A/N: Disclaimer, I don't own the show or any of its characters

You're exhausting"

Eddie's words from that day in the supermarked was going on in repeat in his mind, he didn't remember when it started, but it had gone on for some time now

"We all manage to suck it up. Why can't you"

Yeah why couldn't he just suck it up like everyone else? Why did he have to be so exhausting all the time?

He was laying in his bed awake after another uneventful shift where he had been left behind as man on the floor

"My house, my rules"

Bobby's words sounded in the rewind mix in his brain, the message clear 'Don't come complaining'

Buck turned to his side for a more comfortable position so he could try and get some sleep, but it was no use, the rewind mix in his brain was still there, possibly even louder now. He got out and got dressed, only one way he could drown out the thoughts was going for a run, it had become his nightly routine running to get rid of the thoughts.

When he walked past the kitchen his stomach rumbled, but he tucked that away as something else he had to run away, he wasn't hungry he told himself, even though he didn't remember the last time he had been eating. He hadn't meant to stop eating, at first it had just been at work, being excluded from mealtime with the others and having enough chores throughout the shift that he never had time to sit down and eat his brought meals, so he stopped bringing food to the station. Then he had found that while busying himself with chores he didn't think about the alienation he felt from the others and he had started pushing himself harder at work, redoing his list of chores if he ran out and Cap didn't have anything to add on, which he often had much to Bucks pleasing, of cause he didn't let Cap know he was pleased when another chore was added to the list, just got right on to it so that he wouldn't have to think about how it hurt that Bobby saw him as nothing more than an errand boy. Then with all the medical bills and fees to Mackey he had started rationing his food at home, cutting low on every expense he could like food and instead started working out more to not think of the hunger. In the end he had cut away almost every meal, only ate a small protein bar every third day or so, his fridge and freezer being empty, he had cut off the power to them completely, cutting down on unnecessary electricity as well, and why have the power on and running to an empty fridge and freezer anyway. He knew he was getting skinnier but shrugged it off as being healthier, when in reality part of his mind kept screaming at him that what he was doing was wrong, that it would make him sick, but when that thought hit him he just exercised till it went away like all the other thoughts. He told himself that he was in control.

He was running, so caught up in his train of thoughts that he didn't see where he was going… He was standing outside Hen's house before he realised what was happening. He blinked a couple of times, debating whether to get closer when the front door opened and Hen walked out. Buck cursed at himself, even though he had no problem with Hen seeing that she had actually been the only one besides Chimney to forgive him for the lawsuit and welcome him back, these days Buck tried avoiding both of his friends not wanting to burden them any further or risk them being alienated like himself, but now there was no turning back

"Buck?" Hen called a little questioning as to what he was doing out here so late

"Hey Hen. Sorry if I disturbed you" he apologised quickly

"No worries. Why don't you come inside?" Hen asked, noticing how exhausted Buck was looking like he could drop right there in the street

"I don't know, it's getting late and we're on call tomorrow so I should properly get home and get some rest" he answered

"Okay then, see you tomorrow" Hen said hessitantly, she wanted to insist but also wanted to trust that if anything was wrong Buck would tell her

"Yeah sure" he smiled at her, knowing that if it hadn't indeed been so late Hen would have insisted on him coming in. He ran straight home after that