At lunch Buck actually tried for food, Bobby had prepared a delicious pot roast chicken and Buck wanted to try to be more healthy. He knew it was okay with the others, at least for now, if he didn't eat, but he also knew that they secretly praid that he would, so he tried the pot roast chicken, only a small plate not even a kids size but for Buck it was enough, and even though he wanted to he just couldn't eat it all, there was simply to much and the thoughts started roaming again
This is wrong and you can feel it
Why are you even trying, you were always gonna fail
You're pathetic can't even finish a quarter of a kids size plate
You aren't fooling anyone, you're a failure and everyone knows it
Buck was just mixing the food around the plate now, tears slipping from his eyes
"It's okay Buck, you don't have to finish" Bobby said, but secretly it pained him when Buck pushed the plate away and went to the couch to get away from everyone, Hen motioned to get up and follow him but Bobby shook his head. "I think what he needs now is space to be himself, we'll check on him in a little while" Bobby said. The rest of the meal was consumed in sad silence, everyone glancing over at the couch every so often to see if Buck was okay. The bell rang and everyone got up, Bobby called to Eddie if he was okay being man behind and keeping an eye on Buck and Eddie nodded and sent a sideways glance in Buck's direction. Once the others had driven of Eddie went over to Buck
"Hey, I know it doesn't mean much but for what it's worth I'm proud of you for trying" Eddie said nervously. Buck sent him a sad smile
"Thanks I guess" Buck said
"Okay I'll just go wash down the kitchen and do the dishes, so I'm around if you need me" Eddie said, not knowing how to talk to Buck. Buck nodded but then turned to him when he was about to leave
"Do you think I could help?" Buck asked. "It helps with the thoughts when I have something to do" Buck almost whispered with embarrassment
"I don't know man, aren't you supposed to rest?" Eddie said nervously contemplating the idea
"Yeah, sorry I asked" Buck said depressed
"Oh okay, but nothing too straining, and you tell me if it gets to be too much" Eddie said and Buck smiled but it didn't reach his eyes, he knew Eddie had only given in out of sympathy and he hated that, but at least he got to feel helpful again and it was some kind of normalcy so he would take it.
When the team came back Buck and Eddie had finished the kitchen and were sitting on the couch staring at each other, neither one knowing what to say to the other, it had been easier when they were cleaning because the silence had been so deafening.
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to or anything, I'm just curious, what did you mean when you said it helps with the thoughts to have something to do? Again you don't have to answer or anything" Eddie said, almost apologizing for asking
"I just… The thoughts are less heavy, less noisy when I have something to do" Buck explained and shrugged his shoulders
"Oh okay" Eddie said and they stared at each other in silence again, that's how the others found them
"Hey guys, what's going on staring competition?" Chimney joked when he saw them and laughed when they both turned to look at him startled, not having noticed the others coming back
"So what have you guys been doing while we were out? Nice job with the kitchen Eddie" Hen said, taking a glance at the kitchen and dining table
"Thanks, but it was a team effort" Eddie smiled and looked at Buck
"Wait what? You mean to say you let Buck help you when he was supposed to be resting?" Hen said accusationly
"Yeah, I mean I kept an eye on him all the time, and it was just small task nothing to straining" Eddie defended
"Eddie, he was supposed to be resting" Hen said. "How are you feeling Buck?" Hen asked while eying him to look for signs of something wrong
"Better actually, the thoughts has been less and it was nice to be able to help out, to feel normal again" Buck said. "Please don't be mad" Buck said nervously, the thoughts starting to voice up in his mind and he started to rock back and forth to dampen them
"Hey it's okay nobody is mad at you Buck" Hen said and ran over. "I'm sorry if it seemed that way, we're just concerned about you" Hen explained
You're pathetic, a burden on everyone
You can't do anything right
The thoughts were there, not as strong as they had been before but stronger than they had been all afternoon since the cleaning of the kitchen. Buck thought about all the cleaning him and Eddie had done together and the thoughts seemed to dampen a bit. Buck looked over at Eddie
"Can we go for a walk?" Buck asked, almost begging with his eyes
"Sure man, but only around the station" Eddie said and got up, he stretched his hand out to help Buck up to
"Eddie" Hen said, not at all pleased with Eddie
"He needs to dampen the thoughts, it won't be long and I'll keep an eye on him" Eddie said
"Fine but only around the station, and only one round, I don't want him to overwork himself" Hen said disaprovingly