A/N: Back with chapter four!
Please enjoy!
Chapter Four
The tie of Lilith's military uniform was annoying to say the least.
For the umpteenth time her fingers came up to her throat, pulling the fabric away from her skin in an attempt to alleviate the discomfort. Still it did nothing. A reminder looped around her neck like a noose as to why she despised having to dress up in the first place.
She let out a loud sigh, foot tapping against the floor of the training space where the warrior candidates continued to spar under her watchful presence. Udo and Sofia were against one another again, Gabi and Falco in the distance yelling and tackling each other enough to leave marks and bruises. Even from where she stood she could make out the dirt coating their skin and uniforms, faces set in a determined fashion.
Normally Lilith would have ended it there. She never wanted the children to go as far as to truly hurt one another- a seemingly impossible feat with Gabi's competitive streak. Still and yet she remained silent, aware that today she needed to let them be.
Today they need to show their best.
In person inspections were rare, especially since Lilith had been assigned to overlook the warrior candidates over the past two years. Whether it be when Lilith had first been assigned to them or overseeing their continued training during the Mid-East War, she had never truly had any problem with her weekly reports to the brass. Even so, today had been set as an in person examination to see the candidates while training. To gauge their own opinions of which of the four would be taking over the next generation of titans.
It was the only reason Lilith had brought herself to put on the infernal formal military uniform. Any other day she would find herself far more comfortable with only her slacks and jacket thrown over a blouse. Even better, her civilian clothes, where she would be able to mix and match colors compared to the muted white she'd come to despise.
Once again her fingers found their way into her collar, tugging at her tie. Where was the damn brass?
As if answering her own question, footsteps sounded behind her from the opening of the training area. Large and heavy, commanding one's attention as Lilith turned, saluting the familiar male.
"At ease, Roth." Commander Magath said by way of greeting, face severe as usual.
Lilith did as told, letting her hand fall to her side without complaint. If he expected her to say anything else he didn't show it. Only regarded her with dark eyes, shadowed from too many years of war.
Did someone like him ever grow tired of it?
There was no answer to her unasked question.
Magath simply turned away, taking in the small figures' training before them. Children fighting- preparing for war. Examining their strengths and weaknesses.
"They seem to be doing well." Magath commented.
Lilith nodded.
"Does your opinion stand the same as the last meeting?"
"Yes."
When she turned, the children were beginning to whine down from their session. Sofia was beginning to help Udo off the ground from where she'd overpowered him, smiling fondly at one another. In comparison to the duo, Gabi and Falco seemed to continue going at one another, movements sluggish and weak from their exhaustion. Even so Lilith didn't see either giving up anytime soon.
"Udo and Sofia are automatically unfit for the role of the armored Titan. They lack the brawn and perseverance for it." She eyed the two children smiling and laughing. Too soft- easily breakable. "Sofia is smart however and Udo is quick witted. They could be possible candidates for the cart and jaw Titan in the near future."
The male nodded, assessing the duo in question. "And what of the other two?"
"Gabi is still the strongest candidate at the moment." Lilith paused, taking in Falco sparing with the girl in question. His fist went flying, meeting air as Gabi dodged and all but tackled him to the ground. His face flashed in her head, desperate and pleading. What do I do, Lilith? She paused before adding, "Though Falco is another possible candidate."
"Falco?" His dark eyebrows pushed down at the sight of the child on the floor. "We'll have to take that into consideration."
"Please do."
When the commander didn't respond, Lilith didn't press the topic. Instead she stepped up to the children, ordering them to take a quick break before they began their laps for the day. No one argued with her, quick to obey her without a sound out their mouths at the sight of Magath behind her. They left just as Lilith heard the commander's steps stop beside her.
"You've done good work." Magath said suddenly. Lilith's head whipped towards him.
His attention was still forward, but now his shoulders appeared tenser, back straight like a rod. At her wide eyed stare he only shifted ever so slightly.
"I'm not the only one to notice it. The entirety of the Brass has recognized your drive and ambition these past few years." He cleared his throat slightly. "You should be proud."
Proud. The single word seemed to echo inside her head, bouncing around without a stop. Clogging all her thoughts to the point nothing else remained.
What was there to be proud of? Being forced into the position she was in now? Being tortured for the sake of an experiment?
Heat seemed to lick at her. A steady rush in her body, building and building until she thought she might explode. Until she might burst into her titan and kill the man before her.
Her lungs constricted at the large gulp of air she clamped into her mouth. "Thank you, sir." She said, stepping forward and leaving the man alone to get the children ready for their next task.
By the time their training was over, nearly two hours later, Lilith felt nearly as tired as the children themselves. Commander Magath had long left before they'd ended training, and Lilith had avoided him all the while. If she hadn't she feared she may very well have snapped. Might have risked everything she'd fought for in a matter of moments.
Now, all she wanted was to go home and rest. Though even then that wasn't possible. She still had the hospital and she was already later than usual. Lilith wasn't even sure she would be able to change beforehand.
"Bye, Lilith!" Gabi called to her, already heading straight to the exit with Udo and Sofia who waved at her.
"Get home safe, you guys!" She smiled at the trio, frowning at the lack of a fourth figure.
The boy in question was still within the compound, glowering down at his shoes and clenching the strap of his bag. Lilith had begun to become used to that expression. The one he usually donned when he felt incompetent- when he lost to Gabi.
Lilith grabbed her own bag and made her way to him.
"Falco!" She approached the shorter figure, wrapping an arm around his thin shoulders. "Why don't you walk with me today? You can drop me off at my job after this."
The boy blinked up at her. "You have another job?"
"Something like that. Now come on." Lilith didn't wait for the boy's answer, already pulling him forward with her.
Outside the sun was slowly painting the sky in a golden hue of reds and oranges. Fall was in the air, a slight breeze rustling leaves of different colors past them. In the streets people mingled, sparing them glances only to glare slightly while they made their way back to the internment camp.
Lilith dutifully ignored the Marley citizens. "How are you feeling? You must be sore from today's training." She spared a glance at his dirty face.
"I am." Falco's shoulders seemed to sag further at the mention of it.
Lilith frowned sympathetically. She could recall her days of training at his age too. Her mother used to fret over her at the time, applying ointments to her bruised and sore limbs.
"That just means you're working hard." She nudged him with a grin. "It's a good thing."
"Doesn't feel like it. I still couldn't beat Gabi." Falco's fingers coiled around the strap across his chest harder.
"You'll get there soon." Lilith consoled and meant it.
The boy didn't seem convinced. "I doubt Commander Magath will think so."
They were nearing the internment zone now, the usual guards in charge during the day nodding in greeting when they opened it for them. Lilith offered a polite smile.
"It doesn't matter what he thinks." Lilith ushered the boy forward down the street before turning a corner.
"I guess." Falco hesitated. "You didn't seem happy while he was there."
Lilith almost smirked. Almost. Of course he'd noticed. Despite his age and demeanor, the boy was quite observant. More so mature than the others.
It worried Lilith sometimes. He was too good for his own self, always putting others before himself. As it was he was willing to cut his life span in a mere thirteen years to save Gabi the suffering of it.
"I'm never happy with any members of the brass."
"Why?"
There were a variety of reasons only Lilith herself knew that others weren't aware of. And Falco wouldn't be the one person to be exposed to it. Not to the horrors happening right behind his back. That might happen to him if things continued.
Lilith let a smile warm it's way to her lips. Falco thought it looked sad. "Maybe one day you'll know. Though I hope you never do."
Her words appeared to have rattled the boy. He stayed silent then, head down and face pensive.
By now they were approaching the hospital, crossing into the sidewall of its block. The gates were already ahead of them, opening before them when Lilith paused before it. Falco glanced up curiously.
"The hospital…" He muttered, taking in the scene of nurses and patients through the gate.
"Ah, this is my stop." At her words the younger boy furrowed his eyebrows at her.
"You work here?" Falco frowned at her.
"In a way. I volunteer whenever I have the free time."
"I didn't know that…"
Lilith laughed slightly. "Not many do." She offered a hand to his hair to ruffle the blond locks. "Go get some rest, Falco. Tomorrow's a new day."
She strolled forward, passed the gates and into the courtyard leaving the boy behind. It was lit in a fiery haze from the setting sun, warm and comforting to the naked eye. A safe haven for the men and women here, even if they didn't realize it.
Despite herself, Lilith's attention fell to the side, at the closest bench to the gates. An unwilling habit she couldn't stop herself from falling into. Finding the figure she'd begun to become accustomed to seeing- begun to look for.
He was sitting there, crutch in hand, looking out at her himself. As if knowing she would be searching for him. Green and gold met softly, like golden rays of the sunset itself falling onto the fresh grass of spring. A clash of essence, a natural occurrence no one could stop. Not even Lilith.
She willed herself to look away, to head to the building and enter without a glance back.
Yet surprisingly it was harder than Lilith could imagine.
Lilith's first task for the day was to help find a patient that somehow had managed to escape the premise of the hospital. In the frenzy Lilith found herself outside the compound of the hospital gates, searching frantically for an older man by the name of Hans. A man who Lilith had helped bathe one time or another due to his lack of motor skills and speech.
It appeared he'd finally begun walking on his own.
They found him nearly ten minutes later not wandering far; only a block or two away. He'd been walking aimlessly, near delirious speaking of bombs and blood. Screaming and yelling when the hospital staff began pulling him back to the hospital while Lilith followed.
His screeches seemed to echo in her ears harshly, reminding herself of the Mid-East War not too long ago. It'd nearly been a month since their return and yet so many still suffered. Facing the consequences that Marley started.
Lilith hated it. Felt her gut twist and churn at the thought of it all the way to hospital with the man's screams filling her head like a twisted orchestra.
At the hospital itself Lilith wasn't able to focus. Not even remotely as she stalled at the gates with her arms crossed and eyes shut against the flash of memories. Nearly drowning her until she found an anchor- heard one.
She frowned at the sound, eyebrows furrowing as she pushed herself off the walls of the gate. Her feet were light, taking her past the opening and into the entrance of the courtyard where she saw him.
It was Falco. Sitting beside Eren on his usual bench talking with one another.
Despite herself, Lilith's spine straightened, eyes unwilling to tear themselves from the duo. From the dark crevices of her mind a warning went off, flashing before her bright and glaring.
Her legs moved on their own accord, like a magnet pulling her to the duo.
And that was when she heard it.
"People come here to get treated for PTSD but I'm faking it."
Lilith's body seemed to have frozen, stuck in her spot only a few feet away where they had yet to notice her. Despite her roaring mind, Falco was able to voice her thoughts. "Huh?"
"I've been acting like I have amnesia but really…" Eren's voice trailed off, hair covering his face and voice wavering. "I just don't want to go home."
It was such a sudden statement. One that made Lilith blink. It was as if it were said purposefully. Done in order to get something.
It would be easy to interrupt now. To barge into the conversation and have Eren kicked out of the hospital.
It was the one place soldiers who truly suffered could go for help. Yet here he was pretending, milking off their kindness. Her kindness.
Even so, something told her not to. Warned her to wait and listen. So Lilith did.
She'd never heard the male talk so much. Words spilled from his mouth like a fountain of blood, speaking the brutal truth of war. Of those around them affected, painted red in the light of the setting sun- as if they were still bleeding from those weeks ago in the trenches. As if they would never stop bleeding from the wounds, both mentally and physically.
Eren understood that. He saw those around him for what they were. Broken. Damaged. Because of a war none of them would have gone to if they knew what would happen.
His words sparked something in Lilith's chest. A candle, glowing in the distance, growing with his words. Strengthening it with every syllable.
Unconsciously, led by an invisible force, Lilith stepped forward, gaining the attention of Falco. He turned to Lilith, catching her expression and seemingly stilling. What he saw there appeared to have him waver, because only seconds later he was telling Eren, "Bye, Mr. Kruger, I'll visit again!", and darted by Lilith with a wave.
When Eren spotted her he didn't appear surprised at the sight of her. "Lilith." He greeted.
"Eren." She crossed her arms before him, towering over his sitting figure. In the orange glow of the sky, her red hair seemed to be on fire, ready to burn Eren. Her face mirrored the notion. "What was that about?"
At his lack of response, golden eyes narrowed down at him dangerously. Still he barely shifted. "You were listening." He said finally after a long pause.
"I saw you with Falco." Lilith said by way of explaining. Even then he only blinked, looking up at her with little shift of his plain expression. She sucked in a deep breath sharply, nearly a hiss. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"You heard what I said, didn't you?" Eren's gaze seemed to darken. "I can't face my family yet."
"So pretending to have amnesia is the answer?" Lilith grit her teeth.
When he didn't respond Lilith had to ignore the familiar swell overcoming her. That flame in her flaring that she tried so hard to keep down. It took a moment to compose herself, forcing herself to take the seat beside the male at the curious expression one of the nurses threw at her further away. She kept her arms tightly crossed over her chest, ignoring the heat of Eren's attention on her.
"Are you going to tell anyone?" He questioned though Lilith thought he didn't particularly seem to care.
She swallowed a bitter response. "I should." She said tightly, pursing her lips. "Though it's not like it's my business."
"It's okay if you do." Eren replied, voice deep beside her.
Lilith frowned, running a hand through her hair hazardously. "Don't patronize me."
"I wasn't. I mean it."
"Maybe I will then."
Her words settled in her mind, making a sigh fall from her mouth. Eren didn't respond, seemingly content with her answer. It only made her simmer more.
Lilith didn't specifically understand why she was so upset. Being lied to was one thing but certainly not enough to get her so angry to this extent. Normally Lilith was calm, rational even. Falco had seemed understanding enough for Eren's reasoning and surely it wasn't the worst reason for lying.
So why was she letting this affect her so much then?
"You're awfully calm for someone who just got caught lying."
"For a reason."
A snort sounded from Lilith. "A lousy one." She straightened up, expression thunderous. "Do you know how lucky you are to even have a family that's probably worried out of their minds about you? And here you are pretending you don't remember them because you're too scared to face them?"
There it was. The reason Lilith was so angry.
She swallowed thickly as her words seemed to hang in the air around them. Her eyes closed, face contorting in frustration.
Eren observed her. Then said, "You're right."
"I know I'm right." Lilith snapped at him, eyes opening to pin on his form like an arrow. "You're over here scared to face your family when they'll probably welcome you back with open arms."
Silence followed her words as Eren turned from her.
"What? Too optimistic?" She twisted her lips, taking in the way Eren's single eye fell to the ground. Softly then she added, "It's what I would hope my family would do, at least."
He was quiet for a moment. "Do you think they would? Forgive you?"
Lilith considered him with soft eyes. "Who knows. They're all dead now."
Eren looked at her fully now. "I thought only your father died."
"I never said that. I just never mentioned my mother as well."
"What happened to her?"
"She was sick. We found out about it not much longer after my father passed. Though by the time I was ten she didn't make it." She shrugged, as if it weren't anything of importance. Lilith had long become numb to the loss of both her parents, growing up without the love and nurture of them. Though it didn't stop the slight clench of her chest, like a hand squeezing her heart of blood.
At one time she would have been bled dry at the thought of her parents death. Now it was only a droplet here and there. A slight cut that healed over in seconds.
"My mother's dead too." Eren said finally, like he was trying to comfort her.
A smirk almost overcame Lilith. How had the conversation taken this turn? "Another thing we have in common." She muttered then, resting her chin on an arm when she leaned onto her thighs.
"Do you want to know anything else?"
"No."
Eren raised a thick brown eyebrow. "You've been trying for the past weeks to get me to talk and now you don't care?"
"That's when I thought you were an amnesiac." She shot him a small glare.
"That's true." Eren agreed, leaning on his crutch in front of him.
Silence swallowed them, quiet and considerate. And then surprisingly Eren opened his mouth and said, "I've never seen you in your uniform before."
Lilith tried hiding her surprise, but it was harder than she expected when he gouged her up and down.
"I usually change before I get here." She glanced down at her military clothes, like a second skin around her figure. Unlike Pieck, Lilith usually wore the military pants in comparison to her skirt, the grey material snug on her hips where the belt around her jacket was brought in to accentuate her waist.
"When I first met you I figured you were just a family member of one of the warriors."
"A lot of people usually do." Lilith shrugged. "I was always a candidate but when I finally appeared with a red arm badge it caused a bit of confusion."
"Which titan is yours then?" Eren asked.
Lilith leaned back to take in the male before her, hunched over and looking at her with dead eyes. It was simple to overlook the question. But Eren wasn't the amnesiac he pretended he was and despite his usual dull gaze there was something sharp in it now. Like he was looking for something- prying for information.
Lilith tilted her head, red hair tumbling over her shoulder. "I don't have one. Though you should know that if you did the math with the current titans under Marley's possession."
"Then why the red arm badge?"
"Why are you so curious?"
"You're always asking me questions. Shouldn't I be able to, too?"
"Oh so since you're not playing the amnesiac you're finally talking?" A smirk spread over her lips. "I guess you have a point though." She appeared thoughtful for a moment. "Well I guess the simple answer would be that I was supposed to inherit a Titan years back when I was a warrior in training. I was ten at the time when they said I was going to take over the Female Titan."
Eren said nothing at her pause. Only waited with a searing gaze for her to continue. As if he were devouring every word without a shift in his expression.
"Obviously I didn't as you can see. Another warrior in training, Annie did. Though look where that got her."
Lilith still often thought of her- Annie. Along with Berdolt and Marcel. She'd trained alongside them, grown up supporting one another despite the struggles and competition along with Reiner and the others. And now two were dead and another captive on Paradise Island.
If she had taken up the Female Titan would that be her now as well? It was a question Lilith never knew the answer to. One that kept her up at night when she couldn't sleep and nightmares were her only companion.
"Why didn't you?" Eren finally questioned. "Why didn't you become the female Titan?"
Lilith sucked in a breath, ignoring the flare of memories washing over her like a tide.
She marched up to the man, eyes full of contempt as she pulled the arm badge off her bicep. The yellow material crumbled in her hands, falling to the ground where Lilith threw it by his feet. Around her she could feel the gazes of her fellow candidates staring wide eyed. "I revoke my candidacy for the female Titan."
Lilith blinked slowly back to reality.
"My mom died." She answered lightly after a suffocating moment. "I only joined in the first place to get her medical care but it was too late by the time I was chosen. So I gave up and they passed the female Titan onto the next candidate.
"And now?"
Despite herself, Lilith shifted uncomfortably. "Four years ago they asked me to rejoin after the armored Titan and beast Titan came back from paradise." Asking was a nice way of putting it for now. "Now I just help train the new warrior candidates. Though in the process I seemed to have earned the title of an honorary Marleyan citizen."
She almost snorted at the mere idea. If only it had been so easy perhaps her mother wouldn't have died. Maybe then she could have gotten the proper treatment in time.
"That's pretty lucky." Eren mentioned, gaining Lilith's attention. When she turned to him she saw the way he looked at her- as if mocking her story.
She withheld a glare. Was he calling out her lie?
"It is." Lilith grit out, suddenly more aware of the male than she'd ever been. Everyone else had been easy enough to fool. She'd told the story dozens of times before she'd left for the Mid-East warfront and after. What was different about this one?
It was nearly like meeting two seperate people. The battleworn soldier who suffered from amnesia and kept to him and the man before her- too aware with far too keen of a gaze.
Who was the real Eren Kruger?
Like he knew what she was thinking, his neck twisted, facing away from her. "The kid; Falco. You train him then, right?"
Lilith nodded, grabbing the distraction he offered. "Falco's a good boy." She glared at Eren then. "Don't corrupt him with your lies."
For once Eren actually looked amused. "I won't."
Still the frown persisted on her lips. "Eren."
When he turned to her, his single eye openly on her, she stilled. With the sun kissing his skin he appeared bronze-like, brown hair clashing with the single color of his eye. A teal color shifting from green to blue, the first time Lilith truly caught sight of the color hidden within.
Words failed her.
She wanted to warn him. To tell him that he made her question who he truly was. That she couldn't help but watch him because something about him set her on edge.
In ways she wasn't sure was good or bad.
None of that left her lips. But still he nodded, like he understood all the same.
A/N: This chapter was so hard to write. I don't know what it was about it but it was just annoying and really off for me. I'm not crazy about it at all but I really wanted to get something out so this is the best I could do :(
I hope it isn't too bad and you guys still review / follow! Until next time!