a/n: this is my first time writing anything for tlw. hope you enjoy x
FRAGMENTS
Better Porter was a very well put together women. She was level headed and smart and presented herself in such a way you would think that nothing could bother her. Almost everyone she encountered believed that she had everything she wanted, a partner, a child and a career. She was professional and always performed at the top of her game. The outside world saw exactly what Bette wanted them to see and it had been that way for so long that she couldn't remember anything different.
Despite her attempts to be in complete control at all times, this could not always be the case. There were times when things completely blew up, and although she presented herself as not-caring as soon as she was alone she would become shattered. She would often self-implode and sabotage things. Bette did not know how to properly deal with her emotions that were often conflicting and uncontrollable and so the option that she had turned to was taking it out on herself. She would never admit she had a problem to any of her friends who saw her reactions when she wasn't in control, especially as it ran so much deeper than any of them could imagine. Hiding this side of herself became a necessity when she was in college and her relationship with Kelly lead to her almost taking her life. Although she revelled in the coping strategies she had found which were now a huge part of her life she could not allow others to find this out. And so she focused on how she would present herself to others
A few people had of course seen past that. Alice. Although Alice and Bette had only dated briefly, it had been intense and Bette had not had the time to develop her outward persona to level it was now. Their close friendship since their split had also lead to Alice being present during some of the breakdowns and it was one of things that Alice never gossiped about it. Either amongst their friend group or in her profession. This was something that Bette was incredibly grateful for. Tina had also seen past the façade that Bette had perfected. Although initially Bette had not allowed Tina to see that part of her life, over the years of their tempestuous relationship it had been something that had creeped up and was harder to hide from the woman she loved. The only other person that had found out was Jodi. Their relationship had been intense and Bette hadn't meant for Jodi to discover her secret, but Jodi was very perceptive. She also gave Bette a run for her money and was one of the only people to call her out and go up head to head with her. It had shocked the persona she had worked so long on; to be called out and fought against. Jodi was the first and only person to do that.
ALICE
Tina had sent Alice round to her and Bette's to collect some of her things. She couldn't face going to the house at the moment. Alice reluctantly agreed. She did not want to get in the middle of more Tina and Bette drama. She had Tina make a list of what she would need, and based on the length it seemed that she had no plans on going back anytime soon. Alice snuck a few texts to Shane and Dana when Tine wasn't looking, wondering if either of them knew what had happened. Despite her reluctance to get involved in their drama she couldn't help but share it with the others. It was after all expected from her and she saw it almost as her role amongst the group. Alice drove over to Tina and Bette's. With list in hand she made her way to the door and knocked. She assumed after all that Bette was here and that was why Tina hadn't wanted to come. She knocked again, and twice more before trying the door. It was unlocked so she went in.
"Bette? Its Alice," she called out while closing the door.
She frowned at the lack of response, but assumed that she was either at Shane's or outside. She wasn't super bothered, she really just wanted to get Tina's things and then get home. Alice made her way to their bedroom but stopped in the doorway. Bette was pacing the floor, talking to herself.
Alice stood silently taking in the scene. She had seen Bette a few times like this before but it always jolted her. Despite her knowing that it was part of Bette it was always surprising to her. Bette appeared not to notice her, continuing to pace and mutter to herself. She was freely crying but that was the least of Alice's concerns. From her place in the doorway she tried to assess if Bette had hurt herself. She looked as if she was limping and Alice concluded that she probably had. Based on previous experiences it was a logical conclusion to come to.
Alice stepped into the room slowly approaching Bette while calling her name. She didn't want to make her jump but if she wasn't aware of her surroundings it would most likely happen. The least she could do is attempt to reduce that if at all possible.
"Bette? Bette, its Alice."
She repeated this until she was in touching distance from Bette, who was still obliviously pacing the room. Alice sighed. She grabbed Bette's arm and held her still while trying to make eye contact with the taller women.
"Bette. I need you to look at me. Its Alice."
While talking lightly to Bette, Alice lightly rubbed her arm, hoping that the physical touch would help . After a while Alice saw some recognition flash through Bette's eyes and she audibly sighed. As many times as she had done this, she hated it. She continued talking and stroking Bette's arm and finally Bette began responding.
"Alice? Hi."
Alice smiled, "Hi."
She gave Bette a few minutes to assess what had happened and what she was doing there. She saw tears well up in Bette's eyes and bit her lip, clearly embarrassed.
"It's okay Bette. Let's sit down and talk." Although Alice had no experience with children, she briefly thought that this is what it would be like.
Bette only nodded and followed Alice's lead to the bathroom ensuite where they sat on the floor. Alice would have chosen something more comfortable but if her assumptions about Bette hurting herself were correct she would rather be in the bathroom to deal with it.
"Bette, do you remember what happened?"
Bette simply shook her head. She hated when this happened, she lost so much time and even the hours before became fuzzy in her attempt to remember. She knew something had happened with Tina. They had both been crying but she struggled to grasp onto any specifics.
"Tina… I'm not sure."
"That's okay, we can work that out later. Did you hurt yourself?"
Alice had found out over the years that it was best to be upfront about this with Bette. She wasn't sure that the same could be said for others, but she had learnt what was and wasn't helpful. Jumping around the topic only annoyed Bette and made her feel like she was awkward and should be ashamed. Which although she did, she did not like it being projected from others.
"I don't remember," Bette answered truthfully.
Alice nodded. She knew that was possible. Previous experiences had shown her that Bette hurting herself was either something she did purposefully as a response, or was something that she did while unaware of what she was doing. Often the later was more serious as she had less control over what she was doing and was often on autopilot, not paying attention and doing herself more damage.
"Can we check?"
Bette nodded. She rolled up her sleeves and checked her arms, which were clear of any injuries. She then rolled up her trouser legs. They both noticed dried blood on her left thigh before they saw any injuries, but it became awkward for her to roll them up further so she took them down. Alice held her face in a neutral response. She had learnt that showing emotion around Bette's self-harm did not go down smoothly. It was clear that the wounds were a few hours old, but they were still bleeding and there was some swelling around them. Alice assumed that the pacing hadn't allowed them to stop bleeding. They were deep and Alice wasn't happy to leave them or dress them herself like she had before.
"Bette, we can't leave them. They will need stiches," Alice said calmly.
She watched a panic look take over Bette's face who started shaking her head. "No. No. No one can find out. You can't tell anyone. I can't go to hospital. Please. Alice please."
Bette could not allow anyone to find this out. Alice finding out originally had been accidental. Going to the hospital was a no-go for her as well. It was so awkward and weird, for a while she had looked after any injuries herself but they scarred awfully and then when Alice became involved going to hospital was more of an option, although still not Bette's choice.
Alice knew that they needed to go. She had persuaded Bette before, and gone with her and each time Bette pushed it, but afterwards when she was feeling better Bette was more thankful, although wouldn't directly admit it. It was just when she was still overwhelmed and upset that she panicked about it.
"No-one needs to know. We don't need to tell anyone. We just need to get you checked out. I'll come with you, it'll be fine. I promise," Alice reassured.
Bette wasn't really paying attention. She couldn't stop imagining everyone finding out.
"What about Tina, she can't know. She can't find out. Please Alice. Tina can't know," Bette pleaded.
Alice frowned, she was surprised that Tina didn't know that Bette struggled with this. They had been together for years and she assumed that this must have come up with. Either way it wasn't something for her to tell Tina. She made eye contact with Bette before speaking, hoping that it would ground her a little.
"She'll think it's her fault and I don't want her to know I did this. She can't know, please."
"Tine isn't going to find out. We are going to the hospital, see what they say and then come home. No-one else needs to know. I promise you I'm not going to tell anyone."
Bette didn't say anything for a while, so Alice repeated herself. She just wanted to reassure Bette and get her to the hospital. It crossed her mind that she would have to tell Tina something. She was only supposed to be getting some things for her and then going back. She would come up with something later.
Bette nodded, "Okay. Okay."
"I think we should just put something over them for while we are on our way," Alice said.
Bette agreed and pulled out the plasters that she had in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. They put together a bunch of plasters to cover the wounds, not having something big enough to cover them all. Once finished Alice smiled and stood up then helped Bette stand as well. Bette gathered her things and while Alice waited she messaged Shane. She was hoping that Shane was next door with Jenny and would be able to come over. She sent the list that Tina had given her and simply said that she wasn't able to do it right now. She hoped that would be enough. Once Bette was ready, Alice drove them to the hospital. By the time they arrived Shane had confirmed that she could grab Tina's things.
Alice linked her arm through Bette's as they walked into the ER and up to the desk. The receptionist didn't look up at the women, simply handed them a form and asked them to fill it out. They had been in this situation a few times and Alice knew that it made Bette agitated to wait, especially as she already didn't want to be here.
As the waited, Bette's leg began to throb. Before she hadn't noticed what she had done let alone been able to feel again pain from it. She wanted to take a look at her leg but she knew that they had put plasters over them. Her curiosity got the better of her however and she excused herself to the bathroom.
She shimmied out of her trousers careful not to aggravate them anymore. The plasters they had put on before they left had already been bleed through. She peeled them all off carefully and her eyes widened at the damage she had done. She couldn't believe that she had done that to herself without even knowing. It scared her and upset her. She tried to take a deep breath as she felt tears well up in her eyes. She didn't want to worry Alice anymore so she tried to put the plasters back on, pulled her trousers back up and left to go and sit with Alice in the waiting room.
"I'm sorry," Bette muttered after a while.
Alice frowned and looked at her, "What for? Why?"
"I… just everything," she started, gesturing to herself loitering a little around her legs. "And for wasting your time here."
"It's okay. This is important and I want to be here for you."
Bette offered a small smile. She wanted to keep apologising but she felt weird about continuing asking for forgiveness. She knew that Alice had done this with her before and that she could trust her in this.
JODI
Previously the sex between Bette and Jodi had been quick and based purely on need. One of them craving the touch of the other and wanting to orgasm. It was the start of a new relationship, it was new and risky and the sex had been intense. This time was different. It was slow and they were taking in each other's bodies properly.
Bette was laid on her back with Jodi giving small kisses up and down her legs. Jodi knew she was teasing Bette, she could feel Bette's legs shaking under her lips and taste a light sheen of sweat with each kiss. But she couldn't help it. She was taking every part of Bette in, playing close attention to everything she had to offer. Up and down her legs, close enough to her core that each time Bette was sure this time she would get what she so desperately needed. But alas, she was still craving it.
She felt Jodi stop kissing her abruptly, and then her fingers lightly tracing the tops of her legs. She finally got Jodi's attention and signed please, desperate for something.
"Bette? What happened to your leg?" Jodi said, looking up at her.
Bette lifted her head from the pillow and frowned. She really wasn't in the mind to start answering questions at this point, she just needed to cum.
Jodi took in Bette's puzzled face and repeated herself. "Your leg, what happened?"
Bette froze as she watched Jodi trace the scars on her leg. She sat up and pulled her legs away. Her desire completely fell away and she felt panic starting to rise. In relationships before she had not allowed this to happen, except with Tina. She had quick sex in a moment of passion. She did not allow her body to fall under such scrutiny. And now she had betrayed herself.
"Bette?" Jodi had also now sat up and was looking at her with concern. She reached her hand out slowly. She wasn't sure if she missed something, but Bette wasn't even looking at her.
"Nothing," Bette signed.
"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I just want to know everything about you."
Jodi realised that she had defiantly ruined the moment and felt bad. She had clearly touched a nerve, but she really just wanted to know everything about Bette possible.
"I'm sorry. I want to know everything about you too. I just…"
Bette trailed off, not really knowing how to explain the situation. She had a very complex relationship with that part of herself and did not talk openly about it. Even those who knew did not bring it up with her after an episode occurred. It was one of those things that she couldn't bear to admit. She was embarrassed and ashamed.
Jodi wasn't backing down. Bette hadn't gotten used to that. With other people in her life, they would have dropped it by now, not daring to go up against her. But Jodi was just as headstrong and determined as her.
"I do it to myself," Bette said before covering her face with her hands in shame.
Jodi was slightly taken aback. It was really not the answer she had been expecting. She also noted the word 'do', suggesting that it was something she still did.
"Thank you for telling me. I'm really happy that you felt able to," Jodi said.
She sat opposite the women in front of her. Bette had moved her hands away from her face and Jodi held them, lightly stroking her thumb across them.
Bette started talking again, but she could see Jodi was having a hard time lipreading. The bedside light was on but it was casting a strange shadow and Jodi was struggling to make out what was being said.
"Can you see my lips okay?" Bette signed.
"Not really, its hard in this light."
Bette got up and switched on the main light, then took her position back on the bed.
Bette began her story again, adding in signs she knew and this time it looked like Jodi was able to follow her better.
"When I was in college, I tried to kill myself. I didn't really know how to cope with what I was feeling and it built up and up until I couldn't handle it. Kit took it really hard. I was her baby sister and she was devastated. I found things that helped stop me get to that point. They weren't great coping skills, but they stopped me reaching a level where it was unbearable. This is one of the ones that stuck with me. I have these episodes sometimes, where I can't remember what I've done. It's like I'm not in my body."
Jodi was slightly unsure of what to say. She had so many questions but it felt wrong to bombarde her right now, and even if it didn't she wouldn't be sure where to start. "You are so strong. I'm really proud of you. How can I help?"
"Help?" Bette was confused. Every other person who knew about this, which admittedly was only two left it. They helped in those crises, yes, but they never spoke about it. It was just one of those things people ignored.
"Yeah, like are you in therapy? Or do your friends have a plan I can get in with? Or maybe talk to Kit?"
Bette shook her head. "You can't talk to anyone about this." She really hoped she was getting across how serious she was about that. "Only Alice and Tina know, but apart from when I'm in that state we don't talk about it."
Jodi frowned, confused. "But they're your friends. Why would they not help you." She couldn't understand ignoring something like this in someone she cared for. It was clear that something was wrong with Bette and she needed support.
"They do help. When I need it. They have my back. I don't want more than that and they respect it. They are there when it counts," Bette tried to explain. She understood that Jodi didn't know her that well, or her relationships with her friends so she wanted to explain this without getting upset. But really that was the end of the conversation.
Jodi realised that, taking in the stern look on Bette's face. She accepted it for now, although wasn't comfortable just leaving it. She at least knew who she could talk to in hopes of doing something. She wasn't really close to Bette's group of friends, she understood that it was awkward with them also being Tina's friends but they seemed like a nice group and she was happy to talk to Alice about this. She deemed it important and something that needed doing.
Jodi didn't have a chance to talk to Alice before she saw exactly what Bette had told her the other night. She had come over for dinner and they were supposed to be taking Angie out tomorrow to the zoo. Jodi had been showing her some of the signs for animals. She had come straight from the studio instead of going home first and let herself in to Bette's. She hoped she would have time to shower before they ate. She looked around curiously. The kitchen was messy, indicating that Bette had started cooking but she wasn't in there. Jodi peered outside, wondering if Bette was having a drink while she was waiting for Jodi to arrive. Not seeing her out there Jodi checked the bedroom, again not finding her. The only other place was the bathroom, where she found Bette fully clothed lying on the floor of the shower.
She frowned and turned the water off before bending down. "Bette? Bette what's wrong?"
She watched Bette, determining if she was saying anything but she couldn't work out what it was. Jodi concluded that she was muttering something as her mouth was moving, but it wasn't clear for her to understand what.
"Bette, I cant understand what your saying. Are you okay?"
Jodi turned her head she was looking at Bette straight on. She still couldn't make out what she was saying and now wasn't even sure that Bette knew she was there. She remembered the conversation they had the other night; she had episodes where she couldn't remember anything. Maybe this was that.
"Bette, I'm going to have call Alice," Jodi said. She wasn't sure she had Alice's number, but she quickly checked Bette's phone and found it. She wasn't sure how well this conversation would go; they had met a few times but had limited conversations. Jodi also didn't really know how to explain what was going on.
"Hi, Alice. Its Jodi," she signed quickly after Alice had answered.
"Jodi?"
"Yeah, Bette's girlfriend."
"No, yeah. I know who you are. Just, how are you calling me?"
"It's a video relay service. Anyway - "
"A what?"
"I'll explain it later. Something is wrong with Bette. I just got to her house and she's just… lead on the bathroom floor. I think she might be saying something but she's not really responding I don't think. I cant tell. She told me the other day that you know what to do."
"Shit, yeah, I'm leaving now. Just umm, keep talking to her and I'll be there soon."
"Thank you."
Jodi hung up and went back to the bathroom floor where she sat talking to Bette. She grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her as best she could. Bette had not really shown any recognition that Jodi was there, but it only took 10 minutes and Alice was in the bathroom doorway.
"Hi, what happened?" Alice asked.
"I'm not sure, I was coming for dinner and she was like this when I got here," Jodi explained while standing from her position. She didn't want to be in the way.
"No its okay, we'll both sit." Alice knew that Bette was their priority but didn't want to exclude Jodi and knew that she could be of some help. "I'll talk to her, but you keep physical touch, make her feel connected to something. Bring her back here. It helps."
Jodi nodded and the two women went on with what had been agreed. Eventually Bette appeared more present in the room. She looked down at her arm that Jodi was stroking and hummed lightly to herself. It felt nice. She met Jodi's eyes and they smiled at each other, although it was clear Bette was still slightly dazed. Bette continued searching the room with her eyes and met Alice who was still talking to her lightly.
When Bette felt more able she sat up with the help of Alice and Jodi. Jodi sat slightly off to the side so she could see both Alice and Bette's lips to follow the conversation.
"Jodi called me. Are you okay?" Alice squinted her eyes slightly with her inquisition.
Bette nodded.
"Did you hurt yourself?"
Bette shook her head. She remembered being too hot, feeling overwhelmed. She couldn't put her finger on why right now. She thought back, remembered the panic and the need to cool down. She had wanted to shook her system, hence the cold water that had been beating down on her.
The three sat for a while, Jodi taking over the talking while continuing to place light strokes on Bette's body. Alice observed, making sure that they were okay before she left. Bette started shaking and it reminded them that she was still in cold, wet clothes.
Alice tapped Jodi on the shoulder before speaking. "I'm going to head off, I think you'll be okay."
Jodi nodded, glanced at Bette quickly and offered to walk Alice out. Alice assumed there was something on her mind that she wanted to talk about briefly.
"You're good at that," Jodi said as she walked Alice to the door.
"I've done it a lot. I wasn't always good. The first time I saw her hurting herself I was so scared and upset. I just shouted at her to stop. But over time I got better, I learnt what worked with her."
"This happens often?" Jodi asked her.
"I've known Bette a long time and its happened every couple of years. But she also had Tina, and when they were together I think it started happening more often. I just wasn't always needed," Alice explained.
Jodi nodded. She wanted to talk with Bette about how she could help. She wanted to be there for her. "Thank you for coming."
Alice noted something about Jodi's mood as she walked her to the door. "Bette doesn't open up to a lot of people, but I'm really happy she felt able to speak with to you. This part of her life is," Alice paused taking a deep breath. "I just want you to know that it might take time but you will be able to help her and you will be that person for her. It just takes time with her. I'm happy she has you and its clear you care about her a lot."
After Alice had left, Jodi returned to the bathroom. She helped Bette stand and removed her wet clothes. She wrapped her in another towel that was dry and hugged her while briskly rubbing her arms up and down in hope that it would both dry her off and warm her up simultaneously.
"Are you okay?" Jodi asked.
Bette again nodded, "tired."
"Let's get you into bed. I think you've dried off enough."
The two left the bathroom, Bette still in her tower with Jodi holding it around her from the back.
Bette turned before talking. "Will you come with me?"
Jodi offered a small smile. "Of course, let's just get you into some pyjamas first."
Bette shook her head, "I want to be close to you."
I was more than just wanting it, she needed to be close to Jodi. She needed to feel her skin against her own as the cuddled. She needed to feel the warmth of another human and know that she was alive and safe. She needed this.
Her eyes displayed this to Jodi who agreed and removed her own clothes before they climbed into bed. Jodi lay on her back, arms open so that Bette could move closer and then be wrapped up in a hug. The lay silently, although even if Bette said anything Jodi probably wouldn't have been able to tell. She could feel Bette's breath on her chest where her head lay and her fingers grazing light circles on Jodi's hip. Jodi repetitively ran her hand through Bette's hair, placing the occasional kiss along her hairline. Bette began relaxing fully into Jodi, who felt Bette's breathing change and the circles become lazy. She could tell that Bette was trying to fight sleep.
"Sleep, now," Jodi offered, hoping her encouragement would be enough.
Bette raised her hand and provided an 'I love you' via sign language.
Jodi smiled, "I love you too."
TINA
Tina stood as she watched the screen. Bette was crying. That fucking monster Faye Buckley had made her girlfriend cry. She needed to be with her. She left the room where she was watching the debate and stormed onto the studio where it was being filmed. People were calling after her, but she didn't care, she wasn't listening. She only needed to be with Bette. Her poor baby who was hurting so much.
When Bette hadn't shown any emotion after the miscarriage Tina had been worried. She herself felt like her heart had been ripped to shreds and had no idea how she had would ever feel happy again. In fact, she was sure she wouldn't. But gradually she had started feeling better and had started her volunteering which was helping a lot. But she still hadn't seen Bette cry. They actually hadn't really had a conversation about it. Tina would talk about it, Bette would sit and listen but never disclose her feelings. She would comfort Tina and offer reassuring words, but never speak directly about the situation. It was only at their group therapy that it had crossed Tinas mind that Bette was allowing her to grieve while potentially ignoring the situation herself.
Despite the protests Tina ran over to Bette and pulled her into a hug. She was still sitting in her chair, Faye loitering behind her after Bette had pushed her away. She wrapped Bette in her arms and heard her mutter something.
"Please take me home," Bette whispered.
Tina helped her stand and walked her off the stage, away from the camera lens. She was un-miced. Tina stood to the side as Bette stood still, tears still running down her vacant face. Faye approached her and attempted to talk.
Before she could even get a word out Tina turned and looked at her face one. "How dare you. How fucking dare you. Get away from us. If you ever come near my partner again…" Tina expelled a huff of air, not wanting to make a threat in case it got Bette in more trouble.
She turned her attention back to her girlfriend and they left the studio.
The next morning Bette called in sick from work, something Tina had only ever seen her do a handful of times, and even then had tried to protest it. The night had been rough. Neither of them had really slept. Tina as she was concerned about Bette, and Bette because she hadn't been able to stop crying. Every time Tina thought she had stopped, a few moments later she started again. Tina was sure that she was replying the conversation over in her head. Bette had finally collapsed with exhaustion around 4am, but had only managed a couple of hours. Tina had woken at 6 by the alarm and found the bed empty. She went looking for Bette and found her in the front room.
Tina had sorted through everything for the baby and had either thrown it away or put it in a box so she couldn't see it. But Bette was sat with something she hadn't seen before. She silently approached and sat next to Bette on the sofa.
"It was supposed to be a present. It arrived a couple of days ago, after…" Bette trailed off.
It was a small blanket, embroidered with blue text. 'Baby Boy Kennard-Porter. 2004' Tina ran her hand over the stitching. They sat silently for a while.
"I think we should both take the day off," Tina said after a while. She did not want Bette going into work, and she wanted to be home with her.
Bette shook her head. "You should go, you enjoy it."
Tina was about to protest when Bette spoke again, "I'll just make you feel bad, and I'll probably just sleep anyway."
Tina hesitantly agreed, only on the promise that Bette would call her if she needed anything, and that Tina wouldn't work a full day. It didn't make it that much easier however when it was time for Tina to leave. Bette hadn't moved from her position on the couch as well as refusing breakfast. She sighed as she left, hoping that Bette wouldn't take things too hard for much longer, she hated seeing her in pain. It was a rarity, and although Tina felt privileged that she was the one to see that side of Bette and be able to comfort her, she was not used to it. It left her feeling slightly rattled.
As like every morning she stopped at the planet. She needed some kind of normality and was hoping that her friends would be able to make her feel somewhat better. As she made her way over to her table she was met with sorrowful smiles from Alice and Shane, already present. They had both clearly watched the debate.
"How are you?" Alice asked.
"I'm… I'm okay. Bette," Tina shrugged, not really knowing how to end the sentence.
"We're really sorry T. I can't believe that fucking bitch" Shane said.
"Bitch," Alice muttered.
"Thanks guys. I'm just worried about Bette; she took the day off work."
That admission was met with a raised eyebrow from Shane. "For as long as I've known Bette, I don't think I have ever known her to take a day off work."
"Who's not working?" Dana said as she pulled a chair out. She had clearly been training. She didn't wait for an answer before turning to Tina. "How was the thing? Bette and that women. I didn't get a chance to watch it."
Dana peered at the solemn faces around the table.
"Faye Buckley is a bitch," Alice said.
"I know that, but Bette had that video. How did it go down?" Dana enquired, missing a shut up signal from Shane.
"Yeah, she had the tape. Faye didn't really give her a chance to use it though. She said some really horrible things to Bette. She umm, she said… she told Bette that." Tinas eye welled up as she spoke and she looked towards Shane and Alice for support. She could so clearly recall what Faye had said, but wasn't able to repeat those words.
Alice sat forward and took over explaining what happened. "Faye basically said that being gay is a sin, that's why Tina lost the baby and that God took him so he didn't have to suffer if he had been born into their life. Oh, and that it was a blessing."
Tina was surprised to hear Alice repeat what had been said so clearly. She excused herself to the bathroom. Shane hit Alice and called after Tina.
"What? She needed someone to fill in," Alice defended.
"She didn't need a play by play of it though."
"Shit, she really fucking said that," Dana enquired. "Bitch."
"Bette started crying. I think that's the first time she's cried since it happened," Alice said.
"God Alice you are so in everyone else's lives," Shane said. " I'm going to check on T."
Despite the telling off from Shane, Alice continued. "She didn't go into work today either."
Once Tina returned, they all offered their support and asked if there was anything they could do. They offered to go and check on Bette, to make dinner, to call the house and talk to her. Alice thanked them, but said she would let them know. Right know she didn't think Bette could handle seeing anyone.
Tinas day at work was hard. She was distracted and couldn't focus. She was constantly checking her phone hoping that she would hear from Bette, but as the day passed and she heard nothing she decided she needed to leave work. Thankfully as everyone knew what had happened she was allowed to leave early. Once she arrived home she found Bette curled up in bed. Tina could tell she wasn't asleep so crawled in next to her and hugged her from behind.
Tina wasn't sure what to say, so stayed quiet hoping that the physical contact would be enough for Bette to know that she wasn't alone. She thought back to when the roles had been reversed and could only recall the being with Bette rather than what she had said or done. The most comforting thing was not being alone and she hoped Bette would feel the same. She would occasionally place a kiss anywhere she could reach without letting her go; her shoulder, back or the side of her head. Bette refused dinner and didn't move from the position all night. Tina managed to get some sleep but was unsure if Bette had been able to.
The next morning Tina called Bette in sick again. She was still curled up in bed. Tina realised she hadn't actually heard her say anything since yesterday morning and wasn't sure Bette had eaten anything in that time either. She attempted to coax Bette with some breakfast but got nothing and the stern look she received when she said she was staying home from work was enough for her to realise that Bette again didn't want that.
She was more worried today, and as she sat at the Plant she explained the situation. "I'm just not sure what to do. I have never seen her like this."
"I don't think Bette has ever experienced grief like this though. She was only little when her mom died. This is new for both of you," Alice offered.
"I know, I just hate this."
"Are you sure there's nothing we can do? I can take her some lunch in between clients," Shane asked.
"She really doesn't want to see anyone. I'm trying to remember how I felt and I just wanted to be alone for a while. She allowed me that so I want to do the same for her."
"She was so worried about you."
"What?"
"When you were dealing with what happened. She was so worried. She didn't say anything, but she was constantly checking her phone and she had this look on her face," Alice explained.
Shane nodded in agreement, "even when she was here it was like all she could think about was you and how you were doing."
Tina again left work early that day. She picked up takeout on the way home, something she knew Bette liked in hopes of getting her to eat something. Despite that Bette again didn't eat. She was still lead in their bed and Tina wasn't sure she had even moved. Again she didn't say anything, so Tina climbed into bed with her and they spent the evening together. Bette didn't really acknowledge Tina sliding in next to her, but when Tina scooted closer and pressed her body against her she relaxed into her slightly.
After having not slept properly for the past 2 nights Tina fell asleep quickly. She had been trying to fight at as she didn't think that Bette wasn't getting the same luxury, but she had given in.
"T?"
It was the middle of the night and Bette could tell that something was wrong. She couldn't get a breath in properly and all the thoughts that had been rushing through her head the past couple days had caught up to her
"Hmm?" In her sleeping daze Tina wasn't sure what she had heard, or actually if it was even just a dream.
"Are you awake?"
After not getting a response she called out again, her breaking getting shakier. "T?"
"Yeah, I'm awake."
Tina rolled over so she was facing Bette. In her sleep she had moved so they were no longer cuddled together. Tina kept her eyes shut she was exhausted and she didn't think she could force them open. She focused on listening to Bette instead. It was then she heard the breathing of the women next to her. She recognised it instantly. Bette wasn't often prone to panic attacks but Tina had become able to recognise the signs. The breathing was a dead give-away. It sounded like she had been strangled and was trying to chase the breath she had lost.
The tiredness left her body instantly, her eyes open and she bolted up taking in Bette. She was laid on her back, crying, her face full or fear as she tried sucking in air.
"Baby, baby look at me," Tina pleaded.
As soon as Bette made eyed contact with Tina she started crying harder and her breathing became more laborious.
"T. I'm so sorry," Bette pushed out.
"Shhh, don't be sorry. Just relax, it's okay."
Tina was thankful that she was here for this. She had expected it to happen sooner or later and she was just grateful that it hadn't happened when Bette was alone. Tina could offer her support and work through the grounding technique that she knew helped. They had been in similar situations before and she knew what to do.
The two focused on Bette's breathing first. Tina had her follow her breathing for a while and when she was a little bit calmer Tina bought up the grounding technique.
"Okay, let's start with 5 things you can see."
Bette nodded, "you, the ceiling, umm…". Bette turned her head "the curtains, my hair, the lamp."
"Perfect, next 4 things you can feel"
"My heart beating, the mattress, pain, you."
"Good, 3 things you can hear."
Bette closed her eyes to focus on the sounds around her. "My breathing… the wind… your breathing."
"Brilliant, now 2 things you can smell."
"Your perfume and the laundry detergent from the sheets."
"Almost there, one thing you can taste."
"My tears."
When she started to feel calmer she sat up and leant against Tina. She wanted to feel close to her love. Tina pulled her impossibly closer and rested her chin upon Bette's head. Bette focused on Tinas heart beating. Every now and again her breathing would shake slightly and she would regulate it in time with Tina's heart.
"It's all my fault. She was right. I'm sorry," Bette said after a while.
Now she had calmed down she was able to explain where her thought pattern had gone to. The past couple of days all that had been in her head were Fae's words. If she hadn't gotten involved with Tina, just left her with her boyfriend all those years ago she might have been a mother by now. Bette caused this, she believed that fully.
"Listen to me. This was not your fault. The same way that it wasn't mine. You would be an amazing mother. That women knows nothing about you or how much you already loved our son. It was nothing you did."
Bette peered up at Tina, through her curls. She was nervously biting on her lip as she shook her head lightly. "T…"
"When I found out I thought it was my fault. I came home and sat thinking about everything I could have done better, searching my behaviour to find what I did wrong. But I came to accept that this wasn't my fault. I know what she said to you cut deep, but I promise you I do not feel that way. I want to have children with you, I will always want to have children with you."
Bette snuggled in closer to Tina. She tried to soak in the words and overpower Fae's. Tina heard Bette mutter something.
"What was that?"
Bette lifted her head slightly so her face wasn't covered so by Tina's body. "You might have to tell me that a few times."
"I will tell you that every day for the rest of our lives if you need to hear it."
a/n: please let me know what you think