He was alone that day.
Despite the constant, annoying dust of the Underground, Levi had cleaned the den spotless. He had mopped the floor, arranged the kitchen, and removed all the spider webs. The pantries were empty, and he was running out of tea. But it didn't bother him as much as it used to. Unlike the other times, he knew that he would get more soon.
Sophie had managed to fix her mom's ODM gear, and Farlan had taken it to scout the surface's blacksmiths. Once they had gathered all the information on delivery and expedition schedules, they would send Sophie to steal all the necessary parts to build more gears.
And then, richness.
Despite the exhilarating thought, he couldn't help but feel uneasy. Yan's leg was getting worse every day, and he had retired from the gang. With Farlan being too busy planning heists, Yan no longer accompanying their dinner with nice chatting, and Sophie working day and night, their den had started to become an empty shell rather than a home.
Levi wandered around the room, opening and closing drawers, searching for something to do, checking corners to clean.
Nothing.
He didn't even have that old rusty knife anymore, the one he used to sharpen to kill time. Now it was broken, its blade sunken in that disgusting bar and its handle tossed in some Underground alley. But despite growing up with that knife, he barely missed it. There was something else taking up his headspace.
Sophie.
After she had told him everything about her parents on the rooftop, he had felt uneasier than ever, even worse than when he had to fight random people at Kenny's command. For some reason he couldn't comprehend, he felt responsible for what had happened to her dad, for treating her like some annoying brat that enjoyed picking up fights with him.
Because if she had no family left and worked on those gears only because of her dad, then perhaps they weren't so different from each other.
His chest tightened when he remembered the day Kenny had left him. How he had felt so powerless, useless even, as his silhouette disappeared between a gasping, horrified crowd, while the man he had just beat up struggled between breaths.
Had Sophie felt that same way when she had found her dad? That dread that she could've done better. Be better, so he had sent her to steal those parts from Kenny's buddies? Anything she could've done, so she hadn't lost the only thing she had left?
Instead of dwelling on regrets, he returned to the cabinet and retrieved a metal box. He opened it and moved the tea dust inside, separating it into two tiny piles. Yes, there was enough.
Levi lit up the stove with a match and took out two white teacups from another cupboard, one of them with a slightly chipped edge. He filled a pot with water, but instead of waiting for it to boil, he walked down the stairs that led to the basement. Even if he wasn't as talkative as Yan, he could try and keep her company while she worked.
He knocked, but he didn't hear her voice inside.
He opened the door, but there was no one at the desk.
She had said that morning that she would be working on the material list there, but the workshop was just as clean as when he had inspected it the previous night, and the candle hadn't even been lit up.
Levi went back to the house again and searched for her in the bedrooms. He climbed the staircase leading to the rooftop, hoping to see her there like that night.
Nothing.
Levi's heart began to race, just as the screech from the boiling teapot became louder. Had she left them for good now that the gear had been fixed, and her dad's work had been completed?
With a hasty move, he turned off the stove, only as a precaution as he walked out the door.
The cold and humid air outside brushed his face as he turned his head left and right, analyzing every alley, every passer-by. There were countless routes she could've followed and even more caves where she could've hidden. Despite living in a gruesome cage, his mind began to spin as he thought of the endless possibilities of her location.
A silhouette appeared at the end of the Eastern alley. Levi wrinkled his eyes, and when he distinguished the old, green shirt she always wore, he breathed out. She walked towards the den with slow steps, hanging her head and kicking some tiny stones on the way.
Once he recovered his composure, he raced towards her, and Sophie tilted her gaze.
"Where the hell were you?" grunted Levi.
"Huh?" Sophie stopped her kicking-and-walking regime, frowning.
"You weren't at the basement." Despite standing right in front of her, he didn't lower his voice. "You can't disappear like that. It's dangerous."
She blinked several times as she babbled, "Uhm, I just went out for a walk."
"You simply can't stay out of trouble, can you?"
Sophie looked away, and just before she lowered her head, Levi noticed some redness around her cheeks and eyes.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
Immediately, he attempted to correct his harshness. "It's…fine. But you should've told me first." He gulped, "Just to be safe."
"Oh." Sophie looked at him again, her eyes widening. "Thanks."
Staring at Sophie, the rumble from the nearby houses and market stands became almost inaudible. There was something off about her: no snarky remark or fighting back at his comments. Her face looked swollen, and her presence seemed further away than the few steps separating them.
"Come on, let's go back," said Levi, bending his neck towards their house.
The short stroll back was quiet. He was used to it, but not when it came to Sophie. She was always filling the silence with pointless conversations, almost as if she feared it.
And once they reached the stairs leading to the main door, she stood in the middle of the road, frozen.
"You okay?" asked Levi, halfway through the staircase. Sophie hadn't even placed a foot on the first step, looking at the scenery over her shoulder instead of at him.
"Yeah, yeah," she whispered. "Just, uhm…"
Instead of finishing the sentence, she sat on the first step of the staircase. Levi waited for her to stand up, but after a few moments of hesitance, he walked down and joined her.
He sat by her side, accompanying her in her silence.
"Tomorrow is my turn, right?" she finally said. "To scout the Mitras market."
"Yes. That way, we won't look very suspicious." Levi observed her profile, her gaze lost somewhere else. "You don't want to?"
"I want to go to the surface but…" She paused and gulped, "I don't want to break my mum's promise."
"About using the gear to escape the Underground?"
"Yeah."
Just like that night at the rooftop, he had a hard time seeing her so vulnerable. He didn't deserve it.
He crossed his arms and sighed, "I don't know a lot about promises, but if you don't want to do it, Farlan and I will take care of it."
"But that's the thing. I want to." Her voice became shallower as she continued, "And it feels wrong that I do."
"I don't think that there's anything wrong with wanting to leave this shithole."
Sophie shook her head and snorted. Joy filled Levi's heart as he saw such an unintentional comment make her forget her doubts. But it didn't last for long.
She finally turned to him. "What if something happens to me for breaking it?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know. But I'm scared." Levi's eyes intersected with hers, swollen and tired.
"Of the promise, or of the surface?"
"Both, I guess," she shrugged. "She always told me horrible things about the Titans and… the people living above."
Levi grabbed a tiny stone from the floor, fidgeting with it as he tried to find some words of encouragement. Not so that she would go through with the plan, but so he could see her acting like the annoying, crafty girl he knew.
"I don't think the people there are any worse than here," he said. "And the Walls must be very good at keeping the Titans away. Otherwise, those rich assholes would be living here instead."
"Sure," she whispered. Levi threw the stone away, the dust on the ground briefly lifting as a result. Sophie turned to him, bringing her knees to her chest. "And you?"
"Hm?"
"What are you scared of?"
The lanterns from the nearby houses shone their dim light on the stalactites from the ceiling. A pointy, silent threat that hung over their head every day. But those long, stone needles didn't seem as intimidating as his memories of darkness and loneliness.
Those days and nights in a lonely brothel room came back to him, along with the rotting smell, the long, black hair, and the lifeless hands that used to hold him when he was scared. He could barely remember her voice, and her face seemed to fade away every day, only to be substituted by a corpse.
Almost without registering it, he mumbled, "Being alone. Forgetting."
"Oh."
Levi looked at her and frowned. "What?"
"Nothing," her cheeks blushed, substituting the swollen redness from her crying. "I expected something more like…cockroaches. Or mold."
Levi rolled his eyes and scoffed, camouflaging the shame from his unconscious feelings. Perhaps he had exposed himself too much. Perhaps she preferred to talk with the protective, cold thug from the bar.
"I'm scared of that too," said Sophie, interrupting his thoughts.
Levi curled his lips and stared at her. "Cockroaches?"
"Yeah, a bit," she snorted. After a pause, she swayed her head and continued with a fainter voice. "And being alone. Not being good enough for the people I care about. Losing myself."
An urge he couldn't handle assaulted him. An unnameable feeling of protection, of offering her strength, words. Anything.
"What do you think is the right choice for you?" said Levi. "Not for your mum, your dad, or even us. For you. What is it that you want?"
Sophie's big, dark eyes stared at him with curiosity. The orange, dusty light from the nearby lanterns reflected on her pupil.
"I want to go to the surface," she asserted, confident. "I want to see the world and be someone."
"You are someone."
Sophie scoffed, "No, I'm not. I'm always doing what other people want me to do." She covered her mouth and gasped, "Sorry, I didn't mean—"
"No, I get it," he interrupted her, lifting his hand. "I get it."
Levi stared at her pondering gesture, wrinkling her nose and forehead like when she was trying to figure something out. Some gear it didn't fit, some wire that wasn't tight enough. But for him, at that moment, nothing needed fixing.
A strand of hair fell from her bun, and she quickly tucked it behind her ear as she whispered, "Uhm, I should finish that list for tomorrow."
"So you are going?"
"Yeah," she said, her eyes scanning his face. "I'm going."
"What are we doing here?"
Sophie's inquisitive voice forced Levi to turn around, his hand still over the boarded door, about to push it open.
She stood on the tallest step of the staircase leading to the tunnel, observing Levi at its end below. The mist from the early morning had begun to dissipate, and it surrounded Sophie as if she were about to disappear with it.
He had thought that a good night's sleep would've been enough for her to relax. But she wrapped her arms around herself, anxiously looking around. Even though the grey sweater and long skirt were thick enough to protect her from the occasional chill breeze, she seemed to protect herself from something else.
"Is this Hange's way of putting me back in my place?" she said with a harsher tone.
Levi shook his head. "Hange has nothing to do with this."
"Then what is this, huh? Some literal guilt trip?"
Levi walked up the stairs, every step resounding on the tunnel as the distance between them shortened. The ochre light of dawn began shining on his face, warming up his skin as he reached the last few steps.
That same light shone on Sophie, but unlike Levi, she wasn't willing to let go of it. With furrowed brows, she stared at him, standing just one step below.
"I trust you," he said, offering his hand. "Do you trust me?"
He kept his arm extended, waiting for her hold, for her to give up that high stand. She remained with her arms crossed, full of suspicion.
Levi tilted his hand a bit more, hoping it would make her more comfortable, but it only increased the uncertainty between them.
"This isn't about trust," she scoffed, looking away.
"I know."
Levi leaned forward, bringing his hand even closer to hers. Instead of giving in, she clenched her fingers around her arm, holding onto it.
But despite the tight grip on herself, her voice became a mere whisper. "I don't want to do this."
"There is no one living there anymore."
"That's not it."
"Then what is it?"
Sophie closed her eyes and threw her head back, the sunlight on her forehead illuminating her hair like a copper halo.
"Why are you doing this?" she asked.
Levi let his arm fall back. There had to be another way to reach out to her.
"Why did you go to Asbel's cell?"
Sophie turned to him with the slowest motion, lowering her head until their eyes intersected again, full of defiance. Levi felt a knot in his throat as he awaited her response. But at that point, her letting go of that hostile defense would've been enough for him.
"Because I had to," she said, decisively. "I had to break away from him."
"And did you?"
"Yes."
"You need to break away from this too."
Sophie anxiously shook her head. "No, I—"
"We can leave if you want," he cut her off. "I won't force you to do this, but I think you need to remember."
Sophie let out a disapproving snort. "Remember what? That I almost starved in that disgusting basement? That I killed people and risked my life for fucking junk every day? Because I already have a very pretty scar to remind me."
"That those gears weren't the reason why you were important to me," he breathed out, oblivious to her words.
He could almost see all the tightness surrounding her disappearing. Her eyes became wide and big, and the grip on her own arms became looser. Until she finally let go.
Levi felt the need to offer his hand again, but before he could do so, Sophie stepped down and grabbed it.
With her attention fixed on the musty door at the staircase's end, she whispered, "I trust you."
Together, they walked down every step until the door stood in front, leaving the sunlight behind them. The large, metal lock tying the two panels together had already been released. They simply needed to push them open.
Without letting go of Levi's hand, Sophie leaned against the right panel, and Levi did the same with the left one. The wood screeched, and the lock fell with a clink.
The darkness and coldness inside swallowed them in an instant. Levi could feel Sophie freezing by his side, to the point that her breathing could barely be heard.
It wasn't the first time he had been there after the permit to live above had been revoked. Everyone had left, and despite how much pain he had suffered there, sometimes, that familiar quietness had offered him a different kind of understanding.
He slid his hand away from Sophie's for just a second, and he heard her urgent whirl towards him. But instead of explaining himself, he grabbed one of the copper lamps next to the entrance and turned its top shaft. The opening revealed the gleaming ore, flooding the area with a cold, blue light almost instantly.
Levi turned to Sophie, staring at him with the same fearful expression from that night at the bar, the chapel, and their reunion in Yormgen. One that made him see the humanity in her, beyond the powerful lady with the expensive clothes.
He grabbed her hand again, the lamp illuminating the way in front: a narrow corridor that ended in darkness. Each step they took drove them deeper, lower into the cave. The dust and sand on the ground muffled their steps, and the humidity of the air became almost asphyxiating.
The coldness increased more and more, but the passage seemed endless. Levi noticed Sophie nervously looking over her shoulder several times, but the path behind them was already blacked out, with no trace of the staircase and the sunlight from before.
But as they kept walking, a dim ray of light began to shine through the darkness. It came from above, and once they got closer, Levi realized what it was: one of the cave's openings. Just like the ones they had used to scout the surface, although less broad and well-hidden.
He felt Sophie's hand letting go of his, only for her to walk a few steps further, captivated by the view.
"That place…" she mumbled, her back still on Levi.
"What about it?"
Sophie turned around, but not towards him. She gazed up to the dark horizon on their side.
"That door was the eastern passage, right? Which means my basement…" She paused, using her finger to point the area. "Is over there. And our den is down that alley." Without waiting for Levi's confirmation, she looked at him over her shoulder. "Did you do it on purpose?"
Levi blinked several times, puzzled by the question. "I…figured it would be the fastest route."
"Yes." Sophie sighed, hanging her head. "Yes, it is."
She resumed her walk, but not towards the basement and the den, like Levi had planned. Instead, she strolled towards the fractured cave opening on the opposite side.
Levi extended his arm towards her. "Oi, that's not—"
"I know," she replied, stopping on her feet for just a second.
Instead of asking further, Levi sprinted towards Sophie until he stood by her side again. But it didn't seem like she needed him anymore. Only the light he was holding.
The opening became clearer and closer, and the ground turned steeper and coarser. With every step they took, mounds of dirt began to appear on their way, rocks rolling down as they walked in between them.
The light from the tear shone on the tallest mound. It seemed impossible to climb, but before he could calculate a way around it, Sophie dug her hands and feet on its muddy slope, crudely making her way to the top. Despite her clumsy motion and muffled grunts, he knew better than cautioning her. Just like that girl that never stopped working, she wasn't going to stop until she had reached the top.
He adjusted the lamp's handle around his elbow and climbed the mound, trying not to focus on all the damp filth getting stuck below his fingernails. His gaze was fixed on the cold terrain, looking for potential grips he could hold onto, when he suddenly noticed a warmth just above him, waiting at the top. He tilted his head.
Sophie knelt on the ground, extending her hand towards him. Levi stared at her, the dusky light contouring her silhouette. Without thinking twice, and even though he didn't need her help, he grabbed her hand.
Once they were at the top, Levi brushed away the dust and sand covering the sleeves of his white shirt. Not the best occasion for such attire.
Unbothered by the state of her clothes, Sophie sat on the faded patches of green covering the muddy ground. Her gaze got lost in the fuzzy horizon of the city, where the contour of the houses and stalactites could barely be seen.
"I used to sneak out of the den to come here sometimes," she mumbled, with a voice low enough to reach Levi but not loud enough to echo inside the cave.
Levi put the lamp down and stood next to her, apprehensive of sitting on the filthy ground. Sophie looked over her shoulder, towards a rocky area at the mound's foot.
"They are there," she said.
Levi briefly looked at the pile of rocks below. "They?"
"My dad. My mom."
Levi breathed out. And with that breath, his will to stand faded away. He sat by her side, even though her gaze was still back on the horizon.
Sophie lifted her hand, passing her thumb over her soil-covered fingertips.
"My hands are all dirty…" she muttered. "It's been a while."
Levi didn't know what to say. That trip, initially so she could understand that she was more than just a clockwork ruler, to bring back the passionate basement girl that didn't care about anything else, had brought the wrong kind of memories back.
"I wonder if people ever thought about it when they grabbed my hand at those grandiose meetings and parties," she said, almost talking to herself more than to Levi. "I always noticed so many things from people's hands, like your calluses. But I wonder if someone ever thought: She used those hands to move rocks twice her size, to bury someone she cared about. Twice. " Finally, she turned to him. "Did you?"
His chest suddenly became tighter. "No."
Sophie threw her head back, indifferent to his answer. "My dad… He was obsessed with escaping to the surface. And my mum ran away from it. I guess I chose this place because it's the closest they got to their dream. He gets that taste of freedom and fresh air, and she gets to hide." Her voice became a mere whisper. "Can't say I don't understand them."
"But you aren't them."
Sophie closed her eyes, wrinkling her nose as the single stream of light shone on her face.
"But wouldn't you say that there is a part of Kenny in you?"
Her voice echoed not only in the cave but also inside Levi's head. He knew that his survival had been thanks to his teachings, but was that the only thing that had stuck with him?
"I'm a good soldier because of him. But that doesn't mean I'm like him."
"Yeah, you are not," she whispered, turning to him with a blank expression. "Do you wish you hadn't met him?"
The questions were digging deeper, harder into the armor he had built around himself for years. There was a simple, easy, and automatic answer. The one that allowed him to distance himself from the memories and the pain. But he decided to reply with more honesty and vulnerability.
"Sometimes. Before he told me he was my uncle, yes."
"And after that?"
"He died right after."
Sophie blinked several times. "So...?"
"I don't know," he cut her off. "Him being family sort of…changed things for me."
That sentence began a silence between them too dense to ignore. But Levi didn't regret his answer.
"Do you forgive him?" said Sophie, hanging her head.
"No."
"Then what changed?"
Levi placed his hands on the ground, sinking his fingers in the soggy dirt, unaware of the disgusting feeling he always tried to avoid.
"Now I know he didn't leave because I wasn't enough," he said. "He did it because he wasn't enough."
Sophie brought her knees closer to her chest as she mumbled, "You've also left people for the same reason."
Levi turned to her, observing her protective posture. She wasn't wrong, and he had also killed people in cool blood like Kenny had. Perhaps there was more of Kenny in him than what he was willing to admit. But he figured a way to help her understand what making peace with a hurtful person felt like.
"You forgave your mother," he breathed out.
"I didn't."
"But you told me—"
"I didn't."
The sharpness of her voice penetrated his skin more than the chilling breeze of that cave. Sophie extended her legs, leaning back with her hands on the ground.
She took a deep breath. "When I went to get those parts at the blacksmith…I used her name to sign a waiver. You know about that, don't you?"
"Yes."
"So you also know I used that same name to sign all the papers that came after."
Levi gulped, "Yes."
"I could've written any random name and gotten away with it," she mumbled. "Do you know why I chose hers?"
Levi shook his head.
"I thought she was doing the right thing by lying to us. I thought she was trying to protect what was dear to her. That's why I forgave her back then. But she was nothing but a liar."
"The battlefield is tough. She was probably shocked after seeing—"
"Shocked?" Sophie chuckled with disdain.
Levi continued, "You said yourself that if you had seen the things she had seen, the things she told you about, you would've also run away to the most hidden place in the world. I'm not saying that what she did was the best choice, but it wasn't the worst one either."
He had a hard time distinguishing whether those words were his true thoughts or his hidden wishes. In the loneliest, darkest nights of mourning, he wished he could've run away as well. He wished he could've brought everyone he cared about to a hidden basement, away from battles and Titans. Just as he had left Sophie on the surface.
He didn't notice her judgmental gaze on him until her voice pierced through the silence. "Then what about my choices? Do you also think my choices weren't the worst ones ?"
"Why do you keep comparing yourself to her?" he growled.
"Because that's also what I thought. I also thought I was doing the right thing by signing those papers. I thought I was helping the gang, then Asbel and the Military, and then…" Her voice cracked for just a moment, only to return as a mere whisper. "Myself. When there was nothing else, I thought I simply did it to help myself. I lied to myself the same way she did."
"Sophie," his voice became a command more than a call. "She is dead, and you are here right now, doing the right thing. There's no point in torturing yourself over what happened."
But she didn't seem comforted by his response. If anything, her jawline became tenser, and her eyes narrowed.
"You never really answered my question from the office, did you?" she said. "When I asked you if anything would've changed, had we met on the surface instead of the Underground."
"I told you it didn't matter."
"What if it did?"
"It doesn't."
"It matters to me," she countered, every syllable of her words resounding in the cave. "I think you said that things happen because of our choices. So, what if you could've chosen? What if you could've chosen to be an Underground thug or a Sheena snob?"
"I think the answer is pretty obvious."
"Is it?"
He took a moment to repeat the question in his head. Two doors in front of him. One leading to a past of loneliness and dust in a dark cave. The other one to the richness and comfort he had hoped those gears would bring him. But when taking a closer look inside, he could almost see himself back at that bridge in Trost, the smoke of an alien cigarette swirling around him. A pair of incisive blue eyes, a quiet laugh.
I believe you and I are quite similar, Captain.
"I would've chosen the Underground," he breathed out, a quick pick to make the imagery disappear from his mind.
And yet, Sophie seemed disappointed with his answer. Lowering her gaze, she mumbled, "She chose the same."
Levi turned to her, frowning. His lips fell ajar, but Sophie's voice overlapped with his.
"My mother wasn't a nobody who joined the Corps with dreams of being a hero." She took a deep breath, but Levi's chest tightened in anticipation. "She was a noble. Not Asbel's level of nobility, but I bet she knew what sleeping in fine bedsheets felt like."
The shock wasn't as strong as the silence between them. A silence that only Sophie dared to break with a disapproving scoff, looking away. "She gave it all up and kept us here, knowing full well that she could've protected us above. She chose to trap me in a basement. She chose to lie to my father."
Levi blinked several times, his thoughts trying to find a voice amidst the confusion. "But why?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know? Didn't she tell you?" His turmoil slowly became anger, his tone turning louder.
"No, she didn't tell me any of this," she mumbled with disdain. Only to finally look at him and whisper, " He did."
"Fucking asshole…" Levi threw his head back with a growl. That damn jerk again. "Why did he?"
"I don't know. I don't remember."
"You don't remember?"
Sophie rubbed her forehead, but something told Levi that it was a deliberate gesture. "I was… drunk. I'm not sure what happened. I woke up, and there was a file on my nightstand."
"But why?" His hoarse voice resounded in the cave, demanding answers for questions he never thought he would need to ask.
"I don't know!" The echo of her shout continued to travel between them, and Levi feared it would never leave. Sophie's breathing became shallower as she gulped. "He always went against my father and my filthy Underground blood, but never, ever against my mother. I thought the file was one of his damn games, so I never confronted him about it."
"But is it true? What was on that file?" To his question, Sophie simply nodded. "When did he tell you?"
"Uhm, a few weeks before you came by." Levi noticed her shivering, so he got closer to her, an attempt to reduce the instinctive coarseness of his voice. "When you came to Ehrmich after all those years and told me I could do the right thing this time. I… I realized that I wanted to make the choice she never did. I didn't want to keep hiding and lying like she did, so that's why… I went to see Erwin."
Levi analyzed every bit of her profile, looking for a sentiment behind that deliberate distance she had placed between them.
"I understand why you did what you did," he interrupted, not letting her fall into the shallow pit of regrets. "But why did she ? Are you sure she could've protected you above?"
She nodded, "Her family lives in the mountains up North."
"Have you ever tried talking to them?"
"No. I'm tired of dealing with nobles."
"But you still wish you had been born one."
"Yes," she admitted with a whisper. "Because I know what it's like. You watch life from this tall, marble balcony above everything and everyone else. You get everything you want. You never starve, and you never feel cold." The light from the opening brightened her pupils, filled with melancholy rather than hurt and anger like before. "I wish I'd had that from the beginning, instead of fighting and burying people with my bare hands."
"And you think it would've changed anything?"
"I don't know." She wrapped her arms around her legs, pulling them closer to her chest. "Above...is cruel like the Underground, she was right about that. But the only price to pay for your safety is to pretend. You pretend the people that invite you to those grand ballrooms actually like you. You pretend you love your husband and that you deserve to be there because of your hard work. " She paused, taking a few deep breaths, but that didn't stop her voice from cracking. "You pretend you don't know whose hands crafted the clothes you are wearing or who worked on the projects that paid for them. It's...twisted and fake. But also..."
"Safe," he breathed out.
"Yes. Safe."
Levi clenched the damp dirt under his hand. The feeling that he was grounded to something that wasn't grounded to anything made him remember Hange's question the previous night.
How did she do it?
Pretend. That's what she had done by wearing heels around the house, by stealing Charles's cigarette case, and by talking from a position she no longer held at Hange's office. In that single stream of light of that cave, he could see the real Sophie. The one that just wanted to never starve or feel cold again.
"Pretending doesn't seem very expensive," he mumbled, almost without registering it.
"Depends on who you ask."
"I'm asking you."
Her eyes were lost in the horizon, remembering the past, avoiding the present as she spoke, "It wasn't, at first. But at some point, there weren't enough things to mask the truth. At some point, it was just me. And I didn't want to be like her. "
Her teary eyes resembled the ones from before the deliberation. A cry of despair that he had failed to understand.
I'm a crazy woman who thought she was helping others. Hurting and lying to the people close to her because of her selfish delusion.
But it wasn't stranger to him. And he could see why someone would've betrayed who they cared about for some selfish delusion in the name of protection. He had done so too by abandoning her in that world of pretense. And so had she, beyond the lies of the world above.
"You also lied to Dan, just like your mother did to you. Because you knew how much the truth would hurt him," he said. Sophie straightened her back, defensive, but he continued, "Maybe there was something she didn't want you to know. Maybe she truly wanted to protect you. "
Sophie turned towards the pile of rocks below the mound. The copper locks of hair covered her face, hiding everything from Levi. So he waited.
"You think she didn't want me to know, huh?" she muttered. "I wouldn't want Dan to know. But why did he want me to know? After talking down on me for so many years?"
"The only thing that matters is whether you want to know."
Every minute waiting for her answer felt like a needle in his throat.
"She is dead, and I'm doing the right thing…" she repeated to herself. "Maybe it doesn't matter anymore."
"That's also what I think. But whether you want to find out or not, it's your choice."
She finally turned to him, tucking her hair behind her ears. Her lips were parted in anticipation, waiting for her words to be voiced.
"You told me at that rooftop that no matter what I did, I would still be me. But you still haven't answered my question from the office," she said. "Would you have felt the same way about me if you had met me on the surface? If I had been noble from the North?"
Levi's chest tightened. He clenched his fist on the ground, but that wasn't enough. The tone of her voice, the expectation in her eyes, told him that there was no room for avoidance.
"Yes," he gulped.
Was that a lie, just because he didn't have an answer?
Sophie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Even in such a dim light, Levi could still see the little freckles over her nose. The freckles of that Yormgen farmer who, despite two years apart, had only recovered the strength she had always possessed.
And he realized, he didn't regret his answer.
"Then I don't need to know anything else," she breathed out. "About my mother, the damn snobs from above, or whatever the hell he was trying to do."
Levi released his grip on the dirt, feeling the blood traveling to the tip of his fingers again. The sense of relief expanded over his body as he scooted even closer to Sophie.
"I'm glad to hear that," he whispered, his right cheek quickly tensing up to form a light smirk. He threw his head back, taking in their conversation, quietly still echoing over the cave. "You and you damn secrets…"
"You say it as if you didn't have any."
Levi turned to her and frowned. He was aware of his own secrecy, but how did she know?
"Don't we all?" he said, looking away to avoid her inquisitive gaze.
"True," she sighed. "But I wonder what yours are."
He had many, but there was one she could know about. One that he hadn't been able to tell anyone, because no one else would understand. One that didn't involve failed promises and bargains of trust.
"I miss being here, sometimes," he whispered, hanging his head. "Things were dangerous. But also easier."
It wasn't until he had finally let go of that feeling that he realized its weight. And in that tense silence, he wondered what would the girl that dreamed of being someone, and the woman that wished for a better past think of it. Of him.
Sophie sighed, "I think we just didn't know better."
"Maybe." Levi finally turned to her, staring at the ceiling. Beyond the fights and the violence, had she forgotten everything else? "You never missed it?"
"I missed us," she said with a breath. "I missed having real friends. A real family. Real…" Sophie cut herself off, clearing her throat. "People."
He hadn't lived in that world of pretense. Hange was his friend. A real friend. But despite living in that harsh reality, there was something he had never had.
A real family.
He turned his head towards the rocks below. He had always struggled with voicing his thoughts, but at that moment, they escaped his lips almost instantly.
"I don't know where she is."
Sophie turned to him, frowning. "You mean…?"
"My mother. Kenny buried her. I don't know where." He gulped, and his voice turned into a whisper. "I don't remember where."
Sophie approached him, but he was too stunned, too focused on remembering, to notice anything beyond the increasing warmth by his side.
"What do you remember?" she whispered.
Levi clenched his jaw, trying to get to the part of his mind that he barely ever dared to enter.
"She had a nice voice." He closed his eyes, imagining her again. Remembering her smell, the touch of that white dress. What else? "She had long, black hair. She had this...silver hairbrush. I always played with it." The fleeting warmth in that cold cave, he had felt that before. "She used to hug me a lot."
He kept digging in his memories, finding feelings or events that reminded him of her. Had she made him any toys out of rags? Had she taught him any bedtime stories? Was there anything else that wasn't tainted with the rotten smell of her corpse?
No, there wasn't much else.
He opened his eyes with a sigh, bending his neck towards Sophie. She observed him with wide eyes, expectant. But also, comforting.
"What about your… father?"
Levi cleared his throat. "Never met him."
"Oh."
He could feel the apology, the pity about to leave her lips. To avoid it, he grunted, "Doesn't matter."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
Sophie got even closer to him, resting her head over his shoulder. And somehow, in that lonely cave, with that single stream of light, it was enough.
But if he had met his dad, and if he had been in Sophie's place, would he have still chosen the Underground?
The only thing he knew for sure, was that he would've done anything to see his mother again. Or at least, to remember her better again.
Suddenly, he noticed Sophie shivering.
"Are you cold?" he asked.
"Eh, a bit…"
"Let's go back."
Sophie batted her eyes. "No, it's fine. We can still—"
"It's okay. We can come back any other time." Seeing the hesitation in her eyes, he added, "If you want."
"Yes," she breathed out, her lips forming a smile.
They stood up and cleaned some of the dust and dirt on their clothes. With Levi holding the lamp, they walked towards the edge of the mound, and Levi offered his hand again. Sophie grabbed it, but only to gently pull him towards her.
"Uhm, just so you know. I don't think anyone else knows about...her," she said, quickly bending her neck towards the rocks. "And I would prefer if it stayed that way."
Without thinking twice, he replied. "Of course."
She smiled, tightening the hold on his hand. Together, they glided down the mound's slope until they were back on the alley.
"So, just to be sure…" said Levi, breaking the silence. "Do I need to bow every time I see you?"
Sophie clicked her tongue, swaying her head. "You already make the bed and clean the house, so bowing doesn't sound too far-fetched."
Levi scoffed, "Then Your Highness will need to learn how to properly use a fucking mop if she wants to keep raiding my kitchen." He stopped on his feet for a moment, scanning Sophie. "And you also need to tell me that story from the Trost bet."
"Oh no. No, no," she babbled. "I'll take it to the grave if I have to."
"Then I hope you take those dirty cups and crumpled papers under my desk with you."
Sophie let out a loud laugh, covering her mouth with her hand. And despite that gesture of pretense, and even though he hadn't been able to show her the reason for their visit as he would've liked, or all his secrets, the echo of her giggles was enough to make up for it.
Author's Note
The majority of this chapter was written with The Moth and The Flame by Les Deux Love Orchestra on repeat (very fitting since they are in a cave with just one light above them). It's a song about desperately chasing things that hurt us in the name of goodness, and how we can't escape that cycle or see the truth in our delusion.
I think it summarizes Sophie's character very well, which is also the "focus" of this chapter. She "loses herself" because she gets blinded by the allure of a "better life." And even though she knows it's actually not better and that it's just a big lie, even though she knows she has no reason or position to act mighty anymore, the whole thing just feels safe for her. Because even if it isn't, after a life of being side-lined and lied to, pretending is not an expensive price to pay either.
But Levi grounds her, and she grounds him too. They do so by bringing out the most human part of one another, but also without sugar-coating each other's actions and mistakes. Levi doesn't need to act cold-blooded like he does with everyone else in the Military, and she doesn't need to act like a stone-hearted queen. But it's what the world has demanded of them, and old habits are hard to break.
The next chapter has more focus on Levi! I know I haven't touched the OG cast besides the Vets and Commanders, but in the next chapter he gets one interesting interaction with a certain canon character…