One night, about a year after returning to New Orleans, Kitty heard a pounding on her front door. It wasn't the polite knock of a friendly neighbor but the almost frantic knock of someone desperate to see her. Kitty couldn't think of anyone that…
Her heart suddenly began to beat faster and she pushed herself to move as fast as possible to the front door.
Matt was there, tall, gaunt and somewhat grizzled but there. "Matt…"
Matt moved quickly into the entryway, sweeping her up into his arms kissing her fervently as if making up for all the time they'd been apart. When Matt finally pulled back, it was only so he could bend, pick her up and carry her to her sofa by the fireplace.
"Matt, what…"
"Kitty, I'm sorry. I came to apologize and to ask you to marry me." He stopped her with a rush of words.
Kitty was positive she was still dreaming. This couldn't be real. "Matt, I don't understand." She pushed him back. "What are you talking about? Marriage? Why? Why, now?"
"That's kinda hard to answer." Matt sat back and took a breath. "Short of it is, I guess, is that I'm a fool and it took you leaving to make me see it."
Kitty shook her head at him. "I've left before, Matt. Several times in fact. Those times didn't seem to faze you."
Matt dropped his head and got to his feet, turning away from her as he spoke. "They fazed me, Kitty. They did. But I… well, I just didn't believe you'd stay gone and to be fair, you didn't. You always came back. I know how egotistical that makes me sound, and even selfish. But that's the plain of it. I… I just always knew somehow that you'd come back. But this time…" He shook his head and looked down to the floor before doing a half turn and looking back up at her. "This time you didn't."
"No, I didn't. I didn't plan on it. I didn't plan on coming back those other times either, Matt." Kitty told him.
Matt nodded. "I know. But you did. That's why when you left this time, I… well, I didn't think you'd stay gone at first."
"What about when I went to Ballard." Kitty pressed. "I actually did plan to stay there, Matt. If you remember I even bought in the Claire's saloon and put the Long Branch up for sale."
Matt nodded again. "Yes, you did. And that's why I went there. Yes, I had official business there but I'd have gone even if I hadn't of. I was convinced that if I went there and talked to you, you'd come home. And you did."
"I see." Kitty shook her head at him. "So is that what this is? You figure you'll just come and crook your finger and I'll come running back?"
"No." Matt denied. "I mean I did but I didn't."
"What does that mean?" Kitty frowned at him.
Matt leaned against a wing chair by the fireplace. "When I got here, I did have that in the back of my mind. But then I went and saw Julie Blaine. She was the only one that I could think of that would tell me where you were. She told me where you live but she made it clear you weren't intending to ever go back to Dodge. In fact, she pretty much warned me to not even bother coming here if I intended to ask you come back. She told me you'd settled down here and was happy. So, I know just my asking won't get you to come home."
"Then why did you come?" Kitty was blunt but she felt bluntness was called for in this situation. "If you knew I wouldn't come back, why try?"
"Because I love you, Kitty." Matt answered honestly. "No matter what, Julie said, I still had to try because I love you. When you opened that door, all I could think of was holding you and kissing you and..."
"I'm sorry, Matt, but…" Kitty shook her head but Matt stopped her.
"Kitty, please listen to me. When you didn't come back to Dodge in a few months after leaving and I heard nothing from you, reality finally sunk in that I'd lost you and that scared me more than any bad man with a gun ever could. I think I can still be an effective lawman but not without you. You were always the one thing, the only person who could make the bad part of my job go away and make everything else seem worthwhile. Without you there, I can't do it. I just can't."
Kitty shook her head again. "No. Sorry, Matt, but no." She got back to her feet and paced over to the fireplace, leaning against the mantle. "I can't come back as long as you continue to be Marshal. I'm no longer that young woman who blindly believes that love will overcome everything. I now know it won't, or at least not in our case. And I will not put myself through that again. I won't. I can't." Her voice rose as she spoke until the last two words. Those were uttered almost at a whisper.
She waited for Matt to turn and leave. He always had before, but he didn't this time. He continued to stand rooted to the spot he was in. "Matt," she shook her head wearily. "Please go away. I can't do this anymore. Can't you see that?"
"I can see it, Kitty." He answered. "And I can't do it either." Taking a deep breath, Matt made sure she was looking straight at him before he spoke again. "I turned in my badge a month ago, Kitty. Newly agreed to be the new Marshal until the service decides who they want to replace me."
"Matt," Kitty shook her head. "You've done…"
"Yes, I've done that before too." He stopped her. "And each time I did it, I knew, deep down, that I'd return to it. No matter what I said or how hard I tried to convince myself and everyone else, I always knew I'd go back."
Matt took a step closer to her. "But not this time. Kitty, you have always been the glue that held everything together for me. Everything. No matter how bad or horrible, I always had you to put it right."
He took another couple of steps; grateful she hadn't moved back from him. "This time I didn't have you and I realized I never would again unless I made some changes. You'd already done the hard part, Kitty. You walked away and made me open my eyes to how things really are."
He took the last step and gently gripped her shoulders, needing the contact. "I tried to soldier on, and I did a fairly passable job of pretending that everything was alright without you. But it wasn't all right. I wasn't all right and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't continue. I couldn't."
He waited a moment, expecting her to pull away, but she stayed so he continued. "Kitty, I've never been good at words. Action has always been easier for me. I knew that no matter what I said, you'd probably not believe me. So, I acted. I quit my job and I bought the Sweeny place just south of town. Took me some time but I fixed it up so that when I came for you, I'd have a place to take you to. That is, if you'll have me."
He paused hoping she wouldn't say no, but she didn't say anything. "Well?" He finally questioned. "Will you?"
Kitty was at a loss for words. After all these years, she was having trouble reading Matt Dillon. Was he serious? Did he really mean what he said? "I…" She licked her suddenly dry lips, unconsciously mimicking his gestures. "Matt, are you serious?" She finally asked.
"I'm serious, Kitty." He answered. "More so than ever in my life. I've been selfish and slow when it comes to you and I know I pretty much took you for granted for a long time. But no longer. If you say no, I know it won't be anyone's fault but mine and I'll leave. But I surely hope you don't."
Kitty finally pulled away from him and paced away several steps before stopping. She studied the floor for several moments before looking back up at him. "I don't know, Matt." She shook her head as she folded her arms tight against her chest. "I don't know if I can trust you."
"Trust me?" Matt questioned. "Kitty, I would never…"
"Hurt me?" She stopped him. "Matt, every time you got shot, I got hurt. Every time you rode out of Dodge without a word to me about where you were going or when you'd come back, I got hurt. Every time you were in danger, I got hurt. Every time you brought an old girlfriend or a new one to town or some baby I couldn't keep, and asked me to take care of them, I got hurt. And lets not even talk about the times I literally got hurt by someone looking for you. You never considered my feelings. I was just always good ol' reliable Kitty. The one you used for what you needed but nothing else."
"Kitty, I never thought of it as 'using' you." Matt stopped her. "I just…"
"You just didn't consider my feelings, Matt. The only time I ever felt that you were putting me first, was in the bedroom and even then not completely. Even in the bedroom, my feelings, my wishes, were still second to yours when to came to wanting children or spending uninterrupted time together. I can't go back to that. I just can't do it. And if that's what you're thinking, then no."
The more Kitty talked, the lower Matt's head dropped. He'd come to woo her back, hoping that when she realized how hard his life was without her, she'd drop everything and come home. But he'd never really given too much thought to how hard her life had been with him.
"I'm sorry, Kitty." He murmured as he turned and swiftly left the house, closing the door tightly behind him.
Kitty heavily dropped down onto the couch in tears. He'd done it again. "Damn him!" She cried. "Damn you, Matt Dillon!"
TBC