"Are you all packed up? Need me to help you with anything while you're gone?"
"No, I'm good, but thank you," Ed replied with a slight smile. "It's just three days in Albany."
She frowned into the glass of wine she was nursing. "This is awfully sudden. I was hoping we'd be able to sit down and you know, talk... about everything that's been going on between us?"
He frowned apologetically. "I'm sorry for going on such short notice. It's just too good an opportunity to pass up."
"No, you should go. I know this is important." Albany meant that Ed's departure from IAB was well and truly confirmed. The police conference he was attending was one thing; more important was that in attendance would be numerous other NYPD captains and chiefs, many of whom were probably eager to entice Ed to join their departments now that he was free of IAB. The residual soreness from his sudden departure still bothered Olivia, but the realisation that he'd soon be in a brand new position provided a modicum of hope. Perhaps things would look up for both of them if he found a position he was truly happy in.
A ping on both their phones interrupted their conversation, and Olivia absent-mindedly picked hers up from the kitchen counter. Her eyes shot open when she glanced at the screen and realised it was an email from Delta, bearing some news she'd nearly forgotten about in the midst of all the recent chaos.
This email is to remind you that your flight to PARIS Charles de Gaulle Airport (CDG) departs in TWO weeks. Select your seat and purchase your upgrades…
Paris.
She'd almost forgotten that she and Ed had tickets to Paris. Whether that still was happening, she didn't know. They'd split the cost of the tickets between them, so she could always choose to back out and forfeit her and Noah's tickets if she wanted to, but was that too drastic a move? Suddenly, she felt anxiety flood her body; anxiety to figure out whatever this situation with Ed was.
Olivia looked up at Ed, who was also staring at his phone with an identical expression. "Paris…?" she started.
"Yeah," he muttered half-heartedly. "It's coming up soon, isn't it?"
"Yeah," she muttered back.
Neither of them spoke for a few seconds, leaving a thick silence hanging in the air. Olivia stared at the email, the stock photos of the Eiffel Tower and Arc de Triomphe taunting her. She'd been so excited to go to Paris. Opportunities kept eluding her because of her busy schedule the past few years, but ironically, now that she actually had tickets booked, the problem was no longer with her schedule but instead with her travel companion.
Haven't booked your hotel yet? Click HERE for hotel offers in the City of Love!
Damn it. The thought of touring the City of Love with a person with whom her love was on the rocks made her stomach lurch. And she would have Noah, on his first international trip, in tow. How could she possibly deal with that stress?
Olivia's mind wandered back to her session with Dr. Lindstrom from a few days ago.
Right now it sounds like both of you to take a step back from this. Not talk for a few days so you have the space to sort out your emotions.
Right now, with Ed going to Albany, that was wise, well-timed advice.
"Maybe we should take a break for a few days and talk about this when you get back from Albany," she suggested.
She was relieved when Ed looked like he was on board with the idea. "I think that's for the best. I'll text you when I get back?"
"Yeah, let's do that. And Ed… I'm sorry. For everything."
He took her hand from across the counter and squeezed it gently. "I'm sorry too, Liv. I know things have been difficult. I really hope we can get past all of this."
"Me too."
This was the most calm and affectionate they'd been with each other in a long time, and for a second Olivia thought she saw the old Ed - the one she originally fell in love with and really wanted back. To know that he still existed beneath the layers of hurt, betrayal and mistrust between them was profoundly comforting, and she found herself dropping her guard by the second.
She squeezed his hand back. "Drive safe, okay? I'll see you soon."
Ed broke out into a genuine smile, which warmed Olivia's heart more than she thought it would. "I will. Take care while I'm gone, Liv. I love you."
"I love you too."
He walked over to her side of the kitchen counter and kissed her tenderly before bidding her goodbye.
Three days to think about everything. It felt like there was too much on the line, but as she tucked Noah into bed and mulled over their exchange, she was relieved. Perhaps some distance between her and Ed - both physical and emotional - would make a difference.
Three days more. The true test was what would happen when Ed got back from Albany.
Olivia hadn't ventured into Central Park for weeks, which was rare for an Upper West Side dweller like herself. The complexities of her love life had completely taken away any bandwidth she had left for recreation and leisure, but after seeing the beautiful weather outside and hearing Noah's excited squeals, she couldn't resist making a trip, and called Amanda, who happily joined her with Billie and Frannie in tow. They perched on one of rocks by the Heckscher Playground and watched as Noah excitedly frolicked with Frannie.
Amanda took a swig from her flask of iced coffee and couldn't help but notice the distant, absent-minded look on her lieutenant's face, so out-of-place and incongruous with the joyous energy of the playground around them. "Penny for your thoughts, Liv?"
Olivia sat up when she heard Amanda's voice. "Sorry. Got a lot on my mind." Ed. IAB. Rafael. Where even could she begin? Was it something she even wanted to share with Amanda?
"Is it anything you want to talk about?"
It wasn't like Amanda Rollins to leave people alone, and her Southern nosiness - despite her rejection of almost everything Southern - often got the better of her. Olivia's eyes shifted from the blonde to check on Noah, who was still excitedly playing with Frannie a few yards away. Something about his innocent, carefree manner stirred something in her: how she wished she didn't have so much weighing on her mind. And it made her want to finally, finally confide in someone about what was going on, or at least some of it, to the willing listener she had beside her.
Amanda interjected gently before Olivia could respond. "Are you and Tucker doing alright?"
Spot-on. Amanda made such a good detective for that reason. Olivia didn't miss how she referred to him as "Tucker" instead of "Ed" - she wasn't expecting any more, especially after the debacle with Kim and the insurance policy. And she wasn't surprised that Amanda had noticed the recent shift in Ed's behaviour: from visiting her at the precinct almost every single day to not visiting at all (the one thing Ed did right to fix their relationship, Olivia could acknowledge).
"Honestly, we aren't doing so well. It's complicated," Olivia sighed. "Things have been rough for over a month now."
"What happened?"
"Things got bad after the sex trafficking investigation, and it's been downhill from there. I had to stop him from coming by the precinct every single day. It feels like we can't catch a break," Olivia explained, making sure to keep her explanation as vague as possible for the time being. Not that she didn't trust Amanda, but she wasn't about to go around telling people that she'd cheated on her partner with someone in their work circle.
"Ah. Sonny and I noticed that he wasn't coming by anymore," Amanda pointed out, although she was careful to keep her tone neutral and matter-of-fact. She wasn't about to rub salt in Olivia's wound with her personal dislike of Ed Tucker. "But you guys are working through things, right?"
"We're trying. Ed's gone to Albany for that policing conference, so we've decided to take a break for a few days to let things simmer down."
"Albany? I didn't realise IAB was invited to the conference too?"
Oh. Olivia's face fell when she realised that Amanda hadn't heard the news. "Ed's actually just left IAB," she clarified. "He's going up there to meet with other captains and chiefs to explore his options for his next posting."
Amanda barely concealed her surprise. "Wow. Tucker's left IAB? That's… big news. I definitely never saw that coming."
Knowing that other people were just as shocked as she was that Ed had left IAB didn't make her feel much better; in fact, it simply confirmed her feeling that his decision to leave his career behind made little to no sense. So strongly had he cemented his role as the official SVU villain that even Amanda was shocked to hear of his departure. "I didn't see it coming either."
Olivia's uncomfortable expression and stilted response weren't easy to miss. "How do you feel about it, Liv?"
"Honestly?" Olivia sighed deeply. "I'm not sure I like the idea. He told me that he left his job for me, and whether or not I was the only reason he did that, I never asked him to do that for me," she explained, her tone growing increasingly heated and annoyed.
"How did things get so bad anyway, that he felt like he had to leave his job? It's a pretty drastic step, especially for him…"
Olivia knew precisely how things had gotten this bad, but paused to contemplate her response before she opened her mouth again. The only people who were fully in the know about everything were herself and Dr. Lindstrom - did she want to let Amanda in on her secrets? Her heart thumped loudly in her chest; her cheeks felt flushed.
Embarrassment. Olivia realised that she was embarrassed of everything she'd done; this limbo she was in with both Rafael and Ed. That she was struggling to have a decent conversation with the man she loved while also struggling with her maybe-feelings for a friend she thought she loved too. The problems just didn't stop coming.
Thankfully, Amanda instantly picked up on Olivia's discomfort and decided to gently steer the conversation away from IAB and the skeletons in her closet. "You don't have to tell me anything you're not comfortable with, Liv. But I hope you manage to sort things out soon. Are you two still planning to go to Paris?"
Paris. Visions of a sickeningly sweet stroll along the Champs-Elysees popped into her head, and she had to stop herself from grimacing. "We're planning to sort that out when he gets back from Albany. I don't know… would you go?" She turned to Amanda expectantly, silently praying for some clarity on the situation.
Amanda took another sip of her coffee and pondered over the question for a few seconds. "I don't know what exactly happened between you and Tucker… but if some time away from New York and work is going to help things, maybe you should take the trip. And it's not like you have to be joined at the hip when you get there, anyway. Take an afternoon off, bring Noah to see something nice. You're allowed to enjoy yourself."
That was a good point. The travel agent hadn't signed them up for any packages or tours, and a "romantic" vacation didn't necessarily mean that she and Ed had to walk hand-in-hand all day long. And she would have Noah with her - a point she'd often forgotten about when thinking about the trip, much to her chagrin, because she was so consumed by her own problems with Ed.
"Anyway, you have three days to think about it. But in the meantime… how does lunch sound?" Amanda offered. "I know a great kid and dog-friendly place."
Olivia looked up and scanned the playground for Noah, who was excitedly clambering over a rock formation while Frannie sprinted in circles around him. "Come on Noah, let's get lunch with Billie and Aunt Amanda!"
Noah turned in the direction of her voice and sprinted right into her arms, which made her heart swell. Here was one (little) man in her life whom she knew wouldn't run away from her while she was in the thick of this, and she excitedly lifted him up, not caring that he was getting too heavy for her to carry comfortably.
"You going to be okay?" Amanda whispered as the group strolled out of the park and towards their waiting Uber.
"I think so," Olivia whispered back as she gripped Noah's hand. "We'll see what happens."
"Our monthly catch-up two months in a row? This is unusual." Rita took a sip of her lavender latte and glanced across the table at her visibly troubled friend. "What's on your mind?"
Rita had a point. Rafael and her supposedly monthly catch-ups usually ended up being bimonthly or even once a quarter due to their hectic schedules, but she'd heard the sadness and uncertainty in his tone over the phone and realised that Rafael probably had something he wanted - no, needed - to talk about. And so they found themselves sitting on a Greenwich Village sidewalk, far enough from both of their offices that they wouldn't run into anyone they knew.
"Honestly, a lot is going on and I don't really know where to start," he sighed.
She leaned in concernedly. "First question, as always - is this work-related or personal?"
"I'd like to think it's personal, but it bleeds so much into work that I can't tell anymore." His coffee suddenly tasted sour in his mouth, and the croissant he'd ordered didn't look as appetising as it did when he picked it out of the display case.
"I'm all ears, Raf." It helped that she was having a day off and hence dressed casually, which reminded him more of the confidante he'd had at Harvard and not her fierce courtroom persona, which still unnerved him slightly even though he'd never admit it to her. He needed Rita the friend, not Rita the lawyer.
Rafael scanned their surroundings for anyone they knew, and even though all they could see were NYU students, he dipped his voice to a hushed whisper. "Actually… I was hoping to ask you something, Rita."
Rita eyed him suspiciously, but nodded her consent.
"What can you tell me about Ed Tucker?"
Her eyes shot open and Rafael instantly sensed that she had a lot to share. "Ed Tucker?"
That was a name she hadn't heard in a while. Sure, he was a big shot in the NYPD and she'd even represented Olivia Benson in the aftermath of the William Lewis saga when Tucker and his IAB team went after her for "police brutality" bullshit (only after Rafael had begged her to), but he remained a sensitive topic for Rita. There wasn't a single person in her social circles who didn't know that she and Ed had previously dated when she was a prosecutor, even though she had always been notoriously tight-lipped about the details of said relationship and break-up. "What does this have to do with anything?" she enquired.
"Please just tell me, Rita. You know I'm not going to divulge any details to anyone. Especially the people we know," he asked imploringly. "You never told me about your involvement with him back in the day."
Rita instantly detected the desperation in his tone - a desperation he never revealed, not even when he was facing a mammoth obstacle in a trial - and guessed that this wasn't a work-related query. He didn't need dirt on Ed Tucker's professional history; she was sure that he knew enough about that, since he worked with SVU, which was also popularly known as IAB's favourite target. But what personal business did he have with Ed Tucker, especially after the Catholic Church investigation had closed?
Olivia Benson. Of course.
This definitely had to do with Olivia Benson. Rafael had always taken a special interest in the brunette detective. And now he was asking about her boyfriend? Something was on his mind.
"Is this really about Olivia, Raf?" she asked with an eyebrow raised, although she could tell by the guilt that washed over this face the instant she brought up Olivia's name that the answer was a resounding yes. "Look, I know you two are friends." Or something more, she completed in her head, but she didn't bring it up out of fear of embarrassing him.
Rafael begrudgingly nodded. What else did he expect? He'd known Rita for over twenty years. If there was one person who could see through him, it was her.
"You've never been the gossipy type. You're not planning to use this information against Ed or Olivia, are you?" she pressed.
"No, of course not. I'm just… curious."
Rita clearly wasn't very satisfied with his explanation, but she trusted him enough to be safe in the knowledge that Rafael wouldn't run around spreading information. The desperate tone, the fact that he'd specially convened this very meeting - he'd clearly been working up the nerve to ask for a while, and she wasn't about to leave one of her oldest friends hanging.
"You've probably heard by now that Ed's turned in his papers?" she mentioned casually. Surely he knew about that - the NYPD gossip circles were small and tight. What she didn't expect, however, was the look of genuine astonishment on her friend's face.
"Wait. What?" Rafael couldn't hide his genuine shock. Ed Tucker's left IAB? He must've been transported to a parallel universe, because Ed Tucker leaving IAB was like Olivia Benson leaving SVU - it felt like an integral part of his identity in the NYPD.
"I thought everyone's heard about that by now. Even Idid, and I left the DA's office 5 years ago. But that's not all - rumours are flying that Ed left IAB because of Olivia," she stated, voice deliberately lingering on the last word. "It's just a rumour, of course, but word on the street's that he decided to leave because Olivia wasn't comfortable with his job."
"How did people even arrive at that conclusion?" Rafael was still getting over the shock of learning that Ed Tucker had quit IAB, but hearing Olivia's name come into the picture made him extremely uncomfortable. The last thing he wanted was for her to come across as some sort of career-wrecker or controlling girlfriend, which he knew perfectly well wasn't true, but still - people who didn't know Olivia personally were bound to speculate, especially given how implausible it seemed for Ed to quit in the first place.
Or had Olivia really told Ed to quit his job? Were they in the midst of rebuilding their relationship, with this being one of the steps they were taking? And where did that leave Rafael? He had a distinct feeling that Olivia hadn't told Ed about their kisses in the hotel room or canoodling over Dirty Dancing in his apartment, and couldn't help the wave of anxiety that shot up and down his spine.
Rita tapped her fingers against the handle of her coffee cup and knitted her eyebrows. "I don't know - shouldn't you be the one in the know? I only know that this is very recent news. Overheard it about a week ago, or maybe less. Aren't you and Olivia close? Or is she still mad at you for investigating Ed? I'm surprised that you didn't know a thing."
"I only know that Liv and Tucker have been having… some problems lately. I didn't know he'd quit his job," Rafael stuttered. And I'm part of these problems they're having, he thought.
Should I tell Rita?
His mind flashed back to his and Rita's previous catch-up at Forlini's, when he'd hesitated to tell her the truth about what'd happened between him and Olivia. A month on and it felt like things were even worse now. Something clearly was brewing between him and Olivia, but they were clearly also stuck in limbo. Olivia was still with Ed. He clearly was the third party in whatever this was. There was the sex; the kisses. But the movie? Their pasta dinner? Was that cheating? Emotional cheating? Rafael fought his overwhelming urge to put a label on this clusterfuck of a situation. He could barely wrap his head around it as it was.
Am I okay with this? Rafael wordlessly nibbled on his croissant. Feeling guilty for being close to Olivia, at least until she and Ed broke it off? Knowing that his feelings for her would probably never materialise? Even if she did break it off with Ed, there was far too much emotional baggage attached to their relationship now. It'd never make for a healthy romantic relationship.
The already-serious mood was turning increasingly sombre by the second, and Rita didn't press him for more. So much of him was screaming that he would have Olivia Benson in any possible way because he loved her so damn much; another part of him urged him to run away now. Yet sense fled him whenever he saw Olivia - her smile, her brown eyes, her confident strut. He couldn't see her and not want to touch her; kiss her; take her in his arms.
She was distracting in every damn way possible, including in this very moment.
Rafael quickly washed down his unappetising croissant with another sip of coffee and turned his attention back to Rita, who was visibly antsier than she had been just a few minutes ago. Ed Tucker definitely was a sensitive subject, even after all this time, and as terrible as he felt for gossiping, her reaction only piqued his curiosity even more.
"If you don't mind me asking, what were things like between you and Tucker?" he asked softly, careful not to come off too strongly.
Rafael wondered if she was going to answer his question truthfully. She hadn't even shared much with him when she was dating the now-former IAB captain - surely something unpleasant had transpired between them when they were dating. What made him think that she would be willing to spill now?
But the situation at hand with Olivia felt wildly out-of-control, and any information on Ed Tucker - anything to make him feel better - would make him feel like he had a modicum of control over what was going on. The last time they'd even spoken about Ed, even briefly, was at Washington Square Park the day after she'd woken up in his bed, and he gazed at the imposing arch in the distance, mind wandering back to that conversation. They couldn't avoid talking about Ed forever. He just had to find a way to bring it up, and maybe Rita would have an answer.
Vulnerability - and was that hurt? - flashed through Rita's eyes. "It was a long time ago, Raf."
For a few seconds Rafael thought that it was all Rita had to say. It'd been years since he'd last seen her so fragile; at such a loss for words. Had things between her and Ed really been that bad? He suddenly wished he hadn't been so busy in Brooklyn during the break-up.
She shifted uncomfortably in her seat and fiddled with her manicured nails. "It was difficult between us from the start. Everything happened fast. I was so busy working multiple homicide cases, and we drifted apart… I really didn't have much time to spend with him, and he started getting incredibly possessive and overbearing. Sometimes he'd show up at my office in the middle of the day; other times he'd demand to know where I was after work. I don't think he liked that I was friends with Matt." She was referring to Matthew Berkeley, of course - her co-partner at her current firm, and Rafael and her friend since their Harvard Law days. "It felt like I was being backed into a corner and it was… difficult. And somehow I just let Ed take charge. That's why I didn't tell you what was going on," she added apologetically.
"God, I'm so sorry, Rita." Rafael didn't quite know what to feel. Guilt, for not supporting Rita when she was with Ed (not like Ed would want him to support her, anyway). Relief, that his friend was free of that - she was so independent and strong-willed that it was difficult for him to imagine her being pushed around by any man. Worry, that Olivia was going through the same with Ed - showing up at his girlfriend's office far too often and being possessive? It seemed awfully familiar. He realised he was gripping the handle of his coffee cup so tightly that it was trembling in his palm.
"It really didn't feel like me, that whole relationship. I even considered quitting my job for him because he made me feel so bad about being busy all the time. Me, quitting my job! Of course I'd never do that for anyone now, but back then it actually seemed plausible," Rita confessed with some embarrassment. "It was never going to last. The more he pushed me, the more I retreated from him. Shut him out. It made him furious."
"How did it end?" Rita looked close to cracking, but she sounded like she had a secret to divulge to him, and he wasn't going to deny her the chance to finish the story.
"Let's just say that…" She lowered her eyes and stared at her lap. "... there was a breach of trust, if you get what I mean."
Rafael blurted the first thing that came to his mind. "Oh my God - did you… you know… cheat on Ed?"
Horror crossed her face and Rafael instantly regretted his words. "No! Of course not! Why would you think that? You know me."
He quickly collected himself when he saw her hurt expression. Of course Rita would never do that! As conniving and cold as she could be in court, she was one of the most fiercely loyal and honest people he knew. This situation with Olivia definitely was messing with his head. "Of course. I'm sorry, Rita. I know you'd never do that."
She stared him down and spoke with grave seriousness, although her pained expression never once left her face. "Rafael, Ed Tucker cheated on me."
Oh. My. God.
Rafael's breath caught and all he could do was stare at his friend in wide-eyed shock, mouth agape. He didn't know yet what exactly this meant for him or Olivia, but one thing was for sure - this was huge. Ed Tucker, cheating on Rita Calhoun? That was the kind of gossip that could easily bring people down, especially in the circles they worked in.
Did Olivia know about this?
What would she do if she found out, assuming she didn't already know?
Why did Rafael even care anyway?
And maybe, just maybe, Rafael felt a little less guilty about coming between Olivia and Ed. Sure, Olivia was a cheater and that realisation made him sick, but so was Ed. And if she didn't already know, and she found out, maybe she and Ed would break it off and that'd leave her single and…
Stop it, Rafael!
This was nothing but a juvenile, deluded train of thought and he didn't want to go down that path. Focus on Rita. He stared at his coffee cup and then his friend, who continued talking after letting him catch his breath.
"You're one of probably five people who knows about this, and two of them are my parents," she admitted. "Ed came clean to me a few days after it happened, and it was over quickly. He had the gall to ask me to take him back, but I told him absolutely not. God, it feels good to get this off my chest."
Rafael was still incredulous. "I can't believe that happened to you. I really didn't expect that from Ed Tucker, of all people."
"Kind of ironic that he spends - I mean, spent - his career chasing dirty cops and ended up betraying me in such a personal way," Rita remarked with a dry laugh. "Look, I don't know if there's anything going on between Olivia and Ed or if what happened to me is related to whatever… problems they're having. I haven't talked to Ed in ages, even when I defended Olivia a couple of years ago. Maybe he's changed for the better. But all I know is what happened between us."
He cringed being reminded of that post-William Lewis investigation - how he'd called Rita at 11pm begging her to represent Olivia and refusing to hang up until she either agreed or recommended someone else who could. "God, I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have talked you into facing Ed Tucker."
"You didn't know. It's not on you. And I have to admit - it felt pretty damn good to stare him down at IAB. Things really looked up for me after I left him. Left the DA's office, started my own firm, and now…"
"You charge slimy low-lifes $1000 an hour," he completed with a smirk.
"I meant to say that I've never let anyone walk all over me like that again, and it feels great. But go ahead, make this all about my legal fees," she retorted.
He laughed, but then quickly steered their conversation back to the situation at hand. "I'm glad you got out of that, Rita. I never had a good feeling about that guy."
A concerned frown re-appeared on her face. "Can I ask you why you came to me looking for the scoop on Ed Tucker? Again, you've never been the gossipy type. And you mentioned Olivia and Ed the last time we met. Is there something you're not telling me?"
"I was just curious, Rita. Nothing more," he replied unconvincingly.
What the hell is keeping me from telling her? Rafael nervously fiddled with his suspenders. Was it really sensible to tell Rita that he'd been a third party when she'd been burned by a cheater? If she were petty enough, she'd probably rejoice that Ed got his just desserts by being cheated on himself, but he doubted that Rita would stoop to that level. And there was a reason she'd taken so long to admit what'd happened, even to one of her best friends. Scandals like this had a way of taking on a life of their own, especially when they were fresh, and even if he trusted her, perhaps it was best to wait until he was at least out of this before he told her.
God, how he wished they were back in Harvard, when their stupid, youthful mistakes didn't seem to have long-term consequences. He'd skipped a final to drive back to New York to see Yelina and barely passed the class. She'd faked a medical emergency to get out of a huge group presentation with a boy she'd just broken up with and almost gotten caught. Both times, and many more, they'd laughed about it after the fact while sitting on the floor of their resident lounge with a box of pizza or over ice cream at JP Licks. Now it felt like every step they took had a landmine hiding under it.
He'd tell her someday. But not today.
"I'm just saying - if all this is because you're concerned about Olivia for whatever reason, don't intervene on her behalf, please. She's going to hate that. I'm sure you already know that, but still… don't."
"I'm not going to do anything, Rita," he replied. When he'd come to her for the scoop on Ed, he certainly hadn't been expecting her to reveal something this controversial. But all this new information was bound to send his mind racing, and it was going to take some willpower for him not to spill what he'd just learned to Olivia. He couldn't possibly betray Rita's privacy, but why was a part of him screaming at himself to protect Olivia from Ed, in whatever twisted way he could? Rita was right - Olivia could take care of herself, and it wasn't his place to interfere again and make things worse than they already were.
Anyway, there was nothing he could actually do, right?
"Promise me you won't do anything stupid, Raf. I don't think I'd have the strength to defend you in court," she added with a weary smile.
Rafael nodded, not revealing to her that he'd already done something terribly stupid. At least it wasn't the kind of mistake that'd land him in court as the defendant.
"So… I've heard that Ed decided to leave IAB."
Rafael and Olivia were hunched over an array of case files and hastily-scribbled notes in his living room, hands clutching freshly-brewed cups of coffee. The DA's office had closed at the unreasonably early hour of 5pm for some essential repairs, and they weren't about to sit in his office in hot weather without any air-conditioning, especially when he'd refused to trade his three-piece suits for more season-appropriate wear. Hence, here they were, Chinese take-out consumed and in the thick of work.
But Rafael had much more than just work on his mind. After his conversation with Rita at the cafe from the day before, he'd spent a sleepless night mulling over what she'd told him. Did he want to talk to Olivia about it? Even if he didn't, it'd taken that conversation for him to realise that he had absolutely no clue about how Olivia was doing with Ed, and as begrudgingly as he accepted that it wasn't his place to ask, it pained him to know that there was an entire section of her personal life that they couldn't talk about as the friends they claimed they were. He'd been sneaking quiet, furtive glances at her as they studied their case files, wondering when to bite the bullet, and now he'd flung that door wide open.
Olivia had made herself comfortable on his couch, cross-legged and hugging one of his pillows, but the sudden remark and casual tone with which it'd slipped out jolted her. "How did you know?" she snapped back instinctively. She was sure that she hadn't told anyone in her squad other than Amanda, and especially not Rafael - the words "Ed" and "Tucker" were practically forbidden in their conversations.
"The NYPD leaks like a sieve, Liv," he pointed out, tone flat and neutral. "Is it true that he quit because of you?"
Olivia's heart raced. This was the first time in a long time that she and Rafael were talking about Ed, and he'd come out swinging. And people were gossiping about her and Ed now? "Why do you want to know?" The question, as genuine as it was, came out with far more aggression than she'd wanted, and she kept her gaze trained on the stack of papers on her lap.
"When I hear about my friend through the grapevine, I want to make sure she's okay," he retorted icily when he heard her antagonistic tone, although she clearly saw the concern in his eyes.
"I really don't think the two of us should be talking about Ed, Rafael." She knew it; he knew it too. But that didn't stop him from pushing the issue.
"Well, I heard about this from Rita Calhoun, of all people, and it's apparently common knowledge now. But if you're doing fine, I won't ask anything more." He put his hands up in mock surrender.
"Good, because we need to work," she retaliated.
"Fine by me." Rafael hid his hurt and turned back to the case files, while increasing the volume on the Easy 90s Spotify playlist that they had on in the background. In the absence of conversation, they both needed some white noise to detract from the awkwardness that had suddenly filled the room. The nauseatingly sweet stylings of Amy Grant's Baby Baby piped through the surround-sound speakers, and he instinctively hit the "next song" button on his phone - he couldn't stand listening to a love song, especially not after his discussion with Rita and the lure of the woman on the other side of his couch.
You're Still The One by Shania Twain. Usually it made perfect background music, but today was not the day for an evergreen love song. Next.
You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette. How this aggressive anthem was "easy 90s", he had no clue, but it made better background music than a saccharine love song… until Alanis wailed "are you thinking of me when you fuck her?" and his mind instantly drifted back to Rita again. The anthem of a jilted lover. Olivia didn't flinch - even if she did, she was hiding it well - and Rafael had to bite his tongue to resist the urge to ask her about Ed again. His big mouth was going to get him into massive trouble sometime, and he quickly advanced to the next song before this song took him any further down his destructive train of thought.
After a brief pause, the familiar opening bars of It Must've Been Love reverberated through the room. I can work with this, he thought gratefully, and moved his eyes back to his legal pad, until the chorus hit and he noticed Olivia shift uncomfortably in her seat, eyes glazed and distant. Clearly something about the song was bothering her, because she'd been completely fine before it started playing.
He abruptly paused the music, which filled the room with a tense silence once more, and instantly noticed Olivia trying her hardest (and failing) to keep her focus on the case files she was holding. "Liv. Are you okay?"
"Well..." she said tentatively, "I am not okay."
"Then talk to me," he replied imploringly, green eyes flooded with concern. "We're not going to get much done anyway, if there's something on your mind."
"It's nothing. Just that Ed really likes this song and hearing it reminded me of him," she explained in a half-whisper, while hugging a pillow to her chest once more.
Ed. The song had accidentally opened the floodgates. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked again, hoping she'd finally open up to him if it didn't start as a conversation about the gossip item of the week.
Olivia's eyes started to water and she looked like she really, really wanted to get something off her chest, but she hesitated. "Rafael… I wish I could, but I really don't think it's fair of me to talk to you, of all people, about the problems I'm having with Ed. I can't make you listen to that."
So she DOES want to talk to me about them. But she was holding back for his sake. "I can take it, Liv, I promise."
"You sure?" she asked skeptically.
"I'm sure," he replied confidently, although he definitely wasn't confident. His burning curiosity about Olivia and Ed didn't fully cancel out the twinges of jealousy he still felt whenever he thought about the now-former IAB captain. But it looked like Olivia needed a friend, and he was going to be that friend, regardless of his buried feelings - the pain in her voice made that clear as day.
"So… you know that Ed's quit his job," she remarked defeatedly. "And you're right. He said he left IAB because of me."
So the rumours are true. "What happened?"
"Things have been a mess since… the incident between the two of us." Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and tried not to stumble over her words. "Ed started getting really clingy and showing up at the precinct all the time and I just let him do that because I felt bad about what happened. And then he got possessive and tried to stop me from handling the Heredio threats…" Olivia continued to recount the events of the last few weeks, but Rafael struggled to pay attention, his mind zoning in on her choice of words.
Possessive. The exact same word Rita had used to describe Ed. It didn't feel like a coincidence.
I just let him do that. Rita also had "just let Ed take charge". Just what kind of spell did this (old) (man have over the two fiercely independent women he'd dated?
A wave of nausea rippled up Rafael's gut, but he didn't interrupt her. Thank goodness he'd asked Amanda and Sonny to take the lead on the BX9 threats, because he didn't want to imagine how Ed would react otherwise.
"Nothing feels right now. Either Ed is too possessive or trying too hard to over-compensate for all the tension. And then he quit his job without telling me anything, like it was some magic wand to make all our problems disappear. We were way past all our history and I know the job isn't what's the problem here. And he's expecting me to feel… grateful... for him leaving IAB now?" She angrily folded her arms and stared out the window at the passing traffic below. "I feel so damn suffocated."
Why not just leave him then? Rafael wanted to ask, but thankfully had the sense to stop himself. Thank God Olivia was the one doing the talking, because he knew he'd exacerbate the already tense situation if he let his big mouth take over. Nothing about Ed and Olivia's relationship sounded like it was going well. Was it the beginning of the end?
(Did that mean he stood a chance?) (No - I can't think that.)
"We've argued so many times in the last month, and then had another big fight about him leaving IAB, and we're supposed to talk about it again after he gets back from Albany tomorrow night. He booked us a trip to Paris and we're leaving in less than two weeks and I don't even know if that's still happening…"
Fuck, he cursed under his breath as Olivia continued. The parallels between this conversation and the one he'd had with Rita were uncanny, except that Rita was recounting events from over five years ago and Olivia seemed to be relating a disaster in progress. Ed's controlling behaviour was shaping up to be a pattern. But did Rafael want to be the one to tell Olivia that?
"And I feel like I can't even complain about anything he's done for me because I messed up first. Ed's the most honest person I know and I let him down in the worst way. I know the fact that I cheated disgusts him even though he tries to hide it from me. I don't know what's gotten into him, and I don't know what to do about it."
Rafael had his answer. Yup, she definitely doesn't know about Ed and Rita.
Olivia paused to take a sip of her coffee and dab her eyes with the corner of her blouse sleeve, while Rafael stared awkwardly at his lap and contemplated his next move. How badly he wanted to take a deep breath and spill everything: to tell Olivia that she wasn't alone; that Ed was a controlling monster; that he'd cheated on Rita and wasn't the "honest" man she thought he was. To tell her to run far, far away from him and his chains. To tell her that she could afford to beat herself up just a little less, because Ed was just as much a cheater as she was. Ed's volatility and bizarre behaviour had a perfect explanation now: a combination of guilt, rage, and penance from his own betrayal of Rita.
The look of guilt on Olivia's face and her glistening eyes almost undid Rafael completely. She clearly was blaming herself for the mess that she and Ed were in, but he couldn't get himself together to make the situation better. How did the very presence of Olivia Benson turn Rafael into an emotional mess every damn time? He couldn't see things clearly anymore, and that made for a dangerous prospect.
But heck, no, he couldn't betray Rita's trust in him like that. It'd taken five years for her to open up to him about it, and he couldn't let her down. She certainly expected more from Rafael than him blurting out a huge secret within two days of hearing it.
Keep your mouth shut, Barba. Not because he wanted to, but because he had to, even if it pained him.
Olivia must've finally noticed that Rafael hadn't said anything in a long time, because she had put her coffee cup back on the table and was looking at him expectantly. Talk to me. Tell me this is going to be okay. She wanted his comfort; his arms around her - her eyes were begging him for it. But he couldn't bring himself to move across the couch and do precisely that, as easy as it seemed. He couldn't see this - see Olivia - through clear eyes. He couldn't give in to his emotions, his desire, this easily. And so he stayed rooted to his seat and watched her unravel further.
"I messed up so, so bad, Rafa. I don't know if Ed and I can make things work now," she choked, tears finally streaming down her face. "Why can't I fix things? Why can't I make things right again?"
Ah, fuck.
He couldn't just sit there awkwardly and watch as she leaked tears all over his couch. He wanted to be the friend she needed right now. If only the line between friendship and something more wasn't so damn hazy, because that was the only thing keeping him from scooping her into his arms.
Rafael's nagging conscience went into overdrive as he got up from his seat and slid next to Olivia, effortlessly taking her into his arms. "If there's anyone who can fix things, it's you, Liv." The feeling of his skin against hers seemed to calm her down instantly, and her pained sobs immediately slowed to quiet whimpers.
God, he hated how much he was enjoying this. He hated himself for letting himself get so close to Olivia again - for suggesting they work at his place, for going to Rita for dirt on Ed, for feeling like he had some twisted sense of responsibility for "saving" Olivia from Ed despite knowing it was completely and utterly wrong of him to think it was his job. And he couldn't just recoil, back away, and turn his back on her now - he was in too deep.
"I want to feel in control of my life again," she whispered into his chest. "This feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from." Now she was even closer to him than before, and Rafael had to resist the urge to run his hand through her hair. That felt like something only lovers did, and he'd already encroached into Ed Tucker's responsibilities more times than he could count. Instead, he rested his fingers on her arms, rubbing her skin comfortingly as she cried the last of her tears.
"Thank you for listening," she mouthed, although she made no move to free herself from his embrace.
"Always, Liv." Her forehead was a hair's breadth from his lips - did he want to kiss it? His heart screamed at him to just fucking do it; his head countered with a reprise of his inner monologue from earlier. Olivia had a way of reducing him to his most vulnerable, emotional self - the version of Rafael Barba who didn't think things through. The endless duelling made his head spin.
Ah, fuck it.
Olivia was already in his arms and no amount of lying to himself would convince him that he wasn't enjoying this. It was as though nothing would let him forget that his feelings for Olivia Benson were still blazing, Ed Tucker and the recent drama be damned. Rafael tightened his grip on Olivia and brought a hand to her cheek to wipe away the rest of her tears, the other still absent-mindedly rubbing circles on her shoulder. "Trust your instincts, Liv. I trust them. You should too," he assured her.
"I just want everything to be okay again." Whether or not her version of "okay" had Rafael in it, he almost didn't care anymore - all he wanted to do was live in the present and burn this moment into his memory while he could still hold her.
He put his hands on her shoulders and looked directly into her eyes, voice resolute and confident. "You're going to fix this, Liv. You're going to have that talk with Ed, and you're going to get through this." He decided not to entertain the potential outcomes of that talk with Ed, especially since the outcome that she wanted would most certainly break Rafael's heart.
She smiled appreciatively and the return of the light in her eyes sent his heart rate accelerating. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
Rafael had no clue if he'd made the right calls. His curiosity about Olivia's relationship with Ed had been satisfied, but that still left him with the profoundly unsettling knowledge that Ed Tucker had screwed over and also was probably in the midst of screwing over two of his closest friends. He was starting to get too involved in this for his own good, and this wasn't anything like him, he realised with a sinking feeling. Nothing about the conversation he'd had with Rita brought him any comfort or assurance. What good was this dirt on Ed Tucker when he couldn't bring himself to share it with Olivia? He couldn't even blame anyone else but himself for opening that can of worms.
But he continued to embrace Olivia, focussing on the way her chest rose and fell against his, and the feeling of her silk blouse between his fingers. He rationalised this embrace as yet another tender moment between friends who needed to support each other. Rafael kissed the top of the head, rationalising that he'd grown up around adults who saw that as a perfectly platonic display of affection, although he knew deep down that it meant something more.
Everything with Olivia Benson - every touch, every caress, every fleeting look - would always mean something more.
He was going to have to start accepting that, because there was only so much rationalising he could do.
"Anything interesting happen at the conference?" Olivia handed Ed his cup of coffee and took a seat beside him on the park bench - coincidentally, the same one they'd been sitting on when he'd first brought up the idea of going to Paris, after Mike Dodds' funeral.
"The actual conference was pretty dull, but I did talk to many people. I think I'll give Hostage Negotiation a shot. There's an opening there, and I do have some experience under my belt now."
Olivia smiled wistfully remembering Ed's commanding presence outside the King residence during the incident at the townhouse a few months back. When Joe Utley demanded she call someone high-ranking, she didn't know what'd possessed her to call Ed, instead of someone like William Dodds or even Steven Harris, who out-ranked Ed. But she realised the instant she heard his voice over the phone that she'd chosen exactly the right person for the job. ESU experience and hostage refresher course aside, Ed Tucker just had a way of taking control of a situation - exactly what she needed that day. Someone steady; someone rock-solid. That was the Ed she'd fallen in love with and wanted back.
Perhaps his new position would be for the best, after all. She'd come to the park to meet him, still feeling unsure about the decision she'd made, but this revelation injected some hope in her chest.
"You saved my life that day, Ed," she said sincerely. "You'll be great in Hostage Negotiation."
"No, you saved yourself, Liv. You created the perfect opening for us to take Utley down." Ed's proud smile put her at ease, and she instinctively reached out to grab his hand, which he accepted gratefully.
"Is the posting confirmed yet?"
"We'll sort it out over the next few weeks, but for now, it seems like it'll work out as long as I'm interested," he beamed.
"So… that means you have nothing on in the next few weeks?"
"No, probably not." Realisation washed over his face when he realised that the elephant in the room was taking place in the next few weeks. "I guess we need to talk about that now," he added, a look of worry crossing over his face.
"So…" she started, although her voice quickly trailed off, and she looked to Ed for guidance.
"So…" he continued, his tone equally unassertive.
Olivia took a giant sip of her coffee, not caring that it was burning her tongue.
Trust your instincts, Liv. I trust them. You should too.
Rafael had said it to her: she fixed things. And she was going to fix this. "It really feels like we're at the end of our rope, Ed," she said sadly. "The more we try to make this work… the more it feels like we're stuck."
"I know how you're feeling." He paused and stared at his lap, but then took his phone out of his pocket. "If that's what you want, I'll call the travel agency and ask them to cancel the trip today. Maybe we can get some of our money…"
"I didn't say that we should cancel our trip," she interrupted, to which relief immediately flooded his eyes. "Look, we wanted this to be a nice getaway - maybe that's what we'll need to find each other again..."
"I sense a 'but' coming," Ed interjected nervously.
"... but if we come back from Paris and things aren't better, I think we'll either have to do something far more drastic, or break this off," she finished, voice trembling. The possibility of them breaking it off - this time for real - still shook her to the core even after days of mulling over the topic.
"So, Paris is our last shot, basically?" Ed clarified, although he noticeably hesitated on "last shot", which unnerved her slightly. It sounded more like a death sentence than a couple trying to work things out, and that was the last thing she wanted.
"If that's what you want, Ed," she added cautiously. "I want to know what you think is best too."
He nodded slowly and exhaled. "I'm with you. It's also what I was thinking when I was away. Maybe a change of scenery will help us. And I had a think about therapy…"
"And?" She was surprised that he'd even brought it up.
"I still don't feel so comfortable going to therapy with you, but maybe as a start, I could go alone?"
That wasn't quite the outcome Olivia was hoping for, but it was better than nothing, especially for a man who often kept his emotions cloistered. "Okay. That's a great start."
"I'll make an appointment for when we get back from Paris."
Olivia squeezed his hand and smiled into her coffee - it certainly felt like they'd made some progress after their 3-day break. It bode well for Paris; it bode well for them. "Everything in order for our trip?" she asked.
"Yup. I've got it all covered," he beamed.
Half an hour of idle small-talk about the conference later, Ed watched Olivia stroll down the length of the park in the direction of the precinct, his heart unexpectedly full from a combination of their conversation and the realisation that they'd be going to Paris after all. He fished his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his email inbox for the most recent email he'd received from Delta. A few clicks later, he smiled seeing a new notification appear on his screen.
You have successfully selected seats on your OUTBOUND flight (JFK to CDG) for the following passengers: TUCKER, Edward James; BENSON, Olivia Margaret; BENSON, Noah Porter. Thank you for flying with us!
With that, everything was in order for their trip: a trip that he honestly didn't think was possible. He couldn't resist breaking into a grateful smile as he walked toward his parked car. Paris - a place he'd wanted to bring Rita Calhoun so badly, until that relationship went up in flames.
A relationship that went up in flames because of him.
Thank goodness Olivia had backed down on the couples' therapy idea, because he couldn't risk this surfacing. The hazy night of debauchery, waking up in his bed next to a body that wasn't Rita's, the tears that'd streamed down her face and screams of betrayal the day he'd come clean to her - the memories made him sick to his stomach. He didn't want the same thing for him and Olivia. He couldn't let that happen again.
Ed thanked his lucky stars that Olivia still didn't know about what'd happened between him and Rita, and he was going to make sure things stayed that way.