"Bluestone Lane, huh? Trendy choice," Olivia remarked as she slid into the seat opposite Rafael in the chic Nolita outlet of the cafe (which thankfully had air-conditioning on this too-hot day). "And is that tea you're drinking? I've been gone for two weeks and it's like you're a brand new person." She eyed the bright green liquid in his cup suspiciously. Rafael Barba and tea? They simply didn't get along.
"Matcha latte. Thought I'd try something new today." His eyes shifted nervously between his cup and the wall behind her.
Olivia frowned concernedly. This wasn't the warm, smiling Rafael Barba she'd last seen a fortnight ago, and his tense manner was unnerving her. "How are you doing?" she asked, hoping they'd settle back into things after exchanging pleasantries.
"I'm fine." Rafael fiddled with the rapidly-disintegrating paper straw that he'd been given - fuck these paper straws, he cursed quietly - and kept his eyes trained on the melting ice cubes, which were quickly turning his drink into a bland, watery slush. He didn't tell her that he'd been sitting here alone, stewing in his own sweat, for over half an hour, fretting about what to say to her. That his knees had shaken with fear when he noticed her approach from down the street.
Keep it together, Barba.
He couldn't crack in front of her - not this early in their conversation.
Olivia obviously wasn't satisfied with his response, but decided to (reluctantly) accept his explanation. "I bought something for you." She reached into her purse and pulled out a small envelope that she slid across the table, hoping it'd break the ice once and for all. "Thought I'd bring a piece of the Musee D'Orsay back to you."
He gingerly opened the envelope and couldn't resist a smile when he saw what she'd brought him - a set of Georges Seurat postcards. "I saw a few in your living room and thought you'd like a few more for your collection," she added.
"Thanks, Liv. They're lovely." God, she'd even remembered to buy him a gift. She had been thinking about him while she was in Paris. He didn't deserve this.
Don't get distracted. He needed to talk to her; get everything on his mind of the way. He'd already spent the last week ruminating over how he was going to play this - he couldn't falter now.
"How were things when I was away?" she asked with a concerned frown, knowing he'd probably get chatty if she turned the conversation to work. What's gotten into him today? Olivia recalled the hug he'd given her the night before she left for the airport; the soft smile on his face as he wished her goodbye. They'd not talked at all when she was away - surely he wasn't mad at her? Was he upset that she hadn't texted him? Or worse, was he upset about something she didn't have the slightest clue about? She had no idea where all this was coming from.
"You didn't miss much. Caught a couple of open-and-shut cases. Fin held the fort, no issues," he replied tersely, eyes still not meeting hers.
Againwith that withering, soul-crushing look from her. Of course she noticed instantly that he was far less chatty than usual. Of course she knew him best, especially after the events of the last few weeks.
And of course she was going to ask about it.
"Rafa, you're freaking me out a little. Is something wrong?"
"Liv, I'm fine," he replied a little too sharply, to which she was visibly taken aback. "I'm just tired."
"You sure?" she pressed, iced latte still completely untouched. What the hell had gotten into him? They'd always been more upfront with each other if something was bothering them, especially in the last few months - for him to shut her out now filled her heart with fear and dread.
"Really, I'm fine. Just… tell me about your trip," he added with a small smile, trying to smooth over the tension. He couldn't continue this discussion if they both got too worked up before they got anywhere.
Olivia frowned, but decided that it wasn't worth pressing him about this topic any further. Paris. Tell him about Paris. Tell him the big news.
"It was great, for the most part. The weather was really nice and Noah really enjoyed it, surprisingly. I probably ate more croissants in ten days than I have in the last two years," she smiled. "And it was nice to get out of New York. I needed that change of scenery."
That smile; the way her brown eyes sparkled in the afternoon sun - god, his heart was fluttering. Two weeks without seeing her and being able to drink in the sight of her again flooded his heart with longing. He shouldn't have treated her so coldly when she arrived...
"Honestly, I think I need to get myself to Europe more often. Now I get why you love it so much. The culture, the scenery… it was amazing. And the fact that Noah loved it made it extra special. I wish you could have seen his face when I took him around the museum. He loved it so much."
I wish I could have been there too, Rafael thought. Who hadn't dreamed of a romantic trip to Paris with someone special at least once in their life, especially for an art and history buff like him? He'd have given so much to be the one in the holiday photos with Liv and Noah, or pushing his stroller around the museum…
Stop it, Barba. This was precisely what he'd feared - that he'd see Olivia and all sense and logic would flee his mind immediately. No, he couldn't let himself get sentimental and carried away, especially not right now. This wasn't what he'd come here to talk about.
And no mention of Ed, he noticed instantly. Was she deliberately holding back? Was she going to keep him out of their business any longer? Did he even want to know what'd happened between them in Paris?
"That sounds lovely, Liv. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself," he said sincerely, unable to think of anything else. "You deserved that time away."
"Yeah, it really was," she beamed, although her joyful smile slowly morphed into a reflective, pensive expression that he couldn't quite put a finger on. "And I guess the time away really got me thinking - reflecting - about everything that's happened over the past few months, you know?"
Shit. Now this conversation was getting serious. Rafael's heart was already in his mouth, and they hadn't even gotten started. Did he want to interrupt her, stop this now, before she spilled the beans about her and Ed and they'd have to deal with that? Was he ready to have this conversation with her? Tell her everything he'd been stewing in for the last few weeks? Was he going to completely destroy their friendship?
He'd practically rehearsed this with Rita in her office that evening - why did he feel so damn nervous? These were his feelings; his emotions. Olivia was his friend: surely a friend would at least hear him out and try to understand all he was feeling. And surely she had to at least infer that he was feeling this way - they'd been dancing around this issue for weeks now. At least, he hoped she had.
Rita's deep voice continued to ring in his ears on loop. Tell her everything you just told me, Raf. Cards on the table. You're only going to destroy your relationship even more if you don't at least talk to her about it.
He had to find a way to tell her today. He'd lost too much sleep over this; let his pining for Olivia Benson take up too much of his energy. He just needed the right opportunity.
Rafael nodded, signalling for her to continue, and put his matcha latte aside to focus. Keep it cool. Hear her out. Breathe! He hoped his anxiety wasn't written all over his face.
Olivia took a slow sip from her cup and carefully contemplated her words, her tone cautious. "I realised that I was hanging onto things that seemed good for me. This whole situation with Ed… I thought it was good for me; that I needed to trust him and hang on and that everything would sort itself out eventually, you know?" She didn't wait for Rafael to respond before continuing. "But I realised… I can't do that anymore. Not when I know that I don't love him anymore. Not… with all this between us." She slowly shifted her gaze from her coffee to Rafael's green eyes.
"Especially with all this between us." He knew that soft, inviting look in her eyes. He knew exactly where he'd seen it before. (Right before they'd kissed in that hotel room. When they were watching that movie on his couch. Whenever they got too close for comfort.)
Here it comes. She's going to say it.
Olivia took a deep breath and steadied her shaking voice. The first person who wasn't Noah to know about it. "Ed and I… we're over. I ended things with him during our trip. Which means..." Her voice trailed off, half-expecting Rafael to complete that thought.
There it was. She'd told him. Rafael realised he was gripping the handles of his chair, trying to process the whirlwind of emotions in his head. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Olivia and Ed Tucker were over once and for all. Finished. Done.
God damn, he'd wanted this for so long now. It was what he wanted when he passed her in the precinct and his gaze met her brown eyes. It was all he longed for when Olivia had showed up at his hotel room door; when they were sitting side-by-side on his couch, arms and legs intertwined. It was all he desired when he'd woken up next to her in his bed that fateful morning; when he'd pressed his lips to hers for comfort.
God damn, he wanted Olivia Benson so badly, and here she was, just a few feet away, brown eyes imploring and tender, telling him that she wanted to be with him. He hadn't hallucinated the events of the last few months, or the looks they'd exchanged. She wanted him, just as much as he wanted her. She knew that he'd been waiting to hear this - her eyes said it all. And if he hadn't stopped himself, he knew his eyes would be screaming the exact same thing.
It was taking all his might not to jump out of his chair and kiss her this very moment - to taste the coffee on her lips, to feel her arms around his waist, to inhale the scent of her perfume. She was right within his reach...
Rafael leaned in ever-so-slightly, scrutinising the emotions that were coursing through her eyes - desire, longing, trepidation…
Hope. It was something he hadn't seen in her eyes for months, but right now, he felt it emanating from her oh-so-strongly. Olivia had texted him and met him here and told him about her trip for one reason - she was ready to take a leap of faith with him.
And now he was going to have to let her down.
"Liv, you have no idea how much all this means to me, but…" Rafael choked on his words, feeling his face turn bright red and breath getting increasingly fevered.
Oh my God, what the hell am I doing? He'd wanted this - wanted Olivia Benson for so damn long, and now that he was finally getting his chance, he was making the fucking idiotic move of turning her down.
"... but?" Olivia questioned, her face suddenly filled with concern. Shit, she thought. This hesitance, his tense manner - this wasn't what she'd been expecting.
"... I can't do this, Liv," he sputtered out, his voice barely audible over the cacophony of noise in the coffee shop and eyes threatening to water. "I can't do this."
Fuck. He'd prepared for this; rehearsed it in his mind over and over again in the week between his conversation with Rita and this meeting because he couldn't let his emotions get the better of him before he finished telling her everything that was on his mind. It was going to take much, much more than this for him to finally set the record straight with Olivia. Between his anxiety, her imploring tone, and the crushing guilt he felt from extinguishing the hope in her eyes, he was an absolute mess. He twirled his straw between his fingers, feeling it crumple into a damp, soggy pile - like his emotional state.
But he had to do this. He couldn't keep this up anymore - hiding their relationship from everyone else, being her shoulder to cry on behind Ed Tucker's back, being her boyfriend in everything but name. Rita was right: things were way past the point of them being fearful they were going to lose each other. He couldn't have parts of Olivia Benson and be her second choice any longer - a feeling that he knew he wouldn't be able to shake, even with Ed out of the picture.
Stand up for yourself. Tell her what you want. You can't sit around all day and let her call all the shots.
If he didn't say this to her right now and back away, this time for real, they were never going to be able to be friends again. The depth of emotion and feeling that had brought them this close together was going to be their undoing if he didn't do something about it.
Fear and guilt swirled in his mind and crushed him silently. Olivia stared at him wordlessly, eyes begging him to speak: Why are you saying no? Why can't you do this? God, how he wished he didn't have to tell her why, but he had to get everything off his chest before he exploded. Honesty, right? It was what he needed in a friendship?
Rafael downed the last of his matcha latte and steadied his shaking hands, trying fruitlessly to recall the last time he'd felt this paralysed. His throat felt parched, tongue knotted and heavy. The cheerful jazz music playing in the background mocked and taunted him as he struggled to find the words - and courage - he desperately needed. Heck, this was worse than even his most difficult days in court.
Just tell her, Barba.
"I can't do this, Liv. You have no idea how badly I want to, but…" he started shakily.
"Why can't you, then?" she demanded, impatience and frustration starting to creep into her tone. She's getting upset. Just like he'd expected.
He took another deep breath and tried in vain to slow his train of thought, which was now spiralling out of control. He'd opened this can of worms. It was now or never.
"What even are we, Liv? This limbo we've been in. All this… dishonesty, this sneaking around. If we're going to be together, I don't want things to be like this. I can't live knowing that I'm a part of your life only in secret," he choked out increasingly anxiously. "We can't work together like this, late nights on my couch and making out in hotel rooms and running around in secret. This has gotten too messy and I can't do this anymore, Liv. I came between you and Ed and when we got close again, everything went to absolute shit. One of us has to back away. I need to back away."
He didn't even know if that made sense, but the relief that washed over him as he said it confirmed that he had done the right thing, even if his eyes were starting to sting with tears and heart was screaming at him to drop this and kiss her right now.
Olivia grimaced and shifted uncomfortably in her seat as she attempted to process the freight train of emotion that Rafael had just sent her way. What had happened to the smiling Rafael who'd been so excited to see her again before she'd left for Paris? The one she'd laughed with over dinner and Dirty Dancing, who'd put his arms around her as she cried? The one she'd expected would be more excited by her return and the news she'd just told him?
This wasn't her reading him wrongly. He was fully aware that there was something special between them - something so special that they couldn't keep themselves (or their hands) away from each other. Yet he was walking away from her, even after Ed had left the picture? Olivia felt a wave of nausea shoot up her throat; her palms grew clammy staring into his sad, defeated eyes, the gravity of what he'd just said sinking in.
He'd meant every word. He was leaving. Turning his back on her.
Rafael struggled to get another word out of his mouth watching her face crumple. He hated seeing Olivia this upset, especially knowing that he was the one who'd caused it - but he couldn't let that derail this conversation.
I can't. I can't give in to her again.
He couldn't keep hanging onto her every emotion.
"I can't love you like this. I won't let myself be strung along any longer," he finally said after a long pause, unable to conceal the pain in his voice any longer. "Either I'm all in or I walk away right now, because I can't be your second choice."
Strung along? Second choice? Olivia was stunned. "You're saying that I strung you along?" she asked incredulously, feeling a defiant defensiveness creep into her belly. "We both feel the same way about each other, Rafael! And I'm here trying to make things work between us."
"That doesn't mean you haven't strung me along, Liv!" he fired back, red-hot anger now coursing through his veins. "If you truly wanted to be with me, you'd have broken up with Ed and stopped sneaking around behind his back a long time ago. All this time you've been playing the devoted girlfriend to Ed, but you come to me when things go wrong or you need a shoulder to cry on. You can't have both, Liv. And I can't be that person for you. I need more. I deserve more than being your back-up option."
"Then why is this still a problem, if Ed's gone? You won't be my back-up option. I want to make things work with you," she insisted quietly, eyes now watering with tears.
He sighed deeply and absent-mindedly fiddled with his cufflinks - anything to keep his hands from shaking. "Ed being gone doesn't fix things, Liv. This has been so incredibly messy from the beginning."
Olivia folded her arms indignantly. "I don't get why you're so hung up on this. Ed and I have broken up and I'm single now. There'll be no more dishonesty. I called you here today so we could talk about this - about finally doing something about all this, so we don't have to sneak around anymore. I thought that's what you wanted."
"So, you and Ed break up, and now the two of us can be together without a hitch?" he retorted sarcastically. "It's not as easy or simple as that. None of these problems will disappear overnight! This isn't any ordinary romantic relationship; all this started because we did one of the most dishonest things possible. And it seems like things are only getting more complicated. We're too deep in to look at this clearly now. And what are people going to say when they find out that I've started dating you so suspiciously close to your break-up with Ed?"
"Now you're accusing me of being naive?" Olivia demanded. "And since when do you care about what other people say about us?"
He ignored the second question for the time being and let his emotions take over in full force. "No, I'm saying that you've been incredibly selfish, Olivia," he replied angrily, noticing her wince hearing him use her full name. "We made a mistake when we slept together. But you kept betraying Ed while also claiming to work on your relationship. You treated me like I was the one you were dating when we both knew perfectly well that we could never go public with this. You can't have everything while you're hurting the both of us. You breaking up with Ed doesn't magically erase how much you've hurt me. It doesn't magically erase how selfish you've been," he spat out, voice venomous and acidic.
Selfish? How dare he say that to her. "I don't know where this is coming from, Rafael. You agreed to go out to dinner with me; you invited me back to your place to watch the movie. Heck, you let me into your hotel room when you were sheltering from the BX9 threats! You let me confide in you about Ed. You can't tell me that you're not complicit in this too," she snapped back defensively. "And now I'm the only one who's being selfish?"
"I never said that. You did some thinking while you were away? So did I. I know what we did was wrong and that's why we need to end things. Don't you see that this is the problem here? It's precisely because we're so deep in this shitty situation that we need to get this out of the way," he declared. "It doesn't matter that Ed's gone now. I can't live with myself for getting between you and Ed. I look at the two of us and all I see is… dishonesty. All I see are secrecy and lies and something that just isn't ever going to work if one of us doesn't back away right now." Now he wished he'd saved some of his latte, because he desperately needed a drink. "We need some boundaries. I need to back away from this. And… from you," he admitted sadly.
Olivia wiped her clammy palms against her blouse, voice trembling with trepidation. She couldn't even begin to take all of this in. "So, what does this mean for us?" Drawing boundaries? Backing away? She dreaded finding out what that would mean for them. Surely he wasn't thinking of transferring out of the Sex Crime Bureau or heck, going as far as leaving the Manhattan DA's office? She couldn't deal with this. Especially not now.
Rafael took a few seconds to calm down and steady his fevered breathing. God, how he hated himself for not thinking about this earlier. What on earth could either of them do? All the time he'd spent racking his brain over his feelings for Olivia, and yet he hadn't even thought of how they were going to handle this when she got back to work… if they ever got back to work.
"We both need to step away from this and get some space, Liv. We're never going to be friends again if we keep doing this. We have to keep our hands off each other, let things settle," he said sadly. "Our discussion at Washington Square Park, all over again… except this time, we need to do it right."
"So we just go back to work, keep our distance, and then what? We just let our feelings for each other die like that?" she retaliated, although the deep sadness in her tone had become apparent. Hopefully "work" is still in the picture. He averted eye contact, knowing he'd lose control even more if he looked into them. Thank God they were in a public setting, because being anywhere near a bed-like surface was bound to make things messy...
"I don't know, Liv. I really don't know," he admitted worriedly. "I just know that we can't keep doing this. I need to go."
Olivia felt like she was going to throw up. No, she couldn't have someone else walk away from her again. Elliot, Nick, Ed, and now Rafael too…
She'd really fucked up, hadn't she?
"I'm sorry, Liv. You know I love you… I always will, but I have to do this for us. For myself."
Rafael got out of his seat before waiting for her response, wanting so badly to slide over to her side of the table and place his arm around her now-trembling figure. How badly he wished he could be close to her; that he'd never opened his big mouth and had instead given her the kiss - the real kiss - that they'd both wanted for so long.
But he couldn't sit around and wait on her emotions and then let them dictate his behaviour. He had to break the spell that Olivia Benson had over him, once and for all. Especially if he wanted to ever work with her or be her friend again.
Even if that meant taking drastic measures to make sure they kept their distance.
He tossed his plastic cup and now-disintegrated straw into the bin, not turning back to look into Olivia's tear-filled eyes, his posture as self-assured and stride as confident as he could possibly muster under his circumstances.
He'd done it. He'd finally stood up for himself, because he had to.
But that didn't stop hot tears from welling up in his eyes as he trudged down the street and away from the cafe, realising he was still clutching the envelope containing the postcards she'd gotten him from Paris.
I talked to her, Rita.
Much to Rafael's surprise, her reply came almost immediately.
How did it go? Did you tell her everything that you told me that day?
I did. She wants a relationship, Rita. But I told her I couldn't go ahead with that. Especially not now.
How did she take it?
She was upset, but I think she understands.
So… what does that mean for the both of you now?
I don't know. Maybe I'll take a leave of absence from the DA's office.
Rafael eyed his calendar - a relatively light case load for the next month that he easily could transfer to another ADA. The idea had been bugging him ever since he'd talked to Rita that evening - clearly the problem at hand was that he and Olivia simply couldn't stay away from each other, and he didn't think it'd work out this time, especially after what had happened in the hotel after Mike's funeral. And if that meant he had to physically put some distance between him and Olivia, it was a sacrifice he would have to make.
Leave of absence? That's pretty drastic. I'm not so sure that's a good idea, Raf. You'll go crazy if you have nothing to do.
Blunt words, but Rafael realised with a sigh that Rita was right. A leave of absence sounded good in theory, but it'd probably take no longer than 3 days for him to dissolve into a melancholic slump. At the same time, the thought of strolling into the 16th Precinct and working like absolutely nothing had happened made him sick to his stomach. He couldn't face Olivia. Especially not now.
Two hours later, Rafael found himself staring at a visibly stunned Jack McCoy, unable to decide if he was surprised or horrified hearing his request.
"You want to take a leave of absence, Rafael? This is a surprise. The longest you've ever been gone is what, two weeks?" the DA asked incredulously.
"It's bad enough that you actually can remember, huh?" Rafael replied dryly. Jack wasn't wrong - he hadn't taken a break of more than a few days in what seemed like ages. "I guess the HR lectures on work-life balance finally made an impact."
"Is everything alright? Something happen at home? If you need some time, take as much as you need," McCoy added concernedly, remembering the week off he'd given the ADA after his grandmother's sudden passing a year ago. Knowing how close he'd been to his abuelita, McCoy was shocked to see Rafael in court after just three days, impeccably-dressed and razor-sharp as he typically was, like he'd returned from a vacation to the Bahamas and not the funeral of one of his closest relatives. It was as though "Rafael Barba" and "vacation" existed in completely separate universes.
"Thanks for your concern, Jack, but everything's fine at home. I'm just feeling… a little burned out and think it'd be good to step back from cases for a bit." He nervously laced his hands together. "Actually... I was wondering if there was anything I could do around here. In the office. Just for a change, you know? I think I might go crazy if I just stop work suddenly."
"I'm shocked that you're not jumping at the chance to go on vacation somewhere while the weather is still so nice." McCoy contemplated Rafael's request for a few seconds as he rifled through the stack of papers on his desk - he did have something that the ADA could do. "Well, if you insist on sticking around, you have good timing, because there's a lot going on here at the moment. You got anything against babysitting the last batch of summer interns?"
Rafael winced a little thinking about showing a group of chatty, probably over-qualified 20 year-olds around his office building, but that was far better than the prospect of walking into the 16th Precinct and having to face Olivia every single damn day.
"Actually… that doesn't sound too bad," he remarked. "I can do that," he added, slightly more confidently.
It pained him deeply, but he needed this distance. He needed to stay the hell away from Olivia until they both got their shit together. There wasn't any other choice - even if that meant he had to entertain over-enthusiastic college juniors. He could at least try to feel excited about it.
"Excellent! Because it seems like everyone who works in this damn building is trying to dodge this assignment. And I have a willing taker right here. Today is my lucky day."
Rafael did his best to force a smile at his boss. Summer interns (whom he'd deliberately avoided working with every single year) or Olivia. Never in a million years that he imagine that he would pick the former, but here he was.
"And since you're so enthusiastic - we're onboarding the new ADAs right after the interns leave. Keen? Briefings, orientation… basically the same stuff you went through when you first joined the DA's office. I guess you'll get about a month off from your cases in total."
Well, today is MY lucky day, Rafael thought. Time away from SVU but still having something to do to prevent his already-frantic trains of thought from derailing? God must've been looking out for him somehow, because the HR timeline had somehow been engineered to fit exactly into this period of nothingness and longing. At least eager interns and freshly-minted ADAs weren't nearly as distracting as one particular SVU lieutenant.
"Sounds great to me."
"Great. I'll let HR know to drop you an email later," McCoy nodded satisfactorily, although he leaned in and dipped his voice seconds after. "Are you sure you don't want to take some proper time off, Rafael? I don't want you actually burning out before the fall. If something's going on, I'd rather you go away for a few weeks."
"Jack, it's fine. Nothing big's happening. Just that I've had a pretty tough few months of cases and think some time away from the courtroom, and SVU…" he gulped, "... would be good."
Please don't ask me to elaborate on that, Rafael thought, as his eyes met McCoy's concerned gaze. He'd followed the Catholic Church scandal closely, of course, and there wasn't a person he knew who hadn't already heard about the Munson case and Felipe Heredio threats. He'd had one heck of a year. Hopefully that was enough of a reason for him needing a change of scenery.
"Alright then. Thanks for stepping up to help. I'm sure the interns and new ADAs would love to hear what you have to say. Hopefully they don't take any style tips from you," he teased, eyeing Rafael's bright purple tie and suspenders with a grin.
If this were three months ago, Rafael would probably feel much better about being an inspiration to the idealistic young people who were soon going to file through the doors of 1 Hogan Place, but right now he certainly felt like he fell short of that standard. He'd slept with a colleague. A colleague who happened to be in a committed relationship. And from the looks of it, they still had a long, long road of damage control ahead.
At least he had something else - something new - to occupy himself until they made their next move (if there was one).
He took the longest possible path back to his office, darting past the other offices and conference rooms and making furtive eye contact with people in the hallway. About half the people he knew by name or at least recognised on sight - the rest he simply had no clue about. Maybe this new assignment had come at the perfect time, when he could actually be in this building and remind himself that he worked for and at 1 Hogan Place, not the 16th Precinct.
He worked for Jack McCoy, not Olivia Benson, at the end of the day - he couldn't let her rule over him any longer. He'd become so accustomed to listening to Olivia's every word; to reading her subtle cues, letting him push her and her pushing him. Now was the time to put an end to that.
Clearly, the change of scenery she'd gotten in Paris had set things in motion for her. Maybe it was time he got one too.
As he settled back into his office chair - a chair he knew he'd been sitting in a lot more over the next few weeks - Rafael gritted his teeth, fought the nagging pain that was forming in the recesses of his belly and got to work.
"Nice to see you back. How was Paris?"
Olivia looked up from the pile of case files that were now strewn across her desk and cracked a small smile at the blonde detective standing in her doorway.
"Long time no see. It was great, thank you."
"We loved the pictures you sent us. Noah looked adorable in that little romper and beret. And don't worry, we and Fin got on perfectly fine while you were gone."
Thank God, Olivia muttered under her breath. Fine enough that she'd taken two extra days off before returning to the precinct. Noah had been feeling a little under the weather, likely from the exhaustion from the trip, which of course had unnerved Olivia, but secretly, she was grateful for the extra time she had at home to ruminate over that conversation she'd had with Rafael - a disastrous one, at that. It certainly hadn't gone the way she'd expected it to.
Damn it. First the break-up with Ed and now this. She had tears welling up in her eyes.
Amanda shut the door behind her and slid into the seat opposite Olivia, her eyes full of concern. "Liv, are you alright? What happened?"
Olivia chewed on her lower lip, unsure if she wanted to talk about it before they could get to Forlini's later that day or week, but couldn't stop herself from spilling the beans or the silent tears from falling. "Ed and I broke up while we were in Paris," she explained softly, voice shaking. God, it's real now. It wouldn't be long until the rest of the squad - and NYPD - found out about it. She was in so much shit.
"Gosh, I'm so sorry that things didn't work out. How are you doing?"
"Getting by, I guess," she muttered. "I feel horrible. It feels like all my fault that things couldn't work out."
There was no hiding from that truth. She'd kick-started the chain of events that had led to this very moment by cheating on Ed. She was responsible for it all, and she knew it. And now she had a brand-new situation with Rafael that she had no clue how to navigate.
"Come on, don't say that. I'm sure you gave it your best shot," Amanda said reassuringly. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"God, I don't even know where to start," Olivia groaned as she buried her face in her hands. Out of the corner of her eye she realised it was only 10 in the morning - 10am! - and already she was losing it at work. Now she wished she'd taken another sick day…
"Look, you don't have to talk about it now if it's too painful," Amanda assured her. "How about we get the kids over for a playdate later this week, and we can talk about it then?"
"Actually, that sounds great. Thanks." Olivia could live with that. At least she wouldn't fall apart at work knowing that she had someone to talk to about all of it at the end of the week. But even then, how much did she want to tell Amanda? Was it finally time for her to tell someone other than Dr. Lindstrom about what'd happened with Rafael? She was reaching her breaking point - it already was taking too much energy to keep herself from blurting it out to Amanda right now.
"Great, we can get that set up," she smiled. "And on another note… do you know anything about the email we got from Carmen?" Amanda added, voice dipping to a low whisper.
Olivia sat up in her seat. "Carmen, as in Barba's paralegal, Carmen?" She felt her pulse accelerate rapidly - if Carmen was the one sending the email, it probably meant business. Fuck, this didn't have anything to do with the conversation she'd had with Rafael that day, did it? She immediately opened her laptop and furiously refreshed her email inbox.
Subject: ADA Rafael Barba - Leave of Absence
Detectives,
This email is to officially inform you that ADA Rafael Barba will be taking a month-long leave of absence from his caseload as he coordinates the Manhattan DA Office's annual college summer internship programme and ADA onboarding programme...
Olivia's eyes lingered over the subject line and refused to leave. A leave of absence? This was too well-timed and uncharacteristic of him - since when was he interested in anything remotely close to HR or walking over-enthusiastic students around the office? She realised with a sinking heart that there really was only one probable explanation for his sudden disappearance: her.
A temporary ADA will take over Mr. Barba's current caseload until he returns from his leave of absence. Should you have any questions, please drop me an email.
Olivia cursed under her breath. First Rafael had basically abandoned them for the next month, and now they'd have to deal with a temporary ADA, which almost never ended well for them. Was this a troubling dip back into the time that SVU couldn't hold down an ADA for more than a few months at a time? A pit of dread formed in her stomach - she didn't think she had the emotional bandwidth to deal with yet another new face in the squadroom.
She was brought back to reality by Amanda, whom she realised was now standing over her shoulder and staring at the same email. "Carisi and I were just talking about how out-of-the-blue this is. Did we do something to piss Barba off? He didn't even tell us that he was going away. I was thinking that he'd have at least told you something."
Except that I'm the last person Rafael wants to talk to now, Olivia realised with a defeated sulk. God damn, she thought that her guilt was enough of a punishment for the mess that she'd gotten them into. Now the whole squad was being punished for it too, and for the umpteenth time that day, she felt the weight of her guilt silently crush her chest. This was Rafael's idea of distance, and she couldn't fight it because she'd been the one to do him wrong.
"I don't know what's going on with Barba. Maybe Jack McCoy roped him into this. I'll see if I can find out what's going on," she lied right through her teeth. "In the meantime, let's make sure everything is in order for the replacement ADA, whoever they are."
"Alright. I'll let Carisi and Fin know." Okay, something definitely happened while Liv was gone. How did Olivia not have even the slightest clue about this? She'd watched her lieutenant's face fall as she opened the email from Carmen, heard the evasiveness in her tone when she claimed not to know what had happened with Barba. As she closed the door behind her, Amanda made a mental note to get to the bottom of what was bothering her so much when they got dinner later that week.
Olivia watched Amanda walk back into the squadroom and turn to Sonny, whose disappointed frown made it very clear that he wasn't happy about Rafael's sudden leave of absence either. Frankly, she didn't blame the detective - Rafael was the best ADA that SVU had worked with in recent years, and as annoying as he could be about Carisi's interest in the law, the detective had come to respect him immensely. Most importantly, everyone felt close enough that it only seemed reasonable that they heard the news from Rafael himself instead of through Carmen. Nothing about this situation felt desirable.
And it was Olivia's fault for all of this.
She stared at the undrunk coffee that Fin had bought her earlier that morning and ruminated over the anguish in Rafael's voice in the coffee shop a couple of days ago.
I look at the two of us and all I see is dishonesty. All I see is secrecy and lies and something that just isn't ever going to work if one of us doesn't back away right now.
She recalled how his green eyes had flashed with a potent mix of anger, hurt, and betrayal; how venomous and pained his voice had been. He'd obviously been mulling over this for days while she was gone.
So, you and Ed break up, and now the two of us can be together without a hitch? It's not as easy or simple as that. None of these problems will disappear overnight!
What the hell had she been thinking, wanting to rush into a relationship with Rafael like that? He was right - everything that had happened between them had been steeped in so much dishonesty and secrecy that jumping into something new only seemed like a recipe for even more disaster. Fuck, they'd been impulsive - ignoring all the warning signs and nagging at their consciences to continue with this… liaison in secret. An emotional affair? Something more than just that? He'd diagnosed the problem perfectly - they were too deep in to see things clearly.
She couldn't see things clearly.
That doesn't mean you haven't strung me along, Liv!
God, she hated how right he was. She hated herself for stringing him along… knowing full well the whole time that she'd been doing just that. Of course it took two to tango, but she thought of the heated way she'd reacted to Rafael's outburst that afternoon and felt like an utter asshole.
She'd been completely unfair to Ed, and just as unfair to Rafael. How he'd put up with her for as long as he had, she didn't have a clue - to live with the crumbs from Ed and even let her cry on his shoulder.
No, I'm saying that you've been incredibly selfish, Olivia.
Those words stayed with her long after he'd left; they taunted her all throughout the day. She realised how badly she craved Rafael's respect and validation, as much as he craved hers, and now she'd completely shattered that with everything she'd done. She'd taken advantage of Rafael's kindness - and she realised, with a lump in her throat, his feelings for her as well - and realised too late that this simply couldn't continue this way.
She'd been selfish, so incredibly selfish. Rafael deserved far better than something born in secret.
She'd wanted so badly to have it all, but now both Ed and Rafael were gone and she knew that there was no one but herself to blame. Rafael loved her, she loved him - but they'd gone too far now, and she didn't know how they were going to recover from this.
It broke her heart, but they needed this distance if they couldn't keep their hands off each other.
Olivia wanted to run to 1 Hogan Place and find him right now and tell him that he was right and that she was an asshole, but she couldn't do that. He'dgone to the extent of applying for a leave of absence to stay away from her.
So she settled for a text message, hoping he'd at least know that she'd taken everything he'd said to heart.
Rafael, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for everything. You were right - I was stringing you along. I was unfair to you, and you have every right to be angry at me.
I hope we can talk when you return from your leave of absence. Take care of yourself.
She spent the rest of the day waiting for a reply that never came.
"Bill, it's so nice to see you. How are you holding up?" Ed reached out to give the Deputy Chief a reassuring pat on the shoulder. Why or how he was back at work less than a couple of months after losing his son, he didn't know, but he admired Bill's tenacity.
"Thanks, Ed. It's been rough, but it's nice to be back at work. Gives me something else to think about, you know?" Dodds gratefully accepted the Americano that Ed had ordered for him and made himself comfortable in the seat across from him. "What have you been up to the last few weeks?"
"Just taking some time off before my next chapter," Ed remarked as he sipped his latte. "And I just got back from Paris a few days ago."
Dodds was visibly surprised. "You went to Paris? How did I not know you were away? Wow, it must've been nice taking some time off."
"It was pretty nice. Beautiful, of course," Ed remarked, although the sting of the break-up continued to prick away at him. "It's nice to get out of New York once in a while. And Paris is surprisingly fun and kid-friendly - who would've guessed?"
Dodds furrowed his brows in confusion. "You went to Paris with Olivia and Noah?"
"Yeah, I did." Now to tell him that we also broke up in Paris...
"Wait. Hadn't you and Olivia broken up?" Dodds asked, in obvious shock, before Ed could get another word in.
Now it was Ed's turn to be confused. "How did you know? We broke up in Paris. Last day of our trip. I haven't told anyone. Did Liv say something?" God, if Olivia had already told people about their break-up...
"But I thought…" Dodds stared into his coffee and hesitated for a few seconds, obviously contemplating what to say. "I must've been mistaken, then. I thought you two had broken up over a month ago. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that. I thought you and Olivia were great together."
"Thanks, Bill," Ed replied off-handedly, although he couldn't help but linger on what Dodds had said before that. Why would he think that Olivia had broken up with him over a month ago? They'd been having issues, sure, but nothing close to "taking a break" from their relationship, and Olivia certainly wasn't the kind to discuss her love life in the office. Unless…
Fuck.
"Bill, fill me in - why did you think Liv and I had broken up a month ago? Is there something I need to know?" He eyed the deputy chief suspiciously as Dodds averted his gaze - there had to be something that Dodds knew that he didn't. They'd known each other too long to keep secrets like that.
"I'm not sure I should tell you, Ed. I don't want to rub salt into your wound while the break-up is still raw, and honestly, I can't even confirm what I saw…" Dodds sputtered nervously, his face now beet red.
Saw? Bill saw something? Ed felt his heart rate shoot up instantly; blood rush through his ears.
No, no, no.
He didn't want to believe it, but it was the first thing that popped into his head.
"Trust me, Bill, you can't punch me more than I've already punched myself." Just tell me, his eyes screamed.
Dodds sighed deeply and gave in. "You were in Albany for that policing conference, I think. I was out to dinner on the Upper East Side with Alice, and I…" Dodds paused to take a deep breath and sip of his coffee, worry and guilt written all over his face. "... I saw Olivia with Rafael Barba. Arms around each other, looking cosy. They entered what I think must have been his apartment building together and went up in the elevator. Which is why I thought you two had already broken up. I'm sorry, Ed," he said apologetically.
Rafael Barba. That bastard. The audacity of him!
"I'm sorry you had to find out this way," Dodds added guiltily when Ed didn't respond and only stared listlessly into his coffee. "I really thought… They've always been close, so I just assumed it'd turned into something more…"
"It's not on you, Bill. God, I didn't have a clue. When she broke up with me, I thought it was just because we'd run our course." Ed stirred his latte absent-mindedly and stared out the window listlessly as questions raced through his mind. Had Olivia lied to him? Had she been spending time with Rafael Barba while the two of them were arguing about every little thing in their relationship? Had she been fucking that bastard behind his back the whole time?
Thank goodness he and Bill weren't anywhere near 1 Hogan Place, because there would be very little stopping him from storming into the building in search of that bastard, like he'd almost done when he'd first found out about Olivia's one night stand with him - which was now looking like a lot more than just a one-night stand.
Maybe I should have given Rafael Barba a piece of my mind back then.
"Um… do you want to talk about this, or should we change the subject?" Dodds asked awkwardly, voice still tinged with guilt and cheeks tomato red with embarrassment. Ed stared out the window, doubt and anger flashing through this eyes.
All this being the realisation that he was going to view his break-up with Olivia in a completely new light from here on. That she'd been spending time with Rafael Barba despite promising to keep her distance from him. That all this had been happening right under his nose, while he tried so hard to repair their relationship like a damn idiot.
It made his blood boil.
"Talk to me about literally anything else, please." Anything before he lost his temper in the middle of this coffee shop, or worse, made a beeline for 1 Hogan Place right this instant.
"Well, then." Dodds cleared his throat awkwardly. "I thought we could talk about your next chapter. Heard you were interested in moving to HNT."
Relieved for the distraction, Ed "Yeah, I talked to them. I was going to officially put my papers in after getting back from Paris, but I haven't gotten down to doing that yet."
"Are you firm on that, or will you consider other options?"
"Honestly, I don't know. I thought HNT would be a good fit because of what happened during the incident at the townhouse last year, but…"
"Olivia. Of course." Dodds remembered the townhouse incident (and all the paperwork it created) like it was yesterday. No one had doubted Ed's calm decisiveness, but Dodds didn't blame his friend for wanting to stay far away from anything that reminded him of his now-former flame. "Well, I actually heard of a great new opportunity that seems like an excellent fit for you and wanted to talk to you about it - maybe you can give it some thought before you get your transfer papers in."
This had to be fated. Maybe something new - something he hadn't previously considered - was what he needed to make a truly fresh start. "Tell me more."
"The Conviction Integrity Unit's looking for a new investigator, and with your experience in IAB, I thought you'd be a good fit for the position. You'll be looking at past cases and convictions, particularly in cases where we think a wrongful conviction has been made. It's the kind of detail-oriented work you're used to, and with your interview experience and skills, I couldn't help but think of you when I saw the open posting. I know it isn't quite as exciting as HNT, but…"
Ed's eyes shot open - this certainly sounded like something he'd be interested in. Not too far from his old job, but new and exciting enough that it'd keep his mind off Olivia. "No, that actually sounds like something I'll enjoy. I'll definitely have to give that some thought."
"I've emailed you the link to the posting. Have a look."
Ed pulled his phone out of his pocket and sure enough, he had a new email from Bill.
Manhattan District Attorney's Office - Conviction Integrity Unit.
He quickly scanned the job description, but couldn't get that email header out of his mind.
It dawned upon him seconds later. Manhattan District Attorney's Office. The Conviction Integrity Unit was based out of the DA's office. 1 Hogan Place - it was right there in the footer of the email.
Which meant that he'd be sharing an office building with one particular Cuban-American ADA. An ADA that he now had his eye on for all the wrong reasons.
Suddenly, his desire to run far away from both Olivia and Barba was extinguished and replaced with a red-hot, vindictive anger. Rubbing shoulders with Barba in the hallway. Investigating his previous cases. Maybe even close enough to find out the truth about what'd happened between him and Olivia behind his back.
Sure, he'd literally only just seen the job posting, but with timing like this, it was like God was speaking directly to him. He sat up in his seat and confidently looked William Dodds in the eye.
"You know what? I'm going to go for it."
Ed's lips curled into a devilish grin.