"Damn, that's tough," Amanda remarked as she poured Olivia a glass of wine, keeping a careful eye on Jesse, who was sleeping in her crib, and Noah, who was playing with Frannie in front of the couch.
Olivia stared into her spaghetti and meatballs - Sonny's recipe, apparently - and nodded silently. "I can't believe I did it while I was there. Romantic night, perfect summer weather… Terrible for telling someone that I want to end things with them. It sounds almost comical, now that I'm saying it out loud."
"Yikes. How did he take it?"
"I don't think he wasn't expecting it, if you get what I mean." Olivia absent-mindedly twirled her spaghetti around her fork, deep in thought. "We'd been having problems for a while, and things just weren't getting better. We thought that Paris would be a good break for us, but I realised while I was there that my heart wasn't in it anymore."
"If you don't mind me asking, what happened between you and Ed?" Amanda asked cautiously. "I didn't want to overstep… but I couldn't help but notice that things between you changed after that sex trafficking investigation."
"Things went downhill after the DA's office closed that investigation." Olivia gulped and swallowed the lump in her throat that formed thinking of the fateful night she and Rafael had spent together. "It took a toll on us."
"Yeah, I was wondering how his constant visits to the precinct were making you feel. Well, me… and Sonny and Fin," she added sheepishly.
"You guys noticed, huh." She knew someone would bring those visits up eventually.
Amanda raised an eyebrow. "To be absolutely fair, Tucker isn't exactly the most popular person around here. Not that we weren't happy for you, Liv, but I think my heart was in my mouth every single time he walked through the door," she joked lightly, although Olivia could sense her genuine fear of the former IAB captain and the times he'd almost stripped Amanda of her job. She didn't blame Amanda. That was only the natural product of her dating someone she never thought she'd fall in love with.
"I really should have told him not to show up here so often," Olivia lamented. "I don't know why it took me so long to tell him that." Why had she taken so bloody long to break up with Ed? Maybe she wouldn't be in this mess if she'd ended things earlier, but now all she had to live with was regret.
Amanda cocked her head quizzically and motioned for Olivia to continue. "Communication issues, I guess. We weren't on the same page about how to fix our relationship. It still makes me shudder that he left IAB for me."
Even Amanda winced being reminded of that. "Oof, that was a big transition. How are you feeling about everything now, though?"
"Honestly? Maybe I'm relieved that it's over. But I still go over all the things I did wrong and feel like an absolute asshole. Don't know when this feeling's going to go away," Olivia sighed.
Amanda cast Olivia a sympathetic glance as she topped up her wine glass. "Don't beat yourself up, Liv. Not to get all corny on you, but you know what they always say about relationships being a two-way street. You don't need to shoulder all the blame."
Except that all this really does feel like it was my fault. The memories of the night that'd started it all were starting to fade, but her guilt was as fresh as ever. Fuck, she still couldn't pin down what had led her to betray the most reliable person she'd ever dated. It didn't matter if she had hidden feelings for Rafael. There was literally no good reason for her to hurt Ed so deeply, and now she understood just what Rafael had meant when he'd told her that all he could see was dishonesty. They were in far too deep.
"Easier said than done, but I think I'm getting there. Slowly." It'd been slightly over a week since she'd broken up with Ed, but why did it feel like an eternity? She downed the rest of her wine and managed a smile at Amanda, who seemed to heave a tiny sigh of relief seeing that Olivia wasn't quite the emotional wreck she'd expected her to be after she'd teared up in her office.
"So…" Amanda decided to change the subject. "Did you find out why Barba took this sudden leave of absence?"
Olivia almost choked on her meatball hearing Rafael's name, making Amanda slightly regret this sudden change of topic. "What? … oh. No, I haven't talked to him about it," she admitted evasively, hoping that Amanda wouldn't press for details.
Weird. It'd been a few days since they'd gotten the news, and Olivia still hadn't asked Barba about it? They seemed like the kind who couldn't go a couple of days without talking, and this massive change hadn't come up? "Everything okay between you two?"
"Honestly? I don't know." Olivia sighed. "Things have been a little... weird between us lately," she choked out hesitantly, like it physically pained her to admit that.
"What happened? You two were perfectly fine right before you left for Paris."
Damn Amanda and her detective instincts, which made her one hell of a squad member but also the nosiest person there (although Carisi was giving her a run for her money). Nothing got past her. She and the squad had been silent spectators to the ongoing drama of the past few months, and she honestly was surprised that neither Amanda nor Fin had snapped and stormed into her office to interrogate her about it already.
"I don't know if it's because of what we did," Amanda added quietly before Olivia could get a word in, to which Olivia stared at her quizzically. "Sonny and I were looking at the holiday photos you sent us, and we showed them to Barba, and we watched his face fall. Something just seemed super off that day."
Amanda studied Olivia's face closely, noticing the subtle way it crumpled… oh, there definitely was something going on between them. Now to find out why.
None of this made sense to her, though. If Barba has a thing for Olivia, then shouldn't he be rejoicing over her break-up with Ed Tucker? Whatever was going on between the two of them, she knew for sure now: it was something much more than just work.
"Barba and I… aren't exactly talking at the moment. I don't really know what caused this." Olivia realised that she wasn't technically lying about that. She had no clue what had precipitated Rafael's sudden change of heart, at least not until she'd heard about his reaction to her holiday photos. Maybe he'd seen the Paris photos and something had finally snapped in him. Maybe her absence had gotten him thinking hard about where he stood. Whatever had happened, clearly he'd been rattled enough to do a complete 180 on her.
Amanda's jaw dropped. "I know you two squabble all the time, but this is the first time it's gotten this bad. Is this about a case? Are you two going to be okay?" she asked again, her voice dipping to a low - but emphatic - whisper. "This is just so sudden…"
"It's not about a case, which makes it even worse. I think he just needs some time to work through his issues. Hopefully things go back to normal soon," she blurted out nervously in a futile attempt to forget about the pit of dread forming in her belly.
And I need time to work through MY issues too, Olivia completed in her head. A week ago she'd have been quite optimistic about things returning to normal and even improving in due time, but now she wasn't so sure. The spaghetti she'd been chewing on suddenly felt limp and tasteless in her mouth.
Amanda smiled as optimistically as she could. "Let's hope the replacement ADA's a good one. I've gotten too used to working with Barba. He'll be back for sure, right?"
"God, I hope so," Olivia immediately interjected, fervently hoping that her desperation wasn't apparent in her tone. Fuck, she hadn't even considered the possibility that Rafael wouldn't be back at the end of his leave of absence. Now her desire to reach out to him had been extinguished completely. She couldn't do anything to get him worked up again, even though a part of her was screaming to head to his office right now and apologise, this time in person.
This was going to be one long month, and it hadn't even officially started yet.
Olivia sank into her seat, realising with sobering clarity that she absolutely deserved to feel like the asshole she was. All she hoped was that the squad wasn't going to get punished too harshly for it too.
"Hi everyone, glad to see you all here on time. This afternoon's briefing is going to be..." Rafael quickly checked his notes, "... a lecture by retired Supreme Court Judge Elizabeth Donnelly, who was one of the pioneering women ADAs in the Manhattan DA's office and later, a Bureau Chief and Judge. She'll be talking about her career in the DA's office and imparting some useful advice." The silver-haired former judge - a woman he'd known by reputation and long respected - stepped up to the podium and quickly launched into her talk, leaving Rafael to relax in his seat in the front row.
He stared out into the crowd of fresh-faced, youthful ADAs, laptops and iPads out and ready to take notes, and wondered why he hadn't volunteered to do this in previous summers. All he had to do was show up at the office at the wondrously humane hour of 9.30am, make his way to the conference room, and present slideshows and read from notes that other people had prepared for him. No hurried run-walks to 60 Centre Street, no late nights prepping uncooperative witnesses, and no early mornings frantically revising his strategy while also trying to fasten his suspenders and gel his hair.
Best of all, he didn't have to be anywhere near the 16th Precinct.
It'd been just over two weeks since he'd started this leave of absence, and he hadn't bumped into Olivia once, save for one awkward, and thankfully, brief, encounter in the hallway when the squad members had gone to 1 Hogan Place in search of their temporary ADA. From the nervous way she'd avoided eye contact with him, she was still feeling guilty about all that had gone down. Occasionally he wondered if he should have replied to her apologetic text messages, but decided to preserve the sanctity of their month-long break, knowing that things would go south rapidly if he let her occupy even more bandwidth in his mind.
A few hours later, Rafael retreated to the serenity of his office and idly thumbed through the emails he'd received that day while slowly eating the salad he'd ordered on UberEats - a rare and long-awaited mid-week treat. A couple of general updates from Jack McCoy, which he skimmed and then deleted immediately. An invitation to weekly ADA drinks at Forlini's, which he'd decided to avoid for the time being because he knew Olivia and her squad were there often. A memo from Carmen with the following day's orientation schedule.
And a weekly circular from HR.
Typically, Rafael didn't bother to read the HR circulars - too many people worked at 1 Hogan Place for him to keep track of the comings and goings, and he figured that if anyone of note joined or departed from the DA's office, he'd hear about it from Carmen or through word-of-mouth eventually. But curiosity, combined with the unusually large amount of downtime he had nowadays, made him click on it.
The Conviction Integrity Unit welcomes a new Lead Investigator.
The Conviction Integrity Unit, founded in 2012 by former Executive District Attorney David Haden…
Rafael flinched seeing his name. He'd met Haden only a handful of times before he'd stepped down from the DA's office and left for private practice in the aftermath of the Paula Foster scandal, but whispers were abound that he'd once been involved with Olivia a few months before Rafael made the lateral transfer to Manhattan. God, he did not want to be reminded of Olivia yet again…
… welcomes a new Lead Investigator. Captain Ed Tucker leaves an illustrious 15-year career with the NYPD's Internal Affairs Bureau to join the Manhattan DA's Office...
Oh, fuck. He choked on a lettuce leaf.
So much for not being reminded of Olivia.
He re-read the email in a panic and forced himself to take in the news: Ed Tucker was going to be working in the same building as him. Why, oh why, had he chosen to read this particular HR circular? (Or maybe it was better than finding out about his new colleague by chance, but neither situation was ideal.) Now Rafael questioned if he wanted to spend so much time in 1 Hogan Place, after all. He'd taken this temporary assignment for the specific purpose of avoiding Olivia, and now the person she'd cheated on with him was transferring to this very office?
Conviction Integrity. Shit, he didn't need Ed Tucker poking around his old cases now. Of course Rafael believed in the importance of the unit and its job holding the DA's office accountable, but he'd be fine with literally any other investigator. He didn't want to imagine staring Ed Tucker down in some basement conference room, going over all his old cases and convictions for hours on end, and dodging inevitable questions about the nature of his relationship with Olivia.
Rafael rubbed his temples and realised that he'd lost his appetite. It was taking all his willpower not to reach for his bottle of scotch and pour himself a glass right now - he couldn't have alcohol on his breath when he still had an afternoon of orientation briefings and meetings ahead. Best not to start the new ADAs on a drinking habit this early in their careers, he thought, although they'd probably need it soon enough. Especially if they slept with a detective - a detective who was in a high-profile relationship with another NYPD heavyweight.
He leaned back in his chair and read the email for the third time. It really was happening. They'd even attached a picture of a smiling Ed next to Jack McCoy. Rafael scrutinised his facial expression, wondering again how Olivia had fallen for this raisin of a man, but quickly shoved that thought aside when he realised that he'd soon be seeing this raisin face around his office.
He'd never seen Ed Tucker look this triumphant in his life. Was he triumphant because...
You're just overthinking things, he admonished himself. IAB and the Conviction Integrity Unit demanded a similar skill set anyway - it was only natural that Ed Tucker would go for a position that'd make use of his strengths (being a nosy, suspicious asshole). Former NYPD detectives joined the DA's office all the time. This wasn't a huge leap.
But why did this feel like a targeted move against Rafael?
Did Olivia know about Ed's new career move? Did he want to know if she knew? What was he going to do about it anyway - storm into her office and talk about it, and probably end up making out again in an angry haze? Seeing her was too dangerous, and he'd take his burning curiosity over Ed Tucker over the possibilities of yet another heated interaction with her.
Ordinarily he'd never cross paths with Ed Tucker, and he was more than content with that reality. Now he had two people to avoid, and he had a sinking feeling that things were going to go very awry, very quickly if he didn't watch his back.
Olivia didn't know when the last time she'd been this unproductive was.
Sure, her ability to concentrate on her work had taken a nosedive ever since the night she'd completely screwed over her love life a couple of months ago, but things hadn't gotten quite this bad until now. Yet another morning had been spent staring listlessly at her computer and thinking about Rafael and she knew that this had to change before the squad room erupted in flames, but her heart just wasn't in it, especially when they were overwhelmed by a growing caseload and incompetent replacement ADA.
Thank goodness for Fin, who'd stepped up to the plate when he sensed that Olivia needed some space and didn't ask any questions. Even if she didn't quite look like one, she was an emotional wreck, plain and simple. She hadn't even had time to squeeze in a visit to Dr. Lindstrom, which was probably the best thing she could do for herself right now.
"Lieu, I don't know how much more we can take of this."
Olivia looked up from her laptop and realised that an exasperated Sonny was standing in the doorway. "Sorry for not knocking, but this is bad. We've called ADA Johnson at least five times in the last 24 hours and he's not responding to any of our text messages. We haven't gotten a single warrant for this case!"
She buried her head in her hands. Shit, this was bad, and she did not need this additional problem on top of all her existing personal drama. "Have you called his office?" she tried, although she already knew what the answer was going to be.
"Fin's tried multiple times today, but his assistant says he's not been in the office all day. Apparently he's been MIA," he shrugged.
"I'll let Jack McCoy know what's going on. If you don't hear from Johnson by 3 this afternoon, I'll have to push for a replacement." A replacement for the replacement.
"Can't you get Barba back from his leave of absence? Then we'll definitely get back on track before this gets even more out of hand. Come on, you two are close, right?"
Olivia winced hearing Rafael's name. Fuck, this was doing nothing to remedy the crushing guilt she'd already been feeling for the last fortnight. At least Amanda hadn't spilled the beans about their ongoing cold war to Sonny. "I'm sorry, Carisi, but there's not much I can do about that. Fin checked with Carmen and we're not going to get Barba back until the leave of absence officially ends."
"Then Amanda and I will talk to Barba ourselves and get to the bottom of this," he asserted.
"Sonny, you don't have to do that," Olivia insisted, hoping that her use of his first name would help her message register. Hopefully Amanda would be able to talk him out of it, because at least she knew that the problem wasn't quite their typical work-related disagreement. But the look in his eyes told her that there was no point talking him out of this - when Sonny was on a mission, nothing was going to stop him.
"Where are they going?" Fin called out to her, as he watched Amanda and Sonny storm out of the squad room and towards the building exit.
"Hopefully not to do anything stupid," Olivia replied, although she couldn't help but hope that they'd storm into Rafael's office and chew him out on her behalf. This honestly was starting to feel ridiculous and far too punitive - surely Rafael didn't have to punish the entire squad with his absence? If this was his way of leaving her with some food for thought, he'd done more than enough to make her learn her lesson by now.
God, she missed him. She missed strolling into the squadroom to find him waiting for her, legs propped up on the table and hands full of pretzels he'd stolen from the break room snack jar. She missed watching him adjust his tie and suspenders in the reflection of her office window, her pretending not to notice. She missed the way he pushed her to think harder about their cases in that fiery, passionate tone of his, the way he leaned into her as they shared an inside joke...
I'm saying that you've been incredibly selfish, Olivia.
She'd replayed those words in her head over and over again, but it wasn't the message that stayed. It was the sting of his tone; the bitterness of the realisation that Rafael disapproved of her. Many times he'd harshly criticised the way she did her job or looked at a case, but never had he insinuated that it had anything to do with her character. Now his perception of her was probably in shambles, and he didn't even want to speak to her.
Now, she realised, she desperately wanted to get back into his good graces. Except that she didn't quite know how.
She tried to keep her mind focussed on her to-do list - call Jack McCoy, make sure they got those warrants somehow, check if Lucy was free to watch Noah for a couple of extra hours while they sorted this mess out…
But that didn't stop her from fretting about what'd happen when Rafael (hopefully) got back from his leave of absence. Was this cold war going to continue indefinitely? Did he expect her to apologise to him again? Were they going to talk this out somehow, maybe try to fix things a second time? The uncertainty ate away at her like a piranha.
Desperate for a distraction unrelated to 1 Hogan Place and its occupants, Olivia absent-mindedly refreshed her email inbox and clicked on the first email that popped up.
This month in HR (Human Resource) Happenings!
Usually these emails went straight to her trash bin, but today she'd be content with reading something mindless to get her mind off everything else.
The NYPD bids farewell to Captain Ed Tucker, who leaves the Internal Affairs Bureau after an illustrious 15-year career...
She just couldn't catch a break, could she? Of all the HR emails she'd received (and immediately deleted) over the years, this just had to be the one she happened to save and read.
… to join the Manhattan District Attorney's Office's Conviction Integrity Unit as a Lead Investigator.
Fuck, she cursed audibly, and immediately moved to shut the door to her office. Ed is joining the DA's office?
What on earth had happened to his interest in the Hostage Negotiation Unit? It was all that he could talk about in Paris, and now he'd abandoned that for a position in the DA's office?
This felt too well-timed for it to be just a coincidence.
Olivia nervously ran her thumb over her phone in her pocket, wondering if this bombshell warranted another text to Rafael. Surely he'd want to know if his arch-rival was going to start work in the same building and possibly start digging through his old cases, especially when that arch-rival happened to have a vindictive streak and burning disdain for him…
But no. She stopped herself before she could open her chat with Rafael, where her apologetic texts from a few weeks ago remained read but unreplied. He spent all day in in 1 Hogan Place nowadays; someone had probably told him about Ed's new job by now. And even if he hadn't, he probably didn't want to hear the news from her.
Hopefully Ed wasn't going to make any trouble and push Rafael even further away from her. Olivia took a swig of her coffee, not caring that she was burning her tongue, and silently cursed this limbo they were in.
Control. She didn't have control over any of this, and it was what was driving her crazy. She felt powerless to fix this situation, and it only looked to get even messier with Ed's new job.
But there were warrants and cases to take care of, and if she couldn't get any closure, she could at least try harder at doing her job properly, so she picked up the phone and dialled Jack McCoy's number before she could let her anxiety take over.
"Sonny, I'm not so sure this is a good idea," Amanda remarked worriedly as he frantically pushed the elevator button. "Should we really be doing this?"
She didn't know how Sonny had talked her into following him all the way here - a whole subway ride away from the precinct - but here they were, in 1 Hogan Place, storming in the direction of Barba's office. "Look, Manda, we're stuck with this terrible replacement ADA and it's all because Barba took this sudden leave of absence without even bothering to tell us in advance. We deserve an explanation."
"How do you know he's even in his office?" she asked skeptically. "For all we know, he could be busy with the ADA orientation stuff and we've made a wasted trip."
"A friend from law school sent me the schedule. Today's a free afternoon," he explained quickly as the elevator doors opened onto Barba's floor, Amanda struggling to keep pace with his quick, assertive strides. Oh, he'd prepared for this. Stopping him was almost futile at this point.
"Sonny, we're going to be stuck with ADA Johnson for less than two weeks more. I hate him just as much as you do, but can't we just put up with him until Barba gets back?" she pleaded as she followed him down the hallway. "When did I become the rational one?"
"If Barba gets back. He left in such a hurry, surely he's feeling mad. What if he's mad enough that he asks for a transfer?" Sonny questioned. "We at least deserve to know if we did something to piss him off."
"Aren't you jumping the gun here?" She dropped her voice to a whisper, suddenly conscious of how empty the hallway was. "Look, Liv told me that she got into an argument with Barba about something and that's why he's taken some time off. Who knows, they'll probably kiss and make up like they always do and it'll all be fine by the time he gets back." Amanda realised she hadn't intended to say "kiss and make up"... maybe it was too appropriate a Freudian slip? "Anyway, Liv said it's personal. We shouldn't be interfering."
Sonny didn't budge. "Barba knows better than to let some petty drama get in the way of his job. Whatever he has going on with Lieu, he needs to fix it. I want him to explain this mess he got us into."
"He's not going to tell you anything if you're this mad, and it's not like he's going to return immediately if you storm in like that." But before she could stop him, they were at the door of Rafael's office, and realising that Carmen wasn't at her post, Sonny stormed in despite Amanda's silent protests.
"I said no visitors, Carmen," Rafael muttered angrily, although his expression quickly changed to one of shock when he looked up and saw the two unwelcome guests standing right in front of him. "Detectives. Didn't expect to see you here," he said, his tone cold and unfriendly.
"Sorry, Barba. We didn't mean to inter-" Amanda started apologetically, only to be interrupted by a furious Sonny.
"What the hell, Barba? You disappear for a month without telling us and leave us with this piece-of-shit replacement ADA? Can you at least explain what's going on here?" Amanda almost snorted hearing virtuous, good-Catholic-boy Sonny utter a curse word, but quickly turned her attention back to the ADA.
"Clearly I haven't disappeared, because you two knew exactly where to find me," Rafael retorted sarcastically. He furrowed his eyebrows and shut his laptop to look the detectives in the eye. "I needed some time off to deal with some personal issues, Carisi. Satisfied?"
"You couldn't even pick up the phone and tell us before you had Carmen send that email?" Sonny demanded.
Guilt flashed through his eyes. "Look, I'm sorry that it happened so suddenly, but my caseload is light now and I had to take the opportunity."
"Great for you, but not so much for us when the replacement ADA we got can't even handle that! Can you at least get us another replacement ADA who'll actually answer the phone?"
"Sonny, you need to calm down," Amanda warned him, but her plea fell on deaf ears.
"Ask your lieutenant to call Jack McCoy," Rafael sighed defeatedly. "I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but this is out of my hands."
"Whatever you have going on with Lieu, you need to get over it and do your job, Barba. This isn't you! What is so bad that you can't even work with us? Did you really have to drop everything and leave?"
"It's not so simple, Carisi!" Rafael snapped, startling them both. "I don't like leaving you guys in the lurch like that either, and I'm sorry," he added after a pause to collect himself. "I know this isn't like me, and you're right that I handled it badly, but there's a lot going on at the moment and I can't handle my usual work now," Rafael admitted, his voice cracking ever-so-slightly. If this wasn't enough to satisfy Carisi's curiosity, he wasn't sure what would, and he wasn't about to tell the detectives the whole truth...
Happy now, Sonny? Amanda mouthed at her partner, who thankfully seemed to be somewhat appeased by Rafael's explanation. "Alright. But please tell us that you'll be back at the end of the month. ADA Johnson is doing a terrible job."
"I'll be back, Carisi," Rafael replied with as much conviction as he could muster. Right now he didn't want to think about heading back to work, but the worried looks on the detectives' faces made him say it for their sake.
As Sonny walked out of the office, Amanda quickly leaned in and whispered imploringly, "Look, I don't know what's going on between you and Liv - she told me it's personal and I don't want to get in your business. But please, sort this out and get back to work soon because the squad room feels like a ticking time bomb at the moment."
Rafael's mouth suddenly felt dry. "I'll try my best, Rollins," he managed.
"See you soon, hopefully."
God, I feel awful, Rafael realised. Just his luck that the squad had been saddled with Scott Johnson, of all people - the last person he wanted to take his place. For the first time in a couple of weeks, he reached into his desk drawer and poured himself a glass of scotch, relishing the familiar way the amber liquid burned the back of his throat. He was mad at Olivia, of course, but even this felt unnecessarily harsh on her. Had he made a mistake, taking this leave of absence?
This felt wrong: punishing the rest of the squad with his absence. He hadn't yet thought about what he was going to do when this leave of absence ended, but it was hard to fight the sense of obligation he felt to the squad and his cases. He'd stayed in Sex Crimes this long because he was passionate about the work he did, whether or not he happened to have tension with a certain detective.
Two more weeks. Two more weeks to figure himself out once and for all and do this job. At some point, he was going to have to rip the Band-Aid and face her again, and when he did, he wanted to make sure he was mentally prepared. He'd chosen to take some time off, and he needed to commit to that.
Hopefully they'd both be able to keep things together until then.
"You wanted to see me, Jack?"
The grey-haired District Attorney ushered Rafael into his office and motioned for him to take a seat. "I just wanted to thank you for helping out with everything that's been going on here. The feedback's been good so far. Great feedback from the summer interns, especially. You really should consider volunteering next year," he smiled.
He heaved a sigh of relief - talking to young people wasn't quite his cup of tea, but he'd come to enjoy his new role, and was secretly glad no one had complained about him. "My pleasure. It's been a great experience," Rafael replied, although he secretly hoped that circumstances wouldn't warrant another summer doing work for HR. God forbid he and Olivia still be embroiled in some cold war at this time next year, or worse - things getting so bad that he'd have to ask for a transfer out of the Sex Crimes Bureau. That was a bridge he didn't ever want to cross or even consider at the moment.
"Are you feeling better now?" When Rafael eyed him skeptically, Jack shrugged and added, "Come on, Rafael, this isn't a trap. It's my job to make sure that my ADAs are in good shape for work. I don't want you burning out - if something's going on and it's related to the job, we'd better address it before things get too out of hand. I've lost too many ADAs to personal crises."
Things already are out of hand. "Well, I'm working through it..." Rafael started cautiously, "... but I should be fine to get back to work at the end of the month. This has been a nice change of pace." The last thing he needed was for Jack to think that he couldn't do his job anymore, because actually leaving the DA's office was out of the question for him.
"If you don't mind me asking, what do you think caused the burn-out? Work-life balance? Difficult cases? I know it's been an exceptionally rough year for you. I'm surprised you haven't taken more time off already. Not many times have I had an ADA moved into protective custody."
"Well, that, partially…" Rafael frowned thinking about Felipe Heredio, "... and I think I just needed a break to start seeing things clearly again. Things got too intense - I just felt like I was missing some objectivity. I think this break is taking care of it."
Technically not a lie - Olivia had completely decimated his ability to do his job objectively. Until this situation between them was sorted out, there was no way he felt confident prosecuting SVU's cases. Right now, one look at Olivia and he'd either tank a case for her sake or end up picking some stupid fight with her; he knew he wouldn't be able to keep it together. His legal objectivity - the one thing he needed to do his job well - was in jeopardy, and he desperately needed to make sure he still had it before stepping anywhere near the precinct.
Thankfully, Jack didn't seem to be too worried, because all he did was nod slowly, as though he perfectly understood Rafael's predicament. "Good that you're so self-aware."
A sudden knock at the door interrupted their conversation. "Mr. McCoy? Captain Tucker's here to see you."
Shit, Rafael muttered under his breath. Just the person he didn't want to see.
Jack's eyes quickly shifted to the digital clock on his desk. "Send him in," he replied. "Rafael," he added quietly, turning back to him, "you've met Ed, haven't you? I hope there isn't any bad blood left from the sex trafficking investigation."
Oh, there is bad blood. There is SO MUCH bad blood. And it isn't even because of that investigation. But he couldn't tell Jack that, so he was going to have to grit his teeth and make this meeting as quick as possible.
Rafael immediately stiffened and tried his best to avert eye contact when the exceptionally tall former IAB captain walked through the door of Jack's office. "Barba," Ed said curtly, blue eyes suspiciously surveying him.
"Captain Tucker," Rafael muttered, shuddering a little seeing the hatred and intensity in Ed's expression; even angrier than the awkward encounter they'd had in the squad room during the Jeffrey and Regina Prince investigation. Shit, just how much did Ed know about him and Olivia? But the last thing he wanted to do was look scared of Ed Tucker, especially in the presence of their now-shared boss.
"Rafael, I'm sure you know that Ed's the latest addition to the Conviction Integrity Unit," Jack smiled, seemingly oblivious to the rising tension in the room. "He transferred on very short notice since they're a little short-handed at the moment."
Damn it. Now Rafael knew why Ed had secured a transfer so quickly. This was the worst possible time for him to start a new job here, and also the worst possible time for him to have a meeting with Jack...
"Glad I could step in," Ed smirked in Rafael's direction, his gaze lingering for an uncomfortably long time. "I've admired the unit for a long time, and I just had to take the position when it opened up. I'm looking forward to starting work."
"Welcome to the DA's office, Captain. I'll leave you two to chat." Rafael steadied his shaking legs and rose from his seat to exit the room, quietly shutting the door behind him - and he could swear that he saw a triumphant, smug grin on Ed's face. That prick.
If his sleepless nights of speculation about Ed Tucker's motivations for joining the DA's office hadn't already tortured him enough, now Rafael was sure that Ed Tucker had more than just a healthy respect for the CIT behind his sudden transfer to the DA's office. As he walked back to his office, he reached for his phone and texted the only person he knew he could confide in at the moment.
Rita, you will NOT believe who just accepted a position at the DA's office.
News travels fast, Raf. Also, you're above a petty fight with Ed Tucker. Stand your ground and don't lose your cool, but I'm sure I don't have to remind you.
The message that immediately followed was the wake-up call he didn't realise he needed.
LIke I said, this is as much on Olivia as it is on you. You had very good reasons to take this break. Don't let Tucker mess with your head.
Everything that had happened between him and Olivia - both of them had gotten themselves into this mess. He couldn't possibly take all the blame for it, even though he was sure that Ed Tucker would try to make him feel that way.
Rafael just hoped that he'd remember that the next time he saw Ed around the office.
"Thanks for meeting me here, Rita."
She smiled and strolled around his office as he finished up the last of his work. "Since you're so free now, I thought you'd finally take some time to decorate this place a little. Why is it even barer than before? Where did all your postcards and photo frames go?" Her eyes lingered on the now-empty shelves and windowsill.
"I took them down. Thought it was time for a fresh start." He didn't mention that he'd removed all of his prints because they only reminded him of the Musee D'Orsay, which then reminded him of Olivia. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
When he didn't look up from his screen, Rita glanced at her watch. "Are you done? I need to be in court at 2."
"Sorry, I'm just finishing up." He placed the finishing touches on the PowerPoint presentation he was working on and promptly closed his laptop.
"Forlini's lunch special?" she suggested, although she quickly realised that was a no-go when she watched a look of hesitation cross his face. Forlini's and Olivia practically went hand-in-hand for him - she should've known better. "How about you choose where we eat? I'm good with anything."
"Chinese it is, then." It was a bit of a trek, but that meant he and Rita could have a proper conversation without constantly looking over their shoulders for anyone they worked with.
"How's the new gig going? You look… well-rested," she noted with an amused grin.
"Turns out getting 8 hours of sleep a night can make you a new human being," he joked.
"I never made you for HR's new favourite person, Raf. But I'm glad to see you looking so jovial. Are you holding up fine?"
"If you're asking if I've talked to Olivia, no, I haven't," he said proudly. "But… this break hasn't been quite as peaceful as I wanted it to be."
Rita shot him a sympathetic look. "It's not just Ed Tucker working here. Carisi and Rollins stormed into my office looking for answers a few days ago because they're pissed about what I did. Jack gave them Scott Johnson as my replacement and you know Scott - I don't know how he hasn't been fired yet."
"It's inconvenient for them, but it's still not on you, Raf. They'll have to find some way to get by, just like you need this time away from Olivia to get your head straight. Have you decided what you're going to do after the month's up?"
"Go back to work, probably. As nice as this has been, I need to get my act together and find a way to work with Liv if I want to stay in this job," he shrugged. "And honestly, I could do with seeing Ed Tucker less than I am now. I swear, Rita, he keeps giving me the stink-eye when I pass him in the hallway."
"Speak of the devil," she muttered under her breath, and glanced at the end of the hallway, where Ed was approaching them.
"Fuck," Rafael cursed quietly. "Not again. This is the third time this week."
"Barba. Rita." Ed paused for just a second as he walked past - a pause long enough for Rafael and Rita to see red-hot anger flash in his eyes.
"Ed. Nice to see you again," Rita replied with zero sincerity in her voice, and quickly walked past him, Rafael almost sensing an eye-roll from his friend.
"Please tell me you noticed that too," Rafael muttered to her when Ed was out of earshot. "This has happened three times already. First we run into each other in the hallway outside my office, and then in the men's bathroom on my floor, and outside the conference room where the orientation is taking place. It's like we're fated to run into each other!"
"Ed giving you the stink-eye? I'm not exactly surprised, Raf. You're probably his number-one enemy right now. But there isn't much that you can do about it, right?" she noted.
"Almost makes me wish I were back in the precinct. I don't need his petty anger in my life."
"He hasn't actually said anything to you beyond staring you down, has he?"
"No, nothing yet. I'm starting to think that it's inevitable," Rafael wondered out loud. "Bet you he's going to storm into my office and try to get a rise out of me."
"You did sleep with his girlfriend, Raf. He does have a right to be mad at you," she pointed out.
Rafael bristled. "As if I haven't thought about that enough, Rita. But if he wants to talk to me about it, he can at least sit down and have a civil conversation with me instead of staring me down in the hallway."
"Damn, I need to witness that," she chuckled dryly.
"Don't get your hopes up. I have nothing to say to Ed Tucker."
Truthfully, maybe Rafael did feel a little bad for the man - he'd once been in the exact same boat, and the sting of learning that Yelina had cheated on him with Alex had never quite been extinguished permanently. Maybe he owed Tucker an apology, at the very least, for getting between him and Olivia.
But he looked over at his friend, remembering how upset and broken she'd sounded when she'd told him about Ed's infidelity, and realised that Ed's hands were just as dirty as his. They'd both done terrible things. Ed couldn't claim any moral high ground over him, and that made Rafael feel much better about the prospect of facing him down.
"Come on, let's forget about that and stuff our faces with dumplings before you have to get to court," he suggested.
"Vanessa Dumplings? Wow, I never thought you'd suggest that," she remarked incredulously.
"What can I say - my new position has changed me. Also, Rita?"
"Mmm?"
He turned and smiled at her. "Thanks for everything."
"Come on Rafael, don't tell me that you've become sentimental all of a sudden. You know I'll always be in your corner. And you can repay me by buying me lunch."
"Consider that done," he smirked. Thank God for Rita, because he'd probably have combusted if he didn't have her to confide in.
"You'll be fine. Ed's probably going to tire of this soon enough, anyway."
He hoped that it was true - and that he'd tire of it before this leave of absence ended, so he'd get least a few peaceful days in 1 Hogan Place.
"Mr. Barba, I'm going to take my lunch break now. Would you like me to get you anything?"
"I'm good, thank you. Take as much time as you need."
"Alright, thank you. Drop me a text if you need anything."
Without another word, Carmen had left her desk right outside his office door, leaving Rafael to bask in the relative silence of the afternoon. All his neighbours were in meetings or at the courthouse, leaving him alone with his salad, a cup of coffee, and that morning's edition of the New York Times, while the printer whirred in the background as it generated that afternoon's speaker notes and handouts. For the first time in a few days, he decided to let himself truly forget about the ongoing situation and increasingly hostile glares from Ed Tucker, and direct his attention towards something non-work related.
Until he heard the pitter-patter of footsteps approach his door and he realised that any peace he had was going to be short-lived.
The door flung open before he could bark at the visitor for forgetting to knock, and he realised with horror that he was face-to-face with an absolutely furious-looking Ed Tucker. First Carisi and Rollins, and now Ed Tucker? He seriously needed to start locking his office door.
"There's something called knocking, Captain. I'm not available at the moment," he said quickly, not bothering with any pleasantries - he hoped that Ed would return when he was ready for what looked like a tense conversation ahead.
"Barba. You're not available? You certainly don't look busy." He eyed Rafael's newspaper, which just happened to be open to the Theatre section - fuck the bad timing - and the freshly-printed handouts, emblazoned with "ADA Orientation 2016" in bold typeface on the top. "You're working with HR now, huh? A bit of a downgrade from SVU, isn't it?" Ed taunted. Nope, he's not going anywhere. They were going to have this discussion here and now.
"Are you here just to get a rise out of me?" Rafael asked impatiently, staring at the sheets that had just slid out of the printer to avert eye contact.
Ed ignored the question. "You think hiding in here for a month's going to throw me off so easily?"
"I don't follow." Rafael finally looked up at Ed, whose hatred for the ADA burned in his blue eyes.
I will NOT let Ed Tucker intimidate me in my own office, he thought, although that resolve started to disappear rapidly the more Ed's eyes bored into his soul. He hadn't come here just to shake Rafael up - he meant business, and it didn't look like he was going to leave until he got the answers he wanted.
"I'm here to get to the bottom of things, Barba. Or is it Rafael? Raf? What does she call you when you're in bed together, fucking behind my back?" Ed snarled.
Rafael gritted his teeth and desperately tried to still his shaking voice. Keep it cool, Barba. The last thing he needed was to blow up in front of Ed Tucker. "I'm not having this discussion with you right now," he replied. "Get out of my office."
"Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere." He took a seat in the chair opposite Rafael. "We have a lot to talk about. So much.