"Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere. We have a lot to talk about. So much."
Something about the way Ed Tucker crossed his legs and leaned back in Rafael's armchair, wearing that stupid smug grin on his face, made Rafael want to march right over to him and punch him squarely in the face. But he wasn't about to lose his job over an assault charge, so he settled for defensively folding his arms and hiding his (embarrassingly) shaking legs under his desk. He'd never admit to anyone that he was afraid of this man.
And now he was face-to-face with him, with absolutely nowhere to hide.
"Then get on with it, because I need to be somewhere in twenty minutes, Captain," Rafael replied flatly as he glanced at the clock on his desk.
"Captain, huh? You know I've left the NYPD. I thought you'd be friendlier to your new colleague…" he taunted, lingering uncomfortably on the final word.
Yeah, you've made that abundantly clear staring me down all around this damned office building. "Just tell me what you want," Rafael sighed, hoping that remaining calm and emotionless would defuse what looked to be a bomb on the verge of exploding.
"So… how long have you been sleeping with Olivia, Rafael?" Ed demanded. "Seems like you two have gotten pretty close."
Shit, this man wastes absolutely no time. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "It only happened once," Rafael declared, knowing that he'd quickly unravel if he clarified everything else. "One time. There's nothing more to it," he added insistently. The faster he could end this conversation, the better.
Ed sprang out of his chair and furiously paced around the room. "Oh, you can't pull the wool over my eyes that easily. Especially not when you brought her back to your apartment when I was away in Albany!" he roared, blue eyes boring into his soul.
Albany. He'd found out about the night they'd gone to dinner and watched that movie at his place. How on earth had they been spotted? "Nothing happened. We met as friends, we watched a movie. That was it, I swear."
Technically they hadn't done anything more than watch a movie, but Ed was still getting dangerously close to finding out the whole truth, and dread started to creep into Rafael's chest. He nervously eyed the door, knowing full well that he couldn't flee the room now, but wishing that he could anyway.
"That's not all, Barba. Did you two get cosy when you were in protective custody? She cry into your shoulder after Dodds' funeral? She tell you all about how we were having problems? How would you like me to tell everyone in the DA's office that you screwed a colleague in a relationship?"
Rafael looked him right in the eye and steadied his trembling voice. "Tucker, we are nothing more than friends. Friends who've worked together for the last few years."
Friends who also kissed, although Rafael made sure to leave that detail out. Ed Tucker was worked up enough with just a suspicion that he and Olivia were involved - he didn't want to imagine his reaction if he found out they'd actually done something behind his back. Somehow, Ed's threat didn't seem empty, and Rafael couldn't give the man any ammunition. There was too much at stake - his career, his reputation, his hopes of rebuilding things with her.
"Why did you do it, Barba?" Ed pressed, his fingers pressing into the grooves of Rafael's desk. "Why did you do it?"
Because I love her; I love her so damn much, Rafael wanted to scream.
"Why couldn't you just leave her the hell alone? Leave us alone?"
Because you're an asshole she never deserved, he wanted to snarl. A cheating asshole.
"Cat's got your tongue?" Ed leaned in menacingly - close enough for Rafael to see the wrinkles around his eyes and flared nostrils.
He hated this man's face; hated being in his presence. He hated his entitlement; the way he'd stormed into his office. He hated the way that he treated Olivia.
The anger and disappointment he'd felt on the day Olivia had told him she was in a relationship with this man - in this very office, in the exact spot Ed Tucker was now standing - flooded his mind once again. He hated the jealousy that was burning in his chest.
He hated that he couldn't have Olivia Benson - not even after they'd woken up in the same bed and kissed and did everything that a couple did.
And Rafael snapped.
"Olivia never deserved you," Rafael muttered through gritted teeth.
"And you think you can do better than me? You, with your loud mouth and ridiculous suits and courtroom stunts?" Ed retaliated.
Adrenaline - and red-got anger - coursed through Rafael's veins. The nerve of this man, to barge into his office, to insult him like that. "You think you're much better than that?"
"She chose to be with me, Rafael," he fired back, saying his name like it was a curse word.
Fuck this man and fuck his arrogance.
"Then why did she choose to sleep with me? To visit me when I was in protective custody? To kiss me when I was in that hotel room? To go to my apartment? It's because she didn't want to be with you," Rafael retorted, his voice growing increasingly loud and emphatic.
So much for not giving Ed Tucker more ammunition for his crusade.
"I knew it - I knew you two were up to something behind my back!" he shouted, face inching dangerously close to Rafael's.
Rafael recoiled hearing the smack of Ed's hand against the wooden tabletop, and stared into his eyes, now loaded with a frenzied, feverish, and paralysing rage. He neededto get this man to shut up - this stuck-up, insufferable, man who'd torn Olivia's heart in half and betrayed his oldest friend by cheating on-
"Well, I know that you cheated on Rita Calhoun!"
The words slid off Rafael's tongue before the gravity of those nine words could hit him fully. An uneasy silence sank over the room.
Fuck, Rafael cursed silently - he hadn't intended to bring up what'd happened with Rita, but he'd felt so backed into a corner that it just slipped out of his mouth. Now he couldn't take it back, and he had first-row access to Ed's reaction - the first semblance of power he had in this cursed conversation, although that was the last thing he wanted.
Rafael studied Ed's face closely, watching the raw anger on his face turn to shock, and then to a silent - but teeming - horror. "How did you-...?"
Ed didn't have to complete his sentence before he put two and two together. Everyone in their circles knew of the long friendship between Rita and Rafael.
Rafael suddenly wished that he had a glass of scotch on his desk, because he desperately needed a distraction - and liquid courage - before he continued this conversation. He looked over at Ed, who'd collapsed into Rafael's spare chair, hurt and betrayal written all over his face.
"Was this your way of getting back at me? Both of you screwing each other behind my back?" Ed asked without making eye contact, the raw anger now dissipated.
Rafael winced - Ed sounded genuinely wounded. He'd never meant for Rita's secret to slip out as ammunition against the man. "I never told-" he protested, but he knew it was going to be futile. Nothing was going to convince Ed that he and Olivia weren't currently in some secret relationship - what reason did he have to believe that Rafael hadn't told Olivia about Rita?
"Save it, Barba," he interrupted coldly. "If this is how you want to play it, then so be it."
Rafael scrutinised Ed's eyes once more, expecting to see hurt and sadness in them but finding only blankness. Nothing. Was he going to give him the silent treatment? Threaten him again? Explode into a rage? He had no way of knowing.
Olivia and I aren't talking now. We aren't involved. We never intended for things to end up this way, he wanted to scream, but his tongue felt like lead in his mouth. It was too late.
He'd said too much. Now Ed Tucker could continue on his warpath knowing that his suspicions had been confirmed.
Rafael was fucked.
Without another word, Ed stormed out of Rafael's office, slamming the door behind him. Metal hit wood with an unsettling, dissonant crack, and soon the room was silent yet again.
Before he could fully process what'd just happened, he reached for the half-finished bottle of scotch in his desk drawer - a bottle he hadn't opened at all since he'd started this leave of absence - and poured himself a small glass, downing half of it in one gulp, not caring that he had a talk to give in fifteen minutes.
He'd let Ed Tucker get into his head, and now his professional reputation was one small slip away from becoming ruins. He couldn't have the whole of 1 Hogan Place and possibly the entire NYPD find out about what'd happened between him and Olivia.
Rafael picked up his half-finished salad and tossed the remnants in the trash can next to his desk, his appetite now completely destroyed by this unwelcome intrusion. There was no time for rumination, because he had to be in the conference room in a few minutes' time.
Fuck Ed Tucker, he thought, as he straightened his tie and adjusted his cufflinks.
Fuck my stupid big mouth, he admonished himself, as he put the chair that Ed Tucker had been sitting on back in its original place.
Fuck this mess we're in, he cursed, as he took another swig from his glass of scotch.
He didn't want to know what Ed Tucker had in store for them.
"Noah, sweetie, finish your spaghetti before you play with your Legos," Olivia sighed exasperatedly as the boisterous toddler leapt out of his seat for the umpteenth time that evening and made a beeline for his toybox. Between the sauce stains on the counter, the blocks strewn all over the living room floor, and piles of undone laundry in the corner, Olivia didn't know what the hell to do with herself.
Bzzzz.
This had better not be about work, she thought, because she couldn't deal with a screaming toddler and dirty dishes and leftover pasta sauce all at once.
New message from Rafael Barba
Olivia's eyes shot open and she frantically waved her thumb over the home button. This was the first she'd heard from him since his sudden departure. It couldn't be good.
I hate that I have to text you about this, but Olivia, you need to do something about Ed Tucker.
She flinched briefly seeing "Olivia" and not "Liv" on the screen, but that discomfort quickly turned to sheer fright when she realised that he was asking her for her help. What the hell had Ed done to Rafael?
He's been giving me the evil eye in the hallway all week, and today he stormed into my office to pick a fight with me about you. He's convinced that we've been sleeping together the whole time. Shouted at me. Threatened to let this leak to everyone in the DA's office.
I tried to talk him down, but he's furious. Can you please talk him out of this before it gets any worse?
Olivia couldn't focus on Noah, who was tossing his Legos all over the living room carpet, any longer. The audacity of Ed to pick a fight with Rafael at work! Their mostly amicable break-up had happened without much fuss, but then again, she wouldn't put it past him to embark on a rage-filled expedition to the office of his arch-rival. Rafael afraid of Ed Tucker, when he practically made a living from arguing? He must've gotten into Rafael's head - badly.
It was her worst nightmare - Ed continuing to fan the flames of tension when what they really needed was space from the mess she'd gotten them into. And now Rafael wanted her to do damage control. She sighed and hastily typed a reply, while attempting fruitlessly to keep a watchful eye on her toddler.
I'm so sorry, Rafael. I'll talk to Ed and try my best to make things right.
Please do, because I can't get any work done like this. The sooner this ends, the better.
Olivia wondered if it was time to use this as an opening to start a new conversation with Rafael, but decided against it when she realised that she still had to clean up after her son and put him to bed in the next couple of hours. Clearly Rafael had reached out to her only because Ed had backed him into a corner, and she couldn't take advantage of this.
She had to make this right, so she opened a chat that she'd long buried and now dreaded looking at.
Ed, we need to talk. Can we FaceTime later?
She sent the message and immediately dropped her phone on the couch like it was on fire. There was no way that she wanted or could meet him with him in person to discuss this on short notice, and doing it over text just seemed too difficult - FaceTime was the only compromise she could think of. At least she wouldn't have to face him - not directly, at least.
Ten endless minutes later, she got her reply.
Okay. Call me when you're ready.
She'd spoken this call into existence. Now she had to talk down her furious ex-boyfriend - one she'd betrayed. Ed, stop making trouble for the person I cheated on you with? It sounded utterly stupid, but she didn't have a choice. Ed making trouble for Rafael meant trouble for her too, and she couldn't have that happen.
The growing trepidation in her stomach burned all through playtime and bathtime with Noah and the bedtime story she read to him. So much for a relaxed night alone with her son and away from the epicentre of tension that was the 16th Precinct, because now all she could think about was fixing this Ed mess before he could badger Rafael any further.
A glass of wine for liquid courage later, she set her iPad up on the kitchen counter and made sure that Noah was fast asleep before dialling Ed's number.
His image filled her screen and she felt herself shrink just looking at his cold, hostile facial expression. "What did you want to talk about?" he asked, voice flat and emotionless.
He wasted absolutely no time. From the slightly grainy image she could make out his worn living room couch and old NYPD T-shirt - both items she'd seen during her few visits to his apartment. The sad irony that she was getting another look inside only after they'd broken up wasn't lost on her, but she had something else far more pressing on her mind.
"I need to talk to you about what happened with Rafael in the office today," she said, tone echoing his curtness. Keep it together, Olivia.
"He already told you about it? I'm not surprised. What about it?" he asked casually, as though nothing had happened at all, although his sarcasm clearly stung.
She sighed disapprovingly. "Rafael told me that you stormed into his office, picked a fight with him about me, and then threatened to tell everyone about what happened! Why the hell did you do that, Ed?" She kept her voice down, conscious of Noah sleeping in the next room, but trusted that she'd made her anger abundantly clear to him.
She needed answers, and she was going to get them from him now.
Ed barely suppressed an eye roll. "You're siding with Rafael just like that? You didn't even ask for my side of the story," he retorted, Rafael's name slipping off his tongue mockingly.
Olivia pretended that she hadn't flinched. "What "side" is there to talk about? You could have settled this civilly with him outside of work. Instead you barge in and make threats? Please tell me you're not serious about that."
"See, it's always like this with you. Sticking up for Barba, throwing me under the bus. You two don't have to try so hard to hide it anymore - I know you've been screwing behind my back. Pretending that our break-up was because of just you? Acting all noble and "letting me go" because I deserved better? You never were going to tell me that you were fucking him all along, were you?"
"Ed, Rafael and I are not in a relationship," she insisted firmly. "We are friends. Nothing more. Nothing happened after we slept together that one time."
"You two even coordinated your stories. Wow," he retorted sarcastically. "You don't have to hide it anymore, Liv - I know about the kisses, about the time you went to his apartment. I know you went to screw Barba for revenge. Because you two didn't have the balls to confront me about my mistake, to my face..."
Fuck. He knew. Rafael had told him everything.
Had Ed forced that out of him? Had Rafael snapped under pressure? Her mind was moving at a million miles an hour, generating new questions, until…
"Hold on. What are you talking about?" she interjected urgently. "Confront you about what? What mistake?"
She racked her brains, but nothing came up. She stared at the grainy image on the screen in confusion. Did Rafael know something about Ed that she didn't?
He angrily ran a hand through his hair and stared into the camera lens. "Don't feign ignorance. You really didn't have to go so far to get back at me, Liv. I know Barba told you everything. You two didn't have to punish me like this for something that happened five years ago. I cheat on Rita Calhoun once and you two act-"
"What?" All sense fled her body and Olivia's jaw dropped. "You cheated on Rita Calhoun?!"
It felt like the room was spinning. She suddenly became conscious of the death grip she had on her iPad; the deadly silence of her kitchen; her rapid breathing and shaking legs.
Ed cheated on Rita Calhoun?
There was no faking a reaction like this, and Olivia watched Ed's face fall realising that he'd said too much. They awkwardly averted each other's gazes, the only audible sounds the crackling of the FaceTime audio, until she took a deep breath and picked up where they left off. The sooner they ended this call, the better.
Even with the new can of worms she'd opened, she had to make things right for Rafael.
"Ed, you need to stop bothering Rafael and threatening him like that," Olivia finally said, this time more calmly and seriously. "I know it's not my place to ask you when I'm the one who messed up, but I know this isn't you, so please…"
The screen turned to black before she could complete her sentence.
Shit.
Ed had hung up on her.
Olivia shut down the iPad and shoved it into her kitchen drawer, unable to stare at the screen for a second longer. Now she wished she'd taken the time to meet Ed in person instead of calling him like this, because now she had no clue what Ed was going to do next.
Ed cheated on Rita Calhoun.
She stumbled to her bedroom and collapsed onto her bed, the glass of wine she'd chugged now making her feel incredibly nauseous. She'd lied to Ed, of course, but now she knew that he'd lied to her too. And she didn't know what to make of that.
Worst of all, she didn't have a clue if she'd talked Ed out of his rage, although her gut was telling her that she'd only made it worse.
Olivia grabbed her phone from her nightstand, feeling its heaviness in her palm as she contemplated her words.
I'm sorry, Rafael. I'll make things right.
She ran her thumb over the "send" button, but couldn't find the courage to hit it.
Amanda sprinted up the staircase, desperate to be free of the musty scent of the basement of the Manhattan DA's office. She quickly glanced at her phone and found a text from Fin, telling her to meet him by the building entrance, and made a beeline for the brass doors.
Sunlight drenched her, reminding her how beautiful a day it'd been until she remembered that she and Fin had "friendly chats" with a familiar face who'd recently joined the Conviction Integrity Unit. They'd cursed how last-minute and abrupt these "chats" were as they sped towards 1 Hogan Place, wondering what business Ed Tucker had with them, although Amanda had a nagging feeling that it had something to do with his recent break-up.
Now, three hours later, she didn't know what to make of what had just happened in that stuffy basement interview room. Sure, it wasn't IAB with its clinical, white-washed walls and uncomfortable metal chairs, but even the leather-padded seats and oak tables didn't make her feel any more at home.
"Hey, thanks for waiting," she said when she noticed Fin standing at the street corner, two fresh cups of coffee in hand.
"Tucker gave you hell in there?" he asked sympathetically as she composed herself and gratefully accepted the piping hot cup. "You were inside for awfully long."
"So were you," Amanda noted. "I've never been more grateful to stretch my legs," she groaned, as they made their way back to the car. Typically she spent boring interrogations tapping her foot to the rhythm of The Devil Went Down to Georgia, but the awkward table and chair heights in the DA's office made even that much-needed distraction impossible.
"So… what did he ask you?" Fin asked casually.
She scratched her head. "I got some weird questions in there. Don't know what to think. That was one weird "friendly chat"."
Fin cocked an eyebrow and lowered his voice. "Did he bring up the gambling problems again?" That was a subject no one in the precinct liked to bring up, but it was just like Ed Tucker to zoom in on that, and he hoped that the incidentfrom a couple of years ago that almost cost her her badge wasn't going to come back to haunt them all.
Amanda let some relief wash over her. At least Tucker hadn't pried into her personal life again - not like he could, with this new job. "No, and thank God he didn't, but he kept asking me about… Liv and Barba?" she remarked quizzically.
Fin frowned hearing Olivia's name. Was it really appropriate of Ed Tucker to question Amanda about her when their break-up was so fresh? "Liv and Barba? That's kind of inappropriate, is it not? What did he say?"
"Um, something about whether I ever suspected prosecutorial misconduct, or someone in the squad having undue influence on trials or legal proceedings," she muttered. "I don't know, Fin, it just seemed odd to me. One minute we were talking about filing evidence and suddenly he's going on about our squad's relationship to the DA's office. He even asked me if I think Liv has "significant sway" on the way Barba tries his cases? He definitely wants to know more about whatever's going on between them."
A look of astonishment crossed Fin's face as he replayed the "friendly chat" he'd spent the last hour trying to forget in his head. "Hold on. Now that you mention it… he asked me a bunch of weird questions too. Stuff about working with ADAs, how closely we work with Barba compared to our previous ADAs, the whole "undue influence" issue… And you're right, the questions did come out of nowhere. But why? I know he just broke up with Liv, but did Barba do something to piss him off too?"
"I think Tucker was trying to get something out of us…" Amanda said hesitantly as she fiddled with the lid of her coffee cup, deep in thought. "I could be completely wrong on this, Fin… but I think there's something going on between Barba, Liv and Tucker."
"You mean all the funny stuff you noticed between the three of them a couple of months ago?" he frowned, recalling the times they'd quietly wondered about Tucker showing up at the precinct every single day, which now seemed like an eternity ago. No one had dared to ask Olivia what was going on, but it was becoming clear that now was the time to start asking questions.
"Not just that. Liv and I had dinner a couple of weeks ago and she told me that she and Barba are having some kind of personal feud. And don't get me started on all the weird stuff that's been happening in the precinct. Either they're joined at the hip or not talking at all, and surely it can't just be related to the cases we're working on."
Fin took a slow sip of his coffee as he put two and two together. He hated speculating about Olivia's often-complicated personal life, in the same way that Olivia never probed into his, but what Amanda said was starting to make sense…
"The timing's weird. Tucker breaks up with Liv, Liv stops talking to Barba, and now all these questions about whether Liv and Barba are too closely involved under the guise of a work interview? I was so uncomfortable the whole time Tucker was talking to me. Something isn't right here, and I don't think it's just a work problem." Amanda's senses were screaming at her, and she prayed that Fin had caught on too so she'd know for sure that she wasn't going crazy.
"So... your theory is that something is going on between Tucker, Barba and Liv… and Tucker's trying to use his job to get to the bottom of things?" Fin asked cautiously. The timing of it all did seem eerie, and he'd definitely wondered what had caused their most dedicated ADA to disappear for a whole month, but only now did that sudden departure feel like part of a larger problem.
"Something smells fishy. Feels like Ed's got a grudge against Barba… and maybe Liv. I know Liv's personal life is none of our business, but I really don't like that Ed's poking around our cases…"
Fin sighed, but had to agree with Amanda. If the Conviction Integrity Unit was going to start looking into SVU's cases, he needed to be sure that Ed Tucker wasn't going to screw them over over some secret grudge, or worse - concoct something where there was nothing (one of his talents, of course). "I don't like this either. Since when has Ed Tucker been unprofessional at work? He's got such a massive stick up his ass, I bet he reads the NYPD code of conduct as a bedtime story. This isn't right. Something's gotten into him."
"I think we need to talk to Liv about this when we get back. Look, I know you don't like poking into Liv's life but…"
"Between Barba disappearing and all this, I think this is more than just Liv's personal life we're dealing with now. We need to know what we're dealing with here, before Tucker calls us for another interview. Then at least we can get our stories straight and know what to say to him," Fin rationalised. "We're in deep enough trouble as it is without Barba around. The last thing I want is for Tucker to screw her - and us - over even more."
Thank God he's on the same page, Amanda thought, because it usually took a hell of a lot convincing to get Fin to dig into Olivia's personal affairs. Whatever was happening in her life, it felt the entire squad was suffering for it, and no one was enjoying this.
They had to get the whole truth from her, not just some evasive half-truth like what'd she mentioned over spaghetti in Amanda's apartment that night.
Fin started the car and they sped off in the direction of the precinct, and hopefully some answers.
Rafael stared blankly at his laptop screen, his finger absent-mindedly circling the rim of his coffee cup. 20 unread emails, an unfinished presentation on Frye hearings for the following morning, and the J Crew webpage where he'd unsuccessfully shopped for his mother's birthday gift, but he was in no mood to attend to any of those looming tasks.
Had it really only been two days ago that Ed Tucker had stood in this very office, eyes boring through his soul?
Olivia still hadn't responded further to Rafael's desperate text message pleas to talk the man out of his rage, but judging from Tucker's conspicuous absence from the hallways around Rafael's office, his anger seemed to have dissipated slightly. Carmen kept an ear to the ground for any rumours of unsavoury conduct in the office, and she hadn't remarked on anything seeming out of the ordinary. Maybe Tucker had come to his senses, or better - maybe Olivia had successfully convinced him to let this go for everyone's sake.
Still, the uncertainty ate away at Rafael, and he wondered if the worst was yet to come. He felt like a sitting duck - a fucking stupid sitting duck.
A knock on the door interrupted his train of thought. "Mr. Barba? Can I come in?"
Rafael motioned for Carmen to enter. "Ed Tucker passed me in the hallway when I was on the way to the bathroom. He wants to know if you've seen his email from this morning."
Fuck, so much for Ed not bothering him any longer. What did he want this time? His eyes shot open when he scrolled to the email.
"The Conviction Integrity Unit wants to interview me? Ed Tucker wants to interview me?" he asked incredulously. This couldn't be good.
"I saw Detectives Rollins and Tutuola come in for an interview with Ed Tucker this morning. I think he's looking into SVU's cases," Carmen pointed out casually, clearly unaware of what that meant for all of them.
Rafael chewed on his lower lip and stared at his screen. Please reply to this email with your availability as soon as possible. That was the last thing he wanted to do - sign up to sit in a room with his new arch-nemesis for an hour as he grilled him on potential prosecutorial misconduct, and likely his involvement with a certain SVU detective. Was this what detectives felt like when they had to go to IAB?
"Do you want me to send him your schedule, Mr. Barba?"
"It's fine, Carmen - I'll take care of it. Don't worry," he replied, although his mind was filled with nothing but worry.
"Alright, then." She quietly closed the door behind her.
He knew for sure now - nope, things weren't over with Ed. Anxiety flooded his body for the umpteenth time in the last couple of days, and he just knew that he was going to sweat through his freshly-pressed shirt and jacket. If that wasn't annoying enough, now he had to think about how to spin this interview with Ed. Either Olivia hadn't talked to Ed yet, or worse - she'd talked to him and failed to calm him down.
Rafael racked his brains for anything else that he could do. Show that his conscience was clear by attending the interview, although that would mean having his history with Olivia taped and memorialised? Go to Ed's office right now and apologise until Ed agreed not to tell the entire DA's office and NYPD about them? Do nothing and hope that he would calm down naturally?
Nothing sounded appealing, and Rafael itched to scream at something, or someone.
And so he whipped out his phone and fired off a text to the one friend he knew would be fine with him screaming his sorrows at her.
Rita, I'm in pretty deep shit here.
Please don't be in court, please don't be in court, he chanted under his breath, because he didn't think he could sit still that long. A comforting ping arrived a few minutes later - thank God that Rita and her phone were surgically joined.
Shit. What happened?
Ed Tucker. He's furious, he typed with trembling fingers. The last thing he wanted to feel - fear.
Call me.
He picked up the phone and told Rita everything the instant she picked up, not caring that he sounded like a rambling mess - the argument in his office, how he'd accidentally brought up Ed cheating on Rita, the CIU interviews. Three months ago his worst enemy had been whatever slimy defense attorney would pop up in court and then disappear for three months until they faced off in another case; now he was squaring off against one very well-connected and high-profile former NYPD captain.
All because he'd fallen in love with Olivia Benson.
"I don't know what to do, Rita. You know him - is he really going to screw us over?" he asked in a blind panic, desperate for any crumb of information that would help him make sense of the situation.
Rita's voice, firm and assertive as ever, steadied him. "You stay where you are and don't do anything. Don't talk to him, don't reply to his emails. I'm going to see what I can do."
Before Rafael could ask her what exactly she intended, she uttered a quick "I need to be in court, talk more later" at him, and the line went dead. He ached to know what Rita had up her sleeve, but knowing her and her tone, she meant business. He was going to trust her.
"Liv, are you free to talk?"
Olivia looked up from her text conversation from Lucy and found a very-concerned looking Fin in the doorway, with an equally concerned Amanda right behind him. Shit, what had their incompetent replacement ADA - the one that Jack McCoy couldn't have replaced because of a "manpower crunch" - done this time?
Right - they'd just gotten back from their sudden and very bizarre "friendly chats" with Ed at the DA's office, which she was 100% sure weren't "friendly" or just "chats".
She wasn't about to tell them that she'd spent the entire time they were away fretting over what they were being asked in that room.
That only reminded her that she still hadn't figured out what she was going to tell Rafael about Ed, because she hadn't figured out what to do to get him to back away once and for all, but now wasn't the time to think about that.
"Come on in."
Fin shut the door behind him, and Olivia stared at her detectives, who stood in an awkward silence like they had a lot on their minds. "Are you going to just stand there, or do you have something you want to talk about?" she asked with a hint of irritation in her voice.
Amanda looked to Fin, eyes screaming at him to open his mouth first on account of his much longer friendship with Olivia. "Liv," he began tentatively. "Is everything okay between you and Tucker?" He slid into one of the chairs in front of her desk, Amanda quickly following suit.
She raised an eyebrow. "Why do you ask that?" she asked, although she already had an idea of the answer.
"Tucker asked the bothof us questions that we thought were rather… inappropriate for an interview, and we were hoping you'd know why he asked them," Fin added cautiously, Amanda nodding in agreement.
"Inappropriate how?" Olivia did not like where this was going. Ed Tucker, unprofessional at work? This was nothing like the man she knew, or thought she knew.
Amanda nervously laced her fingers together. "He kept asking us about whether or not there was any "collusion" between our squad and the DA's office. Prosecutorial misconduct, influence over the way the ADAs try our cases…" she clarified, lightly emphasising "prosecutorial" in the hopes that Olivia would pick up on the hint without them actually having to ask her directly.
"That sounds reasonable given his new job scope," Olivia noted half-heartedly.
Don't make me say it, don't make me say it.
"Um… I think we need to know what happened between you, Tucker and Barba, Liv," Amanda managed after an arduously long silence.
Olivia's mouth suddenly felt incredibly dry. All she was doing was delaying the inevitable… but she still wanted to drag this out for as long as possible while she struggled to gather her thoughts. Where even was she going to start?
Fin and Amanda exchanged a knowing look, Amanda gesturing for Fin to ask the one question she'd had on her mind for the last couple of months, Fin motioning for her to do it, until Amanda finally opened her mouth, looked Olivia in the eye, and said it once and for all.
"Liv… are you and Barba involved?"
"No!" Olivia fired back instinctively and too emphatically, startling the detectives. "No… I mean, kind of, but… God, I don't know," she blurted out, stumbling over her words. She couldn't even look up and look Amanda and Fin in the eye. They didn't speak, but the shocked looks on their faces told her everything that she needed to know.
For months she'd kept her secret under wraps. It was finally time for it to see the light of day.
And even if she didn't admit it to herself, maybe she wanted to get it off her chest and stop carrying this burden around - and stop punishing the squad, while she was at it.
Fin was the first to speak. "What happened?"
Olivia wished she had a glass of wine in hand, because even telling Fin and Amanda - her friends - about the events of the last few months flooded her body with anxiety. Half of her was screaming to get this over and done with; heck, maybe Fin and Amanda's razor-sharp instincts would help her find a solution to this hell. The other half wanted to curl up into a ball and let the ground swallow her - she'd cheated on a person she loved with a person she'd caught feelings for and just maybe, loved too…
But it was time to end this, even if it physically pained her to admit it.
She took a deep breath and forced herself to rip the Band-Aid. "I know why Ed asked you those questions."
There were a million possible ways to say this; to soften the blow - but there was no point dancing around this any longer, was there?
Her cheeks turned a beet red and pulse accelerated wildly - her body's way of punishing her even before she uttered a single word. Maybe this was God's way of punishing her for a lifetime of running away from her emotions - by making her confront them head-on, right now.
"I cheated on Ed with Barba."
There - she'd said it. The hardest part was over.
"Oh my God, Liv," Amanda muttered before she could catch herself, Fin casting her a disapproving glance. Olivia trained her eyes on the first thing in her line of sight - her pencil-holder - to avoid their gazes, but she didn't have to look at them to know exactly what they were feeling. Fin and Amanda stayed silent, neither ready nor able to find the words to respond or a reasonable follow-up question.
Liv CHEATED on Ed Tucker? It was taking Amanda every fibre of her being not to let her jaw drop open. When? How? Her mind raced as she put two and two together - the tension, the awkward meetings in the squadroom, the relationship problems she talked about in her apartment the other week… Sure, she wouldn't have been surprised in the slightest if Olivia and Barba had feelings for each other - the sexual tension between them could burn up a room. But for Olivia to cheat on Ed Tucker with him? That was the last thing she'd expected her to do.
Everything made sense now - Ed's possessiveness, him leaving IAB, Olivia and Barba's hot-and-cold relationship. Amanda quietly glanced at Fin to see his reaction, but his face was as calm and non-judgmental as it always was with Olivia. She watched the way Olivia's eyes carefully avoided theirs, the subtle hunch of her shoulders - this was tearing her heart apart.
"Are you and Barba… you know...?" Amanda asked.
"I don't even know what we are," Olivia lamented. "We're not dating, we're not just friends. Fuck, I don't know. We haven't been talking. That's why he's taken this leave of absence - he said he needs time to work through some issues," she clarified remorsefully, the words tumbling out of her mouth in a chaotic whirl. Not talking because I was a piece of shit who strung him along.
"But it's temporary, right? He told Carisi and me that he's hoping to be back at the end of his month away," Amanda remarked, hoping that it would alleviate Olivia's worry slightly.
Fin seemed comforted by that information. "You and Barba have always been able to put aside your differences to get the job done. That's a good sign."
"I'm sorry," Olivia said quietly, as she struggled to form a coherent sentence. "I know things have been messy around here, and it's my fault…" None of this would have happened if not for her, and she wasn't sure that she'd ever stop feeling guilty for dragging her squad through this mess, no matter how temporary.
"Stop, Liv," Fin interjected assertively but gently. "Are you doing alright?"
Amanda didn't know what else to do other than cast Olivia sympathetic glances. Olivia looked dangerously close to tears, although she did a remarkable job of preventing them from flowing, and Amanda recognised the look on her face immediately - shame. Olivia was ashamed of everything she'd done. However all this had happened, it definitely had been messy.
"Ed's been giving Rafael hell because he's convinced we've been screwing behind his back, Rafael and I aren't even talking, I can't get Ed to calm down and back away... And we don't have our ADA and now Ed is going after you two too? I can't even think of how I'm going to fix this," Olivia groaned. "You two must think that I'm such a mess."
"Come on, you know that we'd never think that," Fin said reassuringly, to which Amanda nodded in support. "It's not on you if Ed Tucker decides to make trouble - or use his job to get the scoop on you and Barba."
Olivia calmed down slightly - Fin had a point. She couldn't control if Ed decided to be an unprofessional asshole who brought his troubles into the workplace, even if she was the cause of those troubles. The nerve of him to expose her demons, especially when he'd cheated on Rita Calhoun himself…
She and Rafael had that in their arsenal, but this was looking to devolve into a petty high school war that would leave no one unscathed, and there was no way that Rafael would ever betray Rita's trust. He hadn't even told Olivia about what he knew. That left her completely defenseless against Ed's malice, and she didn't know the lengths he'd go to in his rage.
"Is there anything we can do to help, Liv?" Amanda finally chimed in.
Olivia didn't have to tell them to keep this under wraps - she knew that they'd never breathe a word about this to anyone. But even the unspoken promise of their confidence wasn't enough to keep a quiet defeat from sinking in. "What is there that any of us can do? I tried to talk to Ed again, but he's not responding to any of my messages. I'm just sitting around, hoping that he won't do anything to completely torpedo my professional reputation."
Fin and Amanda looked at each other defeatedly, acknowledging that Olivia was right. They could hold firm if Ed Tucker called them in for another "friendly chat", especially since they knew for sure that Olivia and Barba weren't actually involved, but what use did that have when Ed had already convinced himself otherwise?
Olivia quietly straightened her blazer and adjusted her glasses, to prove to her detectives - and herself - that she still could function, even if she was a shell of her former self. "Let's just hope Ed lets this go soon and that Barba comes back so things can feel a little more normal. I'll try to talk to Ed again. We need to try to keep things running as normally as we can - at least until I fix this mistake."
The detectives took the hint and got out of their seats to leave as Olivia ran her fingers through her hair in an attempt to look at least somewhat composed for the rest of the work day. She had her work cut out for her, and she knew she wasn't going to be at ease again until they'd earned back any semblance of normalcy around here.
But she'd finally told her friends about it, and that was a weight off her shoulders that she'd been seeking for so long now.
The calendar on her desk was reminding her that Rafael was due back in the precinct in about a week, and that realisation flooded her with resolve. She wasgoing to talk to Ed. She was going to get Rafael back to work with the confidence that they could do their jobs without Ed's interference.
She was going to make this right, because she had to, even if she didn't know how the hell to do that.
Fin and Amanda walked across the squadroom and returned to their desks in a stunned silence, minds frantically working to process the gravity of Olivia's revelation. As Amanda busied herself by asking her babysitter for updates on Jesse, Fin couldn't help but sneak glances at Olivia through her office window. His heart clenched watching the defeated, soulless way she opened her laptop and idly scrolled.
Ordinarily he'd stay out of Olivia's way unless she asked for his help, but she was struggling hard, and he hated seeing his friend this way. Once again Ed Tucker's shrivelled face and hollow eyes popped into his memory, and he silently cursed the man for being the source of Olivia's pain.
A man who no longer worked for the NYPD and hence didn't have the sway he once had over his detective shield.
Maybe there was something that Fin could do to remedy this situation after all. Ed Tucker had never liked him, and he'd always hated that husk of a man. What more did he have to lose?
The wheels in his head started turning.