Rafael jammed the elevator button repeatedly - in all the years he'd worked with SVU, the NYPD still hadn't cobbled together the funding for an upgrade, and he wasn't looking forward to going back to this after a month away.
But today he found himself grateful for the inordinately long wait time when he saw Olivia approach him from down the hallway, wallet and phone in hand, visibly relieved that he hadn't yet left. "Rafael! Glad I caught you."
He couldn't resist breaking out into a smile. "What's up?"
"I'm heading out to pick up something to eat. Thought we could walk out together," she said casually, although he could tell instantly from the knowing look in her eyes that this was more than just strolling out the precinct. Since when did she step out for lunch - or chase after him in the hallway as he was leaving?
But he was glad she had.
"So… how was your time away?" Olivia started nervously as the elevator doors closed behind him, her eyes peeled to the buttons. God, how had even a simple conversation become so difficult? In front of her squad she'd been able to keep her cool, but now, just three feet away from him in this stuffy metal box, his Terre D'Hermes heavy in the air, she felt her heart race wildly in her chest.
"Pretty good. Turns out summer interns and new ADAs aren't nearly as annoying as I thought they were," he quipped with a dry chuckle. "But it's nice to get back into practising law, instead of just talking about it."
Olivia laughed nervously, her fingers fiddling awkwardly with the zip of her wallet as she closely inspected his face. He did look grateful to be back - the sincerity in his voice was real - but she could just feel the nervous energy emanating from him, equal parts terrifying and unsettling. She wanted to get this out of the way; extinguish the final embers of their tension, just as much as he did.
They turned the corner outside the precinct, Rafael quietly savouring the way the evening breeze caressed Olivia's hair, although the awkwardness between them was palpable. This was the first time they'd been alone together since that tense, tear-filled meeting right after her summer trip to Paris, and neither wanted to be particularly gregarious. They strolled down the sidewalk tentatively, hands just grazing but hyper-conscious of the distance between them, Rafael instinctively keeping his distance just in case Olivia wasn't comfortable with it.
He didn't mind doing that, not one bit. He could keep her at arm's length and get his job done if that was what she wanted. But he realised in that moment that it was the uncertainty he couldn't live with. It was taking so much willpower for him not to reach out and take her hand in his. She was single, he was single, they both had feelings for the other… there was nothing stopping him from doing it, except the crushing weight of their recent history.
"I guess we ought to talk about… everything," she finally broke the silence, her footsteps slowing to a languid, uncertain shuffle.
Finally, she'd ripped the Band-Aid. No time better than the present. "We should. Before things get too crazy around here," he affirmed.
She nodded; this was one discussion they desperately needed to have, before a new case landed in their laps and all their bandwidth went to chasing after perps and frantically prepping for a trial. "Guess there's no use beating around the bush, then. You want to go first?" she offered. He'd been the one to leave; to decide that he needed some distance from her - she needed to let him take the lead on this.
He didn't know if he wanted to go first. All weekend he'd racked his brains thinking of what to say when this topic inevitably came up. But nothing seemed right to him - at least when he was contemplating things in his living room, without the presence of an affirming nod or knowing glance from Olivia that never failed to steady him when he had to make a big decision.
"Well, with all that's happened…" he started hesitantly, "I think we're going to have to make sure we can still do our jobs." An easy one to start things off, he thought - there was no way that Olivia would disagree with this.
"Of course," she nodded. "Jobs first. We can do that." Hopefully, it wouldn't be a case of it being easier said than done.
"Does the rest of the squad know about… us?"
Did he really want to know? But he knew that it would eat away at him if he didn't get this out of the way right now.
Olivia grimaced. "Fin and Amanda do, Carisi doesn't. I'm sorry, Rafael, they were asking questions after Ed called them in for their interviews and…"
"No, it's fine," he interjected. "I know the circumstances forced your hand." Of course the knowledge that other people knew of what had happened made him profoundly uncomfortable, but the whole squad not knowing was wishful thinking at this point. At the very least, Fin and Amanda weren't going to tell the entire NYPD about it.
She was visibly relieved to hear that. "Now that that's out of the way, that leaves… us." Olivia met his gaze, silently beckoning for him to take the cue on this - she'd dragged him into this mess, after all, and she couldn't possibly be asking him to work on her terms. Maybe that month away had given him some food for thought.
"The last time we pretended that nothing had happened between us, that ended miserably, so I don't think we should do that again." Sure, it wasn't as though it was entirely their fault things had gone so awry - the BX9 threats and Mike Dodds' passing had made the already-volatile situation even worse - but there was no way that Rafael would be able to live with himself if they simply buried their feelings indefinitely. "What I said to you at the cafe still stands, Liv. You know how I feel about you, about us. But we can't rush into anything - heck, we can't make any decisions right now," he said cautiously, his green eyes tinged with hesitance. He silently prayed that her feelings for him hadn't suddenly extinguished in his absence from the squadroom, and got his answer immediately when the trepidation in her eyes quickly melted into affection - a sad, subdued affection, but affection nonetheless.
He was right. It was taking so much willpower for her not to reach out and take his hand in hers; to tell him that she was ready to take a chance with him and start afresh.
She wanted that, oh so badly, but a part of her knew that they weren't ready. Especially not when things felt this precarious.
"So, what should we do about it now?" she asked.
"We need to be able to sit in a room together without feeling like we're going to start making out any second," he blurted out.
Olivia winced, making him regret his choice of words, and he felt his face turn red. How he'd become a blubbering mess, he didn't know, but deep down he knew that he'd meant it. It seemed like every single time they were alone together made tensions run too high for comfort, and they couldn't have that bleed into their work.
"Look, if things are ever going to feel normal again, it means we're going to have to put up with some shit at work. We're going to be stressed. Irritable. We'll fight over cases and get in each other's faces and…" he sighed deeply. "We need to be fine with that. And…"
"And?" she pressed.
"I need to know that we're going to be okay even if that happens," he managed, his voice finally cracking. "We're not going to get anywhere if we bottle everything up and pretend nothing ever happened when we run into issues at work. I think we need to talk, Liv."
It was like he'd read her mind. "I want that too," she replied softly.
How had they not realised two months ago that this had been the very simple solution all along? To just talk about their feelings before they exploded?
This time, she was determined to get that right.
She felt herself relax seeing the look of relief on Rafael's face. "Getting this right this time - it's important to me. I miss what we had before all this went down," he confessed.
Olivia felt her heart clench. God, she missed that too - how they'd fiercely debate their cases, other times cracking them just by exchanging a knowing glance, but always with the knowledge that they'd be able to enjoy a relaxed drink and laughter at the end of the day. "You have no idea how much I miss that, Rafael. I want to make this right, too."
They paused on the sidewalk outside Olivia's favourite take-out joint, Rafael turning to look her in the eye. Olivia stared into their azure green, suddenly feeling all the anxiety and tension she'd been carrying in anticipation of this day melt away - she had him back by her side, and they were on the same page. This discussion had gone much better - and faster - than she'd anticipated.
Maybe Rafael and I are still in sync after all.
She didn't have to rush this, she suddenly realised, because things were only going to get better from here. At least, she hoped that they would.
"It's nice to be back, Liv," he smiled.
"It's nice to have you back, Rafael," she beamed.
"I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Of course."
He headed in the direction of 1 Hogan Place while Olivia dipped into the diner for her lunch, Rafael sneaking a furtive glance at her as he walked away. They were going to take things slow; they were going to get things under control.
Hopefully they didn't get a massive case that'd derail all their efforts.
Any hope of a peaceful first fortnight back fled Rafael's body when Carmen stormed into his office one evening, frantically waving her phone in his face.
"Mr. Barba, I tried to call you just now but I figured you were still in those meetings. You need to see this."
Storming in was very uncharacteristic of his mild-mannered paralegal, and Rafael's heart stopped momentarily hearing her desperate, urgent tone. Shit, he hadn't checked his phone for multiple hours after it'd run out of juice in the middle of a series of important DA briefings, and now he was regretting not asking one of his fellow ADAs if he could borrow their charger.
Carmen practically slammed her phone on his desk and he realised that it was her Twitter feed. He anxiously scanned the top tweets, swiping through them with a vengeance.
Hero detective disarms unaccompanied child with loaded gun in Central Park.
Rafael's eyes shot open when he saw the grainy cell phone image accompanying the tweet.
Lost child in Central Park points a loaded gun at NYPD lieutenant.
The tweet was accompanied by a video of the incident, and Rafael felt his heart drop realising that the NYPD lieutenant in question was none other than Olivia Benson - with Noah in tow.
"Fuck. When did this happen?" he cursed.
"Early this morning. Videos and pictures went viral a couple of hours ago. The reports say she and Noah are unharmed, but I thought you'd want to know."
He cursed again and glanced at the clock. It was past 4pm, which meant that this had happened to Olivia many hours ago and he hadn't reached out to check on her. Even the knowledge that she'd emerged unscathed didn't bring much comfort, and he itched to get out of this office before his worry consumed him.
"I'm going to the precinct," he declared without a second thought. "Call me if anything crops up."
Even before Carmen nodded, he was halfway out the door, jacket and phone in hand, and sprinting out of the DA's office, impervious to the people waving hello in the hallway or the chatter of passers-by by the entrance.
He didn't know why the fuck he was running; why the fuck he was so anxious to see her again when the fucking New York Times had confirmed that she and Noah were unhurt. He didn't know why he was so worked up over Olivia when it was the first thing they'd promised each other just a few days ago - to put work first, to make sure that they got off on the right footing, which meant very carefully controlled footing.
But he couldn't not let his legs take him there, to look her in the eye and feel her in the flesh and know that she was alright.
His mind wandered back to the cavernous church where they'd shed tears over Mike Dodds; the debilitating anxiety that'd flooded his body when he'd learned that there was a situation involving Mike and Olivia at the Munson house that still felt fresh. And he remembered the emotional exchange they'd had in his hotel room after... although he quickly banished those thoughts.
Danger was part and parcel of her job, and he knew that better than anyone after four years of friendship, but shit, a child had pointed a gun at her and Noah. She'd been a single finger twitch away from the unthinkable.
"Liv!" he almost screamed at her when he saw her on the sidewalk outside the precinct, handing a fistful of bills to the man at their usual coffee cart.
A startled Olivia, still visibly on edge, quickly surveyed her surroundings for the source of the familiar voice, but quickly relaxed when she laid eyes on one very sweaty and exhausted Rafael Barba approaching her.
"Holy shit, Rafael. Did you run here from the office?" she asked incredulously.
"I'm so glad to see you, Liv," he managed in between extremely laboured breaths - running was not his choice of cardio, especially in the summer months. "I just had to check that you were okay."
He realised as he said that that it'd come out far more emotional than he'd intended, but all rationality and self-control had flown out the window for a few seconds as it finally sank in that Olivia was alive and well enough for a coffee break.
"I'm fine, Rafael," she said, her hand gently grazing his shirt sleeve. "I can't believe you ran all the way here," she quickly added when she saw the beads of sweat dot his forehead, although not in a callous way - a part of her still couldn't believe that he'd come all the way here for her.
"And Noah?"
"He's at home. Thank God he didn't fully comprehend what was going on. Told Lucy to keep the TV off until the media frenzy dies down."
He followed her back into the squad room, and made sure to sit right under the AC vent in her office before the sweat ruined his freshly-pressed shirt. "I responded to a lost child call from a uni, and brought Noah over to check it out, and all of a sudden he takes a gun out of his backpack and points it right at me," she explained once he'd caught his breath. "Had to knock it out of his hands before he could hurt anyone."
"Good God," he mumbled. "Are you doing alright?"
"I'm fine, really," she assured him yet again, although she quickly frowned when she caught sight of the time. "But it's been eight hours and we still haven't found the kid's parents yet. I just feel so…"
"Responsible?" he completed. "Because you found him?"
Olivia nodded, taking a second to revel in the fact that Rafael knew her this well - so well that he could complete her sentences, although she hardly had the bandwidth to focus on that much longer when she had a much more important task on her hands.
"That kid pointed a loaded gun at you, Liv. There has to be more than meets the eye," he theorised. He had no plausible theories to offer for what had happened, but frantically searching his mind for some was the only thing keeping him from a full-blown anxiety attack in her office.
"We'll see. Carisi, Fin and Amanda are in Queens checking out the apartment of a man named Luka Terzik - maybe he's the father."
He raised an eyebrow, silently asking why didn't you go with them?
"I don't think I could look that guy in the eye. What kind of parent lets a four-year-old carry a Glock in his backpack? All I could think of was Noah, Rafael. They're practically the same age, except that one of them could've gotten all of us killed."
Rafael nodded sympathetically. "You handled it like a pro, Liv. Now we just have to get to the bottom of this and make sure this kid's safe."
"Speaking of the devil…" she muttered as she picked up her ringing phone, "it's Fin, probably with an update."
A cacophony of noise piped through the speakers the instant Olivia accepted the call and she frowned - what on earth? "Liv, you're going to want to see this," Fin half-shouted over the noise.
"What the hell is going on there, Fin? Why all the sirens?"
"Check your messages. I just sent you a photo. We had to call in ESU and the big brass."
Holy shit, she and Rafael mouthed in sync, as she opened the notification she'd just received and motioned for Rafael to come over and have a look. Joint Terrorism and the bomb squad?
They stared, mouths agape and eyes wide as saucers, at the image that now filled her screen.
"This isn't just a missing kid, Rafael. We have a terrorism case on our hands," she finally said, her voice trembling.
Rafael's stomach was in knots. First the Central Park incident, and now terrorism? He just knew to expect a call from Jack McCoy about it within the next hour.
They both had their work cut out for them.
Without a second thought, Rafael reached out and instinctively squeezed Olivia's hand for support, savouring one last moment of peace before the squadroom became a frenzy of activity. I've got your back, he mouthed, feeling her ground him as she squeezed back.
Her eyes met his and she cast him a quick - but nervous - smile as she picked up her phone and dialled William Dodds' office.
Everything was up in the air, but Rafael just knew that it was going to be a tense and difficult road ahead, and he silently prayed that they wouldn't cave to the pressure.
"This woman was brutalised, Chief."
Olivia looked absolutely exhausted - the combination of a sleepless night and increasingly complicated terrorism case had a way of draining all their souls - but the sense of urgency in her tone cut through any hints of tiredness.
Dodds was unmoved. "Okay, she was raped. Doesn't mean she didn't kill Flannery or that college kid who passed 20 minutes ago."
Rafael remained silent as he shifted his gaze between Olivia and the visibly stressed Deputy Chief, feeling the temperature in the room rise with every barb they traded. None of them had slept much in the last couple of days, the city was in a panic, and it seemed like the top brass wanted answers immediately, leaving them scrambling to get everything together under what felt like impossible circumstances.
The icing on the cake? Olivia now wanted to run her own career into the ground.
The way she'd stormed off after arraignment the evening before made it obvious that she was determined to pursue Ana's rape case when he just knew that it was the last thing that the top brass wanted. This case is too big, it's too important, given what's been happening lately… he'd told her that very morning the instant he arrived at the precinct, although nothing was going to stop her from marching down to the detention centre to talk to Ana.
Now, a few hours later, Rafael was in the excruciatingly uncomfortable position of actually watching her run her own career into the ground in front of a clearly exasperated Dodds.
Rafael cast a quick glance at her, instantly noticing her flustered manner; the growing impatience in her tone as she attempted to reason with Dodds, who wasn't exactly pleased to learn that the ever-pressing terrorism investigation seemed to be second on Olivia's list of priorities, and wasn't backing down without a fight.
Dodds glanced at his phone and frowned, as though trying to convey the severity of the situation to her. "Deceased's name is Sophie Lewis. 21 years old, from Massachusetts."
Another casualty - and one so young. Rafael couldn't hold it back anymore; he had to jump in before this - Olivia - got too out of hand. "I agree with Dodds," he declared firmly.
Olivia whipped her head around, looking genuinely scandalised by Rafael's sudden interjection, which he tried his hardest to ignore
"The rape claim has nothing to do with the criminal charges. It could make her more sympathetic in the eyes of the jury; raise the question if she really was a willing participant in this crime…"
We can't pursue this case now, he wanted to say, but his tongue felt like lead.
"Put the brakes on the rape investigation for now," Dodds ordered even before Rafael could complete his thought. "At least until the trial is over. Let the defense claim rape all they want."
Thank God that Dodds had made it black-and-white for her, because Rafael knew perfectly well that he couldn't look her in the eye and tell her to wait.
(Especially when he knew, deep down, that she was only doing what she believed was right.)
Olivia's eyes flashed with fury and she raised her hands exasperatedly, body language now combative and tense. "With all due respect, Chief… I can't not do this."
"Why not?!" Dodds snapped.
Rafael resisted the urge to shush him - but if he got any louder than this, they were going to attract unwanted attention from his neighbours, which was the last thing he wanted on this hellscape of a day. The last time he'd seen the deputy chief this emotional was the day he watched him collapse on the hospital floor, and he had a sinking feeling that this situation was only going to implode - and that he couldn't do much to defuse it.
"I'm just trying to do my job," she insisted.
Come on Olivia, give it up. Rafael tried in vain to make eye contact with her. Don't get Dodds even more furious.
"With all due respect, you doing your job cost my son his life!"
Fuck. Too late.
The comment hadn't even been directed at him, but he couldn't even look at Dodds. Instead, he kept his gaze trained on Olivia, whose face crumpled instantly.
Fuck.
"I… uh…" Dodds stammered, his face visibly flushed. "I didn't…"
He glanced at the floor uncomfortably before turning to leave, his shoulders slumped in defeat - or was it guilt? The door closed with a soft click, leaving Rafael with a stunned, visibly hurt Olivia, her eyes watering and breath laboured.
Rafael turned to look at her and lowered his voice to an assuring half-whisper. "He didn't mean it, Liv."
"Sure he did." She paced the room and averted Rafael's gaze. "He's not wrong either," she added sadly.
"Hey, don't do that. You know it's not on you."
"I really wasn't expecting to have to work with him again this soon," she confessed.
"He's still working through it. And you're not responsible for that, okay?"
Olivia looked at him with pain-filled eyes, visibly struggling to believe him even though that was all she wanted, and Rafael instantly was taken back to that gloomy, stormy day in his hotel room - the tears that streamed down her cheeks, the way her voice trembled as she choked out that I killed Mike Dodds, the way she'd collapsed into his arms for support…
Stop it right now, Barba.
This was precisely what they'd talked about and why he'd taken that month off in the first place - how were they going to work together if he felt the urge to take her into his arms whenever they ran into some kind of trouble at work? He crossed his arms and pressed himself against his desk, suddenly overwhelmed by the need to keep some physical distance between him and Olivia before this very dangerous situation went completely awry, even though it was the complete opposite of what he actually wanted to do.
But surely these were extenuating circumstances? Surely it'd be perfectly reasonable for him to do exactly that again - take her into his arms, show her that it wasn't her fault?
Why were things always so damn grey with Olivia Benson?
He'd already lost his cool the morning he'd found out about Ali in the park with her and Noah - he had to harden his heart and focus.
We're going to have to make sure we can still do our jobs. Jobs first. He'd said those very words to her first, and now he was on the precipice of contradicting his own advice. He had to let those words ground him right now, even if that meant staring her down and telling her no, you can't do this. You can't run your career into the ground over this. Because he had to do his job to get her out of this mess.
He had to be a lawyer; an ADA, first.
She cleared her throat and turned away from him, obviously desperate to change the subject, and finally spoke again after much hesitation. "Look, I understand that we all want somebody to pay for what happened, but… I'm not sure that that person is Ana."
"You're wrong," Rafael declared brusquely - maybe too brusquely - before she could elaborate further. "Rape or no rape, she's a killer. That's what I'm going to tell the jury."
It pained him more than he could express to dismiss her - and the case - so callously, but if he admitted that to her, he'd unravel within seconds.
Be a lawyer first, Barba.
"She was beaten and raped less than 48 hours before the attack, Rafael!" Olivia protested, the frustration of earlier quickly seeping back into her voice. "Surely you want justice for that, too?"
"I'm not saying that I don't want that," he sighed. "I'm just saying that we need to know our priorities here, Olivia. Like I told you this morning - the implications of this case… they're too huge to put aside for the rape investigation. She's just as guilty as Luka, rape or no rape, and I'm going to tell the jury that. Read the headlines. Check Twitter. The city is in a panic and we need to sort that out, ASAP."
"You want me to pretend it never happened, then. Like the disclosure never happened."
"I understand why you want to go after this, believe me, but this isn't a normal case," he insisted for what he hoped would be the final time that day.
"Since when do you care about politics?" she asked him incredulously, her nose scrunching as she spat out the final word.
He folded his arms defensively - was that really what she thought of him now? Some kind of political slimebag? It hurt him more than he cared to admit. "I care now, when a civilian and off-duty cop are dead and it could have been much worse had you guys arrived a minute later."
She racked her brains in a vain attempt at a comeback to that, but promptly forgot about that when her phone buzzed with a new message from Fin.
Olivia's face fell for the second time in minutes. "Shit. The DNA came back on the boy, Ali. Armin Sidran's the father."
Rafael cursed silently - he knew exactly where this was going, and as much as he wanted to back her, he couldn't. The thought of that vulnerable young boy being taken in by a horrible abuser made his stomach lurch, but there was too much at stake.
He couldn't let her pursue this case any further. "Liv… I understand…"
She gritted her teeth and cut him off. "If Ana goes to prison and the Feds can't come up with a case against Armin, then that monster is going to get custody of that boy. I can't let that happen."
"Olivia, listen to me. You can't torpedo your career over this," he implored, finally letting his genuine concern seep through. "You know you don't want that. And I don't want that."
"Please don't tell me to drop the case." And you can't convince me otherwise, her cold, hardened expression practically screamed. She angrily grabbed her jacket from his chair and made a beeline for the door.
There was no use talking her out of this, and Rafael let a defeated sigh escape his lips. "Just… promise me you'll give this serious thought," he said, finally taking his professional armour off. "Tread carefully."
"I will." He couldn't tell if she was angry, just determined, or otherwise - but regardless, she was on a warpath he didn't know how to stop.
She slammed the door behind her, leaving him alone in his office once more, his head spinning. The coffee pot he'd put on before this ill-timed meeting hummed quietly in the corner and he quickly downed half a cup, caffeine rushing to his head like a shot of liquid clarity.
Ana Kapic, one half of the duo responsible for the mass shooting in Central Park, has been arraigned by the Manhattan District Attorney's Office. Swipe for the full story.
He promptly deleted the notification and closed the New York Times app before his growing anxiety blossomed into a full-blown migraine.
Fuck, what was he supposed to do? Deny her the part of her job she did best - speaking up for the voiceless - but save her from becoming the latest prey of the sharks that were 1PP and DA's office? Watch her do what he knew was the right thing, while unable to protect her from the consequences?
And what about him? Continue prosecuting Ana without taking the rape disclosure into account, like his bosses needed him to do? Decide that this was the time to take a chance and pursue the case? Work something out with Rita, maybe?
So many questions, and not a single clear answer to them. Things were always too damn grey with Olivia Benson - but especially now.
The growing case file on his desk glinted insidiously in the mid-afternoon sun, and he collapsed into his chair, fingers twirling his gold pen but unable to put a single word to paper. He hoped - although he knew that it was futile - that she wasn't already on the phone with Fin and Carisi, asking them to bring Armin Sidran in for questioning, because that was a potential disaster he couldn't protect her from.
Olivia looked up and groaned when she saw Rafael emerge in the doorway of her office.
Not now - not right after she'd been told by Dodds that the mayor was looking "for a head to serve up on a shiny, silver platter", which was now looking to be hers. Not after they'd already butted heads in the precinct and his office the day before, and when she was in no mood to thrash this out with him.
"You looking for a fight too?" she remarked dryly, her tone flat and unamused.
"I understand what you're doing. It's admirable…"
"But?" she demanded. The last thing she wanted was for Rafael to try to guilt-trip her into changing her mind. "Get on with it."
"But i's stupid, self-centered, idealistic," he spat out. "I told you to tread carefully, and the next thing I know, you're testifying in support of Ana? What the hell, Liv?"
Olivia bristled. This was sounding too much like one very tense coffee shop conversation - one that had resulted in an incredibly messy and complicated month-long saga.
Fuck, this is NOT the time to be thinking about that, she admonished herself. Her mind was all over the place.
"I want to support you on this. I know that Ana deserves justice for what happened to her. But we have to pick our battles here!" he insisted as he flung his briefcase onto her chair. "You'll be lucky if you walk away from this unscathed - especially with the mayor getting involved."
She bit her lip and held firm. "Rape is rape. We don't get to invent our victims or our perps. We hear the evidence and we investigate…"
"Why can't you see that this isn't a regular case, like I've told you countless times? Now is not the time for "business as usual", Olivia. I can't save you if you're going to be completely politically unsavvy about this!" he chided her.
"I've been just fine for the last 17 years staying out of politics," she snapped back. "I keep my hands clean and do my job."
"But you can't bank on that forever. You're good at your job, Olivia, but you're a lieutenant now. You're not going to survive if you can't play the political game. You care about your job and the victims? Great. But you're naive. I'm not going to sit here and watch you get crucified by 1PP because you can't see that not everything is black and white. Especially not now."
First Dodds, and now Rafael. His eyes were cold; condescending. Years of butting heads at work and she couldn't even remember the last time he'd insulted her like this. Or maybe this was the first time, which was even worse.
He is looking out for me; he is doing his job. The explanations for his harsh words were clear as day, but that didn't stop the sting she felt. Was it just the stress of the case getting to the both of them, or had the past month unlocked a side of Rafael she hadn't previously seen before - a colder, more cutting side?
She hated that the line between work and everything else was starting to blur, and was determined to curb this train of thought before it took over everything.
"Don't condescend to me, Rafael," she snarled back. "I'm the only one standing up for Ana while you all throw her under the patriotic bus."
Deep down she'd always had a strong feeling that Rafael knew what she was doing was right, and that he'd support her if he weren't so tied down by all the messy politics… but now she was starting to question that, staring into his resolute eyes; the almost haughty way he stood over her desk and leaned in.
He'd come in here with the singular mission of getting her to change her mind, and that determination scared her more than she wanted to admit.
"I'm just trying to protect you from torpedoing your own career. Now's not the time to be idealistic. Not when the city is in a panic and the brass is looking for someone to pin this on!" he growled.
"Don't make those decisions for me," she said through gritted teeth.
He sighed and lowered his voice. "Anyway, it doesn't matter now."
"What are you saying?" Olivia demanded.
"I came here to tell you the judge ruled in our favor."
Fuck. Another disappointment. "Not our favor. Your favor," she retorted venomously.
"Either way, the rape testimony isn't coming in," he said, consciously lowering his voice to soften the blow. "I'm sorry, Liv," he then added, the gravity of their entire exchange suddenly hitting him when he noticed her disappointment. She rested her chin in her hand, deep in thought, and Rafael took that as his cue to leave without dragging this out any longer, although he couldn't resist sneaking a quick glance at her as he waited for the elevator.
Maybe he'd overstepped with the comments about her glaring lack of political savviness - it'd long been Olivia's Achilles heel and even she knew it, but did he really have to rub it in her face like that, especially right after she'd gotten chewed out by Dodds in front of the rest of the squad?
He'd only said what was on his mind - and what his superiors probably wanted him to say - but the combination of the possibility of Armin getting off scot-free and a defeated Olivia made his stomach lurch.
This case is bigger than the both of us. We need to do our jobs.
But when "doing their jobs" came with their own endless greys, it was easier said than done.
There was no time to think about that any longer, anyway, when he had a meeting with Jack McCoy and a mountain of work waiting for him. He'd talk to Olivia about this sometime, when this frenzy died down, but now was not the time.
Although Amanda and Fin had already told him where to find her, Rafael was still surprised to see her sitting at the Forlini's bar, two seats down from his usual stool, nursing a glass of Cabernet and staring listlessly at the TV.
"This seat taken?" He tapped the stool next to her and made eye contact with Anthony, who promptly poured him a glass of scotch on the rocks.
She looked up from her wine and sighed loudly realising it was him. "If you're here to gloat about the case, spare me. Heck, don't even talk to me about it."
He frowned in confusion. "Why would I gloat?"
"We can't get Armin for the rape after all," she lamented, her shoulders slumped in defeat. Obviously it came as a relief to everyone that Armin was in custody and Ali was safely enroute back to Bosnia, but he'd come here knowing full well that Olivia would be drinking away her disappointment over not nabbing him for the rape - the one thing she'd fought so hard for over the last few days.
Rafael didn't wait for Olivia to give him her permission and quickly slid into the stool next to her, his finger nervously tracing the rim of his glass. "That's not what I'm here to talk about, Liv."
"Here to chew me out for not being politically savvy again?" she guessed, her tone bitter and acidic.
Maybe I should just leave her alone, he thought for a second, but he'd already come all the way here… and she'd brought up the very thing he wanted to apologise for. "I came to apologise. For that."
That must've caught her attention, because she finally put down her wine glass and turned to look him in the eye. Rafael Barba, apologising? He didn't do that especially often, but when he did, he meant it.
"I know we disagreed about how to handle this case. But I shouldn't have insulted you like that, especially when you were already on edge. And I need to apologise for that."
Olivia took a slow sip of her wine and contemplated his apology.
"I let my emotions get the better of me the last few days; I was too harsh on you. I'm sorry, Liv."
He stared blankly at the TV screen above him, half-expecting a fiery retort or well-aimed barb, but was shocked when she cleared her throat and… apologised too?
"No, I'm sorry. You were just trying to look out for me. I should've handled everything - the case, us - with more discretion."
They let a contemplative silence fall over them as they sipped their drinks, impervious to the evening rush that was pouring into the restaurant - their first moment of peace and quiet (in a way) after one hell of a week at work; a peace that came with the much-welcomed realisation that they weren't angry at the other. Suddenly, the tension that had been hanging heavy in the air the last few days dissipated, and he felt his shoulders relax almost instantaneously.
"This has been one heck of a way to get back to business, huh," he remarked after a long pause.
"It sure has," she reflected. "This week has been hell."
Tell me more, his expression said.
"I knew we were going to butt heads about work eventually. I guess I just didn't expect it to happen quite this fast… or quite this explosively." She paused to clear her throat, her words timid and hesitant. "Maybe I was worried that this would be the disagreement that would bring us back to square one, or something even worse than that."
"But we survived, didn't we? We're sitting here now without getting in each other's faces."
"Didn't stop me from getting worried - probably more than I should have - when you stormed into my office that day, though."
"We disagreed all the time before the summer and everything turned out fine. Why should it be any different now?" he offered hopefully. "And maybe… I kind of like this."
Olivia frowned quizzically for a second and he quickly elaborated before she took this the wrong way. "Look," he said, finally leaning in towards her, his arm gently brushing against her side. "We both did our jobs this week. We put the case - or whatever we thought was the best way to handle the case - first. I'd say that's a step in the right direction."
He had a point, and Olivia felt herself relax slightly as she went over the events of the past week with a fresh pair of eyes. There was no Ed Tucker; no awkward moments that blurred the lines between the personal and professional. They'd experienced the lowest lows without regressing into their unhealthy habits. Heightened emotions from the magnitude of this case aside, it felt like they were slowly recovering the way they used to work before their worlds exploded - the high tension and heated office debates that they threw themselves into, knowing that they'd close the case with their friendship intact. That realisation gave her a sense of satisfaction she hadn't felt in months.
"And Liv, just so you know, I really did want to pursue the rape case. I would've prosecuted it to the best of my ability if not for the Feds swooping in," he added.
He didn't even have to clarify that, because she'd known all along, in the deepest recesses of her mind, that he wanted the same thing as her - and the confirmation that he did only brought her more relief. "I know you did, Rafael. And I understand why you wanted to wait before moving ahead with it."
"Well, I know the outcome wasn't quite what you wanted, but at least Armin's in custody and Ali's going to be fine and safe in Bosnia. I think we can toast to that, at the very least."
He raised his glass and gently clinked it against hers, Olivia finally cracking a small smile. It was going to take her some time to get over the sting of having to drop the rape case, but he made an excellent point - they could celebrate those victories, especially after this hell of a week.
They sipped their drinks and laughed softly at the police-themed show that was playing on the screen above them, amused and vaguely horrified by the comic portrayals of their jobs, and watched quietly as doting couples filed in for date nights of pasta and wine. He ordered a basket of French fries - something he never ate, but seemed apt for them to split, and they enjoyed their food in a comfortable silence, eyes heavy with exhaustion but minds finally at ease.
It would have been so easy for either one of them to reach out for the other's hand under the bar, but neither made that move, instead just choosing to relish being in each other's presence. The days of relaxed evenings in this very bar or watching the sunset from one of their offices that had seemed so far away suddenly were a reality again, and neither wanted to disturb the newfound sense of serenity.
"I really should get back to Noah so Lucy can call it a night," she said when she noticed the clock, fries devoured and wine depleted, while trying her best to hide her dismay. This was the most comfortable she'd been around him in a long time, and judging from his expression, he'd felt exactly the same. There was a warmth in his eyes that she realised had returned, and she couldn't hide the smile that emerged knowing that they truly were on the mend.
"I understand. You have a good night, Liv," he replied with a slightly disappointed - but nonetheless understanding - smile. This was the best night they'd had in a long time, and he wasn't about to potentially ruin it by being greedy for more.
She finished the last of her drink and slowly reached for her jacket and purse, milking every second she had with him, the final thing on her mind lingering on her tongue but refusing to spill out. Rafael looked at her expectantly, his arm lightly grazing against her blazer, silently beckoning her to just say it.
"Are we okay?" she finally asked in a concerned whisper, brown eyes suddenly flooded with doubt once more.
"Of course, Liv," he smiled reassuringly, watching her worry evaporate. "Of course."
The way her face lit up made his night a second time over. There still was a long road ahead, but for their first trial - a baptism of fire, practically - they'd done a pretty fine job, and they now had this victory under their belt.
He watched her disappear into the night air, exhausted from the hell they'd only just emerged from, but undoubtedly, undeniably hopeful for what was to come.