Exhaustion poured over Olivia as she tucked herself under the covers and bathed in the silence of her apartment. Noah, completely enervated after a daycare outing to the Children's Museum of Manhattan, had drifted off to sleep almost the second his head hit the pillow, giving Olivia a precious couple of hours to be alone with her thoughts - just what she needed after a whirlwind of a month.

If the cases that'd been tossed their way weren't seismic enough, now she had the tantalising possibility of whatever it was between her and Rafael that she was absolutely convinced would explode soon.

The days between her and Rafael's late-night talk in Forlini's had passed like a foggy haze, but she remembered that conversation with a blinding clarity.

It's especially easy to find the words for you, though.

The way his self-assured smirk had melted into an affectionate and adoring smile - a look that she knew he saved for just her - was burned into her memory, and flooded her with a giddy exhilaration. Things between them had slowly but steadily been going back to normal, but the intensity of his gaze across the table of that Forlini's corner booth had suddenly made her feel like things were moving at a million miles a minute.

The murkiness of the past was coming into clarity by the second.

They'd fought, they'd made up, they'd gone on a break, they'd gone back to work. Ed had gradually faded from her memory, along with the flushed shame she felt thinking about him and Rafael. There was nothing left stopping them from taking the plunge, was there? The certainty - and anticipation - filling her chest was enough to tell her that she was ready.

She absent-mindedly reached for her cell phone on the nightstand and ran her thumb over the Home button. What was stopping her from calling him up right now and telling him that she was ready - that she wanted to be with him, this time for real? She could almost imagine it now - she'd muster the courage to hit "call", and he'd look up from his legal pad or case files or whatever he was preparing for tomorrow's trial, and pick up the phone with that typical gently teasing tone he always greeted her with…

Was it impulsive? Yes. But that was how sure she was - sure of this, sure of herself. She was ready.

But was Rafael ready?

Olivia ran a hand over the unused pillows to her left, the fabric cool to the touch where Ed Tucker's - and once upon a time, Brian Cassidy's - heads once laid. A restless, burning heat pooled between her legs imagining him laying next to her, their bare skin touching, his lips on the cold skin of her neck, their legs tangled…

Even if things between them remained uncertain, she was sure of one thing. She wanted Rafael Barba.

There was no doubt about that.

But she needed to know that he was ready; that he wanted her just as much as she wanted him.

Maybe she'd wait for him to make the next move - leave the ball in his court until he came to her first, especially after all that had happened. He was the one who asked for a break; the one who first wanted to draw boundaries. She'd been an asshole to him and they both knew it.

He had every reason to be careful, and she didn't want to push him - the last thing she wanted was for them to undo all the progress they'd made in the last few weeks.

She turned off the lamp and forced her eyes shut, although the pit of fiery desire in her belly never quite burned out. Waiting on Rafael was the right, sensible thing to do - but it didn't make the wait any less arduous.

Soon. Hopefully.

Across town, Rafael shifted uncomfortably under the covers, the beads of sweat dotting his forehead despite the rapidly chilling fall air his body's way of telling him that something was wrong - that something was weighing on his mind.

He glanced at the small digital clock on his nightstand, the green LED lights glowing ominously in the darkness of his bedroom - 2.30am. He had a full day in court starting at 8am. Which meant waking up by 6.30 and leaving the house by 7 to get prepped and dressed and brew coffee in his office… which meant that he absolutely needed to sleep.

Not lie in his bed, exhaustion penetrating every fibre of his being but his mind frantic and burdened - and with what exactly, he didn't know.

With a guttural groan, he sat up and fumbled around for the switch to his bedside lamp, hoping that making his thermostat even colder than it already was would provide some much-needed respite to the burning heat he felt his body emanate - whether real or imagined. A soft glow flooded his bedroom and he rubbed his eyes tiredly, watching the light reflect off the smooth surface of his silk sheets…

Which he instantly realised were the same sheets that he and Olivia had crashed onto that fateful night.

Fuck.

They'd been laundered many times since that day, of course, but for a few seconds he could almost smell the floral notes of her perfume; feel her bare skin caress his. The realisation that this was what was keeping him up brought far less relief than he hoped.

Hot, aching desire flooded his body, and the growing throb beneath the elastic waistband of his boxer shorts told him everything that he needed to know about what he was feeling.

If it weren't 2.30am, there'd have been very little to stop him from calling her right now and telling her how badly he wanted to be by her side; to run his fingers through her hair and feel her head on his shoulder as they drifted off to sleep.

The memories flooded his mind like a tidal wave - the way the morning sun streamed in the window, how comfortable he felt lying beside her, the blissful few seconds he'd relished the fact that he'd slept with Olivia Benson, before the enormity of what they'd done hit them like a freight truck and he'd been yanked back to reality…

It was a reality they couldn't deny or erase - even now, with all the residual tension seemingly smoothed over. Olivia had still cheated on Ed Tucker. And Rafael had been right in the middle of it.

He wanted to swallow his doubt - to forget the heartbreak of being cheated on, to forget Yelina Munoz, to forget that Olivia had done the very thing that had shattered his heart all those years ago (and never quite left his system).

Olivia won't cheat on me. She can't possibly do that.

It seemed like an irrational fear - one that he felt immensely guilty for even daring to consider. Why would Olivia Benson cheat on him, after how hard they'd fought for this? They were inexplicably drawn to each other even in secret; they'd persisted through the turmoil of the summer. They were inseparable.

Yet Yelina Munoz refused to leave his mind, and he hated himself for it. He and Olivia were finally on the precipice of making the leap, but this just had to resurge right as he was about to plunge in.

The passionate heat evaporated, leaving only a restless, nagging doubt in its wake. Rafael turned off the light and squeezed his eyes shut until his racing mind gave way to a fitful slumber.

It wasn't particularly often that Olivia found herself in a nice Greenwich Village restaurant, with its clean wood furnishings and the lilting tones of Japanese folk music a soundtrack to her udon noodles, but she figured that she could use the evening off for a special occasion.

"I'm surprised you have time for dinner that isn't takeout, Liv."

"I'm surprised you have time for dinner with me, Alex, when you're jet-setting 11 months a year."

Olivia glanced across the table at the former ADA, who looked remarkably relaxed - the natural by-product of her early retirement from the DA's office in favour of extended travels across Europe, including a recent month-long wine tour in France that had Olivia extremely jealous whenever she opened the Facebook app. Now, looking across the table at Alex in the flesh, she still was a little jealous of her friend's immaculately styled blonde mane and sparkling, eyebag-free eyes, but nonetheless happy to have caught her before she set off for yet another exotic locale.

Anyway, it was high time she found a new hobby that didn't entail chasing Noah around the apartment or sitting with Rafael at Forlini's, as much as she loved both - hence her presence at a chic new Japanese restaurant Alex had picked off the Zagat guide at the end of a long day at work.

She couldn't resist breaking out into a smile as Alex entertained her with tales of her travels ("the Cinque Terre is beautiful, it's so much better than Rome"), newfound hobbies ("Japanese flower arrangement - ikebana - is such a beautiful art form"), and the new feminist start-up she'd been working on getting off the ground - something "secret for the time being but so, incredibly exciting", . Maybe Olivia wasn't the kind who'd be able to put down her job and jet-set, especially after her maiden trip to Paris had gone so disastrously, but seeing Alex Cabot happy made her happy too. And that was exactly what she needed right now - something that wasn't her love life - to focus on.

"So… how's everyone doing? How are you doing? I can't believe I haven't met Noah yet. I'd better pay you a visit before I leave again in a couple of weeks."

"Good enough that the squad room hasn't burned down, even with all the awful cases that have come our way lately." Alex nodded sympathetically - it was just their rotten luck that all three of their recent cases had made the national and even international news for all the wrong reasons, reaching Alex even in the middle of the English countryside where she'd been staying. "Fin's his usual self, Amaro's left but we have a great replacement in Carisi, Amanda's really settled into the squad… we're doing pretty alright, considering everything."

Olivia suddenly realised that she'd left Rafael out, but she just knew that Alex would inevitably ask about their ADA, and she was proven right a few seconds later.

"That's good. How's Barba? I've heard that you two are really close."

There it is.

How's Barba? That was a far more enormous question than Alex seemed to realise, and Olivia hesitated for a few seconds, hoping that she wouldn't catch on to her nerves.

How's Barba? Even she wished she knew for sure.

"Well, I'm glad we finally have a solid permanent ADA again. You know it's been a real revolving door since Casey left all those years ago," Olivia explained cautiously. "Looks like SVU's no longer the unit that repels every ADA it gets."

She decided to omit the detail about Rafael almost leaving - and it being her fault. That was one story that could wait.

"Rafael's a great prosecutor. Almost as good as me, if I can say so myself," Alex smirked. He's a great guy - I'm glad SVU got him."

Olivia's eyes shot open in surprise. "You know Rafael? Personally?"

"Of course. We go way back. College and law school at Harvard - the whole seven years. Once a smart-ass, always a smart-ass," she quipped with a dry chuckle.

That was an oddly comforting piece of information that the Alex Cabot of ten years ago would never have shared, but Olivia supposed that her time away from the DA's office had instilled a newfound love of gossip in her. "I guess some things never change. Were you two close?"

"Close enough that we sometimes got lunch or caught the train back to the city together, but not Rita Calhoun close - I know they're still close now. He was always busy. Studying, debating competitions, student theatre… Once I went a whole semester seeing him only in classes, even though he lived down the hall from me," she explained. "Did I tell you that we interned together one summer in law school?"

Olivia's curiosity was piqued instantly. "Really? You've never mentioned that."

An internship was a lot of time to spend with another person, and the realisation that Alex and Rafael were closer than she'd thought was intriguing. The last time she'd managed to meet up with Alex in person, Rafael had hardly been on her radar, but now she felt like a million questions to ask. He had never been particularly forthcoming about his Harvard days and Olivia had never asked why, especially after seeing how self-conscious he'd been about it during the Alex Munoz debacle a couple of years back. Maybe this was her chance to finally find out a little more.

Rafael as a college student? That was one side of him she suddenly realised she wanted to unearth.

"I can't believe this hasn't come up earlier. We were interns at Henshall & Langan after our first year of law school - back when Trevor's dad was running the show, of course. My God, I'd never have expected Rafael to have become the ADA he is today based on what happened that summer. Thank goodness he got his act together after."

"What happened?" Olivia felt a dread pool in her stomach and she had a feeling that she would soon know why.

"He never told you?" When Olivia shook her head, Alex lowered her chopsticks and scanned the restaurant for anyone they knew before continuing, which didn't make Olivia feel any better about what was coming. "Aren't you two close? Has he really never told you about Yelina?"

Yelina? That name sounded awfully familiar.

Olivia racked her brains - had Rafael ever told her about this Yelina, who sounded very much like a former flame? She felt a bitter jealousy sting the back of her throat and berated herself for it instantly. Surely she'd heard the name before…?

Suddenly, it clicked. "Yelina Munoz? Alex Munoz's wife? The mayoral candidate who went to jail for child porn?"

Olivia went over the details of the case in her head and she tensed instantly thinking of how downtrodden and stressed Rafael had looked during the case. Of course anyone would feel that about having to investigate a childhood friend… but maybe there was another layer of entanglement she'd missed?

Alex nodded. "Yup, that Yelina. She and Rafael were joined at the hip all through college - he was always catching the train back to the city to see her on the weekends. Even missed a couple of finals to visit her at Fordham… until that summer, apparently, because he was a mess, and I don't use that term lightly."

Olivia gulped. She did not like where this was going.

"Yelina cheated on Rafael with Alex Munoz. He caught them kissing when he came back to the city a day early to surprise her. Think he crashed on Rita Calhoun's couch the whole summer to avoid having to be in his old neighbourhood, which is probably why he rolled in to work late half the time."

"God, I didn't know any of that," Olivia muttered. The noodles she'd been chewing on suddenly felt tasteless and limp in her mouth, and she immediately downed the rest of her cup of green tea.

He's been cheated on.

It all started to make sense: the cold shoulder, the hesitation, the trepidation, the distances they kept from each other.

He was protecting himself.

"It was painful to watch, Liv. Naturally, the bosses were furious. I honestly can't believe he didn't tell you. It didn't come up when you were going after Alex Munoz?"

"I know that case was hard for him, but I always assumed it was just because he had to put his oldest friend away. I didn't realise he and Yelina had history too," she managed.

Olivia shifted uncomfortably in her seat - there were too many emotions running through her head. Was she jealous of Yelina? After all, she had a piece of Rafael that Olivia would never have access to. Then again, why would she be jealous, when Yelina had made the terrible decision of cheating on Rafael?

But she also didn't miss the reality that she'd made the exact same "terrible decision" with Ed Tucker.

Why hadn't Rafael ever brought this up with her, especially after he'd slept with her? Was he secretly disgusted with her for cheating? Was he disgusted with himself for getting between her and Ed?

And most importantly, what did this mean for them both?

She'd expected light-hearted law school anecdotes from Alex - not information juicy enough to trigger a barrage of uncertainty and questions. Even the ungodly cold air-conditioning in this restaurant wasn't enough to stop her from sweating.

Alex was quick to pick up on Olivia's discomfort, and quickly topped up Olivia's tea cup and tried to lighten the mood. "Thank goodness he got his act together by the time we graduated and found a pretty damn impressive career path. He's still one of the smartest people I know. Funny how much love can mess with someone's head, isn't it?" Alex shrugged off the last remark, but Olivia felt worry pool in her stomach. "Anyway, I'm glad he's doing well - tell him that I say hi."

"Of course I will," Olivia replied, her mouth now completely dry and stomach churning with anxiety.

"Now… let's talk about you. You need to tell me all about Noah…" Alex chimed in cheerfully, once again lifting the mood at their table.

Grateful for the distraction, Olivia reached for her phone in her pocket and started showing Alex one of the countless photos she had of Noah in her camera roll, although the exchange they'd had about Rafael refused to leave her mind all through the rest of the meal.

To be fair, she'd only just told him the truth about her years with Elliot - it would've been unfair of her to expect him to spill the beans on Yelina, especially when she clearly had ripped his heart in half. Half-assing a massive internship at Henshall & Langan? One didn't have to be a lawyer to know how difficult those internships were to land, both past and present - and the dire consequences of blowing an opportunity like that.

That wasn't the Rafael she knew - but then again, what did she really know?

Perhaps he'd never brought it up because he wanted to keep that in the past, but Olivia realised on the long, lonely drive home after dinner that she couldn't possibly not ask him about it, especially when it hit especially close to the situation they'd found themselves in not too long ago.

What if this was holding him back from starting afresh with her?

Did she even want to bring it up, if it meant that everything they'd worked so hard for could very well come crashing down in an instant? A quiet agony started building in her chest.

But sitting on the topic just felt wrong. They'd never get anywhere as long as this elephant remained in the room.

No more secrets between them, right?

In theory it seemed simple enough. All she needed was the right opportunity - and a healthy dose of courage that she hoped would arrive soon. They'd talk about it, get this out of the way, and find out how to work through it together, like they always had. But that almost never translated into practice, and that uncertainty was what truly scared her.

This she knew for sure - she had a lot of thinking to do.

"What's wrong?" Rafael put down his chopsticks and stared quizzically at his friend across the table.

Rita's twinkling eyes met his over the rim of her glass of wine. "Nothing's wrong."

"You're looking at me funny," he observed. "That's the look you save for when you get your low-life clients off scot-free."

"I'm just glad to see you in slightly higher spirits," she smiled as she reached for another piece of sushi. "Things with Olivia are going well, I'm guessing?"

He raised an eyebrow. Rita certainly didn't waste any time. "Bold of you to assume that any improvement in my mood has to be because of her. What if it's just the sushi we're eating?"

"To be fair, Olivia's pretty much the only thing we've talked about for the last couple of months. Ed's gone and you've been back at work for a while now - surely you two have gotten somewhere?"

"Maybe? Yes? Honestly, I don't really know how to answer that question," he murmured doubtfully. Of course he and Olivia had gotten somewhere, considering that they hadn't even been talking at all slightly over a month ago. But he sensed that the "somewhere" Rita was referring to was more than just the casual, supportive banter they'd only just fallen back into - and in that regard, he wasn't even sure where exactly they were.

Rita was genuinely surprised. "You were pining after her all summer. What happened?"

He rolled his eyes. "You make me sound like a lovesick teen, Rita. Pining after her?"

Although she did have a point. They were approaching 50, yet the entire summer had felt like a teen drama storyline come to life. That realisation made him shudder.

"You know I don't mean it that way. But she really had you torn up and it was pretty worrying to see," she remarked concernedly. "Are you two alright?"

"We're alright, I guess. Things between us are good, actually. We're talking again and work is so much better now." At least that was an undeniable reality.

"So... what's the problem?"

"It's not her - it's me," he admitted, his eyes shifting shamefully between her gaze and his empty plate. I feel so pathetic, he lamented in his head, his cheeks turning an extremely uncharacteristic tomato red.

He was acting exactly like a lovesick teen, and that thought filled him with more disgust than he wanted it to.

Rita frowned. "You're having doubts now?"

As much as he hated to admit it to himself or her, the answer to that question was a reluctant yes. Maybe they weren't fully-formed doubts, but he did have reason to pause before he jumped right in with Olivia, and it was getting harder and harder to run away from them.

He took a frustrated sip of his whiskey. "You have no idea how badly I want to finally put an end to all this. We're on the precipice of finally making the next move and I can feel it coming. But now that everything is so much more real, I haven't been able to stop thinking of… you-know-who and what she did to me. And I freeze," he confessed, physically unable to say Yelina's name like he'd been betrayed yesterday.

Fuck, if it's so difficult even to tell Rita, then how am I going to tell Liv?

It took Rita less than two seconds to understand who exactly he was referring to. "Does Olivia know?"

Rafael shook his head. The prospect of sitting Olivia down and telling her all this felt incredibly unappealing. Him, getting cheated on and wasting away a whole summer? Who even was that person?

"What's keeping you from telling her?" she queried gently.

He wished he knew. "Maybe I'm embarrassed," was all he could manage, his cheeks now embarrassingly flushed.

"You know that what Yelina did doesn't reflect badly on you at all, Raf," Rita pointed out reassuringly. "You have nothing to be embarrassed about."

"I know it doesn't, but I was at my lowest that summer." Rafael bristled remembering all the times he'd sprinted into the Henshall & Langan office twenty minutes past reporting time, and the concerned glances of Alexandra Cabot from her desk across his. Thank God it'd been her at this internship with him - at least he hadn't made a complete fool of himself in front of a complete stranger. But it didn't do much to help with the residual embarrassment he still felt over twenty years later. There was a reason he avoided the Henshall & Langan office like the plague.

"That was ages ago and you're hardly the same person now. I'm sure you'd handle it differently if, God forbid, this happened today," she said confidently.

If this happened today. Rafael felt his stomach clench hearing those words and a blind panic consumed his mind.

"But that's exactly my fear. Olivia cheated on Ed Tucker. How can I be sure that she won't cheat on me too?" he blurted out before he had a chance to fully process that thought, his voice trembling.

Great - he'd finally found the exact cause of his worry. But the realisation filled him with more dread than it did relief.

It took a few seconds for the enormity of that confession to settle around them, Rita's confused facial expression betraying the fact that even she had been taken aback by his sudden admission.

"I don't think I have to tell you that not all cheaters are the same. Just because Yelina hurt you badly doesn't mean that Olivia will too. Even if she did that to Ed. She really doesn't strike me as the profligate, serial cheater type."

"I know that, but how do I really know that?" he wondered with a defeated sigh.

"Where is this fear coming from, Raf? It's awfully sudden, especially for you." Rita leaned in and asked him with a grave seriousness, "Are you having doubts only because you're fixating on Yelina, or has Olivia actually done something to make you think that you can't trust her feelings for you?"

That was a very valid question, and Rafael felt some of the doubt in his stomach dissipate.

Sure, Olivia had made a few questionable decisions, but thinking of the way she'd fought so hard to make things right - fought for him - helped his racing mind to settle. She was trustworthy; she'd always been. Olivia was more than just one transgression, and he knew that better than anyone. There was no reason to let Yelina - a demon from his past - ruin something good he could have in the present.

"And the cheating didn't come out of nowhere. You and Yelina were having issues for a long time, Olivia was having her own issues with Ed too. I'm not saying that it justifies anything, but I'm pretty sure it played a part." She took a slow, contemplative sip of her wine. "If I were you, I'd be more concerned with how Olivia is with you and whether or not you think it's good for both of you," she pointed out. "And that's something you need to decide for yourself."

"Even if I do decide, that doesn't take away this stupid irrational fear," he sighed, wishing that he could stamp it into oblivion. Irrationality? He hated that word - and feeling - more than he could describe, but there was no better word for it. It was always these feelings that creeped up on him and kept him awake at night, stubborn and persistent.

"But that's a good thing, right? You know your fears are irrational." Rita looked him squarely in the eye. "You have a choice - you can choose to trust what you and Olivia have; trust what you've seen. I think that deep down, you know what you want."

You have a choice.

It made complete sense. Why hadn't he thought of things this way earlier? He had control over this; control over his feelings. He had to stop himself from sinking too deep into the pit of the past.

You know what you want.

That, he was becoming increasingly sure of.

Satisfied that she'd made the point she intended, she triumphantly stuffed another piece of sushi into her mouth. If they weren't halfway through their meal, he'd have hugged her immediately. Twenty years of knowing Rita and he still could be shocked by her wisdom. It was the reason she made one heck of a lawyer - her ability to analyse any situation that was thrown at her was uncanny. She'd practically held his hand all through the last couple of months.

Rafael looked at his friend in a stunned, appreciative silence, her quiet confidence shining even more than her head-to-toe Chanel ensemble, and suddenly wished for that steely self-assurance that he so desperately needed while figuring his way out of this. He'd been cheated on over ten years before she had - and yet it seemed to barely faze her.

"How did you do it, Rita?" he asked suddenly, after a long pause.

Startled, she looked up from her plate in surprise. "Do what?"

"Move on after a person you love betrays you like that?"

Sadness flashed through her eyes - only for a split-second, but still unmistakeable, and it felt like a prick to his heart. "Do you want the honest answer?"

"You know better than to give me anything otherwise."

"I don't think you ever truly move on from something like that," she declared a little more firmly than he would've liked.

"Wow, thanks for the positivity," he retorted sarcastically, a frown emerging on his face.

She ignored his remark and continued. "It becomes a part of you. You can't pretend it never happened. But you can remember that not everyone is the person who hurt you. You can choose to trust someone else."

He grimaced - it was true, but could he actually do that? "That still doesn't sound particularly optimistic."

"Let me finish. Slowly the hurt and betrayal just... fade away. Perhaps it makes things even better down the road, knowing that you've found someone new you can trust whole-heartedly after getting hurt." Her lips curled into an assuring smile, and Rafael felt another wave of relief wash over him.

He smiled appreciatively at her. "Have I told you how helpful you've been this whole time?"

"Not nearly enough," she winked. "Look - I don't know Olivia as well as you do, but you definitely have sharper instincts than you did 20 years ago. If you really had a bad feeling about her, you'd have run the hell away from her by now. Instead, you've spent the whole summer pining after her. That has to mean something."

He resisted the urge to groan. But Rita was right - she'd been casually dropping wisdom all through this meal. She'd lived through the exact same experience he had. The best thing he could do for himself was to listen to her.

There was nothing more he wanted than to be rid of this doubt and tell Olivia how he felt right now, and he wanted to trust that desire. There was only one last elephant in the room.

"How do I even begin to tell her about what happened between Yelina and me? Should I tell her, even?"

"Only you can make that decision for yourself, Raf. But it sounds like you two have kept an awful lot of secrets lately. Maybe it's time to get everything out in the open before you decide what to do next."

"I'm just wondering when the right time to bring this up is. I can't walk up to her and go, hey Liv, I need to tell you about Yelina Munoz." Those words made him cringe. "How do you even bring up something like that?"

"Does it really matter how you tell her, though? If you two really are friends - or something more than that, I don't know," she said with a playful eye roll, "she's not going to hold it against you. Like I said, it doesn't reflect badly on you at all. I'm willing to bet she'll be sympathetic; understanding. You're way past the point of worrying about this."

The resoluteness that filled his chest as Rita said that gave him his answer. Of course he could tell Olivia. They'd trusted each other with their worst secrets and hidden feelings - why would this be any different?

You have a choice. You can choose to trust someone else.

He had a choice - the choice to trust Olivia Benson; to trust her feelings for him. She wasn't Yelina Munoz: she was a separate and wholly different person whom he knew would fight for him; for them. It'd been over twenty years. He had to stop Yelina from poisoning him any longer than she already had.

An hour later, Rafael decided to forgo his usual Uber in favour of a slow, meandering walk back to his apartment, giving him the precious alone time he needed to contemplate his next move. He stuffed his hands in his pockets as the chilly night breeze brushed against him, taking him back to the night where he'd made this exact same walk back to the Upper East Side with Olivia, bellies full of pasta and mirthful laughter and arms entangled.

As duplicitous their actions had been at the time, one distinctive feeling stood out in his memory: comfort.

He wanted to experience that again so badly - and now, it was finally within his reach.

You have a choice.

He lingered at the crosswalk a few blocks from his apartment, events of the last couple of months playing through his head for the umpteenth time, except that one thing had become increasingly clear over the last few weeks - choices. They'd made some terrible choices together, but nonetheless, choices - staying apart was becoming increasingly difficult. Heck, they'd become even closer over the last few months, and that alone should have been enough to assure him that what they had was the real deal.

You can choose to trust someone else.

He didn't want to downplay the truth any longer. He was truly, irrevocably, in love with her, and all they had left to make was one final choice about their future together.

Perhaps it makes things even better down the road, knowing that you've found someone new you can trust whole-heartedly after getting hurt.

It was time to exorcise his mind of the ghost that was Yelina Munoz - to leave her in the past, because Olivia Benson was his present, and, he realised with a growing certainty, his future.

It was time to put down the burden he'd been silently carrying for years and focus on what he did have within his reach - something that he'd wanted since the day he joined the Manhattan DA's office and could finally admit that he'd been seeking.

It was time for him to stop getting in his own way and finally put his heart in Olivia Benson's hands. And that thought filled him with such a profound exhilaration that he could scarcely wait until the next time he saw her.

If Rafael had to make a list of his top ten places in the city, Central Park at sunset would probably come near the top, and evenings like these reminded him why - the way the golden rays peeked through the trees, strangely comforting rush of runners and cyclists zooming by on the main thoroughfares, and peace that just seemed to settle over the water. He wrapped his scarf around his neck and drank in the satisfying crunch of leaves under his feet as he meandered through the winding paths of the Ramble, its shaded corners providing rare pockets of silence in a city that never seemed to shut up.

And it was especially beautiful when he had Olivia Benson as his walking companion.

With the Jenna Miller case officially closed and an especially gruelling - and eventful - trial behind them, Rafael had joined the squad (minus Amanda, who was dealing with issues of her own) at Columbus Circle for a long-awaited celebratory dinner, but the way Olivia automatically slid into the seat directly across from him and made eyes at him all throughout the meal made it clear that she had more than celebration on her mind. They'd trailed Fin and Carisi out of the restaurant and bid them a quick goodbye at the entrance to the subway station, awkwardly lingering by the steps as they contemplated their next move, Rafael's stomach bubbling with an expectant anxiety.

"Want to take a walk in the park?" Olivia had finally blurted out after a long pause, her eyes nervously meeting his. Her tone was casual, but her body language said far more. I want to talk to you.

How could he say no to that - to her?

And so they sauntered through the park in silence, a cloud of anticipation hanging heavy over them, although neither made a move to address it. For ages he'd wanted to do something exactly like this with her - now he had his chance, and he didn't want to rupture the idyllic mood. Many times they walked so close that the tips of their fingers would brush and Rafael would feel electricity course through him, making him wonder: did they look like a couple? Did people who were just friends take slow, silent walks through Central Park? Should I take her hand?

The question lingered at the back of his mind, but that didn't stop a blissful contentment from washing over him. He didn't know how long they'd been walking - maybe half an hour, based on how the sun had started to dip, but he didn't bother finding out, too intoxicated by her presence to even check his watch. She was one person he had all the time in the world for.

The evening was idyllic; the mood was comfortable. He could feel an important conversation coming - the topic, he was reasonably certain of. He just hoped he was ready for it.

They followed a quiet path buried deep in the woods, only the soft rustle of leaves and music from a boombox in the distance as their soundtrack. Perhaps expecting that they'd found one of the most private places in the park with the purpose of talking about something, they slowed to a stroll, the air now buzzing with the tension of unspoken words.

"So… I met Alex Cabot the other day," Olivia interjected suddenly, abruptly puncturing the now-comfortable silence. Fuck, she cursed silently - this was already going completely sideways, and she'd uttered all of one sentence. What kind of person started an important conversation with an opening line like that? But she couldn't turn back now.

Unusual choice of opening topic, he thought, but it wasn't like her to make idle small talk - there definitely was a purpose behind bringing this up. All the mental preparation he'd done for this didn't do much to alleviate his fear.

Alex Cabot. One of the few names that had followed him from his past. And a very close friend of Olivia's.

"That's a name I haven't heard in a while," he remarked as casually as he could. "How's she doing?"

"She's good; travelling a lot. We had dinner, and she told me you two knew each other at Harvard," she began cautiously.

Harvard.

That was exactly the topic he expected would come up when he'd first heard Alex's name. Ordinarily there would be no reason to fear - people asked him about his Harvard days all the time - but Alex Cabot was one of a small handful of people who knew exactly what happened that fateful summer, and Olivia was getting dangerously close to getting him to spill the beans…

"Alex told me about the summer internship you two did at Henshall & Langan… and what happened," she said matter-of-factly, with nary a hint of judgment in her tone.

Shit. Olivia knew. And she'd heard it from someone else, which was never a good way to find out about something this enormous.

His face fell instantly and he wiped his clammy palms on the legs of his trousers. "I guess she filled you in, then."

Maybe he was partially grateful to Alex. It saved him from the agony of finding an opening to tell her and then actually having to drag up the past in his own words… but it was still a part of his history that would never be easy to talk about, even after he'd spent the last few days mulling over it.

"What happened?" The general story she now knew, of course, but she still wanted to hear it in his own words.

Here goes nothing, he thought.

"Yelina and I were having problems for a long time - probably from the time I first left New York for Boston as a freshman. I wanted to save the relationship - kept making weekend trips back to the city to see her at Fordham even though she never came up to see me, thinking that me being around would get us through until I graduated and came home for good. And I came home for the summer after the first year of law school and walked in on... her kissing Alex Munoz," he explained, not caring that he was rambling - this was the first time in years that he'd told anyone about what had happened, and the sheer embarrassment that coursed through him made it physically difficult to even look at Olivia.

For a few seconds he shrank back into his 23-year old self, the raw pain of walking into her apartment to surprise her and seeing that - his best friend and girlfriend in a passionate embrace, body language making it abundantly clear that this affair had gone on for months - almost as stinging and excruciating as it'd been that afternoon.

She grimaced hearing the raw pain in Rafael's voice; seeing him almost physically shrink into a shell of his current self. "I'm so sorry to hear that, Rafa."

No wonder he'd been so torn up while they worked the Munoz case - that was more than just the shock of learning about a friend's transgressions. Actually witnessing the cheating with his own eyes? Two people he thought he could place all his trust in stabbing him in the back like that? That was something no one deserved to go through.

"I put in so much effort into trying to keep that relationship afloat, and it still ended that way. Maybe that hurts even more than what she did," he sighed.

"I'm sorry for reminding you of all that," she said apologetically, struggling to think of anything else she could say.

How could she, when she'd done the same thing that Yelina did? Sure, it hadn't been a months-long torrid affair, but she'd still cheated on someone she loved. She didn't even dare to turn to face him, afraid that any remnants of her courage would evaporate if her eyes met his. Her body was on fire, every second of his silence instilling a fear in her that she could barely tolerate. And so she forced herself to speak first, her mind racing at a million miles per hour.

There was no time to worry about anything any longer - how they'd navigate through this conversation; how he'd react. This was the last elephant in the room they had to address, and she had to rip the Band-Aid.

"Look, Rafael," she finally managed, her voice shaking, "I know that Yelina hurt you. And what I did - with Ed - is inexcusable and I'm never going to stop feeling terrible about it. I'm sorry that you got dragged into this whole mess. And I need you to know this…"

He silently motioned for her to continue, alert to her every word.

"That night we slept together, I exploded. The stress of the case, my fight with Ed, the feelings for you I'd always denied to myself… I guess I couldn't hold it back anymore. Seeing you so jealous when you found out about Ed and me in your office - I guess I was stunned. Because maybe…" she sucked in a deep breath, "that was the first time I realised that you really did want me. And everything that happened after made me realise that I really do want you too. The last few months - the last month, especially - made my feelings for you the clearest they've ever been to me. Everything that we have between us, I cherish very deeply, but…"

"But?" he interjected so softly that she could barely make out his tone.

"I just want you to know that you don't have to do this. I'll understand. Whatever feelings or doubts you may have about us, I'll respect them…"

"Fuck this," he practically growled, startling her. His eyes were peeled to the ground; his hands balled into fists.

Shit, Olivia thought as her heart sank. She'd angered him, and there was no use arguing with a furious Rafael Barba.

This was her worst fear - he was going to walk away from her, and all the effort they'd put into this would be flushed down the drain in an instant. And there'd be nothing she could do about it, except to live with the consequences of her transgressions for the rest of her life.

"I'm so sorry, Rafael," she said apologetically in an attempt to salvage the conversation. "You have every right to walk away right now…"

"No, Liv," Rafael interrupted firmly and decisively. "I'm not walking away."

He turned to face her, green eyes piercing and assured even in the dim evening light. "I'm done with letting Yelina hold me hostage."

"What?" she murmured in obvious shock, too stunned to manage anything else.

A firm - yet affectionate - hand on her shoulder roused her back to reality. "I've thought about this long and hard… and I don't want to dance around this any longer. I want you, Olivia."

"Rafael, I…" she stammered, mouth still agape. Barely a minute ago she'd fully expected him to storm off… but here he was, declaring that he wanted her? A hesitant, shocked "Are you sure?" was all she could utter.

His tone was firm, confident. "I'm sure."

As those words escaped his mouth, Rafael had never felt more sure in his life - and he needed Olivia to know that.

"Why? Why me?" she stuttered. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this at all.

"Believe me, Liv - as much as an irrational part of me is screaming to run - to run far, far away from all that's happened between us, I can't. I've been getting in my own way, and I need that to stop. I can't stay away from you," he confessed, his voice cracking with emotion as he uttered that last sentence.

The floodgates had opened, and he was powerless to stop them - but his certainty only grew the more he spoke.

He took her hands, feeling her palms press against his, a steely determination now sinking in. "I'm terrified as hell… but I'm even more terrified by the prospect of things between us going back to the way they were - to be nothing to each other. I want to put my faith in you; in this."

Fuck, she cursed again, although for an entirely different reason. An overwhelming mix of confusion, shock and relief coursed through her mind; her tongue suddenly heavy and throat parched. She was dangerously close to tears, the quiet confidence in his eyes and the way he held her hands the only things keeping her from falling apart.

His intense, determined gaze didn't leave hers. "We've fought like hell to get here. I'm not throwing in the towel now."

I'm not throwing in the towel now.

Olivia forced herself to process what he'd just said.

I can't stay away from you.

He wasn't giving up; he wasn't walking away.

I want you, Olivia.

He was choosing to jump in with her. He was choosing to trust her - even after all the shitty things she'd done, he still wanted to give her a chance. Rafael Barba had seen the absolute worst of her, and he still wanted her.

Those words hung heavy in the air and shook her to the core. A nervous energy - excitement - flooded her system.

This was real.

"Are you going to say something?" he asked with a nervous, amused chuckle, his hands gently coming to rest at her sides.

"... I just wasn't expecting that. Alex made it sound like things were truly terrible and with things moving slowly between us I thought…" she finally stammered, "... I thought you were having second thoughts."

"I'm not going to lie to you, Liv - this wasn't easy," he admitted quietly. "And there are times I'm still going to be scared as fuck and wondering what on earth I'm doing… but this is important to me. You are important to me."

He ran his hand across her cheek, a finger tenderly brushing away the tear that was forming at the corner of her eye. God, she was beautiful - how could he ever have doubted that; doubted her?

"I can't throw away what we have because of something that happened to me more than twenty years ago. I want to trust you and fight for you in the same way you've been fighting for me, Liv."

Her heart swelled. What had she done to deserve this - someone who knew just how badly she'd fucked up yet still trusted her this much?

She dabbed the corner of her eye with the sleeve of her blouse, her lips curling into an exhilarated smile. "If someone had told me that our profoundly fucked up summer was going to end like this…" she whispered giddily, although her tone quickly changed to one of grave seriousness. "I don't want to let you down. I'm not going to make the same mistake I did with Ed with you, but I know talk is cheap. I want to - no, need to - prove to you that you can trust me. Hold me accountable, tell me off if you need it. I can take it."

"I will," he promised, realising with a contented grin that it already was their modus operandi - and something about that was profoundly comforting. They'd handled countless work-related conflicts over the years and emerged all the better for it - what reason did they have to doubt themselves now? It was nothing they couldn't handle.

There was so much still up in the air, but the tender, adoring look they exchanged made clear one thing - that the sheer relief of finally reaching this moment was going to carry them through whatever came next. They'd been dancing around their feelings for too damn long, and now they'd finally put the chaos behind them once and for all.

The last of Rafael's nerves disappeared as he drank in the sight of her; that relieved, loving smile that he never thought she'd save for him someday. Four years and countless trials and tribulations later, they'd finally arrived where he so desperately wanted them to be. He pressed his forehead to hers, so close that their lips almost brushed, her warm breath on his skin and floral perfume heavy in the air, taking in just how real this now was. The same flushed, heated desire he'd felt that night alone in his bedroom flooded his system, and it took all his might not to kiss her right there and then.

That could wait. They were going to do this right this time.

"I was getting ready to watch you walk away, Rafael," she admitted, her voice once again shaking. "And there would've been nothing I could have done about it."

"And I'm not going anywhere, Liv." He placed his hand on the small of her back, steadying her instantly.

He'd stayed and was staying. Their extended nightmare was finally over.

A chilly breeze blew past them, and she instinctively burrowed herself in his embrace for warmth, relishing just how comfortable - and natural - it felt. The shame she'd once felt walking side-by-side by him had evaporated completely, and judging by his contented sigh as she leaned into him, he was feeling the exact same way.

There was no heated first kiss or raucous laughter over a drink in Forlini's, but they wouldn't have it any other way. They followed the twists and turns of the wooded path back towards the light of the main thoroughfare, the same contented silence sinking over them yet again, except that their hands were now interlinked, Rafael barely able to contain his proud smile.

He was proud to be with Olivia Benson, and the quiet joy that came with the realisation that the feelings they had for each other no longer dwelled only behind closed doors and in shaded corners of Forlini's suddenly made the worry and agony of the last week insignificant in comparison.

Rita had been right: his past hurt only made this even sweeter. All the hurt and agony of the summer behind them only made this even sweeter.

And he couldn't wait for what came next.

"So… we're doing this, then?"

He turned to her, taking a second to admire the way the golden glow reflected against her skin and hair; to let the enormity of that question sink in. It was brief, direct - but his answer to those five words was going to change things between them forever.

The desire - and determination - in her eyes flooded him with strength.

"Let's do this."