It'd been a long time since Rafael had slept that well.
Perhaps it was the unfamiliar - but soothing - lavender-scented sheets; perhaps it was the warm embrace of the comforter around the bare skin of his legs… or perhaps it was the fact that he had a peacefully sleeping Olivia Benson in his arms, her hair lightly brushing against his collarbone.
You know I love you too, right?
A quiet exhilaration flooded him as the realisation he'd told her that he loved her - and heard the same words back - sank in. His eyes fluttered open to the shaded darkness of the room and light pitter-patter of rain outside, and the slow rise and fall of her chest against his palm. Even with the dim lights of distant skyscrapers as their only source of light, her skin was almost luminescent; warm to the touch.
It wasn't his first time waking up next to someone he loved - heck, it wasn't even his first time waking up next to her - but it certainly felt that way. It was like they'd been doing this for years.
The ungodly hour hardly fazed him; especially when he was still struggling to wrap his head around the enormity of this morning; all this. The pieces were starting to fall into place.
Olivia stirred in his embrace and his heart swelled when a quiet, contented smile crept across her face, her grip around him instinctively tightening. He planted a tender kiss on her forehead, his fingers idly tracing circles on her upper arm, the comforting peace in the air still undisturbed. At the back of his mind, he knew that there probably was a hectic day lying ahead (new cases, trial preparation, the typical NYPD/DA's office grind), but that was the least of his worries - he wanted to soak in every last minute he had with her, and judging by the way she rested her head against his shoulder, she wanted the same.
He couldn't be bothered to look at the clock, afraid of moving from their comfortable position. The still-dark sky and drops of rain hitting the window pane only confirmed his lack of desire to move, and he let his comfort envelop him once more, feeling his eyes flutter shut once more…
Until the slam of a wooden door just a few feet away roused him from his sleepy state.
He thought he'd hallucinated it until he realised that Olivia's head had turned in search of the source of the noise - which now sounded rhythmical and almost thunderous in the relative tranquility of the early morning.
This time, the pitter-patter wasn't of rain outside the window - it was coming from the hallway, and sounded distinctly like the footsteps of a certain toddler...
Olivia groaned softly and craned her neck to check the clock on her nightstand, instantly alert when she caught a glimpse of the time. "Shit, it's probably because he fell asleep so early last night. I'm gonna go and check on him."
Rafael watched helplessly as Olivia flipped to "mom mode" and crawled out of bed within seconds, her facial expression calm and composed despite what had to be annoyance about being roused out of bed prematurely. Obviously she'd dealt with situations like this countless times, and Rafael wondered if he should trail her out of bed and into the hallway. Would that scare Noah, especially at this hour, seeing a relatively unfamiliar man in their apartment? He'd briefly met the boy when he first arrived for dinner, not long before he'd fallen asleep, but it'd been so cursory that he didn't have the slightest clue as to what Noah thought of him. And he wasn't sure he really wanted to know, either.
He lay on his back in her now-empty bed, suddenly cold and alert to the flurry of questions his mind was generating.
Did kids his age know what to make of unfamiliar people emerging from their parent's bedroom before sunrise? Had Ed Tucker slept over like this? Did he have much of an impression of Ed Tucker? Was he going to compare Ed Tucker to…
In any case, he didn't know what to do, and resigned himself to waiting until Olivia came back - if she did. She wasn't the kind of person to leave a toddler alone in the living room while she enjoyed a moment alone with him, and he couldn't decide how that made him feel - there was no way he'd ever challenge her on that, but a selfish part of him couldn't help but wish they didn't have a energetic preschooler as their alarm clock.
The cheery, saccharine-sweet sounds of Playhouse Disney started piping through the living room speakers, and the loud ding of the coffee pot in the background confirmed that the day had officially started for Olivia and Noah. With her gone, he finally shifted from his position to sneak a look at her digital clock, and groaned when he saw 5.50am in neon green.
Fuck, he cursed silently. He was used to many an early morning, especially when he had a trial to attend, but he certainly wasn't ever up before 6.30, voluntarily or not.
Suddenly, a wave of exhaustion set in, and he felt himself drift back into an uncomfortable slumber, the sheets now foreign and cold.
It was only when he felt Olivia's hand on his shoulder and inhaled the aroma of coffee that his eyes shot open, leaving him momentarily blinded by the golden rays of sunlight that now flooded the room.
"Shit, what time is it?" he asked her in a daze, as she rested the cup of piping hot coffee on the nightstand beside him, her body language far more alert and energetic than his.
"It's just after 7. You fell asleep again, and I didn't want to wake you up just yet," she pointed out calmly while rifling through her drawers for a fresh set of work clothes. "Thought you'd need some time to get home for a fresh change of clothes before heading downtown. I can drop you off once Lucy comes to get Noah."
Rafael sat up in the bed and rubbed his heavy eyes, the thoroughly unappealing realisation that he needed to get dressed and head to work suddenly dawning upon him. "Sorry for not helping out with Noah," he said, although he kept the relief he felt over not having to attend to a boisterous child at 6am well-hidden.
"It's fine," she shrugged casually. "I'm pretty used to it. Playhouse Disney usually does the trick."
I'm pretty used to it? She definitely had more than her fair share of early mornings, and Rafael couldn't help but wonder if this was the life he'd signed up for. Of course he was more than well-aware that Olivia and Noah were a package deal, and sure, this was only the first time he'd slept over at her place with Noah in tow, but if this was looking to be the first of many times… he wasn't sure how long he'd take to get used to it.
"At least he didn't barge into the room," she said with a soft chuckle, seemingly impervious to Rafael's rapidly spiralling train of thought. "That saved us an awkward conversation."
He would have asked her about Ed Tucker's interactions with the boy, but deduced that it would immediately destroy any semblance of that morning's buoyant mood in an instant.
Without missing a beat, she pressed a quick but affectionate kiss to the side of his head. "Have your coffee. I'm going to get dressed for work."
Olivia ducked into the bathroom, and Rafael sat on the edge of the bed as the sound of flowing water hitting the marble tiles echoed in the room, the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme song now audible in the distance. He truly felt horrible - it wasn't Noah's fault that their morning hadn't gone the way he'd expected it to, but of course it also was the boy's fault. They couldn't deny that reality.
Children were unpredictable that way, Rafael reasoned with himself. Children were unpredictable, and he wasn't about to demand the boy change his behaviour for him. He knew that he'd have to get used to Noah at some point, perhaps even fill the role of male authority figure - or parent - if things with Olivia worked out, which certainly looked like what they had in store. He'd expected these challenges.
So why was he feeling so annoyed with a completely faultless 4-year old boy?
He grabbed the cup of coffee and took a sip far too quickly, the brown liquid scalding his tongue as though to punish him for his thoughts.
It's a process, he told himself. You'll need time to get used to this.
He could think his way out of virtually any problem - surely this wouldn't be an exception?
Hopefully an epiphany would arrive sooner than later.
"I need your help."
Rafael shot up in his seat and nervously drummed his foot against the office carpet hearing Olivia's tense, stressed tone. "What's wrong?"
The car whirred angrily in the background and he realised that she was driving, while Carisi barked something into his phone in his Staten Island twang. "Tom Cole took Quinn from her hotel. Carisi and I are on the way to a cabin in Harding now."
He grabbed his pen in preparation for scrawling notes on his legal pad. "How can I help? Need a warrant?" Even before waiting for her reply, he ran through a list of judges who'd probably be around at this hour in his head - who'd be willing to sign it on a second's notice? Kidnapping situations left them with not a second to spare, and he wasn't about to derail things for them.
This case had gotten on everyone's nerves from the get-go, and any thoughts of having that much-needed conversation with Olivia about Noah had to be shelved when they'd caught it - investigating a former cop who knew just about every move in the book was never easy. The sooner this ended for everyone, the better (and they'd finally be able to talk).
"No, actually… I need your help to pick Noah up from daycare," she asked apologetically. "Lucy has class on Wednesdays, and I don't know when I'm going to get back from Jersey."
It was a simple question, but it flooded Rafael with an anxiety he'd never felt before. Olivia entrusting him with her son for an afternoon? Pick Noah up from daycare?
The enormity of that request took a few seconds to hit him in full force. The last time he'd seen Noah was just a few nights ago at her place, but he wasn't sure if he'd be spooked by someone who was basically a stranger waiting at the pick-up point in lieu of the familiar, smiling face of Lucy. That boy remained an enigma to him (and he was going to have to change that at some point if he and Olivia were going to have any shot at working out, he realised with a sinking feeling).
"Rafael, are you still there?" The sense of urgency in her voice snapped him out of his reverie.
"I'll do it."
He didn't know where that burst of strength came from, but this was Olivia. He couldn't say no to her - especially when she had a kidnapping case on her hands and him a relatively free afternoon. It was the least he could do.
"Thank you so much," she replied gratefully. "I'm calling the daycare centre to let them know you're coming - I'll text you the details in a bit. I'll let them know you're an ADA, but still - bring some form of ID with you."
"Got it," he said with an ounce more confidence. She was sending him instructions. They knew to expect him. It couldn't possibly be that hard, right? All he had to do was keep Noah entertained for a few hours until Lucy showed up.
"I owe you one, Rafael. I'll call you as soon as I can, okay?" she promised.
"It's all good. Stay safe out there, Liv."
The momentary - but telling - silence on both ends of the line wasn't surprising. With Mike Dodds still on everyone's minds, no one was taking any chances.
"I will."
She was off to do her job - now he had to do his, although it certainly was out of his usual scope of responsibilities.
Two hours later, Rafael's Uber pulled up at the address that Olivia had texted to him; he didn't have to check his phone again to know that he'd found the right place, because the gaggle of eager nannies and parents standing by the gate made it abundantly clear that the brownstone housed the daycare centre he was looking for. He glanced at his watch - 4pm. Noah was bound to emerge in a matter of minutes.
Rafael found a spot on the sidewalk and nervously adjusted his tie and jacket, suddenly aware of how overdressed he looked relative to the herd of moms - and the occasional dad - in Lululemon and New Balance, Starbucks cups in hand and chatting idly. Did he stick out like a sore thumb? He glanced at his watch again, silently praying the minutes would pass faster, although he wasn't sure if things were only going to go downhill from there. What if Noah got spooked? Didn't recognise him? Did kids his age have a good memory for faces and people? Olivia obviously had her hands tied with the case, and Lucy was probably in her seminar at NYU downtown, which meant his two lifelines weren't going to get him out of a sticky situation, at least not on short notice.
Keep it cool. You're just picking him up and taking him home.
He turned his attention to the conversations that were going on around him, doing little more than acknowledging the parents with a cursory, polite nod and eavesdropping on their idle chatter.
"I just managed to get Nathan on the waiting list for Dowland," one Lululemon-wearing mother casually remarked between sips of her (disgusting-looking) green juice.
"Lucky you," another mother holding an identical cup replied enviously. "I thought three years was more than enough time. I was turned down!"
Three years? A waiting list for elementary school? Rafael was incredulous - since when did school admission get so competitive? He made a mental note to ask Rita - a proud Dowland alumna - about it when he next saw her. This couldn't possibly be real.
Eager for a distraction, he turned his attention to another set of more down-to-earth looking parents a few feet away, only to be sorely disappointed.
"Abby's really been enjoying her modern jazz lessons. I think they're good for her fine motor skills. Never too early to start, right?"
"I've been trying to sign Chloe up for horn or trumpet lessons. Something easy to learn but also not too common, you know? I've heard that music education is good for academic development. Maybe they'll help her with her college admissions down the road. Let's hope trumpet players are still in demand at Yale then."
That was a mistake, Rafael sighed. He glanced at the sign on the iron gate to make sure he'd read it right - this daycare centre was for children aged 3 to 7. Surely these parents weren't already thinking about college when their children literally had over 10 years before sending in their applications? His own high school portfolio was far from shabby, but he certainly hadn't even given Harvard a thought until his sophomore year, at the earliest - maybe times really had changed to the extent that even parents of preschoolers had the Ivy League on their minds.
Either this was an exceptionally snooty daycare centre, or education had changed so much that he was completely out of touch, even with his mother being a teacher. In any case, these parents were making him realise that parenting was hard work, and he wondered if he was prepared for that level of responsibility.
Thankfully, the gaggle of preschoolers bursting through the gate diverted everyone's attention, and he scanned the crowd for Noah, his heart rate accelerating in a matter of seconds.
"Hi, I'm here for Noah Porter Benson. His mother, Olivia, called and said that I'd be picking him up today - I'm ADA Rafael Barba," he said to the first staff member he saw, as the other children eagerly embraced their parents.
Her face lit up with recognition when she saw Rafael's ID badge. "Oh, yes. Olivia called in a couple of hours ago and said to expect you. Noah will be out in just a minute. Should I add you to the pick-up list from now on? It's usually Olivia or her nanny."
"Ummm…" he stammered. "It's alright, I don't think that's necessary. I'm just doing Olivia a favour today."
It was for the best. He didn't want to seem presumptuous (and he definitely didn't think he was ready for that responsibility).
"That's fine," she smiled. "Oh, look, here's Noah now." The boy came running down the hallway, his green knit sweater matching his backpack, although he stopped and hesitated when wasn't greeted by a familiar face.
"Hi, Noah." Rafael managed an awkward smile and wave, as Noah looked to his teacher for her approval. "Remember me?"
"Hi," Noah replied with a shy smile and nod.
Thank God he remembers who I am; that's a good start.
"Your mom and Lucy are busy today, so I'm here to take you home," he knelt down and explained while trying to keep his voice as calm as possible. Did he sound odd? How was he supposed to pitch this? Talking to kids wasn't anything like talking in court - and as far as he was concerned, he was failing miserably.
Thankfully, Noah didn't seem to think the same, and dutifully followed Rafael on the five-block walk back to Olivia's apartment complex, Rafael keeping a watchful eye and close grip on the boy's hand as they navigated the sidewalks. Olivia and Lucy seemed to have taught him well in the ways of being a New Yorker, because Noah didn't even stray an inch closer to the traffic zooming by on the busy avenue, but the fear at the back of Rafael's mind never quite left him on that 10-minute walk.
So this is what it's like being a parent in New York City.
That quick glimpse had left him absolutely drained, and he still had at least two hours more until Lucy got there.
Rafael anxiously opened the fridge and was relieved to see that Olivia had recently stocked up. The lucky boy had a veritable range of snack options at his fingertips. "Do you want something to eat, Noah? Some milk?" he asked as he fumbled through the cabinets for a clean plastic cup.
He didn't look up from his Lego blocks on the living room floor. "Lucy always gives me milk and cookies."
Milk and cookies. That was easy enough. He didn't know how many cookies was acceptable before he induced a sugar high - but deduced that 3 seemed reasonable enough. "Does your mom want you to eat at the table, or do you want to sit on the floor?"
Noah's quizzical look made it clear that he wasn't getting a clear answer to that. He rested the plastic cup and plate on the coffee table, hoping fervently that Noah wouldn't spill anything on the carpet. The boy gnawed on the cookies as he fiddled with his blocks, Rafael watching silently from the couch the whole time and wondering if he should say anything - maybe even sit next to him, play with him?
God, he had no fucking clue what to do, and it was eating away at him much more than he'd originally expected. How was something as simple as this so damn difficult?
He alternated between glances at Noah and his email inbox, firing off the quickest replies he could while ensuring that the house didn't burn down in Lucy's absence. The boy seemed perfectly content playing alone, and didn't even turn to the episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse that was airing on Playhouse Disney - something that Rafael deduced would keep him entertained, based on his early-morning watching habits. For his first brush at parenting, he was at least doing a decent job at keeping the boy alive and fed - but whether or not he was in the wrong for not trying harder, he didn't know.
He made a living talking, but only to the adults who formed the audience he faced at work every single day, and the occasional college student who came through the doors of 1 Hogan Place for a summer internship. And he always found excuses to wrestle his way out of speaking at his mother's charter school on Career Day. How the hell was he supposed to talk to a child? His entire vocabulary was legal terms; literary references - not Lego or Little Tikes.
And was it wrong of him to sit here, checking his email and making himself coffee, while Noah played alone a few feet away? Was he supposed to try harder to build rapport with him? What would Olivia think if she walked in on this?
The relative peace in the room masked his frantic worry. This should have been much easier, but here he was, sitting in Olivia's living room at 4.30pm with a preschooler at his feet and no clue what to do with himself or Noah.
If this had been a normal day, he'd probably have popped out of the office for a coffee and danish when he got peckish, and perhaps squeezed in half an hour to read the Theater section of the Times in between the monotony of going through case files. If he really wanted to, he could leave and take a walk; heck, he could even walk the Brooklyn Bridge if he were in the mood.
Was he going to lose all that freedom if - or when - he became a parent? Olivia's erratic schedule kept her on her feet, and Lucy couldn't always be there, especially when she had a PhD to get. Were his leisurely, own-time-own-target afternoons going to have to make way for daycare pick-ups, homework, and thinking about college applications? Did he even know what to feel about that seismic shift?
When the doorbell rang two hours later, it was music to his ears. A very relieved Rafael opened the door to reveal a smiling Lucy, although the nagging guilt in the pit of his stomach reminded him that this was far from ideal. "Hi, Mr. Barba - Olivia told me that you'd be here."
"Just doing her a favour," he shrugged. Only the most exhausting favour he'd ever done for her. His will to return to the office was gone; he felt like he needed a nap.
"Thanks for watching Noah. I'll take it from here," she smiled as Noah waved at her from across the room. "How has he been?"
"Good. Quiet, for the most part. He's been playing with his Legos for the past couple of hours. Didn't talk much."
Completely unperturbed, she didn't even turn to look at him. "Pretty typical day, then."
Thank God. He hadn't royally messed up; Noah didn't hate his guts.
"How was school, Noah?" Lucy asked as she hung her coat on the rack and took Rafael's seat on the couch.
Shit, he hadn't even asked Noah that. Wasn't that the most rudimentary of questions that any parent asked their child after school? He didn't know how something so basic had slipped his mind. Rafael hastily grabbed his briefcase and closed Olivia's apartment door behind him, the relief to be free of childcare duty suddenly replaced by overwhelming guilt.
He was relieved to be away from Noah. That didn't bode well.
Rafael was going to have to talk to Olivia about this someday (preferably as soon as possible), but how on earth was he going to bring this up? Hey, Olivia, we need to talk about the fact that kids make me feel like I'm the most incompetent person on planet Earth? That made him shudder.
Olivia wasn't the kind to get into a relationship without thinking this through first, so at least he had her stamp of approval, but the person he really needed to persuade was himself. He wasn't completely hopeless - at least, that was what he thought - but he certainly had a long way to go before he could be anything remotely close to a male authority figure for Noah, let alone a parent.
Soon. We'll talk about this soon.
Unfortunately, opportunities to talk were few and far between.
The week hadn't gotten any better since his unexpected afternoon errand for Olivia. She and Carisi apparently had an awfully close brush with death in New Jersey - while they'd emerged unscathed, the incident felt a little too eerily reminiscent of the untimely passing of a certain sergeant over the summer, and Olivia also had the misfortune of being buried in paperwork for days after. He'd called and texted her regularly, offering to visit her at home or the precinct when she had a free moment, and finally managed to catch a moment to arrange something with her over the phone… only for Olivia to hang up abruptly as she called Noah's name in a panic.
It'd kept him up all night, and he was determined to see her and get to the bottom of it, even if just for a few minutes.
Rafael arrived at the precinct, coffee in hand, to a hive of activity. He'd woken up to the news that they had a missing six-year-old, and one glance at the squad room confirmed it - unis manning the tip lines, and Fin, Sonny and Amanda hastily grabbing their coats and keys, probably to chase a new lead somewhere.
"Barba - didn't expect to see you," Amanda remarked with a raised eyebrow as she walked by him. "Here for Liv?" They certainly hadn't asked for a warrant this early in the investigation, so Amanda was surprised - yet also not really surprised - to see the ADA in their squad room at this hour.
He tried to maintain the calmest expression he could - the last thing he wanted was to add even more frenetic energy to this morning. "Yeah. Is she here?"
"She's probably a little tied up right now, but I'm sure she'll be happy to see you," she replied with a knowing look when she noticed two cups of coffee in his hands.
Amanda being nosy as usual, he thought but there wasn't time to think about that. He strode in the direction of Olivia's office, where he could just make out her visibly stressed figure behind the partially drawn blinds.
Rafael wondered if it'd be best to turn back and return another time, but it was too late - his anxiety had brought him all the way here this early in the day, and perhaps she'd appreciate a quick hello in the middle of all the chaos."
"Hey, Liv." He smiled as he appeared in her doorway.
A momentarily startled Olivia looked up from her laptop screen. "Rafael. I didn't know you were dropping by, We don't need any warrants yet," she replied, visibly perplexed by his presence in her squadroom at this hour.
"Sorry to drop by unannounced. I was worried," he explained concernedly as he shut the door behind him. "I didn't hear back from you."
Her face fell instantly as she recalled the call she'd let go to voicemail that morning - and the one she'd abruptly hung up on the night before.
"Is Noah okay?" he asked. If she's at work today, surely he's doing fine, he rationalised, although he still wanted to be sure.
"Yeah, he's ju… He's fine," she sighed. "My back was turned to him for barely half a minute, and he climbed up on the kitchen counter because he wanted a cookie. I had to make sure he didn't get hurt."
"Ah, that doesn't sound good," he muttered, not knowing what else to say. "I'm glad he's alright."
Her eyes flashed with a mix of frustration and guilt. "I'm so sorry I didn't call you back after that. We've been so busy trying to track down Theo."
He took a seat on the chair facing her. "You all right?"
She looked up from her laptop screen for just a second in the middle of frantic typing. "Yeah, just a lot to deal with."
"I can imagine. You've been through a lot in the last week, Liv - Jersey, Noah, this… I just wanted to make sure you were okay." He slid the unopened coffee cup over to her. "I'd have suggested we take a walk for a bit, but I won't keep you from everything that's going on here."
She accepted the cup gratefully. "Thank you. I wish I could take a break, but we really can't lose any more time."
"Well, I'm glad I could drop by, even if just for a while," he smiled. This definitely wasn't ideal, but still better than nothing.
"Thanks for coming all the way here. As soon as we're done with this case, I owe you dinner for sure."
"You can worry about that later," he assured her as he planted a quick kiss on her cheek, after a glance behind him to make sure the door was closed and blinds were shut. "But I'm still going to hold you to that."
"Of course. It feels like we haven't talked in ages," she lamented.
He glanced at the growing case file on her desk, flanked by her open laptop and rapidly buzzing phone… and a photo of her with Noah, which only reminded him that they still hadn't had a chance to talk about that. It seemed like God was conspiring against him, and the longer he had to wait, the more his anxiety built.
"Yeah… it'd be nice to catch up soon." He forced a cursory smile, which Olivia fortunately didn't notice as she rifled through the sheets of paper on her desk. "Call if you need anything from me, okay?"
"Of course I will," she smiled affectionately. "And thanks again for coming," she added gratefully as he grabbed his briefcase and half-finished coffee.
Rafael closed the door behind him and walked right through the buzzing squad room, impervious to the action around him. His mind wandered back to the picture of Noah and Olivia he'd just seen on her desk - was that in his future? Was it a future he was ready to face?
He hated that he didn't know.
It wasn't just an issue of getting closer to Noah, which was daunting enough on its own. The reality that he was going to have to talk to Olivia about it was sinking in and scared him even more. He didn't want to imagine the emotion he'd see when he bared his insecurities to her - disappointment? Hurt? Anger? It was too important a topic to her.
Rafael had assumed the worst was over after their summer of pining (in Rita's words) had ended, but he couldn't have been more complacent. Now it felt like he had to jump right into a new role he hadn't previously given a thought to - one that he was patently unqualified for. No elite education or legal experience was going to prepare him for this. Was he ready for the worst to happen? For Noah to get hurt; get injured falling off the kitchen counter if he took his eyes off him for just a minute? Or God forbid, have the same thing that happened to Theo Lachere happen to Noah?
No wonder Olivia was so torn up about the case. He couldn't believe this hadn't crossed his mind earlier. Did her train of thought take this terrifying direction whenever they looked at cases like this - or even worse, cases that were infinitely more gruesome?
He couldn't be sure of much, but he did know one thing - and it was that he loved Olivia Benson. He had to at least try his best - try to love Noah - before throwing in the towel. Even if that meant swallowing his pride and stepping into a role that he had no clue how to fill; even if that meant he had to admit to himself that he hated children and stopped playing tricks on his own mind. Self-awareness was always a good first step, right?
Maybe all these delays were happening for a reason, as nerve-wrecking as they were. He needed time to think this through.
Typically, Rita and Rafael's monthly catch-ups revolved around one of a few topics: normative discussions about the law (carefully avoiding actual work), the latest in world literature, anecdotes from their Harvard days, and places in the city they needed to try.
Never before had their discussions strayed so far from their usual fare. But here they were, in an elegant and very child-unfriendly West Village bar in the middle of the afternoon, discussing the monster of the topic that was children.
This was one place he wasn't going to be able to visit as freely with a child in tow, and a pang of sadness hit him before he'd even had a chance to fully process that emotion.
He listlessly swirled his glass of scotch. "Am I a terrible person for hating kids?"
RIta was visibly shocked by the suddenness of that question, but didn't miss a beat. "Everyone secretly hates kids, Raf. I'm pretty sure even parents do once in a while."
He rolled his eyes in mock annoyance, resisting the urge to laugh at how snarky her tone was. "You're not even a parent, Rita."
"Well, we're only human. And if we get annoyed at other adults all the time, who's to say we can't feel the same about kids?" she pointed out without missing a beat. "My nieces are absolute monsters and I used to hate being left alone with them. I don't hold it against them because I know they're not old enough to know that they're being monsters, but that doesn't take away my right to feel annoyed with them. I just don't say it to their faces. And now I actually don't mind watching them when my sister is out of town."
"Easy to say when you don't have any kids of your own. You can return them to your sister when she gets back and hate them from a distance at all other times." And the distance between him and Noah was rapidly narrowing - something not quite within his control.
"Neither do you," she fired back, although her face quickly fell when she put two and two together. "I guess that's going to change soon, isn't it…?"
"I guess so," he muttered half-heartedly.
"What do you mean, I guess so? It's either going to happen or it's not. How are you feeling about it?" Sensing that this was going to take some time, she motioned for the bartender to refill both their drinks.
"It's not like I haven't thought of this before. I watched Olivia adopt Noah; I know better than anyone that he's a huge part of her life now. But…" his voice trailed off.
"But?" she pressed.
"It's a terrifying prospect," he admitted, his voice trembling slightly. "Now that we're actually dating and things feel much more real. More immediate."
Ever the logical, level-headed one, Rita wasn't fazed by his sudden show of insecurity. "Well, what does Olivia think?"
"We haven't even had a chance to talk about it. Two monstrous cases, back-to-back. But she asked me to help pick Noah up from daycare, and…" He filled her in on all the events that had happened that week - Noah barging in, the daycare debacle, Olivia hanging up on him to grab Noah, his sudden realisation that kids were a handful and he wasn't equipped to handle them, Rita nodding silently as he went along.
"It's a lot to think about. And sometimes, I don't know where I fit in," Rafael admitted. He definitely was going to need time to build rapport with the boy, but how long was too long? Where was he even supposed to begin, when the youngest people he interacted with on a regular basis were the new ADAs at 1 Hogan Place?
"I don't think Olivia's the kind of person to jump into a relationship without thinking about this at length. Clearly she thinks you'd be a good authority - or father - figure for Noah," Rita reasoned. "Even if she hasn't told you that to your face yet."
"You do have a point." Olivia was rational. She'd always been. There was no reason to doubt that now, especially when Noah was so important to her; this was one topic she'd never compromise on.
"Did Noah give you trouble when you watched him?"
"Far from it, actually. He was quiet; shy… It was actually quite impressive."
"That's the opposite of a problem, isn't it? You know how arbitrary kids can be. He doesn't hate you, which is a better start than with most of the people you put on the stand."
He wished he had the bandwidth to laugh at that joke. "I don't know, Rita. The whole time I was there, I was wondering what more I should be doing - like I wasn't trying hard enough to endear myself to him, because I don't know how to endear myself to children. How the fuck do I become a parent? Those daycare moms and nannies are on a completely different level of "competitive". And I thought being a lawyer was bad enough," he added with a dry, hollow chuckle.
"That daycare centre is infamously snooty, Raf. These parents certainly aren't representative of the rest of the city's parents. I mean, you got to Harvard without all these bells and whistles," she assured him. "And plenty of the people we knew there didn't need those bells and whistles either."
"And who knows if that's still possible nowadays? We went to college more than twenty years ago." SAT tutors? Specialised university consultants? Increasingly absurd and specific extra-curriculars?" He could barely keep up.
She rolled her eyes. "Don't remind me of our ages, Raf. Of course applying to college is hard, but kids nowadays have so many more resources at their disposal - the Internet, for one. And so do parents. You're more than capable of figuring it out as you go along."
"That sounds perfectly reasonable until you realise that it's just one of the hundreds of things you have to figure out as you go along. Daycare pick-ups? Homework? Dropping everything when they get into trouble? If this goes well, I'm not going to be able to sit here with you at this time in the afternoon any longer."
"Well, you won't, because you'll probably be too busy enjoying Olivia and Noah's company to remember that you could be drinking with me. Look - I know I'm cynical, but even I have to admit that you make everything sound like a chore, Raf," she added worriedly.
She'd made that remark casually, but it cut his heart more than he'd expected. A chore? That certainly wasn't what he'd intended, but it was becoming clearer by the minute that he'd been thinking in exactly that direction. And that was a problem in itself - perhaps a bigger problem than actually having to figure out how to be a parent.
"You do actually want to get to know Noah and make this work, don't you?"
"Of course I do!" he snapped back insistently, lowering his voice when it practically echoed through the mostly-deserted bar (one downside of drinking at this hour). "I wouldn't be having this conversation with you if I weren't so worried about making this work."
"But why are you demanding perfection from yourself from the get-go? You can't become a parent overnight. Especially when you're jumping into it for the first time after years of not even considering it at all."
She paused to take a contemplative sip of her wine as Rafael mulled over her words. "No one wakes up one morning and suddenly is able to be a parent. Both my siblings went through hell trying to figure things out - but they got there eventually. You've been a bachelor your whole life; of course it's going to be hard to give that up. But you really shouldn't be beating yourself up before you've even had a chance to really try this. Why the rush?"
He sighed deeply. "I know Noah is Olivia's top priority. I don't want to be an obstacle to that - and I think that's what's making me want to accelerate this process."
Why was he even doing that? This wasn't a college all-nighter or trial he could prepare for with barely any notice. But the pressure on him was infinitely worse than any work-related curveball.
"You don't even know that you're an obstacle to that. You've hardly interacted with the boy at all; not for prolonged periods, at least. Isn't it a little early to make a judgment? Don't punish yourself for something you haven't done wrong."
Those words were extremely sobering, and Rafael felt some of his rationality return.
"Look, I don't really have a solution to this - I'm not a parent. But you should find a time to sit down with Olivia and actually, you know, talk to her about what you've been feeling? Of course Noah is important to her, but "mom" isn't her entire identity. If you're important enough to her, she'll make sure you are comfortable with how you're fitting into the picture. Tell her what you're feeling; how you want this to go."
Of course it was the best solution, because it was the only one. When had he and Olivia not solved a problem after talking it out? The days of cold wars and awkward dances around the elephant in the room were far behind them. Maybe their new normal hadn't yet fully registered, but it was high time for it to sink in.
You can't become a parent overnight.
Sometimes, even he couldn't believe just how right Rita Calhoun could be about every damn thing - even things seemingly far out of her dimension of life.
His relieved look didn't go unnoticed. "You really should start paying me for all the advice I've been dispensing the last couple of months," she remarked with a smug grin.
"As if you don't already earn enough keeping serial rapists and murderers out of jail," he retorted with a playful eye roll, feeling the mood return to its previous buoyant state. "But I'll pay for your drinks, if that makes you feel better."
"Drinks and dinner. You can save the dinner for after your talk with Olivia goes well, because it never actually goes as badly as you think it will, doesn't it? Or should I make that lunch, since you'll probably be at her place cooking for the both of them?"
The twinkle in Rita's eye was all the confidence he needed. She was right yet again. He and Olivia had worked through some of the messiest situations - both professional and personal - they'd ever encountered and emerged unscathed (and maybe even all the better for it), so why was he still doubting himself; doubting them?
He still didn't feel ready, but that now mattered less than his need to start talking to Olivia about it.
"Now, let's talk about something else," he offered with a smile.
"One more thing." She set down her glass to look him squarely in the eye. "I know we've been friends for so long that very little about you can possibly surprise me nowadays, but you've changed a lot in the last few months," she said contemplatively.
"Hopefully not for the worse," he muttered sarcastically, although a part of him feared that it was true. His love life certainly had its ways of making him an asshole, and Rita had front-row seats to that side of him.
"The opposite, actually. You've been, for a lack of a better word, chattier about your problems lately. I'm glad you're not bottling them up anymore," Rita pointed out sincerely.
"This is just payback for the nights you spent crying into my shoulder in college," he teased her, although he also realised that she was spot-on. "Just twenty-five years delayed."
"I'm serious, Raf. I don't know what's gotten into you, but if it's Olivia's doing… I'm happy for you both."
Her lips curled into a smile, and Rafael felt himself do the same. Rita never had to verbally express her approval or disapproval to him - he was more than adept at reading her every cue - but to hear her say those words gave him the assurance he needed.
"Now… can I bore you with my analysis of Trevor Langan's new - and terrible - article in the new ACLR issue?" She rolled her eyes as she mentioned Trevor's name like he'd personally murdered her entire family - the result of a bitter rivalry between them that they could trace back to their days in Dowland.
"If they're always so bad, why don't you just write one yourself?" he retorted.
"Please - I've got better uses for my time. But I can take time to laugh at the fact that he probably worked on this trash for a whole month."
After that heavy conversation, even Rita's pettiness (an especially entertaining side to her she saved for a select few people) was comforting. "I guess some things never change, do they?" he chuckled.
He laughed heartily as Rita tore Trevor's article to shreds, feeling the most like himself he had in a couple of weeks. I'm going to miss this, he thought for a second - until he realised that he wasn't going to have to. What lay ahead felt like a seismic change, but he still had Rita; he still had his job and interest in the law. Maybe they wouldn't be able to do this in the middle of the day as often as they did, but these catch-ups weren't going to disappear altogether.
Of course Noah is important to her, but "mom" isn't her entire identity. He'd known Olivia before Noah came into the picture, and she was still the same feisty and compassionate person he'd laid eyes on in the courthouse the day they were introduced. Her identity was more than intact - so why was he fearing for his?
He was still going to be the same person; the same Rafael Barba, just like Olivia was still the same Olivia he'd always known.
Perhaps that was the thought he needed to hang on to as they navigated this issue. He took a long, slow sip of his scotch, Rafael feeling slightly more ready for what was to come.
With Theo Lachere safely in the custody of Child Welfare Services and a family court hearing scheduled for the morning, Olivia finally felt like she could breathe - and from the look on Rafael's face when she opened the door to her apartment, he'd been waiting for a moment like this for some time.
"Noah, say goodnight to Rafael." She picked him up from his spot on the floor, where he'd been fiddling with one of his many stuffed animals, and gently set him down in front of Rafael, who greeted him with a warm - although still slightly hesitant - smile and wave.
"Goodnight, Noah," Rafael said cheerily, although the words still felt uncomfortable and foreign rolling off his tongue.
"Goodnight, Rafael," he replied timidly, to which Olivia gave him permission to scamper to his room to get ready for bed. "Get changed into your PJs and I'll see you in a few minutes, okay?" she asked, her voice lilting and affectionate.
She quickly turned her attention to Rafael, who was still standing awkwardly in the hallway. "I need to get Noah to bed. Do you want something to drink?"
"Actually, do you have any coffee?"
She knitted her eyebrows quizzically. When was he ever the kind to turn down a drink, especially at the end of a long day? And coffee at 9pm? Something had to be on his mind. "I can fire up the machine. Give me a couple of minutes. Are you sure I can't interest you in some scotch?"
It was a tempting offer, but he couldn't have this discussion with alcohol in his system. He needed clarity; he needed coffee.
The machine whirred to life, filling the awkward silence that Rafael wasn't quite sure how to bridge. Behind Noah's closed bedroom door, cupboard and drawer doors slammed loudly, attracting his attention - was there a situation that needed to be handled?
"Don't worry - Noah's still learning how to close the doors quietly," she remarked as though she'd read his mind. "I'll get him to bed and be with you in a bit. I've already read him his story, so this shouldn't take too long."
With that, she left Rafael alone in her living room, clutching that cup of hot coffee and feeling like his legs were going to give way under him. He kicked off his shoes and attempted to make himself at home on her couch, wondering what was happening behind Noah's now-ajar bedroom door.
"Noah, what did I say about closing your closet and drawer doors quietly?" he could hear her say, her tone firm yet gentle all at once - how did she do it? "Good - I know you'll remember next time."
He could just make out the unfamiliar strains of a song he assumed was a lullaby, her lack of musicality hardly a concern when it was so soothing and doting. Rafael looked up from his coffee cup and glanced around the apartment, the toys strewn all over the floor, joyous photos on the credenza, and countless drawings all over the walls confirming what he already knew: Noah was one lucky boy. This was a side to Olivia he'd really only seen in the last few months - so tender, so selfless.
He wanted that - to have her capacity to love, to care for someone else. His heart stirred.
And with that, a fragment of hope buried itself in his chest - small, but unmistakable nonetheless.
Her voice, now a hushed half-whisper (although it still reverberated in the silence of the apartment), roused him from his reverie. "Hey, sorry to keep you waiting," she smiled as she slid next to him on the couch. "It's finally us two."
The tenderness in her kiss - a godsend after two seemingly endless cases had kept them busy for far too long - imbued him with more warmth than any glass of scotch could. If nights at her apartment were going to become a much bigger part of his life from here on, he could happily accept that - especially when he finally could hold her without the chaos of the precinct or a crowded restaurant. He'd never been the kind for quiet evenings at home - it was precisely why he was a regular at Forlini's - but now, they felt like a real possibility that he actually wanted.
Another much-needed fragment of hope.
"It's been a long week, hasn't it?" he remarked, his fingers lightly tracing circles on her upper arm.
"It sure has. Thank goodness it's over." She sighed contentedly into his shoulder, although he knew from the subtle tension in her shoulders that she wasn't completely relaxed - and sure enough, she wasn't. "What a monster of a case this was."
"I'm listening."
She stared out the window at Central Park in the distance. "I guess that having Noah in my life makes me look at cases like these differently. All the emotion, all the stress… sometimes they also make me look at myself a little harder, you know? Wondering if I'm a good parent…"
"You are a great mother, Liv," he interjected without any hesitation.
"I still wonder about that sometimes. Not as often as I used to… but still. Sometimes."
"I've been wondering about that a lot too. About myself."
The words slid off his tongue with a disarming ease, but they didn't fully register until a few seconds later when she straightened and turned to face him, a mix of concern and worry suddenly flooding her eyes.
He'd finally brought up the elephant in the room. It was time to face it.
Rafael broke the silence first. "I think we need to talk about all this, Liv," he said cautiously, careful to keep his tone neutral and gentle. This mattered too much to the both of them to dash into recklessly.
"Is this about the day I had you pick Noah up from daycare? I know it was such short notice and I'm sorry for-"
"No, don't apologise," he interrupted. "You didn't get in the way of my work at all. But..."
She stared at him quizzically, although her eyes betrayed the worry she now was emanating, and silently motioned for him to continue.
"I guess we've never actually talked about how exactly I'm going to fit into you and Noah's life from here on."
The topic seemed simple enough when he phrased it in that way, but he knew from the look that they exchanged that it was on a completely different plane from what they'd dealt with all summer. Suddenly, the peaceful tranquility of Olivia's apartment was clouded by the sheer enormity of this discussion, and Rafael shifted uncomfortably in his seat as anticipated her response.
He studied her face, sensing some of the relief she felt from hearing him declare that this was a matter of how, not if. Noah wasn't an issue they had to table for a debate - they were here to figure out a course of action.
Figuring out a course of action was something they both did for a living. If only those skills were transferable to working out how to care for another human.
Olivia ran through the Noah-related events of the last week or so in her head and realised with a withering guilt that they were probably more than Rafael had handled in a year - heck, perhaps even his entire lifetime, given the life he'd been leading for the last twenty or so years. Their morning derailed by Noah rising at 5.45, having to pick him up from daycare on little notice and with no mental preparation for the sheer chaos of pick-up hour or babysitting experience, her hanging up on him to see to Noah… all these were so ingrained in her that she could do them without a second of hesitation, but it certainly wasn't the same for Rafael, and the troubled frown he wore was confirmation.
It was like he'd read her mind. "I'm not saying that I was unhappy, Liv, but last week was just… a lot. All this is new to me - and I guess I needed some time to figure things out before we talked about them," he explained nervously, his hand never once leaving the small of her back and steadying her just enough to calm the burning guilt in the recesses of her chest.
"I know it was a lot, and I'm sorry for not realising that until now," she replied apologetically. "All this is such a big part of my routine now that I've almost forgotten how flustered I was when I first got Noah. I should've talked to you about all this earlier."
"Well, better late than never, right?" he assured her with a weary - but hopeful smile.
She took a large sip from his mug of coffee, in the hopes that a shot of caffeine would give her the clarity she desperately needed to navigate this minefield. "What happened when you picked Noah up that day? Lucy told me you two got on perfectly fine while I was gone, but tell me - what happened?"
"It was uneventful, for the most part... " he started, to which she looked visibly relieved, "... but that was the first time ever that I was alone with him and I didn't really know what to do. I gave him cookies and milk because that's what he told me Lucy does, and sat here and watched him play with his Legos, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to be doing," he confessed. "Don't even get me started on those daycare parents and nannies I overheard at the pick-up." He recalled that afternoon with a shudder.
She couldn't resist a light chuckle - if even Rafael Barba, who was quite possibly the biggest snob she knew, found these parents insufferable, that more than spoke for itself. "Don't worry - I don't even know where to go with them either. I chose that centre only because they're a few blocks from here."
That was enough to make some of the tension in the air melt away, and Rafael felt her relax into his arms slightly. "I guess I was more unnerved about it than I'd expected," he added after a brief silence. "Because even if I don't end up a daycare parent… I don't know how the hell to be a parent, Olivia. I can't intellectualise this like I always do, and I honestly don't know how long it's going to take for me to learn." He turned to her anxiously, his hands trembling slightly - of course he was going to be honest with her, but honesty was always much easier in theory than in practice. "This could quite possibly be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life."
The hard part was over. He'd told her what was on his mind. Now came the even harder part - figuring out what to do about it.
The walls had completely crumbled, in the same way that she'd always made them fall. He just hoped that they could build them back up again.
Olivia almost didn't know what to do with the tidal wave of emotion that rushed over her. He was scared. Scared was a good thing - he wanted to get this right; he wanted to be a parent. But scared also came with the crippling anxiety of feeling like nothing was ever good enough - an emotion that sometimes threatened to crush her when she was trying to soothe a sobbing Noah at 2am. And here Rafael Barba was, so far from his typically unflappable and methodical way of working through any challenge, looking into her eyes and asking her for help.
It'd been a couple of years and the troublesome twos and threes - not helped an especially vicious caseload at SVU - had kept her mind off the worst of her first forays into parenting, when she'd collapse into bed with dried tears on her cheeks and a crushing weight on her chest because she didn't know how to give without ripping her own heart into two. But the desperation in Rafael's eyes - desperation to get things right - brought her right back into the belly of the beast.
She'd fought through those sleepless nights and frantic mornings alone. But Rafael wasn't going to have to do that. She was the difference.
"You remember Calvin, right?" she started, hoping the name would jog his memory.
"The boy you got custody of without warning one day?" It'd come up in casual conversation once when he'd noticed a thank-you card from a Calvin Arliss hanging on her office wall, proudly announcing that he'd earned a coveted place in Stuyvesant High after acing the entrance exam. How she'd pulled herself together enough to get over the initial shock and impact the boy's life so deeply he still wrote to her more than 5 years later, he didn't quite know, but deduced that it probably had all to do with how damn good of a natural parent Olivia Benson was.
"That's him. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the day Vivian dropped him off at the precinct - and I wasn't significantly more prepared for the day Judge Linden gave me guardianship of Noah… but it all worked out somehow," she reasoned, hoping that it'd give him some much needed assurance. "I know hitting the ground running isn't quite your way of plunging into anything, but if it worked for me…"
"I don't know, Liv. I'm not you," he rebutted somewhat testily, feeling his nagging doubt return in full force. Chaos was a constant in Olivia's life - that was what being an SVU detective more than equipped her for. Of course she had the resilience and resourcefulness to crawl out of the most abysmal situations, from late-night tantrums to knowing just which bodega had what she needed and was open all night. But him? His resilience and resourcefulness consisted largely of finding the most obscure cases to prove a point and the occasional all-nighter hunched over this computer in the deepest recesses of a legal document. Things not even remotely close to interacting with other humans.
"I'm sure you have the requisite skills to be a good parent. Even if you don't have them now, you'll learn fast," she assured him. She could almost feel his skin flush; his breath quicken - he was stressed, and she didn't quite know what else to do about that.
"What if you just wanted to be a parent more than I do?" he interjected, averting eye contact. "You wanted this for far longer than I did, Liv - you wanted kids for years. I went my whole life without even thinking about having kids until things between you and me got serious a month ago. This lifestyle I've been living… it's going to have to change. So pardon me for being more than a little overwhelmed by all this."
They sat in a stunned silence for a minute, letting the enormity of that sink in. Maybe that was it - the crux of the problem, Rafael realised. He wanted this; he wanted it so badly - but was it enough for Olivia? For Noah? There was so much he had to do, and the prospect of it all was almost too immense to take in all at once.
This time, Olivia broke the silence first. "I'm sorry for not talking to you about this before throwing you into the deep end. I don't blame you for being overwhelmed." She reached down to take his hand, heaving a quiet sigh of relief when he didn't pull away. "And I don't mean to dismiss or trivialise any of your concerns. Even if I don't feel them as strongly as I did in the past; even if I've always wanted to be a parent - I know what it feels like to have to give things up to make something new work. And it's scary as fuck, but you're not alone, Rafael."
His eyes fluttered shut as she said his name like it was a healing balm, and she could feel him relax into the couch, which gave her the composure she needed to continue. "We don't have to rush anything. Noah's still young - you have plenty of time to ease yourself into this and get to know him. I don't want you to feel like you're running against a clock - and I certainly don't expect you to become a parent overnight."
The relief that washed over him was immeasurable. At the back of his mind, he'd never doubted that Olivia was patient enough to wait this out while he sorted himself out - but still, hearing that from her made his heart swell.
"I'll have to figure out how not to lose my temper with Noah; how to talk to kids, even. How to make everything work with my schedule. There will be days where I won't know what the hell I'm doing, Liv. None of this is familiar to me. And I just want - need - to know that you're going to be okay with that, because I can't promise that this is going to be easy," he said imploringly, his eyes begging for her honesty.
Her response was confident; certain. "We're going to work through all this together, Rafael."
"Are you absolutely sure?" he pressed.
He couldn't have her sugarcoat things - especially not now. If they were going to do this, they had to be all in. Both of them.
"Look - I know it's not going to be easy, but I want to put in the time and effort to make this work. Whether this takes weeks or months, I don't know, but I'm not going to let you navigate this alone. And I'm absolutely sure about that, because we've fought this hard to get here and I'm not giving up just because we've run into a couple of stumbling blocks."
The steady confidence and determination in her tone were more than enough to put his racing mind to rest, even if just for a while. She tightened her grip on his hand and the warmth of her skin against his, so real in its intimacy, grounded him. He could let her ground him, because they were going to make this work somehow, like they always did. After all, wasn't it the one thing they could always count on?
She'd always been his stabilising force in a job that sometimes felt like an endless stream of chaos. And if the last few months had taught them one thing, it was that he could bare his soul to her in a way he couldn't with anyone else, even his own mother. He could be vulnerable with her, knowing that she'd take it in her stride.
Thank you, he mouthed, although the kiss that she planted on his lips quickly engulfed his words. Her lips were soft and caress gentle and comforting, and the painful, buzzing anxiety he'd been feeling all evening finally took a backseat, every touch assurance that she wasn't going let him swim alone.
This was a side to Olivia he'd really only seen in the last few months - so tender, so selfless - and never had he felt it more sitting on her couch, feeling a profound calm wash over the tension from earlier.
As he drifted off to sleep with Olivia in his arms, Rafael realised he had a choice. He could choose to get caught in his own head and let his worry overwhelm him before he even really started.
Or he could trust himself; trust Olivia. Trust that they'd work through this as one, like they always did. There still was so much to worry about, but he could choose to trust her, and the comfort in that decision was far more than in any intellectualising, parenting manual or pep talk. He was here, in her apartment, in her bed - he wasn't going anywhere, and neither was she.
Why had he been so scared earlier? She was his safe haven, and that was going to get him through whatever came next for them.
And so he chose to trust her, because nothing felt more right than that.