Chapter Thirty-One: Home is where the Heart is
"The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."
― Maya Angelou, All God's Children Need Traveling Shoes
"I have learned that to be with those I like is enough"
― Walt Whitman
"Are you going to go home?" Suga asks me quietly as we near the end of the ride. The sun is setting in the sky as we make our way back home from the city. Our small sleepy town somehow welcomes us but beyond the window I only see shadows.
"Yes, I am," I reply softly.
Most of the boys are still sleeping but Suga and I sit at the front of the bus. This past week I was unable to sleep and get my mind to shut off. My mind can't stand the paranoia from finding out that Gilbert is still in Japan. I would have guessed he would have gotten bored of me and would have given up a month or two ago.
"Do you want me to walk you home?" the boy asks and I shake my head even though I know I should say yes. The boys have been in the dark about Gilbert, my sense of pride not telling them just how scared I am. I did have to confess to them that the paranoia was worse with the change of routine and to just be alert if I do something super crazy.
"I'll walk her home," Tsukki replies across the aisle to me and Suga. I open my mouth and Tsukki merely puts his headphones back on as we turn down the school's street. Guess there's no room for debate about this topic.
To be honest I don't know if I could blame the boys for not letting me be alone. I have been with them for non-stop 2 weeks and they have seen me progressively getting more and more anxious and paranoid. They see that I refuse to let them know what is truly bothering me but they know that there is something amiss. I haven't told anyone about Gilbert and how he is still roaming this country when I know that he doesn't have anything here for him but me.
My routine will go back to normal soon though and I will be at school most of the time. Gilbert can't get me at school. The voices could very well scream at me when I am in classes but at least I know that I won't be hurt by my crazy coach. When I ride the train though, that is when I have to be my most careful. Because I do have a routine of going every Thursday, it is easy to watch, easy to stalk.
"Okay everyone, get some rest over the weekend and we'll see you on Monday," Takeda tells us as he parks the bus. The boys all shift collectively and the snores which had accompanied our journey have slowly stopped. Suga looks at me and I sigh as I prepare myself mentally to be at home. Alone. There will be no one there, regardless of what they say, I tell myself and my inner voice.
I stand slowly as Suga waits for me to exit the bus, his seat being the one next to the window. Tsukki looks at me and I know that the boy has some knowledge of my mind. Him sleeping next to me means that when I don't fall asleep for hours or when I awake from a dream with a jolt, he's the one who knows. He can probably tell with my crankiness that sleep has been eluding me.
The boys exit the bus like zombies and I grab my bag from the storage under the vehicle. Tsukki comes next to me and grabs his while waiting for me to lead the way home. Murmurs of goodbyes are heard and I know that we are all beat from me running them before we got on the bus. They had to finish up strong and I know that since we were off this whole weekend that it would be fine. Turning on my heel, I walk towards home, my beanstalk following silently.
The trek is both short and long. Short because I am so tired that I can zone out and just walk but long because Tsukki keeps lagging, having been tired and his legs probably being sore. There is only the sound of birds flying home and the orange sun tints all the trees and streets with a summer glow. Summer is nice here.
When I open my mouth to tell Tsukki something about how I wonder what winter will be like, his phone rings. The generic cell phone ringtone adds to the song the birds sing and I wait patiently as the boy stops.
"Hello," he answers gruffly, giving me a frown. I smile at him as I wait and see just who it is. The boy frowns even harder and continues the conversation. "I'm walking Katrina home, so I would be home after that."
"If it's trouble you don't-"
"Shh," he chides me as he listens to the other person. I wait silently as I hope that I am not getting him in trouble. The boy sighs and then nods while making a sound of affirmation. And just like that he ends the call and closes his phone. "My mom says I have to bring you with me for dinner."
"Tsukki, you should have told her I don't want to intrude," I complain lightly. He knows that I wouldn't mind going with him to his home. The people there are sunny and full of life. They feel nice.
"You know that I can't tell my mom that. Come on, she said she was making some curry," the boy tells me as he leads the way to his home. I find a smile make its way to my face and know that this will be nice.
"Is your brother home?" I ask Tsukki and the boy 'tsks' loudly. I roll my eyes as I wonder why he dislikes his brother so much. It's not my place to question it though. Being an only child, I can only dream of what might be the matter with them. Better to not bother him and get in the way of my own friendship with Tsukki.
Tsukki starts walking us faster and I can only thank god that I wasn't as sore as him because this pace hurts. We finally come to his street and I can see his home welcome us from the distance with the summer sunset. What is it about summer sunsets that are so magical? My friend opens the gate and I look at the flowers in a planter box to the right of the door. They look like irises but they are such a deep purple that they look red with the sunlight.
"Katrina," Tsukki interrupts my quiet pondering of the flower, and I walk closer to them.
"Tsukki don't they look so pretty?" I whisper in adoration and the boy rolls his eyes and enters his house. I roll my eyes back at him as I look at the flowers, kneeling to be closer to them. I normally don't see this color and the petals are so opaque with the sun going through them. The flower's veins only add more to the shape and I take out my phone. "Tsukki come here and help me take a picture."
"Dumbass," Tsukki complains from the threshold. His bag is gone and so are his shoes. He comes to my side and grabs my phone. He positions it and then shows me his snapshot. I nod and the boy sighs loudly. "Good, now can we eat?"
"Fine," I pout as I look at the picture. My fingers move to my messages and I send the photo to Aone. The caption reads, 'look at them, they're so beautiful. I haven't seen them this color before!' Tsukki grabs my bag to hurry me up as I take off my shoes quickly. He looks over at my phone as I blush. "I sent it to Aone."
"You're so lame," Tsukki mutters and I hit his arm. He just groans as he leads us to the kitchen and I see his mother in a yellow dress and white apron. "Mom, we're home."
"Oh, Hitz-chan!" the woman exclaims and then comes to me first for a hug. Tsukki groans as she eyes him for a hug after me but the boy turns away. I smile largely and hug her back. If Tsukki won't hug his mom, I will, she's so nice. The slow pace of the walk here and her happy nature easing me in my decision to come here. "Kei, did you put your bag in the hallway so I can do the laundry?"
"No, I'll go do it now," the boy mutters with a frown. The woman grabs both of my hands as she leads me to sit at the breakfast bar.
"How was the camp? Did you all have fun?" she asks excitedly and I nod. She smiles even wider and then goes back to the stove. "Good, I'm glad. It was a long time and I missed Kei and you. You have to come over to have dinner more often."
"I will thank you," I tell her and know that it's the truth.
In the past weeks, I didn't get any space but now with going back to being alone all the time, I don't know if I will be able to be comfortable again so quickly. My phone buzzes and I look at it to see a text from Aone. My eyes light up and the woman catches my blush as I anticipate what the boy will say.
"Who is it?" she asks and I blush as I bite my lip. Tsukki catches the question and his mom looks at him. Then the boy looks at me and smirks. I shake my head with a pout and he laughs.
"It's probably her boyfriend," my friend teases and I stick my tongue out. Tsukki's mother gasps and I look down in shame. I don't know why I feel shame but maybe it's because I am dating a boy when I'm so young. I didn't have any expectations as far as what parents will expect of me so I don't know if this woman will approve.
"Kei you didn't tell me," Tsukki's mom chides the boy and I look up to see she has a smile on her face. She isn't disappointed in us? "That's great Hitz-chan, does he go to your school? What year is he?"
"Um, he's a second-year and he goes to Date Tech. He's very nice and he plays volleyball," I tell the woman and she stirs the pot in her hand frantically. I don't know how she can stir so quickly and I realize it's because she wants to talk about boys so she wants to be done with dinner as soon as possible. I guess since she doesn't have daughters, that she is excited to have me at least.
The woman goes around the kitchen to finish with the preparation so that she can stop for a minute. She has her hair pulled back and I wonder how it would be to come home and see my mom. I have very few memories of my mother. My mind muses as I wonder what clothes she wears now and if she has dyed her hair. I wonder if it's graying or if she wears a certain color of lipstick. There is so much I don't remember or maybe that I never learned. Does everyone know what color is their mom's favorite or what her favorite food is? Do they know how their mom met their dad or how they take their coffee?
"Kei, you should tell me these things! You know Hitz-chan doesn't live with her mom and you know that she has to have me for advice," Tsukki's mom jolts me out of my thoughts. Tsukki scoffs and the woman waves the spoon with which she was just stirring, red curry liquid threatening to drip on the floor. "Don't give me that. This is important!"
"I don't mean to make you angry," I jump in quickly. Tsukki sees his opportunity for escape and has made himself scarce with the conversation, having started the television in the room next to us. Tsukki's mom looks anything but angry with me when I look back at her and she replaces the spoon on the spoon rest. She comes quickly to my place and holds my face with both of her hands.
"Nonsense. My mom and dad worked so much and I never got to talk to my mother about anything before she passed away. Your mom isn't here and I have a duty as Kei's mother to make sure that you know you can ask me anything," she says strongly.
I swallow as I wonder once again how this can be so easy. Can I really tell this woman anything that I would think a daughter should tell a mother? It's not as if I have a point of view of whether I should tell my mom this or that. Sometimes, it's hard to remember that I have a mom. That's because my mother hates me. I am nothing but a reminder of her horrible parenting and her negligence.
"Thank you," I reply and in my mind, I add the question of is this how it's supposed to be or if I am just a burden.
"So about this boy," Tsukki's mom chimes in happily. She goes back to stirring and I smile as I don't try to think about how I should be able to be alone. Maybe it's selfish of me to want to have a mom or maybe I am actually missing out on something that should be a given. "He's nice?"
"Yes, he is very nice. He is quiet and he rides the train with me on the way back from the capital. We've been friends since I started at Karasuno even though he doesn't go there."
"It must be difficult for him to be at another school. Do you talk to him often?"
"We text a lot and we talk on the phone sometimes," I tell her and Tsukki sounds like he's choking on air for a second.
"You talked to him every lunch when we were at the training camp!" Tsukki confesses with a groan and I know that he wants us to stop this girl talk but it's nice. I wave at him and his mom rolls her eyes at her son. My face is warm but Tsukki's mother is smiling like she won a lottery.
"That's good. He must really like you to want to talk all the time."
"Yah, he's really quiet but I like it when we talk. I think he likes talking on the phone with me but it's nice to talk to him all the time. He's just a really good guy," I mutter with my ears on fire. I am basically admitting that I like talking to him a lot and I feel like a dumb girl.
"Oh, I remember when I was dating Kei's father. I was a second-year and he was a third-year. He was so cool and he asked me out after school one day. I remember we were under a cherry blossom tree and he was so cool and then after he was so completely nervous. He wouldn't even hold my hand for a month! When he would call my house, he would freak out if my dad answered and he hung up on him once. I teased him about it afterward."
"Mom, this is so embarrassing," Tsukki laments from the couch and I laugh at his face. His mom waves him off and I see her turn to me with mischievous eyes.
"Hey, it's not that embarrassing. So Hitz-chan, do you have a picture of him? How did he ask you out? What is your favorite part about him? I have to say that I love Eiko's smile. That and he was always so sure of himself," the woman gushes and I can't help but want to answer her questions. I know that our situation isn't the same but it is fun to talk about boys and she isn't embarrassing me. She genuinely wants to know and it's partly because she wants to talk about Tsukki's dad. She must have really wanted to have a daughter and got stuck with two boys.
"I don't have a picture of him. I'm not really good with technology. And we just kinda started dating. We were friends and he just asked me out officially before we left," I tell her and she nods.
"And what do you like best about him?" she asks me as I blush. I put my finger to my lips as I think. His personality and just how he is silently strong is so nice but she mentioned something physical. I mean, I like that he is tall but that's not really something I would gush over. His hair is soft and I like to touch it. I smile even larger as I look at the woman who waits expectantly.
"I like his eyes," I tell her in a whisper and she nods happily. "And I like that he is quiet. We talk to each other but he just, he can tell what I'm thinking sometimes without me telling him."
"Ah that's so amazing," she tells me back, and then the front door opens. A voice calls out that they are home and a man in a suit walks in. The man is tall and has glasses like Tsukki's while having dark brown hair. As the man finds me sitting down with his wife he makes a reserved smile. I get off my chair and slightly freak out with the man's larger body and warm smile.
"Hello, I am Katrina Hitz. Thank you for letting me into your home," I quickly say as I bow. The man laughs deeply and I stare at his dress shoes. I have never met Tsukki's father before.
"Sweetheart, this is Kei's friend I was telling you about. She coaches the boy's team."
"Yes, I remember. Hitz-chan there's no need to bow, it's a pleasure to have one of Kei's friends here for dinner."
I pop back up and the man gives a blinding smile. He's good-looking for a dad I guess but I can see how Tsukki's mom was so excited about him. There is something about him that makes him cool. It might be how he holds himself and how he seems taller than he already is or it could be that his smile which is warm and inviting is also balanced with a strong jawline. I smile largely at him and he nods as he passes me and goes to his wife. The man leans down and gently kisses her and I turn away quickly to give them privacy.
Instead, I open my phone and look at the text Aone had sent. I can feel myself blush as I read his words and wonder where he got so bold.
'They are beautiful just like you. I think I know where we should go on a date. Do you want to go Saturday afternoon?'
"You guys are annoying," Tsukki murmurs to me as I walk over to the couch to sit with him. I am hyper aware of my blush when he takes a look at me and then sighs while shaking his head. "So annoying."
"Whatever, you're just lame," I reply as I go back to texting Aone. It's a good thing I didn't go home; I like Tsukki's family. I glance towards the window as the night has fallen and it is dark. It's a good thing that I am not out there alone.
Later that night after I ate with the Tsukishima family, I was sitting on the couch with Tsukki and watching some detective movie he put on. The sky outside was dark and I shifted nervously while thinking about how I have to go home in the dark. Maybe it would have been better if I had gone home with the sunset.
"Okay, are you going to go home now?" Tsukki asks and I finally realize that the movie has ended. The boy looks at me and frowns. He's had enough social interaction for the day and is drained. "I can walk you home really quick."
"Uh, yah, that would," I say quietly but my voice gets so small that it has stopped completely. Tsukki tilts his head and I bite my lip. The boy sighs loudly and I know he is getting angry with me keeping him in the dark about something. That and he's just cranky about not having gone to sleep.
"Spill. I want to shower and go to sleep," he complains angrily. I look at my hands and can hear the voices at the corners of my mind, threatening to overtake.
"I, I called Erwin before we left. I had questions for him but he told me that," I take a deep breath in here and wonder what I should say. "Gilbert never left Japan. Conrad, who was with Erwin when I called, he and Gil were friends. He stayed in touch with Gilbert and said that Gilbert had never left. He's still here and I'm worried."
"Wait your crazy coach Gilbert?" Tsukki whispers angrily and I lift my head to see that he is angry. I nod and he scoffs angrily. "He's so fucking annoying."
"I'm sorry," I reply to his anger. He nods and then gets up swiftly. I move to stand up but the boy waves me to stay sitting. The tv has turned to some nature channel and I watch as the lions circle a gazelle. That's me. Those lions are the voices. I look back out the window and see the darkness illuminated by a street light. I am okay and there is nothing bad out there. There is nothing bad out there.
But there might be Gilbert out there. He might be out there waiting for me to leave this house. What will he do if he catches me? What will happen if I can't fight him off? He is stronger than me and I know that I am all bark and my bite doesn't pierce the skin. Maybe we should give in? Maybe it would be best not to worry everyone? Maybe I can be like how I was? Maybe it wasn't that bad?
My brain starts the process of deluding itself that the abuse wasn't as bad as I remembered. The voices only made it feel worse than it was. Maybe Gilbert was a good coach and I just overreacted. But this fear, this fear is real. I am afraid of him but it could be an irrational fear just like how I am scared of shadows or sitting near windows or them.
Who knows maybe I am the crazy one? Maybe he was a good coach who cared about me and that I imagined everything. Maybe I should just talk to him. If he wasn't like how I dreamt of, then maybe I can play again. Maybe he can take me to a nationals team where I will be accepted.
"Hitz-chan, I put out the futon in Akiteru's room since he isn't here. We can walk you in the morning to your apartment," Tsukki's father says and jolts me to turn around. The man is in pajamas, white t-shirt and plaid pants like Tsukki wore during the training camp. His brown hair goes over his forehead and I feel my mouth fall open then close.
"No, what, I am sorry. I don't want to be a burden. I can," I start and then can feel my clammy hand wring around my wrist with some unconscious motion. I stop and look at my hands as they shake. "I am sorry."
"Don't apologize, we will make sure your apartment is okay tomorrow morning. You come over whenever you need to, you are always welcome. Kei told me that you live alone and my wife was alone a lot in high school, so she wants to make sure you are okay."
When Tsukki's father stops, my mouth opens with fear. I see Tsukki watching our interaction from the hallway and turning back to his father, I stare at the man and then look down in shame. I know that they are nice people but I shouldn't have to be taken care of or maybe this is just what having people who care feels like.
"I am sorry. I have been alone for a long time, so I am not ungrateful," I say in a small voice. Tsukki's dad tilts his head just like his son but has a curious expression. "I don't know if I am being too much of a burden but I appreciate you and your family. There hasn't been a lot of family in my life but I think this is how it would feel. Thank you."
"Of course," Tsukki's father says as he smiles softly. "We consider you part of our family and to be honest, my wife always wanted a daughter. You just give her an excuse to talk about girl stuff."
"It is fun!" I giggle and Tsukki has made his way to his father while rolling his eyes. "Thank you though, I really appreciate it."
"Come on, I will show you where the room is and you can wear some of my mom's pajamas," Tsukki tells me and I follow the boy into the house. Is this the first time I feel like I actually have a family? Is this how it is supposed to feel? Am I doing this right?
"Seriously, why did I let you guys talk me into this?" I ask Hinata and Kageyama. They had begged me all morning to come to the gym and help them with their hitting. Everyone else was resting like we should be doing but no, here I am with these two dumbasses.
"Katrina, you have to help us!" Hinata whines as I text Aone. I roll my eyes at him as I try to make plans to go on my date later today.
"You know I kept saying that I am libero, that I am not a hitting expert. I just think that it has something to do with the timing. You have to just picture it and the ball has to be timed right," I tell them as Kageyama angrily squeezes the ball in his hands. Sitting, I know I am just here for supervision and keys to the building. I am practically useless after that.
"And why are you dressed like that and not in practice clothes?" Kageyama whines for the tenth time.
I look at him and pout, having already gone over the reason. I wear a sundress with a cardigan over the white cotton material. The dress actually had spaghetti straps and was such a light fabric but went to my mid thigh the end of the dress decorated with lace. I had wrapped my arms under the blue cardigan but am almost regretting the feeling of safety almost smothering my paranoia. My feet had a pair of slip-on flats also a blue color. My hair was in a fishtail braid so it was different from my normal braid but I didn't have time to do my hair.
"I told you that I didn't think we were going to do this today so I wanted to go to Sendai," I mutter angrily. It is too early for them to be giving me all this attitude. "I didn't even get to do my hair for my date."
"Wait, you're going on a date?" Hinata yelled as he missed a toss from Kageyama. The brunette lost his mind and huffed and kicked the volleyball at the ginger. Instead, it missed and I had to dodge the ball lest I get a black eye before my first date with Aone.
"Yes I am and hopefully I am not late because of you dumbasses," I complain. Hinata jumps over to me and then jumps over to Kageyama. The setter frowns but when Hinata grabs his hands and forces him to jump in happiness, his face gets a little softer.
"Kageyama! Katrina is going on a date!" Hinata proclaims and I blush with his happiness.
"When are you leaving? I wanted to practice until noon at least," the setter says unhappily. Hinata halts their jumping and goes to hit him. Kageyama grabs his head and the two begin to hit each other's arms.
"What are you three doing?" a voice calls and I turn quickly to find my co-coach.
"Oh great you're here," I say as I pick up a small backpack that I had packed for today. Ukai is angry in gym shorts and a black shirt. I look at my friends and they have wide-open mouths. "You're going on a field trip with Ukai. I am leaving. Do not call me tomorrow to come to watch you dumbasses fight."
"Katrina, you're leaving?" Hinata yells and Kageyama slaps his stomach with the back of his hand.
"She's going on a date, remember?" Kageyama says to his small spiker. Hinata looks up at him with an angry face but it turns excited right after when he looks at me.
"A date?" Ukai asks quickly and I sigh as I pass him.
"Yes and now I am leaving so I am not late," I tell the man. Exiting the gym and the bright light shines in my eyes. The hair on the back of my neck stands up as I begin to leave the gym behind. There is no one out here on the weekend and the day is filled with light and the wind that blows through the trees.
I am okay. There is nothing wrong and there is no one out there. I am okay, I reiterate time and time again as I flinch with the sound of a car passing. Making my way to the street, I begin the trek to the train. I keep my phone in my hand, white knuckle grip threatening to snap the item in two. I had texted Aone that I was worried about walking to the train before I even left the gym; Hinata had picked me up in the morning so walking to the gym wasn't the problem it was now that I was alone. I had told Aone about Gilbert this morning and how Tsukki and his father had to walk me home and check my home for any intruders.
Aone was not happy with that and he wanted to come to pick me up. I told him not to because I can't be with someone 24/7 and I had to face my paranoia alone. There was something that made me feel weak with being scared of shadows and to always be looking over my shoulder. The train station is in the distance as I feel my phone buzz. It is probably Aone asking if I made it to the train yet.
As I get to the ticket man, he waves at me. We know each other by now and the middle-aged man smiles at me.
"You're normally not riding on the weekend. What are you going for?" he asks me as he rings me up. I frown at him and he laughs. "Okay, well you don't have to tell me. Just have fun."
"Thanks," I mutter as I grab the ticket and head to the train. Waiting the time for the train to pull into the station, I look at my phone. Aone did text and it was only to confirm I was getting on the train. I text him back a confirmation that I was getting on in a second as I looked around nervously.
I need to make sure that I send it when I am actually on the train. What if I send it but somehow Gilbert catches before I can get on? Then there will be no way to actually know where I was. It would so dumb if I had thwarted my own rescue because of myself. Do people think like this? Most definitely not, my voice answers as I step into the train. I sit quickly and text Aone that I got on the train.
Now starts the long ride to the Sendai station. The train is filled with students who are going out for a fun summer weekend. The train is more packed and a group of boys look at me and with my foreign self they are in awe. I give them a pointed look to leave me alone and they all shudder as they return to their own conversation. I quietly look at my phone blankly as my hand goes into my pocket for my house keys. I grab the metal daggers and put them between my knuckles as I breathe in deeply.
A group of girls my age sit across from me and I can hear them talk about what bakery they want to go to before they see the movie. My brain lazily wonders where Aone is going to take us. He had said he thought he knew where we would go but I really didn't have a clue. He had not asked me if anything was cool or if there was anything, in particular, I had wanted to see.
My body stiffens as we get to a new stop and more people board the train. I sit still as if moving quickly would give my position away to the world. The whole ride I keep my keys clenched in one hand and I pick at my nail bed of the thumb of that hand. Before I know it, the train is crammed and I am two stops away from my destination. My fingers pick at my nail bed as my eyes scan the people rapidly for signs of him or them.
"Excuse me," a voice says and I jump with the person next to me jolting me from my thoughts. Holding my breath I turn to see it's a woman and she looks at me with concerned eyes. "You're bleeding."
"What?" I respond and she points to my hand which has picked skin to the point I have started bleeding. I look and flail slightly. The kind woman takes out a kleenex and hands it to me.
"Your dress was so pretty I wanted to make sure you didn't get blood on it," she replies and I take her appearance in. She is around mid 50s and wears a pink kimono. Her hair is pulled back and I let the keys in my hand slip out and into my pocket as I wrap the kleenex around my thumb.
"Thank you," I whisper and then resume my scared scanning of the train car.
"Are you meeting some friends?" she asks and I bite my lip. Why does she want to know? Who cares about me? She tilts her head in curiosity and I shake my head but then nod after. Do I lie? It's like when someone scary comes to the door and asks if your parents or someone is home. Yes my parents are here and they are very scary, my voice says quickly in nervousness.
"I'm meeting someone," I tell her quietly and my stop is announced.
I put my keys into my bag and stand. She smiles happily and I hesitantly nod to her. This is weird or maybe I am just paranoid. The train pulls into the station and I catch a glimpse of Aone as he waits for me. The train stops and I look back at the lady to see that she is gone. I turn around several times and don't know where she might have gone. Holding the kleenex to my thumb harder, the doors of the train open and I jump off.
Turning around again, I see the lady is back in her seat. Shaking my head I wonder how she has materialized right where she was again when I knew she wasn't there a second ago. People shift around me and I get bumped by someone only to trip into a body. Looking back around I see that it's Aone. His eyes scan me, hands on both my shoulders to keep me upright and I look back at the train to see the lady waving slightly. This feels weird, I think as I give a thin lipped smile and nod.
"What's wrong?" Aone asks and I look back at him and he is staring towards the train. His face is tense and I hold my hand closer to my body as the blood feels like it has finally clotted.
"Nothing. I just picked my finger and it was bleeding. A lady on the train gave me a kleenex," I tell him and he looked back down at me. Looking around, I can't see an end to the sea of people and my breath catches in my throat.
He can see my discomfort of being with all these people and he puts his arm around my shoulder and leads me out of the crowded station. Coming out into the light, I take a breath of relief as people are not around us. Aone leads us to a bench further down the street and sits me on it as he looks at my hand. He gestures for me to give him my hand and takes the kleenex away to see that I pulled a cuticle all the way across the bed of my nail away from my skin.
"Bandaid," he whispers and I move my hand to grab my backpack.
"I have one here," I tell him quietly and find one on the outside pocket. Aone nods as he grabs it and bandages my thumb. The boy softly holds my hand afterwards and breathes in deeply, slight shudder to the inhale. I can only wonder how much anxiety he went through wondering if I would be okay riding the train. "I'm okay now. Thank you."
Aone looks at me and his hand which just held my hand moves and he strokes my cheek gently. I smile widely and can feel my skin burn with his fingertip dragging along towards my ear. I can finally look at the boy and know he got dressed up. He wears a white button down shirt with a gray stripe. The sleeves are folded up at the elbow and he wears the shirt underneath a light green sweater vest. His pants are black jeans which he rolled up slightly at the bottom. He wears black and white sneakers with green socks like his sweater vest.
"You look nice," the boy interrupts my analysis and I smile even larger as he pulls my hand to stand me up.
"You do too," I reply happily and he blushes slightly. I would have never known how he dressed because we are always in uniforms but he looks nice. I am suddenly happy that my dress is cute and summery as the boy starts to lead our trek down the street. "Where are we going?"
Aone squeezes my hand and I look at him to see an excited smile. I nod, understanding that he wants to keep it a secret. We walk through the city and I can feel my body relax with every step. I am glad that the boy is here and that I don't feel nervous with him. He is one thing that I can count on to be steady.
We go down a couple of blocks in silence until I see a large building in the distance. People seem to be around the entrance and I look at the name. I smile largely and turn to the boy as he leads us to it. There is a large sign that proclaims the name and a fish that looks like Nemo is next to the words.
"Are we going to the aquarium?" I ask as he walks us to the line for tickets. Looking at him he smiles even larger as he nods. I nod excitedly and he smiles triumphantly that I like his choice of places. "Have you ever been here?"
The boy shakes his head and we wait in line quietly for our tickets, my own body vibrating with excitement. Fish are cool. I had never had any pets but there was a year that our class had a fish tank. We got to name the fish and I remember that we learned about the kinds in our tank. I know that this isn't the same but I was excited to see the fish with Aone.
"Hello, how many in your party?" a man asks as we get to the cashier. Aone puts two fingers up with his free hand and the man nods. I give the man my card sneakily before Aone can hear the price and the boy pulls my arm in surprise. The cashier doesn't catch the boy's anger and I shake my head as Aone frowns.
"You can buy dinner," I tell him and he sulks for a second before he is handed my card and tickets. I replace my card in my backpack and Aone leads us to the door. A woman scans our tickets and we enter the building, my eyes adjusting to the blue lights. It's much darker than the daylight outside and I look up to see we have to walk through a short tunnel that has an aquarium built around it.
Aone stops and we both look up to see fish of all different colors swimming above us. An eel comes out of a rock to the right of the tunnel and I pull the boy to watch as it backs into the rock it just left. People gather behind us and we are forced to walk through the tunnel into the rest of the facility. The smile I have hurts my cheeks and I squeeze Aone's hand gently.
"Hm?" Aone mumbles as he looks at me from his observation of the marine life.
"I love this, thank you," I tell him happily and his eyes widen and he turns red. Turning away he mumbles something about how he is glad but I can barely catch it. Looking to my right there are more tanks with more fish. Aone leads towards the way I am looking and I see other couples joyously looking at the fish. This is the best first date ever and I know that it has just started, but I couldn't have asked for anything better.
Holding Aone's hand we begin our path through the aquarium. Fish of all kinds look back at the onlookers and we just stare in wonder. There are fish from the rivers and lakes and ocean. Infographics explain the nuances of most species and I smile happily with our slow meandering. I sometimes look at Aone and find that he has a gaze of amazement, eyes shining brightly. Feeling a blush come to my face almost every moment I stare because I think about how handsome he is and how excited he is with me, happiness radiating from us both.
"Look," I say as I pull the boy towards an aquarium. Jellyfish somehow glow with the blacklight and I stare in wonder at their listless floating. Looking back at Aone, he is staring at me with a slightly parted mouth. I smile and he blushes and looks away. "Can you take a picture?"
Aone makes a noise of confirmation and I continue to look at the jellyfish in wonder. They look almost purple with the light and I watch their tentacles sway. It looks almost like lace and I wonder if they are this beautiful in the ocean. Surely the light there would make them look different. Aone grabs my sleeve as he shows me a picture of the largest jellyfish in the tank, my face of wonder in the reflection of the glass.
"Thank you," I reply to him and he nods, happy that I approved of his photograph. I resume my staring as Aone grabs my hand. He lets us watch the jellyfish a little more before he pulls us to another tank, this one bigger but more for a river. Turtles of different kinds swim in the greenish water and some sunbathe on a log under a heating lamp.
Aone smiles largely and I watch him more than I watch the turtles. His face looks so softly at the animals and I can feel butterflies enter my stomach. There is something about his expression and how he can be so big yet so much like a kid. His smile is small and I know others can only see his height, intimidating physique scaring most people and the strong expression he wears when he is overthinking, not catching this moment of innocent joy.
We wait there for a while as I stare at Aone in what I could only define as pure love. I want him to be happy and I can tell that he is happy right now. For all that it's worth, maybe I can make him happy regardless of the voices in my head. Is it wrong to think that they can destroy everything even when we have moments like this? Maybe they and this moment are just different sides of a coin. It's the whole time we have, I can't guarantee that we will always be happy or I will always be sane, but maybe this moment is worth the other negative ones.
The day, the hours pass as if we weren't even awake. Before we knew it we had seen all the fish and some a second or third time. It was late afternoon and exiting the aquarium, we found the sun setting. The darkness of the building didn't allow us to know how much time we had spent, hand in hand looking in wonder.
"Where do you want to get dinner?" I ask Aone and he looks across the street. It looks like a cafe and ramen shop. When I glance up at him, he tilts his head in a questioning manner. "I think ramen would be good."
"Okay," he says quietly and begins to lead us to the light to cross the street. People avoid us but somehow not out of malice but more surprise at my large companion. If people do give a look of fear or anger, I give back a deadly glare. Aone catches on with people who hurry away that it's not him and looking down at me and my angry look, that it's his spitfire girlfriend they're afraid of.
"People are so annoying," I mutter when Aone gives a person a blank look when they glare back at me. The person jumps with Aone's look and they scurry away.
Aone drags me to the ramen shop, entering to see booths. A sign says to seat ourselves and the boy waits for me to lead us to a booth in the middle of the restaurant, one of the only ones open. People talk and it's almost as loud as a gym. Aone sits across from me and we look at the menu that is on the table. Our comfortable silence leads us to watch the people around us. A waitress comes and takes our order and the menus and we are forced to look at each other and actually converse. But there is still a lightness about the whole day and I smile at him gently.
"Aone, what's your favorite color?" I ask suddenly as he looks around me at the couple behind us. The boy purses his lips and then motions to me. "Do you want me to guess? I would say it was blue."
"Purple," he says with an amused tone and then looks at me. I smile back at him and he guesses, "green?"
"That's no fair, I feel like I told you," I tease and he shakes his head. The waitress returns with water for us and I grab the glass as I feel parched. I drink the water and then tilt my head. "What else do people talk about on a first date?"
Aone shrugs and I can't help but giggle. We have no clue what we're doing but everything about this is easy. I scratch my arm slightly as I turn to see the sun completely leaving the now night sky. There is darkness out there and I breathe in shakily. Aone reaches across the table and grabs my hand lightly, forcing me to look at him.
"Sorry, I just get worried when it gets dark right now," I tell him honestly. The boy nods and then I think about what I am going to do when I have to leave Aone. How will I get home? "I think I am going to ask Suoh to take me home. I don't want to ride the train."
"Okay," he says in approval and I text my caretaker while Aone rubs my hand. People around us laugh and I breathe in deeply with the feeling of safety Aone's hand lends me. I am okay and we are okay. No one can hurt me if I am with him.
"He says he can't be here for another two hours. I don't think we can wait here that long," I tell the boy as Suoh asks why I am at Sendai. I blush as I text the man about how I went on a date. "He's going to be so annoying about this and make me tell him every minute of today."
Aone laughs and I roll my eyes as my phone blows up with Suoh triple texting me. I tell him I am ignoring him and to tell me when he gets close as I put my phone back on the table face down. A new couple has come in and they sit to our left and are around our age. I wonder if summer romance is a thing and how many of these couples are new. I am reminded of Tsukki's parents and how they are high school sweethearts, yet somehow still together and strong. I wonder how Aone's parents met or what they do.
"Aone what does your mom do?" I ask quietly as I turn back to him. Aone takes his hand back as he drinks some water and sits up straighter than before. He's nervous since we're talking now like we're on a date. I offer a small smile to him and he puts down his glass.
"She's a nurse," he tells me and I nod. "She works night shifts."
"Oh, that's why you watch your sister. Your sister is in elementary?"
"Yes she's 8," he replies and I can see a small smile creep in as he remembers something sad and happy at the same time. "My dad left when she was born so it's only been my mom and sister and me."
"I'm sorry," I whisper and then feel my face contort into a sad expression as he shakes his head as if to say it's not a worry. He looks at me and I know that the conversation has to change to be me now. "I don't have siblings so I don't understand how those relationships work, and my parents are always gone so I understand that part. When I was at Tsukki's house, I realized I didn't even know what mom and dad's favorite color was anymore."
"I'm sorry," he whispers back and this time I shake my head. I lean my elbow on the table and prop my head up, hand under my chin.
"Sometimes I wonder what family is like and what is the norm but I think I have realized that everyone has a different idea of that. You have family and I do too but even though both of our families aren't what people think of, that doesn't make them any less family. Family is more about who loves you and who you deem as family," I muse to the boy and he shrugs lightly.
He gives me a small smile and then I watch the waitress bring our food. I look at the ramen hungrily and realize that I haven't eaten anything since early this morning. Reaching into my backpack I take out my medicine and swallow it before anyone in the restaurant can think of it. Aone smiles as he looks at our food expectantly. We eat in a moderate silence, me chiming in that the food is good. The boy towards the end of the meal looks at my bowl and doesn't remove his eyes. I have stopped eating and realize a piece of pork remains, the large piece of meat looking back at Aone with imaginary eyes.
"Do you want it?" I ask him and he gets red with being caught envying the meat. I laugh as I push the bowl towards him and he grabs it quickly with his chopsticks and puts it in his.
"Thank you," he whispers above the crowd and I watch in amusement as he blushes further. The meal ends and Aone pays to his satisfaction and I only roll my eyes in jest as he proudly gives the waitress the money. The boy stands after and I look out to the darkness as I follow behind him and out of the restaurant. Standing on the street, there is an eerie silence and I feel myself gravitate closer to the boy. My arms move of their own accord and I wrap them around his arm, pulling him into me.
"Sorry," I tell him and can hear the voices telling me a shadow to the right is Gilbert. I squeeze Aone's arm harder and close my eyes as I calm myself. The boy allows me to get composed and I breathe in and out gently. "Suoh isn't going to be here for a while still."
"We'll go to my house," the boy says and begins to pull me down the street. I have my eyes still shut and I hold Aone tightly as I press my face into his sleeve. Somehow not being able to see the shadows and the street is calming and scary at the same time. I can't watch every single person and alleyway to make my mind jump to conclusions but at the same time, I have to trust Aone completely to be aware.
"I'm sorry. I feel like I'm overreacting and that I am just being a nuisance," I say and Aone brings me closer to him.
"No you are not a nuisance and not overreacting."
My face is warm and my stomach is light as I feel embarrassed with him holding me so close. We walk slowly and the boy stops us. I peek to see we are at a small apartment complex. The boy leads us up the stairs and I wonder how the apartment complex can seem so domestic around the tall business buildings of the capital. He stops at the fifth door and moves to get his keys. I let go of him as he opens the door and reveals a cute home.
I can see a small couch and a coffee table with plants and a coloring book. Aone leads us further in and I take off my shoes as well as him. He gestures for me and I grab his hand. Further into the home is a hallway for bedrooms and then the kitchen is on the other side. A small sink and small stove take up most of the space and a tv is mounted on the wall with a skinny table underneath holding movies and what looks like cds.
"Do you have any pets?" I ask Aone as I look around and wonder how the plants are perfectly healthy when I can barely keep a succulent alive.
"No," he moans and gives me an annoyed look. "Keiko wants a cat though."
"Yah, no, a cat would drop literally everything here," I laugh at him and he gestures as if to say 'thank you'.
"Where is your sister?" I ask as I realize that I am alone with Aone in his apartment. This feels very different and more embarrassing than when he was at my apartment. Maybe it's because there are people who live here and we're alone not because it was inevitable.
"With my aunt," he replies and I nod as he leads us to sit on the couch. He starts the tv for background noise and I look at my phone to see that Suoh is asking for an address. I hand my phone to Aone and he types the reply for me and I curl up on the couch. Aone then presents two different movies and I shrug as if to tell him I do not care. He nods and then puts one in the DVD slot.
"Aone?" I ask and the boy turns around and sits on the couch gently. He quirks his head at me and I smile a small smile. I wonder if he had fun. I wonder if this was as fun for him as it was for me. Something about his expression makes my breath catch in my throat and I lose the question on my tongue. "Nevermind."
He slightly raises an eyebrow and we turn back to the television to watch the action movie. I can feel my eyes get tired, curling my body into Aone as he sits straight up. The boy is emanating nervous energy as time goes on and finally, I get a text from Suoh that says he will be here in ten minutes. Showing Aone, he frowns as his face is stuck in a harsh pout. He stands up quickly and goes to the tv, turning the movie off.
"What's wrong?" I ask him as he twists his hands around each other. He begins to pace and I wait patiently as he frowns more and more. After some moments of Aone looking at me and then looking away, I stand up and he stops suddenly in front of me and looks down.
"Did you have fun?" he whispers and I giggle a bit. He widens his eyes and I grab his hand quickly before he can think that I am making fun of him.
"I was going to ask you that too. Yes I had so much fun. Did you have fun?" I ask softly. Aone nods vigorously and his hand raises to stroke my cheek. I melt under his fingertips and close my eyes. "I like it when you hold my hand and touch my cheek. It feels nice."
Aone's hand stops and I open my eyes a bit to see him blushing to his ears. He takes his hand away as he coughs into a fist, trying to hide his face. My skin is hot and I look down at the floor, hoping that he doesn't think I am weird. I know I say a lot of weird stuff but I don't think that it's bad, only embarrassing.
"Are you sure I'm not scary?" he whispers and I bite my lip as I hold back my smile. Looking up at him I shake my head.
"You're not scary. You make me feel safe and nervous but a good kind of nervous, you know, like the nervous you get when you blush and like someone a lot," I reply in a small voice.
Aone practically shrinks with embarrassment and I grab the hand he is using to hide his face. He allows me to drag it away and then the sudden ringing of a doorbell scares us. Aone and I both look at the door and we know that our date is over. I give a sigh as I wonder if it's bad that I wish I could just fall asleep on the couch with him while watching the movie. He makes me feel so at ease and I am going to miss this when I get home. Aone sighs also as we slowly walk to the door. He opens it and reveals a very sleepy Suoh in adidas track pants and white t-shirt.
"I hope nothing sexual was going on here," Suoh teases quickly and I scoff as I push him out the door, not letting him in.
"Don't be ridiculous. Go wait in the car I will be right there," I order and Suoh laughs as he rubs his eyes. He's going to have to drive me home and now I am wondering if I will die because he doesn't seem to be completely awake. Looking back at Aone with a blush, I murmur, "he's going to be so annoying."
Aone laughs as he moves so I can put on my shoes. I stand and slip them on, not wanting to leave and not wanting this happiness to stop. I look back up at Aone and he somehow found a smirk on his face and I roll my eyes at the look. He can't help but tease me with my guardian. To get him to stop, I grab his arm and pull him into me for a hug. The boy wraps his arms around me, squeezing me gently into him. He's so gentle and I can't help but bury my face in the green sweater trying to get me to stop blushing.
When I release him I realize that he has a hand putting a hair behind my ear. Looking up, Aone gives me a serious gaze and I feel as if I am somehow completely vulnerable to him. I feel naked in a way and my stomach feels weightless. I can somehow see a question in his eyes, as if he is asking for permission. My head nods softly and then Aone is leaning down. The heels of my feet rise as I try to get higher and closer to him.
My eyes close slowly and my lips part as I feel Aone's warm breath on me. My head spins with anticipation and my heart pounds. My hand which had never left his presence moves to the front of his shirt and gently pulls down. Our lips meet and I am hyper aware of how hot his lips are and how cold mine feel. It's only a second before Aone lifts up and I know it was nothing but a gentle peck but I want to do it again.
I pull him down one more time and this time my top lip fits between his. I can feel his lips quirk up and can't help but smile also. My leg begins to hurt and I slowly release Aone and return to have my feet flat back on the ground. I open my eyes and find Aone looking at me in wonder. I breathe out heavily as if all the anxiety of waiting for this moment decompresses.
"Katrina hurry up!" Suoh yells and I know from the proximity that he didn't go to the car.
"I'm coming right now!" I yell back and I wonder how this quiet boy puts up with me when I am such a loud girl. I look back at Aone and he is giving me a small smile. He opens the door for me and I step out and look back at him in the threshold. "I'll tell you when I get home. Thank you for today. It was amazing."
"I'm glad you like it," he whispers and then pats the top of my head. Suoh laughs from his position down the walkway and I turn and glare at him. The man shrinks away and I look back at Aone with a large grin. He looks at me with a serious look again as he strokes my cheek. The moment is over in a heartbeat and my heart pounds with happiness. Walking away from Aone, I find Suoh grabbing me by my shoulder and looking like the Cheshire cat.
"So, where did you go? Did you have dinner? Did you kiss him? I hope you didn't give him more than first base. I have money on this with Nurse Ito and I am totally sleeping over so I get all the details," he whispers conspiratorially.
I backhand his stomach and gape at him. As if I would even tell him if I got further than a kiss. Already dreading his constant questioning I turn back and see Aone waving from his door and suddenly, I am happy that I have Suoh. At least today I won't be home alone. And even if my home was only me, Suoh will stay the night and I will know how it is to talk to someone about your first date when you return.
"Let's just go home," I say happily and Suoh bounces us to his car.
Haha, I told my wife how this was 11k words and she said to break it into two chapters. I said I wouldn't be able to do that. Imagine if I didn't give you all of this today. I would have died myself. God. I think it was pretty good. Hopefully.
As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys and thank you all so much for reading! ;)