Masami hadn't been out in a while.
Not that she was 'out' out. No, her desk mate and work friend, and nothing else, had just offered to take her to get some lunch. That was all. It was just nice to have someone else footing the bill for once. More money in her pocket, more money for Sho later. He was going to need new clothes. Spring was coming soon, winter was in it's last gasps, and with the coming of spring would come scrapped knees and new shoes…overalls and more of those character t-shirts Sho liked. A lot of green…if he still liked green. He had always liked green.
She had no idea what he liked these days.
It had been so long since she'd last seen Sho. Whether or not green was still his favorite color was the least of her worries. She didn't know if he was eating well, sleeping well, if he was still arguing with Shigeko, if he and Touichirou were any closer to getting along…she hadn't checked her email in so long. She couldn't. What was the point? Why did she have to sit there and read another report about Sho when all it would tell her was that she was no closer to having him back? That he was off in some foreign place, having fun, probably forgetting that he even had a mother. Mostly the emails were just Fukuda telling her how much he missed her.
She…thought of him sometimes.
She worried. She worried about him being discovered. She worried about him catching Touichirou's ire. She worried about Touichirou doing to him whatever it was that he did to traitors. She worried and worried and worried but her worries would only serve to make her sick. She had woken up sick to her stomach with worry nearly every day for weeks now. She was tired of being worried. She needed to look forward to the future, the one that had been promised to her. Fukuda had promised her that she would get her son back…and she had to believe him. Otherwise…otherwise she didn't even want to think about it.
She didn't want to think about anything at all.
"Tentacle of squid, side of fish, slice of cucumber!" laughed Hirai in what she assumed was supposed to be a witch's voice. She had forgotten, living with Touichirou for all of those years, that men could even smile let alone laugh. She had never once heard Touichirou laugh, not in all their years of marriage. How someone could have been so joyless she would never know…
How she could have wasted her time with someone so joyless…that was the real question of it all.
"Slice of cucumber? Is this a soup or a salad?" laughed Masami as Hirai looked down and realized that he was in the process of ruining their hotpot.
"It's both. Haven't you ever had a blanched cucumber?" asked Hirai
"No…and I don't really want to." Said Masami as she reached in with her chopsticks and pulled out the offending slice of cucumber before it could ruin the broth.
"Wait, here, let me." Said Hirai as he reached in with his chopsticks…and knocked the piece of cucumber out of hers. She frowned as she watched it float to the top of the broth like a little boat on the sea…Sho had liked that. Back when he'd been a baby. Back when he'd barely been able to sit up on his own in the bath…he used to love his little boats…and he used to love the song. Like a little boat on the sea….Masami blinked back tears. She was fine. Sho was fine. Sho was…he was taking his baths like he was supposed to, Fukuda had said that he'd make sure of it, and Sho…he had Shigeko to play with now…Sho was fine. Her son was fine and so was she.
"You're really determined here, huh?" asked Masami as he picked the piece out for her and put it down onto his plate. She braced herself so a torrent of defensiveness. Of him denying that he had made a mistake. Of him telling her that all of this was actually her fault because she was the one who had needed help, because she was the one who had wanted to go to hotpot in the first place. She even expected him to rewrite history and expect her to believe that he was incapable of making mistakes and that this had been his intention the entire time.
Hirai didn't do any of those things.
"I'm as clumsy as I am determined…or as determined as I am clumsy." Said Hirai with a shrug and a smile.
"You know if you want cucumber in the hotpot then you can add it. I really don't mind." Said Masami. She did mind, she minded a lot, but sometimes…sometimes you had to make certain choices….but this was not it. She didn't understand herself sometimes. This was not Touichirou, he wasn't going to storm off because she had poked a hole in the whole 'I am perfect' narrative he had in his mind. That was how he saw himself, perfect. Like this perfectly logical being completely above the rest of them. That was what he had always said when they disagreed, that he had been the logical one, like he was some kind of living computer.
Well she had no interest in dating a computer…in being married to a computer.
"No, I didn't really want it in. That was an accident. I don't really cook that often…my ex took care of that." Said Hirai
"Oh." Said Masami. He had been married before…it had come up. This wasn't news to her…and she shouldn't have cared anyway. This wasn't anything other than two people sitting at a table putting bits of food into boiling broth and calling it lunch. They were just two people in their thirties having lunch together….also she was currently married so she didn't really have a leg to stand on here.
"I mean I'm working on it. I've mastered the art of cup noodle and I'm working my way up to buttering my own toast…that was a joke, by the way. I know how to butter toast. I'm not completely inept." Said Hirai
"I never thought that you were, I mean at making toast. The copy machine…well that's another story." Said Masami with a laugh. She held her tongue. Touichirou hadn't even been able to butter a piece of bread. She knew, she was the one who had buttered his bread for seven years. Their first morning together as a married couple, high off the afterglow of their wedding, and big with his child she walked into the kitchen to see him sitting there waiting for his breakfast. He'd had cold bread in front of him, and butter. He'd managed to find the ingredients but not to put the bread in the toaster or to butter it….
He wasn't her problem anymore.
He could find someone else to butter his bread, gold his clothes, but ketchup on his eggs, and tie his shoes She didn't care anymore. She had spent so many years of her life carrying about a man who didn't give a damn about anyone other than himself. Not his wife, not his son, not the daughter he'd just had to have. The only person who Touichirou cared about was Touichirou.
That was fine, he could be selfish on his own.
"Hey, hey, hey. To be fair that copy machine is possessed." Said Hirai. Masami made herself smile. She felt it, the dark look passing over her face as she thought of Touichirou. She didn't know what made him pop into her thoughts as often as he did. She was free of him, her only thoughts towards him should have been worries that he was going to discover her. Worries that she would turn the corner one day and some men would put a sack over her head, drag her into a van, and then carry her off to God only knew where to do God only knew what. Whatever it was the Touichirou did to people who left him…who betrayed him….
Touichirou was overseas. She was here. She was fine.
"Then maybe you should exorcise it." said Masami, forcing the smile to stay on her face. It had tried to run away, as smiles so often did. Well she couldn't let it. The last thing she needed to do was break down right here at the table. She had earned this. This was…this was something that she wanted. She should have been happy instead of just sitting there sick to her stomach with worry over a man who probably didn't even care about her…if he ever had.
"Just let me get my incense and I'll have at it." said Hirai. His smile wasn't forced at all. What it must have been like to move through the world as he did. What it must have been like to have your biggest worry be 'am I in line for that promotion' or 'am I going to jam the copy machine again' or even 'will I see my practically grown and mostly estranged children for the holidays'. He would never know what it was like to have real worries, to sit there clutching his stomach as he was sick with worry…
He was lucky like that. Most people were lucky like that. Everyone was lucky like that.
"There's enough incense in here already. All you have to do it walk right in…." said Masami. Her stomach really was turning now. It stank in here, that was part of it. A stress migraine? She hadn't had those since she'd been a kid. There had been times when the world had been too much, too loud, too bright, to smelly, too…too everything and all she'd been able to do was lay down in bed with a bucket next to her. This wasn't…this didn't feel like a migraine, though…her head wasn't pounding and she wasn't getting that aura effect….
Whatever this was, it was bad.
"Walk right in, spin around, and-hey, are you alright?" asked Hirai. He reached across the table and put his hand over hers. Her eyes traveled upwards and met his. He pulled his hand back and just sort of let it hover right there over hers.
"Yes…yes, I'm fine." Said Masami. She watched his hand. She didn't know what was worse. The pounding and churning in her stomach or the fluttering of her….it was just her stomach, that was all. She was just…not feeling her best…she needed….she needed to get up….
"Are you sure? You're looking a little green around the gills." Said Hirai. His hand was still hovering up there over hers. She nodded. She felt green. She needed…she needed to get up.
"I-I'm fine…excuse me." Said Masami as she stood up. Her hand bumped his as she forced her way up from the table. She didn't have a choice. She needed…her eyes scanned the room. Bathroom…she needed the bathroom. Her eyes found the restroom sign and she didn't wait, she darted right across the restaurant. Her shoes squeaked as she walked, she new that she was drawing attention, but she didn't care.
She barely made it.
Vomiting in the middle of the restaurant would have been even more embarrassing than running through the crowd with squeaky shoes. Though she wasn't sure if she couldn't have been heard, still, as she retched up what little she had eaten today. These miserable stress stomach aches, the nausea, the heavy feeling in her heart that weighed her down. The feeling that had been following her since she had left Sendai, since she had left her children, since Fukuda had spirited her off. It had been getting worse and worse as the months went by…and she hadn't really been taking care of herself either.
All that convenience store food probably hadn't been helping things.
She retched up the last of her lunch. Maybe it was because she had gotten so used to a diet of greasy convenience store food and blocks of cheap ramen. Maybe she just wasn't used to this combination of stress and real food…though her stomach had been upset for some time now. She didn't have time to see a doctor, not when she had to get things ready for Sho. It had been weeks, months, but things still weren't ready. She was supposed to have been setting up shop for him but all she had done so far was make a friend, spend money as fast as she made it, and get fatter. A lot fatter. Fat enough that….that her skirts and pants weren't buttoning….
She was just getting fat.
A diet of garbage would do that to you. A diet of…she just needed to fix her diet. Yes, that was it, especially since she was already throwing up from….from having real food…and from stress. That was…that was it. Also the smell of incense and cooking and broth and…and she wasn't craving turnips or pancake mix. When she had been carrying Sho she had been craving the strangest things. Raw turnips, pancake mix, sweet butter, even dirt….she didn't know why she was even thinking thoughts like this. She couldn't have been pregnant. She'd just had her…
She couldn't remember her last period.
It must have been…she hadn't bought anything since leaving the old house….but that was just from stress, too, and she'd never been regular. Not when she'd been younger and not now, either. Sometimes it skipped a month…or two….or three….maybe she just…she must have been sick. There was no way that she…there was no way that she could have possibly been….
She pressed her hand to her stomach.
She pressed one hand to her stomach. The other flushed the toilet…the sound was too loud. Everything was too loud, even the beating of her heart. She was…she hadn't been with Touichirou since…not for weeks. Not for weeks before she left. She hadn't touched him and….and Fukuda…well that was different. They hadn't always been careful but she had…well she hadn't always been good about taking those pills and….and she had forgotten them in her nightstand before she left but Fukuda…he said that he'd timed it! She had trusted him to time it and…and if his timing had been off then he should have said something. His timing had…he had a lot of explaining to do! How could he have done this to her? How could he have been so irresponsible?!
She had to go.
She picked herself up from the bathroom floor and left. She just…she had to go. She had to go to a pharmacy or a doctor or…or maybe just to a very steep set of stairs. She did some mental math…it had been more than three months. There was no way…she was fine. She was perfectly…this was all in her head. She would go to a pharmacy and take a test and then it would come up negative and she could just have a big laugh at her own paranoid stupidity. She might even finally email Fukuda back and tell him how ridiculous she had been…
Her? Pregnant again? The thought was absurd.
As absurd as the sight a man even older than she was playing some driving game on his phone. He moved the entire thing like a steering wheel, she had seen the kids playing games like that. It was almost enough to bring smile to her face, almost. Right now she didn't have time to smile or even stop. She needed to get her coat and she needed to go….get to the bottom of this. Clear this up. Maybe even make a doctor's appointment. This was stress….stress induced hypochondria. She just needed a sedative or something….
She just needed to get out of here.
"Masaoka-san, guess what. I told the manager you were throwing up and not only did they comp our meal but we get a free-hey, where are you going?" asked Hirai. He got up as she threw her coat on. She didn't know why he was getting up. They still had thirty minutes left for lunch…she only had thirty minutes…but even the cheapest tests were only five minutes. That left her twenty five minutes to figure out what she was going to do….ten to walk to the store and get in and out….fifteen then, fifteen minutes to figure out what she was going to do.
Not nearly enough time.
When she had found out that she had been pregnant with Sho the decision had taken a day. She had taken a day to go to the doctor, pee in the cup, get her results back, and then…well and then Touichirou had taken everything into his own hands. She had been tearing her hair out, sometimes literally, trying to figure out how to tell him….how to break the news to a guy she had known for two weeks that they were expecting and that she had no idea what to do….
He'd known exactly what to do.
There hadn't even been any thought. He had just asked her when she wanted to get married. Once the shock of her being pregnant wore off Touichirou immediately just assumed that they would be getting married. She just…it had been romantic, at the time, that he had loved her so much…that he hadn't wanted to run away. It had been….she didn't want to think about this now. She didn't know what she was supposed to do or…she knew what to do but…but….
She had to go.
"I'm sorry, I'm suddenly not feeling well. I have to go and…and take a personal day. Please tell them I won't be in for the rest of the day." Said Masami as she threw her coat on. She was fine. She was probably just so stressed out that she was gaining weight and vomiting and….and her period had never been anything close to regular….she had to get this sorted out. Right now. There wasn't any time to wait. She had fifteen minutes at most to figure out…to figure out what she was supposed to do and….well now she had the rest of the day….
She didn't have enough time.
"Wait, do you need-" said Hirai. He reached out and took her hand. She pulled it back as soon as he made contact. She needed….she didn't need this. Not right now. The last thing she needed was a friend…was another man in her life. Was another man to get involved in this…this was…she needed to go. Now.
"I'm fine, thank you." Said Masami quickly. She turned and walked away, her shoes squeaking on the floor with each step. The winter air bit her as she opened the door. She didn't care. She didn't care that it was cold, that her coat was unbuttoned, that she had forgotten her scarf. The only thing she cared about right now was getting…was getting this sorted. Figuring out what was going on…ruling out the worst. The worst…she held her stomach tightly.
The worst…she would hope for the best but plan for the worst….that was all that she could do.