Chapter One: What are We Going to Do?
"We can only learn to love by loving." – Iris Murdoch
"'What did it say? The voicemail?'"
Otis turned and tossed in his bed; his normally vibrant blue eyes shrouded in the dark as it scrutinized his ceiling. One would imagine, with his mother being a sex and relationship therapist, that he would have some sort of insight into why his brain is deciding to relive that moment. His eyes turned their attention to the alarm clock. 1:00. Too early to be up; too late to try to salvage a good night's sleep.
"'Doesn't matter. It was ages ago.'"
It was a cold night in France three days ago, Otis remembered. He thought back to how he could just barely see his breath exiting like whisps of smoke as he spoke. With a sigh, Otis returned to staring at the ceiling, and noticed a faint hair like marking. 'A crack?' He felt too tired to get up and get a closer look; he'll have to do that tomorrow. His mind went faraway, back to that cold night when he finally confessed his feelings to the girl he has loved since… Otis paused in thought. He did love Maeve, he knew that. But he couldn't pinpoint the exact moment that he fell in love with her. It just happened.
"'It matters to me.'"
His mind turned back to that moment again and he shifted his body onto his left side, trying to get comfortable. Sleep might be a lost cause, but he could at least try to make it easier on his body.
"' It went something like…'"
Otis remembered all he had confessed. Ending with the words that he had been meaning to say to Maeve forever, and still unable to say to her face. Otis broke into a slight smile. It's ironic, the advice he gave to Adam to express his true feelings applied to himself. 'Maybe I would make a good sex and relationship therapist,' Otis thought absentmindedly.
"'Did you mean it?"
Of course he meant it. He said as much, and they kissed.
Otis brought his hand up and brushed his lips lightly, reliving that moment. He could scarcely believe it. He, Otis Milburn finally kissed Maeve Wiley on a cold night in France after getting left behind by his classmates. As their lips touched, hesitantly at first, but with gaining resolve, his hands found his way into her soft hair. In response, Maeve's hands snaked around him, and he could feel her warm breath hitch as she deepened their kiss. However, as the kiss went deeper and he had felt Maeve sink deeper into himself, his mind shattered the moment like glass from a great height.
The kiss was romantic, it was amazing. It had felt like everything Otis had thought about, yearned for and more. It also felt tragic, and it felt wrong.
At first, Otis didn't want to believe it. This was the moment he had been hoping for, the moment that he had been striving for. He felt like a man who had finally won the lottery only to discover that he was unhappy with how huge the cheque felt in his hands. Wasn't that moment what he wanted? Wasn't the possibility of that kiss the very reason Otis agreed to spend his free time therapizing sex-crazed and inexperienced peers? So why did being with Maeve on that night in France feel like a massive mistake? Otis knew that part of the reason his brain won't let him sleep is because he needs to properly process the conflict that he had felt. His rational side understood it, but he felt a sense of frustration building within him about even having to process it in the first place. It should be what he wanted: Maeve and him, finally allowing him to be honest, and finally being together without any obstacles.
'It's not even like Maeve and I are 'together 'together,' Otis reminded himself, 'We just kissed."
That's right, they just kissed. When Otis approached Maeve to try to see where her head was at concerning that kiss, she'd said she needed time to think about it and that was the last time he had heard from her. Otis didn't know if it was the radio silence from Maeve that has kept him awake. Truth be told, it wasn't all too uncommon for the two not to speak. They spent the whole summer avoiding each other due to a failure to communicate. A failure that, Otis discovered, was the result of Isaac's meddling.
Otis's left hand tightened into a slight fist and his mouth let out a heavy sigh at that thought. Isaac. That's right, there were obstacles that had very nearly kept that night from happening. Otis was fairly certain, although Maeve never confirmed it, that Isaac might be the reason that she needed to think things over. It seemed that whenever he felt he moved one step forward with Maeve, he would end up finding himself three steps backward. Usually, if there was a problem between him and Maeve, it ended up being Otis's fault, but not this time. 'Isaac deleted my message.' Otis repeated in his head. No longer finding himself to be comfortable, Otis violently threw himself on his back again. He knew it wouldn't help him; his brain was the problem. Eventually, he sat up and glanced briefly at his record collection. What song perfectly encapsulated what he was feeling? 'No, it's too late to wake everyone up.' His hand reached for his phone; he needed a distraction from his thoughts for a second. Blue eyes winced in slight pain as the touchscreen leaped to life at the coaxing of his fingers. He wasn't looking for anything specifically, just a distraction to keep his mind away from the troublesome thoughts till it finally allowed him to sleep.
While scrolling through social media, Otis's phone vibrated faintly in his hands and a notification of a message from his best friend Eric grabbed Otis's attention.
ERIC: Nigeria is G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S! Make sure to send me some photos of the trip to France!
Otis's face broke into a small smile. Eric was currently in Nigeria, no doubt living it up at his cousin's wedding. Switching to his photos, Otis scrolled through, debating which ones Eric would love when his eyes landed squarely on the beautiful face of Ruby Matthews and his fingers stopped. Adam had taken a few pictures of Ruby and Otis together on their double date. In the one that Otis was looking at, Ruby was smiling at Otis, her hair tied stylishly back with a bow in that dress that he remembered thinking was so beautiful. As usual, he looked so out of place next to her, like a deer next to a panther. Ruby's eyes were completely focused on him, and Otis never realized just how happy she looked in the image. Usually, whenever Ruby smiled at school or out in public, it never reached her eyes. Even without zooming in, Otis could see the warmth and affection behind her dark brown eyes. Admittedly, they did have an amazing time together at the bowling alley. The initial awkwardness shaped itself into quite an intimate evening.
"'I love you.'"
Ruby's voice, like a bullet from a gun, rang out in Otis's head. It silenced all hope of an easy escape. It seemed there was a lot to process. Words, his mother often reminded him, have a powerful effect on people. While sticks and stones can break bones, words can devastate people's futures and their ability to form meaningful and positive relationships. Ruby's words have, in a similar manner, affected Otis in ways that he couldn't quite understand. With his phone forgotten in his palm, Otis thought back to that phone call. There was expectation in Ruby's voice when she confessed to him. An expectation that made Otis feel briefly like he was put on stage with the largest and brightest spotlight Moordale Secondary could afford.
It would have been easier if he had said "I love you too," but Otis knew he wasn't ready. He wanted to gently tell her to be patient with him, that he was in the process of healing from a rejection that had never actually been said. However, his mouth went dry, and his mind suddenly forgot how to articulate his feelings into understandable words. He wasn't opposed to being with Ruby, in fact, he had really started to enjoy being with her. She was terrifying, demanding, and he felt that she could be a lot nicer to other people, but that double date really opened his eyes to what she could be if she let herself be open.
However, in a colossally stupid Otis fashion, the one moment Ruby really put herself out there and was vulnerable with Otis, he practically ensured that she would never be vulnerable with him again. To his credit, Otis did try to explain his feelings to Ruby before the trip to France. He sat down in her pink colored room and looked at her beautiful eyes now nearly welling up with tears. He told her everything he needed to say to her originally, but he could see her erecting her walls back up, reinforcing their structural weaknesses with every response.
"'I've never said that to anyone, Otis.'"
Girls really knew how to make him feel like shit. Fed up with the angst, Otis decided he needed some fresh air and a different perspective. He tossed his phone onto his bed and got up and silently exited his room.
Ola was happy as her eyes followed the wind ripple through the grass. She smelled the familiar earthen smell of her mother's favorite spot and was not at all shocked when she heard her mother's voice. She loved talking to her mother. Before the cancer slowly ate her life away, she would constantly take Ola out on walks and tell stories of the hidden fae that were abundant across this great country of theirs. Ola knew the stories were all bullshit even at an early age, but she loved hearing her mother talk about it. In those moments, Ola could let herself believe in magic.
"So, tell me about this Lilly, is she as amazing as your beauty demands?" Her mother asked with a light-hearted smile on her lips.
"MOM!" Ola exclaimed, lightly hitting her mom on the arms. Her mother's rich laugh filled Ola's ears and she couldn't help but smile. Ola frowned, however at the thought of Lilly, "well, recently things haven't been that great."
"Tell me," Ola's mom shifted to stare at her daughter, eyes full of love, "ọmọ mi, what's wrong? Did you get into a fight?"
Ola's hand found her mother's and squeezed lovingly. Before replying, she listened to the wind softly blowing. The perfect blue sky captivated her. Moments with her mom were her escape, a time where she could forget about her problems for a second and just enjoy. However, her anxiety has started to bleed in, and she knew that she wouldn't get much more time to get advice from her mother. Her eyes were drawn to the thick clouds that slowly made their odyssey through the sky.
"Sometimes it's hard to talk to her, mom. It's like her head is so far out in space that she's failing to notice what's right in front of her."
"Well, that can be fairly typical with individuals like Lily," replied a clinical voice that was definitely not her mother's. Ola whipped her head around to find that her mother had vanished, and in her place, holding her hand, was Jean Milburn. "It's important that your partner provides for your immediate needs, perhaps we could sit down together and talk to her, as a family."
Before Ola could react, her eyes fluttered open as a familiar voice cut into the night, "Ola, wake up."
"Otis?" She said groggily, before awareness set in. Otis was bent over her, close enough for her to see his eyes clearly in the night. Then she realized that she was sleeping without any clothes on. "What the fuck?!" she hissed as she looked at him, pulling up the blanket to her chin.
"Oh," Otis realized before shielding his eyes and looking away, whispering, "Sorry."
"What do you want?" Ola hissed back, unsure of why her ex-boyfriend now weird sort of sibling is in her room. She looked at her clock in an illogical attempt to see if maybe she had overslept.
"I needed someone to talk to, and…" Otis paused, searching for the right words, "I figured you might be the only person who could help me."
"Otis, its nearly 1:30 in the morning."
"I know," Otis whispered, "I'm sorry. I wouldn't ask if I didn't think I really needed it."
Ola sat up in her bed and regarded him seriously. She couldn't remember the last time he was so serious, the last time he came to her with a problem. Ola liked Otis. She couldn't help but like him. Originally, she thought that the connection they had was a romantic one, but the cracks started to show. Eventually, a friendship stood where the relationship collapsed, and she found herself content with that. An idea broke away from her unconscious and her brain had a brief thought that maybe she might have to let him down gently, but Otis's words broke her out of it
"Ola, please." Otis pleaded quietly.
"Oh, alright then," she acquiesced, "What's the problem?"
"Not here. Is there anywhere you know that we can talk privately?"
She thought for a moment, and a slight smile spread across her face.
"Do you want to smash some shit?"
The light smell of sweat filled Ruby's nose as deafening club music shook the house around her. A sea of gyrating bodies surrounded her as far as the eye could see, but Ruby paid no attention. Her eyes were closed, and she was feeling the vibration of the music shake every atom of her body as she moved to the music. Ruby loved parties; they provided an excellent drunken escape from her problems. This was the third one she had been to in as many days. The first one took place at Olivia's, a bash thrown with the express intent of getting Ruby's mind off what just how close Otis was standing to Maeve in France. Ruby made the most at Olivia's, she danced the night away with a multitude of her peers before she had to leave when she got a call from her father. The second party was at Anwar's at Ruby's request. Ruby brought Adam; she knew that Adam wanted to branch out and be "more gay," so that when Eric got back from Nigeria, Adam would feel more comfortable with himself in all the new, strange, and wonderful places Eric might want to take his boyfriend. It was a fun time, and she spent it consumed by her goal of helping Adam. Now, Ruby was dancing in a stranger's house, with strangers all around her. The party started off very disappointing, but as people funneled in, and the alcohol started flowing more readily, she decided that being here wasn't a total waste of time.
Her feet lightly stumbled over themselves in her carefree movements. Four drinks in and Ruby felt like she was finally able to let go, to crawl out from underneath the weight that had been thrust upon her ever since France. If she was honest with herself, she felt a weight even before the student trip, but it became colossally heavy on a cool night in France as she saw the boy she loved stick a knife into her already hemorrhaging heart. She swayed and moved to the music as her body grew harder and harder to control, her normally meticulous and aesthetically pleasing movements slowly eroding away from the intoxication she found solace in.
The electric feeling of his long fingers tracing down her body, producing goosebumps.
Ruby twirled around; her fingers lightly hitting the bodies closest to her as she continued to dance, picking up the tempo.
Were his blue eyes always that blue, or was it only when he laughed with her?
She threw her hands in the air as another song began playing, swaying them to the music as she tried to sing along to the lyrics.
His guilty eyes caught in the headlights as his hands lovingly cupped Cock-biter's fac-
'Fuck him!' Ruby opened her eyes and stomped towards the alcohol. She was promised an escape, and she was damn well going to get one. Usually, Ruby would exercise more restraint than her peers would imagine, she would never know when she had to be called home to her dad, but tonight…. Tonight, she was going to fully let go. 'But only for tonight,' She reassured herself. Pouring herself a drink into a red solo-cup, Ruby scanned the room for the familiar faces of Olivia and Anwar. Ever since Ruby's break up with Otis, the already inseparable trio became even more so. Ruby insisted that she was fine, but ever since Otis, it was like those that were the closest to her were able to see through the façade that she had meticulously crafted like a knock-off veil. With slight annoyance, Ruby found that Anwar and Olivia were nowhere to be seen. With another healthy gulp of her drink, Ruby decided she was going to make a stupid decision.
Chocolate brown eyes lingered on boys' faces as Ruby decided who her next victim would be. A couple of the guys noticed her gaze and returned a confident smile. As the seconds ticked by, Ruby's sultry smile turned into a frown. The pickings were very slim here, and if Ruby was honest with herself, her heart wasn't in it. A slightly disheveled wallflower caught her gaze, and she immediately looked away. She had sworn herself off nerdy boys. She learned her lesson. Disappointed, Ruby finished her drink and returned to dancing as another song started playing. Perhaps it was for the best that she didn't entangle herself with anybody right now, even if it was just a one-time casual fuck.
Ruby felt a tightening sensation behind her eyes, and a small electric tingle spread out throughout her whole body due to her recent indiscretions. Her eyes, heavier and heavier, closed as she once again lost all sense of where she was as she dipped to the song.
Confident arms wrapped around Ruby, startling her, as she felt a body press against her backside. Her head whipped around immediately. He was tall, with pitch-black hair that he kept messy but in a sexy way, cunning blue eyes and a dazzlingly white, but cruel smile. Immediately, her thoughts went to Otis. Despite some of the obvious similarities, Otis and this stranger could not feel any more different. The trademark diffidence found in Otis was replaced with a deep well of confidence. Instead of the uncertainty and vulnerability she often found behind the blue, a ravenous hunger lived. A toned body accompanied his slightly cruel face and Ruby absently thought that he wasn't a student at Moordale Secondary.
"Hey babe," Ruby didn't know how he could utter those words without dropping his smile, "thought you needed some company."
Ruby Matthews, the girl whose father is slowly losing himself in bed, the girl whose heart was shattered into microscopic pieces, wanted to recoil from the stranger's aggressive and frankly presumptuous touch, to tell him to fuck off and to storm off, hair twirling behind her, leaving his self-confidence shattered and his ego with no doubt that he would never have her.
But that Ruby Matthews wasn't the one dancing at the party.
"You thought right," Ruby put on a smile, plunging deeper into her façade as she deepened his touch with her body.
It was easier, Ruby thought, to keep the thoughts at bay when one is dancing with someone as opposed to being alone. This stranger was a distraction; his hands confidently and eagerly explored all her curves. She could feel his alcohol infused breath sneak past her ear as he whispered all the things she wanted to hear from someone else.
"Holy fuck, you're beautiful." He growled low with hunger
She wasn't going to fuck him. He was much too confident, too disingenuous, for the hot and sticky dalliances that this stranger so obviously craved. But it felt nice to be wanted, to be desired. 'But not loved.' It all came crashing down in an alcohol-tinged avalanche, and another set of earnest blue eyes seared themselves deep into her brain. He wouldn't have wanted her to do this, to cope like this, to escape like this. She stopped moving, and the stranger's hands stopped their exploration of her body in uncertainty. But Otis wasn't here and, more importantly, did not love her. Why should Ruby give a fuck about what he wants?
Ruby flashed her smile at him over her shoulder, giving him the encouragement to keep his hands on her as they danced the night away.
"The name's Tony," Ruby's "dance partner" whispered in her ear as his hands ran all over her body again. If she heard what he said, she didn't acknowledge it. Ruby closed her brown eyes to the world and tried to keep all thoughts of Otis's long fingers, blue eyes, and betrayal away from her mind. She stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, dancing the heartbreak away in a house full of strangers.
"So, who do I have to thank for breaking your heart?"
Ruby's eyes flared open; she stumbled, catching herself, before putting her mask back on.
"What makes you think someone broke my heart?" She challenged louder, trying to be heard over the music, a small kink in her usual confidence.
"A girl doesn't dance the way you're dancing without a broken heart." Tony pulled Ruby closer to him.
His mouth was attacking her neck before she even realized what was happening. Her body stiffened, muscles tightening in shock as hot lips left their wet imprints on her neck. Instinctually, her arms flashed up to put space between her and Tony. However, just before she pushed away and ran through the crowd looking for Olivia or Anwar, she gave in for the last time. Ruby gave away all her inhibitions, she found herself giving up a lot of what she had earned in the last couple weeks since that phone call, just when she was beginning to start to like the person she was underneath all the trendy clothes, meticulous make-up, and emotional baggage.
She moaned softly, lifting her head up in abandon and wrapped her arms around his pale neck intertwining her soft fingers behind his nape.
"Oh, Otis," She breathed in ecstasy as she pulled him closer to her. He didn't hear, must have not heard as Tony accepted her direction. Ruby's words rippled through her like a pebble that disturbed the water.
'Fuck.'
"You alright, New Kid?" A familiar voice greeted through the cool night air. The full moon helped outline the silhouette of Adam Groff as Otis, with Ola, approached a run-down spot in an abandoned trainyard. As Otis got closer, he saw that Adam was wearing goggles and had a sledgehammer in his hands. In front of Adam, there appeared to be a broken-down car with its headlights busted out.
"Adam?" Otis said, confused, "What are you doing here?"
"He showed me this spot," Ola answered, walking up to Eric's boyfriend, "How are you, dude?"
Instead of replying, Adam turned and dented the car with a powerful swing. Otis felt something small speed past his head, and he hoped that Adam didn't have the only pair of goggles.
"That bad, huh?" Ola grimaced as she handed goggles to a relieved Otis and put some on herself, "trouble in paradise?"
WHAM! Another strong swing. The noise echoed like a pinball all around them as it bounced off the rusted metal of the long-forgotten trains. Otis winced at the impact and exchanged worried looks with Ola. All thoughts of Maeve and Ruby left the raven-haired boy's mind. Adam's silence was a clear indicator that something was indeed wrong, and while part of Otis wanted to just walk back home and give Adam the space that he felt Adam wanted to sort it out on his own, Otis knew that he was not going to be able to walk away so easily. Ever since that double date, it was like the veil had been lifted, and Otis was able to see the Adam that Eric saw deep down. While they were never close, Adam had come to Otis for help on numerous occasions, and Otis felt that meant that he was at least somewhat helpful.
"Uh, Adam," Otis began hesitantly, readying himself for another loud swing, "You know that you can always talk to me about anything," He added hastily, "but only if you need or want to, of course."
"Don't want to talk about it, New Kid," Adam breathed as he lifted the sledgehammer again. After measuring for another swing, Adam sighed and put the hammer down before turning to address Otis again, "What brings you here? You want to smash some shit?"
Adam extended the handle of the heavy sledgehammer to Otis, his goggled eyes sizing Otis up. Ola, who sat down on a piece of exposed train track, looked at Otis, his tall frame looked smaller than usual when next to Adam. For a moment, Otis considered. It would be an excellent cathartic release, and it's not like he could get in any real trouble smashing up an already derelict looking car, but the cowardly part of his brain whispered meekly at him.
"No, thanks. I was actually seeing if I could talk to Ola," Adam nodded at those words and gently put the sledgehammer down and began to walk away.
"Uh, Adam?" Otis said, "Where are you going?"
"You said you wanted to talk to Ola, so…"
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to leave," Otis replied, "You're a friend too, I want you to stay."
Adam didn't immediately turn around, but after a second or two, he sat down next to Ola and looked at Otis. Both waited for him to say something as all manner of insects swarmed around them. Instead of answering, Otis opted to lift his head and look at the sky for a moment. He wanted to marshal his thoughts, one last attempt to piece the puzzle enough for another person to get some sort of an idea of what the whole looked like, but his mind found himself struggling, captivated by the flight of the insects as they ducked and weaved all around him.
"So, Maeve and I kissed in France."
Ola's mouth hung open as Adam furrowed his brows at Otis's words. Both recalled how Maeve and Otis got left behind on their way back from France, and Ola distinctly remembered the two of them being awfully close when she got a view of them as the coach pulled back in to pick them up. Since then, Ola had felt that something had changed in the air between the two but didn't pry any further as it was none of her business anymore. Silence filled the air between them, and Otis opened his mouth to elaborate further when Adam broke his train of thought.
"What about Ruby? I thought you liked her?"
Otis looked at Adam with a bit of shock before answering, "I did…" 'I do,' "…but we broke up a bit ago."
"Yeah, I know that bit," Adam defended, "But I thought, I don't know, that maybe you'd patch things up with her or something."
"I don't know, she's really mad at me. I hurt her badly. Why do you ask?" Otis asked, his voice containing the faintest sliver of hope that he wasn't aware was there.
"No reason," Adam bluntly replied, his eyes scarcely giving away any secrets.
Truth be told, Adam and Ruby had been texting often since the double date. At first it was about the Kardashians, then slowly it evolved into their personal lives. Whenever Adam was confused, or nervous about how to navigate his first gay relationship with Eric, Ruby always solicited some advice from Anwar on his behalf with Anwar none the wiser. When Otis didn't say "I love you," back, Adam was one of the first to know, and the two of them spent hours talking about it and Otis. Adam, to make Ruby feel better, was adamant that Otis would come around. Otis would be stupid not too, Adam thought. When Otis and Ruby broke up, Adam was there for Ruby, and told her that perhaps time would heal. Thinking back on it, Adam remembered Ruby looking really upset on the ride back to England. He didn't quite understand, but now he had a feeling that Ruby had made a connection that he missed.
"Annnnyyywayyy," Ola cut in, "This is good, right? You and Maeve, I mean. You guys can actually date."
Otis frowned and sat down on the ground in front of the pair.
"Okay, so not good then. What's wrong?"
"Well, that's exactly it," Otis's shoulders slumped, "I know I should be happy about it, but I'm not. The kiss was amazing, but it left me feeling like I had fucked things up. Not to mention that Maeve hasn't talked to me since, but that's another problem."
The trio sat for a moment, not a word exchanged between the three of them. Ola stared hard at Otis. This was not the situation she had imagined when he had woken her up. She had an idea that eventually Maeve and Otis would get together but didn't expect this kind of result. Otis looked crestfallen, disappointed, and scared. It pained her to see him this way, and especially after she had finally settled into some sort of good dynamic with him. She found her mouth speaking before she realized it.
"What exactly is it about Maeve?"
Otis looked at Ola, confusion in his eyes, "What do you mean?"
Taking a deep breath, Ola plunged in, "Perhaps I'm not the right person to say this, but from all I've seen, she just kinda fucks your life up." Ola then added, "Don't get me wrong, I don't think she does it intentionally, but you have to admit that things were simpler when she wasn't talking to you. So, what makes her worth it?"
"She was the first person to really see me." Otis lowered his head a little, "When we began the sex clinic, she really got me out of my shell. I wouldn't be the person I am now without her."
Ola nodded, "Do you feel like you would be nothing without her?"
Otis shook his head, "No, not really. She just brought it out."
Adam responded, "You can't give her all the credit, New Kid." Otis looked up at him, and Adam shrugged, "When you gave me the advice for the first time, that was all you. I think that you'd find a way help people."
There was a small silence as Otis pondered those statements. Sometimes, Adam can be very astute. Otis shivered and hugged his jacket closer to him as the night turned colder.
"It's just…" Otis steeled himself and forced out the thought that came from his brain, "The relationship must be going to be, I don't know, fated I guess if there are going to be so many obstacles getting in-between us. Does that make any sense?"
"Of course," Ola laughed, "The harder the chase, the better the reward. But, Otis, relationships don't always work out that way. People aren't meant to be simply because it was difficult for them to be together. That takes hard work."
"When did you become my mum?"
Ola stuck out her tongue at Otis before remembering the dream she had just before Otis woke her up, "My point still stands, you arse."
"I think," Adam interjected simply, "Maeve's not making it easy for you and Ruby-," Adam stopped himself, and took a breath. This wasn't the time to defend his friend against his other friend. "I think… Maeve needs to make a decision about you and you need to get answer from her."
"I-I'll think about it." Otis replied after a while, a sinking feeling taking over his stomach.
"So, why aren't you happy about the kiss, Otis?" Ola pressed before chuckling, "Don't tell me she told you that you were a bad kisser!"
Ola made obnoxious kissing noises, laughing at Otis who protested vehemently.
"It just… didn't feel right."
Ola thought she understood. In that moment, she thought back to his words to her. "'I figured you might be the only person who could help me.'" Her eyes regarded him, and in that moment, Ola thought that Otis was being more honest that he had thought.
"Did it feel like you were forcing something, like when you said, 'I love you,' to me?"
Otis's mind was a million miles away. He was still considering Adam's advice to him, and the anxiety of receiving an actual rejection was slowly taking over.
"Otis," Ola snapped her fingers at him, bringing him back, "Did to feel like you were forcing it?"
The dark-haired boy shook his head, "No, the kiss felt like the natural conclusion. It was romantic, but it just felt like I didn't want it."
"Have you considered the possibility," Ola began gently, "that maybe you two had genuinely began to grow apart during the summer? I mean, it happens. Somethings just can't be reversed, even if they weren't meant to be broken in the first place."
Of course Otis had considered it. He feared that her feelings for him had dissipated when he drunkenly insulted her at his party. He wouldn't blame Maeve if it did. His mind went back to that party, the drunken haze that it was to him where the only real moments of significance was when he insulted the girl he loved and the girl he badly messed up with. 'And Ruby.' A part of him reminded him. That was the first night of their fling. Otis shook his head slightly. This wasn't about Ruby right now.
Ola waited for a response, but seeing that none was forthcoming, she replied, "Think about it."
"I will." Otis flashed a sheepish smile, "Thank you, both of you."
The three of them hung out for a bit, looking at the stars that poked through the darkness of the night. Otis felt a tiny bit better about his feelings, or at least was comforted in the fact that he was able to tell someone. Otis's blue eyes found their way to Adam.
"I know its not any of my business," Otis began, "But for what it's worth, I'd love to hear about what's been on your mind, Adam. You never know, I could help."
Adam stared back at him; his normally unreadable face even harder to read in the moonlight. His strong hands rested on his knees, and he considered for a moment. Truth be told, there was a lot wrong with him. He was slowly adjusting to being in his first gay relationship, he still felt uncomfortable being honest with his mother, but Adam's brain settled on his biggest issue.
"It's my dad," Adam shifted uncomfortably.
"What about your dad, Adam?" Ola touched his shoulder, "Did he say something to you?"
"No, uh… that's kind of the problem."
Otis's brow furrowed in the dark, and he recalled that Michael Groff was currently estranged from his wife, and no longer living in the house. Otis had a feeling that Adam was a victim of his dad, but in a much different way than Otis was to his father. After witnessing Michael's outburst last term concerning what has been lovingly (and unlovingly) dubbed the sex musical, Otis realized it must have been a literal hell to have to deal with that type of anger, or even be related to it.
"He's been trying to come back; I saw him outside my window. I'm pretty sure he saw me looking." Adam continued.
Adam always found it difficult to talk, especially about his father. His normally sure and strong hands began to perspire and shake on his knees, and he internally chastised himself for being so weak. His eyes traveled down, and he remained focused on his shoes as he figured what he should say next. He wished he had never said anything, but he was trying to be more open, trying to be more vulnerable to the ones unlucky enough, at least in his opinion, to be his friends. His brain seized up a set of rusted gears, and the urge to just shut the fuck up began to overpower him.
"I'm sorry, I'm shit at talking," Adam admitted, "forget about it."
"No!" Both Ola and Otis in unison. They both exchanged a look with each other, wondering who should talk first.
"Does it bother you, him coming back?" Otis approached cautiously.
"No. I kind of want him back, but… I want to be sure that he's changed." Adam confessed, "I shouldn't want anything to do with him, but… I do."
"That feeling is completely natural," Otis began with the voice normally reserved for his sex clinic sessions, "to want to have your paternal figure in your life. They can be very essent- "
"I'm not ready to be therapized about it, New Kid," Adam replied quickly.
"Right," a pause, "sorry."
Otis retreated from the conversation. Adam was, underneath all the scar tissue, a sensitive soul. He didn't want to scare him away just as he was beginning to open to him. Blue eyes flashed towards Ola, and she understood his nonverbal message.
"Whether he changes or not, try not to let it affect you too much." Ola said, rubbing Adam's shoulder in comfort, "It's difficult, I know, not to be hurt when people let you down, but what's important is your journey. You've changed, even if he hasn't."
"You think so?" Adam said, his voice so soft that his friends hardly heard it.
"Yes, absolutely!" Ola smiled at him, "If you didn't, you wouldn't want him back into your life."
Adam smiled at these words, and he found that his mood had lightened a little. They sat like this for a while, making small talk, laughing at the antics of last term, and commiserating at the way their school life has drastically changed under the new Headmistress's "expert" direction. Whenever it seemed like there was nothing left to talk about, Otis or Ola would magic some weird, strange, and sometimes funny topic from seemingly thin air. Lost in his laughter, eventually Adam checked his phone and sat up, surprising his friends.
"As fun as this is," Adam began, "I think its time to go, we've got school tomorrow."
Adam nodded to both and began to walk away. Before he could make it too far, he stopped.
"Oh, and Otis," the blue-eyed boy's ears stood to attention, "I think you should talk to Ruby."
As Adam walked away, Ola and Otis looked at each other.
"Man, what is it with those two?" Ola said to Otis incredulously.
"Keeping up with the Kardashians must foster a strong bond," Otis shrugged, a humorous smile on his lips, "Come on, lets head back before my mom gives us a sibling therapy session."
Ola lightly punched Otis in the arm but agreed.
The chirping of crickets had always caused Maeve to have difficulty sleeping. While some found them soothing, she found their consistent chirping, like the passing of time, mildly infuriating. Her tired hands reached her tired face as she rubbed the tiredness away. There was no point in trying to fall asleep. Maeve also found it difficult to sleep in a room that wasn't hers, she found safety in the familiar. However, there was nothing too familiar about the room she was in now. The room was small and full of painted portraits of people and objects, all of which show a progression, from simple rudimentary still-life that showed a strong mechanical understanding to ones that captured the life in every moment displayed on the canvas. Progression was exactly what Maeve lacked. Outside of the window to Maeve's immediate left, she could hear the faint sounds of dogs barking.
Maeve Wiley felt like a fucking moron. She had kissed Otis Milburn. The thought of that kiss sent butterflies to her stomach. She had asked for time to think about, to process, what was going on between her and Otis, and she spent most of her time thinking in Isaac's bed. She spent the last three days thinking about that kiss, and just how right it felt. It was a long time coming for her. Finally, the stars had aligned, and his lips met hers. It was like the world faded away and they were the only ones capable of feeling touch. It was amazing. So, why exactly was she in Isaac's bed right now? Maeve looked over at the sleeping boy lying next to her, softly snoring without a care in the world, oblivious to her thoughts.
Maeve climbed out of the bed softly, making sure that she didn't wake Isaac, and padded to the kitchen to get a glass of water. She took a sip, and her eyes drifted towards the window. The full moon was high in the sky, enveloping the caravan park in its moonlight. Maeve paused to take it in. 'It's beautiful,' she thought, bringing the glass to her lips as she stepped towards the big window to get a better view.
'Otis and I could be together.'
A large part of her felt a pulse of thrill at the idea, and her mind flashed an image of piercing blue eyes staring at her. However, another large part felt confused and nervous. Her mind surged with the anxiety. What if it was too late? What if she spent too much time thinking about it, and Otis had already moved on? What if she scared him away? And what about Isaac? Over the summer, she had spent many tear-filled nights talking to Isaac. Their shared abandonment bonded them in a union that was hard to break. He comforted her, validated her, and even lent her some perspective. Maeve had grown to really appreciate Isaac's company and involvement in her life. However, he betrayed her. Despite his initial claims of merely looking out for her, Isaac selfishly went into her phone and deleted a message that very well could have changed her life. Maeve didn't forget, even if she managed to find herself able to return to him. To Maeve, Isaac was like the familiar smell of an old book lovingly worn with use and Otis was a best seller she knew she'd like but was afraid to buy and read.
It wasn't a matter of him not living to her expectations, but she dreaded that he would conclude that she simply wasn't what he was looking for in a partner. 'He did date Ruby,' she thought with a hint of venom. One could not find two more different women. Ruby had it all, and Maeve had only the things she knew how to fight for. She took another sip from the glass. Perhaps it was unfair to judge Otis for that relationship, and yet she couldn't help herself. Ruby bullied Maeve, and Otis let Ruby into his bed. That hurt Maeve more than she could possibly care to admit. Otis and Ruby split though, and when Otis told her that in France, she couldn't help but feel a tiny pinprick of excitement at what that could possibly mean for them. However, no matter how right the kiss felt, no matter how much she yearned for his lips to become acquainted with hers again, Maeve felt compelled to stay where she was. It was simpler here, with Isaac. She felt like she knew where this could go, and she felt like she could control how fast it got there. There was a strange comfort in that.
Her relationship with Otis was… a maelstrom of feelings. Chaotic, unpredictable, powerful, and dangerous to everyone who gets near it. Maeve prided herself on being able to handle herself emotionally, but ever since she met that lanky raven-haired boy with piercing blue eyes, she felt herself slowly slipping away until she was lost in a world that was no longer familiar to her. They went to the same school and ran a successful sex clinic together, but rarely hung out beyond that. She had always wanted to, but she found herself only capable of looking at him as he emerged from the corner that he put himself in. Every time she tried to reach out to him, her hand returned badly burned and in return, she unintentionally burned his too. And yet, they still revolved around each other, hopefully watching for any sign, any path towards each other and as they chased each other, they destroyed everyone in their path. Jackson, Ola and now Ruby. Their respective relationships thrust into the sea, ripped apart and submerged. Maeve finished her last sip and looked towards Isaac's room. Would Isaac be another casualty? Another romantic connection cruelly cast aside in the hope of something between her and Otis?
Perhaps it was too late. Perhaps that's for the best.
She'll have to talk to Otis at school tomorrow; it would be cruel to delay any longer.
"Maeve?" Isaac's tired voice called out, dragging Maeve back into the moment. "Where are you?"
"Just drinking some water and enjoying the view outside." Maeve took a healthy pull of the view of the caravan park in the night.
"Well, come back to bed so I can enjoy a view too."
'Dickhead,' Maeve thought, cheeks blushing as she turned to put the empty glass in the sink.
Otis successfully avoided a future earful from his mother as he quietly closed the door to his room and collapsed into the warm and familiar embrace of his bed. He was tired, much too tired than he thought one should be. His mind replayed the night again, and he smiled. With friends like Ola, Adam, and Eric, maybe his life wasn't quite as shit as he had made it out to be. He decided that he was going to follow Adam's advice and ask Maeve out tomorrow. His leg found something hard, and he realized that it was his phone. He had left it in his room when going out with Ola, and he had completely forgot to send Eric those photos that he had requested. He better send those pictures before he forgot again. As the phone screen lit up, his eyes were attacked with the various notifications that had laid neglected. One of them caught his eye.
One missed call: Rubes.
A/N Note: Hey, guys!
Wow, long time no see. Three failed relationships, undergrad and graduate programs later. Who would have guessed that I would return? But as you all know, the muse strikes when it strikes. I recently binged Sex Education, and I knew that I had to write something for it.
First things first, let me clear up a few things. I started as pure Maeve/Otis shipper, and I maintain that their relationship is probably Endgame, however Ruby/Otis absolutely blew me away with how refreshing it was, and I felt like the writers of the show wasted the pairing in order to quickly push Maeve and Otis together in prep for Season 4. I don't blame them, Maeve and Otis have serious chemistry and its honestly a shame with how much bullshit has kept them apart. However, I think that a good fanfiction needs to challenge its author as much as entertains the reader, and so I have decided to... massage the path going forward. I am leaning heavily toward Ruby/Otis (and so I will tag this as such), but don't count Maeve out in this story either. If there is anything we know from the show, is that Otis can never expect anything in his life to be easy.
Also, I apologize for how long this ended up being. I figured this first chapter would be around around 4,000 words, but it ended up being nearly double that before I felt like I could end it. Please let me know what you think, its been a while since I've even attempted writing any fiction (my future profession lends to a simpler, more blunt style). Be sure to review, favorite and follow. I intend to follow up as soon as I can!
It's good to be back for the time that I can.
-SK