In November the weather started turning cold, the grounds were covered in frost. It also marked the start of the Quidditch season, which had Harry a bit nervous. The day before the first match against Slytherin they were all sitting in the courtyard, warming themselves against a bright blue fire Hermione had conjured in a jam jar, Harry reading Quidditch Through the Ages, a library book Hermione had lent him.
Suddenly Snape approached, limping. They hid the fire before Snape could see it, but he was looking for a reason to be upset with them regardless.
"What's that you've got there, Potter?"
Harry showed him the book.
"Library books are not to be taken outside the school, give it to me." Snape demanded. "Five points from Gryffindor."
"That's not a rule!" Calvin declared. "I know, I read all the school rules!"
"That's another five points from Gryffindor for arguing!" Snape snapped before limping away with the book.
"You read all the school rules?" Hermione said, surprised.
"Of course, if I don't know what I'm not allowed to do, how will I know to be sneaky when I'm doing it anyway?" Calvin replied.
"Ah."
"That git." Harry grumbled "Wonder what's wrong with his leg?"
"Dunno, but I hope it's really hurting him," Said Ron. "Say Calvin, Hobbes said you once put a teacher in the madhouse, think you could do that to Snape?"
"I didn't do it on purpose!" Calvin said defensively. "Really it was Principal Spittle who pushed Miss Wormwood over the edge."
"How'd he do that?" asked Harry.
"He told her she was being moved to teaching second grade," Said Hobbes. "The thought of another year as Calvin's teacher was too much for her."
"But I hear she's all better now." Calvin added. "Anyway I think Snape's made of tougher stuff. I might be able to give him an ulcer or something."
That night while Hermione was double-checking their homework for them in the common room, Harry bravely decided to go ask Snape to give Quidditch Through the Ages back. Several minutes later he came back, without the book, and told them he'd seen Snape bandaging a wounded leg and cursing about something with three heads.
"You know what this means? He tried to get past that three-headed dog on Halloween!" He told them. "That's where he was going when we saw him – he's after whatever it's guarding! And I'd bet my broomstick he let that troll in, to make a diversion!"
"No – he wouldn't." Hermione said with wide eyes. "I know he's not very nice, but he wouldn't try and steal something Dumbledore was keeping safe."
"Honestly, Hermione, you think all teachers are saints or something, I'm with Harry." Declared Ron. "I wouldn't put anything past Snape."
"I don't know what to think." Calvin admitted. "Snape's bitter, mean and nasty, but does that necessarily mean he's actually a villain? It could merely indicate he suffered some formative trauma, such as dealing with own abusive authority figure, bullying from peers, or perhaps unrequited love. And now he's futilely trying to erase his own pain by passing the misery on to those smaller and weaker than himself. Really kind of sad when you think about it."
Hermione stared at him. "Did I hear you right?"
"Don't look so surprised," Said Hobbes. "Calvin can be quite insightful and profound at times."
"On the other hand," Calvin went on. "For all we know, Snape could just be a soulless abomination from some nightmare realm, who feeds on the tears of children, and wants whatever that dog's guarding to help take over the world and enslave us all!"
"Then other times he says stuff like that." Hobbes went on. "You just have to know when to actually listen, and when to just nod, and think about what you'll say if you ever have to testify at his commitment hearing."
"Err... anyway," Said Ron. "What's Snape after? What's that dog guarding?"
Of course no one had an answer to that, but pondering the question seemed to do something to Calvin. "The case was a real puzzle. A mysterious package guarded by a mutant mutt, a gargantuan goon celebrating Halloween by tearing apart a latrine, and a greasy-haired heel with a mangled leg. When I tried to add it all up, two and two only made three. This job had me so turned around I didn't know whether I was reaching for my hip flask or my holster, either way I was sure to get blasted."
"What's he going on about now?" Asked Hermione.
"Calvin has left the building. This is one of the imaginary people who live in his head." Hobbes explained. "Tracer Bullet, a film noir style detective. He has no chance of solving this mystery, but that won't stop him from narrating our ears off."
"My buddy had all the subtle wit of an exploding cigar, but we'd had a lot of good times together, so I looked the other way." Calvin went on. "The question was, could he stop cracking wise long enough to help me track down a lead?"
"Tell you what, Tracer, I'm gonna go check my bed for clues. See you in the morning." The tiger went up to the dormitory, and the others were quick to follow.
The next morning Harry was so worried about the Quidditch match he wouldn't eat at breakfast.
"Just a bit of toast," Hermione tried to convince him.
"I'm not hungry." Harry insisted.
"Come one Harry, breakfast is the most important meal of the day." Calvin told him.
"This from the boy who used to spend every morning scooping extra sugar onto a cereal that was already made up entirely of sugar, caffeine and artificial sweeteners." Said Hobbes.
By eleven o'clock it seemed the entire school was in the stands of the Quidditch pitch. Many people had brought binoculars, including Calvin, who'd found a spell to enhance the range of the toy binoculars his father had bought him years ago.
Ron, Hermione, Calvin and Hobbes were seated in the top row, with Neville, Seamus, and Dean Thomas. They had all pitched in on turning an old bed sheet into a banner supporting Harry.
While they waited for the match to begin, Ron and Dean got into an argument about the merits of Quidditch vs. Football, and Dean tried to rope Calvin into settling it.
"Which sport is Football again?" Calvin had to ask, having a vague notion there was more than one sport with that name.
"I forgot, you're American." Said Dean. "The one you call Soccer."
"Oh, right Soccer."
"You don't know which sport that is either, do you?" Said Hobbes.
"You know sports aren't my thing!"
By now the Gryffindor and Slytherin teams had come out onto the pitch, and Madame Hooch, acting as referee, was telling them she wanted a clean game. She was looking directly at Marcus Flint, the Slytherin captain. Soon After this they all mounted their brooms and took off into the air.
Lee Jordan, a good friend of Fred and George, was commentating. "And the Quaffle is taken immediately by Angelina Johnson of Gryffindor – what an excellent Chaser that girl is, and rather attractive, too –"
"JORDAN!" Scolded Professor McGonagall who was also in the commentator's box keeping a close eye on Lee.
"Sorry Professor. And she's really belting along up there, a neat pass to Alicia Spinnet, A good friend of Oliver Wood's, last year only a reserve – back to Johnson and – no, the Slytherins have taken the Quaffle, Slytherin Captain Marcus Flint Gains the Quaffle and off he goes – Flint flying like an eagle up there – he's going to sc– no, stopped by an excellent move by Gryffindor Keeper Wood and the Gryffindors take the Quaffle – That's Chaser Katie Bell of Gryffindor there, nice dive around Flint, Off up the field and – OUCH – that must have hurt, hit in the back of the head by a Bludger – Quaffle take by Slytherins – that's Adrian Pucey speeding of towards the goalposts, but he's blocked by a second Bludger – sent his way by Fred or George Weasley, can't tell which – nice play by the Gryffindor Beater, anyway, and Johnson back in possession of the Quaffle, a clear field ahead and off she goes – she's really flying – dodges a speeding Bludger – the goalposts are ahead – Come on, now, Angelina – Keeper Bletchley dives – misses – GRYFFINDOR SCORE!"
The Slytherins moaned while everyone else cheered.
"Budge up there, move along." Came a familiar voice.
"Hagrid!"
They all squeezed together so the groundskeeper could join them.
"Bin watchin' from me hut, but it isn't the same as bein' in the crowd." he said, patting a pair of binoculars around his neck. "No sign of the Snitch yet, eh?"
"Nope, Harry hasn't had much to do yet." said Ron.
"Kept outta trouble, though, that's somethin'," Hagrid replied, looking at Harry through his binoculars.
Harry had just evaded a Bludger, which was then chased down by Fred and hit towards Marcus Flint. Meanwhile, Lee was still doing the commentary.
"Slytherin in possession, Chaser Pucey Ducks two Bludgers, two Weasleys, and Chaser Bell and speeds toward the – wait a moment – was that the Snitch?"
A flash of gold had just whizzed by Adrian Pucey's left ear causing him to drop the Quaffle. Harry and the Slytherin Seeker Terrence Higgs both dived for the little golden ball. The Chasers forgot about their part in the game and watched intently. Except, that is for Marcus Flint, who saw that Harry was going to beat Terrence to the Snitch and rammed into him, nearly knocking him off his broom.
The Gryffindors all screamed, "Foul!"
Madam Hooch scolded Flint and ordered a free shot at the goalposts for Gryffindor. Meanwhile the Snitch had vanished in all the confusion.
Dean was shouting, "Send him off, ref! Red card!"
"What are you talking about, Dean?" Ron asked.
"Red card! In Football you get shown the red card and you're out of the game!"
"But this isn't Football, Dean," Ron pointed out.
"They oughta change the rules." Said Hagrid "Flint coulda knocked Harry out of the air."
"Where do the Quidditch rules stand on spectators hexing players?" Calvin wondered aloud.
"Doesn't matter," Said Hobbes. "At this distance you could never hit him before he flew out of the way. Maybe after the game I can threaten to eat him."
Lee's commentary was becoming a bit biased. "So – after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating –"
"Jordan!" Professor McGonagall growled.
"I mean after that open and revolting foul –"
"Jordan, I'm warning you –"
"All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I'm sure, so a penalty to Gryffindor, taken by Spinnet, who puts it away, no trouble, and we continue play, Gryffindor still in possession."
Then as Harry dodged another Bludger his broom started to lurch uncontrollably, like it was trying to buck him off, it zigzagged through the air and swished wildly. But at first it seemed no one noticed.
"Slytherin in possession – Flint with the Quaffle – passes Spinnet – passes Bell – hit hard in the face by a Bludger, hope it broke his nose – only joking, Professor – Slytherins score – oh no..."
A cheer went up from the Slytherins. Still the crowd hadn't noticed Harry's broom misbehaving.
"Dunno what Harry thinks he's doing," Hagrid said, watching through his binoculars. "If I didn' know better, I'd say he'd lost control of his broom... but he can't have..."
By now everyone had noticed as Harry's broom began to repeatedly roll. Nearly the entire stadium gasped as a wild jerk caused Harry to become unseated, hanging from the broom with one hand.
"Did something happen to it when Flint blocked him?" Asked Seamus.
"Can't have," Hagrid said with a shaky voice. "Can't nothing interfere with a broomstick except powerful dark magic – no kid could do that to a Nimbus Two Thousand."
At this Hermione grabbed Hagrid's binoculars and started scanning the crowd
"What are you doing?" asked Ron who'd turned rather gray.
"I knew it, Snape – look."
Ron grabbed the binoculars from Hermione while Calvin looked through his to see Snape in the stands opposite them, staring at Harry and muttering.
"He's doing something – jinxing the broom," Hermione said.
"What should we do?" Asked Ron.
"Leave it to me."
"Wait a minute Hermione," Whispered Calvin. "Are you planning on going over there and doing something totally against the rules to distract Snape? Maybe something reckless and even dangerous?"
"I suppose you could put it that way."
"I can't let you do that! That's my area of expertise!" And Calvin ran off instead.
"This should be good." Hobbes said Grabbing the binoculars Calvin had left behind to watch.
Once Calvin had reached a part of the stands where no one was looking at him he did a quick smokescreen spell, and when it cleared he had on a red mask and cape "This looks like a job for Stupendous Man!" He declared as he continued his sprint through the stands. "S for Stupendous! T for Tiger, ferocity of! U for Underwear, red! P for Power, incredible! E for Excellent physique! N for... Never did think of a thing for N! D for Determination! O for Outrageous! U for Underwear, red, again! S for Shoot, I never got all the way through spelling it before, and I have no idea how to end this chant!"
Meanwhile Hobbes, Hermione and Ron were watching as Calvin ran through the stands. Ron and Hermione had gotten into an argument over who would use Hagrid's binoculars, which had somehow ended with their heads pressed close together, each with one eye on the binoculars.
"Why's he dressed like that?" Asked Ron.
"Looks like Stupendous Man is off to save the day." Said Hobbes.
"Exactly how many of these alter-egos does he have?" Asked Hermione.
"That's a bit like asking how many stars there are in the sky. You can count as many times as you want, but you'll never get an accurate number."
Hagrid was still focused on Harry, between that and Neville sobbing into his jacket he hadn't even noticed Calvin had left.
"Stupendous Man spots his arch-nemesis, the evil Professor Git!" Calvin narrated as he barreled towards Snape, knocking over several people on the way, including Professor Quirrell. Then he hit Snape with a Bat-Bogey Hex.
"CALVIN CAMPBELL! What is the meaning of this?" Snape bellowed as bats made of snot flew out his nose and attacked him.
"I'm not Calvin! I'm Stupendous Man! Foe of tyranny! Defender of free will!" Calvin boasted, dodging as Snape lunged for him. "And your nefarious scheme is foiled! Flipendo!" The jinx knocked Snape over.
Lee's commentary continued. "Potter has managed to re-mount his broom and is speeding towards the ground – wait a minute, what's this? It seems there's a masked loony attacking people in the stands!"
"Jordan! Will you please focus on the – WHAT?"
The crowd was in an uproar as hundreds of binoculars turned toward Calvin. Stupendous man was now having to dodge several people trying to grab him.
"Professor Git's victim has been freed from the trap, but our hero is now outnumbered by vengeful henchmen. Stupendous Man decides to make a tactical retreat!" Calvin jumped over the back wall of the stadium, using the Softening Charm to turn the ground beneath him into a trampoline as he had for Neville before.
With all the commotion, almost no one had noticed that shortly after hitting the ground, Harry had coughed up the Golden Snitch, having nearly swallowed it during his dive. Eventually Harry had to fly up to the commentator's box and wave it in Lee's face, prompting him to cry out, "Potter's caught the Snitch! Gryffindor wins!"
"'Bout time he noticed!" Grumbled Hagrid, one of the few people who'd managed to stay focused on the game.
By this time Calvin had hurried back into the stands, without his cape and mask. "If anyone asks, I was here the whole time." He said quietly.
The Slytherins were still howling and everyone else was cheering twenty minutes later. But long before this Harry, Ron, Hermione, Calvin, Hobbes, and Hagrid slipped out heading for Hagrid's hut for tea. Except that on the way out of the stadium they crossed paths with Professor Snape who quickly grabbed Calvin by the wrist.
"There you are, 'Stupendous Man'."
"Me? Stupendous Man?" Repeated Calvin "You're confused, Professor. I'm just mild-mannered Calvin."
It took a great effort for everyone to keep a straight face at Calvin describing himself as mild-mannered.
"You're not fooling anyone." Snape told him. "Even if that mask weren't a pitiful disguise, you're the only one short enough to be Stupendous Man. And everyone's heard about your Softening Charm trick.
"Maybe one of the bigger students used a shrinking charm on himself." Calvin suggested. "And if everyone's heard about it, is it such a stretch to think someone else might eventually try it?"
"Excuse me Professor, but Calvin was with us when you were attacked." Lied Hermione.
"Yeah, it couldn't have been him." Agreed Ron.
"Is that true Hagrid?" asked Snape.
"Err... I couldn't say," Admitted Hagrid. "I was busy watching Harry."
"Seems to me Professor," Said Calvin. "Without some kind of proof, you can't blame me."
"Well, let's just see what Professor Dumbledore has to say about this." Snape said, leading Calvin away.
"Let me make sure I understand Severus," Said Dumbledore later in his office. "You never saw this 'Stupendous Man' without his mask?"
"Well, no, but it was obviously –"
"And Miss Granger and Mr. Ronald Weasley say he was with them, on the other side of the stadium, during the incident?"
"Well, yes, but they –"
"And you can provide no evidence to the contrary?"
"Well... no..."
"Then it seems that Mr. Campbell is correct, unless you can find some proof that he was your masked assailant, this matter ends here." Dumbledore replied. "Now Severus, if you don't mind, I'd like a word in private with Mr. Campbell."
Snape left, fuming. Calvin barely noticed, he was too distracted by the many interesting things in the office. Tables of mysterious silver devices, the sorting hat on a shelf behind the desk, portraits of all the former Headmasters and Headmistresses napping in their frames (Though Calvin suspected at least some of them were faking), but what Calvin was most drawn to was the large red and gold bird perched by the door.
"Now then, Calvin... Calvin?"
"Huh? Oh sorry Professor, I was caught up admiring your bird." Calvin explained. "It's a phoenix, right?"
"Yes." Dumbledore smiled. "Fawkes is quite impressive, isn't he?"
"Very!" agreed Calvin.
"Now, Calvin, I've been meaning to have a word with you for some time." Dumbledore said. "I've heard quite a bit about you these past months. By all accounts you're a rather brilliant, talented young man, albeit quite unruly."
"What am I in trouble for?" Asked Calvin.
"Nothing Calvin." Replied Dumbledore. "What I really wanted to talk to you about, was something Professor McGonagall mentioned after meeting with you over the summer."
"Is this about the noodle incident?"
"No, although that was a most interesting story." Dumbledore answered. "Professor McGonagall tells me that when she told you that you were a wizard, you weren't surprised. That you said you had always known yourself to be 'special'. That concerns me. You see many years ago, I was tasked with delivering that same news to a boy your age, and he responded the same way, with those exact words. And this boy was also quite clever, and unusually skilled with magic. But he used his talent in the worst possible ways, he grew up to do terrible things."
"And you're worried I might turn out like him?" said Calvin.
"The thought crossed my mind." Admitted Dumbledore. "But I also know you've made choices he never would have. For instance this boy never would have used magic to create a friend, as you did with Hobbes. Nor would he ever risk his life for another, as you Mr. Potter, and Mr, Ronald Weasley did on Halloween. So it would seem you are not on the same path as this boy was. I merely wanted to give you a warning. I've known several wizards who made the wrong choices because talent went to their heads. Be careful not to confuse being cleverer than others with being better than them. And hold tight to your friends, good friends can make all the difference. You may go now."
"Yes Professor, I'll remember that." Calvin said, getting up. "Oh before I go, I would like to apologize to the Sorting Hat for Hobbes's behavior at the Start-of-Term feast. And I'd like to tell the man in that portrait there that he needs to work on his fake snoring."
The Hat merely grunted in response. As Calvin left he could hear several of the other portraits criticizing the one he'd pointed out.
Later in the common room Calvin met up with Harry, Ron, Hermione and Hobbes, who had much to tell them. They'd told Hagrid about Snape jinxing Harry's broom, and trying to sneak past the three-headed dog on Halloween. And while telling them Snape wouldn't do that Hagrid had let some very interesting things slip. That the three-headed dog belonged to him and was called Fluffy, that he'd lent it to Dumbledore to guard something, and that someone named Nicolas Flamel was involved in it.
This brought up many questions, but first and foremost on Calvin's mind was, "Why on Earth would Hagrid choose to name that thing Fluffy?"
A while back I was re-reading what I'd written and realized "Oh ****! I had Calvin say the same thing Voldemort did when he found out he was a wizard!" so I decided to make a thing out out of it. Came out pretty nice, don't you think?