Every morning when she woke- or if Brynn were being honest with herself, every afternoon- she kept her eyes shut another minute and allowed herself to hope that maybe, just maybe, this time when she woke up, it would be in her own bed. Or a stranger's bed. Or a rocky beach. A park bench. Even in the street somewhere. She'd settle for anywhere that wasn't this place, as long as it was in a reality she recognized. The bar was incredibly low. If she woke up on the moon, she'd use her dying breath to say 'thank fucking god' to absolutely no one.
The ritual had yet to work out for her. It was always the cabin she woke up to, with Valya fretting over her, and a lingering headache that served as a helpful reminder that she'd almost died- or that she hadn't drank enough water. It tasted funny and a trip to and from the well with a bucket of sloshing water was more than she was interested in most days.
Beyond the walls were the stares and the whispers which hadn't gotten any more comfortable to deal with. She'd found an old stocking and cut holes for her fingers, wearing it any time she had to leave the cabin. Which was increasingly rare.
"Are you attempting to freeze the water?" Solas' voice rudely interrupted Brynn's pity party for one.
"Oh. Um… yeah," she squinted one eye open to verify that she hadn't been particularly convincing. Solas' lips were thin with disapproval and his frown deepened at her response.
"You are not."
"I got distracted," she knew he was trying to help, with her magic, and the language. It wasn't entirely her fault her brain felt scrambled. Learning Klingon and how to conjure a unicorn out of your ass would do that to a person- possibly also the lingering effects of a concussion. And on top of that, obviously none of this was really real. It was one thing to work her ass off in the kitchen to get a promotion, or to get really good at juggling. Those would be actual life skills she could implement someday as a restaurant magician. Which is a thing.
It was entirely different to put effort into something that ultimately seemed so pointless. It felt like during her waking hours, she was playing some kind of fantasy simulator. Sure, she could level up, but what was the point? Could she get a badge in made up languages? Did she want to make a life out of hunting down demons and getting her ass kicked? When does that get fun?
Solas met her in the Fade from time to time too, keen to work on her education even while she slept. That was definitely more interesting, but mostly because she didn't have to deal with being tired, in pain, or thinking about how desperate she was to get back home- in addition to listening to Solas talk about how neat his spirit friends were.
Since she had more than enough of him in her waking hours, sometimes she 'snuck off' while she dreamed, returning to the library she'd found in her first accidental trip to the Fade.
It was easier to remember the place when she woke now, and bits and pieces of what she studied there were starting to stick. The books there weren't like any books she'd ever read. They were like memories woven into the pages and while the history itself seemed to go over her head, more than a few words were starting to stick.
She'd understood maybe a third of the words Valya had rambled that morning. Most of it was planning out her day, and there might have been a passive aggressive comment about the hours Brynn kept, but it was hard to tell tone. As far as she could tell there wasn't any animosity, so she considered her and Valya on passable terms. Although since Brynn didn't actually think she'd learned the words for 'Shit-brains McSlutdom' yet, it was possible she just hadn't picked up on it.
It wouldn't be fair to claim all of it had been in the name of learning. She dodged Solas sometimes because of the Librarian as well. He wasn't always there, but they crossed paths occasionally, and it was marvelous to talk to someone who wasn't Solas. He'd even taught her some magic. She'd gotten the knack of how to light a candle- mostly. But a thin pinprick of her finger and some focus usually gave even odds of sparking the fire at night if the ashes had grown cold.
She was hesitant to tell Solas about the Librarian. Partly because they were both such nerds that she was worried they'd spend all their time picking each other's brains and she'd have to make conversation with the skeleton. But also, because while Solas appeared to be entirely unafraid of the Fade and those that roamed in it himself, he seemed very concerned with Brynn's inexperience given her sudden and unexpected exposure to magic.
He'd laid down some very simple rules intended to keep her safe, which she thought was perfectly reasonable if she hadn't already broken about half of them.
But she'd stuck to them for the most part going forward. After all, being inhabited by some demon spawn to awaken in an even worse mood than she usually did- and then promptly be murdered by the man with the greasy mustache, or Cassandra- sounded like a real drag.
No true names, no true faces. She'd adopted the code name 'Noodle' because it was the first thing that had come to mind that she thought would baffle Solas. It did. And when she'd finally gotten the hang of maintaining a physical form, she'd cycled through the cast of Captain Planet.
"-great deal more successful if you would focus," a small spark of light erupted from the bowl and Brynn startled. Solas' narrow gaze suggested he had absolutely noticed her tuning him out.
"Sorry, it's just…"
"Difficult. I understand," Solas' patient tone had been getting sharper and sharper as their sessions had gone on. It had been at least three weeks, which seemed like a horrific amount of time.
"However, I do not think it should be beyond your understanding that while many in the village believe you to be their savior, they've not learned that you are as of yet an untrained mage with magics that are unfamiliar to even myself. If they discover that before you can manage the simplest spell, there is a chance they will risk their odds with the Breach alone and choose to eliminate your potential threat. In fact, several have already made the attempt while you recovered."
That was news to her, but she suspected Solas was just being dramatic because she was being petulant. Fair enough.
"Yes, I'm aware Cassandra is still actively thinking about stabbing me. I don't suppose we could just put up a sign letting everyone know I'm not interested in killing anyone?" she still woke in a cold sweat some nights, reliving the fights from the mountain. That had been a great deal more gore and viscera than she was accustomed to as a pastry chef.
"Not all mages who became abominations did so with intention or malice- they were simply overwhelmed by what they did not know or understand. That lack of knowledge consumed them. I would take care not to let it consume you."
Brynn gave a broken laugh, "Is it possible to be so unknowledgeable that I'm actively opposing any evil forces that are trying to do harm? Like, at this point even if I went rogue, I don't think I'd accomplish anything other than tripping over my own feet."
"That is… not how abomination works," he said chidingly, a little confused.
"So, I'd be a better magician if I let a demon take the wheel?"
His ears twitched in annoyance now, "You are a mage. And it would serve you well not to make such comments."
"Yikes, tough crowd," Brynn rolled her eyes and stood up. Her body was mostly healed, but there were still hints of aches that sitting cross-legged on the floor could refresh. "It's not like anyone other than you can understand me."
"And who's fault is that?" Solas stood smoothly, like sitting that way hadn't been uncomfortable for him in the least. "You did agree to this training, did you not?"
"Well, sure," she shrugged. "It's not like I had a lot else going on though."
"There is a litany of other things you could contribute to the village."
"Oh sure, but I love these daily training sessions so much it's hard to schedule anything else."
"Very well," his voice was a razor and she knew she'd pushed him too far. He turned to leave, and Brynn groaned. "I can see you have no interest in this matter."
"No, wait. Come on, Solas," she grabbed his elbow and he gave her a sharp look. "Look, I know I'm being an ass. But that's not- I'm not trying to do it to piss you off."
"What is your goal then? What is your purpose here? Hiding away in the cabin as though sinking your head in the sand will resolve things to your liking?"
"Wait," she frowned, trying to disguise how sharply that had hurt since it had been a little too on target. "Would that work?"
Solas shook his head with a scowl and began to pull away again.
"I'm freaked out, okay? I keep expecting this to be over. This isn't-" she waved around them. "This isn't really my speed. This is just a glitch in the matrix or something. And frankly, it's a pain in the ass. So, I keep hoping I'm gonna go back to normal. And it feels like a waste of time to try, you know?" it was probably the most openly honest she'd been about something in several years. Which is why she avoided honesty, because if she'd hoped to calm him down, she had failed.
"None of this is normal for anyone. Whether you find yourself comfortable here or not is irrelevant. You are here. And you are our best hope of avoiding further disaster. Do you feel the assistance you could offer to these people is also a waste of time?"
"Well…" she trailed off with a shrug. "I mean, kind of. Cause this isn't- I mean. You're an elf for Christ sake. None of this is actually happening. Obviously." Again, her honesty seemed to be unappreciated.
His eyes narrowed on her, a mixture of irritation and concern there. "Perhaps you have not yet recovered enough from your experiences. But I assure you this is happening, whether you are willing to admit it or not." He pulled from her grip and strode away.
"Solas, come on-" Brynn groaned. "Look! I'm trying," she stooped down to pick up the bowl of water, spilling half of it as she stood and closed her eyes. Making a humming sound to give indication that she was doing something with it. She heard the door shut behind him, leaving her alone in the cabin.
"Stupid pompous imagination Billy Zane," she muttered irritably. She did try then, reaching out with her senses to feel the water that still rippled in the bowl. And with a sudden snap, she sucked the warmth from it into her hand and the balance of the bowl changed.
She opened her eyes a crack and saw that it had frozen, one side of the ice just swayed to the edge of the bowl. That had been awfully easy.
"Hey," she shouted, forgetting that Solas was already gone. "Hey!" she shouted louder, marching out the door into the afternoon sun. "Hey baldy, I did it!" she yelled across the small courtyard between the other cabins. He was nearly to the road when he came to a stop and turned, a curious, if annoyed, look on his face. "I froze it. See. I'm not trying to be a dick, I tried-" she caught herself short when she spotted movement to her left.
"Yeep!" What she thought had been part of the woodpile outside her door was actually a person. As soon as he stepped forward, she'd let out a sharp yelp and stumbled sideways. She thought it might have been that demon abomination Solas had been warning her about.
"Oh, it's you," she muttered, shaking her head at the Commander. The other angry one from the council who looked very on board with Cassandra's 'stab Brynn' agenda.
She'd been delighted to have flown under the council's radar since their first meeting. It was rare that she saw them when she emerged outside, and they always seemed so busy they never bothered doing much more than give her a cursory glance.
Cassandra was always disapproving and harried. Leliana's gaze was entirely too thoughtful and sharp. Josephine had smiled at her once, she was Brynn's favorite. The Commander, without a doubt, always looked like he was in desperate need of a nap.
He looked especially tired today, deep circles beneath his brown eyes and he had several days' worth of five o'clock shadows stacked up. He didn't bother offering anything resembling a greeting, though she thought she might have heard a gruff apology. Whatever it was, he indicated she was needed further up the road.
"I froze it," she showed the bowl to him, smiling a little despite herself. It hadn't been the first magic she'd managed to do for Solas, but it certainly had been the first time it'd come easily. She tipped the bowl over, showing how it didn't spill. "Like a DQ Blizzard, eh?"
The Commander gave her a bewildered look, shaking his head as he searched for words. And then thought better of it, his gaze locking on Solas and calling out to him, desperate for assistance with the bowl-wielding lunatic.
"It appears the council wishes to speak with you again," Solas helped translate before he turned to walk away. "If that will not also be a waste of your time."
"Oh, come on, I was-" the Commander still seemed skeptical, but indicated she should follow and began to march toward Solas, so she followed behind him. "I was having a bad day Solas, can't a girl have a mental breakdown from time to time?"
Solas did pause, waiting for them to catch up. "I suppose, though I would like to emphasize that now is not a particularly prudent time for such things."
"I know that, but look," she held up the bowl for him again. "I did it. I'm having a mental break down, but I did the thing."
The Commander still seemed to be unnerved by her excitement at a bowl of ice, which she supposed was understandable.
"I see," Solas gave a polite nod but continued walking. "Perhaps next time you can do it before we are both bored to tears," his tone indicated he was still annoyed with her, but not as irate as when he had left. That was something. Given how short she was on friends, or even acquaintances- she couldn't really afford to burn that bridge.
"Not even a high-five from this mother fucker," Brynn turned to the Commander who walked in step with them, gesturing to the bowl. "I did the thing and everything!"
He gave her a wary look and then quickened his pace to lead them.
"Unbelievable."