Almost caught up to Ao3! Once I'm actually caught up I'll be posting Author's notes again ^^;
The song referenced in this chapter is "My Window" by the Residents. This isn't a songfic, don't worry, it's just a shout out XD
Chapter Sixteen
Today had not been a good one.
It wasn't a specific thing; just a culmination of little things. Seeing my now useless glasses sitting on a counter, reminding me of my recent venture into being something that wasn't quite human, followed by being late to teach class, followed by the terrible two (they actually were pretty well-behaved recently, today was a rough day for them too, I suppose) causing problems, not to mention the weather turning grey. Normally I liked a dull cloudy sky, but something about it just added to the grim mood the day was shaping up to have.
It reminded me a little of a song I loved;
The wind was cold
And the world was old
When I went to my window today
The sky was dark
As a hopeless heart
When I went to my window today
Not an especially joyful song, but sometimes you don't want to hear a happy song.
Today had been one of the days where, normally, I wouldn't have minded just sitting in the window and feeling sad about nothing. There can be something oddly gratifying about feeling sad sometimes.
So I flopped down on my couch after a long, draining day, and lay there for a while, before deciding to splash some cold water on my face. That sometimes helped keep the anxiety from kicking in too much. I rose and shuffled to the bathroom, sighing heavily, reaching for the sink.
I stood in front of my mirror, then paused awkwardly.
And then,
Something… broke.
It was like the whole world had gone blurry and melty.
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even think properly. It was like everything except me was moving in fast-forward. I stumbled forward, wrapping my hands around the edge of the counter, struggling to regain myself.
It was like I wasn't me.
I wasn't me.
I wasn't me .
Get out get out get out get out get out-
I fumbled, yanking a drawer open, and, desperately, grabbed the first thing I could- some scissors I used occasionally to trim my hair, and jabbed my palm onto the sharp tip.
As stupid as it was, it managed to ground me, if only temporarily. The sharp pain and the blossom of crimson along my hand snapped the world back into place. I cursed as blood spilled into the sink- it was a deeper jab than I had intended.
At first, I thought it had done the trick. For a moment, things sort of seemed to begin sliding back into place.
But then my mind was still hazy, and my thoughts were starting to disconnect again..
Get it out.
The gem in my back.
It had to be that.
It had to be.
I had to get it out.
I had to.
It needed to get out .
Scissors.
Hand.
Back.
Cut.
GET IT OUT.
I had lifted my shirt with one hand, and began dragging the tip of the scissors against the hard stone embedded against my back, the sharp tips prickling against my skin. Digging them in, a millimeter at a time, heat and wetness falling from my back...
"Miss Ying? Your door was open… Erm, are you here?"
Diopside's voice rang through my apartment, and my mind snapped into place. I felt blood dripping down my fingers and cursed softly, trying to focus my brain, to fight off whatever was happening to me. I opened my mouth to cry out, to scream for help, but I couldn't get the words out.
"I'm fine!" My voice squeaked instead. That wasn't even the answer to the question. "Did you lock yourself out again? Uh, the spare keys are on the counter!"
What. Am. I. Doing.
I slammed the scissors onto the counter shakily. They were stained red.
"...Are you certain you are well? You are speaking in a very stilted manner. . "
I felt like maybe pointing out that this was a case of the pot calling the kettle black, but Diopside always had a stilted speech pattern. She was right that I was acting weird.
"I-I'm fine! I just need to get this out…" I hummed, brain a total mess. My mind was slipping away again, my fingers starting to curl around the scissors.
"Get… what ?" Diopside's voice approached closer, wariness in her voice.
"The gem thing! It doesn't belong there so I need to get it out!" My voice was shrill, rasping against my throat. There was a momentary pause, then a shuffling sound.
"My apologies for this, Miss Ying, but I don't like the sound of that." There was a crash, and I jumped, the scissors clattering to the floor. There was another crash, and the door swung violently open. Diopside had broken it down, her gem weapon in hand.
"I just, I just, I just-" I stuttered, trying to fight to regain some control of myself. Diopside paused, seeing the scissors in my hand, and approached, her voice calm and quiet.
"Please, just do not move, Miss Ying. You will be just fine." She urged. My fingers trembled, and I held my arm out.
"G-get them- get them away." I begged her, and she gingerly curled her fingers around my wrist, carefully taking the scissors from my hands. I felt my hand slowly going limp as the cold metal was extricated from my grasp, and placed on the counter.
Diopside's hammer vanished, and instead, she shifted, her fingers shapeshifting, wrapping around my wrist more tightly. I felt electricity threatening to force itself out of my hands and bit my lip tightly, refusing to allow myself to shock my neighbor.
There was a strange numbness that spread across my arm, up into my shoulders, and to my head-
And then I blacked out.
When I came to, I was laying on a couch, and I could hear voices, slightly muffled due to how my head was pressed sideways into the cushions. My hand was bandaged, I could tell from the stiff feeling, and my head felt normal again. I could feel more bandages on my back, as well.
"I did not wish to risk her harming herself further, or panicking and attempting to electrocute someone, so I used my powers to temporarily subdue and sedate her. As I said prior, she is safe, simply unconscious. Spinel was very aggressive in making sure I had not harmed her." Diopside was saying, with a dry humorless chuckle. She sounded tired and worried.
"You said she didn't even sound like herself?" That was Pearl. Pearl was here too.
"She had injured her hand with the scissors, I believe, in an attempt to prevent… whatever was happening to her." Diopside was less certain. "I don't know much about humans, but I could tell she was fighting against… something."
"Sorry fer nearly attacking ya." Spinel's voice was a source of comfort to me. If she was here, she could keep me from…
From whatever that was.
"It is understandable. I imagine the scene looked… suspicious." My neighbor gave a squeaky giggle, though it was a bit forced. "You do not have anything sharp in here, do you? It might be best to keep her away from…"
For a moment, I was a little miffed, but then, I came to my senses and realized that was actually probably a smart idea. Slowly I pushed upright, grunting a little as I sat up. Spinel was at my side in an instant.
"Y-ying! C'mon talk to me, you okay?"
"Better." I managed to croak, placing my good hand on Spinel's gently. "I… I've never had that happen before…"
"What… was it?" Garnet was there as well. Even with her glasses on, I could sense the concern in her gaze.
"I… I'm not sure." I mumbled as I glanced at my bandaged hand, leaning on Spinel. "I've had panic attacks and anxiety attacks, but… never anything like that . It was like I was totally... Like I wasn't even in control of myself. I've read about… dissociative episodes, maybe it was that?"
"Hm." Garnet crossed her arms, mouth twisting into a frown. "And it's… never happened before?"
I shook my head seriously. "Not once. All I could think about was… trying to get the Fulgurite out of my back…"
"It could have further negative effects on you then Selenite and Tall Peridot initially thought." Diopside suggested. I raised an eyebrow.
"Is that actually what you're calling her?" I couldn't help myself. Diopside just shrugged.
"She is a Peridot and she is very tall."
"We should ask them to take another look at that Fulgurite." Pearl suggested. I nodded.
Pearl moved to leave, presumably to fetch the scientists in question.
Apparently, they had brought me to Spinel's home for now; to keep me away from the place where I had nearly tried to rip the rock out of my back. Considering how close it was to my spine, I was lucky someone came when they did...
Spinel clung to my side tightly. "M'not letting go, even if you promise to not do that again."
"Please keep holding on." I murmured, slowly wrapping my arms around her. "I don't think I will but I don't want to risk it."
Spinel nodded, burying her face against my side, uttering a shaky breath. "You scared the heck outta me, darlin'."
"I'm sorry." I whispered. Hot shame and guilt began to wash over me in waves.
I had hurt myself. Why?
I thought I was done with hurting myself.
And worse, I had scared my friends and girlfriend badly.
Garnet was still in the room, but she had moved to give us a little more privacy, and Diopside had quietly excused herself, after triple-checking to make sure I was back in control of my own mind again.
Everything began to slowly sink in. The stress of the day, the episode that had seemingly come from nowhere…
I felt the sting of tears against my eyes and I clung to Spinel even tighter, shuddering as a strangled sob worked its way slowly out of my throat. It was a raw, ugly sound, and Spinel's eyes snapped up to meet mine, as I broke down, weeping and clinging to her. Spinel cradled me close, stroking my hair and humming softly. I didn't recognize the tune, but all I really cared about was the way her voice was sending comforting vibrations against me.
I badly needed an anchor, and Spinel was doing a wonderful job of that.
"I'm scared." I admitted, finally, gasping out the words. "I-I just… What was I doing? Why was I doing that?"
"I don't know." Spinel admitted, tentatively. "But we'll figure it out, okay? You're not alone." She pursed her lips. "...Seriously, I'm not leaving you alone after that."
I couldn't help but laugh at that, a weak shaky gasping giggle. Spinel smiled, small and awkward, squeezing me gently.
For a while, we remained, Spinel gently wiping the tears from my face as I sobbed and sniffled clumsily against her. The tears finally began to dry, and I shakily sat up. I couldn't see, but I imagine my eyes were fairly puffy and red-rimmed, not that it was easy to tell. I was a bit surprised when Garnet wordlessly trotted over, passing me a damp, warm washcloth.
"Future Vision." she dryly remarked. "...Actually, I'm joking. I just thought you might want that."
I managed a weak smile, slowly scrubbing my face with the cloth. I felt terrible, but I could at least risk a little optimism.
Eventually, Pearl returned, and Selenite and Tall Peridot (we had to think of a better nickname for her) trailed in behind her. As usual, Selenite hid partially behind Tall Peridot, though at least now she was comfortable enough with us all that she didn't cower totally behind her at all times. I stood shakily.
"G-good evening. Ah… Well, Pearl only gave us the basics…" Selenite chirped awkwardly, floating off the ground a little out of sheer anxiousness. "Could you perhaps… explain to us in detail what happened?"
Reluctantly, I complied, bringing up what I could. The stress of the day, the way the world "broke", the sudden maddening urge to remove the gem from my body, the way I tried to regain control and failed, and the utter panic and disconnect I was feeling.
"That's troubling." Peridot hummed. Pearl couldn't resist rolling her eyes at the understatement, but she kept quiet, as the duo of scientist gems carefully moved to check the gem, with my permission.
"And it has been manifesting some degree of power, yes?" Selenite hummed, studying the rock embedded inside me.
"Yeah. I've only barely learned to control it, though." I admitted weakly. "I can make my hands go all crackly, and shoot small sparks out, but other than that, all I've figured is how to keep that from happening."
"Hmm…" Selenite began floating upwards until she nearly touched the ceiling, lost in thought. Despite the seriousness of the situation, Spinel had to bite her lip to hold in a laugh at the sight. Peridot, meanwhile, produced a slender wand-like device, slowly waving it over the gem.
"These readings are… odd." She hummed. "I can't tell if it's because your biometrics are throwing off the scan or if the fulgurite itself is behaving unusually."
"Is it the bandages?" I suggested, but she shook her head.
"No, these… "ban-da-ges" shouldn't cause any difficulty for the scanner." She straightened, wavering the scanner over the rest of me now. "It simply takes energy signature readings. All gems produce energy, even inert ones with no actual life in them like yours."
"Inert, huh?" I hummed, arms crossed.
"Correct." She nodded. "Without contact with diamond essence, gems cannot begin to "live" properly, and as such only exist as stones that produce energy with no awareness or intelligence."
"It's what injectors do." Pearl grimaced. "Well, they did ."
"Most injectors." Spinel nervously added, with a very rueful look on her face. Garnet just patted Spinel once on the shoulder, and she relaxed slightly.
"So… you think that something's up." I hummed.
"Maybe?" Peridot nervously wrung her hands. Selenite dropped down slowly, placing her hands on Peridot's shoulders.
"It's possible that the Fulgurite in you is somehow reacting to being in contact with your consciousness." She suggested, thoughtfully. "It's only a theory. It may be that it was warping your thoughts and senses and creating that sense of not being yourself." She tipped her head from side to side. "That's just theoretical."
"Then… what should we do?" I sank into the couch and Spinel squeezed my hand.
"Well… The gem still is trying to settle with being in something organic. It might be causing temporary bouts of psychosis. For the time being, we should just avoid letting you spend too much time alone." Selenite gently suggested. I let out a weak bark of laughter.
"Yeah, I… I was gonna say, being alone when I apparently am at risk of sudden psychotic breaks is a recipe for pain. I'll make sure to have company."
Selenite bobbed her head, her expression twisting faintly.
"...I know we have said this before, but… I am sorry for our involvement in this." She murmured. Peridot squeezed her hand meekly.
"It wasn't your fault, not entirely." I reassured her.
"Still." Peridot hummed. "It's still because of our dumb unfinished procedure and my AI having a busted code that caused this. We'll do what we can to help. We owe it to you, after all."
"I appreciate that." I admitted, with a small weak smile. "Are you two… happy here? On Little Homeworld?"
"Absolutely!" Selenite gushed, bouncing a little. "We ah… We are closer than many gems, to the point where back before the war, it might have gotten us shattered , and this place… It's so normal!"
"Well… Good." I hummed. I had assumed there was something going on between them; especially with how clingy Selenite could be and how protective Tall Peridot was of her.
"For now though, I'd like to analyze this scan more with a proper computer." Tall Dot hummed, studying the wand she had used to scan me. "It's weird."
"Agreed… If you'll excuse us. We'll get back to you as soon as we know more. I promise." Selenite curtsied slightly, and the pair strolled out.
"Well, that might have been helpful." Pearl sounded doubtful though. She turned, a bit of concern working back into her voice. "Do you want to be walked home, Ying?"
I sighed, slowly collapsing against Spinel. "I think I should probably stay here. I-if that's okay with you, Spinel…"
She smiled and ruffled my hair gently. "'Course it's fine. Don't worry about it, Sweets."
Oh god, pet names, I am far too gay for this.
I'm pretty sure I saw Garnet smirk as she headed out, guiding Pearl along with her. Finally it was just me and Spinel. I nestled against her with a low groan.
"It's been a day ." I announced weakly. Spinel pursed her lips a bit, shifting so I could rest properly on her.
"Hmm." She hummed in agreement. "...Can I… I wanna help."
"Then… Could you distract me? Please?" I begged timidly. "Just… talk with me about anything that isn't what just happened. Anything at all."
Spinel gently kissed my forehead, and I felt my face practically catch fire- God we've been dating for nearly a month and it still gets me blushing like this every time she does that.
"Tell me more about that holiday ya said was coming soon." she hummed gently, cradling me in her arms. I nodded.
"Okay." I hummed, smiling a little. "I've got a few stories about this one… How about that? Myths and stuff."
Spinel nodded excitedly. "I do like stories…!"
"Okay…" I shifted, so that we were both comfortably laying on Spinel's couch, head tilting up, closing my eyes to remember. "Samhain stories, huh? How about… I'll start with one that explains a tradition! The story of Stingy Jack…"