I'm not too happy with the pacing of this chapter. I dunno. The actual CHAPTER feels fine, just the pacing bugs me... Dunno, what do you think?
Anyway, hope you enjoy! :3
Chapter Nineteen
I awoke slowly the next morning, eyes flitting open, and finding myself face-to-face with Spinel, who was apparently already awake. She gave me a fond smile, reaching out a hand to lightly brush some hair from my face.
"Good morning." She purred, nuzzling my face softly. I giggled a bit as her face lightly rubbed against mine.
"G'mornin…" I mumbled, smiling back at her. "Mmh… Were… Were you watching me sleep?"
Spinel blushed. "M-maybe? A little? Ya just looked… All peaceful-like. Ya had this adorable lil smile on your face..." She shyly glanced down a bit. "Is uh, that bad? That I was watching?"
"Well in this context, I think it's fine." I smiled, kissing her cheek. "We are girlfriends, sharing a bed."
"Mm." She nodded softly, burying her face against me, head resting in the fabric of my pajama top. "I… I've never had such a peaceful sleep." She admitted, voice ever-so-quiet. I gently traced my fingers along the back of her head, dancing through the pink hair.
"No?" I hummed. "I mean, I know you haven't been sleeping for very long."
"Yeah." She admitted, voice muffled in my chest. "I only started trying to sleep after… I had my breakdown." She admitted. "...Had a lot of dreams. Some were just weird nonsense but a lot were the Garden."
I frowned, cradling her softly against me. "I can see why you might not want to sleep after seeing that again."
Spinel smiled a little, looking up at my face again, head still resting on my chest. "Tonight I didn't have a dream, exactly. Just… I just felt safe and warm."
"Me too." I admitted, cheeks flushing a bit. I couldn't help it. The way her hair was right now just struck me as extra-cute. She had a messy disheveled look to her, but the easy smile on her face and how relaxed she was… It made the bedhead look… It was hard to describe exactly. It was like it was just comfortable the way it was. It looked almost like she had deliberately shifted it to frame her face, but not quite.
It was definitely making my heart do things but as far as I can tell that's just par for the course with Spinel.
Was I perhaps a bit too excited about everything she did?
Yeah, probably but god I didn't give a damn.
Instead I opted to draw her close and plant a very soft kiss on her forehead. The height difference between us meant that laying down like this was probably the best chance I'd get to do that without tugging her down and standing on tip-toe.
"Mmh. Don't wanna get up." I murmured.
"Then let's not." Spinel cheerfully replied. "No class til' tomorrow, remember?"
"Perfect. You're a genius." I grinned playfully, snuggling against her and closing my eyes for a moment. "Cute, soft, cuddly and smart? I really am lucky to have you."
Spinel made a happy little noise, as she squeezed me close to her. For a while we remained like that, silently snuggling and half-dozing in each other's arms.
There was a lot going on. Nobody would begrudge us a few hours of peace together.
Eventually though, Spinel sat up. She was naturally pretty high energy, so it made sense she was restless. I was still exhausted though. I started to sit up with her, but she smiled and gently pushed me back.
"You're exhausted, sweetcheeks." She hummed, playfully pushing the blankets over me. I pretended to grumble as she tucked me in but couldn't help but laugh.
"Fine, fine… I'll sleep a while longer." I huffed. Spinel leaned over me, gently kissing my forehead.
"I'll be in town. Gonna walk around. One of those days. I just kinda wanna walk around and be with my thoughts." She smiled softly, giving my hair an affectionate ruffle.
"Mmh… I get those days too." I hummed with a sleepy smile. "Have a good walk…"
Spinel pecked my cheek again, then slipped out the room. I felt my lids growing heavy once again. I hadn't realized just how exhausted I truly was until just this moment. Naptime for Ying, then. I just closed my eyes and slowly allowed sleep to claim me…
Spinel found her feet carrying her away from Little Homeworld, towards the outskirts of Beach City. This planet really was a wonderful place.
Good thing she failed hard when she tried to destroy it.
Spinel's gaze cast itself towards the cliffside, feeling a little shiver. This whole city really had done a number on her mental health. She had so many memories in such a short time. The Injector, the first fight with Steven, forgetting everything… All those memories, up to and including the time Steven became a giant pink monster.
Spinel remembered that day far too well. In hindsight, she probably hadn't been the most helpful. Trying too hard to be silly and fun, to lighten the mood…
Yeah she definitely didn't help.
Not like that's new. She thought, a touch bitterly, eyes drifting towards her feet. Seems like until recently I was no help to anyone.
She lightly bonked herself on the head. Not hard enough to hurt. Once upon a time, she would have slammed her fist into her own face full-force, but some firm scoldings from pretty much everyone put an end to that habit.
Stop that. You're better now. She took a slow breath, then felt a rush of boldness, beginning to walk faster, heading up the path to the lighthouse. Somehow the cliffside had mostly survived everything that had happened. Either that or it had been rebuilt. She wouldn't put it past some gems to have somehow rebuilt an entire cliff.
She hadn't been up here since her first arrival on earth.
"Okay…" She mumbled, exhaling softly. "Okay-okay-okay." Spinel stood, letting her nerves calm. "I can do this. If I panic, I can just go back home and cry on Ying, she'll understand." Spinel took a few more steps.
It didn't make her panic at all, which was a pleasant surprise. It still wasn't comfortable exactly but…
"I'm okay." She hummed, a touch of pleasant surprise in her voice. Slowly, Spinel sank to find a place to sit in the grass. It was… This place was definitely a little much, but it wasn't giving her that incredibly uncomfortable prickle that she usually got before a breakdown.
Instead, she just ran her fingers through the grass, closing her eyes a bit, letting the sea breeze wash over her face.
She felt… content. Stable.
How long had it been since she had felt like that?
Spinel blinked her eyes open, mouth curling into a slow frown as she pondered that. She had felt… safe living with the Diamonds, but not exactly content. Like she had always been walking on eggshells. A living reminder of what they had lost.
And while it had helped, it probably wasn't doing her favors long-term to be living a life like that.
I should probably visit them soon. She thought, a bit amused. They did ask me to try and talk to them every now and then, and it has been a bit.
...Probably shouldn't talk about Ying. Might confuse them a lot.
Despite the major strides they had made, she doubted that they'd be able to fully understand.
...Would they?
Pink fell in love with a human, didn't she?
And then she disappeared forever and left a bit of her behind in Steven.
...Yeah, maybe it was not a good idea to bring this whole… thing up yet. Spinel had no intentions of disappearing any time soon, but for beings that lived for literal millennia, it probably would have felt like a fresh wound.
"Geez." She mumbled, burrowing her face in her hands. "What a mess. Guess I'm more like her than I thought..."
"Like who?"
Spinel jumped, turning in surprise. Pearl was a few feet away, her head in a quizzical tilt, a sheepish look on her face.
"Oh, sorry. I wasn't trying to sneak up on you." She apologized.
Spinel just laughed weakly. "Jeez… I uh… Think it's just me, bein' all broody. That's all."
Pearl nodded. "A lot of people come up here when they're feeling that way. It's pretty quiet as long as Ronaldo isn't causing a fuss up in the Lighthouse."
"Good scenery for it." Spinel nodded.
"So are things… alright?" Pearl asked tentatively.
Spinel nodded. "Yeah, just… confusing." She jolted a little when Pearl let out a bark of laughter.
"That sounds… fairly standard these days."
Spinel cracked a grin, and began giggling, starting to catch onto the funny side. "Golly, it really is huh?"
"Do you want to chat about it? Although I suppose if you did you would probably already have spoken to Ying about it…"
"Well um…" Spinel rubbed the back of her head. "It's… kind of about her, and it sort of only just occurred to me."
"Oh." Pearl blinked.
"...Well, not really about her." Spinel clarified. "More… A lot of stuff involving… us? It's… a lot."
Pearl nodded. "I can imagine."
Spinel hesitated, debating whether to bring it up or not, before tentatively mumbling. "...I also… can't help but think about her."
Pearl exhaled a bit, a sharp little sound that made Spinel flinch, but when she glanced up, Pearl had a sad smile on her face.
"Yes, I… I mean, I'm always thinking about her to some extent, even now." Pearl admitted, bleakly.
"Pink." Spinel huffed. "Pink, Pink, Pink. I can't get away from it huh?"
"None of us can." Pearl lowered her gaze.
"...It really hurts, huh?"
"Yeah."
For a while the two remained quiet. Spinel had to admit, she was surprised that they hadn't had this conversation before now. After all, they both had been incredibly close to Pink. Volleyball too. She'd almost broached the topic with one of them before, but had wound up chickening out.
But now…
"I'm worried that I'm gonna end up doing something hasty. Like she did."
Pearl's sad smile remained. "She… definitely tended to rush into things. But you're not her."
"Maybe not." Spinel hummed. "But I still got a part of her with me. And I… Look, gonna be real blunt here, and not tryin' to be mean, but I know you tend to look back with uh-" Spinel cringed, realizing the pun she was about to make, pressing her palm to her face. "...Rose-tinted glasses…"
Pearl blinked, then her sad smile became a real one, as she struggled to hold back a laugh. The tension in the air faded a bit, and even Spinel managed to crack a grin.
"That wasn't actually on purpose and boy it feels inappropriate to make that joke, but…" Spinel giggled a little.
Pearl shook her head. "Y-you are right though, I… I do sometimes have trouble accepting it. Even after everything. She… wasn't perfect."
"Nobody is." Spinel murmured. "I got some real complicated feelins about it all. I…" Spinel trailed off, trying to find the right words. "I think, at one point, after telling Ying about… what happened to me, and what I did, she said somethin that's been buggin me ever since."
Pearl tilted her head, a silent invitation to allow Spinel to continue.
"She said that she thought she hated Pink, after hearin' that." Spinel wrapped her arms slowly around her knees. "And it made me realize that… half of me kinda hates her too."
Pearl remained silent, eyes low. She could sense that Spinel had more to say. Despite that, however, the words clearly had struck a nerve, and her fingers twitched slightly.
"But… I was hers. I was made for her. I still… love her too, ya know?" Spinel groaned, rubbing her temples. "And now all of this going on… Meetin' Ying, falling for her, being so so happy with her… It's not at all the same, but I can't help but think about how Pink came to this planet, how she fell in love with a human… It… It makes me wonder about a lot of stuff. Like how much like her I am? How much different are we? And… And…"
Spinel went silent for a long while, before speaking, her voice tiny.
"...Did she hate herself too?"
Pearl sucked in a breath.
"...You… hate yourself?" She asked tentatively.
"...A little. Less than before." Spinel mumbled.
"Does Ying know? I mean, um, she…"
"I haven't uh, said that to her, but I think she can read me pretty well…" Spinel admitted. "She helps a lot. Helps me feel… like I'm worth somethin."
Pearl nodded slowly, considering things. "...I think she did hate herself. A lot."
"Pink?" Spinel murmured, finally meeting Pearl's gaze.
Pearl nodded again. "...Yes. She was always… She was always blaming herself for everything. Every time that she made a choice that she didn't like, she would tear her own heart out over it." Her fingers curled around her arm. "I used to get so upset knowing she kept secrets from me, but… I think she was scared that I would hate her, or be upset with her if she did tell me…"
Spinel chewed the inside of her mouth. "...She never mentioned me, right?"
Pearl's gaze turned to the horizon. "Not once. I… I am sorry, if we'd known, we wouldn't have just left you like that…"
"Not your fault. Even if I um, acted like it."
"Still…" Pearl grimaced. "It never even occurred to me. I assumed she had left you on Homeworld, not…"
"I… still don't know why. What I did wrong…" Spinel let out a long shuddery breath. "I try to remind myself that it wasn't my fault but… It's hard."
"It is." Pearl agreed softly.
The two sat in silence for a while. They both had lost Pink, in very different ways. It was something that perhaps had allowed Pearl to forgive her for nearly killing Steven as easily as she had.
The fact that Spinel wasn't even close to the first gem who had tried probably also helped.
"Steven's gonna be visiting next month, right?" Spinel asked, flitting an eye open.
"Yes. Just in time for the harvest holiday that humans have." Pearl perked up instantly.
"We'll have to introduce him to Ying." Spinel rolled her eyes. "Apparently being a gem hybrid isn't unique to him anymore."
Pearl snorted. "I'm not sure if it's the same."
"Ying has lightning powers now." Spinel gave Pearl a look.
"Alright, perhaps it is similar." Pearl sighed. "...How is she doing? She keeps putting on a brave face in classes, but I haven't had a chance to ask her outside of those…"
"She's…" Spinel smiled a little, fondly. "...She really is trying hard. I am worried, but… I dunno. Serpentine says that she's physically fine, the gem is just giving her weird… episodes. She's asleep at home right now. I know she's not supposed to be alone for too long, but I can't just smother her."
"Are you sure she'll be alright?" Pearl frowned.
"I think so." Spinel nodded firmly. "I'm going home soon, I just… needed some time."
Pearl nodded. "Of course. We all do."
"Yeah…" Spinel stood, shaking her head a little. "I um, thanks fer talkin' to me. Or letting me talk at you? Whatever. I uh, think I needed an ear that wasn't Ying. I love her, but she has enough on her plate right now."
Pearl smiled oddly, tilting her head. "...You really do care a lot about her. Take good care of her."
"Yeah." Spinel nodded firmly.
I awoke slowly, groggy and heavy, but I felt far more rested. I needed that. Sometimes, you just gotta sleep all day. I sat up and stretched, rubbing a hand across my eyes.
"Oh, yer awake…!" Before I could respond, a pair of arms quickly looped around me, and I laughed as Spinel practically tackled me into the bed.
"Geez!" I giggled, as she buried her face against me. "Miss me much? It can't have been more than a few hours."
"Yeah, but it's so weird seeing you sleep." Spinel muttered. "You might look cute like that but it's so strange how ya don't move except fer breathing…"
"Well I'm sorry that humans can't be active as often as gems are. And weren't you the one who told me to sleep in more?"
"Yeah, so?" Spinel grinned, lolling her head to one side as she shifted to let me sit up.
"Oh whatever, dork." I scoffed, smiling fondly at the gem. "I'm going to make some food; All this sleep might be nice but I gotta eat too."
"So needy." Spinel teased. "Next you'll be saying that you need more oxygen in the air, or that the gravity is too high, or that the temperature is too low."
I giggled. "Ah, you remember what I taught about things that humans need." I pushed out of bed and shuffled to the kitchen. "And to be fair, even earth's gravity is enough to cause issues eventually, heh. I could probably bump the thermostat up a degree or two though, it's kinda chilly in here."
"I would offer to snuggle up to ya, but I feel like that'd just make your cooking a pain." Spinel grinned, languidly sitting on a counter.
"It's the thought that counts…" I hummed. Fuck it. Breakfast for dinner. Time and food have no link. Scrambled eggs with melted cheese. I set the pan on the stove and picked some eggs from the fridge.
"So, how was your day?" I glanced at Spinel who shrugged.
"Well, I started off seeing your cute face, so it definitely was pretty good." She winked. "But I mean… Good? I think? I just kinda did some thinking. About stuff. I'll tell ya another time."
"Hm, okay." I nodded. Guess she wasn't ready to explain whatever that meant. Which was fine. It's her choice to share.
It might have stung a little, but I knew that was just the clingy irrational side of me talking.
Soon, the eggs were sizzling in the pan, and I rapidly stirred to get them scrambled, fetching some shredded cheese to melt into the mix. If I was feeling fancier, I'd add some spices, but for now this would do. Salt and pepper, and soon the whole mess was scooped onto a plate, warm and ready.
Spinel was staring the whole time, obviously a bit fascinated even by cooking as simple as this. I took a seat and began wolfing my meal down, while she still watched.
Even if gems had no concept of table manners, I couldn't help but feel self-conscious of my own. Still, I was finished soon enough, and didn't have to worry about it. I cleaned up, cranked the heat up a tiny bit, then swept forward and leaned right against Spinel, sighing.
"I needed today." I admitted softly. "I needed yesterday too, honestly. Two days where nothing bad happens, no appointments, no breakdowns, just being happy with you."
Spinel ran her fingers through my hair slowly. "Ain't that a feelin'?" She chuckled softly cradling me close to her.
"...Okay as much as I love clinging to you, I do need a shower today." I lightly pushed off, smiling idly at her. "We can just laze around and watch some trash TV or something…"
"Uh… Trash?"
"I have a very great affinity for trash." I giggled. "Some things are poorly made, but very charming. That's the sorta stuff I mean. You'll see."
"I guess I'll find out soon enough." She rolled her eyes with a smile. "Go clean up, then."
I made my way into my bathroom, and my eyes momentarily flitted to the drawer with the scissors in it.
I firmly turned away from the drawer towards the shower. I wasn't going to let those goddamn things control my life. Fuck you, intrusive thoughts, scissors and gem trying to give me self-destructive impulses. I was my own damn woman and I wasn't gonna let any of them control me.
I still decided maybe I shouldn't keep those scissors in here anymore. I could fix that later.
I was happy and I refused to let bad things change that. They could try, but I would fight them tooth and claw until they backed down. I gave myself a resolute nod in the mirror.
Dork.
Okay, yeah, maybe just this one time my intrusive thought was perhaps a little bit correct.
*shifty* I totally have never given myself a resolute nod in the mirror before. Mhm, nope, not once ever.
Goodnight everybody.