A/N: Remember you can always find me and see even more of my content, and see it earlier than anywhere else, over by a certain site that rhymes with Rate On, or a site known for its rather questionable questing practices, under the same name, or at the blue bird place~
The Sage of Six Paths saw the future, using his great and undefined powers, and saw that it would suck, because his children were a pair of idiots who would continue fighting until the end of time. A case of love turning to hatred, of siblings who could not agree on the most basic of things.
That said, Indra was pretty much the problem. He was kind of a dick. Hm... a dick... Yeah, that made sense. Maybe if he fudged Indra's transmigration a little... yeah, that could work.
The Sage of Six Paths saw the future, using his great and undefined powers, and he thought that, well, it's better than them fighting and bringing the world to ruin due to unresolved sexual tension and sibling rivalry.
The first time Naruto met his eternal sworn rival's older brother, said older brother was working with an organization with spiffy cloaks and an appetite for tailed beast based destruction.
But that did not matter one bit.
It was a bit strange for one of the most powerful missing ninja in the planet to show up at his bedroom, but, well, Naruto didn't even really have a moment to speak as Itachi woke him up all of a sudden.
And then placed a bouquet of flowers in one of his hands. "These are orchids, her favorite," he said, and then he put a box in Naruto's free hand, "and these are her favorite chocolates, they are flavored with several different kinds of alcohol so don't let her eat more than one at a time."
"Whu, wha, zafug," Naruto blinked. He was, fortunately, an energetic morning person, so he was quick to find himself waking up. "What the-"
"You are going to meet my sister at the foot of the Hokage monument, there will be a red and white blanket with a basket in it, it contains tested sandwiches. The tomato ones are for her, I don't know what you like so I just put a mix of everything for the other ones. Here, give this to her when your date is over," he said, passing Naruto a small box, a bit bigger than a Kunai. "They're specially treated, coated with some of the deadliest poisons known to man, and some known only to Orochimaru that I stole."
Naruto blinked. "Ok I guess?"
Itachi nodded. "Don't screw this up," he said with a thumbs up. "Promise me you won't screw it up."
"Yeah okay I guess, I promise I'll make her have a good time, happy?"
"Very," Itachi said. And then he disappeared in a murder of crows that also disappeared in a murder of tinier crows each, and then each of those became a feather.
"Well... that was weird. I wonder who I'm supposed to meet at the Hokage monument. Oh, well, I'm not about to turn down free lunch and I did promise..."
"All I'm saying is," Kisame spoke, "most brothers would not be supportive of the guy trying to bang their sister."
"My adorable, cute, amazing and brilliant little sister," Itachi corrected. "And I have scoured this world looking for a man, or woman, more worthy of her attentions, having found none, and concluding that his bloodline is acceptable, I have decided that they are to be married."
"You don't even want to know if they like each other?" Kisame asked. "That could make or break a relationship, you know."
"Observe!" Itachi said, as he gestured at the distance, where the two Genin of Konoha were competing with each other to see who could master the gravity defying act of sticking to walls faster. With speed, precision and agility that could not be replicated by anyone else except maybe a clone of himself, Itachi flicked a rock with such strength that it impacted his sister's tree hard enough to shake it, throwing his little sister off her rhythm and causing her to blast off of the tree she was running up with a discharge of chakra.
Almost automatically, Naruto, on the ground, caught her as she fell. Crotch first. On his face. Both were blushing red like a tomato after, for several minutes.
"Okay that was pretty funny," Kisame agreed. "But I still don't see it."
"My sister is shy, and taciturn, and while it normally is one of her cute charm points, it makes relationships very difficult, I am positive that she likes this boy for his determination and positive attitude."
"So?" Kisame asked. "We still gotta kill him eventually."
"I mean... do we, do we really?" Itachi asked. "It's not like Pain can actually force us to do anything we don't actually want to do. Neither of us really fears death."
"Fair enough," Kisame agreed. "But there's also that Tobi guy. He can threaten your-"
"If he tries, he dies," Itachi said. "I will reach across time and space and castrate his dad before he's born if I must, then fuck his mom."
"That's a bit extreme," Kisame said. "But I'm into it."
"Is spying on your little sister having sex a fetish for you now?"
Itachi shushed him. "I must check to make sure the cursed seal Orochimaru placed upon her is not exherting undue influence."
Meanwhile, a gray skinned, purple haired and entirely naked image that vaguely resembled Itachi's sister was bouncing her hips on Naruto's penis, the nasty sound of her gushing pussy sloshing with their combined fluids almost drowning out the slap of skin on skin. A pair of wings flapped on her back.
"I'm pretty sure she's like, totally possessed right now."
Itachi shook his head. "Uninhibited, yes, but I'm pretty sure Orochimaru doesn't know what genitals are for, so still safe there."
Meanwhile, the two genin of Konoha continued copulating away, with no care in the world, as their pink haired teammate stood guard outside the cave they were holed up in, that Itachi could only observe through a Sharingan technique he came up with on the spot.
"Interesting. It appears that he is outlasting- and yep, there it is, the seal ran out of energy and she's back to normal," Itachi said, nodding and stroking his chin. Absent mindedly, he threw a kunai that decapitated a ninja trying to sneak on the pink haired girl. Nobody would interrupt his little sister's first time.
The two genin continued fucking in the cave, even as Naruto proved to have the vastly superior stamina, still standing even as his teammate rolled off of him and admitted defeat. She spread her legs and her arms, and Naruto went on top for round two, their lips meeting in a kiss as he began fucking her in a mating press. For the next four hours, the pink haired girl would pretend not to hear her teammates fucking, as she stood guard.
Jiraiya was planning to interrupt Naruto's training with Ebisu, via triggering an encounter where he'd show off his power to the boy and make him beg for training...
But then an S rank missing ninja showed up and he was the only person in Konoha who stood a chance in hell of actually not dying horribly against Itachi, and he was led out of the village just in time.
Itachi salvaged the situation, and his clone popped after being chased for hours by Jiraiya. By the time the old pervert made it back, Naruto had actually begun seeing progress with Ebisu, and was entirely too happy with how much the special jounin instructor was helping him improve to switch to an old pervert that made a bad first impression.
Leading Kakashi away was much easier. Itachi could actually just punk him out like a bitch the moment his sister was out of view, then disguise himself as Kakashi and then lead her through special, Sharingan based training, instead of Kakashi's specific training to increase her speed. There was just no way his sister would survive going in melee against the raccoon's host, that was suicidal. Instead, Itachi taught her the tried and true method for victory of the Uchiha.
Just trust that your eye will have some sort of nonsensical, idiotic ability that will save the day, no matter how dire it might seem at first glance. It worked for Itachi himself, after all.
Failing that just put on a good showing and yield before getting hurt. The judges liked that, and would look on it favorably, especially if you force out your opponent's super techniques while holding back yours, or expose a weakness for your leaf allies to use.
"Sorry but my sister has a date planned after this," Itachi said, as he stepped in the duel between the Third Hokage and Orochimaru, "and I doubt her boyfriend would be up for it if he was grieving," he said. "So disappear, or die, your choice," he said to Orochimaru.
The snake man opened his mouth and then burst into black flame.
"You chose death," Itachi said. Then he turned to the third Hokage. "Lord Third, as you were."
"Right..."
And then Itachi disappeared into a murder of crows, which disappeared into tinier crows, which disappeared into feathers.
Hidden in the bushes, Itachi, Kisame and Obito, pretending to be a guy named Tobi, pretending to be a guy named Madara, pretending to be a guy named Tobi, observed the events before them.
"Sensei's kid's so grown up," Obito remarked.
"My little sister is more grown up," Itachi answered.
"I've gotta side with the weirdo here, your sister ain't got no tits man."
"Svelte is justice," Itachi countered.
"We're literal criminals," Obito remarked.
"Criminals for great justice," Itachi countered again.
"Alright fair," Obito agreed.
"Damn, they've been going at it for hours, I'm impressed," Kisame said. "Should we... you know... give them some privacy?"
Itachi turned to him. "My little sister has never looked happier than she looks now being gangbanged by her boyfriend and his clones. I am saving the memories of her happy face for our inevitable duel where she will slay me and replace her eyes with mine so as to counteract the effects of the insanity and blindness inducing Mangekyo Sharingan."
"Have you considered just... swapping both sets of eyes with each other?" Kisame asked.
Obito opened his mouth to protest, but then... "Actually I think that might work. Nobody has to die or go blind. Does your sister have a Mangekyo?"
"It's trauma locked, but yes," Itachi said. "I made sure to unlock it for her with Tsukuyomi."
"You locked your sister in a Tsukuyomi!?" Kisame asked.
"Dude that's fucked up!" Obito replied.
"Don't talk to your retroactive father like that, boy! Besides, it's cool, I only made her have a bad dream of killing me and then I spent every other iteration doing all the stuff I wish I could've done with her but was always too busy for."
"You can do that?!" Obito asked, shocked.
"Dude, we're Uchiha, the only thing we can't do is stuff we haven't tried yet."
Obito frowned. "And bring people back to life," he grumbled.
"I'm... pretty sure we can do that. Or at least Pain can. He once accidentally killed a guy and brought him back to life, no worse for wear. Guy even raved about the revelation from god he received."
"Fucking-" Obito disappeared, then.
Itachi passed away, peacefully.
Not from some unexplained disease or anything of the sort.
He just died of cuteness when his first nephew responded to a forehead poke by grabbing at his finger. The most feared criminal ninja hailing from Konoha just melted as his baby nephew played with his finger.
Unfortunately, his job was not yet done, for there was still an enemy plotting his little sister's downfall, so he came back to life through Sharingan reasons and then stomped into the Hokage's office. "I require your job," he said, pointing at the third.
"Fuck it, you have it," the third replied, throwing his robes away and revealing a hawaiian shirt below them. He passed the hat to Itachi, and replaced it with a wide brimmed straw hat.
"What the hell, man, he's literally a criminal! He's still wearing his slashed forehead protector!" Danzo protested.
"Yeah, well, that's like, your opinion man," the third said, puffing out the smoke from his pipe. "Alright new Hokage, what's the first order of business?"
"First, I declare that Danzo is now illegal."
"The fuck!"
And so, everybody lived happily ever after.
Except the aliens, who died offscreen, and the guy on the moon, who also died offscreen. An older brother's work is never over.