Chapter 5:

A Guilty Soul

Sasuke wished he could just leave whenever he wanted, but given his condition, he had to wait until the Hokage's Office finished the stack of paperwork that would allow him to travel without trouble. He wished he had not stayed this long in Konoha, increasing his hopes for something impossible. He wished he had held his tongue that night, wished he had stopped reading Naruto's letters as soon as he started writing about the Hyuuga girl. And he wished, more than anything, to be able to stop wondering what Naruto would have told him if they had had the opportunity to talk.

Sasuke already knew the general answer. Sakura and Hinata Hyuuga, the precautions Kakashi and Shikamaru had taken, and Tsunade's concern had answered his question. But he would have liked to find out from the dobe himself. He deserved the feeling, though, considering he had dared to ask for something so good. Even after hurting him in every possible way, Naruto fought tooth and nail to set him free, received him with a smile every time he returned, never tried to stop him when he informed him he was not ready to stay. Yet, Sasuke had dared to ask for more.

He sighed wearily and held tightly to the sink in front of him. He would gain nothing by overthinking, he knew what he had to do, and he better did it before Naruto came back. It would hurt Naruto to leave like that, but it would still cause less damage than the alternative. He wouldn't be leaving for good, just long enough for Naruto to forget about what had happened, long enough for himself to ditch his hopes away. It didn't matter he didn't know how long it would take.

Sasuke stared at himself in the mirror, trying to drill into his mind the fact that he was doing what was best for everyone. He breathed again, before releasing his grip on the sink and securing his travelling cloak around his shoulders. Then, he crossed his empty apartment, closed the door and directed his steps towards the Hokage Tower.

"Naruto's return is due tomorrow," Kakashi commented as he read Sasuke's travelling plan.

"I know."

Kakashi raised his gaze from the scroll and studied him thoroughly, almost the way he had done the first time they met. "He will be expecting to find you here."

Sasuke felt his mouth go dry but managed to respond. "If I stay any longer, I'll lose the trail."

Kakashi held his stare a while longer, then closed his eyes and gave a weary sigh. "I guess I can't handle you now that you are adults," he said before stamping the approved seal on Sasuke's itinerary and handing him his pass out of Konoha.

"If it makes you feel better," Sasuke said as he tucked the documents inside his cloak, "you weren't able to handle us back then either."

"A teacher that can't even stop his students from hurting each other." Kakashi cocked his head to the side. "It makes me wonder how they could entrust the village to me."

Sasuke felt an unusual pang of guilt at Kakashi's comment. He had not meant his words that way.

"This is the best for everyone."

Kakashi crossed his fingers in front of his face. "Some of the worst things in the history of this village were done claiming the best intentions."

Sasuke grimaced; that had been a low blow. He made a great effort to control himself because if he gave the ANBU the slightest hint of threatening Kakashi, they would throw him into a cell and delay his departure, which was probably Kakashi's objective.

"I will take full responsibility for my actions," he said instead. "May I take my leave now, Hokage-sama?"

Kakashi held his stare, impassive, during a full minute, before sighing in defeat. "You are dismissed."

Sasuke considered, albeit for an instant, telling Sakura about his decision and departure. It was a courtesy he supposed she deserved, but he talked himself against it when he considered the possibility of ending on a hospital bed, forced into a situation he didn't want to face. It would be better for him to leave silently and apologize when he next got the opportunity. Business as usual.

He did stop by Naruto's place one last time, maybe because he was a masochist, but mainly to take care of Naruto's plants. He didn't want to add to Naruto's pain by carelessly ruining his garden.

Sasuke opened the door quite hastily; the less it took him to finish his task, the better. He tried to focus on the simple steps written on Naruto's list, watering the flower pots that had gone dry, adding fertilizer, and stripping off the withering leaves. He took special care of the sunflower, which he only identified as such thanks to the sign attached to the pot. At the moment it was nothing more than a green seedling that Sasuke could have easily mistaken for any other green plant, but it was supposed to grow into a strong, bright-yellow bloom. Very fitting as Naruto's favourite. Sasuke didn't want to know how he had come to remember something like that. Instead, he hurried to return the gardening tools to their place, practically running towards the genkan. He closed the door and dropped the spare key into the mailbox.

There was no looking back or parting note left behind. Naruto wouldn't even know Sasuke had been there.