Jace went to the restroom to clean up and dispose of the condom. He couldn't have been gone more than two minutes, but when he returned with a wet cloth for Clary, he found her already curled on her side fast asleep. He wasn't sure what to do. He was sure she'd be more comfortable in the morning if she cleaned up, and he had no idea what time she needed to be home for Gran or if she had an alarm set, but she just looked so peaceful, he couldn't bring himself to wake her. He figured Gran would call if she woke up and got worried, and he never slept too late. Hoping he wasn't making the wrong decision, he scooted onto the mattress behind Clary and took her in his arms.
It was only about two hours later when Jace awoke with a rather urgent need to use the restroom. He internally cursed himself for all the birthday drinks he'd consumed. It was kind of hard to say no when people kept buying them for you, but now that it meant trying to extract himself from his bed and possibly disturbing his sleeping redhead he wished he'd drank a lot less. Moving very slowly and carefully, he managed to leave Clary sleeping peacefully.
Thankfully, this hotel was one that had a sink both outside the small restroom and inside the closed off area where the toilet and shower were, so he was able to wash his hands without disturbing her as well.
It wasn't until he was about to climb back onto the bed that Jace realized something was not right. He could see by the small amount of light let in by the gap in the curtains that Clary's eyes were still closed, but she was moving her head side to side and letting out small whimpering noises. He reached out to wake her and reassure her she was just having a bad dream, but as soon as his hand made contact with her arm she flinched back and said, "no, Mama, no," in such a small pleading voice that it just about broke Jace's heart.
"Clary," Jace said, reaching to gently shake her. "Clary, it's just a dream. Wake up, love."
Clary sat bolt upright and clutched her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself as if she was trying to hold herself together.
"Clary?" Jace asked, slowly moving to take her into his arms. He noticed she was shaking violently. "Clary, it was just a dream. You were having a nightmare," he told her soothingly.
Jace felt a tear splash onto his arm and he hugged her tighter. "A nightmare, yes," Clary said shakily, "but a memory, not a dream."
They were silent for a while as Jace held her until she finally stopped shaking in his arms. Then he drew back and gently rubbed her arms, where he could feel goose bumps had formed.
"Are you cold?" Jace was moving to turn up the heater as he asked, but he stopped when she shook her head no. "Do you want to talk about it?" Jace asked.
Clary shrugged, still keeping her knees up to her chest where her chin now rested on them. He could see the tears were still freely flowing down her cheeks, but she wasn't making any sounds.
"I don't understand something," said Jace. Clary just looked at him, so he continued. "If it's a memory about your mom, it had to be from before you turned four, right?" Clary nodded. "Simon said something tonight about you not saying the m sound until school, but when you were dreaming, you said mama." Jace drifted off and Clary just watched him as she chewed the left side of her bottom lip.
"He told you that?" she finally asked in a small voice.
"Yes," Jace said. He was still watching Clary, but her face told him nothing. The tears had stopped and just like last time she'd cried, her face already showed no trace of it. He wondered how she could conceal it so easily. He'd never seen anybody who's walls went up so fast before.
"Did he tell you why?" she finally asked.
"No," Jace admitted. "He said I should ask you if I wanted to know, but that you might not want to talk about it."
Clary sighed. "Let me go use the restroom and clean up. We can talk about it when I get back. It's not like I'll be sleeping anymore tonight."
Jace just nodded. He wanted to argue that she'd hardly slept at all, but he knew when he had one of the dreams that haunted him from his childhood, he couldn't go back to sleep either. He also knew he didn't like to stay in the dark after them, so he reached over and turned on a lamp in case Clary felt the same way.
When Clary came back she seemed her usual cheerful self. She even smiled when she apologized for waking him.
"You didn't wake me," Jace assured her. "I should actually be apologizing to you. If I hadn't gotten up to use the restroom I probably would have noticed something was wrong right away and been able to wake you sooner. I'm sorry I wasn't here when you needed me."
"That's silly," Clary said matter of factly. "I can't expect you to be around every time I have a nightmare. It is interesting that I didn't have any while you were here though," Clary mused. "I slept really well last time you stayed with me too," she added.
"Is sleeping well abnormal for you?" Jace asked. Clary had drifted off toward the end of her sentence and was gazing at him thoughtfully.
"Yeah. The night you stayed with me was actually the first night I haven't had one of those dreams since Gramps died," Clary paused for a minute and shook her head as if to clear it, then continued. "I had them for a few years when I first started living with my grandparents. At some point I guess I realized they would keep me safe because I got to where I would only have them a few times a year. Then my mom came back around when I was a teenager. I didn't see her, but I heard her voice. The dreams came back for a few months. Then not again 'til Gramps died." Clary shrugged again. "It doesn't really matter. They're just a fact of life. Everything happened such a long time ago. You'd think I'd be over it by now."
"There are some things we don't just get over," Jace told her. "Have you ever seen a therapist?"
"For something that happened when I was three?" Clary asked incredulously. "No. You must think I'm pretty crazy still letting something from that long ago bother me, huh?" Clary said, trying to laugh off her discomfort.
"Not at all," Jace said. "Things from my childhood still bother me once in a while and I went to therapy for a long time for them. Do you think that makes me crazy?" he asked levely, trying to make a point.
"Of course not!" Clary said, horrified. "I'm sure whatever you went through was probably much worse than mine though," she insisted. "For whatever reason I just can't seem to get over it. I mean, I don't really think about it when I'm awake anymore, but I can't seem to stop the memories from coming back when I'm sleeping."
"Our subconscious has a way of making us deal with things we're too stubborn to deal with when we're awake," Jace told her, "and the first thing I learned in therapy is that you can't compare your trauma to anyone else's. Whatever feelings you have about what happened to you are valid, no matter what happened to someone else. It really does help to talk about it though. I understand if you don't trust me that much yet, but if you want to talk, I'm here."
"I trust you," Clary assured him. "It's just hard for me to talk about. The only person I've ever told before is Si. Gran and Gramps used to wake me up when I'd scream at night so I'm sure they knew bad things had happened to me, but I'm not sure if I could have explained back then. I was so young. Then by the time I could have explained I didn't want them to worry any more than they already did. I was already in school before I finally stopped myself from crying out and waking them. I think they thought the dreams went away. That's better anyway, so they didn't worry."
"The thing is, even though I got to where I wouldn't scream, I never could get to where I made no noise at all. Gran said it was good to give parents some time alone once in a while so sometimes Si would stay with us when his sister had plans with her friends, and sometimes I'd stay at his house. Since I always had the dreams away from home it would wake him up. He got scared the first time and wanted to get his mom but I begged him not to. I told him I knew why I had them and he said if I told him he wouldn't wake his mom, so I did. It was easier having him know. He would stick up for me at school when the kids teased me about the words I didn't say."
"I guess that still doesn't really tell you anything," Clary sighed. She seemed like she was willing herself to talk about whatever it was that haunted her so much. Jace wished he could just make her forget, but he knew she'd feel better if she got it out, so he just sat and held her hand reassuringly.
Finally she continued. "My mom never wanted kids. She was in her forties when I was born, so she thought she was past the days when she needed to worry about birth control. I didn't know any of this then of course, but I've heard bits and pieces of things through the years and I've put two and two together. Anyway, she never wanted to be a mom, so when I started calling her Mama it would make her so angry." Jace noticed Clary shiver slightly when she said the word. He gripped her hand tighter. "That's usually the first word babies say, so I'm sure I don't remember the first time I said it, but I remember enough times. Every time I'd say," she paused, seeming to struggle before she said, "that word," then swallowed and looked ashamed for not being able to bring herself to use the actual word again. Squaring her shoulders, she went on. "Every time I'd say that word she would cause me some kind of pain, to make sure I wouldn't say it again. I guess I was kind of like Pavlov's dog in that old science experiment. Even when the dog didn't get steak after they rang the bell his mouth would still water, and even when she wasn't around to beat me I still expected to get hit when I said anything with an m in it." She shrugged again. "It's stupid. I know she's not going to just pop up, but I still can't call Si anything longer because I don't want his name to be associated with something like that for me."
Clary said all of this in such a small voice it made Jace's heart hurt. He just wished he could kiss all of her pain away. He wanted to be here for the 21 year old woman who was in front of him now, but he also wished he could comfort the little girl who had gone through such terrible things so many years ago.
"Nothing about you is stupid," Jace finally said when he figured she wasn't going to say anything else. "I'm liable to kill your mom if I ever meet her, but I'd never think less of you because of all that. You know, when I stayed with Gran in the hospital she said something I thought was really strange. She said your middle name was 'the only good thing that woman' ever gave you. I thought it was weird because that woman would have been her daughter, but now I understand. I wouldn't want to admit to having raised such a horrible person either."
"It's not Gran's fault!" Clary said quickly, with more volume and conviction than she'd said anything all night.
"Of course not!" Jace said. "I didn't mean that. It's just that I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who would do that to an innocent little girl either. You were just a baby."
"Yeah," Clary agreed. "It's not my fault I was born. I try to remember she's an addict. I don't think she was like that before she did drugs. It's easier to forgive her that way. I don't feel angry toward her anymore, but I do wish I didn't have the dreams. Especially when they bother other people. I'm sorry for keeping you up, Jace. I should probably head home anyway."
"You could never bother me," Jace said, tenderly brushing a stray curl off her forehead. "If it provides even just the smallest bit of relief for you, I would be happy to spend the rest of my life listening to you." The words were out before Jace even realized what he was saying. He wasn't sure if his face showed the shock he was feeling, but Clary sat up on her knees and gave him the softest kiss he'd ever felt.
"Thank you Jace," she said, with a sweet little smile. "Should I pick you up for service tomorrow, or would you like to meet at my place?"