NOTE: Sorry for the long hiatus from posting. I really didn't intend for that to happen. My grandfather passed away, and not only was I dealing with that emotionally, but there has been a lot going on as a result in my life. Aside from that, I had a vacation and a birthday in there as well. Thank you in advance for coming back if you're still reading along; I promise I'm going to try to refocus and post more frequently until this fic is completed.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
"Alright, now you have a big bowl of meat and rice. Enough to choke a camel. Let's hear it."
"Hear what?" Rise asked airily as she picked at the bowl, as if she hadn't a care in the world. Of course this was mostly a bit of revenge; she wanted her to have to sweat for a moment. Just because she still loved Ai didn't mean she wasn't above a little light-hearted torture between friends.
"You're so smart, you know everything. Tell me why you think I was blackmailing you into outing me."
"Why should I? You've been pretty terrible to me. I mean, I know you had 'reasons', but like… I apologised for those. And you could tell me, since I mean… okay, Ebi-chan. Do you want to really get real?"
The teen queen rolled her eyes. "Go ahead. There doesn't seem to be any stopping you."
"Alright. I think this is childish and dumb. Can't we just talk about this and work through it? Wouldn't that be healthier?"
"Oh, I agree. Problem is, you didn't talk to me — you blabbed to all your friends. I don't know why I have to keep reminding you about that. Yeah, you apologised, but this is a lot bigger than 'I accidentally told the whole school you peed your pants.' This isn't just embarrassing, this isn't just a shitty rumour. Are you with me? Are you getting why this is-"
"YES!" she interrupted. When Ai looked extremely offended, she held up both hands, chopsticks in one of them. "Sorry. I just… I know you really think I don't get it. That's coming in loud and clear, but can you like, hear me when I say I do now?"
"Sorry, no. You broke my trust and now you have to fix it, girl."
"Alright." Then she sat up a little straighter and looked at her. "Wait…"
"What?" Ai's lips thinned and she went completely rigid, hand moving up to her cheek. "Do I… there's something on my face. Right?"
"No. You just admitted I can fix it. That means this whole thing… you're putting on a front, right? Just trying to make me really apologise for messing up so bad. So there's hope!"
"Hey, NO! That is not what this means, you can't-"
"Noooo, nope, no take-backs! HAH!" She even hopped up and down in her seat, pointing at Ai as the other girl grimaced. "I got you, I got you, you do still like me! You can't hide it anymore!"
"SHUT UP! Jesus Christ, I can't even be mad and you actually believe me; what is this victim-denial bullshi-" But she couldn't even finish the words, because Rise was sweeping her into a crushing hug. "Get OFF, you leech!"
"I'm so happy!" she whispered.
And the table was quiet for a minute. Both of them sort of suddenly realised words weren't adequate to address the romantic corner they had painted themselves into.
"God. You're ruining everything."
"I know, I know. But I'm too cute for you to stay mad at forever."
"Wrong. That would work on a dumb boy, but not on me."
Rise just relaxed against her for a moment, even though the relaxation component felt like it was getting smaller and smaller. Still too much tension. Then she threw her trump card away completely. "You want me to out you… because it'll prove you right. That I'm a bad friend, and a jerk, and I can't be trusted. Then you can feel better about cutting me outta your life forever; less guilty."
No response. When almost a minute passed, Rise finally drew away to pick at her food because she couldn't stand the waiting. Neither could she look at Ai. Maybe this was too big; maybe they had just hurt each other too much, even though it was just a series of accidents and retaliations over accidents. She was beginning to feel sick, and guilty that she was probably not going to be able to finish her food…
"Do you feel smart now or something?"
Her chopsticks clattered to the table. "Huh?"
"For figuring it out." Ai's voice was so low and quiet; it could have been anger, it could have been sadness. "But I don't get how you can be smart enough to know that, and too stupid to know to keep your mouth shut about my… situation."
Rise almost fired up again, since Ai was worse than a dog with a bone, but somehow managed to throttle it down. "Because I'm new to this. And I think you would see that if you weren't so… mad. I get why you are, a lot better now, but if you're gonna hate me for making a mistake forever… I can't do that. I really will walk out of your life. Is it worth it to you to hold that grudge?"
"Maybe. I do love holding grudges against people who hurt me. It's so much fun normally."
"But I didn't. I just made a mistake, and the mistake hurt you. I tried to cover it, and I made another one, and… and I'm just gonna keep making them because I'm human, Ebi-chan. So are you. I just can't keep letting you make me feel like a criminal."
"And I can't be in a relationship with someone who's so careless with my secret. That's a big part of who I am, and it's something that could get me killed if the wrong person decides I'm an easy target for their hatred, to purge their fragile little emasculated feelings." Ai sighed. "Fuck."
"What?"
"I'm going to have to forgive you. Because even as I'm saying this, I hear it — that I'm beating a dead horse." When Rise started to look hopeful, she scowled and pointed at her face. "Listen good, bitch. This isn't a free pass; you hurt me, and I can't trust you anymore. But… like you said, I'm giving you the chance to start repairing the trust. You better not squander it."
That very solid warning did keep Rise from gasping in delight and throwing her arms around her again. The gravity of the situation tempered her joy very effectively. But she still reached down and took up Ai's hands, holding them tightly as she leaned closer.
"I'll be your best friend. Okay? We… can act like we're together in front of an audience, and then just… try to chill, a-and go back to buddies when we're alone. I'm taking 'dating' off the table so you don't, um… so you don't feel like…"
"So I haven't completely let you off the hook?" Ai guessed. When Rise nodded, she snorted and looked away. "Dumb. And the best option we have, I think, since…" Rise just nudged her to continue. "Since you're right. I do miss you and I hate all the fighting, and I'm over it. I just need this probationary period to figure out if I can ever trust you again."
Rise felt like she was soaring through the clouds, even though clearly Ai looked like she was suffering a crippling defeat. It was unfortunate things ended up this way but wallowing in misery about it would change nothing. "Thank you. I'm… I know it's hard, it's hard for me to admit I screwed up as bad as I did. And I'll never know how you felt! But I'm starting to get it, and… and I'm really glad you'll let me have more time to do better. Because I'm gonna prove you didn't mess up by giving that trust to me. Bet on it."
"Good. Now eat your stupid beef so we can get out of here, I'm not hungry at all."
"Neither am I, now. Can… we take it back to your place, and just relax? Or try to?"
"Ugh."
"We're going to have more of an audience the longer we stay."
That much was definitely true. Already, there were a few students eyeing them curiously, trying to be inconspicuous and failing spectacularly. Rise definitely wondered if they had been witness to their entire fight, and what they thought about it. But they were sitting far enough away that they couldn't possibly have heard any details; that served as a small relief.
"Yeah, let's go. I'm not a fucking trained monkey."
"Never said you were," she said delicately as they started to stand from the table, flagging down Aika to box up the rest of the food. But her dimples were showing from the sheer force of her giant smile. All hope was not lost and that was enough for now.
~ o ~
The walk back was pleasant, and the frost had finally been shaken off their relationship now that they had done most of the hard work. They could catch up on some of the small things they had missed in each other's lives while they weren't talking. Furthermore, since being under the microscope of the entire Yasogami student body made it impossible to put distance between them, a little additional warmth came along for the ride — and Rise couldn't be any happier for it if she tried. This was exactly what she had been hoping for, even if it came in such a roundabout way.
"So you really impressed me with that little trick."
Ai looked over from where she was changing out her city pop CDs. Chisato Moritaka had been really upbeat and fun, but Rise had requested something a little more mellow. "Which trick is that?"
"The tucking thing. That's what you called it, right?" She laughed as she leaned back against Ai's western-style bed, having elected to sit on the floor instead of being presumptuous about sitting on the bed itself. "Not that I saw the tucking part, just the mysterious missing penis, but that's still pretty cool you can do that. Totally faked out those girls, and me — and I guess you could do that with a boy too, if they tried to do something."
"Exactly," she told her with a smug smirk. "Never underestimate the power of a motivated trans girl. You did, and you had to face the consequences, bitch."
Rolling her eyes a little, Rise moved her stocking feet from side to side, trying in vain to touch her big toes together even though her legs were spaced too far apart for it to be possible. Just an idle exercise. "I did not — I don't even know enough about that stuff to understand how to underestimate somebody who's like you."
"Uh huh." The room was quiet for a moment, other than the gentle sounds of Taeko Ohnuki now floating out of her newly-acquired stereo; apparently, Rise's comment about Ai using her Joystation had gotten to her, innocent as it was. "You want a demonstration?"
"Of your power? What, are you gonna charge up your chi and blast a hole in the moon?"
Ai giggled as she sat on the bed. At least she could laugh around her again. "No, the tucking thing."
"Huh? Oh…" Shrugging, she turned a little bit more in her direction. "Yeah, I guess. I don't know how that's gonna do more than last time though, I mean… wait, are you flashing me again?!"
"No, you dumbass! I mean, yes, but you won't see anything; that's the whole point. But hang on."
No other situation had felt more awkward. Rise found herself gawking as Ai reached under her skirt to fiddle for a moment, and she turned her head out of instinct. What was happening?! But after a second, she heard, "Okay, there it is. Do you wanna like, be flashed, or inspect for yourself?"
"I- I don't think I sh- I'm not gonna do that!" Rise hissed. "Isn't that, um, indecent?"
"Not if I'm saying 'hey, inspect me'."
"Well… I… can't argue with that." So she cleared her throat and stood on her knees, walking over to her that way so the target remained at eye level. "I'm gonna inspect really good. You're sure that's cool?'
"Yep. Do whatever you want. I mean, not too crazy; I'm sure you'll figure out where the line is, you're pretty smart."
That compliment helped soothe her nerves slightly. It was wonderful to hear Ai say something nice about her again. So Rise reached up and lifted the skirt, seeing Ai's pale pink panties in place as was normal. "Wow… I mean, yeah, there's supposed to be a dick here and there isn't right now. Are you sure you weren't just pulling a big prank on everybody?"
"Is that your way of asking me to show you?" When Rise only started to flush a deeper red, Ai smirked. "Didn't think so. You're so soft."
"Uh! I am NOT, I'm just not the slut you think I am!"
"Hey, I never said you were. Well… not since I got to know you." They exchanged a smile. "But yeah, there it is; you can see how I got away with it."
"Okay, hang on then; I'm not done." She started to peel her panties down, casting an occasional glance up at Ai's face; making sure this wasn't too far. Though she did look a little less smug and bemused, more serious, she wasn't trying to stop her and there was no fear in her features. So…
The same soft skin, the same little mole near her hip… same perfectly-trimmed landing strip. Rise treated her own pubic region similarly; she knew nobody would be visiting down there, but it just felt nicer to take care of the landscaping now that it was necessary for her to do so. She smiled and passed a finger over the hairs, and saw their owner shivered in response.
No prominent male organ was visible. Not that she could see. Upon closer inspection, there did seem to be some slight folding in the skin just where it disappeared between her thighs, but it wasn't too out of the ordinary.
"Okay, I guess now I'm done. Like…" Rise cleared her throat, her pulse was racing in her throat. Mostly because at this proximity, she could catch a very slight hint of some kind of musk and it was beginning to get to her; the scent was so vague she could almost convince herself she was imagining it, but she also knew that was a lot less likely than that she was being hit by Ai's pheromones. "Like, um…"
"Like what?" Ai asked warily, even though she was clearly trying to keep calm. She wanted to trust Rise, and was — provisionally. However, clearly they were both being affected by their positioning.
"Like, I could… put my finger in there… and probably find more, or… b-but this is all you would have to do for those girls, or for some dumb creep who's attacking you — like how you flashed me at school. So I don't need to do that."
"I wouldn't stop you."
Interesting. Rise felt like she couldn't breathe suddenly, but she tried to tell herself that this was just Ai joking around, or trying to provoke a reaction. Goading her, teasing her, like she always was. What if she just… did it? What if she poked her finger between her thighs there and found out for sure?
Or she could try something else. Something she wanted to do a lot more. She leaned forward…
"Oh," Ai breathed when she felt the lips pushing into her skin through the strip of well-trimmed hairs. So very close but not exploring further. "Rise…?"
"Sorry," she breathed as she sat back on her legs, hoping her face wasn't glowing like the sun as she smiled up at her. "I just… I wanted to do something nice for what you have down here. Whatever it is. A-and it was probably super weird, and I'm sorry, but like, I've been accidentally a bitch. You know I didn't mean to now — at least, I think you do. I hope. But I can still try to make you feel a little better."
Another little sigh fell from Ai as she looked down at Rise. "Dumb bitch." But she raised a hand to caress over her hair, tender and affectionate. Maybe they really had mostly fixed their friendship, even if everything else was awkward.
Then she noticed Ai was squirming. "Oh, um… sorry, I guess you want me to get my face out of your business."
"Well… more like, your face being in my business is making me feel things. But you're fine, it's just, uh, a side effect. I'll live."
"Feel what kind of things?" But Ai didn't answer; just squirmed. So she decided to see if the direct contact had been the culprit by kissing her again. That shiver confirmed her hypothesis. God, she had missed being able to kiss Ai; even though this wasn't on the lips, and it technically hadn't even been that long since the last time… she had missed it so damn much. Scary. "Good things, right?"
"Yeah… m-maybe." When she kissed again, the taller girl blustered, "Come on, you can't want to do that, it probably smells weird and tastes weird. Down there. N-not that I'd have any way of knowing."
"What? I just wanna be close to you, and… and you like this. Maybe?"
"I do not! Or, well, I… it's more like… you don't have to, we're all good now. I promise."
Rise stuck out her tongue briefly and said, "Never said I had to." Then she glanced down again. "Although… I know you explained it, but I'm still not really sure what you're doing. Like, where does it go?"
"Huh?"
"Your thing. Like, is it in your butt now?"
"Oh my GOD," she burst out, covering her face with her palm. "What kind of RPG do you think this is?! No, my dick doesn't magically get sucked into my ass!"
"Well, I mean, I can't see it! So if you swear you have one, then it had to go somewhere!"
"You keep saying you don't want me to show you, but then act like I have to show you," Ai snorted with a shake of her head.
"No! Well, yeah, you're right, I am doing that… I'm sorry, I'm just really curious! I'll shut up."
Which she did. However, Ai was clearly having nearly as bad a crisis of faith; or at least, it was different but equally excruciating. Her eyes were a little sad when she whispered, "Do you promise?"
"To shut up? Definitely."
"No, no, I meant… if I show you, will you still see me… as a woman?"
"Ai-"
"No, you have to. If you screw me in this department again, I swear it's really over; I can't start being misgendered everywhere I go, friends treating me like a freak, having to change schools. You know the score now, and you are at the very top of that list of what's important to me. So… if you can promise you won't start calling me a boy again, o-or-"
Rise felt her heart sinking. Even before now, even after all they had been through and all she had learned, she was hit with the sudden realisation that she had not quite understood how deeply important her female identity was to Ai. But that stark fear of losing it, readily apparent in her features? That completed the puzzle and laid it all bare.
"Ebi-chan… you're an amazing girl," she told her again, her smile as warm as it was defiant. She was more defying her own expectations, and the world around them, but she felt stronger, more sure of herself. "And you're going to be an amazing woman. And I just hope I'm there to see it happen, and I haven't messed up so bad I'm cut out of your life. But either way? You don't need me to tell you how badass you are."
That clearly meant the world to Ai. The anxiety didn't vanish, but it faded by a significant amount as she smiled down at her friend. "You always know what to say. Annoying. But… thank you again." Then she cleared her throat. "I can handle it for a second. But all you get is a second, and then I'm covering it, a-and that's it. Do you get me? Promise you get me, right now!"
"I promise!" she yelped, not even sure what she was promising. Mostly, she was just terrified of disappointing her and turning out to be a shitty friend yet again, so she couldn't waste time.
And then it was happening. Fast. Ai suddenly took a wide step to the side, and something was swinging up at her — and she slammed her eyes shut, flashing out with her hand defensively. "OHMYGOD!"
"OW! RISE!"
"What?! I- you have a DICK!"
"Yeah, I know I have one! YOU didn't know that, and I'm trying to show you so you're not- you didn't have to SMACK IT!"
"BUT I NEVER HAD A DICK SWING AT ME LIKE IT'S GONNA PUNCH ME IN THE FOREHEAD!"
The growl was so exasperated that Rise almost looked up at her just to see if she was mad. Almost. "Well, just… it's not swinging now! So look for a second, then touch it — nicely, and then I can put this stupid thing away! GOD!"
"Okay, FINE! Wow, you're so mean!"
The thing was, now that it wasn't moving at speed, Rise found she wasn't nearly as weirded out when she slit one eye open. Ai Ebihara… did indeed own what she assumed was a pretty average example of a penis. She didn't know if it was supposed to stick straight out like that, or if its size and shape was normal; this whole experience was just very strange, because she had never been in this position before. Well, that wasn't technically true, but the last time had only been an even more brief glimpse before security hauled the deranged fan away. And she wasn't on her knees that time, looking it in the eye.
Right; now she had to touch it — also unlike last time. Ai would have let her refuse if she said she wasn't comfortable, she knew that, but she also knew the whole point was to prove once and for all that this was reality, not some pack of lies. Besides, her own curiosity wouldn't let her back down. So she reached forward and pressed her fingertip into the top of the pale shaft.
Two things became immediately apparent. First, that it was warmer and softer than she had been expecting, even though she wasn't sure why she expected otherwise in the first place. Second…
"Hmmhhh."
…Ai liked having it touched. At least, that was what that little moan told her. Her finger began to slide up and down over the smooth skin-
"O-okay, that's enough!" Ai took a long step backward, hastily rearranging her skirt and underwear to cover herself. "Right. Well, I mean, I don't know if that was thrilling for you or what, but um… at least you know it's real now. So… so good."
Rise frowned as she struggled to her feet. "Hey, I believed you before. I mean, I have since the karaoke, anyway; like, I know I was kinda dumb about it there… but I knew you wouldn't be this serious about it just to mess with me."
"Oh. Well, alright, then."
"Wow, I can't believe you really are a b-uh…" Right; that was a big thing she had just promised. "You really were born a boy. Right? Is- if I say that, is it still bad? I'm trying to figure out how to say you have a dick without it sounding, um, vulgar."
Ai was flushing and still trying to cover herself. It worked, technically speaking, but the bulge was way too obvious now. "Mmhh, it's fine. You sound a little wacky, but not that bad. I appreciate you trying."
"Yeah, of course! You're my friend, I want to make you feel good if I can!"
"Right." A long pause. "You know I'm not a boy, right?"
"What?"
"Like, for real. Deep down. You aren't just saying things to make me not mad at you, are you?"
Had her there. "What do you mean? Like, of course I am! I've only ever heard of boys having dicks, like… most girls I've heard of like you, they got rid of those. Not that I know them personally. So this is different, and I'm really trying to understand…"
"Well, I probably will get rid of it, Rise," she sighed. Only a little irritated. If she had to guess, Ai was probably frustrated with the reality of her situation, not Rise's words. "When I'm out of high school. Because I really want to be a woman in mind and body, completely, but… right now this is the best I can do."
God, that hit her straight in the gut. The more she learned about who Ai was, how she felt inside, the more atrocious it sounded to have to live life the way she had up until this point. Even if she was mostly an entitled girl, very affluent and in control of her life, she had to go through such a dark time before she made it to being exactly who she wanted to be.
"And your best is… beautiful. Like, you're so pretty, and strong, and… and I really never saw you as a boy. Even after you told me, even after I found out you have one of those. I'm just… used to thinking of… I'm going around in circles."
Ai pulled Rise to the bed and sat her down with her. Wow, it was much harder to avoid glancing down again than she had expected! "I get it. And you screwed up the way I should have expected you to. I suppose I just liked you so much that I really hoped you would just understand me immediately. Stupid, isn't it?"
"Not at all." She smiled. Ai smiled back. Their faces drifted closer…
And Rise's phone went off. She had promised her grandmother she would help her clean up the shop. Maybe this was for the best, because her hand was on Ai's thigh — and she knew she would have felt tempted to move it that little bit higher.
"Well, I g-gotta go," she breathed shakily as she stood up, brushing off her skirt. "Um… I, uh…"
"You keep looking at it," Ai accused. "I'm not a freak; I hope you get that now."
"Oh, that's… not what I was thinking. Gotta go! Bye!"
Ai's brows were so very furrowed as the idol raced out of there before giving herself away. The last thing she wanted to reveal was just how impure some of her thoughts were becoming. And she knew that if she hadn't run away right when she did, it would have meant their relationship deepened a lot more depending on how those next minutes went. What an unmitigated disaster for their friendship that could be if things didn't turn out okay!
Even if the PR would be perfect. The more in love she was with her best friend, the more in love she would look with her best friend. She just hoped Ai was alright with that — if she ever found the nerve to tell her.
To Be Continued…