Trigger warning:
Please note that this chapter contains delicate subjects such as relived trauma and could be triggering for some people. The targeted part is between the -*-
Once the poison was out of her system, Luthien received Silana's blessing to leave the Temple of the Divine. Summer was well set in Solitude and the cool and quiet atmosphere of the healing ward was replaced with the hectic hubbub of the busy metropole. Ralof, who had been granted leave by his commanding officer, led his little elf back to their shared room in Castle Dour. He walked all the way with an arm protectively wrapped around her shoulder, steering her away from children dashing through the streets, rambling vagrants, patrolling guards, busy townspeople hurrying to the market… While she was slowly getting annoyed with his fussing, she was relieved he was still by her side and allowed him to guide her to safety. Her heart had stopped when he told her he had heard her discussion with Silana. She could still hardly believe her luck; not only did he not hold against her that she had allowed Ulfric to get his way with her, but he seemed determined to consider what was growing inside her as his. Despite this, she had decided last night, as she had lain awake, her head resting on her lover's steadily rising and falling chest, that she would simply ignore the pregnancy as much as possible. While she would not take actions to endanger her life or that of the thing growing inside her, she would not either take any special action to safeguard it. She intended to return to her training as soon as Ralof was done playing the healer, but he apparently had other plans.
Upon entering their room, she noticed he had removed, and likely disposed of, any potions she had kept there; there wasn't a single vial to be seen anywhere. On their bed, were two additional blankets, as if they would be necessary with the sometimes quite scalding heat of summer. He had also moved her gear to the chest by the bed. She could see a leather strap peeking out of the wooden box, betraying the culprit. Finally, her favourite recurved bow was unstrung and placed out of sight under the bed. Deciding she would have none of this insanity, Luthien left her lover's protective embrace and leapt to the floor, stretching her arm under the bed and grabbing her bow. She proceeded to expertly string it before opening loudly the chest and grabbing her training cuirass and boots. Ralof had not moved but was looking at her with disapproval, his back to the door. "Something to say?", asked the Dunmer in a short tone. "Luthien, love. You have to rest", replied Ralof moving toward her and taking the bow she had placed on the table as she dressed. He attempted to unstring it again but was interrupted. "No", yelled the elf slamming her hand on the weapon and placating it on the table. "I have to nothing! I don't want this thing going inside me and it won't change a thing". In a still angry tone, yet no longer screaming she added, "I came here with a mission and I will not rest until it is seen through". "I can't lose you again Love. First the dragon, then that Dwemer cave and now by your own hand…" "I'm Dragonborn Ralof! It's risky business" "Promise me not to do it again", replied the tall Nord in a muted voice, tears threatening to flow from his eyes. He had begged her last night and he would every day if it made a difference. He could not imagine a happy life without her; she had become a part of him and losing her would have been akin to parting from one's arm. Seeing him so upset, Luthien stopped angrily strapping on her cuirass and took a moment before giving him her answer. "I won't take any more poison, but I won't take it easy either. Whether you like it or not I will fight, I will train, and I will be Dragonborn". Seeing he was about to retort she cut him short. "I'm sure Gerdur did not step down from running the mill while she was expecting Frodnar". To that Ralof looked slightly taken aback; he had never thought of it this way. "No, she nearly gave birth in her mill. She had a large order to fulfil and Hod told me she kept working for well over an hour after the pains started coming. He came close to carrying her back to their house kicking and screaming". "Well, I promise not to give birth on the battlefield, but that is all I can promise. Now where did you hide my sword?" Sheepishly, the blond man lifted the mattress and handed her the sheathed gladius. "And my quiver?"
She came back from the courtyard sweaty, with a few shallow cuts and various scrapes but he noticed she looked peaceful for the first time since they had arrived in Solitude; exhausted, but peaceful. She had once more trained well past the required time, but she did not fight him when he placed a bowl of stew on the table in front of her. She even smiled at him before sitting and scarfing down the offered food. Ralof took note of her renewed appetite and decided he would from now on ask for a larger portion when he was picking up their meals from the Castle Dour kitchen. She was so terribly thin he had noticed. While she had always been petite, her cheeks were shallower than before, her collarbones were more prominent, and her arms looked positively frail; he could only guess at what the rest of her body might look like after being put through such a destructive episode. Truth be told, he had not seen her undressed since their capture as she had spent as little time as possible in his company and was always wearing her standard-issue Imperial outfit. At least she removed her boots and cuirass to sleep. He hoped it would be different now that they had cleared the air, but he was painfully aware that it would likely take some time before they could return to the previous comfortable intimacy they had shared since he had defected from the Stormcloak army. She was even careful to wait until he was out of the room to proceed with her summary ablution in the washbasin they kept on a small dresser. He was only aware she had washed because he would find the dirty, sweaty and dusty uniform on the floor next to the basin. He figured she wore the uniform as a way to protect herself from the outside world, himself included. He respected her need for space and diligently took care of her uniform, washing it, mending it when needed and returning it, folded, on the chest by the bed. As was his habit, once she was finished eating, he picked up both their bowl and left for the kitchen. He always dallied in the corridors, sometimes going for a little walk around town to give her time to get ready for bed. She was always asleep or pretending to be once he came back. He kept noise to a minimum before settling in his bedroll, by the bed his little elf was sleeping in.
This time, when he came back from his stroll, he noticed she was not in bed. She had removed her cuirass and boots and was standing, in her clean red tunic and leather breeches, in front of the loophole, through which she could see the moonlit cityscape. She had washed; her hair was tousled and had dripped on the neckline of the tunic. He was a bit unsure how to proceed now since she was not in bed, but he decided to proceed with his routine regardless.
She vaguely registered he had undressed while she was lost in her thoughts looking outside. She could hear the water splashing in the basin, letting her know he was washing the dust and sweat from training away. Since the nights were warmer, she had noticed he was not wearing long breeches and a nightshirt after he dried himself, opting to keep only his underwear. She had made a point of being well tucked away in bed before he came back from the kitchen and was always out of the room before he rose for training. This way, she had tried to prepare herself for the heartbreak that she feared would undoubtedly follow once he found out of her shame. Since it was apparently not going to happen anymore, she allowed herself to let her guard down.
He approached her slowly and after some careful consideration placed his hands on her waist and a chaste kiss on her still damp white hair while making sure to keep a reasonable distance between them. She slightly stiffened but relaxed almost immediately before resting her head on his chest and closing her eyes. She was relieved he had not pressed himself completely against her as she did not feel ready for such an intimate contact just yet. "I'm off to bed", he said softly, lowering his head so he was almost talking to her hair. "Would you rather I slept in my bedroll or can I bunk in with you". He knew he was pressing his luck, but they had both slept well the previous night in the healing ward and he sorely missed sharing a bed with her. For the past going on six weeks, he had camped in their shared room, setting his bedroll next to the bed. He longed to hold her in his sleep as he had before the fateful night near Autumn Watch. He missed the intimacy they had shared and was worried he might never get it back. He felt they had gone back in time to Helgen when she had tried to fight him off her as he held her out of sight of Alduin.
Luthien took some time before turning around to face him. "Bed's fine", she let him know, looking carefully at his face. She smiled a little as she noticed he had braided his hair again despite the quartermaster's repeated comment that such hairstyle was not acceptable for legionnaires. His beard was not exactly regulation either, but she was glad he had managed to keep it, albeit shorter than it had been after their victory against Alduin.
Hardly believing his luck, Ralof pressed another kiss, to her forehead this time, and quietly slipped into bed, thanking Mara for watching over them. Unlike what he was used to, she removed the leather pants before sitting on the edge of the bed. He could see she was a bit tense as she settled in, leaving as much space as she could between them before turning so she was facing him and grabed his large hand in hers. After that, she drifted off to sleep quickly; he could see her breathing had deepened and her body relaxed. Before letting himself drift also, he whispered, "Sorry for hiding your bow. I get a tad overprotective when it come to my little elf". A few seconds later he added softly. "My Dragonborn", in a sleepy but admirative voice. She did not budge, but her hand squeezed his slightly and he knew she had heard him.
-*-TW-*-
She woke up a little a bit before dawn with Ralof at her back, holding her tightly to his chest. Trying to wiggle free, she froze. She could feel him, hard, pressed against her backside. Instantly, she was transported to a very different bed, with a very different man. She recalled the abject fear, the powerlessness, the pain, the shame. Breathing fast and shallow, she tried to pull away but found that she could not as his embrace tightened as she moved. On the verge of tears, she called out to him, her voice breaking, "Ralof, please". Her lover was instantly awake, and it took mere seconds to realize what was happening. He hurriedly let go of her and apologized profusely, nearly to the point of tears. "Sorry, sorry Love, I'm so sorry". He quickly sat up and made sure to hide his nether regions with the blanket as she hurried off the bed. At that point Luthien was standing next to the table, her arms wrapped nervously around her, hands gripping the red tunic, looking at Ralof with tears in her eyes.
"Sorry", she cried. "I really want to want you. It's just too much just now". His heart was breaking seeing her so miserable. "There's nothing to forgive love. I'm so sorry I got carried away. I'll stick to the bedroll from now on. I didn't mean to…"
"Please don't", she said, cutting him short as she wiped the tears off her face. "I want you next to me, just not… like that. Not at my back".
-*-TW-*-
As luck would have it, they did not get to adjust their sleeping arrangement. Ralof's unit got orders to deploy in Hjaalmarch to seize the Stormcloak camp hidden at the base of the mountain. His rucksack and bedroll on his back, freshly sharpened sword and axe on his belt, he came down to the training yard to wish her goodbye. She was in the middle of a heated duel with a fellow legionnaire. Despite her title, she spent numerous hours every day with the simple soldiers, and they did not stand on ceremony with her. He was impressed with her progress; she was quick on her feet, nimble, and her arm was getting stronger every day. She had come a very long way since their first encounter in Helgen. She turned her attention to his large frame for a second, which cost her the victory. She hissed as the legionnaire's gladius made contact with her leather armour. After shaking her opponent's hand she made her way to Ralof, rubbing her sore ribs.
"My unit is leaving for Hjaalmarch", said the blond man. "We are expected to be back on the 5th of Last Seed", he added looking tenderly at his lover. "Take care of yourself while I'm away", he once more implored. "Please". Placing his hand on her cheek, he brought her closer to him and placed a kiss on her forehead. "I'll be here, training", she replied, smiling from the affection he was showing her. Standing on her tiptoes she gave him a kiss and a short hug. Then, squeezing his large hand in hers she whispered "Be careful". He nodded and jogged to the city gate to rejoin with his fellow soldiers.
Once more, Hadvar was the one leading him into battle. He was a bit apprehensive of their new mission. It would be his first time fighting against his former brothers-in-arms and he feared he might be unable to strike them down. They were after all people he had once fought with, drank with, talked with...