Hi all,
This particular one-shot will fall in the multi-chapter universe I'm busy writing. I myself don't suffer with PTSD but I understand the seriousness of it. I feel it is important to stress that you are never alone and there is always someone willing to help or just listen.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from the OneChicago world
Day 5 prompt: "I don't … I don't feel so good."
"Wa-Wa-Waterloo…"
He'd been dreaming again. The sheets twisted around him franticly and everything flashed all at once. His dreams weren't usually so disruptive, but it was a new place, a new bed and as much as he tried to deny it – it had left him just a little unsettled.
His dreams were more of the same. Of the war, and the desert. The pop! pop! pop! of bullets and deafening explosions. The sand and heat and of course … their unit. Sometimes the faces were clear, he could see every little detail on them but sometimes they were nothing more than a blurry mess and mop of hair. One face always seemed to shine clear though; Jay.
He'd been jerked rather violently from his dream; gasping for air. For one painful moment, he forgot where he was, still remembering the feel of the sun and the sting of the sand against his skin. The quiet of the room was discerning and a sharp contrast to the chaotic mess of his dreams.
Mouse had worried that he'd screamed out but he was still blessedly alone. Well almost alone, he quickly discovered. His senses tingled in that way when you were certain you were being watched. He sat up on the couch, abruptly, looking around the room. It was nearly light out but the heavy curtains blocked the rising sun from disturbing them. He heard her little giggle before noticing her hiding behind the armchair. Her little feet were visible through the gap.
Mouse chuckled, sitting back against the couch. Sighing in relief, he waited for a moment, trying to slow his frantic heartbeat. He didn't want to scare her, and he wasn't quite certain how long she'd been hiding there. Her little giggle did give him some hope though. Perhaps she hadn't seen him thrashing around, for he was certain it hadn't been a still dream. The sheets twisted around him told him as much.
She peeked around the armchair again and this time Mouse beckoned her over. She didn't hesitate, scuttling across the room until she was practically bouncing in front of him.
"Morning," she chirped.
"Morning, Ella," he replied and he found it wasn't difficult to reciprocate her smile.
Looking down at her, Mouse was taken aback by how much she resembled Jay, even with the blonde colouring of her hair. That mischievous smile, the small smattering of freckles and those green eyes; that was all Jay. He'd been shocked – in the best way possible – when he'd returned to find his best friend had not only gotten married but had a kid too! Jay had of course kept him updated but hearing about it and truly seeing it were two very different things. And damn was Ella Halstead just the most adorable little thing.
He glanced over at the clock and saw it read 6. am. He winced, feeling it almost sinful to be awake that early on a weekend.
"Why are you awake so early?" he asked quietly.
She shrugged, pushing her curly blonde hair back. It was falling from the ponytail. "Why are you awake?" she asked in reply.
"I …" he paused wondering what to say to her. "I don't … I don't feel good." That was all he could sum it up to, but it was also the truth.
"Did you have a bad dream?" she asked tilting her head a little and Mouse gaped at her.
"How did…?"
"You were crying," She mumbled quietly. "Like daddy." She fidgeted with the little bow on her pajamas. "Sometimes daddy has bad dreams like that."
"He does?"
"Hhm, but mama is always there," Ella stated. "Do you want me to get mama?"
"Oh no! That's okay. I'm okay," he quickly assured her.
But Jay's daughter was cleverer than he anticipated. "You're lying. Daddy says we shouldn't lie."
"I'm not lying," Mouse objected immediately. Truthfully, he was a little offended at getting called out so easily by a three-year-old.
Ella huffed and Mouse resisted the urge to laugh. "It's okay if you had a bad dream, I get them too sometimes," she added for his benefit this time.
"You do?" She nodded and Mouse sighed running a hand through his hair, "and what do you do when you have bad dreams?"
She contemplated her answer very carefully. "Mama sings to me. Or daddy but mama sings better," she said stifling her laughter with a little hand pressed against her lips.
Mouse smirked, "Your daddy sings?"
She nodded again, clearly excited by that. "But other times he plays music for me. Claire too."
Mouse smiled, having briefly met the fiery babysitter that was Claire. He looked back at Ella. "What kind of music does he play for you?"
That broke out the largest smile he'd seen on her. "Wait, I'll show you!" she told him eagerly and for a moment Mouse worried what she would do.
She hurried over to the other side of the room, to a drawer she could barely reach. No fuss about that was made though, as she pushed the footstool up against the set of drawers and then opened the second one. From it, she pulled an iPad. He was surprised at the quick finesse with which she had done it. Clearly, it was not the first time.
Grinning in great victory, she made her way back to him. Without another word, she handed him the iPad and then crawled up on the couch beside him. Mouse watched in great fascination as she worked the device expertly. Really, he thought he shouldn't have been all that surprised. What couldn't kids work these days?
A moment later she was hitting play on a song and the melody filled the living room. He smiled, laughing quietly as he recognised the tune and words. Beside him, Ella hummed happily.
"You should sing too," she told him happily. "It will make you feel better!"
Mouse looked uncertainly at her. "I don't sing."
She shrugged. "That's okay. You can try now."
Mouse didn't, though he did watch amusedly as she sang. It seemed she only knew the one line from the song but that didn't stop her.
"Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Waterloooo," she sang, laughing because that was just her happy personality.
"I was defeated, you won the war," The song carried on but Ella sang over them, "Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Waterloo," in complete disregard for the actual words of the song.
Mouse, found himself smiling down at her because in all her childish naivety she was still aware that he was hurting and wanted to make him feel better. A strong sense of affection and pride rose for the way his best friend and wife were raising this little girl.
She stopped singing for a moment, looking at him and he was sure she was thinking furiously even for a three-year-old.
"We can change the song," she suddenly suggested. "What song makes you happy?"
He paused because he didn't know the answer to that. He told her as much. "I … don't have a song that makes me happy."
"Oh," she seemed rather sad about this. "That's okay. I'll help you find one."
Mouse smiled again, "Yeah?"
She nodded turning her attention back to the iPad in his hand. "We can change the song," she said again.
"No. I think I like this one. Can we listen to it again?"
His question brought another brilliant smile and the two of them sat on the couch, playing the song for the second time.
Ella was giggling, joy in her hands as she waved them about singing, "Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Waterloo!" with more drama than before when Jay walked in.
He stood leaning against the doorframe, watching them with a soft smile on his face. He didn't feel the need to interrupt, the two of them quite happily laughing between themselves. So Jay waited, watching as Ella sang happily for his best friend. But he could see the tension he carried in his shoulders and recognised that slightly frightened look in Mouse's eyes. His daughter though, was a real gem, drawing from his distraught friend a real smile in all her sweet laughter and happy singing.
"Do you want to listen to another?" Ella asked Mouse as the song came to an end. She leaned over and fiddled on the screen for him.
Mouse looked down and Jay could see the amusement in his eyes as he most likely looked at the playlist that he and Hailey had put together for Ella. He decided perhaps it was best to leave them be and was about to step back when Ella looked up, catching him.
She beamed. "Daddy!" she called and then climbed down from the couch, scampering towards him.
She was fast on her little legs, but Jay was used to that. He knelt, catching her easily as she launched herself at him.
"Morning baby," he said smiling.
"Morning!" she said sweetly. She giggled and squirmed in his arms when Jay tickled her stomach.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"We're listening to the happy songs, daddy," she told him.
"A bit early for that, don't you think sunshine? I hope you didn't wake Mouse," Jay chided gently.
"I didn't!" she said quickly shaking her head. "He was having bad dreams, daddy," Ella said sadly and Jay glanced over at Mouse.
Jay noticed the way Mouse shifted uncomfortably, looking at the floor rather than at him. He felt guilty, not realising that a different set-up for the night might have triggered something for his friend. Mouse hadn't been back long enough to fall into any simple routine.
He didn't ask anything though.
Ella continued, not realising the importance of what she had just relieved. "He was sad daddy. I just wanted to help," she said quietly. She turned to Mouse and asked, "Are you still sad?"
Mouse was taken aback by the worry expressed for him by this sweet little girl. "No, I'm not so sad anymore, Ella."
Jay smiled, kissing her forehead, "You did good, baby." She looked rather proud at her father's words. "I don't think anyone can be sad after hearing you sing," Jay praised.
"Quite an interesting selection of songs here," Mouse quipped in looking up from the iPad. "There's like literally nothing from this century on here."
Jay shrugged. "We like the classics in this house." He adjusted Ella in his arms a little. "Besides, have you heard what the kids are listening to these days?" he looked disturbed by that.
Mouse laughed. "Point taken."
"So sunshine, how about some breakfast?" Jay asked looking at Ella. She nodded enthusiastically. "What do you think? Waffles or pancakes?"
She gave it a great deal of thought and then leaned in whispering into her father's ear. Jay smiled and nodded.
Mouse was not prepared for it when she turned to him, this time with a shy smile, "Uncle Mouse, do you like waffles?"
His heart almost jumped because now he was uncle to her and that was the best thing he'd heard all morning.
"I love waffles," Mouse finally managed to answer.
"Really?" she seemed very excited by this. "Daddy makes the best waffles! It always makes me happy."
"Come on, baby, let's go get started. Uncle Mouse can join us when he's ready," Jay told Ella. He gave Mouse a meaningful look and the two of them disappeared towards the kitchen.
Mouse could hear them, in the kitchen, little giggles and Jay's laughing carrying through the house to him. He leaned back against the pillows, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
He hadn't been back all that long, just long enough to finally find his feet again before his apartment had to be fumigated. He didn't have anywhere else to go and it had purely instinctive to reach out to Jay for help. His friend hadn't even battered an eyelash. Jay and Hailey had welcomed him into their home. He'd arrived last the previous night and hadn't had much time to look around but now he saw everything in the fresh morning light. The living room, spacious and yet so homey. Ella's toys were neatly stacked in a box in the corner, a soft pastel yellow and white quilt was draped over the comfy armchair. And pictures; on the mantel and the walls.
Some Jay had sent to him a while back. Like the wedding photo of him and Hailey. That had had him smiling for nearly a week after receiving it. Then came the ones with the rest of Intelligence. Mouse wasn't all that surprised to see there were a few pictures of the team up here too. Not too many new faces and a little selfishly, he was glad for that. He didn't know how well he could handle it if everything felt different all at once.
There were a lot more of Ella. Some just on her own and a handful with her parents. She was smiling in all of them. Her laughter, so clear and infectious even through a simple photo.
He shifted on the couch again and the iPad fell his way. He was suddenly taken back to his rough awakening. He knew Jay would worry. It was in his nature. But what he didn't know was that Ella – sweet little Ella – had somehow through the simplest of actions actually helped him.
She had found him all lost in his head and terror but then she'd played him perhaps the most random selection of song. In the few minutes they had listened to the song, Mouse had managed to find himself just a little bit again. It was not a quick fix and certainly, he still felt a little unsettled, but he knew it could have been much worse.
He rose from the couch, folding up the sheets and blankets Hailey had given him the previous night. Neatly stacked at the end of the couch, he made his way to the kitchen.
The soft tinkling of music could be heard just before he entered. Ella was standing on a stool beside Jay. He was holding the large bowl steady as she mixed the batter a little haphazardly.
"Careful baby," Jay warned.
"I got it, daddy," Ella insisted. A little batter landed on her hand and she quickly licked it, smiling impishly at him.
"Alright you," Jay laughed. He took the spoon from her, forgoing her pout and set her on the floor. "I'm going to put this in the maker, why don't you go see if mama's awake?"
She agreed, leaving the kitchen in search of her mother. Jay turned back to making breakfast, fiddling with the waffle maker, quite expertly. When he turned back around, Mouse couldn't hold back his slight chuckles.
"What?" Jay asked, grabbing another mug and pouring Mouse some coffee.
"It's just I would never have thought this would be you," He shrugged a little accepting the cup from Jay as he took a seat at the island. "It's … different."
"Oh?"
Mouse raised a brow at him and Jay laughed. "You're making waffles at 6:30 am. Your daughter has just skipped outta here to get your wife … it's different. You're different." He looked down into his coffee. "So many things have changed; so many people have moved on."
"Yeah, but there'll always be a place for you here, Mouse. You know that right?" Jay said steadfastly.
"You have your own family now, Jay," Mouse shook his head. "Things are different." He thought back to waking up on the couch. To sweet Ella being the one that found him. He was lucky she hadn't tried to wake him herself. That probably would not have ended too well.
"You are family," Jay said snapping him from his thoughts. "Don't tell me otherwise," he added resolutely.
He might have wanted to argue with Jay but a part of him was humbled that Jay thought of him as family, even after all the time that had passed. He didn't want to give that up, not again.
They sat in silence for a moment as Jay moved around the kitchen and all that was heard was the tinkering of his movements and the soft music wafting through the air.
"How often?" Jay finally asked.
Mouse didn't bother pretending like he didn't understand what Jay was asking. He sighed, sinking a little more into his seat.
"Not that often, I swear," he answered quietly. "It's just a new place, new bed, you know?"
Jay nodded. "I'm sorry. I should have –"
"It's okay Jay," Mouse interrupted. "I kinda hoped it wouldn't trigger anything."
"Have you been going to therapy?" Mouse made a face and Jay paused what he doing to look up at his friend. "You gotta go, man."
"I don't think it's going to help," Mouse said disinterestedly. "You know I'm not a fan of that sorta thing."
Jay sighed. "I know and neither was I. But it does work." He looked worriedly at his friend, his concern growing as Mouse's resistance. "You said things are different now. That I'm different," Jay reminded him and Mouse nodded. "That didn't happen overnight."
"What's that got to do with therapy?"
"Everything!"
Mouse shook his head. "I … can't…"
"Yes, you can!" Jay stressed.
"You're asking me to relive it all Jay!" Mouse cried. He was only vaguely aware that perhaps Hailey and Ella would hear them now.
"No! I'm asking you to get help dealing with everything that you've been through!"
"I don't need it," Mouse insisted. "I didn't need it then and I don't now!"
"No man, you did need it back then. We both did. Only we were too stubborn and stupid to admit it," Jay pressed ignoring the hard scowl on Mouse's face. "We didn't handle any of it well. I got married … in Vegas! Does that sound like handling it well?"
"Ah come on, I thought that was rather cool," Mouse joked hoping to deflect but Jay was resilient. He sighed. "What do you think is going to happen if I go? That I'll magically get better?"
"There's no magic to it, Mouse. You go, you talk it out," Jay corrected. "I'm not saying it won't be difficult but it will be worth it."
"I don't need it! I'm fine! I just need to get back home."
"You're not fine!" Jay cried in frustration. "I don't believe that and I know you don't either."
"I can't Jay! I just can't!"
"Well you can't carry on like this forever," Jay argued.
"I told you, the nightmares aren't that often. I've got it handled," Mouse tried reassuring him. "It's just a new place, that's all."
"Not that's not all." Jay fixed his friend with a hard stare as he spoke. "You need to get help before you hurt yourself or someone else."
Mouse felt a pang of guilt. "I would never hurt her! I was already awake before she came over!" He cried.
For a moment Jay was confused and then realisation hit him. His jaw set stiff for a moment before he exhaled slowly. "I know you would never. I'm not saying that."
"Then what? Because it sounds like you don't trust me around your girls," Mouse said almost bitterly. He knew it was unfair to Jay and that he was lashing out but he couldn't stop himself.
"I trust you with my life," Jay said solemnly. Mouse was silent, a little red-faced too because he realised that literally meant those two girls upstairs. Mouse had seen it the moment he had walked into their home yesterday; Hailey and Ella were Jay's entire being and it was no simple thing that Jay was alluding to now. "And I'm asking you to trust me." Jay sighed again. "Greg, please."
Mouse didn't look up. His shame burning a little more now and he found that he couldn't face Jay. He didn't deserve his kindness.
"Why won't you let me help you?" Jay asked almost helplessly.
"I don't know if you can," Mouse admitted quietly. His eyes burned with unshed tears but he refused to let them fall.
"I can try."
"How can you be sure it will even work?"
"Because it did for me," Jay told him. He glanced up, presumably to where Hailey and Ella were upstairs. "She told me she'd get another partner if I didn't go," Jay reminisced. "I didn't want to go. I didn't think I needed help but I was wrong. I wasn't okay but I wanted to be."
"Are you now?"
"Most of the time," Jay answered truthfully. "Sometimes things come back, an unexpected trigger here and there, mostly, it's a case that triggers a memory but it's not nearly as painful as it was."
"Ella says you still get nightmares," Mouse murmured.
Mouse was surprised when Jay didn't turn away. Instead, he looked him dead in the eye. "Yeah, I do." He leaned back against the counter, "As I said, sometimes there are all these unexpected triggers. Small things that would normally undo me but I've learnt how to deal with it now. The dreaming was always the worst part."
"What do you dream about?"
Jay was silent for a moment and Mouse was certain he wasn't going to answer. Eventually, he rubbed his jaw and then said, "A bit of there and a bit of here. You?"
"There. It's almost always there. Sometimes it's just me and other times … everyone else." Mouse didn't have to tell Jay that meant him too.
"What do you want to see when you close your eyes?" Jay asked and Mouse frowned.
"What?"
Jay smiled. "What do you want to see when you close your eyes?"
"I … uh… I don't know." He was still perplexed and turned the question back to his friend. "What kind of question is that?"
"She asked me that in one of our sessions," Jay confessed. "And I thought it was the stupidest question, because what could I possibly want to see?" He sighed running a hand through his hair.
"What did you tell her?"
"Well at first, I told her I wanted to see nothing. It was easier that way," Jay smiled ruefully. "But then I told her the truth."
"Which was?"
Jay shrugged. "That I didn't know." He looked at Mouse again. "And for the longest time, I didn't know. I really had no idea. Until eventually I did." Jay glanced up to the ceiling again.
"You saw them, didn't you?" Mouse surmised.
"Yes and no," Jay replied and he saw that his answer confused his friend. "I wanted to be better but not just for them. For myself. Because Hailey deserved better a partner, one that gave a damn. She cared enough to worry and the least I could do was try."
"She really made you go?" Mouse asked in disbelief.
Jay smiled proudly. "She did."
"What if it doesn't work?"
"And what if it does?" Jay countered. "All you have to do is try."
Mouse grasped the mug tightly in his hand, feeling his stubbornness and hesitance slowly fade away.
"Honestly, man, how do you feel?" Jay asked gently.
Mouse released a shuddering breath, finally allowing himself to be honest. "I don't … I don't feel good," he said repeating the words he'd said to sweet little Ella earlier.
"Then let me help you. Please," Jay pleaded. Mouse looked up at him and Jay could see the fear in his friend's eyes. "You won't do it alone. I promise. I'll be there and Hailey too."
"You can't ask that of her," Mouse objected weakly.
Jay smirked. "She'll insist. You're family and she won't have you doing this on your own. Neither of us will."
It took him a moment longer and a couple of deep breathes before he nodded. "Okay."
Jay smiled and it filled Mouse with an odd sense of pride. His reply though was cut short as they heard Ella and Hailey coming down the hallway. She appeared not a moment later, with Ella on her hip, talking her ear off.
"Morning you two," She greeted, smiling at them.
Jay knew she had probably heard a great deal. They hadn't exactly been quiet but Hailey went about as if she knew nothing. She popped Ella down in the high seat beside Mouse.
They greeted her, Jay with a cup of coffee in hand and a kiss on the lips. Ella giggled and Hailey turned to them, ignoring the slight smirk on Mouse's face.
"I heard we're having waffles this morning," she remarked.
"Hmm" Jay murmured pulling her close. "They're almost done."
"Good! Cause I'm hungry!"
"Me too!" Ella added.
"Well how about these until they're ready?" Jay offered, placing a small bowl of strawberries in front of her.
Her eyes light up. "Thank you daddy!" she said then dug in happily. She turned a moment later to see that Mouse was watching her and without hesitating, she handed him one.
"Thank you," he told her softly as he popped the sweet fruit into his mouth. He was rewarded with a warm smile.
Hailey and Jay smiled proudly as she sipped her coffee.
"This is an interesting playlist you have," Mouse couldn't help but remark. This time it was Hailey that smirked.
"It's the classics. Nothing wrong with that," she laughed.
"Oh, I agree," Mouse said smiling too, "But you gotta play the kid something from this decade or at least this century!" he teased.
"Do you even know what the kids are listening to these days?" Jay asked furrowing his brow.
"Do you?" Mouse countered.
"I might."
"Oh yeah? Like what?" Mouse challenged.
"Daddy likes Taylor swift," Ella interjected and they all turned to Jay whose cheeks tinged red slightly.
"They're catchy songs!" he said meekly.
"Oh! That's what you were singing yesterday!" Hailey gasped and then snickered.
Jay huffed good-naturedly and then turned back to make up the last of the waffles.
His back was still to them when Ella leaned towards Mouse. He supposed she was trying to whisper but kids were never good with that. "Uncle Mouse?" she called and her voice was only slightly louder than the soft music. "Are you feeling better now?"
He looked at her, and when he glanced around, it was a look mirrored by all Halsteads. A look of warm concern, kindness and sincerity. He smiled because, for the first time in a long time, he had a truthful answer.
"A little," he answered and he saw her slightly crestfallen expression. "But … I'm going to get help to make me feel better."
Mouse looked up at saw Jay looking at him with something akin to brotherly affection. It was the strongest Mouse had felt since coming home.
"We can play the song again," Ella suggested, eager to help her new uncle feel better.
Mouse grinned. "Sure, just as long as your daddy promises not to sing," he teased her and she laughed.
"Hey!" Jay mockingly protested and Ella quickly clamped a hand over the mouth. "Are you saying you don't like my singing, little lady?"
Ella smiled mischievously and Mouse was shocked because she looked like the perfect mix of her parents. "You sing okay," she shrugged, "but mama sings better."
Hailey laughed as Jay pouted. He put the spoon down and reached for Ella in her high seat.
"What was that?" he asked tickling her and she shrieked in delight.
He hoisted her easily from her seat and she wriggled and laughed loudly. Finally, he placed her on the counter. She stood in front of him, still laughing, face a little flushed.
She fidgeted about, her sock-clad feet moving endlessly about until at last, she tilted her head to the side, smiling at him. "Mama sings better but you give good hugs," she praised patting his chest.
"Oh yeah?" Jay smiled broadly.
Hailey smiled and leaned in towards them. "You're right baby. Daddy does give really good hugs."
Jay looked down at her and winked. She smirked and then stood on the tips of her toes to kiss his cheek before settling back down.
"The best!" Ella cried and to prove her point she launched herself at him. Jay's arm held her close, immediately and he pressed a kiss to her golden hair.
"I think I can live with that," he said a moment later.
Ella glanced over his shoulder, "Are they ready now?" she asked impatiently.
Jay chuckled. "Almost." He looked up and then gestured towards Mouse, "Can you sit with uncle mouse until mama and I finish it up?"
She nodded and then turned her arms stretching out towards Mouse. He froze, unsure for a moment. But Jay nodded encouragingly and he reached for the little girl. As he settled her back in his lap, Mouse expected her to object but all she did was ask for her strawberries. He placed the bowl in front of her and then Jay had smiled at them. He went back to finishing up the waffles as Hailey began pulling out plates for them.
Ella was completely at ease and he was thrilled that she would feel safe enough around him for that. There was an easy silence in the kitchen as Jay and Hailey moved effortlessly around each other. And for a moment the gentle hum of music and the occasional tinkle of movement was all that could be heard. It was peaceful. But then the sing changed and Mouse grinned as he heard Ella's voice startup with the music now. Her quiet little voice singing nonsensically as she continued eating her strawberries and her head bopping a little too.
"Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Waterloo…"
AN: Truthfully, writing this with Ella and Mouse was one of my favourite things and i hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have! Leave a little love!
Of course the song and title comes from ABBA'S Waterloo.
Stay safe!