"This is your fault, Nick. You compromised the whole loft. We had an agreement. When Jessica Day signed that lease, you, me, and Coach all took a 'No Nail' oath."
(Schmidt, 2x17 "Parking Spot")

"Schmidt, I need to talk to you."

Schmidt didn't look up from his laptop. "What is it, Nick? I have a deadline."

"It's about the new girl."

"What about her?"

"I don't think she should move in."

"Why ever not?"

"I just… I don't think it's a good idea to have a girl living with us."

Schmidt scoffed. "Nick, we've been over this a thousand times and I thought we came to an agreement. That's why she's moving in tomorrow."

"Yeah, but I…" Nick really didn't want to share his real thoughts and fears with Schmidt. He had to somehow express his worries without putting it all on him. "Don't you think the… sexual chemistry might get out of hand?"

That finally got Schmidt to look up. "What do you mean?"

"You don't think that any of us won't want to bang ever?" Nick asked with as much seriousness in his voice as possible, "I mean sure, right now she's just a roommate with model friends, but what happens in the future? What if one lonely night someone's feeling… horny. You just want some sex and lo and behold, your roommate is right there. You sleep with her. OK fine, but then you can't just dump her and move on because she's your roommate! Imagine how awkward that will be!"

Schmidt's eyes widened with horror as he pictured the scenario and Nick knew that he had— if only just briefly— considered the possibility of hooking up with Jess in the future, but hadn't considered the repercussions.

"Oh… oh my goodness! Nick! What can we do?" he cried, "We can't live with a woman! Especially not one as hot as Jess! It'll be like a cesspool of lust and sexual tension and awkwardness!"

"That's what I've been saying!" Nick declared.

"But she already signed the contract," Schmidt pointed out, "We can't back out on her."

Nick groaned and sat beside Schmidt, putting a hand to his head. "Seriously? Then what do we do? I don't want to live in a sex-pool of awkwardness."

"Cesspool," Schmidt corrected, "It's like an underground pool of sewage."

"I think a sex-pool makes more sense in this situation," Nick said with a shrug, "But we really can't back out of a contract?"

"No, Nicholas!" Schmidt said in slight outrage, "Contracts are absolutely binding. Only jerks and really good lawyers back out of contracts."

"Well I did go to law school…" Nick pointed out.

"You're not a lawyer," Schmidt quickly shut him down, "And I said a really good lawyer."

They were silent for a moment, both thinking. Nick snapped his fingers. "I got it! A contract!"

"Yes, Nick," Schmidt said, rolling his eyes, "That's the problem."

"No, what if we made our own contract?"

Schmidt raised his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"You, me, and Coach," Nick explained, "We write our own contract that says we can never bang our roommate. You said that contracts can never be broken except by jerks and really good lawyers. So if any of us breaks it, we're a jerk."

"Or a good lawyer," Schmidt said.

"Yeah, yeah," Nick said, nodding.

Schmidt also nodded, thinking it over. He then grinned. "You know, Nick, that's a great idea! Contracts are absolutely binding. We can put in some horrible consequence for the person who breaks it like they have to shave their head or… or…"

"Or eat Chef Boyardee?" Nick said with a grin.

Schmidt shuddered. "That would absolutely be the worst torture of all!"

"That should be your punishment," Nick said, "That way I know you would never break the contract in a million years."

"Good idea," Schmidt agreed, "We should all have different punishments. What should yours be?"

Nick scratched his head. He knew it needed to be something really terrible because he was the one who had the problem. "I don't know. You come up with something. What do you think I would never do in a million years even for sex?"

Schmidt rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I'll come up with something," he said after a moment, "Believe me, you will never break the "No Nail Oath" when I am through with you. Never!"

Nick nodded and turned away to go into his room. "I hope not," he muttered to himself.