Well hello there! Another chapter. Thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate you and your patience soooooo much!

XXXXXXX

When Will finally calmed down and went back into the room his face was stoic; but the moment their eyes met, the stoic mask disappeared, morphing into an expression Jay hated. He turned his head away and looked at Adam, he didn't have that look, wasn't looking at him 'that way' like he was a fucking victim.

I'm fine.

Will stayed quiet when Adam started to speak even though he didn't want to. He wanted to cry, he wanted to comfort his brother, he wanted to rage, he wanted to kill the people that did this…he wanted…he wanted to be there for his brother…but Jay wanted Adam…

"Hey bud…can you let them take care of you now? Will can, or we can get Dr. Choi…but we should probably let him take care of your side…"

"It's fine…it isn't even bleeding anymore…" he responded in a flat voice.

Will tried, he tried so hard but he couldn't keep the anguish out of his voice, "Jay…please…"

He couldn't look at his brother…shame prickled every fiber of his being…his side pulsed…reminding him…I told you I'd make you feel good.

Unconsciously he turned back to Adam, then closed his eyes.

Adam hated it. He wanted to help Jay, be there for him, but goddam it was fucking killing him…the look on Jay's face…Jay was one of the strongest people he knew and to see shame on his face…he couldn't fucking handle it…he just couldn't.

"Jay? You be okay if we step outside for a minute, so we can figure this out?"

Jay didn't say anything…just pushed harder on his side with his bloody hand and gave a barely perceptible nod.

Will moved to the door, but watched as Adam whispered something to Jay and put another pressure bandage in his hand. It was then he noticed the bloody bandages on the floor. Too much blood. Why didn't they treat him? He knew that was an irrational thought. They couldn't just force someone to be treated but…

Will and Adam joined the others in the next room. Will looked worried and at the same time looked like he wanted to cry.

"How long has he been here?" He knew he was overreacting, but couldn't help adding, "He's practically bleeding out."

"A little over two hours. The bleeding's slowed. He won't let anyone near him, only Adam…Voight."

Will was beside himself, "Well, we have to treat him." He choked on his next words, "He won't even look at me."

He took a big breath and willed his heart to stay in his chest. "Have we figured out what they gave him?"

"Still waiting…"

Adam asked a question he's already asked a million times, only three of them out loud, "Can't you guys give him a sedative so you can treat him?"

Hank cleared his throat but was unable to expel the emotion, "We can't just let this go on until he bleeds out."

Dr. Charles was the voice of reason, as always, "He is refusing treatment. Until he gives us the okay, our hands are tied. Also, he is not really pushing leaving AMA yet, but once he starts pushing for it, we can't hold him. We have to let him go."

Will paced the room and mumbled, "I hate that fucking law…"

To those that heard, the feeling was mutual. They all wanted Jay treated and out of pain, but the physical wounds were off the table for now. Their only option would be treating the emotional wounds, and that was also a no-go since Jay wasn't anywhere near ready to acknowledge them.

Hank was spinning…had been more and more, the longer the kid refused treatment, wondering if he talked to Jay, told him he knew about the stab wound…if he had someone to help carry the burden of the secret, would he let them treat him or would that only fuck him up more?

During the whole exchange, Dr. Charles eyes were drawn to Hank a number of times. His friend was clearly rattled which was normal given the situation, but given the fact that he could see Hank was rattled led him to believe something else was at play.

"Hank, may I speak to you a moment?"

He acknowledged the request with a 'Doc,' and the two of them left the room and headed to the psychiatrist's office.

They both took a seat on opposite sides of the cluttered desk. Hank remained silent knowing that Dr. Charles would be the first to speak. Daniel was also one not to beat around the bush, but he did it in a softer way, a feather, compared to Hank's sledgehammer.

The doctor moved a small pile of clutter on top of another pile of clutter, the starting gun for the conversation, "Could you tell me what else is at play? I can see that there is something else on your mind and the fact that I can see it plain as day, leads me to believe it is something significant."

Hank inwardly cringed that he wasn't able to hide his inner turmoil. He was a man of action. He knew what he wanted to do and he did it. He made it happen. Here, here, he was at a loss. An absolute fucking loss…

…but he wasn't a coward, "I saw everything that happened, everything…" He took a breath, "His body responded to what she was doing. She stabbed him when his body reacted…"

Daniel nodded his head, knowing what Voight was referring to.

He cleared his throat, "She left the knife in and when his body reacted again, she twisted the knife…I think that's why he is trying to cover up the wound and why he won't let anyone touch it, look at it."

"Understandable…"

"I thought…" He paused, his ability to be blunt slipping through his fingers. Shit. "…what would you think if I told him that? That I saw what happened…maybe tell him that I saw everything, and I know about the stab wound…"

"Hmmm"

"Maybe if he knew it wasn't such a secret, that it was safe with me…maybe he would be willing to let Choi treat him."

"It is worth a shot. It could backfire but it might be the only chance we have. He can't be drugged with out his permission since he is able to make that decision. We also don't know what he has been drugged with…it drags on much longer…well, the blood loss…"

Hank watched as Dr. Charles reasoned it out. It looked like he was going to agree with the idea and now Hank was wishing to God he never mentioned it. He didn't want to do it. He didn't want to admit he saw and he didn't want Jay to have to sit with that. He's afraid for Jay.

Daniel could see Hank is struggling with this, even if it was his idea.

"If you didn't talk to him now, do you think he could find out you witnessed what happened?"

He rubbed his face a little too aggressively, "Hmph…"

"Well, let me ask you this…How do you feel having that information about Jay and Jay not having that same information."

"How do I feel?"

"How do you feel."

He wanted to rage at that question, how do I feel? How the fuck do you think I feel? Instead he took a breath and slowly released it, "I couldn't tell ya doc. I really couldn't tell ya."

"Let's go back to the original question. If Jay doesn't know now, is there away he could find out?"

Voight shut his eyes and reasoned it out in his head. Everyone in the unit knew someone had to watch that feed. Jay is the best detective he has, one of the best he's known…

"Whether he knows now or not, he'll reason it out. He knows there were cameras, he would know we were in and he would know it was me that would watch it. He knows I would need the rest of them on the computers…their skills are better than mine. He knows someone would have to watch and he knows me, skills or not, he knows I wouldn't make anyone else do it."

"Ok then. No use pretending, which could backfire if he knew you were keeping something from him. He needs honesty right now. He needs to be able to trust you, his family. Honesty is the best policy. If you are honest about the hard facts, he'll trust you are being honest about the harder facts."

Voight pinched the bridge of his nose.

"The conversation would serve two purposes, we might get him treated, it would establish the trust he needs, will need, to get through this…three purposes actually… he will see with information you have, you look at him and think of him as you always have. None of what happened, especially the part that brings him the most shame, has changed your opinion of him."

Hank nodded and tried to wrap his head around what he was going to do. He's breached drug dens, gang hideouts, stash houses, but walking into that room was going to be the hardest breach of his career. He's walking in armed with the truth and sometimes the truth hurts. Then there are times like this where the truth is excruciating.

Dr. Charles saw Hank's extreme discomfort and put a calming hand on his shoulder as a silent pep talk.

"We'll put Dr. Choi and Will on stand-by…I'll be right outside the door."

XXXXXXX

Jay and Adam sat silently in the room. Both in their own worlds. Their only interaction was when Adam swapped out the pressure bandages. Both ignoring the elephant in the room…Jay pretending it didn't even exist and Adam trying to breathe through the pain in his heart as it sat on his chest.

They both looked to the door when it slid open and both were relieved to see it was Voight but for different reasons; Jay was glad it wasn't Will and Adam hoped Voight would take over so he didn't suffocate.

"Kid, you okay if I sit in here a bit?"

Jay looked from Adam to Voight. He knew that Voight knew what happened, how could he not. He cringed when he had that thought, which both Hank and Adam noticed. But Voight…Adam, they aren't looking at him like everyone else…

"Ya…"

Adam nodded and handed Jay another pressure bandage when he stood up but didn't step away until Jay switched them out.

Adam calmly got out of the room, then power walked by everyone, needing to get away from everything, from what happened. He knew it was a pipe dream, he could feel the situation trailing after him like exhaust fumes but he's about two seconds away from a melt down and didn't want anyone to see it.

He slammed through the stairwell door, not the first one he has slammed through today and that had everything bubbling to the surface. The tears flowed, a sob escaped and his fist hit wall.

Again and again he hit it. Pounding his fist into her face, into Roland's face. Taking out his anger on himself for not saving Jay, for not getting there in time.

He felt the break and he welcomed it, something new to focus on beside his friend being raped and his fucking failure to stop it.

He hit the wall one more time with a scream. He wasn't sure if it was the pain in his hand or the pain in his heart that caused him to collapse but it didn't matter. He sat on the floor, cradling his broken hand against his chest. The should have's and could have's of his failure spun in his head. He pulled his legs toward his body, tipped his head back and let the useless tears flow.

XXXXXXX

Kevin, Hailey and Kim rolled into the ER like sailors spit out of a hurricane. It was obvious they had all shed some tears, Hailey especially. She hadn't even tried to don the stoic face that she has mastered as a cop…she looked distraught and lost.

They were met by Dr. Charles, Dr. Choi and Will and pulled into the same room that had been the staging room for the ongoing war…Kevin was the spokesman, he seemed to be the only one with a voice, but just barely.

"How is he?"

Dr. Choi answered. Will was in no condition to speak, if he opened his mouth he'd scream. Dr. Charles remained quiet.

"He has a concussion, contusions on his face, arms and torso and a stab wound to his…not deep, not life threatening… to his side." he interrupted himself when he saw the looks on their faces.

"That's as far as we got. Now that he's awake, he's not letting us treat him."

None of the three respond, all stuck on 'he's not letting us treat him.'

"For the most part, the effects of the drugs have worn off, but we can't give him anything for pain since we don't know what he was given. Not sure he would take anything anyway. He refused OTC pain meds."

"Voight and Adam in there with him?"

"Voight is…he's trying to convince Jay to let us treat him."

Looking at Hailey, one would have to wonder if she was hearing anything…her eyes were glassy as she stared through 's chest.

"Adam left a few minutes ago, headed towards the stairs."

Kim closed her eyes for a moment then drew in a steadying breath, " I've got Adam…text me."

Dr. Charles took in the state of the remaining officers and his concern mostly lay with Detective Upton.

"Detective, you have quite the cut on your hand…maybe you could let Dr. Manning come in and take a look at it?"

Kevin looked at Hailey's hand, "Oh damn, Hailey…"

He grabbed her arm and lifted it above her heart while putting pressure on her hand. Kevin lifting her arm was like turning on a light switch. Suddenly Hailey was in the room with them, surprised and confused by the blood running down her wrist from her bloody hand.

A few minutes later, Dr. Manning came into the room to find Hailey up on the gurney, Kevin sitting next to her for support. He only let go of Hailey's hand when Dr. Manning took over, absentmindedly wiping his bloody hands on his black jeans, then putting one of them on Hailey's knee, grounding her and who was he kidding, himself. They were going to need each other to get through this if they were going to have a hope in hell to get Jay through it.

XXXXXXX

Kim opened the stairwell door and immediately saw Adam hidden in the corner crying, holding his hand, which given the swelling, she was sure was broken.

She sat down on one leg, the other bent toward her chest, "Adam…"

As soon as she said his name, he collapsed into her, hugging her with one arm as she wrapped her arms around him. He sobbed into her neck, mumbling out his failures when he could catch his breath.

She could only hold him tightly and 'shhh' him, he wouldn't hear anything else. They stayed like that, holding each other, both locked in their own pain, their own shortfalls in this case. She understood the pain Adam must be going through was great. Jay had been right there but he was still beyond Adam's reach.

When Adam calmed down enough, he groaned, leaning more of his weight into her, the adrenaline subsiding, he was now feeling every bit of the pain in his hand.

"Adam…"

He didn't respond right away, just blew out a hot breath against the tears on her neck.

"Adam…can we go get your hand looked at? I think it's broken."

"Mmmm…just…I need a sec…"

More tears fell as he leaned back from Kim to rest against the wall again. He shook his head, "Kim, I didn't…she…fuck…I didn't get there in time…he…"

She held the sides of his head and wiped the tears with her thumbs, "I know…I know…we didn't get him…" She choked up, "We weren't in time…" She sucked in a breath, "We can't change that…God I wish we could…we can only be there for him now."

Wiping his tears again, she tilted his head so he was looking her in the eye, "We'll be there for him now…okay…no blame…there was nothing we could do…"

He tried to shake his head at that, wincing at the bullshit of that statement…he should have been faster, should have watched him closer, should have, should have, should have…

She stopped the shake of his head and kissed one of the tears, stopping it from rolling down his cheek, then stood up. She put her hand out and together they got him standing. He pulled the bottom of his scrub top up so he can wipe his eyes. The fact that he was wearing it and why made him want to puke but he didn't, he just followed Kim back to the ER.

XXXXXXX

He took a seat on the uncomfortable chair by the bed, "Hey kid…"

Jay's only acknowledgement was to adjust his hand over the stab wound and press harder against it.

It was hard to see Jay's other wounds in the flesh…black eye, split lip, bruised jaw. He could see some of the terrible bruising on Jay's chest where the sheet had slipped while he held his side. He knew the kid's wrists were cut up but they were hidden under the bandages. Those were the physical wounds.

Hank hoped this didn't backfire but he didn't see another choice. Only he and Daniel knew what the stab wound represented. To the others it was 'just' a stab wound. They probably saw Jay's reasoning for not wanting to be treated as the sexual assault, which also might be true but it wasn't the whole thing.

"Jay, we need to let them treat you. They need to stop the bleeding…the…it's bleeding pretty heavily. How are your wrists?"

He got a flat, "They're fine" in response.

Hank sucked in a breath, dove into the nitty gritty and prayed it worked and didn't hurt Jay even more.

"Look, Jay…I know what happened. I know what she did…"

He gave Jay a moment to respond to that, but he didn't, just put more pressure on his side.

"Jay…can you look at me kid…"

He didn't talk for a few minutes, until Jay finally looked at him.

"Halstead…I saw the whole thing…there was a camera…we were tapped in…"

The kid didn't take his eyes off him, didn't seem to register at first what he was saying then drew in a quick breath then another and started to hyperventilate.

He jumped up from the chair and hovered near the bed but didn't touch Jay.

"Hey! Jay…Jay…You need to breathe, take a breath Jay…you're okay…safe…take a breath… … … there ya go…nother breath Jay…"

The anguish that bloomed in Jay's eyes tore at his soul, he hated doing this to the him, but he needed to get the kid treated.

The sheet had shifted more, revealing more of Jay's chest and abdomen. Hank tried not to cringe at the bruising, but was sure he hadn't pulled it off.

"Keep breathing Jay…keep breathing…good…good…"

Once Jay had calmed down and he had let the room become still again, let the words he just released into the air sink to the floor, he spit out the killer and hoped it didn't break the kid…

"Halstead…I saw her stab you…"

In the middle of that statement, Jay's face twisted in fear. A thought seemed to hit Jay like a ton of bricks throwing him into a panic, causing him to arch his back off the bed then curl in on himself, knocking the sheet further down to his waist.

He even removed his hand from his side for a moment, his bloody hand joining the other, grabbing his hair pulling his head down to make himself even smaller. The kid sucked in a breath when he realized he let go of the wound and moved his shaking hand back to the spot.

When the kid's hand shifted, Hank could see the wound was bleeding worse. He moved to the other side of the bed, grabbed a new pressure bandage and got the kid to hold it against the wound. He made the kid flinch when he put his own hand on top but didn't see another option, he needed to add pressure to the wound.

"Breathe Jay…breathe…"

Somewhere in the melee of Jay grappling for air, Hank heard one word, a desperate, anguished question.

"Ro…Roland…"

"No kid…hey listen…he didn't touch you…just roughed you up."

It either didn't sink in or Jay didn't believe him, so he reminded the kid of the bomb he had just dropped a few minutes ago.

"I saw everything Jay…he didn't lay a finger on you in that way…he was…he was in the room…but never touched you…"

It finally seemed to sink in and that opened the door for Jay to get his breathing under control.

After a few shuddering breaths, Jay sat back against the bed and unbent his legs a little but grabbed tighter to his side with his right hand, pushing his left arm against their hands, an added layer of concealment.

The kid tried and failed to pull the sheet back up, then left it pooled at his waist. If Jay would have continued to struggle with it, he would have helped him, but he didn't want to increase the kid's anxiety unnecessarily.

Finally Jay scrunched his eyes up and nodded, the kid's hand twitching against his as they put pressure on the wound.

Hank wished he could just leave everything there, but he needed to move forward. So he repeated the sentence that would lead to even more pain for Jay.

"Halstead…I saw her stab you…"

The kid didn't respond, just continued to look at Hank. Again, it took a moment before what Hank said sunk in…what Hank was really saying. Jay didn't react quite like he thought he would. The blank look stayed on his face but he felt Jay switch from pressure on the wound to squeezing it in his fist.

"Jay…hey…" He shifted his hand where it lay on Jay's and after a moment the kid relaxed his fist and went back to covering it, hiding it.

He took a breath and started again.

"Halstead, I saw her stab you, when she stabbed you kid…twisted the blade…"

The realization fully set in and Hank saw that same kaleidoscope of emotions he saw when Jay was in that room flick back and forth across the kid's face, finally landing on shame.

Jay took a deep breath. His head tilted to the side as his face crumbled and he broke into sobs. Hank took a chance and sat on the side, one foot still on the floor. Jay's flinch was slight but he allowed Hank to gather him in his arms and hold him as he sobbed. Hank could feel the muscles in Jay's arm tense against his torso as the kid continued to push hard on the wound, causing him to sob even harder.

They stayed like that until Jay came back from his sorrow and returned to shame and fear, flinching away from him. Hank moved immediately back to the chair and sat quietly, waiting to see what would come next.

He saw the blood begin to soak through the sheet and decided that it was now or never.

"Halstead…kid…we need to treat the wound…"

Jay took in a shuttering breath as he pushed against the back of the bed.

"If you want I'll stay in here with you…we can have Dr. Choi stitch you up and take a look at you…"

Jay closed his eyes and pushed harder against the wound until he caused himself to flinch.

"Jay…"

Finally, the kid opened his eyes and looked at Hank, head tilted, eyebrows dancing as his forehead crinkled. More tears fell as the kid realized he didn't see him any differently than he did before the UC. Hank let out a breath with Jay's one word answer, "Stay…"

"You got it kid. Not going anywhere."

XXXXXXX

"I'm going to have to put in a couple of layers of stitches. I'll give you lidocaine but you still might feel it a bit, just let me know if you want me to stop okay?"

At first he welcomed the pricks of the needle as Ethan shot lidocaine into…I knew you'd like it. The needle felt different. Overriding her pain. But then it was numb and the pain was there again, her pain.

I told you I would make you feel good.

The numbness gave her pain free reign, amplified it. Engulfed him.

It's nice right?

He sucked in a breath, then another and Ethan stepped back giving him a moment while Voight talked him back into the present moment.

Voight watched as the kid kept trying to grab his left side while Dr. Choi was stitching him up. Finally, Voight stepped closer to the bed and held Jay's bloody right hand, thumbs linked and gave it a squeeze.

He didn't hold it tightly. He didn't want Jay to think he was being restrained and Jay got the message because a second later he was squeezing Voight's hand with all of his strength. But even still the kid wasn't able to let Choi touch the wound for more than a moment. His left arm was positioned on the bed, away from his side, giving the doctor just enough room to work, but Jay kept trying to pull it tight to his side to cover the wound.

"Hey Jay, can you put your arm over your head for me…and I'll get you fixed up as fast as I can."

Jay slowly, in stops and starts, put his arm behind his head and when he finally got it there squeezed Voight's hand tighter. But as soon as Ethan touched his side again he brought his arm down and started to hyperventilate.

They got him to breathe and then tried again. This time Jay wrapped his arm across his chest and hung onto his right shoulder, able to close himself off a bit while leaving his most vulnerable spot wide open.

He heard her laughing and put his head down into the crook of his elbow and as much as he hated himself for it, the tears fell. His head tried to tell him it was just a stab wound, but his heart was having none of that.

I told you I would make you feel good.

Over and over his head tried to convince him that he wasn't raped but again his heart was taking the lead, telling him the truth. Ethan finished up on his side and was explaining what he was doing but Jay wasn't listening. His head had his heart in a choke hold and wouldn't let it feed him bullshit truth about his stab wound or any rape…his head won that round.

"Can I go home now?"

Voight and Ethan both reacted to the change in Jay. Both knew what he was doing, he was pushing everything down and away.

"Not yet Jay…we need to get your tox screen back so we can get you some pain meds and get some antibiotics on board…at the very least you'll be here the rest of the night."

"I feel fine…I'm good…I don't need any meds… … …can you guys get Adam…he can take me home…"

Voight and Ethan looked at each other, apparently he was kicking them both out…

"Sure kid…we'll be right back."

As soon as they were gone, he looked around the room for something to wear. If they thought they could keep him here by not giving his clothes, they had another thing coming…he was going home.

XXXXXXX

Ten minutes later, the brothers were in a standoff; Will didn't think Jay was ready to go home and Jay didn't care what Will thought.

"Jay…you've…you've been..."

"I know what the fuck I've been Will. I'm leaving. You can help me or not but I'm going home."

"I was going to say you've been stabbed."

Jay cringed at that.

I told you I would make you feel good.

He scrunched his eyes shut wondering if Will knew…knew about…

No please.

He took in a shuddering breath and blocked Will out.

But she stayed.

XXXXXXX

After kicking Will out of his room to get the ball rolling on his discharge, Jay sat on the bed, head pounding, trying to breathe through the panic of accepting what happened while trying to convince himself that if it did happen, it was no big deal. He was pissed that he couldn't get his shit together.

He hated how Will looked at him the few times he came into the room, he didn't see it on Maggie or Ethan's face, but the thought was probably there just the same - they saw him as a victim. But Will…Will's eyes screamed pity, screamed 'poor Jay…' Will's eyes on him turned up the volume on her.

I knew you'd like it.

He put a hand over his mouth to hold in the scream of rage that he felt at that. That he had got himself in this situation, he closed his eyes trying to hold off the thoughts he knew were coming but it was useless.

He liked it.

He clenched his fists.

No he didn't like it.

His fucking body liked it.

No his fucking body responded to it.

He should have been able to stop it.

Stop his body from reacting.

But he didn't.

He liked it.

His other hand covered his mouth and squeezed to lock in any sound that would reveal his shame.

XXXXXXX

He heard Ethan and Will but looked at them with a blank face, getting more and more pissed. His headache ratcheted up to a ten. He had a concussion but knew that most of the pain was probably due to the demolition derby of thoughts already colliding in his head and they were adding more to the mix.

At this point he was not angry about what happened so much as them talking to him about what happened. Telling him this shit about tox screens and viagra and negative for STD's and he just wants to get the fuck out of there and have everyone leave him the fuck alone.

"SHUT UP! Will…just…just shut the fuck up…am I good to go…"

He needed to leave. There were too many people seeing him, knowing, it was too loud, too bright…there was too much energy and he just needed stillness. Stillness was a bubble and he honest to god needed a place to hide. He could deal with all of this shit later but for now…he didn't know how long he could keep it together.

The room was silent for a moment, then Ethan answered hoping it would calm Jay, "Ya, Jay…I'll get everything ready and then you can go…"

With the affirmation he could leave, his wound pulsed. He winced and pushed on his side as she sent him another shooting reminder of his shame, a reminder that she would be going home with him.

XXXXXXX

Thanks for reading peeps! Stay safe!

Oh, and this can't be said enough, big shout out to ChinVilla for her awesomeness, inspiration and support! BTW, have you read her stories? Ohhhhh boy, you better get on that!