Exiting off the elevator, Joe made his way to the Cortex. He was worried. He hadn't been able to get a hold of Barry all morning. Now, he didn't think his boy was in any danger, since if anything dire were to happen to him, he knew someone from STAR Labs would have alerted him, but it still wasn't like Barry to not keep him updated, especially if he wasn't going to show up for work.
When he finally reached the Cortex, he was surprised to find it quiet, save for the beeping of the machines on Caitlin in the other room and the light snore coming from Cisco who had fallen asleep at the main desk. Holding back a fond chuckle at the young engineer, the detective walked towards where Caitlin was being held, and sure enough Barry was there with her, holding her hand and watching her unwaveringly, just like he had been the previous night when Joe had stopped by.
Joe went to open his mouth but held his tongue as Barry began lowly speaking.
"Lesley was here...and he says you're healthy and in good shape, and I know I should be comforted by that, but I also know I'm only going to be okay when you can tell me all of that yourself."
"God, I'd give anything to hear you ramble on about medical jargon I can barely keep up with..." he told the unconscious doctor with a fond laugh, though the sound was still bereft of any joy as his eyes traveled over the equipment attached to her and her still sleeping form.
"I really don't understand how you do this, the - the sitting around and waiting part when it's me in the bed...Because if you even feel a fraction of what I'm feeling now..." The speedster took in a deep breath, composing himself, his hold on her hand getting just a little more desperate. "Just wake up soon, Cait," he beseeched her. "Please...I'm - I'm a mess without you."
The detective stood there, suddenly feeling like he was encroaching on something very personal. Content with knowing at least where Barry was now, he thought to leave, but as he backed out of the room, his phone pinged with a text.
Jumping from the sudden noise, Barry turned to the source, but his demeanor relaxed as he saw it was only Joe. "Hey," he softly greeted him, a strained smile directed his way, before he turned his attention back to the doctor. "What are you doing here?"
Joe watched the duo for a second, digesting everything, before proceeding with what he had come over for. "Well, Singh was wondering if you were alright since you never showed up to work nor called out…"
The young man's eyes closed with a wince. "Crap, I didn't even realize the time," he started, but Joe quickly raised a hand to quell his worries.
"I told him there had been an emergency. I was just worried myself when you weren't answering my calls."
His eyebrows pinched as he took out his phone, only for realization to fall over him. "It - it must've died. I haven't charged it since yesterday and with everything happening-"
"I get it," Joe cut in, walking over to lay a reassuring hand on Barry's shoulder. He didn't want to cause the poor boy any more stress. "You okay?" he then asked, though he knew by the sullen way his whole body sunk into the chair and the tinge of redness around his eyes that he wasn't.
Barry thickly swallowed, his eyes still very much on Caitlin's form. "I just need her to wake up," he told his foster father softly - yearningly.
Joe's heart clenched for his son. To hear the anguish that he was clearly under only made the seasoned detective wish he could help in any way, but he knew he couldn't. He knew how painful it was to watch someone you loved in a coma and not knowing when or if they'd ever wake up. It was then as he watched Barry look at their lovable doctor that an epiphany struck.
"It's Caitlin, isn't it?"
"Huh?"
"That girlfriend-but-not-girlfriend of yours," Joe elaborated. "It's Caitlin?"
The young man sighed, but he was resigned. "Yeah…" he gently answered, his bottom lip trembling.
"Oh son," Joe let out in further sympathy. He had a million questions he wanted to ask, but knew now was definitely not the time - not when Barry was so scared and hurting. "Barr, she's going to be okay. Caitlin tirelessly works all the time, I'm sure this is just her body trying to make up for all the lost sleep she's had over the years."
Barry nodded his head, but Joe could tell he wasn't really hearing him. The older man sighed as he caught the time on his watch. "I have to get back to the precinct, but let me know if she wakes up or if you need anything, alright?"
He jutted his chin up a bit but otherwise did not acknowledge Joe's words. The older man sighed again as he exited the room, stopping at the console where an awake Cisco was now. "Keep an eye on him, will ya?"
"Why do you think I'm here?"
Joe only smiled as he patted Cisco on the shoulder. "Thanks."
…
Her eyes felt so heavy. So, so heavy. That's all she could think as she awoke, her senses slowly coming to as the rhythmic sound of the heart monitor beeping nearby found her ears and the faint smell of coffee wafted into her nose. She then felt the weight of a hand in hers - so warm and comforting and familiar.
"Barry?" she softly croaked. Her brows furrowed when she went unanswered. However, as she finally managed to open her eyes, her demeanor softened when she saw her favorite speedster sleeping haphazardly in the chair by her bed.
"Sorry if he stinks," a sudden voice spoke up. Caitlin looked towards the darkened Cortex to see a bleary-eyed Cisco in the doorway. He must've just woken up, but he was smiling nonetheless.
"Stinks?" she softly queried, her own lips twitching into a smile.
Cisco gestured towards Barry. "He has barely left your side. Wouldn't leave the room for more than a literal second."
Caitlin's eyes swiveled back to the other man, her teeth beginning to nibble on her lower lip. She didn't know how long she'd been out, but she knew Barry shouldn't be there, crammed uncomfortably in that chair, waiting for her to wake. She had hurt him and he was still here, being so sweet and loving. She really didn't deserve him.
"How long was I out?"
The engineer took a second, trying to count out the time. "A little over 48 hours now."
That fact caused the doctors to widen her eyes. "I've been out for two whole days?!" she asked incredulously. She tried to keep her voice low, but apparently it wasn't low enough since Barry began to stir.
His eyes fluttered open, looking at her confusingly for a second, before he was quickly on his feet. "Cait!" he let out, his face breaking out into a relieved grin. "You're awake! How - how do you feel? Do you feel okay? I can call Lesley-"
"Lesley?" she repeated back confusingly, but shook her head nonetheless. "Barry, no, it's fine. I'm fine. Still a little drowsy, but fine."
He nodded his head, though she could still see the remnant of fright in his eyes. "You gave us a big scare there, so I'm glad you're finally up."
"What even happened? I don't remember anything after Fistpuncher twisted the knife into me."
She saw Barry flinch as his eyes diverted downwards. "He - he punched you a couple times, but I was able to push him off of you before he did too much damage, and then Cisco came back to help and we were able to bring you back here."
"I know Fistpuncher punches hard, but with his abilities on the decline, how was I still out for two days?" she expressed confusingly. "My healing powers are sometimes better than Barry's and he only was out a few hours."
Barry and Cisco both looked at each other, both expressing some apprehension.
"Well, the icicle you got stabbed with was stuck inside of you, and your body kept trying to fight off that wound while your other injuries were being neglected," Cisco chimed in, his eyes sad now that he was recalling it. "Barry vibrated the icicle until it melted, but your systems were failing and your body had been through so much that your healing wasn't occuring fast enough…"
She licked her lips, taking all this information in, her brain trying to process the injuries she had undergone and trying to come up with a solution to rectify it, but she couldn't. A sense of dread overcame her as she trepidly asked, "So then...how am I okay?"
Barry looked up at her with his patented puppy-dog eyes. "I...I injected you with your speedy healing medicine."
That threw her. "You what?"
"It was the only thing we could do to save you."
She could feel her defensive walls rising. "It has never been tested on humans before, Barry!"
"You're fine though."
And higher. "We don't know that for sure! We don't even know if there could be any short or long term side effects!"
"You were dying!"
And higher. "I don't care, Barry."
"Well I do!" he hollered back, chest heaving.
She sternly shook her head, mind made up. "It was reckless, Barry. I've been working on that for years! You - you could've compromised the whole experiment!"
"And I'd do it again! I'm not going to regret doing anything I could to keep you alive, Cait. I'm not."
"Leave."
His head sprung backwards like she had physically slapped him. "What?" he softly questioned.
"Leave, Barry," she pleadingly asked, rubbing at her temples. "I can't deal with this all right now - I'm still tired and I just...I just need some space."
He frowned, the optimism and hope in his eyes shattering at the request. Part of her wanted to apologize for being so harsh, to bring some of that lightness back, but she had to remain steadfast about this.
After overcoming his initial shock, he meekly nodded his head, his eyes on the ground. "Yeah, sure, fine," he whispered before speeding away.
Caitlin tiredly sighed as she let her head drop back against the bed, closing her eyes. She knew she just drove the wedge between them further, but it's what needed to be done. He couldn't just take something that didn't belong to him and use it for his wishes - even if it did end up saving her life. The end didn't justify the means.
"You happy now?"
Her eyes snapped open to face Cisco who she had forgotten was still in the room. "What are you talking about?" she miserably mumbled.
"You made Barry leave."
"Cisco, he had no right to use my medicine."
"That's not the issue here and you know it," he told her, his eyebrows set in determination as he crossed his arms. "The fact that he went out of his way to save you and has stayed by your side the whole time unsettles you."
She rolled her eyes. "That's ridiculous."
"What's ridiculous is that you keep trying to convince yourself that Barry doesn't actually love you, but his actions show how much he does, and you know it too, so you push him away."
"I'm not pushing him away - I said I just needed space, which I'm still not getting," she said, pointedly looking at Cisco, eyebrows raised for further emphasis.
"Fine...have your precious space," he said as he threw up his hands in exasperation. "If Fistpuncher couldn't literally knock some sense into you, I don't know what will."
Caitlin sighed. "Cisco," she started, but her friend was already out of the room. With that realization, she slumped down in her cot, the silence around her buzzing. She immediately wished she hadn't asked for space since now she was only left alone with her treacherous thoughts.
Was she pushing Barry away? Part of her genuinely felt upset that Barry had used the medicine and may have potentially ruined its progress. But she also knew that if the situation had been reversed, she probably would've used the serum too. She loved him, after all, and would go to the ends of the multiverse to save him if she had to. And maybe - just maybe - that showed that Barry really did love her like he claimed.
She shook her head. She didn't want to entertain the idea. She was still adamant that he was confused and that she was just a rebound or a safe choice. Even if he did feel that way, she just...couldn't. He deserved better than her tragic, broken self. And she was afraid that being with Barry Allen in all the ways she's always yearned for would only lead to more tragedy and brokenness.
...
"Barr?"
He looked up from his computer to see his foster father standing in the threshold of his lab at the CCPD the next morning. The forensic scientist internally groaned - he was really hoping that no one would've realized he came in.
"What are you doing here?" Joe asked, stepping into his lab, dropping a folder for a case on his desk that Barry presumed was the reason he was even upstairs. Joe looked at him a little harder. "Or should I be asking how long have you been here?"
"I just wanted to get a leg up on the stuff I missed before Christmas tomorrow," he half fibbed, and ignored the second question entirely.
"And you left Caitlin?"
At the sound of her name, a whirlwind of emotions swirled through his chest. It felt like the typical butterflies, but these butterflies also seemed to have blades for wings. "Well...she woke up last night, and she's fine," he muttered, trying not to sound bitter or upset, but one look at Joe was enough to know he was failing terribly at it.
Joe put his hands to his hips as he regarded him softly. "What happened?"
He wrung his hand around his neck. "She got mad at me for using this experimental medicine that she had been developing on her," he explained. "But she was going to die, Joe!" he quickly interjected to justify his actions. "I couldn't just let her die without trying everything I could to save her."
The older man quietly nodded his head, understanding Barry's predicament. Joe knew when it came to the people you loved that you'd do anything for them. "Just give her some time, Barr."
Barry's hand migrated deep into his hair, tugging on the strands. "I just feel like she hates me now."
"Caitlin could never hate you," Joe was quick to assure him, leveling Barry with a knowing, confident look.
He shook his head, unconvinced. "Well I know she surely doesn't love me…"
Joe's inquisitive raised eyebrow prompted Barry to elaborate.
"The day before she got hurt and all, I had told her that I loved her…"
The detective's eyes widened in interest. "And she said she didn't feel the same?" he asked dubiously.
"Well...she never really said anything back, but she'd been kinda ignoring me…and then we got into an argument last night over the medicine and she asked me to leave...so the odds of her feeling the same feel very slim right now."
"Like I said, just give her some time. Either way - whether she loves you back or not - you dropped a bombshell on her and she needs to process it."
Reluctantly, Barry nodded, but it was hard to give her space when he wanted nothing more than to hold her into his arms. It was hard to give her time when he felt like she was slipping through his fingers every second he waited. He was just afraid of losing her, in any capacity, as just a friend or more.
"I'm gonna head out - took of early to help Cecile with prepping," Joe then said, pointing to the exit. "You need anything?"
The speedster shook his head, his mind restless as he looked for a distraction. "Unless you might know Fistpuncher's exact location..."
"Fortunately not, but I have a team monitoring the sewers and another monitoring any exits out of the city, so we at least know he's still in Central City…somewhere…"
"He must've found a new hiding spot," Barry bitterly muttered before pursing his lips, annoyed that nothing seemed to be able to fall into place for him right now. He couldn't get the girl. He couldn't catch the bad guy. Both were tearing him apart inside. "I'm going to comb through his info again to see if I can find any new leads."
"Don't push yourself too hard though, okay?" Joe warned him as he started to walk out, and while Barry distractedly waved his hand in acknowledgement at Joe's words, he knew he wouldn't be doing much else.
.
The second the sun shone into the lab, Caitlin was up and back to working on whatever could preoccupy her mind the longest. She knew she should probably take it easy today and go home, but being home just reminded her too much of Barry. In hindsight, she shouldn't have let them make her place the unofficial spot for their rendezvous. And while being at STAR Labs stirred up memories of him too, at least it also had work that required her concentration, stopping her mind from straying too much.
"Nice to see that you're up and at it!"
She looked away from her computer to face her visitor, a look of bewilderment immediately overcoming her features. "Joe?"
He chuckled as he entered the room, taking a seat on one of the nearby chairs. "You look surprised to see me."
"Well…" she started, mouth bobbing, "you usually just come in for Barry, but he's not here…"
"I know," he told her simply, watching her with a small twinkle in his eyes. "I just left from talking to him and I heard you were up, so I wanted to check on you myself."
Caitlin found herself smiling appreciatively towards the older man, the walls she had built overnight, softening ever so slightly. Joe always reminded her of her own father - the same temperament and dedication and goodness. "I'm fine, Joe."
He sat back, assessing her quietly for a moment. "But you don't sound fine."
A nervous laugh slipped past her lips. She had the sudden urge to turn back around and finish the calculations she had been in the middle of. Anything to avoid this conversation. "I can assure you, I'm fine. Leslie even stopped by earlier and cleared me himself."
"I don't mean physically," Joe said, crossing his arms, continuing to watch her. "Barry told me about your fight."
Her heart leapt at the speedster's name. "I see…"
"You know he never wanted to make you upset, right?"
Caitlin sighed. "Of course," she answered without hesitation. "It's just…"
"...that he's also in love with you?"
She closed her eyes briefly. "He told you about that too?" she reluctantly asked.
Joe's face softened. "Listen, I don't want to overstep any boundaries. Any troubles you're having with Barry are between you and him. I genuinely came to see if you were alright, but I can tell you're not. At least, not emotionally. So if there is something you want to get off your chest, I'm all ears..."
"But Barry-"
"-will never hear a word," he was quick to assure.
Her face crumpled. She always prided herself on being able to hold her emotions in and remain stoic, but her resolve was trembling, like all the emotions she had been trying to lock away - from the past few days to the last few years - were pressing heavily down against her, ready to burst. She was tired of holding it all in. "I'm torn," she quietly admitted.
"Torn?"
Biting on her lower lip, she nodded.
"Torn about what?"
"I - I want to be with him, Joe. I do. So much."
He lifted a brow. "But?" he supplied.
Lifting her hands, she emptily gestured in front of her. "But...but I'm cursed," she told him, a few tears escaping down her cheeks. "Dead fiance turned into a dead husband. Flings have ended up evil or dead or both. Barry has already escaped death too many times to count, many right on my operating table…It hasn't happened yet, but losing him feels inevitable..."
A recognition passed over Joe's face. "Oh, Caitlin…"
"I would never ask him to give up being The Flash - I know how much that means to him - but while losing him as a friend would hurt, losing him as someone I loved wholeheartedly and carved a future with...that would kill me, Joe. I know it," she confessed, voice cracking, before breaking down and letting herself freely sob.
The detective immediately stood to engulf her into his arms, holding her tightly and securely as he rubbed her back soothingly, waiting patiently for her to calm down.
When her cries did finally quieten, Joe pulled back, outstretching his arms so that he could look her square in the eye. "You've had to deal with a lot of tragedy in your life, Caitlin, and I understand the hesitance to put your heart back out there, especially when someone like Barry is in constant danger, but wouldn't it be worth it to be with him and happy than not? Whether that's for 50 years or only 50 minutes?"
Their arrangement had been like a trial run for what a real relationship with Barry could be like. With that knowledge, she knew she'd be happy with him, and knew it would be fulfilling too. She could clearly picture romantic nights in or out, baking mishaps, and dancing around the apartment to Grease, but she was quick to vehemently shake her head, refusing to let herself indulge in such fantasies. "It doesn't matter. It still wouldn't work out."
Joe cocked his head to the side. "And what makes you think that?"
"I'm still not the one he's destined to be with."
The detective's face was impassive, but she knew him well enough to know he was trying to mask the pity he was feeling towards her in his prolonged gaze, struggling to find words to say next.
"So see," Caitlin defeatingly continued. "What's the point?"
"Caitlin, no, hey," he softly started, making sure she was looking at him before he resumed. "Listen, I get it. Hell, I thought Iris' mom, Francine, was the one. That she was my only future. I was so convinced that I continued to wear my wedding ring long after she left us. But in the end, by being that stubborn to such an ideology, I only lost more time I could've instead had with Cecile, who I know now makes me so immensely happy," he said, smiling as he thought of the older woman fondly. "Barry and Iris realized that one's destiny doesn't always equal happiness, so they're trying to forge their own destinies, and Barry seems to be trying to do that with you."
Her breath hitched and her heart stuttered as she mulled that information over, but she was still unsure.
"Caitlin, I've known Barry a long time, but these last couple months really have been some of the happiest I've ever seen him, and you were responsible for that," he told her, giving her an encouraging smile. "No future mumbo jumbo is dictating that."
When the doctor stayed silent, Joe touched her shoulder reassuringly. "Just think about it, okay?"
She numbly nodded, her mind still very much on Joe's words.
"I have to head home and help Cecile with the rest of the preparations. You're still coming to our Christmas Eve party tonight, right?"
Her head snapped up, taken aback. "I - I didn't even realize that was tonight," she stuttered. Mini coma or not, she felt foolish for not noticing the date. "I don't even think I have anything to wear…" she commented, mentally thinking of the dresses she had stored in her closet.
"Pretty sure a certain forensic scientist wouldn't care if you showed up in sweats or a paper bag…"
Caitlin felt herself blushing, before clearing her throat. "I'll think about it."
.
The young doctor was still mulling it over even as she arrived at her apartment complex a few hours later. One moment she felt sure about going to the party and then in the next she would change her mind. In the entire elevator ride up to her floor alone, she had changed her mind about 5 different times.
The problem was that she wanted to be there. She loved the annual party and the high spirits it left everyone. In their line of work, it was nice to have these small moments of tranquility. It also made her feel like she was a part of a real family again, because despite her relationship with her mother progressing over the years, the Snow residence would never feel as warm and inviting as Joe West's would - not anymore.
But the other problem was that she didn't know what Barry was going to do, or what she was going to do about Barry, and she undoubtedly would find out since they'd both be there. It didn't help that the last time they spoke, she had told him to leave. What if he realized that his feelings for her were wrong after that? She didn't think she could take that kind of rejection, especially not on Christmas Eve of all days. She was torn between her own curiosity and salvaging her already fragile heart.
With a sigh, she exited the elevator and walked down the hall to her apartment. However, as she approached, she saw a square-shaped package all wrapped up on her doorstep. Her first instinct, after years of being on Team Flash, was to call Cisco to have him test if it was a bomb - flashbacks to Trickster popping in her head - but then she recognized the handwritten scrawl on the tag and knew it could only come from one person.
Hesitantly, she picked up the box and was surprised to find it on the heavy side. Raising her brow in confusion, she entered her apartment and immediately placed the present on the coffee table, where she eyed it with both trepidation and curiosity. Knowing Barry, she didn't think it would be anything bad, but she still didn't know what to expect.
Intaking a breath of courage, she peeled off the wrapping paper and opened up the box the actual gift was encased in. However, her confusion only doubled when she saw that it was a white jar.
"What?" she whispered to herself as she took it out, admiring the ceramic piece and snorting at the hexagonal shapes of the skeletal formula for flour inscribed on the side. Suddenly she remembered that Barry had broken her original one, the morning after their first time to be specific. She frowned as her thumbs swiped over the jar. It wasn't exactly what her old one was like, but she found herself liking this one more.
Subconsciously hugging the jar to her chest, she went to take it into her kitchen, however, she was quick to hear something softly rustling inside of it. Perplexed, she lifted the top of the container, only to cover her mouth in awe as she saw an accordion of photos taped to the underside of the lid.
Slowly, she pulled it out, her eyes ranking in the photos one by one, the many memories they each stirred up getting her misty-eyed. The pictures were all from the past couple months with most being of them together, but some of them were just of her. Some she remembered taking, like the ridiculous Instagram filter one. Others she didn't recall, like the one of her sleeping on her couch. All she could decipher from each one though is that she looked happy and peaceful, which induced a pang to her heart.
As she lifted the last bit of the photos out of the container, the last accordion spot was free of a photo, but instead was covered in Barry's handwriting.
Cait,
I don't know if I'll see you at Joe's or not, but I wanted to make sure you got my present in time for Christmas. I've been meaning to get you a new flour jar ever since I broke your original a couple months ago. Sorry it took so long, but I hope you like it. It seemed like someone you would like.
Caitlin took a moment to smile, silently nodding her head, agreeing. It was definitely the type of thing she liked.
Also, I'm sorry if I've made things awkward between us with my confession - that was never my intention. It's okay if you don't feel the same, honestly, but I think it was time that you knew how I felt. Either way, I wanted you to know that these last couple of months with you have been some of the best of my life, containing some of my favorite memories ever, which I wanted to share with you, hoping that some of them carry good memories for you too despite everything.
Love,
Barry
Her heart galloped at his words. And the way he signed off. Did that mean…? Was there a chance? She quickly looked at the time on her watch. Damn, she needed to find something to wear and fast!
.
She could tell the party was in full swing as she approached the West household. She could hear the Christmas music blaring and the laughter of her friends inside. She pulled at the festive red dress she managed to find, second-guessing herself if it was nice enough or not. No matter what Joe said about Barry not caring what she wore, she cared. She could lounge around in a sweater and joggers any other day with him, but tonight was different. Tonight everything would change, and hopefully for the better.
Before she could convince herself otherwise, she knocked on the door. Almost immediately, Joe's friendly face opened it, his smile widening when he saw it was her. "Hello, Caitlin," he greeted her warmly. "Nice of you to join us."
She meekly nodded her head as she walked into the house, trying not to feel the weight of eyes on her as she did.
"You want some of Grandma Esther's eggnog?"
"Yes, please," she quickly replied, causing the detective to let out a chuckle.
As Joe headed to the kitchen, Caitlin turned to the living room to find everyone spread out, chatting animatedly with each other. All except for Barry, who was sitting in the chair by the fireplace, looking over at her. As their gazes met, he hesitantly lifted his hand, offering her a small wave. The action brought a smile to her face as she raised her hand back.
"He's been watching the door the entire evening, hoping you'd show up," a voice said in her ear, making her jump.
She turned to see Cisco laughing at her fright.
"Cisco…" she started, ready to jokingly berate him, before the memory of how she treated him the last time they spoke washed over her, making her voice and demeanor swiftly soften, "I'm sorry for yesterday."
He shrugged. "We've been friends for a while now. I know you can be a pain in the ass with your stubbornness."
She faked a gasp as she pushed his shoulder. "Hey!"
"What? It's true!" he said, though she knew he meant it in good nature. "Glad you're here though, because I decided to bring Rhonda…"
Her face lit up. "Ohhh, so I can finally meet this new girlfriend of yours?!" she excitedly asked, overjoyed for him.
"Yes, yes, but don't be embarrassing me and making me regret bringing her," he playfully warned.
"I can't make any promises. You know I get excited about these things," she told him. "I'm just really glad you found someone you're happy with. You deserve that."
"So do you," he pointedly redirected, both of them briefly glancing over at the speedster across the room, who turned his head away at that exact moment, trying to look captivated by the garland hanging over the fireplace to hide the fact that he had been looking at them just moments before. "Ah, dios - you two!"
Caitlin giggled. "I'll talk to him later. I promise."
He nodded. "Good," he affirmed. "But before that, let me introduce you to Rhonda," he excitedly gushed, before guiding her over to his new girlfriend.
.
Barry tried to bide his time. He didn't want to appear too eager or desperate to talk to Caitlin alone, and he especially didn't want to take her away from talking with others when it seemed like she was having a good time. He half wondered if she got his present and if she liked it, but ultimately he was dying to know where they stood. But for now, he was content that she was acting more like her usual self around him by sending smiles his way and laughing at things he said as they spoke in groups.
However, as the night dragged on and everyone began gathering their stuff and leaving, he still hadn't gotten to speak to her alone. He had been hoping he could catch her before she left too, but she seemed to be nowhere in sight.
"Hey, Joe, have you seen Caitlin?"
Joe looked around the house, raising a brow. "No, no, I haven't seen her for a little while now. Maybe she went home."
The speedster's shoulders fell and he couldn't hide the frown that took over his face.
"But hey," Joe started, noticing the drop in his son's demeanor, "her coming was a step in the right direction, no?"
He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I guess…"
"It'll be alright, Barr," the older man assured him. "Why don't you just head to bed? It's been a long day for you."
Nodding, Barry sulleningly trudged up the stairs to go to his bedroom. With a sigh, he pushed open his door only to freeze in his tracks immediately. "Caitlin?" he called out in confusion, before noticeably swallowing at the image of her perched on his bed, her dress innocently riding up the one side.
"So this is your room, huh?"
"Uhhh," Barry unintelligibly let out as he frantically shut - and locked (just in case) - his bedroom door. "Yeah. Yeah it is. But you - you've been in here before," he pointed out.
"The only time I was ever in here was when I came looking for you after Everyman tied you up," she replied with a wry grin. "And I was a little more worried about you in that moment to really take in the decor."
And like a balloon popping, Barry felt the anxiety he had been feeling all night release as he let out a laugh. "Fair enough."
She nodded but started nervously nibbling on her lower lip. He half-wondered what was bothering her, and if that reason was why she was here.
"You know...he kissed me..."
His eyes bulged. That...was not what he was expecting her to say. "Who? Leslie?"
"What? No! I mean, yes, yes he did, but that's not who I'm talking about."
"Wait, Leslie kissed you?"
"Barry! Focus!"
"Right, right. Not important." With that he clamped his lips shut and gave a clipped nod.
"Everyman," she finally clarified. "When he was disguised as you, he kissed me."
Barry's brows furrowed. "Why are you telling me this? This was years ago."
His personal physician sighed, licking her lips. "Because I kissed him back, Barry. Because in that moment, I thought he was you…"
The speedster found his jaw going slack, unable to form words. He wasn't sure what she was trying to say. He had hopes of what she meant, but he didn't want to assume and get them crushed.
"All I'm trying to say here is that these...feelings...that I have for you, Barry" - his heart felt like it catapulted - "I've had them for a long time…"
"You...you have feelings for me?" he disbelievingly questioned, though a growing smile began overtaking his face nonetheless as his heart pleasantly burned. It was taking every inch of the restraint he had to not flash himself to her and kiss her senseless.
Her lips twitched upwards but he was quick to notice that she didn't look as ecstatic as he was currently feeling. His own smile waned. "What's wrong? Do...do you not want to have these feelings for me?"
"Barry…"
"I know I'm not the strongest or smartest, and that my emotions sometimes get the better of me, but I can try to work on those things."
"Barry, no, that's not - I wouldn't want to change anything about you," she compassionately told him, but her hands were nervously wrangling around each other. "It just...it just feels a little too convenient that you're suddenly in love with me right as we started sleeping together."
"You think I'm confusing my libido for my feelings?" he asked as he took a careful seat on the edge of his bed next to her, frowning as he assessed her continuing uncertainty.
She hopelessly shrugged. "I don't know, you tell me."
He shook his head. "Cait, that's the furthest thing from the truth. Gahh, I - I was falling in love with you way before we even started our agreement."
Her beautiful brown eyes widened ever so slightly, and even though her doubt was still present, Barry liked to think he saw a glimmer of hope shine through too. "But still, why now?" she asked wretchedly. "I've been here all along, so why did it take you until now to finally see me?"
Barry's heart broke at the vulnerability in her voice. "Hey, no," he let out, shaking his head. "I saw you, Caitlin. God, I don't know how anyone couldn't see you," he told her, looking at her in disbelief. She was a vision with a personality and goodness that made her glow even further.
"From the moment I met you, I was captivated and intrigued by you and your wealth of knowledge and insight. You became so important to me so soon after I met you that I honestly didn't know how to explain it, but now I know that it was because I was already falling for you. I should've realized it sooner - but I knew on some level there was something there. Hell, I almost asked you out after our karaoke night."
"Then why didn't you?"
Air blew out his nose. "Because you weren't ready."
Caitlin scoffed, turning her body away from him slightly.
"And neither was I," Barry quickly added, craning his neck to meet her gaze. "Selfishly, I didn't want to be your rebound, and you deserved better than being mine."
She looked back up at him, the annoyance slowly melting away from her demeanor.
"Caitlin," he started again as he bravely reached out to take ahold of one of her hands, "you deserved to be with someone who would give you their whole heart, and back then, I was still dealing with all my feelings for Iris to give that to you."
"And now?" she softly questioned.
"It's all yours," he confirmed, placing her hand directly over his heart, hoping she could feel how erratic it was beating under the surface simply because she was present.
She slowly retracted her hand from his chest and then his hand. "But you miss Iris. I heard you say that to her the other day, and she said she missed you too. Obviously things aren't as resolved as you think."
He shook his head. "Caitlin, we were saying that as friends - as people who spent so much of their lives together and now suddenly they're not."
"I'm sorry if I'm sounding erratic," she apologized, "but I just don't want to get hurt because I tried to get in the middle of this destiny thing between you two..."
"You won't, because me and Iris are through," he told her.
Caitlin gave him an unconvinced stare.
"We are!" he insisted. "When we got together, we quickly realized that we wanted different things out of our lives and out of our relationship. We tried to stay together - when the future tells you you're supposed to be with one person, you keep trying to justify staying with them - but it was only making us more unhappy and more resentful. It's like we kept waiting for the relationship to feel right but it never did."
"I'll admit, I was heartbroken when we ended things. I really wanted my childhood dream of being with Iris to be as amazing as I thought it would be, but in hindsight it was turning into a nightmare. A newspaper byline doesn't tell you the whole story and I'm sick of the future dictating how to live my life…"
"I want to love who I want to love simply because that is what feels right, and, Caitlin," he said, pausing to lock eyes with hers, "being with you has always felt right."
His personal physician's lips trembled, her face a conflicting storm. "It feels right for me too, and that's one reason why I love you," she told him, and he swore his heart skipped a beat at her actually saying those three words to him for the first time. "I'm just petrified that I'm going to get you...only to lose you..."
"I'm petrified of that too," he told her as he reached for her hands again, needing her touch as an extra confirmation that she was actually okay and actually there in front of him and that he wasn't dreaming all of this up. "Since the moment I met you, I have been scared to lose you - as a doctor, a friend, a partner. Every time you've ever been kidnapped or injured, I felt like I could never breathe, like my world was ending. I'd go out of my mind with worry until I knew you were alright."
Looking down at their hands, she slowly made to interlock them. "I'm okay, Barry," she told him, reading right through his behavior.
He absently nodded as he took the moment to absorb the feeling of her cool hands in his, her pulse steadily resonating through the touch. "Especially after everything that happened with Fistpuncher the other day, all I want to do is bunker down somewhere in the middle of nowhere with you and never leave."
That enticed a small laugh from his companion, making him reflexively smile before turning solemn one again. "I'm also petrified that one day you'll wake up and realize I was the reason for so much of your pain - and that you'd realize that you'd be better off without me in your life."
She tilted her head, frowning. "Hey," she gently interjected. "You were never a reason for any of my pain," she continued, her face somehow both stern and soft as she regarded him. "I was in a bad place when we met, and I've been through more tough times since, but, if anything, you were the light through all of it...you've saved my life, Barry…"
He felt like the air had been knocked out of his lungs and quickly pumped back in. "Well...um…" he let out over a chuckle as he wiped at his face, ridding a stray tear that managed to escape from his eye. Hearing that from her...it meant so much. It didn't vanquish the fear, but it did alleviate some of the worry that had been stacking up on his shoulders over the years. "I - I don't think I have to tell you how many times you've saved my life too. I'm really glad you don't charge me anything," he weakly joked.
A soft smile grew across her face as she squeezed his hands reassuringly.
"I guess what I'm just trying to say is that fear has driven so many of my decisions, but things could've been better if I didn't succumb to those fears. I was afraid that my true feelings would push you away, so I refrained from asking you out or telling you how I felt. It's why I kept pursuing our arrangement despite wanting more, because the agreement only showed me more sides of you that I didn't want to risk losing if you didn't feel the same. But you did, you did feel the same, and we lost time."
"You weren't the only one that succumbed to those fears though, Barry."
"I know," he acknowledged, offering her a smile as he caressed her cheek affectionately. "So let's both stop living in fear. We don't know what tomorrow holds, so we should try to treasure every moment we do have in the present, right?"
"Right," she softly answered through a tightness of emotions, but a genuine smile overcame her face nonetheless.
"So...does that mean we're going to give us a try?"
Her lips wavered through her grin, her eyes getting starry. "I'd love nothing more."
Barry beamed, a giddiness filling him up. "Yeah?"
She giggled as she nodded her head. "Yes," she confirmed.
Elated, the speedster cupped both sides of her face and guided her into a blissful kiss, smiling lips and all, as they poured all the compacted emotions they had been harboring for so long into this embrace. He could feel his speed racing through his body, the electricity thrumming under his skin. He felt so free to have her know he loved her and even freer to know she loved him back. If it weren't for her lips gliding over his and her one hand snaking up his chest, anchoring him to this moment, he figured he might float away from the high he was currently experiencing.
It wasn't until Caitlin unbuckled his belt and popped the button open on his pants did the fog that had been encasing his mind start to clear, making him realize his own hands were high on her thigh and unzipping the back of her dress.
He pulled back, panting. "We...we might want to stop, you know, before things go a little too far..."
She bit down on her lip, those brown eyes of hers looking so innocent and shy but somehow also seductive and alluring as its shade got richer with the passing seconds. "Would it be a bad thing if we let it get…far?"
He swallowed. "…Uh...no..." - a nervous chuckle slipped from his lips - "But I - I thought maybe you would want to take this whole thing slow…"
She smiled as her hand distractedly played with the hair on the back of his neck, making his lips twitch into a smile. "We can take our time when it comes to the bigger commitments of a relationship, but I think something like sex - which is something we've had quite a lot of already - shouldn't be something we deprive ourselves of just for the sake of saying we went slow."
She then leaned back to boldly pull her dress off her shoulders, letting gravity do the rest of the work for her as the material dropped to the floor.
Barry's eyes darted downwards, taking in her naked form, already feeling the blood rushing to a certain area. "A very good point," he thickly agreed, and in one fell swoop, he had lifted her up and laid her down in the center of his bed.
The duo lightly giggled to themselves before sharing a slow, drawn out kiss, their bodies reflexively moving against each other, building the already insurmountable want. His heart thunderously drummed in his ears as the heat being created between them left him feeling ablazed, like fire was coursing through his veins instead of his speed.
Tearing himself away from their embrace, he leaned back on his knees to pull his sweater over his head, sighing in relief as the coolness of the room slapped against him. He cooed further as Caitlin's wintry touch felt up his scorched body and pressed chilled kisses down his torso. As her lips got closer to his groin, she tugged at his pants, trying to pull them down, and whining when she couldn't get very far.
"Someone is eager," he teased with a glint in his eyes, smirking. He was always so amused that his usually patient personal physician sometimes became the complete opposite in bed.
"Well someone always seems to be severely overdressed," she playfully quipped, tugging at his pants some more.
He merely chuckled before falling next to her on the bed so he could kick his pants and boxer briefs off the rest of the way.
"Finally," she murmured, causing him to chuckle, forever amused that his usual patient doctor was sometimes the complete opposite in bed. She turned to her side and began sashaying her fingers over his pectoral muscles with a satisfying mirth. "You're very sexy, Barry," she told him, as her petite hand wrapped around his growing erection.
Barry grunted as she began sliding her hand up and down his shaft rhythmically, all the while watching him with a small serene smile on her face that wreaked havoc with his heart. He wasn't used to being seen as appealing like this, but with Caitlin he always felt attractive and desirable; the most comfortable he's ever felt with a partner. He leaned forward, sweetly cupping her cheek to guide her to his awaiting lips, kissing her leisurely because he didn't want to rush anything about this, while their hands sensually groped and caressed the other.
Caitlin let out an approving hum against his lips when Barry began rubbing slow circles over her vulva and clit. He abandoned her mouth only to press feather-like kisses against her cheeks, eyelids, forehead and nose, captivated and elated by how serene and satisfied she seemed under his touch with her eyes blissfully closed, mouth parted and her chest lightly heaving. He could feel her growing more wet by the second, but he wanted to shower her with pleasure and show her how much he loved her.
Brushing her hair to the side, the speedster trailed hot open kisses down her neck and around each breast. He dragged his tongue over her pert nipples and drew tantalizing circles with his thumb around the areolas, relishing in the way her thighs rubbed together, pleasantly squirming under him.
"Ohh," she exhaled, her eyes dazed under the building pleasure as he trailed more kisses down her body until he reached the apex of her thighs. He licked and kissed the tender area on both legs, her breath hitching whenever he would get close to her womanhood.
Moments later, he caught her eyes, all heady and wild. Without her saying a word, he knew what she wanted, so after sending her a wink he leaned forward and ran his tongue along her labia, becoming delighted when he saw her eyes squeeze shut and her teeth bite down on her lower lip as she suppressed a moan. Encouraged by her reaction, he delved further into her pussy, moaning in delight as his tongue lapped at her folds and clit. He was too deep to keep looking at her, but he could tell he was pleasing her by the way her hands were scraping at his scalp and needingly fisting the sheets as she let out subdued carnal groans.
Eventually, to add even more stimulation, he inserted a finger into her pussy, followed quickly with a second. His sweet doctor's hips reflexively rose to meet with his fingers' pumps, her groans morphing into something akin to a whine. "Oh Barry...I want you..." she panted.
Already feeling that she was more than ready and wanting the exact thing himself, he rose back to his knees. "Your wish is my command, Dr. Snow," he charmingly told her as he reached for the condoms in his bedside table.
After placing the condom on, he got in between her legs and suspended himself over her, admiring the flush of their activity against her porcelain skin. "You're so beautiful, Cait," he said as he kissed just below her ear then across her jaw before reaching her plump lips. He gave her a sweet peck as he pushed his hips forward, his dick easily gliding into her womanhood, both letting out sounds of approval as he settled himself fully inside her.
Clasping one set of their hands together, he began to slowly undulate his hips against hers. Content smiles made their way across their faces as they affectionately nuzzled their noses before their natural pull brought their lips together to exchange soft, languid kisses as he kept up his strokes.
He couldn't help but marvel at every feeling flooding through him, from the way her erect nipples were grazing against his chest with every thrust to how sweet her lips tasted from the desserts she ate at the party to the love that was filling his heart like it was going to burst. They've been in this position before - obviously - but every sensation felt a million times more magnified now. It was the first time he truly felt like they were one.
"Mmm, you feel so good," she told him, the compliment urging him to up his tempo. In further response, she lifted her legs to wrap them around his back, allowing for him to thrust in her even deeper, causing both parties to pleasurably groan.
As he continued to plunge into her, he could feel his orgasm on the horizon. He reached between them, his thumb rubbing over her clit, causing her mouth to pop open in silent ecstasy. Knowing he didn't have much time himself, he then vibrated his thumb, knowing it would push her over the edge.
Barely a second later, he felt her unravel like a ball of yarn around him as her orgasm rolled through. "That's...ohhh...B-arry, ohhhhh," she crooned before burying her face into the crook of his neck to muffle the rest of her moans as he kept up with his strokes until he cummed a few moments later.
Taking a moment to get his breathing under control, Barry stayed hovered over Caitlin, who was in a similar panting state. He took a second to smilingly push a strand of hair away from her face and appreciate her natural beauty. "I'm glad you came."
Her nose cutely scrunched up as she tilted her head. "Don't let this get to your pretty little head," she started, taking a second to even her breathing still, "but you have made me cum each time we've had sex - sometimes more than once - so..."
He smirked, hard to not feel smug about it, before clearing his throat. "I meant the party - I'm glad you came to the Christmas party tonight."
Her eyes immediately widened, realizing her mistake. He found the way her face pinked to be simply adorable. "Right..the party…"
Barry chuckled as he extracted himself and fell next to her on the bed, where he slipped off the condom and quickly cleaned himself off with a tissue, offering one to Caitlin too. "I was really worried you weren't going to for a while."
"I almost didn't," she confessed, laying a kiss to his chest as she snuggled up against him. "But then I saw your present...or rather, presents..."
His lips split into a grin. "I guess you liked them then?"
"You know, normally guys give a girl flowers...not a flour jar…" - he chuckled, eyes crinkling - "but I loved it, and I loved the pictures too," she told him, lacing two of their hands together. "The last few months have contained a lot of my favorite memories too, especially this one we're currently in the middle of."
His smile only widened. "Me too," he agreed before their heads gravitated into a tender kiss.
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter - they finally talked! Lol! Would love to know what you thought of their conversation and the chapter in general. Did you guys remember the flour jar? Lol Believe it or not, I knew I would be bringing that back towards the end!
I'm sorry it's been 5 months since my last update, but I've been very very busy - with a new job, moving and finishing up my graduate degree. We still have at least one chapter's worth of stuff though - some more cute Snowbarry goodness and taking down Fistpuncher - so I hope you're ready!
REVIEW REPLY:
Thanks for reviewing RoyalZoid, Travelerdreams, noah dell, fallenhero57, CallMeMiles, FlashFrost645237, DeathCrawler, XWF1000, Buddy, and stars90
The Stoic: I do love some angst, but usually with the promise of better things ;) Thanks for reading and reviewing!
UnaIce: I would be a Flash writer in a heartbeat lol, but thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad you are able to picture this story so well. As for the Barry/Iris friendship, that was something I also enjoyed in s1, and considering how much they were a part of their lives, I didn't want to completely throw that away either. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing - I appreciate it!
Gothamnights: Fistpuncher is loosely based on the Batman villain Bane, yes. In name and strength, but I also added my own sort of twist to it. As for the Iris convo, I always have this vision of s1 Iris when I still liked her. At this point in the story, they've been broken up awhile and dealt with things, but I also felt like 1) the audience needed to see he was completely over her and 2) that he needed an objective opinion about Caitlin. Thanks for reading and reviewing though!
ShanouNash: With so much angst in this chapter, I hope you appreciate this one a lot more xD Happy Belated Birthday too lol. Thanks for reading and reviewing as always!
TinkStar97: I genuinely loved the friendship between Barry/Iris in s1 and felt like that's where it felt the most believable. And I agree, SB are great friends but if they were to get together it just feels like everything would be better. I also like Harry/Hermione, I always thought that was a cute pairing too! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
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