A/N:

Hello everyone! Here is another chapter for you! Check out the end notes for additional information (including a helpful family tree reference)!

As a heads up/trigger warning: this chapter has some heavy things going on, including referenced/implied past stalking, implied/referenced underage, implied/referenced dubious consent/nonconsent (pretty much Jin Guangshan is his own warning).

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Chapter 14: Do not, is not, can not

Mother said that he was born in the middle of a rainstorm. That's how he got his name. Mo Yu.

He wished he'd gotten to meet his grandfather, Mo Ai, courtesy Bolin, but he had died a long time ago. Mo Yu had been named after him as well, his mother always said. A double reference. The Mo blood had a tradition of storm names. A familial theme, rather than a specific generational poem. It was only when he was older that he came to question why his mother was named Mo Huilang.

Grandfather Mo Bolin had died when Mother was fourteen, a year before she met father. Before father met her. But mother always said that Grandfather Mo was the kindest, gentlest man she'd ever met. With a thick beard like storm clouds and twinkling eyes, with a warm smile and always ready to laugh. She said he had given wonderful hugs.

A man fiercely protective of his family. A man who had loved his children.

Sometimes, late at night, after Mother was gone, Mo Yu would hold himself and imagine what those hugs felt like.

Great-Grandmother Mo Yanwen, Mo Bolin's mother, had been running the Mo household for as long as Mo Yu could remember, and even longer before that. She'd been a sole heir, her husband had married in, of a prosperous gentry family that had put Mo Village on the map. Quite literally.

As Madam Mo she was formidable, especially to his young mind. And to many older minds as well. She was old, and stately. A sense of unbowed decorum about her, the kind who could look a queen even on top a rubbage pile. With stern eyes and a practical sharp mind. She cared about respect and advancement and honor and duty to the family. With an almost cruel practicality and deep understanding for the harshness of life. Madam Mo ruled with a demure gaze and an iron fist. Which mattered little to the world when marriage made her husband clan head in her stead.

Because Mo Village could not continue without a Mo at its head. At least in name. Blood could come later.

Without a Mo, it could become Chen Village, or Hua Village, or Ru Village, or any sort of name. But it wouldn't be Mo Village. It would be renamed and reshaped, and her ancestors' efforts, all that they'd built and loved, would be lost.

And so, because she did not want her bloodline to end with her. Because she wanted children. Because society allowed and expected little else, she was forced to marry.

He had married in.

She gave him her name. Her place. And her partner in life had left her only a mere household to run. Because that was how things were done.

Whether or not she would have ever ceded her position as the head of running the household to a daughter-in-law was an unknown, but it seemed difficult to imagine. And later became a moot point in an unexpected and terrible fashion.

The late Young Madam Mo, Grandfather's wife and Aunt Xia's mother, Kun Jing, died when an illness swept through the Mo household. It had taken out most of the staff, killing three servants, before finally claiming Great-Grandfather Mo Chenglei's life. With the Young Madam Mo following not long after. Mother had been eleven. Aunt Xia had been only seven.

The same age Mother had been when her mother, Grandmother Jian Qiao, had been killed.

Three years later, with the death of her only child and male heir (Mo Bolin), Madam Mo became the family head. Finally. A bitter reward. A widow, with two unmarried granddaughters. No sons.

Two unmarried granddaughters, without dowries, and little to recommend them. The family wealth and her late daughter-in-law's dowry had both been spent on one of her late husband's many failed business dealings. Many of which, had been carried out in shameful secret. Only to be discovered after his death, when his debtors had come to collect.

The family had only been saved from complete ruin by the quick intersection and tireless action of Mo Bolin. While mourning the death of his wife, father, and most of the servants he had grown up with, Mo Bolin had ridden up and down the province. Selling off valuables, liquidating every asset. Bartering property in trade to satisfy every debt. There had been no other immediate capital left with which to pay them. When he was done, their family had no debt, but no great riches either. Where they had once held great acres of land, little more than the immediate village remained. What was left over was like a shadow of what once was, a brief impression in the mud, of the wealth that Madam Mo Yanwen's family had built from nothing.

And to nothing, they would now return.

Most likely they could have recovered from this, with time. Mo Bolin had been many things, and his father was not one of them. With his hard work and honorable manner, combined with his mother's keen eye, many things could have been possible. But it was on the return from one of these trips that Mo Bolin, through a horse related accident, met his own untimely demise.

Mo Bolin had never liked horses. And before his father's death, he had never traveled far in use of them.

After the birth of Mo Xia, both Mo Yanwen and Mo Chenglei had insisted that their son have another child. And both Mo Bolin and Kun Jing had flatly refused. They had been good friends, and loving parents, despite their circumstances. But such insistence would not work on them again. They would not conceive again.

And now that route was cut off. Closed to them. Doubly.

With his death, there were no sons. And no funds.

Perhaps Madam Mo was resentful, some could speculate that she was even bitter. By her circumstances. By the tragic repeated losses she'd been forced to suffer, and then claw her way out of again. Others might say that she was practical, with little options, grasping at any glimpse of success. Trying to pave the best way forward.

A-Yu remembered his father. Or, well, he had one memory of him. It was the last time his father had made a visit. The last visit.

MaMa had been beside herself all morning. Crooning to him and fussing with his clothes, before turning around to fuss at her own appearance. In retrospect he could read the anxiety in her features, though she had done well hiding it from him at the time. He remembered being confused because she smelt weird, different than her usual earthy scent; not like the flour she'd make him treats with, and the forest they'd take long walks through.

The forest was their special time. Just for them.

No, now she smelt funny, like flowers but not. Her face was painted like a princess (his MaMa really was the most beautiful lady in the world, like a heavenly goddess descended to the lowly realm of mortals by some terrible coup, but with the certainty of time that she would ascend to her proper place once more! His young mind didn't have the words to conceptualize such an idea, and yet still he was certain of this). They said she'd blossomed early. The great beauty of Mo village.

MaMa had dressed them both in their best robes and had bathed even though it was still early-morning-gray-light instead of at night. The whole while MaMa had been telling him how handsome he looked, and how proud she was of him, and how he must be on his best behavior for his father; and reminding him of all his manners, how to bow, and how he mustn't call father 'father' to his face, unless they were alone. And he watched how mother was hiding her favorite things beneath the floorboards of their room: grandmother's sword and philosopher's books. Placing objects on the table MaMa normally called frivolous and great-grandmother called demure. But the fake flower smell was what was burned into his memory.

MaMa didn't like flowers. They made her sneeze. Why would she want to smell like one?

Father carried a sword. Wouldn't he like it if MaMa had one also?

But a message had been received, Father was coming.

They went into the formal receiving room and bowed low when Father came into the room at midday. They'd been waiting a long time and a-Yu had gotten tired. He wanted to crawl into MaMa's lap, but great-grandmother wouldn't let him, cause that would mess up MaMa's robes.

Father was tall like a mountain, and he smiled at them, but he felt cold like the winds at the top. Handsome, with a harsh beauty. Like how people sometimes described the wind in the crags in the story books that MaMa read him. Like how MaMa cried when she thought he was asleep at night. It made Mo Yu feel cold and a little shaky. Like when he'd kept his hands in the stream in the woods too long and his fingers got numb. He wanted to rub his arms and move away, but great-grandmother pinched his side, so he stayed still instead. Father kept smiling at MaMa.

MaMa stared at the floor.

MaMa always said to look people in the eye. MaMa always looked people in the eye.

Except for Father.

Years later, Mo Yu could remember that Father was a tall man in layered silks that were heavy and richer than anything Mo Yu had ever seen in the village markets. Father was fancier than anything in Mo Manor. With long oiled hair and a goatee. He had gemstones in his rings and a large golden sword, and he smiled at Great-Grandmother again, gilt thread glittering. And in later years that smile would remind Mo Yu of Aunt Xia, when she smiled at the servants. When she smiled at Mo Yu.

Like a kind word was an indulgence.

Father had sat with Mother, Great-Grandmother, Aunt Xia, and a-Yu for a brief tea, and had left not a shichen stick later. Taking mother by hand and leading her to MaMa and a-Yu's room. Afterwards, Great-Grandmother had sat in silence with a sharp gleam in her eye, as she watched the few Mo servants bring refreshments to Father's entourage of guards, while Aunt Xia excitedly chattered on about her own many wealthy suitors and wondered if who-and-who in town had saw Jin Guangshan arrive.

Some of the men Father had brought with him also wore gilt threaded clothes. Many of them carried swords as well. They were big, and enjoyed the wine. While they waited.

And waited.

Three hours later Father left MaMa and a-Yu's room. On his way out the Manor he'd grabbed a-Yu's chin in one hand, tilting his head back and forth to get a good look at his face.

"He's coming along well". He'd said.

Great-Grandmother had glowed. Father had then patted a-Yu's cheek twice. It reminded him of what the grannies at the market sometimes did, after they'd pinched his cheeks. Except these pats had kind of hurt.

Father hmm'd in a mildly interested manner. "Perhaps even a cultivator."

"With the child's ancestry, we could expect nothing less," Great-Grandmother said with a demure smile, watching Father. Father hmm'd again, and then he was gone.

They wouldn't let little a-Yu see MaMa again until an hour later. Her hair was wet, as if she'd taken another bath. Which was funny, since they'd already had one. When they let him back into his and MaMa's room she was sitting at her bureau, putting a pearl button into a drawer with shaking hands. For a second, he could see small, weird-shaped bruises on her neck, before she shifted her hair back into place, covering them. Then she smiled at him. And when she pulled him into her arms, her hands were no longer shaking.

His Mother was fifteen when Father first followed her home.

By the time they left the room for dinner, the family sword was back in its place of honor on MaMa's desk.

Once, MaMa had been a fifteen-year-old girl who had only wanted to run an errand 'real quick' at the market. Who had told the servants that she could go alone. Because she'd been familiar with the market, and the people there. It had been a safe space, once, and known to her. As safe as the inner courtyard of Mo Manor.

Once she was a fifteen-year-old girl.

MaMa said she'd first caught a glimpse of Father as he followed her through that market. MaMa was sixteen when a-Yu was born. It was Four years after he first followed her home, that Jin Guangshan came to visit for the last time.

A-Yu loved his MaMa, and his MaMa loved a-Yu.

When Mo Yu was twelve, he watched a priest inter his Mother to the ground.

If Father had received a letter about it, he never gave notice.

Mo Yu stood quietly behind Great-Grandmother Mo and Aunt Xia, fiddling with his white mourning belt. Listening to the priest speak. The only person crying was his six-year-old cousin, who was hungry and missing his nap. Mo Yu looked ahead he would not cry. Great-Grandmother had been stern about how he presented himself. He must not look weak, Father may be watching. He could not appear useless.

Great-Grandmother wouldn't let him carry the family sword to the funeral. She said they could not appear presumptuous.

The only persons wearing full mourning white was Aunt Xia, who would have felt no peace if she had not been seen in new finery for the occasion, and Mo Yanwen, in robes thirteen years old. It was barely noticeable where the moths had touched them.

Mo Yu held his head high and pretended not to hear the whispers about the source of his mother's illness, and the rumours of her activities. His eyes burning, but he didn't let the tears fall. And when he wanted to stay by the fresh turned earth a little longer, he didn't.

Aunt Xia brushed past him in a huff, ready to be back at the house. Her husband Shun Tu and little Mo Yunxu following behind. Great-Grandmother Mo Yanwen paused beside him as she turned from the grave, resting a gnarled hand briefly on his shoulder. Not biting for once.

"Have heart child, think, soon you will be a cultivator. It is in your blood. One day, the Jin will come." And better days for the Mo name too.

A-Yu nodded obediently as Great-Grandmother Mo Yanwen slowly walked away. She never accepted his assistance, and would always walk alone. It had took him awhile to understand that.

As he walked back to Mo Manor it started to rain. And he remembered.

"The sword's name is 'Yizhi' a-Yu, never forget that. Always believe in yourself, my perfect son."

"Yes, MaMa".

Mo Yu would be a cultivator one day.

He barely remembered his Father. But he did remember his MaMa.

He tilted his head back towards the sky, and let the water run down his face, the fresh water intermixing with the hidden salty rivulets.

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A/N:

So, last chapter's trivia prompt/this chapter's title reference! The surname "Mo" (according to Fandom wiki) can mean "do not, is not, can not".

All of the Mo family in this fic have names that reference storms as a family tradition in lieu of a generational poem, as part of their courtesy name (for the men) or given name (for the women). (If you remember in the book, a generational poem effects the naming convention/forming of courtesy names. The Jin clan had one, with everyone of Jin Zixuan's generation having a courtesy name that begins with "Zi", like Jin Zixuan, Jin Zixun, etc. Jin Guangyao should have been called something like Jin Ziyao after his father legitimized him. It was a deliberate slight on Jin Guangshan's part to name Meng Yao "Guangyao", permanently setting him apart from everyone else (and arguably further down in the line of inheritance than those with those prefixes, even though he was now a legitimized son). In Jin Ling's generation, the prefix reference to the poem was "Ru", resulting in the names "RuLan", "RuSong", etc. Generational poems are a kinda cool naming tradition, you should look them up!).

As a (slight spoiler for this fic) Mo Yu was given a storm name for his given name (going against normal Mo tradition), because they knew the Jin had a generational poem and hoped he'd get a courtesy name from his father when he was legitimized, but still wanted to tie him (and the latter benefits of being associated with the Jin sect) to the Mo clan by also giving him a name in the Mo tradition. His aunt, jealous of the attention, decided to give her son a storm name as a given name as well, which she later feels foolish for when it starts to seem less and less likely that Jin Guangshan is coming back. But not wanting to admit to it/seem doubly foolish gives her son a non-storm name for his courtesy name (but a still high-fancy sounding one) which is why Mo Yu's cousin's given name is Mo Yunxu, while he'll later get the (canon) courtesy name of Mo ZiYuan. So that's how that's explained/incorporated. Lol, names are fun. (End of slight spoiler).

In canon, Mo XuanYu's mother was the half-sister of his aunt, and the child of a servant/their father's mistress (in this case, said servant is named Jian Qiao). Since pretty much everyone in the Mo family in canon are just referred to as variations of "Mrs. Mo, Mr. Mo" etc., except for his cousin, I got to make up a lot of names for people!

Mo Xia (Mo Yu's aunt), her name "Xia" means "rosy clouds".

Mo Yanwen (Mo Yu's great-grandmother), her name "Yanwen" means "elegant, graceful, refined; cloud patterns".

Mo Ai, courtesy Bolin (Mo Xia and Mo Huilang's father/Mo Yu's grandfather). "Ai" means "loving", and "Bolin" means "elder brother rain".

Mo Huilang (Mo Yu's mother), with "Huilang" meaning "kind and good". Ya'll see the difference/significance?...

Mo Yu, depending on the character used, "Yu" can mean "rain". (On fandom wiki, it says in the canon courtesy name XuanYu, the character "Xuan" means "black/mysterious" and the character "Yu" (pronounced the same way the character for "rain" is pronounced, I looked both character's pronunciation up and compared) means "feathers". Apparently one common thing that was done with courtesy names is to incorporate a character from the given name, or a similar sounding/meaning one to the given name, as part of the courtesy name. Hence why Meng Yao got the courtesy name GuangYao. So here with Mo XuanYu's given name, I made the "Yu" for "rain" and the "Yu" for "feathers" reference each other.)

Mo Chenglei (Mo Yu's great-grandfather) married into the Mo Clan when its family was more prestigious than his own (from what I read men usually don't marry in unless a clan is more prestigious or dying out, which was the case of the Mo clan at that time in the fic?) so his last name wasn't originally Mo, which is why his courtesy name isn't a storm name. "Chenglei" means "become great". So his name is "do not, is not, can not" "become great"...

"Jian" means "healthy" and "Qiao" means "skillful".

"Kun" means "earth, female" and "Jing" means "quiet, still, gentle". (She has reasons why she didn't take the Mo name...).

"Shun" means "obey, submit" and "Tu" means "chart, map". (He was from a upper-class merchant family who married into the lower level gentry Mo family for the title...more on that later).

Mo Yunxu, courtesy ZiYuan. In canon Mo XuanYu's cousin's courtesy name is ZiYuan, and according to fandom wiki "Zi" means a "common prefix (for a name)" and "Yuan" means "deep, profound". Funfact, Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli's mother's first name, when written in English, is also ZiYuan (I can't remember if the accent marks are the same or not) but means something different. "Yunxu" means "cloudy emptiness".

The name of Mo Huilang's family sword is Yìzhì (意志) meaning "willpower".

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If you look up Mo XuanYu's mother on Fandom Wiki, there isn't much listed about her on her character page. Since we don't get the opportunity to learn much about her in canon. It says Jin Guangshan first seduced her at 16 (in this fic's timeline she was sixteen when Mo XuanYu was born). Based off of the ages of his sons in canon/general time line (like how Mo XuanYu first came to Jin tower while Wei Wuxian was dead and Mo XuanYu was 14) Jin Guangshan was quite likely old enough to be her father, possibly grandfather at the time. In the book she's called Second Lady Mo, buuut I'm gonna say that (in this fic) she's called that cause she was illegitimate and that threw her rank into question/she was legitimized later than her sister, rather than because she was younger than her sister. Under the personality section of her character page, she is described as "Since she seems to have been a favored mistress of Jin Guangshan's [Novel, ch 48], it is likely that she was his preferred type of woman: beautiful, submissive, and uneducated [Novel, ch 118]".

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Mo Family tree (quick name reference):

-Mo Chenglei married into the Mo family by marrying Mo Yanwen.

-Mo Yanwen and Mo Chenglei had one child, Mo Ai, courtesy name Bolin.

-Mo Bolin and Jian Qiao had one child, Mo Huilang.

-Mo Bolin married Kun Jing and had one child, Mo Xia.

-Mo Huilang had one child with a very important cultivator (Jin Guangshan), Mo Yu.

-Mo Xia married Shun Tu and had one child, Mo Yunxu.

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There's more that could be said about this chapter, but you don't want spoilers do you? Of course not! Lol. So let's end this Author's Note, before it gets toooooooooo long. 0.0

As always, thank you to everyone who has favorited, followed, and reviewed this story! Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading, and I'll see you next chapter! :D

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