hi! im back with a direct behemoth of a sequel.

** imagine sirius just taking a shuddering breath at the end of the previous fic, quickly squeezing harry's shoulder, sending an icy glare at everyone else, and leaving the room. it is important to note that he did NOT slam the door, just gently pulled it close, making the silence left behind all the more ominous for it.

now, i want you guys to know that this story kind of ran away from me. while i didn't exactly have an outline, i also did not mean for it to meander the way it did, so i apologise for the chaos. i've kind of just smushed in a lot of my personal headcanons wherever i could in this (and i'll list them out at the end if anyone is interested lol) and this ended up happening.

i hope you enjoy, please leave a review telling me what you think!

An awkward silence descended upon the room as soon as Sirius left, no one quite knowing what to say in the wake of his explosive outburst.

Harry himself was feeling a maelstrom of emotions and he didn't know how to even begin sorting through them. The raw emotion in Sirius' voice was enough to strip him bare, and he didn't quite know what to do with that. How do you deal with someone who basically said you were their reason for living?

The choice, ultimately, was taken away from him (as he was depressingly becoming used to) by Mrs. Weasley.

'Harry, dear,' she started, bustling around the kitchen as if she couldn't bear to keep still, 'you mustn't let what he said distract you from the issue at hand. you children really are too young to be a part of the Order, and this war. you should leave it to the adults, you hear?'

At that, Harry's lips curled in a sneer almost involuntarily. 'Leave it to the adults?' really? What a joke. He had not known a single reliable adult in his fifteen years of existence. Every single time, it has fallen upon him (and often, his friends) to finish what should've been their job but had unwittingly been thrust upon them. It was becoming a joke at this point, this refrain of 'you're just a child, leave it to the adults' had gotten old even before he'd come to hogwarts.

'No offence, Mrs. Weasley, but I don't think you have the right to say that to me,' Harry bit out, frustration coursing through his veins, 'You're not my parent, and you're not my guardian. And, I think you've said quite enough today.' The way his eyes flicked up made it very clear what he was talking about, and it was obvious Mrs. Weasley got the message by the way her face reddened, whether in anger or humiliation he didn't know but he wasn't sticking around to find out.

And so before she could get going, Harry stood up and with a tight smile at the occupants of the room, left in search of his godfather. There was usually only one place he could be found these days, and that was his mother's room which was converted into Buckbeak's sanctuary. Sirius claimed that Walburga would be rolling in her grave at such desecration of her precious pureblood chambers, which made it the perfect reason to use it as such.

On the way, however, Harry couldn't help but think back to the words spoken by Sirius back in the kitchen.

'Harry James Potter is my entire world'

'From the moment he was born, he's had me wrapped around his finger'

'Harry is not, and never could be, a substitute for James'

To someone like him, who'd grown up being told that he was a waste of space and a burden and a freak, hearing something like that was almost surreal. The level of devotion and adoration in Sirius' voice was…something that Harry was painfully unfamiliar with. He's never had anyone who (dare he say it?) loved him so much (loved him at all really). It was quite a humbling feeling, knowing someone like his godfather existed, who broke out of Azkaban to protect him, who lived in caves and fed on rats just to be close enough should Harry need him, who chose to live in his hated childhood home just so he could offer the best protections to his godson (and Harry knew that was the real reason, regardless of the whole Order of the Phoenix clusterfuck. Sirius wasn't here because he was a wanted man and it was safest for himself, or because it was Order headquarters. He was here solely for Harry and that was that).

(he wondered if this is what having a parent feels like?)

And, his assurance that Harry wasn't his father. Harry wasn't like Mrs. Weasley or Hermione; he didn't get all up in arms at the thought that his godfather got him confused for his best mate. In his mind, the man had gone through 12 years of the worst kind of torture and imprisonment possible. If, after all that, he sometimes got his wires crossed, then who was Harry to judge him for it? He's certainly met crazier people with less reason for it (dumbledore)

But, despite not being bothered by it, sometimes, when he was feeling particularly low, he would torture himself with thoughts of being a measly replacement for James Potter. After all, the only thing he'd ever heard about his parents was how great and brave they were, how everyone loved them and even years after their death, couldn't bear to speak of them without tearing up. How could Harry ever live up to these war heroes who had such an impact on those around them and gave up their lives for their child? Nothing he ever did would match up to that. While he didn't actively think about this all the time, this…inadequacy was always present in his mind as an undercurrent.

So hearing Sirius loudly and vociferously deny ever thinking of Harry as his father soothed a part of him that he didn't even know needed to be dealt with. He couldn't deny that it filled him with a warmth he didn't have much experience with to be liked and wanted for himself, separate from anyone he might be related to.

With these thoughts swirling in his head, Harry entered Mrs. Black's (or was it Buckbeak's now?) room, immediately spotting Sirius leaning against one giant wing with what Harry had dubbed his 'brooding look' on his aristocratic features.

Suddenly, looking at his godfather's drawn features and taut brow, Harry felt unsure of himself. Sure, Sirius had just declared how much he loved Harry, but would he want to be around him at this exact moment? Maybe he just wanted to be alone after that whole mess downstairs? Merlin knows Harry preferred brooding in private over having an audience gawking at him.

Just as he'd taken a step back, deciding to give him his space, however, Sirius' gaze snapped to him.

'Harry?'

'Hey, Sirius,' he responded shyly, 'Sorry for uh barging in. I'll just g-'

'There's no need for that now, pup, ' Sirius cut in with a fond eye roll, 'You can come in. Just close the door behind you.'

Still, Harry hesitated, 'Are you-?'

'Yes, I'm absolutely 100% sure I want to spend time with my godson.' Sirius stuck his tongue out playfully. Harry decided he'd tried his best, and he didn't want to stay away from the man anyway.

He carefully made his way over the feathers to sit down on the floor beside his godfather, making sure to leave a decent amount of space between them even though all he wanted was to curl up against his side.

Sirius looked at him with narrowed eyes, as if he could read what was going on in his head, before heaving a great sigh and leaning forward to wrap an around Harry's waist pulling him forward. Only his reflexes saved him from toppling over onto the man's lap, Harry thought with burning cheeks, but Sirius didn't give him a second before manhandling him into a more comfortable position under his arm.

'There,' he said with a satisfied air as if he'd done something much greater than yanking an underweight teenager around, 'Now we're golden.'

Harry considered letting out a token protest for the sake of it- surely he was too old to snuggle up to anyone, let alone his godfather? He gave the idea exactly two seconds of consideration before discarding it entirely. He'd received entirely too little affection in his life to go pushing it away when it was offered to him so freely. And didn't he want to do the same anyway? Sirius probably just read the longing on his face and took the matter into his own hands because Merlin knew Harry would've been too embarrassed to do anything himself. With that, he burrowed even further into the warm embrace. (it's a sad thought but Harry could count on one hand how many times he'd been hugged in this life; he was not in a position to be rejecting these A+ cuddles, really)

'Hi,' he blinked up at his godfather when he finally got comfortable.

'Hello,' replied Sirius, amused.

'So,' Harry started, before abruptly closing his mouth. What was he even about to say? Thanks for saying I love you in a roundabout but even more intense for it matter? I'm glad you don't think of me as a discount James Potter? I'm sorry you needlessly suffered so much in Azkaban? Really, where was the manual for situations like this when one needed it?

Sirius bit his lip, seemingly stopping himself from smiling and some distant part of Harry's mind thought that he ought to feel more indignant at the idea of being laughed at, but he couldn't quite bring himself to feel anything but warm and happy when Sirius looked so helplessly fond (the long fingers carding through his hair might've helped matters too, Harry thinks; it was absurdly soothing)

'I'm sorry about the…spectacle downstairs,' Sirius suddenly apologised out of nowhere after a few minutes of comfortable silence, 'You shouldn't have to deal with things like that, not ever but especially not now.'

Harry shrugged, 'It's not your fault. Mrs. Weasley has an opinion on everything. You just seem to be her new favorite target.'

'Can I tell you a, well, not exactly a secret, but something interesting?' Sirius asked with a side glance at him. Harry nodded, trying not to seem too eager.

'She's never liked me, or your parents,' he admitted and really, that was just about the last thing Harry expected to hear.

'Like, during the last war, you mean?' Harry asked, confused, 'Did you all know each other then?'

Sirius hmmed in agreement, 'We were…acquaintances, you could say. Molly and Arthur never ran in the same circles as us, they're quite a bit older, you see. And when we joined the Order, the original one that is, they were more like…part time members, I guess you could say? i mean, they had no other choice with their veritable army of children.'

And here, it looked like he was trying really hard not to sneer (it hit Harry quite suddenly that Sirius was a pureblood, raised in a family not unlike Draco Malfoy if not worse, and as the heir no less, with all that that entailed) and Harry could've sworn he heard him mutter under his breath about 'irresponsible idiots with no common sense' and 'reproducing like rabbits in the middle of a war'

Harry delicately cleared his throat to bring him back on track, which worked because Sirius suddenly stopped and gave him a sheepish smile.

Sorry, it's just…always bothered me quite a lot. Anyway, we had a few interactions in the Order, but really, most of her opinions about us, and that includes your mom by the way, were formed on the basis of gossip and quite a lot of second hand information. Molly has always been on the conservative side, as you might have noticed-' they shared a look of commiseration here-'and we were, well, we never really stuck to that sort of nonsense. I guess it's fair to say that all of us preferred doing our own thing and not caring about what others said, regardless of the consequences. Molly, well, she didn't like that, and so she's never quite approved of the Marauders and Lily.'

Harry was, quite frankly, astounded. the way Mrs. Weasley went on and on about his parents and Sirius and all sorts of 'what will your parents think' and 'your parents would not have wanted you to…' and whatnot, you'd think she was bosom buddies with if not both the elder Potters then at the very least, his mom. To find out that she didn't actually approve of her when she was alive, well. That put her behaviour and attitude in a whole new light, and not entirely positive either.

'Huh.' Seems like that was all he could say, and really, could anyone blame him? All this pushing and pulling and information overdrive was tiring him out.

Thankfully, Sirius understood where he was coming from because he just ruffled his hair and said, 'I know, kiddo. Puts her whole 'he's not James!' spiel into perspective, doesn't it? Because even if you were, it's not like she knew him well enough to tell.'

While Sirius rolled his eyes, Harry decided that this was the opening he was looking for, and by Merlin he was gonna go for it this time.

'Is that a bad thing, Padfoot?'

'Hm?' Sirius blinked, 'What's a bad thing, pup?'

'You said 'even if I were like James' meaning i'm not…' Harry trailed off, hoping Sirius would connect the dots before he embarrassed himself too much. he didn't want to sound like some insecure child but at the same time, well, let's just say he had some unresolved daddy (and mommy) issues and leave it at that, yes?

'Harry,' Sirius sighed before tightening his arm around his shoulder, 'It's absolutely not a bad thing. Like I said down there, you are your own person, not a miniature James or Lily. Now, that's not to say that you don't have an overwhelming number of traits from both of them, but there are also things that are completely, uniquely you and that is nothing but good.'

'Wh-I-Can you-No one has ever talked to me about them properly. It's never real,' Harry mumbled, trying not to sound as dejected as he always felt when it came to the topic of his parents and how little he really knew about them.

'Oh baby,' Harry's cheeks reddened at the childish endearment but he couldn't deny the frisson of warmth that passed through him at the thought of being someone's- Sirius' -baby.

'I'll tell you all about them, the good and the bad, because there was both, Harry, you must realise that. Your parents were neither saints nor perfect, and i know no one likes to speak ill of the dead- 'except snape, Harry muttered bitterly'- but that probably means you've been told only glowing remarks about your parents and quite frankly, that's a disservice to both of them, in my opinion.'

'What do you mean by that?' Harry asked curiously. No one had ever talked to him like this before, as if James and Lily Potter were real people instead of just abstract concepts. It was mind blowing .

'Well, while both of them were brave and good and intelligent, that wasn't all they were, pup,' Sirius bit his lip, as if trying to find the right words, 'James was a bit of a pampered prat at the best of times. He was spoiled and privileged and even arrogant, at times. See, he was the only child of a couple who'd given up on ever having children so when James 'the miracle baby' came along, Effie and Flea made sure he never wanted for anything and that led to him developing a bit of a big head. And even though he mellowed out a lot over the years, he never quite got over his instinctual need to be the center of attention wherever he was.'

'Effie and Flea?' It's funny that that was the question he asked, out of all the information that had just been dumped on him but Harry figured it was safest to ask about these unknown individuals rather than focus on how, apparently, his dad was like some sort of gryffindor Draco Malfoy (which was such an unholy thought he immediately wanted to bleach his brain clean)

At his question, however, Sirius' eyes darkened and his grip on Harry's shoulder became a little too tight.

'Effie and Flea- Euphemia and Fleamont. They were your grandparents, kiddo,' Sirius smiled sadly. And Harry understood why he seemed so upset a second ago. Because really, what was his life that he didn't even know his own grandparents' names?

'Well,' Sirius continued after a minute, 'that was James. it won't surprise me if you've heard something along those lines from uh certain characters, but really, that's a whole story in itself. Lily, now she's the interesting character because people often make her out to be the paragon of virtue, perfect and unblemished, but really she was so far from that it's almost laughable.'

And although the words seemed harsh, Harry could see that Sirius meant it in a teasing way. It was in the fondness that was painted all over his face, the almost gentle way he said 'Lily', the mirth in his eyes as if people believing in the sanctity of Lily Potter was just one huge prank from the afterlife.

'Lily Evans,' Sirius mused, 'your mother, Harry, had one hell of a temper. It wasn't always rational, and almost never proportional to the reason at hand, but by merlin was it explosive. She really lived up to the stereotype of redheads. Lily also had the biggest mean streak out of anyone I knew, her tongue could rip you to shreds before you even knew what was happening, regardless of whether it was deserved or not. She could hold a grudge til the end of eternity. You got one chance with Lily Evans, and if you lost it then that's it, you're cut off from her life without any regrets. That's what happened with Snape in our fifth year. (what?- i'll tell u that story some other time) she could be quite sanctimonious as well. If your father was arrogant, then your mother often thought she was in the right. She could be high handed and imperious and it was a whole production trying to get her to admit she was wrong. Really, between the two of them, it's a wonder you turned out as kind as you did, pup. You've got your heritage working double time against you.'

Sirius punctuated his words with a poke on Harry's nose, humor lighting up his grey eyes in a way Harry rarely saw. Granted, it was at his expense, but still.

It was a few seconds later that the words sunk in, and Harry let out an incredulous 'woah' at the thought. So his dad was a prat and his mum was a bitch?

Funnily enough, that made him feel much better about himself. Go figure.

Sirius smiled knowingly at him, and goddamn, did the man know how to read minds because this was getting kind of freaky now.

'So why does no one ever tell me any of this stuff then?' Harry asked (and Snape did NOT count) curiously.

'Hm, a number of reasons, I'd imagine,' Sirius answered slowly, 'the most obvious one being, well, who wants to tell an orphan about the not so savoury aspects of his parents? What good is that gonna do? Second, for all that both your parents were well liked by everyone, Harry, they had very few close friends. Everyone else was just a passing acquaintance or a distant friend at best. So these people wouldn't know them so well, or wouldn't feel comfortable talking about it with you in the first place. And then, despite all these faults, on the whole, they were still brilliant people, right? So that's how most people remember them. I've just got the distinct advantage of having been quite close to the two of them, and I daresay I know them like the back of my hand.'

Harry nodded in agreement. That made sense. he didn't have to like it, but well, nothing to be done about it now. He turned to Sirius as he bit his lip, wondering how to ask for some better stories now because it was well and good knowing that his parents were just as flawed as the next person, but he didn't want that to be his only impression of them. And as he predicted (he must be getting used to this because he wasn't even surprised now) Sirius immediately understood where he was going.

'Mhm, that's not a good note to end on, huh? Alright, let me think.' Even though one of his arms was still wrapped around Harry's shoulders, Sirius' other hand went up to stroke his goatee in an exaggerated motion designed to make Harry snort with laughter.

'Let's see, Lily was so, so gifted with potions, Harry, it was unreal. she could probably work three different cauldrons blindfolded at the same time. It was…almost awe inspiring seeing her in her element. She would always carry this little muggle book with her where she'd be writing down notes about different potions at any given time of the day. She was constantly reworking and improving existing recipes, and I'm sure that if she had more time, she would've completely revolutionised the whole field with her brilliance,' Sirius sighed, 'She was also a wonderful singer, and she wasn't shy about it at all. It wasn't uncommon to hear Lily Evans singing in the common room, or for her voice to float down from the girls' dorms at any given time. She had the most soothing voice and I can't count the number of times she lulled me back to sleep after I had a nightmare and was convinced I wouldn't be able to get any more rest. Her favorite thing to do after you were born, pup, was to sing to you. It was a very common sight in the Potter household to see you sitting in your high chair and Lily singing to you while cooking in the kitchen. There were times when you'd straight up refuse to go to sleep if she hadn't sung a lullaby to you.' Here, Sirius tweaked Harry's nose playfully, 'You were quite the demanding little thing.'

Harry flushed but couldn't keep the smile off his face at the thought of his mum holding him in her arms and singing him to sleep. It comforted him in a way he never wanted to let go of the feeling.

'Now, your dad, Harry,' Sirius started, and already Harry could tell the difference between when he was speaking about his mum and his dad. Although he had loved Lily Evans too, it was so much more with James Potter. It was so painfully clear that Sirius hadn't gotten over his best mate's death, because the grief was quite clear in his voice, 'I owe my life to James in so many ways I lost count a long time ago.'

Harry started at that, at the wistfulness coating the words, the raw emotion, and the actual content of what he said. He stayed quiet though, not pushing, knowing this was much harder for Sirius than talking about his mum, and feeling unbelievably grateful to him for still going on. Instead, he burrowed closer to the man, hoping to comfort him the way he did with Harry. It must've worked a little because Sirius sent a small smile his way before clearing his throat and continuing.

'I was this scared little kid trying to act tougher than I was on the first day of Hogwarts on the Express. I didn't know anything except the shit I was brainwashed into spewing and I was so, so scared that I'd get put into slytherin and I'd have no choice but to continue the family legacy. That terror, Harry, I have no words for how debilitating it was as an eleven year older, the idea of having to one day take up the mantle of a house and a family I detested. And it was then, as I was sitting alone in a compartment, trying really fucking hard not to break down, that I met James Potter, human whirlwind for the first time. He bounced in, took a seat, and without a single care in the world about the fact that I was a Black, started talking a mile a minute as if we were just old friends catching up.'

Sirius' eyes were fond and his smile was painfully soft, lost in the memory as he was, and really, it was not to be struck by how deeply he felt for Harry's dad. Despite Ron being his best mate, he couldn't imagine having such intense feelings for him.

'It was because of him, right there, that I got the courage to be sorted into Gryffindor, you know? The hat was going to put me into slytherin the second it settled in my head, but I didn't let it. Threatened to do dire things to it's person, actually, unless it sorted me properly,' Sirius recalled with a laugh, and wow, Harry could not believe that his godfather had nearly been a slytherin, same as him, as well. The thought made him giddy with happiness, sharing something with the man he looked up to so much.

'Your dad was the best friend anyone could've asked for. He was popular and well liked by everyone, sure, but he only let a select few into his inner circle, right? And if you were in, then you had to be one of the luckiest people alive because there was nothing James Potter wouldn't do for his friends. He knew me for barely three months before he told me that i was always welcome at his house and he never once broke that promise, he put Pettigrew under his protection the literal second he found out he was being bullied because everyone was a little intimidated by James, and he was the one to suggest becoming animagi to keep Remus company during the full moons.'

'Gosh, you wouldn't believe it of him, first a scrawny, speccy brat and then this absurdly tall, muscled mountain of a man who could probably crush a watermelon between his thighs, but this man was such a mother hen,' Sirius laughed wetly, 'It was the most disconcerting thing. He'd put his hands on his hips and purse his lips exactly like Effie would when he thought we weren't taking care of ourselves. He'd run himself into the ground trying to keep up with all of us.'

'The thing was, James was the most privileged out of us, had the easiest life, but he was also the one who took care of all three of us, who patched us up every time without question (although there was quite a lot of scolding, Sirius added with a wink), who would stay up late at night with me when I had my nightmares, who'd spend the whole day sitting at Remus' bedside after the full moon, distracting him and taking his mind off the pain. He'd spend hours upon hours with Pettigrew, working on his wand work and spellcasting. He'd make sure we were up on time, ate our meals, and didn't stay out in the cold too often. Gosh, Harry, I can't even do his personality justice. He was so, so fucking pure. All he wanted to do was take care of his people and protect them and love them enough to stop the world from hurting them. and I'm so, so sorry you didn't get more time with him. You should've had all the time in the world with him.'

Sirius turned to face Harry, trembling hands cradling his face with almost painful tenderness. This close, Harry could see the tears glinting in his grey eyes.

'It is my life's biggest regret that it was my actions and my mistake that led to James' death, to both their deaths. they were…the last people on earth who should've died so young. James and Lily had so much life in them, so much left to give. And I will never forgive myself for the part I played in ending that light. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I'm so sorry, baby.'

And despite Sirius' attempts to stem the tears, they spilled over anyway, and gosh, it ached to see this strong, proud man break down in front of him like this. Harry didn't think Sirius deserved to feel this way, but he also knew a thing or two about (irrational) guilt and he knew it was an insidious, poisonous thing that crawled up your body, slowly killing you from the inside out. Sirius had been carrying this inside him for a decade and a half, and he was only now letting himself feel the grief and the guilt and the loss, letting himself mourn properly. (And wasn't Harry humbled at the thought that Sirius considered him trustworthy enough to break down in his arms? It was frightening, the knowledge that he quite literally held his godfathers heart in his hands right now, because who was he kidding, he was the last Potter left now who could grant him his absolution)

It was why he knew words wouldn't do a thing in this scenario, so he did the only thing he could. He pulled his godfather as humanly close as possible and wrapped his arms around him as if to try and shield him from the world that had hurt him so much. Harry tucked Sirius' sobbing face in the side of his neck, and ran his fingers through his hair, hoping it provided the same comfort to him as it did to Harry. Sirius had always been there for him when he needed it, and now it was simply his time to do the same and by Merlin, would he do all he could.

James Potter might not have been there anymore to take care of Sirius black, but Harry would gladly take up the mantle.

headcanons included:
-sirius calling harry nicknames like 'pup', 'baby' etc.
-mother hen!james potter always taking care of his friends with endless patience and a long suffering look on his face, eerily reminiscent of euphemia potter
-tall and muscled af james who looks v intimidating at first glance but is really just a huge softy
-the sorting hat having to be talked down from immediately sorting sirius into slytherin (i actually have a little drabble for this over on my ffn w the same name!)
-harry's first word being 'pa'foo' (this was in the previous one but oh well) (i have this written in a drabble on ffn as well!)
-lily evans being kind of a bitch with a high handed personality and a poison tongue
-a culture/generational gap between the weasley parents and the marauders+lily leading to a difference in parenting styles and clashing personalities; molly being much more conservative than the boisterous marauders etc etc
-harry not caring if sirius sometimes called him james, or got confused BC HE REALISES THAT AZKABAN WOULD HAVE SEVERELY AFFECTED THE MAN'S MENTAL HEALTH unlike others (wow can u tell im salty)

hmm that's it, i think? as you can see, i have a lot o about these characters so oh well. would you guys share your favorite marauder/harry headcanons with me? i could never have enough content hehe