Gordon felt sick.

He had gone to bed early the night before, but he still didn't sleep a wink. He knew what was coming today, and he was dreading it.

He was bringing it upon himself, though. It was his decision to go, he could have avoided it for longer, but he knew this time would come eventually. Might as well get it out of the way.

Swim practice was back on, and he would have to face Coach Brown.

This was the moment he had been working up to. This was his chance to show his Coach how much he had improved, and that he didn't need drugs to get to where his Coach wanted him.

He felt that he had gotten better. He had worked for hours everyday, so it must have amounted to something. But Gordon was still worried that his Coach wouldn't like that he didn't do as he asked, or he still wasn't good enough, and he might be upset with him. Those were the thoughts that had made him sick to his stomach.

He didn't eat all day. He didn't pay attention in any of his classes. He constantly watched the clock, but grew more panicked the closer it got to the end of the day.

However, the end of the school day did eventually come, and with great reluctance Gordon dragged his feet from his final class and to his fate.

He stood for a long moment outside the door leading into the pool, working up the courage. He didn't realise he was shaking until he reached for the handle and missed several times before he got a grip on it. Gordon knew the needed courage would never come, so he might as well bite the bullet and get it over with, whether he was ready or not.

The noise he was met with upon entering the pool stifled his nerves just a little. He had been so used to coming in here alone and when it was quiet, so to hear the rest of his team as they came and went out of the changing rooms was a familiar comfort.

Gordon glanced around to see if he could find Coach Brown, wondering if he should talk to him now or get changed first. However, that decision was soon made as the man suddenly stepped in front of him and forced him to stop on the spot.

"Hi, Coach," Gordon tried to muster up a confident smile as he looked up at the man.

The Coach glared down at him, and any courage that Gordon had found before was quickly gone at that look.

"You're a disappointment."

It felt like the breath had been punched out of him at the first words that left the Coach's mouth. There was no pleasantries, no time for Gordon to defend himself. The Coach hadn't even asked if he had done as he wanted, he just somehow knew.

"W-what?" Gordon could barely mutter anything out of his suddenly dry throat.

"You heard me." The Coach took a step forward and bent down so his face was close to Gordon's. "You're a disappointment."

He said it slower that time, as if Gordon would understand it better. He poked at Gordon's chest as he spoke the final word.

"But you haven't given me a chance to explain!" Gordon rubbed where the man had harshly prodded him, finally able to find the words. "I-I thought that maybe I could show you I can be as good as you want me to be, even better! I wanted you to see that I don't need to take anything to get there." At that, a question dawned on him that he couldn't help but ask. "How... how did you even know that I-"

"It was obvious from the moment you walked through the door. If you had taken them, like I asked, the results would already be obvious." The Coach stood up straight again. "And don't think I didn't notice you skipping out on practice, presumably so you could avoid facing what you hadn't done."

"But I trained so much. I worked so hard to show you how good I really am!" Gordon frantically tried to reason with the man and show him that he really meant what he was saying. If the Coach would just let him swim, he could see it himself.

"And look where that got you."

Gordon froze at the words, not understanding what he meant.

"You can barely stand. You look half dead and you're shaking like a leaf," Coach Brown said as if to explain. "You're one small breeze away from collapsing. You're weak."

Every word was like a blow to Gordon. He had never once throughout this thought he had been making himself worse off, he thought that he had been good. But to hear the one person he had done this for say he wasn't...

"Weak because you're too afraid to do as I asked. Weak because you let down this entire team."

Gordon shrunk down at the tone of his voice, and instinctively took a step back.

"I don't want weak on my team."

"I... I don't understand." Gordon's voice was barely a whisper.

"Let me spell it out for you then." The Coach slowly spoke his next words. "You are off the team."

It felt like the whole room had just fallen on his head. It might as well have. Gordon couldn't breath, it was like he had just been crushed. Everything he had worked so hard for was for nothing. He couldn't speak, couldn't even say that he hadn't even had the chance to swim yet.

"Get out of here. I never want to see your disappointing face again. You have wasted my time, I don't need you wasting any more of it."

Gordon wanted to say more. He wanted to fight. But he was so exhausted that there was no fight left in him. His feet automatically turned him around and started back out the door he'd not long ago come through.

He felt the eyes of those who were no longer his teammates on him as they watched him leave the room. Gordon wondered if they'd heard what was said, or if they knew what had just happened. They could probably guess.

In a trance, he left the school. Later, he would wonder how he ever made it back home. What had just happened still hadn't fully processed, and the events that occurred from the moment he stepped into the pool room to the moment he left swirled around in his head on repeat. He went over and over them, not even thinking about them. Not analysing them, or trying to figure out what went wrong. All he could focus on was that he was actually gone from the swim team.

His feet took him home on autopilot. He didn't even get a bus, he just walked the several miles it took until he ended up at the end of his driveway. It was like he had blinked, and one moment he was leaving the school and the next he was staring at his front door.

It took a lot of fumbling, but eventually he managed to unlock the door. He couldn't even say if he shut it behind him before he stumbled up to his room.

He dropped his bag on the floor, and without thinking he dropped to his knees next to his bed. Before he realised what he was doing, he was pushing boxes aside until he could reach back to what was hiding behind them.

It felt like forever since he had been given this box before he hid it away, but it had only been a couple of weeks. It still looked just as he remembered, daunting and sent his heart to his throat.

Gordon took the lid off and dropped it off to the side. The contents were still the same, but now Gordon looked at them differently. Two weeks ago, it was without question that Gordon would stay away from these drugs. There was no way he would even consider taking them. But now...

His dream was gone. This was probably his only chance to get back on the team and make it up to his Coach. That was as if Coach Brown even wanted him anymore, but was there any harm in trying? If he gave up now then that really was it.

One finger traced along one of the needles as he weighed his options.

"I thought I heard you get back."

The box flew out of his hands as Gordon jumped out of his skin at the sudden voice. The contents spilled all over the floor, and abruptly Gordon froze to the spot as he realised there was no hiding this.

"Gordon?"

Gordon's back was turned to the door, so he couldn't see his brother, but he heard Scott as he hesitantly stepped into the room. A second later, there was a sharp intake of breath and Gordon knew that Scott had seen it. Had found out what this all was, and Gordon knew it was no longer a secret.

"Gordon, this is-"

"I know what it is!" He didn't need his brother to tell him what his own problems were. The very problems he had been dealing with on his own for weeks.

"Did you... uh, have you...?" Scott struggled to find the right question, but Gordon knew what he was asking. He wanted to know if Gordon had taken any. If Scott had come in any later, maybe he would have.

A small shake of his head as Gordon still refused to turn around and face his brother. He didn't want to see the look on Scott's face.

Scott let out a relieved breath behind him, but then went quiet for a moment as he worked out what to say next.

"Where did you get them from?" Was his next question, and Gordon suddenly found himself unable to answer.

He could have just told him it was his Coach. There was no use defending him, but Gordon still didn't think he was able to. His Coach had told him that if he told anyone, he would get in trouble. Gordon was already caught, but maybe if he stayed quiet, he could protect the Coach and show his loyalty. Maybe then he would get back on the team.

"Gordon?" Scott prompted softly at Gordon's silence, and a moment later a hand squeezed his shoulder before trying to guide him around to face the older brother.

Gordon turned, but his gaze stayed on the floor so he didn't have to see whatever look it was that Scott was giving him. Pity, disappointment, anger, sadness. It could be any one of them.

"Is this why you've been doing extra training at the pool?"

Startled, Gordon looked up at him, wondering how Scott knew that. He had worked hard to hide it from them.

"Alan kind of followed you," Scott explained hesitantly as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Typical Alan, always sticking his nose in where it didn't belong. If his brother wasn't so nosey, Gordon could have still hidden this from them.

"He's been worried about you." Scott cut into his thoughts before Gordon could grow too furious at their little brother. "We all have. I'm glad he did find out, because otherwise we never would have worked out what was going on with you. Why didn't you come to us with this? What- why are you doing this?"

"I thought that I could prove myself to him," Gordon said before he could stop himself.

"Who?"

Gordon only hesitated slightly before he answered.

"Coach."

"Your swim Coach? So he was the one who gave you these?" Scott was holding one of the vials that he'd pick up from the floor, and he waved it slightly in indication.

A small nod from Gordon.

"And he kicked me from the team because I didn't do what he wanted," he added.

"I can't believe that he would do something like this!" The way Scott's voice changed in that split second was enough for Gordon's eyes to widen and for him to tense up. The tone reminded him too much of his Coach just a little while before, even though this time it wasn't directed at him. "He won't get away with this."

Scott turned to leave the room, but Gordon latched onto his arm to stop him.

"You can't tell anyone about this!"

"Why not?" Scott stopped and turned back to him.

"Because you'll get me in trouble too!" Gordon didn't let go of his arm. "Coach said that having these is illegal! I'm in possession of them, I'll get in trouble if anyone finds out."

Scott sighed and gently uncurled Gordon's fingers from around his arm, but he still kept the connection and held onto his hands. "Your Coach is wrong, about a lot of things. You have done nothing illegal. He's the one who has done wrong, and he needs to be reported for it. I need to tell dad about this."

"I've really done nothing wrong?" Gordon was hesitant to believe him. He had been led to think he was in trouble and something bad would happen to him if anyone found out. Being told otherwise was hard to grasp.

"No, Gordon." Scott shook his head and offered him a reassuring smile. "You haven't done anything wrong."

Gordon slumped in relief, suddenly feeling a huge weight leave his shoulders. Was this really all over? Would he no longer have to push himself beyond his limits to prove his worth?

The questions that were quickly forming in his head were making him dizzy, and now that Scott had taken his worries away, he suddenly realised how tired and achy he was feeling.

The room swayed violently, and Gordon would have dropped to the floor if it wasn't for Scott quickly gripping onto his arms.

"Woah!" Scott cried in alarm as he gently eased Gordon onto his bed. "When did you last eat?"

Gordon took a moment to think about that, and couldn't recall when he had last eaten anything.

"Never mind. If you have to think about it, it's been too long," Scott said before he could answer. "I'll go get you something to eat and drink, okay?"

He waited for Gordon to respond with a nod before he quickly left the room. Now on his own, Gordon didn't know what to do or think. His mind felt too fried from all the recent events to focus on anything for long, not to mention how exhausted he felt. He just wanted to curl up and go to sleep, but the idea of food kept him going. He was pretty hungry.

His eyes moved to the mess that was still scattered across the floor, and he felt a sudden need to clean it up. He didn't want to look at it anymore.

Gordon slid off the bed and onto the floor. He started to gather up all the needles and vials and shoved them back into the box. He was just finishing up when Scott came back into the room.

"You don't need to do that," he said as he carried in a tray that had a bowl and a glass of water balanced on it.

"I wanted to." Gordon got up from the floor and placed the box on his desk, before he sat back on his bed.

Scott had made him some chicken soup, and it was just what Gordon needed. It was warm and filling, but not too much that it didn't make him feel sick after not eating anything for a while.

When he was finished, both with the soup and water, Scott gathered everything back onto the tray. He then coaxed Gordon to lay down on his bed to go to sleep.

Gordon tried to protest, but the blanket that was thrown over him felt too soft and warm and when Scott tucked it around him, he never wanted to move.

"I'll go talk to dad and we'll get this all sorted. You don't need to worry about it anymore."

Gordon nodded slightly as Scott ran a hand through his hair. The contact felt nice and before Gordon knew it, his eyes had fallen closed.

look I fixed him! I'm not too mean XD