v. five; reverse

He already has everything set up about an hour and a half after Asuka leaves for her get-together; the one hour is a wait time to guarantee that she wouldn't come back in case she accidentally forgot something here. He even joked about her getting wrinkles forty years too early just so she would be more motivated to step out faster. (She swung her purse at him, but at least it worked.)

Given Cyber Tutu's enthusiasm last night, everything was already set within the same night. She said she would need to immediately work on a dance routine to surprise Asuka with, so he's not needed to help oversee the dance practice since he's obviously not a dancer, nor was he valiant enough to volunteer himself as her practice partner with his two left feet. All he really did was set up his duel disk on a table in the balcony (he still has his deck with him), rearrange the chairs and table for dancing space, and made sure Asuka didn't suspect him of anything.

So, he's currently taking a walk to pass some time. That, and also because he didn't feel like staying in an empty apartment for a while, especially not when those old memories arose during his talk with Asuka yesterday. It sucks. It's not really much of a wound in his heart anymore—it's more of a small scar he can't get rid of. Small, but it's still there. He forgets how long he's been out here walking, but that talk with Asuka really had him mulling for a bit.

She had called him a busybody. It makes him self-reflect, trying to count up all the times he had been a 'busybody' to her.

Let's see… He wanted to find Fubuki for her when he was still missing, he jumped in to save her from Titan, he tagged along when she had her duel against that guy with glasses who stole her scarf (The Boy was his name?), he rescued her from the Society of Light, he tried to make things up to her in that tag duel—

Don't forget to add 'calling her a hermit' in the list, Yubel unnecessarily chimes in.

Rolling his eyes, he quips, Jokes seem to fly over your head.

Casually, they reply, We share the same souls, so they must fly over you too.

Psh! What does Yubel know about jokes? The hermit thing is a joke! A joke he thought of to lighten the mood when he saw Asuka's corkboard of photos because she's obviously not as alone as she probably thinks she is. Everyone will always be there in her heart, just like in his. He's just trying to be a good guy and remind her of that, but here he is: being mocked for it!

Judai sulks. Was that an insult?

I see insults also fly over your head, they effortlessly remark, like a walk in the park.

Had he not been in public right now, he would've made some dramatic noise of exasperation. He's about to retort something about how Yubel could probably publish a world-selling book with absolutely nothing but insults, but he gets distracted by something at a window when he almost passes by a bakery.

Staring at blue cupcakes in the display beyond the window, his head tilts in contemplation. The blue makes him think about Asuka.

Judai's about to continue walking because he already has a gift for her, but it suddenly occurs to him: don't birthdays normally involve cake? He doesn't remember actually including cake into his plans yesterday, aside from the idea about Cyber Tutu. Birthdays should have cakes.

Ten minutes later, he's walking with a little wrapped box in hand. Originally, he had cake in mind, but the blue cupcakes had more of an Asuka touch to them than a regular cream cake. He only got one cupcake since it's her special day, so he hopes nothing will happen to it until she comes back.

Y'think it'll be okay? he idly asks Yubel as he starts taking the path back to Asuka's apartment, one hand in his pocket as the other fingers the gift box.

Yubel asks back, Do you think you worked hard on this for her?

Twirling the box in his hand, Judai replies, I hope so.

Then it'll be fine, they say, not elaborating more—but that's just how Yubel is, and Yubel wants what's best for him. You never did something like this for the fool during his day of birth.

He blinks, crossing the street. That's because Johan gets his own party and cake.

Meanwhile, Asuka doesn't really bother acknowledging her birthday since she's either busy or she just doesn't think it matters that much, so it's pretty clear to him about who he needed to prioritize getting cupcakes for. As a child, he particularly enjoyed the wish-making part of his birthdays, so he was a bit disappointed to find out that there were no more candles available. He wanted to give her an opportunity to have something of hers granted, perhaps something that she really wants. He used to wish for friends and he did get that, so he would've liked it if Asuka could also experience a bit of that wish-making magic for her day.

Or maybe he's just projecting himself onto her because it's her birthday?

As he passes by the park, mulling, Yubel speaks up: The fool once said that there's a difference between being a good person and being kind. Attentive, Judai listens. Anyone can act kind, but it takes a good heart to be a good person. They pause for a moment. Haou… The Gentle Darkness exemplified how much goodness his heart contained. It's something that will always be inherited, time after time. As king, he liked granting people's wishes. He liked using his powers to help.

Appreciatively, he smiles at Yubel's overly-roundabout way of cheering him up. Lightheartedly, he jests, You remember things that Johan said?

As he walks up the stairs back to Asuka's apartment upon entering the building, his spirit companion scoffs. He, unfortunately, makes more sense than you.

I'll ignore what you just said and believe that you two are becoming friends, he hums, merry.

How revolting, they hiss darkly, matching the description of gloom-doom perfectly with a tone of deep disgust that can probably never be replicated for years to come. Never say that again.

You didn't deny it!

Yubel calmly says, I cannot deny something that is already unimaginable.

Judai rolls his eyes lazily. Trying to have Yubel and Johan befriend each other is like trying to get a vengeful cat to forgive a bumbling dog for accidentally eating the cat's food or something, but the cat is too much of a sourpuss to forgive the dog. He's a good guy, he tries to defend his best friend's honor, probably in vain.

Taking a key from his pocket that Asuka lent him today, he unlocks her apartment door and enters, hanging up his blazer. When he removes his shoes, he neatly leaves them by the shoe rack before hooking his fingers around Asuka's usual slippers to take along so he can set them by the balcony door.

Now that they're out of public sight, Yubel finally appears next to him to resume their conversation: "Good doesn't equal not being annoying."

Putting Asuka's slippers down, he makes a flat face. If Yubel just cheered him up about how he's a good person… "So you're saying that I'm annoying too?" he deadpans, faking offense.

There's a very deliberate silence from Yubel.

Shaking his head, Judai walks to the balcony and takes a seat on a chair he laid out, setting the wrapped cupcake box next to his duel disk. He wonders if this is revenge for him always teaming up with Johan. Why can't all cats and dogs just get along? "Maybe I'll visit Johan for three weeks instead of two." Just to spite, he feigns contemplation as he reaches into his back pocket to grab his deck box. "Or maybe four. Five? Oh, six—"

Bristling at the mention of Johan, Yubel grumbles, "If you do, you'll be leaving the girl alone."

In the midst of taking Cyber Tutu's card from his deck, he pauses.

Silence.

He thinks back to those photos of hers. Thinks of how she never stopped him from leaving whenever it was time to leave. Thinks of how she always bid him bye with a smile that sometimes seemed halfhearted. If he leaves, she'll be alone. "She understands," he says, finally. Asuka always tries to understand. She's reasonable. Why would Yubel bring up Asuka like this when they already know that he travels a lot?

"Human hearts seem to be messy," comments Yubel. "I sense one thing, then I sense another that seems to contradict it."

"Contradict?" Raising an eyebrow, Judai slips Cyber Tutu's card at the very top of his deck before inserting it into his resting duel disk on the table.

With a shrug, their response is also equally vague: "Waiting seems to be something she's talented in."

Bewildered, he tilts his head and is about to ask—

The front door opens. "I'm home!"

Startled, Judai jolts in his seat, his previous thoughts left forgotten.

Home. She used it again… Not even an ounce of hesitation when she said that, like it's okay—but that doesn't mean he can just see this as 'home' because of that, right? It's not even his actual home to begin with! The sentiment makes him feel… welcomed.

He shakes his head because there's no point in dwelling on this now. Asuka's just saying it because it's probably something she's accustomed to when she still lived in Japan. She must've said it when she still lived with her family, or in the girls' dormitory with Junko and Momoe. He's just overthinking. It's a bad habit of his, after all.

Standing up, he walks back inside the apartment to go greet her. If she's back, then that means it's getting closer to the evening. "Welcome back," he greets, distractedly looking at the colorful mess of things on the dining table. "Oranges and flowers?" Were they birthday gifts for her? He can't fathom another reason for flowers and fruits today if that wasn't the case.

With a vase in hand, Asuka smiles. "Just a few gifts I got. I could split the oranges with you later?"

He's certainly not one to deny food. "Sure," he grins, beckoning her over. "By the way, come with me for a sec." He takes her wrist and tugs her along, urging her to step into slippers he prepared. She looks perplexed, but still complies.

Inspecting her balcony, Asuka asks him, "Why are we out here?"

That's his cue. "For this." Borrowing some of Yubel's powers, Judai switches on his duel disk and takes Cyber Tutu's card to insert into a slot. Technically, he could still summon her without the duel disk needed, but the duel disk helps prolong the duration more rather than just relying solely on the small amount of Yubel's powers. "Asuka," he says with the Gotcha! pose, smiling warmly over Cyber Tutu's shoulder. "Happy birthday!"

Entrusting the rest to Cyber Tutu, Judai watches as she takes Asuka by her hands and starts her dance. He has no idea what the whole dance routine looks like, but it seems that Cyber Tutu really made use of the time he got for her. Asuka, while appearing stunned, slowly follows her movements. She looks like she really didn't expect any of this, which is good for him. His originality didn't die after all. Contentedly, he sits back and watches, crossing his legs.

Incredulous, Asuka gives him a glance. "How did you remember my birthday...?"

Languidly, Judai crosses his arms over his chest. "You had a note on your calendar. I saw it when I went to grab your blanket from your room the other day. And it isn't that hard to remember. The fifth day of the fifth month. Good thing I planned my visit this time!" He nods approvingly at himself.

To be honest, it was in his mind ever since he had noticed that April was ending—she's the only one he knows whose birthday is in May, so he typically associates her with that month, followed by Johan's birthday in June. (Those two have months all to themselves while Judai gets the honor of sharing a birth month with Manjoume in August. But alas, he's apparently the youngest out of all three of them.) The sticky note he found on Asuka's calendar about Fubuki only reiterates her birthday to him since he's pretty sure that he memorized everyone's birthdays some time ago. Jim's birthday was actually back in March, so the visit from him to Asuka worked out well for Judai anyway.

"You... planned to come back for my birthday?"

Judai squirms in his seat. Gee, she says it like he does not want to remember her birthday or something. "Yeah." He averts his eyes, awkward and apologetic. "Because I forgot to call and tell you Happy Birthday last year when I was away, remember?"

Last year during May, he had been aimlessly wandering somewhere either near Egypt or near European grounds, and he also had some other things to deal with on the side like helping some of the lost spirits he found near there. Johan had his tournament to attend to, so he couldn't help out—Judai supposes this is why he lost track of time when he finally found out that Asuka's birthday passed by the time he wrapped everything up to a close. It wasn't anything universally-threatening like with Paradox, but it still managed to preoccupy Judai enough for him to accidentally miss a fair amount of time. Life gets in the way, he had told her a few times. Each time, she said that she understood.

She lightly begins, "Hm, I was pretty sad about it. I thought you might've forgotten."

He fights back an indignant noise.

Okay, that may be true technically, but—! He still remembered! She didn't sound mad when he apologized over the phone about it, so everything was okay! He ended up just staying with Johan during that time since June was coming up anyway, but Johan didn't help his situation by laughing. Judai remembered throwing a random pillow into his traitorous face when Johan laughed at him and joked, Don't be surprised if she doesn't call or text you back for your birthday! (Contrary to Johan's cruel joke, Asuka did text him. She texted him nicely, he'll add.)

"Asuka!" he whines, feeling like he's reliving the embarrassment again. "I'm here giving you a good birthday and you call me out like this?"

She laughs, sounding freer than ever. "Luckily, you made up for it so I forgive you."

He indignantly sulks by himself at his spot by the sidelines as she continues dancing. She wouldn't have this dance if it weren't for him, so really, it's his victory. Since it's her birthday, she can have the last laugh, but it's his victory! If it weren't for his idea, Cyber Tutu would not be here—none of this would be set up, and they would not be out here on her balcony right now.

When was the last time he planned so much for someone else? Even with Johan, the most he does is assist since his spirit family likes doing all of the planning. They really like doting on him, like how Fubuki dotes on Asuka. Personally, there was never a need to complain since Johan deserves all the support anyway. (Although, it could've been better if Amethyst Cat would stop trying to sass him by saying he'd be in the way.)

And if there's any sort of difference to point out between Asuka and Johan's birthdays, it would be that Johan's family is always there with him.

Asuka has Fubuki—but last he checked, Fubuki is a human being with a life of his own, so it's hard for him to stick around. A duelist's deck and monsters are always kept on hand, but that can't be applied to humans. Sometimes, people can't be available. Sometimes, things happen. Sometimes, things get hard. Sometimes, people have to go away for a while. Judai's been on both ends of the spectrum himself. He can distinguish the feelings that come with these things because he experienced them before. He's also had his fair share of lonely birthdays before.

He can't speak for others, but he does know that the little things matter to Asuka. The little things that remind her that there is some significance in this peace that she lives in by herself, no matter how lonesome it could feel at times. What he wants her to realize is that there are different types of peacefulness out there: lonely peacefulness, sad peacefulness, angry peacefulness, tense peacefulness, happy peacefulness. He still wonders about that day he caught her crying in the living room, wondering whether or not it was related to this. She hardly cries, so he admittedly doesn't know what she's like when she's crying. Since the sight of her crying is so uncommon, it's how he knows that something serious went wrong.

A light nearby snaps him out of his reverie, and he looks over to see Cyber Tutu fading away with a wave. He can tell, from the smile on Asuka's face, that tonight has been a success on his part. This smile looks a lot more heartfelt to him.

Donning a cheeky smile, he teases, "Admit it: you were having the time of your life just now."

She rolls her eyes. "All right. I had the time of my life just now."

He can't tell if that was sarcasm or not, but it's good enough for him. "Good girl!" Deeming it appropriate, Judai takes the cupcake box and leaves it on his palm for her to take. "Also, this is for you. I picked it up after you left." Tentatively taking it, she slowly pries it open. "At first, I was only going outside for a short walk. But then I saw this cupcake in the window on my way—the colors reminded me of you, so I had to get it. They ran out of candles though, so I guess you don't have anything to make a wish on." Sheepish, he rubs the back of his neck.

Her eyes soften. "It's okay. I don't really care about the candles. I still love it without them."

Relieved, he nods. "That's good. Do you still have a wish in mind, though? Can't hurt to still, y'know, wish for it. It is your birthday, after all."

Giving it some thought, Asuka replies, "I don't think I have any wishes that I really want right now. I'm— I'm content." She starts eating, taking small bites.

Judai scrutinizes her. Does that mean she already had her wishes granted? "Not even one little thing?"

"Nope," she says, blunt.

The way she said it makes him believe that she really doesn't have any wishes left in mind, so he lets the conversation trail. "Hmm."

What sort of things does Asuka wish for? He knows about her wish to find Fubuki, but he fulfilled that so long ago already. Surely, she has other things that she wants in life? She never really expressed much about what she wants because she tends to live in the present, focusing on what she already has. He can understand that since he also does the same, but he thought that it would be her who would generally have more wishes out of the two of them.

Judai used to have more wishes of his own: to aspire to become like Yugi-san when he grows up, to have friends, to have fun, to duel to his heart's content, for things to not change, to enjoy life. More than half of this list became disrupted when the Dark World happened and after his face-to-face meeting with Darkness that almost resulted in the apocalypse, but in a way, all of this had opened him up to making simpler, fewer wishes. Nowadays, he just simply wants to enjoy dueling again as he travels the world to help people. Simple. Everyday is pretty interesting, so he supposes that it's hard for him to have wishes anymore because all of his smaller wishes seemed to have been granted at some point during his travels.

But for Asuka, she's full of ambition and she strives a lot to achieve her goals.

With that type of mindset, Judai thought that she would have some things that she wants for herself. He's not sure what exactly—just anything that she might want for herself and her own personal happiness. She's always doing things for others, so he sometimes wonders when she wants personal happiness for herself. Even with finding Fubuki, it seemed like she wanted to do it for herself and Fubuki. So, to know that she apparently already has all of her wishes granted, he isn't sure how he should react since he'd been so sure that she had some personal wishes of her own.

While Asuka sits there and peacefully eats her cupcake, Winged Kuriboh decides to show up in front of him.

It squeaks at him, and Judai quietly raises an eyebrow when it gestures a paw at Asuka. It seems to be begging him for something about her. It gestures again at her with large pouting eyes. Luckily, he's fluent enough in understanding Winged Kuriboh-nese to know what it wants by now. Grabbing his deck from the duel disk, he scours for the right card before inserting it in a slot next to Cyber Tutu's resting card.

Winged Kuriboh's translucent body becomes solid, briefly encased in light. "Kuri!"

Feeling Asuka's curiosity spike, he elaborates, "It wanted to tell you Happy Birthday too. It wouldn't stop bugging me about it." As he says this, Winged Kuriboh sits on her head. Head perching is affectionate for Winged Kuriboh, so it seems to like her as much as it likes him and Johan. When did it get so fond of her anyway? Then again, Winged Kuriboh is always nice like that.

Asuka seems to be fond of it too. "Thank you, Winged Kuriboh." It enthusiastically chirps back at her, looking really happy as she pets it and warmly smiles.

He rolls his eyes at the two of them bonding, feeling the overly sweet atmosphere. What is he? Chopped liver? Osiris, it's like he's the third wheel here! At least with Johan, Ruby is there to balance the numbers a bit. "What about me? I planned this whole thing, y'know."

"It was very thoughtful of you," she simpers.

Judai nods seriously, playing along. "Exactly. So I should get some thanks for my overly-thoughtful gesture, huh, Asuka?"

Finishing her cupcake, she rolls her eyes. "Thank you, Judai."

His hand cups his ear. "Say it again."

"Thank you." Winged Kuriboh floats off her head and lands on her lap, and she pets it.

Casually, he repeats, "Again."

"Thank you."

He smiles, fighting back a laugh. "Okay, one last time—"

"I love you," she blurts instead, voice shaky and head bowed.

His eyes widen enormously, the jokes on the tip of his tongue completely gone as his mind blanks on him.

...Huh?

Suddenly, everything seems to stop functioning for Judai. Somehow managing to process the words, echoing endlessly in his head, he's unable to ask her to repeat herself in case he heard wrong, because he did not hear her wrong at all and there are questions in his head.

Why me? Why? How could it be me? Why? How? How?—

It's starting to become jumbled in his head.

She loves him?

There is nothing he can deny about their friendship; that's important to him. But with the way she said it, small and wavering and scared, it doesn't seem like she is saying it to him in the context of friendship. Their friendship is something that she's aware of too, so she wouldn't look so hesitant if it was that.

But it isn't that.

She just said that she loves him.

It makes him dive into a vicious cycle of thoughts: Johan's disappearance, Dark World, his actions, her death, everyone's deaths, Yubel's love, the promises—

Before it was revealed to him that everyone was still alive and trapped in another dimension separate from the Dark World by Yubel, Judai truly believed that they all died for a while. Died. Dead. Gone. For a moment, it really felt like everything was crushed for him when he saw it happen with his own two eyes. It's one of the heavier reasons why he can never forgive Brron for instigating their duel that day—for using everyone's souls as ingredients for Super Fusion—like it didn't matter that those were actual people he was using as sacrifices. Like it didn't matter that the people being sacrificed had a life of their own to live for. Like everything just never mattered to him as long as he survived.

It left Judai unable to handle the burden and anger it placed in his heart, and he supposes that's how he became shrouded in the darkness for a while by the Haou who resided in him. It made him realize the course of his actions the hard way when he got his body back; made him realize that playing hero is not all fun and games.

But he wasn't trying to play hero that time. He just wanted to bring Johan back.

And clearly, that had not gone even half as well as he had hoped.

Johan was someone Judai could feel that he could finally connect with. He really believes that Johan is the person closest to him when it comes to friends, which is why he feels comfortable enough to call Johan his best friend. He always knew the right things to say, the right things to do. Johan is very open, very honest. It's one of the reasons why Judai feels as though he can tell him a lot of things, because Johan never mocked him for anything he did and looks at things with an open perspective. Johan gave him confidence to believe in himself. It's no wonder that Judai would feel very devastated upon finding out that he vanished that day during the duel with Yubel.

And it was Asuka who came to tell him that it wasn't his fault.

She had no clue what entirely happened during that duel; had no idea of the conversation he and Johan had with Yubel, nor did she find out what exactly happened that made Johan vanish. But she still ran up to him. Took him by the arms and told him that it wasn't his fault. Told him that he saved everyone, like he was some hero even though he personally didn't even feel that way at all. Heroes don't lose people. He had wondered if Asuka even realized that. She was so concerned. Ever since Johan's disappearance, she was always concerned for him.

It touched Judai that she would look out for him so much, despite the prominent hurt in his chest during the whole trip in the Dark World. She probably kept it to herself until that day where he saved that boy, Kyle, because that had been the first time she and everyone else found out about the death duels. Asuka's concern seemed immeasurable by then. It really frustrated him. It didn't feel right to him that his promise to her about not getting involved in more death duels was so halfhearted, but it also didn't feel right to tell her that he would go through with those duels if only to get Johan back. She cared so much that he wasn't sure how to properly reassure her, because it seemed like anything he could say would only have the opposite effect.

Still, a promise was a promise.

Then he broke it. He broke that promise of staying safe and got her involved, and she paid the price with Fubuki, Manjoume, and Kenzan. It still makes him feel bittersweet about it. They've all come back and they're all okay again in the present right now, but Judai is still the one who instigated all of it in the first place. He got all of them too involved, and it leaves a permanent scar within himself. That promise with Asuka, along with the one with Yubel that he couldn't remember at first, are some of the reasons why promises hit a sour spot for him.

Which is why, right now, this same scar is throbbing again the more Asuka's confession echoes in his head.

'I love you.'

He says nothing, sitting there and feeling this pain resonate with this long-lasting guilt and regret as he painfully curls his fingers tightly.

'I love you.'

What is he supposed to do? What can he even do? What can he even say?

Does she not know that this would only get her more involved? Does she remember what happened in the Dark World? Does she know that he attracts trouble for people? Does she know about the whole story with Yubel? Does she remember that he isolated himself for a while in their last year of school because of all of this? Does she know that he's tired of getting hurt? Does she know that he went through a lot?

Does she?

The uneasiness thickens inside of him, making him furrow his brow.

Judai knew he was being difficult whenever she tried to talk to him after they returned to this dimension. He can't pin the blame on anything since he purposefully sought to avoid everyone. It didn't help that Asuka and everyone else were gone again during that meeting he had with Darkness. It led him to believe that they were all better off not getting too involved with him anymore. It's why he limits his visits within the span of two weeks for everyone. He wanders. It's what he does. He'll wander again after these two weeks are up, like usual.

But that's for later, and now is now. She's currently defying what he wants, and he wants no part in this. He can't even give her a proper answer because he never had those types of feelings for her to begin with, if any at all.

Regardless, she needs an answer.

But he doesn't want her to get involved again.

It's like he's cornered, but she needs an answer.

So, he'll give her one.

"Asuka…" Judai frowns sadly, sighing because he knows his answer will hurt her again. This is the only way. It will keep her safe. Better now than later. Better now before she could get seriously hurt. "I— Um, I can't accept your feelings." He doesn't look at her because he doesn't want to see the hurt. "I… promised Yubel that I love them. They're in here—" He places a palm on his heart. "—because of what I did. I… made a promise to them a long time ago."

Right. He promised Yubel. A promise is a promise.

He broke that promise with her that day. He got her to become sacrificed to Brron because he didn't listen to her to stay out of the death duels. Maybe it can be him who can look out for her this time, even if it means breaking her heart. Because, at least, she can still be safe this way. What he couldn't do for Yubel, he can do for Asuka.

Man, he really doesn't like promises. They always seem to hurt.

Can't it… stop for a moment?

Snapping out of his thoughts, he sees Asuka smile. He's not sure how much it stings for her, but this smile doesn't seem to look right on her face. "That's okay." She keeps smiling. Why does she still smile? "We can still be friends? All these years of friendship, I think it would be hard to forget that."

"Yeah," he awkwardly agrees, still not looking at her because her smile makes this guilt stronger. Judai tells her with earnesty, "You're one of my best friends, Asuka." He can't really salvage anything right now, like the lighthearted atmosphere from earlier, since it's too late. But she is still someone important to him, and he wants her to know that.

"Mine too, Judai." Her voice seems softer and faint, like she's trying so hard to keep it together in front of him.

It makes him want to apologize, because see? This is why she shouldn't get involved with him. She sounds and looks like she's ready to cry because of him. He wants to apologize because it seems like he's going to hurt her no matter what happens right now. He can't seem to make things go right anymore without something else involuntarily happening in correspondence. Everything's just spiraling down quickly into shambles, and he's unfortunately not fast enough to pick up those pieces from splattering everywhere. This is probably the aftermath of it.

Desperately, he tries to get the words out: "I'm—"

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry I'm putting you through this. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry for being like this. I'm sorry I couldn't keep that promise. I'm sorry I couldn't make your birthday happy. I'm—

"—Thanks again for today," she interrupts him with another smile. It adds to his anxiety, and he wonders if his answer really meant that much to her. "I had fun. Meeting Cyber Tutu has always been something I wanted. I didn't expect the dance, though, but it was a nice bonus."

With the way she interrupted his sentence, it's obvious that something did break for her. Hesitantly, Judai grabs Cyber Tutu's card off his duel disk and quietly offers it to her without looking at her smile. "No problem. I'm glad I could make it up to you, about missing your previous birthday."

"My next birthday better be as grand as this," she murmurs, petting Winged Kuriboh on her lap.

Conflicted, he says, "Who knows," because he really doesn't know. He doesn't even know if he can make it here to her apartment next year since he's pretty spontaneous when it comes to traveling. He's even missed a few of Johan's previous birthdays before, so it's not like it would be that different if he missed some of Asuka's birthdays too.

But knowing this, it only makes him feel worse. If she seldom has company, aside from her brother, that would mean Judai's visits are how she gets familiar company these days.

Being social is Johan's specialty—he meets plenty of different duelists and people during his tournaments. Given what they're pursuing, Manjoume, Edo, and Sho also meet a lot of people. Asuka can be social too, and she's good at it. Fubuki sometimes gushed about her having charisma or whatever that is, so Judai knows that she isn't anti-social. She's merely introverted by nature, not really talking unless someone approaches her or if she's in a social mood herself. Since she's the only one out of their circle of friends living in America currently, he can understand why she's not really that social anymore.

Which brings him back to square one. He can't help but feel like she sometimes gets lonely, given her living situation. And he had just rejected her. Him, one of the few people who liked paying her occasional visits just because he has the ability and time to do so. It would be unfair to either of them if he did something like run away, especially after he rejected her. He shouldn't run away because she wanted an answer from him, and he gave her an honest one.

But in actuality, on the inside, he really does want to run away.

Because he just hurt her feelings and her heart, and it makes him feel tenfold worse despite his reasoning. First he hurt Yubel, and now he hurts Asuka. It only reiterates how badly he can affect people with his actions.

He hadn't been aware that the damage his rejection inflicted would make Asuka look like she wanted to cry. She still has never, ever cried in front of him. That one time in her living room when he woke up from his nap, he only witnessed it due to intervention on Winged Kuriboh's part. For her to look like she's about to cry right in front of him… It makes him a little anxious. Yubel's interpretation of love and pain, from when they were still tainted by the light, hadn't exactly been a common idea that modern society thinks about these days. Society makes it seem like it's a really happy thing, but love can be a double-edged sword.

Because if love was really that simple, then Yubel wouldn't have suffered so much and Asuka wouldn't be on the verge of tears right now and he wouldn't have to bear with this permanent burden of breaking her heart.

He broke her heart.

He broke Asuka's heart on her birthday.

This makes him mull depressingly as they sit in a long silence, not sure how badly this guilt can skyrocket right now. Inwardly frustrated, he halfheartedly wishes that Yusei-san was here with his time-traveling dragon so that Judai can go back in time to prevent Asuka from confessing again, but Yusei-san is in a whole different time period now that Paradox is no more.

How would he and Asuka even talk anymore? How could they even act like friends anymore? This is the price he has to pay for wanting to keep her safe? Why does everything have to get hurt when he just wants the hurting to stop? What happened to that cheery, lighthearted atmosphere they had not even twenty minutes ago before they were submerged in hard silence?

Why is life so hard?

As he continues to brood, he notices that Asuka placed Winged Kuriboh on the table next to his duel disk, trying to look like everything's okay. He gives her a concerned look, which she tries her hardest to not acknowledge by not looking at him. He can't even feel offended, all things considered. Just… really sad.

Sounding pseudo-composed, Asuka tells him, "It's getting darker and I don't have a jacket. I think I'll go back inside to take a shower before I catch a cold." He wants to reply with something—anything—back to her, but her broken smile prevents him from doing it. Please don't look like that. "Goodnight. Thank you again for the birthday gifts."

Crestfallen, Judai resignedly slumps his shoulders and averts his eyes to the ground as he reluctantly lets her walk away. Osiris… How did her birthday turn into this? He visited her this time to make up for missing her birthday, and it was going fine until it somehow became the exact opposite of everything he had hoped for.

Staying outside on the balcony, he thinks it would be for the best if he stays out here until after she falls asleep before attempting to go back inside. It wouldn't be wise if they bumped into each other in the hallway right now, not with her in this almost-crying condition and him drenched head-to-toe in guilt.

He still feels like running away, but he won't. He's tired of running away. He's not going to run away when Asuka is here, clearly hurting because of him. He'll give her the space that she needs and he needs, but he won't run away. Running away would only cause more trouble, and he isn't sure if it could get any worse than this right now. Isn't that adult life anyway? Learning to deal with things? He used to seem so sure that he could learn to live with adult lifestyle, but that never meant he was ready for unprompted love confessions or breaking the hearts of people close to him or ruining birthdays or ruining friendships—

Sighing loudly, Judai looks up at the sky in a depressed manner. Adult life sucks.

Yubel appears next to him, but doesn't say anything. Winged Kuriboh also doesn't leave him, opting to quietly sit on the table probably to offer its presence. Well, at least the company is nice out here—

Wait. Doesn't Asuka have that phone call with Fubuki tonight? Would she even want to have that phone call anymore? It's not a secret that Asuka and Fubuki mean a lot to each other, so it'd be pretty bad if she couldn't even have a phone call with her own brother on her special day just because Judai broke her heart—

Hanging his head, he says miserably, "Adult life really sucks."

Simply, Yubel replies, "It does." Had he not been extremely depressed already, they probably would've inserted a smart comment or witty insult somewhere in that two-worded sentence. At least Yubel is considerate enough to know when to not insult him. "You had missed her other birthdays before," they point out, arms crossed.

Understanding the hidden meaning, he looks down at his hands. "I thought I could kill two birds with one stone this time since I hadn't visited her in a while anyway." This is the first time he tries to make up for missing her birthday by planning her birthday. If he knew things would get to this point, then maybe he shouldn't have gone through with it at all.

As her friend, he just wanted her to have a good birthday this year. But right now, he's not sure if he can even call himself a friend anymore. He wants to prevent her from being involved with him because he cares for her as a friend, but friends also don't crush each others' hearts on their birthdays either. What could he even do in a case like this anyway? He could only choose one option, and neither seemed good.

What if she's crying right now and he doesn't even know it?

Leaning down, Judai rests his head into his hands, burying his face into his palms tiredly. "Yubel?"

"Yes?"

With a sad smile, he says from behind his palms, "You were wrong earlier. Everything didn't turn out okay after all."

Yubel says nothing in this silence, and Judai finds it comforting the more he sits out here. He tries to smile more sincerely at a worried Winged Kuriboh, but he quickly drops it, lacking much energy to smile right now.

Letting his chin rest on his palms, he quietly lets his eyes stray to Asuka's empty chair and finishes the sentence that he wasn't able to tell her: I'm sorry.

He exhales.

Adult life really, really sucks.