vii. seven; reverse
Fishing is his favorite hobby, but he has never gone fishing so much in his life before until the previous week started. And he's going fishing again today. Manjoume might have somehow bumped into him yesterday and they hung out, but maybe Judai will actually get a peaceful day of fishing by himself today. Maybe. Only Yubel and the universe knows about his mental stability right now, and it's definitely not his first time trying to use fishing as a way of taking his mind off stuff anyway.
He really thought he was going to get that alone time today if it weren't for something snatching his sleeve when he passed by the living room on his way to the front door, fishing rod over his shoulder. Given his location, he knows who snatched his sleeve without even looking.
So, Judai stops walking.
"Could I—" Asuka tries to say from behind him, but it ends up sounding awkward. "Could I come along?"
After figuring out her intentions with yesterday's dinner, it's not much of a shock that she'd try to reach out to him again. It just didn't occur to him that she'd feel courageous enough to voluntarily go fishing with him after he broke her heart not even forty-eight hours ago. Asuka seems to instigate a lot of things that he found himself never experiencing so much until her confession happened. Boy, if he thought he has never used his brain or fished so much in his entire life until now, then he can safely add 'never tried so hard to repair a friendship before' to the list as well.
Wondering how long that list would actually be, Judai absently asks, "I thought you didn't like to go fishing?"
She immediately replies, "I like it! I like sitting there and watching." Her fingers are still on his sleeve. "I just don't like that trout," she grumbles, like how Yubel grumbles about Johan.
So many stubborn people he's surrounded by. It's a little funny to him. He stifles a laugh, mildly humored. "The trout might come back if you come along. It likes you, after all."
"That'll be my problem," she insists.
Fighting a smile, he supposes he should at least be grateful to the trout because it actually got him and Asuka talking again. (Besides, he's not the one with a personal vendetta against it anyway.) "You might get bored."
"Also my problem," she retorts, unrelenting. For a second, he has to wonder if this is really the same girl who sadly walked out on him midway during their talk in the bathroom. It's like she doesn't want to acknowledge that conversation ever happened anymore, which is pretty disappointing because he actually wanted to continue that conversation.
It seems that Judai may never get that free day of fishing to himself, ever. But she's trying to reach out to him again after what felt like eons of awkwardness, so maybe he can let it slide again and let her come along anyway. If she's making some effort from her end, then he can too. He can worry about that bathroom conversation another time, or at least whenever she feels like acknowledging it again.
"Alright, you can come along then. Just don't complain when the trout comes back." And just because he knows this, he adds, "Pick your book and then we'll go."
She considers the idea, hesitant. "I'll be right back." She finally lets go of him and trails the hallway to her room, probably rummaging for a book or something. Leaning against the wall to wait, Judai sighs to himself the moment she walks into her room.
Man, what he would give just to have a semblance of the old days where Asuka could freely call him an idiot and he'd be able to laugh it off and she'd shake her head at him and he'd smile at her and everything would still be fine.
.
.
He quietly releases a bluegill he just caught, fixing his line.
Behind him, Asuka is either reading her book or tinkering with her deck. She brought it along this time, which he has no qualms with since it's helping maintain this semi-peaceful silence right now. It had been like this ever since they stepped out of her apartment to come here. If anything, it only serves as a reminder of the stark contrast from the usual atmosphere they shared. Amidst this silence, he's been fishing and thinking about things like the bathroom conversation or how she fell in love with him, and it's a gnawing feeling because he can't figure it out for the life of him. Gosh, Asuka sure has strange tastes in guys—
Entertained, Yubel speaks up, Perhaps you should bring it up if it's bothering you so much.
Judai casts his line. I feel like that'll get me in trouble.
They sigh. But you're already in trouble.
He grumbles inwardly, not retorting anymore. It seems like he keeps hitting dead ends everywhere, no matter who it is.
A brief silence, then Yubel says, You should still discuss this with her.
He wriggles his fishing rod a little to attract fish. Why?
Because I'm tired of listening to you two. It's quite chaotic. Yubel sounds annoyed. She has not moved on, in case you were wondering, they point out, like it's of some great importance that he should know about it for whatever reason, which he doesn't understand because what good would it do if he knows that she has not moved on from—
She has not moved on from him…? Not moved on…?
...Your point? Awkwardly, he focuses his eyes on the fishing line.
You said you wanted to be happy. You're not happy right now.
Yeah, he's not happy. He's conflicted.
Is it really that easy as it sounds? He feels like he doesn't even know where to begin, let alone bringing it up with Asuka.
I'm not saying to rescind your answer— Yubel patiently interrupts his train of thoughts. —but isn't your society always emphasizing finding closure to resolve something? I thought you wanted to grow up.
Yubel is a really fast learner of modern society, he concludes. This is all Yubel has left to say as they're quietly receding back into his soul to let him think. He can tell his overthinking lately worries them, so he appreciates that they're even voluntarily giving him all of this time to himself. He doesn't want to worry Yubel, but he also doesn't want to screw things up more with Asuka. He's already managed to make so many wrong moves, and the hole he dug for himself on her birthday just keeps getting deeper. It's exactly like being stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.
But maybe Yubel has a point.
Maybe it's time for him and Asuka to have a talk, no matter how much it scares him. No matter how it brings back memories for him.
Because he wants them to be friends again. Because he misses her. Friends shouldn't feel like they're worlds apart from each other, after all. He wants to grow up.
Discreetly, Judai peeks over his shoulder to see her immersed into… a game by herself? Asuka seems pretty focused as she looks at her cards in her hands, appearing contemplative and frowning. Lately, he feels like if she looks like this, then she's probably thinking about this week's events. But while Judai overthinks about things in general, Asuka tends to overthink the details. Maybe Yubel was right to call the two of them chaotic.
He stops fishing and inquires aloud, "Could we duel?"
Before he dedicated himself to fishing in third year, he used to let dueling decide things for him. Personally, it was a great way for him to settle things. Every duel is spontaneous and truthful, and you can just be yourself when you duel. Sure he's had his run-ins with cheaters before, but one can only have so many cheap shots up their sleeves before they finally run out. He'd like to let a duel decide for him because he wants this decision to be as solid as possible, like all of his duels with Asuka.
Jostling a little, Asuka stirs out of her thoughts and hesitantly eyes him. "What about fishing?"
Reeling back his empty hook, he thinks it's worth a shot to try. "It can wait—it's not like the fish will go anywhere." He places his rod down gently. "Besides… This duel is sort of important to me."
She looks confused. "What do you mean?"
Smiling as he takes out his deck from his deck box, he vaguely tells her, "I'll tell you after the duel."
Looking skeptical, Asuka reshuffles her deck and starts grabbing the first five cards. Had she used words to convey the message in her eyes, she probably would've said to his face, You better. He honestly wouldn't mind if she did, because it would be like old times again.
Judai sits down across from her on the grass, also shuffling his deck with a friendly grin before grabbing five cards. "We haven't dueled in a while. This is nice." It's hard to imagine that it's almost been two weeks and they haven't had a duel yet while he's here—but in retrospect, it's been pretty hard to duel, given what's been happening.
"Mhm," she hums, distracted. "I'll go first, I suppose."
He hopes his deck and cards will guide him to the right decision as their duel starts.
.
.
"I play Pot of Greed," Asuka declares, showing him the card from her hand before placing it in her Graveyard and drawing two cards.
Judai nods, staring at the amount of cards in her hands briefly before refocusing on his and the field.
She got rid of Elemental HERO Burst Lady when they began the duel, but he managed to fusion-summon Elemental HERO Sailorman before she could seriously nick at his lifepoints. However, her efforts came close, managing to lower him to 2200. He got rid of some of her monsters as well, toppling her to 1400 lifepoints. So far, she has a good set-up against Sailorman's 1400 attack, but Judai's hoping to use his special effect come his next turn.
And, of course, Asuka will not let him have that chance. "I activate Machine Angel Ritual, and I offer both Blade Skater and Cyber Gymnast to bring forth Cyber Angel Dakini!"
Knowingly, he takes Elemental HERO Necrodarkman's card and places it in his Graveyard pile. "I'll remove Necrodarkman because of Dakini's effect." It's only Sailorman on the field now, but luckily he has the right cards in his hand to help prolong himself a bit longer.
Asuka frowns. "I'll attack your Sailorman with Dakini."
He calmly places Sailorman into his Graveyard, bringing his lifepoints down to 1300.
"I'll set this and end my turn." She sets a card facedown.
Looking at her from over his cards, he comments, "Relax a little, Asuka. You don't seem happy," before drawing and setting Attack Nullification in his Trap and Spell zone.
Her deepening frown really exemplifies her mood right now. In his defense, telling her right now would defeat the whole purpose of this duel—and he sort of wants to prolong the duel because it's been so long since they've dueled, and he misses this too. He misses many things they've shared. So far, this duel is probably the closest they'll ever get to going back to normal. He can be selfish to want things like this once in a while, right?
She keeps frowning. "I'm just wondering why we're even having this duel, Judai."
Casually, he replies, "Soon." Using Flute of Summoning Kuriboh from his hand, he places Winged Kuriboh's card in defense position after finding it from his deck. He places A Hero Emerges in his Trap and Spell zone, and ends his turn.
The frown seems permanent on her face as Asuka summons Cyber Tutu on her field after drawing a card. It's reminiscent of their tag duel. This whole duel right now reminds him of that, back when she angrily accepted Rei's Partner Change card and switched places to team up with Kenzan. Judai distinctly remembered that she said she was sick of teaming up with him that day. Ouch. "I'll attack with Dakini."
He flips over Attack Nullification, grinning at her as he dramatically dangles it to her face and sets it to his Graveyard pile.
She only rolls her eyes, looking unamused. "Turn end."
He draws Hope of Fifth and sets it into his Trap and Spell zone, and ends his turn.
She also draws a card before activating Prima Light to replace Cyber Tutu with Cyber Prima. "I'll attack with Cyber Prima."
Merrily, Judai flips over A Hero Emerges. "Pick a card, any card!" he chimes, holding up his hand that only contains Elemental HERO Neos, H - Heated Heart, and Elemental HERO Bladedge. She unknowingly gestures to Neos on the left, and he's tempted to laugh. Neos never fails him when it comes to luck, and he's still living up to it. "Thanks!" Summoning Neos in attack position, he also decides to use H - Heated Heart. "I'll equip this on Neos and have him destroy Dakini. I end my turn." Her lifepoints drop to 1100.
He watches Asuka discard Dakini to her Graveyard before drawing a card. "Someone's grumpy today." Looking frustrated, she glares darkly at him. Sheepish, he smiles apologetically. Jokes don't seem to bode well with an annoyed Asuka, despite the intention of lighthearted talk. For every glare he gets from her nowadays, he understands Kenzan's fear more.
She sets a card face down in her Trap and Spell zone, then activates The Warrior Returning Alive spell card from her hand. "I'll use this to bring back Cyber Gymnast." Scouring through her Graveyard, she sets Cyber Gymnast in defense position. Asuka also discards a Fusion card to the Graveyard to meet the card conditions. "Her special ability lets me destroy one attack-position monster if I discard a card. I'll choose Neos."
A little disappointed, he puts Neos in his Graveyard. He'd been hoping for Neos to keep being his ace on the field a little longer. If he could just attack her life points—if he could win this duel—then, he can tell her.
"I'll attack Winged Kuriboh with Cyber Prima," she boldly proclaims. Judai also sets Winged Kuriboh to the side as well. "Turn end."
Drawing Elemental HERO Sparkman, Judai begins to set Bladedge's card in attack position. "I'll use Necrodarkman's special ability now and summon Elemental HERO Bladedge from my hand." He looks up at her. "I'll use him to get rid of Cyber Prima."
The moment she flips over a card to reveal Doble Passé, Judai's eyes widen a bit, briefly startled.
"It's a tie," she smiles, looking satisfied. He simply stares at the cards still laid out on the grass, unmoving.
A tie.
He didn't win this time.
This duel made a decision for him, just like what he wanted, but he feels a bit stung.
Putting on a halfhearted grin, he gathers his cards. "I was wondering when you'd use that. It's your signature card, after all." Shifting a bit, his expression slackens. "I was going to tell you something if I won, but we ended up with a draw."
Tilting her head after regathering her cards, she looks a little hurt and says, "You can still tell me."
He sits, being still.
Don't be a coward, Yubel grouses. Do not let everything you thought of earlier amount to nothing.
He really doesn't want that to happen.
"Alright." Judai takes a moment for himself. "I've been doing some thinking lately. About what happened… during your birthday." He tries not to look at her face, because he knows it will bring back memories for her. "You probably noticed that I've been stepping out a lot. I've been coming here to think."
"So that's why it's been so quiet lately," she mumbles back.
He nods. "Yubel and I have been discussing." Manjoume is not brought up, because this is his mess and not Manjoume's. "I like visiting you, I like staying over, I like talking with you, I like eating with you, I like seeing you around, I like dueling with you. I guess, I sort of see your apartment as a comfort place." He still can't get his thoughts together about it, but he, at least, knows this much. He wants her to know that there is something special about their bond. "I don't really visit the others as often as I do here, except Johan probably. But even then, I still come back here if I can't think of anywhere else to go. I don't even mind it when you scold me about stuff since no one really does that to me often anymore, except Yubel. Makes me feel like someone really cares."
Looking away, Asuka leans her chin against her knees. "That's because you're reckless," she grumbles, and he has enough sense to feel sheepish. "We all care, Judai."
He latches onto this statement with a small not-really-a-joke joke of his own because he knows this and is grateful to everyone, but doesn't know how to express it: "And I know I'll be fine because I've got you and everyone else looking after me. Remember my chin bruise?" Tilting his head up briefly, he shows her the band-aid still attached. She went through the trouble to force it on him, so he didn't want to take it off early and let her efforts be in vain, no matter how silly it makes him look. "And also Fujiwara Yusuke? You were really fed up with me by then, huh?"
She doesn't mince her words: "Everyone was." It helps him see just how fed up she had been with him, inducing another wave of sheepishness. Boy, if he made her feel like that so much, then good heavens, how did she fall in love with him? It's baffling.
"Anyway," he says, dismissive. He'll worry about that stuff later. "Yubel thinks it's good that you could take care of me in ways that they can't because they're a spirit and hardly have the resources to take care of me as we travel."
Yubel never outright claimed that, but he knows anyway because they're soul partners. Because he entrusts himself to Yubel, and they take care of him. If Yubel can't take care of him, then they find someone who can. In order to do that, Yubel needs to have some faith in that person.
Tentative, Asuka coaxes, "And?"
And Yubel trusts you.
"And… Yubel doesn't mind it that much if it's you. We both don't mind it that much." Judai holds onto his deck. He holds onto these cards tightly, because these are his cherished heroes and these heroes give him courage when he needs it. "So, I've been doing more thinking, and... Well— It might not be a bad idea if I could keep coming back. To your place, I mean."
"W-What?" She looks really shocked, which he can't blame her for.
It urges him to amend with, "This isn't something that I'm good at," because he doesn't know how to handle it. Because he doesn't know what to do. Because he's clueless. But he's trying. "There are still a lot of things that I'm trying to think about. You're one of the people who've seen some of the things I've been through."
He gives a stiff nod when she replies, "Like the Dark World?" There has never been another moment where he suffered more than what happened in that dimension. Never. It gave him a real, genuine reason to fear. It gave all of them a real, genuine reason to fear. "I was scared. Kenzan-kun told me that you changed a lot, and I didn't know everything that happened. It was like you were someone new."
He remembers. He remembers hiding everything from everyone, everyone who shouldn't have been involved—and that includes Asuka. But as sad as it was, they all still became involved. Johan disappeared, Judai wanted to bring him back, and everyone else wanted to help him look for Johan. Helping is supposed to be a good thing, but it didn't turn out good at all. It's like a domino effect gone horribly wrong.
Everything changed.
They changed.
He changed.
This amount of guilt is immeasurable, and it probably shows on his face because it sorta hurts his jaw to make a smile right now. "Everything can change," he says with experience, wearied. "Even when you don't want them to."
He never wants to remember it, but he does anyway. For a while, he's accepted that he has to live with it. He tries to not let it get to him, which is why he's been getting by with no real problems nowadays, but it's something that lingers in the back of his head other times. Despite Johan and everyone being back, Judai never really brought it up to any of them, even when he bumped into them after graduation. It was never something he could bring up—because why would he, right? He left it untouched. It just… lingers there, like it's stuck in limbo. For a few years, it's been that way for him.
Yet, here is Asuka bringing it back for him.
A part of him wants to be mad, mad that she had to remind him of these sour experiences—but he doesn't. She doesn't know how he really feels about it since he never really told her how he felt until now. He's always hid it because it's his burden, not hers. Not anyone else's. It's his.
Yubel has to remind him that they share partial blame for being the one who brought everyone to the Dark World in the first place, but Judai was adamant to also remind them that it's because of the light overtaking Yubel with its influence. It felt like he was playing some sort of blame game when Yubel tried to rationally point out their own behavior towards his visiting friends before their card was sent off to space. It wasn't Yubel's fault, he wants to believe. They just wanted to protect him.
Instead, if only he knew.
If only he knew he had Haou's reincarnated soul inside of him sooner. If only he knew about his past sooner. If only he remembered Yubel sooner. If only he knew things sooner, then maybe things wouldn't have messed up so much. Maybe he could've prevented Johan from going missing. Maybe he could've saved Yubel from the light sooner. Maybe everyone wouldn't have died in the Dark World. Maybe they wouldn't even be in the Dark World if he knew sooner. Maybe the world wouldn't be at stake so much. Maybe Asuka wouldn't have to worry about him so much. Maybe she could've fallen in love with someone else who wouldn't have broken her heart or ruined her birthday.
Maybe if Judai was normal, then it wouldn't have been so damn bad.
But he isn't normal, and he's so tired.
His hands clench around his deck.
Unbothered, Asuka sounds patient: "For every bad change, there can be good change. It's up to you whether or not you want to accept those changes." He doesn't even know if he wants these changes, let alone determine if they're good or bad right now. "And if you can't, then that's fine. There'll be more changes. You said so yourself: everything can change."
And what if I don't like it? "New change can't change death," he mutters, smiling emptily.
Misawa had once told him, in the form of a fun fact, about how smiling releases endorphins and can scientifically prove that it makes you feel happier and less stressed. So why is it that Judai doesn't feel any of that right now, despite the attempt?
"No. Nothing can," Asuka answers him softly, sounding rational. "But change means being able to grow past it and live. Change means understanding what you did and to grow. You understood what you did had consequences—and you feel guilty over it. But if that's all you do, how will you spend your life? Growing up means dealing with these things, but it's also not an excuse to be mopey about it."
With her logic, he wonders if he has 'grown' up at all. Manjoume learned to grow up. It makes Judai think he's the one falling behind for once.
This is probably the point that Asuka is trying to make, because she persistently says, "It's okay to make mistakes, because that proves you're normal. I never blamed you when we came back. Nii-san didn't. Manjoume-kun was angry, but he didn't either. Kenzan-kun didn't. Sho-kun didn't. If they still did, then they wouldn't really be friends. But we're all still friends now, even if we're far away."
This makes him think back to the duel with Brron. Judai's always wondered if there was a reason why everyone was branded the way they were. Had Brron intended to brand Asuka with 'Sadness?' Why 'Sadness?' The vagueness left him wondering for a while. He wanted to know if all the things she had said that day were things that she genuinely thought of, or if they were just projections of sad thoughts due to being inflicted by 'Sadness.' She even blamed him. Blamed him for betraying everyone. It made him feel worse—because in a way, it was the truth.
But despite those shortcomings, he would like to believe that the real Asuka would not tell him those things.
Asuka resumes talking, and something inside of him wilts: "Johan wouldn't want you like this either, because he also knows it's not your fault. He'd feel sad if he found out that you're still sad over it."
Johan had never brought it up with him. Not once. Judai has a hunch that it's intentional.
"You were lost," continues Asuka, a plea in her voice. "You didn't know what would happen. There is nothing wrong with wanting to save a friend. I may not have experienced half of what you did, but I have experienced loss once. Remember when I was still trying to find Nii-san? I was sad too. But I never gave up, even when it seemed like hope was low. I told myself to keep trying and to live for his sake. I wanted to keep growing and hope that I can live for him." She takes a brief pause, sounding like she will not yield until he listens to her. And he is. "Will you let those people's lives be for nothing by feeling guilty? If Johan can find it in himself to look past this, then do you think you can too? Will you try to move on, Judai?"
Quietly, he mulls.
Move on? He thought he had been moving on, in a way. That day of their tag duel, it was one of the first things that opened his eyes to the realization that he was not having fun anymore.
When he first came back with Yubel to this dimension, it just became a habit for him to duel as efficiently as possible because it was due to his carelessness that everything went wrong in the Dark World. His life was always on the line back then, so it honestly became something normal for Judai to finish a duel as quickly as he can with whatever it took, no matter how merciless it could seem. To him, it was normal. To him, it was survival.
But to Asuka, it wasn't fun the more she observed him.
It was those words he exchanged with Asuka that got him to reflect again, about himself, until Judai finally realized that he really wasn't having fun and that it's possible for him to have fun again during his graduation duel with Yugi-san. Asuka gave him the wake-up call, and Yugi-san cemented it into him. He pretty much owes Asuka for slapping some reality into his face. Literally. Her frustrations with his new attitude was something he didn't notice at first, but eventually did.
To put it frankly, he didn't care at first because she couldn't understand everything that happened. It wasn't something that could be easily understood, and he thought she didn't have to understand it since she held no personal involvement in it as extensive as his own involvement. She spoke purely with how she felt about his change, and it sort of irritated him because what did she know? What did she know? He still considered her a friend back then, so he knew that she only slapped him because she was only worried about him.
But what did she know?
As it turned out, she did know. Not the whole picture, but she knew some things.
He never knew he held so much sentiment onto the memory of their tag duel together, but now he can see why he does. During that time, in the spur of the moment, it gave him relief. It lets him know that life can be rough and that's okay, because you can move on. It was her who pointed it out to his face.
Yet, that's the thing: death is something you can't move on from. You can do a bunch of stupid things and can be forgiven because it can be fixed, but not death. Death is permanent. He caused some spirits to experience a permanent loss in their lives. Some spirits are probably all alone now because of what he did, nevermind the irony that Judai also faced loneliness himself. It makes him feel evil. It makes him feel responsible.
So much responsibility, but not enough strength to hold it up.
He feels eyes on him. "Will you keep sitting here feeling sad, or will you do something by moving on and living for everyone?"
Judai stares at his hands; clenches them a bit, and he slumps his shoulders.
If Johan moved on, then why can't he? Johan saved him, so Judai wanted to save him in return. It seemed so simple in his head. Saving someone shouldn't have to be so complicated. The anguish that came from thinking about how he failed Johan shifted him to give in to Haou's offer, and he still doesn't remember everything of what he did as Haou. It hurts even more when all Judai really knows is what he had been told by Edo and a few others, unable to recall much on his own aside from the vivid memories of him erasing Jim and O'Brien.
Still, he answers, "Move on," because it's what he wants. He wants this ghost in his heart to finally be at peace. It lingered for too long.
"Then you should start with accepting change and live for those people." Asuka just keeps smiling at him, like she believes he can.
He gives a quiet stare. Accepting change, huh?
Like Johan, Jim and O'Brien had never brought it up to him either. Jim still welcomed him with open arms and O'Brien treated him like normal with unwavering loyalty. Manjoume never brought it up anymore, Sho welcomed him back with tears, Fubuki was happy that he was back, Asuka looked relieved, and Kenzan appeared shocked. Edo greeted him the same, and Kaiser didn't pin anything down on him. They all just… welcomed him back.
Maybe Judai is just super behind everyone else? How can Asuka say that he can move on from all of this when he's been so slow? It feels so hard trying to catch up. It's probably his sign that everyone really has moved on. Everyone, except him.
Osiris, he does owe Asuka. A lot.
She's trying so hard right now to make him realize these things. Like everyone else, she has also moved on and forgiven him. She has always encouraged him in these sorts of ways, just like how it once was between them.
He misses this. So much.
He does not know how this conversation shifted to the Dark World in the first place so depressingly, but the Dark World is partially why he feels inclined to have this talk to begin with. It makes him remember that there is a reason why they're having this talk right now. "Then, understand that this—" Judai hesitantly gestures a finger between the two of them. "—won't change for us. It's... a good thing." He might not be so open to change in general, but he means it this time.
"To be honest, I really didn't expect you to bring it up or tell me any of this," she admits.
"Ah," he replies, lamely.
How does he bring this up? Shifting conversation topics is something he's pretty bad at since Yubel claims that he lacks subtlety and tact. The main topic behind all of his intense internal conflict the past few days is him rejecting Asuka. Judai's no expert, but he's pretty sure that breaking someone's heart would make it infinitely more awkward to bring it up in a talk, especially a talk this serious with said heartbreak being the main topic.
Nevertheless, he fights this awkwardness by resuming, "I hope you understand that I don't really know much about…" It trails off his tongue for a moment of hesitation, but they need this talk. He needs this talk. "Love, right?" She blinks at him. "Yubel's the only one to ever tell me that they love me." In case she gets the wrong idea, he quickly rectifies with: "Until you did! I'm not smart like Misawa, but I could tell you really meant that. It confused me since I wasn't sure what sort of love it is that you're looking for."
Friends and rivals were their relationship—at least, that's how he perceived it. Judai never really learned a lot about different types of love before, nor did he really bother. Love is love. Yubel made him realize that part and it's simple enough to understand, because Yubel loves him and he (and Haou) loves Yubel back. He loves all of his friends, loves all of his bonds. Spending several years with Yubel has helped him cope with it, but it's harder with Asuka because he's not sure what kind of love she is looking for. He never learned about them, and he's beginning to regret it right now.
Speaking of which, why is he fussing about the type of love Asuka wants with him when he doesn't even question Yubel's love?
What is making Asuka's love stand out?
He thinks her answer is not helping him figure it out: "I don't really know either. I just want you to know that I'm also glad to have met you."
He musters a small smile because even though he didn't know he could impact her like this, it's a little nice that she appreciates him this much. "I'm grateful for many things," he recites from his heart, sincere. "That includes meeting you too."
Asuka looks determined. "What else does Yubel feel about this?"
She must've been really affected by his rejection. "I think Yubel's sort of fond of you now in a weird way because I stop by so much."
Yubel lets him in on their thoughts and vice versa, but there have been times when some things are more privy to keep individually. Judai doesn't pry, but he does like prodding Yubel with questions either to be deliberately annoying or just to converse. Sometimes, he bugs them by asking things like If you had to be stuck in a room with Johan with no way out—harming doesn't count—what would you do? or How can I be dumber than a brick if bricks can't even think? Other times, he just asks for simple opinions like Do you like it here? whenever he's visiting someone, or Which route seems safest? when he's traveling. He's so used to asking questions to assess Yubel's thoughts about something that it doesn't take him much to note their behavior towards things in general.
They don't like admitting these kinds of thoughts aloud, but he can tell they don't really have qualms about Asuka since Judai hardly hears complaints about her. Yubel doesn't speak much in general, so that's how he knew Johan and Jim got on their nerves. Not in some malicious I-want-to-rid-the-world-of-their-existence sort of way, but in a gruff They-just-annoy-me-a-lot sort of way. Maybe he shouldn't say they're fond of Asuka, per say, but he would think it's somewhere close to that level, considering that it's Yubel. It goes to show how much they're starting to tolerate humans these days. (Probably for his sake.)
Judai resumes, "Given our past life, I don't blame them. If it weren't for Super Fusion, I wouldn't know what would happen to us and Yubel. They… were pretty hurt from me. I'm sorta hurt from myself too that I didn't even know I had a past life; that I forgot about it. I thought I was just… me until all of that happened." He places a palm at his heart, remorseful. "It's the first time I'd ever seen someone so hurt from loving me before. I love them back too, but I'm still not sure if this is what 'love' is." Because this is Haou's love.
"If it's any consolation, this is my first time telling someone that I love them," replies Asuka, tentatively. "I know as much as you do."
To be honest, knowing that he's the first person she had ever confessed to and also being the first person to break her heart seems to only make him feel bittersweet. Ouch. "You're smarter than that." You're smarter than that to choose someone else. Ruefully, he smiles.
She simply sighs. "So are you," she replies, like she doesn't want to choose someone else. Why is he even paying attention to that anyway?
Unsure of why he can't respond back, he awkwardly averts his eyes. This conversation seems to be broaching a lot of things at once. It's like some roulette wheel spinning, and he doesn't know what it'll land on when it stops.
In the silence, Asuka asks, "So, why did you stay this time?"
Why? she had asked.
His answer is softer, unsure yet truthful: "I don't really know."
He wishes he knew.
At first, he didn't want to run away because he gave her the answer that she wanted and that was all he had to do on his part during the confession. It was his responsibility to answer her and he fulfilled it. Eventually, he didn't want to run away because he didn't want to lose this between them. He didn't want to run away because it's Asuka, which is strange because he's left many times from her apartment and he's never felt like this before. Clearly, whether he actually noticed it or not himself, there is something special about being here. Before she confessed, he hadn't been aware that he took her apartment for granted whenever he stopped by because he's never thought about her (or anyone else) in this sort of light before. It's all he can come up with right now.
Still, he tries to explain anyway: "I didn't want you to get the wrong idea if I left this time. I know you get sad when I leave. Didn't want to make another mistake, y'know." Clumsily, he fumbles with his deck. "Like I said, I still have a lot to think about. I've been thinking about lots of things ever since graduation ended, but a lot of stuff happens to me all the time—it's like it never ends," he jests softly. Boy, he was wrong for thinking that his visit this time would be peaceful. Even that whole incident with Darkness—or even Paradox—seems tamer than this. At least Darkness and Paradox aren't people he holds dear. "So far, I figured out that I don't really mind staying here."
Carefully processing his words, Asuka tentatively asks, "You're… staying?"
"Not entirely. I'm still going to be traveling. I think the world still needs my help, by someone somewhere, for an indefinite amount of time." He's the only one who can do this, after all. "But… I don't think it would hurt if I were to come back here more if I need a break or something… Although, that doesn't really make a difference since I already do that, huh?" Adorning a halfhearted smile, he tries to not let it affect him too much as he weakly jokes, "Perks of not having a home anymore, I guess."
Seemingly lost in her thoughts, Asuka looks distracted about something. Judai has spent a great deal of hours doing his amount of thinking, so he can only imagine what she could be wondering about. He slowly waves a hand in front of her, concluding that she's rather deep in her ruminations because she doesn't follow his hand movements. Maybe he broke her again—
"You can do whatever you'd like, and go wherever you'd like." Blinking at her, he puts his hand down slowly. "But I'll be here to tell you welcome home each time you stop by if you don't have a home yourself."
Quiet, his eyes widen at her.
At those words, there is a foreign skip of his heartbeat.
Didn't she tell him a few days ago that it was a matter of 'finding the right company' when she pointed out her going fishing with him? To actually welcome him in like this after he rejected her, to treat him as if he is the 'right' company for her, it's as if she really cares more about him than… being reciprocated? He isn't sure, but this strange pacing of his heart is not something normal for him.
Across from him, Asuka is giving him a strong, unwavering stare. Her eyes contain a hardened determination, and it reminds him of that day when they dueled each other for the first time at the lake behind the girls' dorm back at Duel Academia.
That duel had been his first exposure to her dueling style and an introduction to her character and personality, letting him understand her a bit better. Despite the fact that all the girls automatically got into Obelisk Blue, her Obelisk Blue status gave him some eager expectations nonetheless. He really did want to bring Sho back from his 'kidnappers' when he first got the cryptic voice message, but Judai being Judai, he also got distracted by the prospect of dueling another Obelisk Blue person, namely Asuka when he found out it was her. That was all there was to it.
In the beginning, she was just a girl to him. After that duel at the lake, she became a friend to him. It made him see several things.
She has skills. She has motivation. She has confidence. She has heart.
She has so much heart, and he began to see that clearly the more time passed at Duel Academia.
Asuka's always shown loyalty and compassion in many ways: wanting to protect the Osiris dorms when it was on the verge of being torn down despite having no affiliation with Osiris, not abandoning her friends in any situation like that time when she was in the Society of Light but still rescued Junko and Momoe, not showing discrimination towards non-Obelisk Blue people, nagging and worrying over him, reassuring him whenever his motivation was low, going out of her way to let him know that their friendship was unstable around the time of their tag duel, slapping him out of his moping, trusting him enough to confide in him, wanting to stay good rivals with him for a long time, letting him stay over at her apartment whenever he stops by, helping him realize that he can't live in the past forever, helping him see that it's possible for him to move on after making mistakes, offering her apartment as home for him—
She always lets him come back.
He wouldn't mind coming back.
Out of everyone, she chose him.
Him.
Ah, he thinks to himself, listening to his soft heartbeats. He thinks about her apartment, and thinks of the smile she always gives him whenever he drops by. So that's how it is.
Life is truly ironic.
He's the one who rejected her, and yet—
I like Asuka.
Maybe changes already did happen, but he didn't realize them yet. And to be honest, he doesn't really mind this change either.
He rejected her because he wanted to keep her safe, but it seems that she's been pretty safe so far. He will still go and travel, and she will still teach at school here like how it always goes with them. This way, they can both continue on with their lives. She should be able to live her dreams as a teacher because that's her life and he respects that she has goals to accomplish. Come to think of it, it's not like she's forced to come along with him, experiencing the hazards of traveling and facing world troubles, if he wants her safe. His idea of staying safe is that she doesn't involve herself with him—but if that happens, then are they really friends? Would their friendship up to this point amount to nothing? He'd be friendless if he stuck with this.
It's like… he hadn't considered her feelings at all. She was angry at him about this during the tag duel, and it wasn't obvious to him that he's reliving it again in the present right now. In the midst of everything chaotic and wild that happens to him, he sometimes forgets that Asuka is someone who can pull her own weight.
She's a duelist. She's a fighter.
She's a friend.
She's there for him.
He knows that Haou and Yubel have something for themselves. Haou does, but Judai doesn't. It only reiterates to him that he's clueless, and he feels like this new something he feels for Asuka is not entirely the same as what Haou and Yubel share. He can't say for sure, but there is something there, slowly growing. Haou and Yubel were always close, but Judai can't recall if he himself ever behaved the same as Haou did for anyone in his current life. If all he needed was Johan or Yubel, then he wouldn't feel like this for Asuka. Johan is his best friend, Yubel is his eternal partner, but Asuka is…
After the topic of the Dark World passed in this conversation with her, he feels like he can actually breathe again. It's absolutely refreshing and it's all thanks to Asuka, just because she wanted to help him pick up the pace from falling behind everyone else. Because she cares enough to try to make him realize that he's being stupid by staying in the past.
So, he'll try to focus on the present instead. This is what he wants anyway and it makes him happy, and he doesn't want to lose this bit of happiness. If she says it's okay for him to come back, then he will come back.
Because Asuka is… a place to return to.
"Consider us roommates then," he jokes, fondly. It feels like a long time since he last smiled like this.
She tilts her head. "We were already roommates in a sense, though?"
Tempted to laugh, he keeps smiling.
True, she has a point—but that was still when he was merely a visitor, not a roommate. "Yeah, but I thought of saying it to make it official. I can't really be roommates with Johan because Yubel doesn't like him, and Jim likes digging outside all day. I actually see you around in your apartment." I know I'm not alone in your apartment.
Technically, he doesn't have to worry about loneliness anymore because of Yubel, but he feels that loneliness can be evident in many other things.
He's felt lonely before whenever he's out on the road and he thinks about his friends scattered across the world, and he's felt lonely before whenever he realizes that he hardly sees anyone anymore or talks with them. The lack of familiarity makes him lonely. To not be able to quip around with Johan, ruffle Sho's hair, feed Karen with Jim, banter with Manjoume, explore around with Kenzan, and visit Asuka… To not be able to do any of that would make him lonely, no matter who's around him, because those were some of the things that exclusively brought joy to him. It's sort of like when Haou went running off when he found out that Yubel was taken away for surgery. Without Yubel, Haou would feel lonely because Yubel is so irreplaceable to him.
And it seems like Asuka doesn't know how significant she is in Judai's life. "Are you going back to fishing?"
Feeling relieved beyond words, he flops himself on the grass beside her after putting his deck away, resting his head against his arm as a pillow. He lies on his side, back facing her. Serious talks always zap his energy, and a nap is long overdue for him now that the two of them resolved some things. That, and also because he'd like to keep this peacefulness around just a little bit longer. "I was but I'm tired, so I'm taking a nap instead. Wake me up in a few hours, 'kay?"
"All right," she concedes behind him, the pages of her book rustling.
The repose comes in the form of a quietness that he's fond of. Exhaling softly, he looks at the scenery while closing his eyes. Asuka continues to read. He smiles to himself.
Yeah, he really misses this a lot. He's glad that it's back.
It makes him happy.
Really happy.
.
.
When he wakes up from his nap, the first thing he hears is: "Will Judai know about this?"
He's about to ask why Asuka would say that because he's been napping right here beside her, but it suddenly dawns on him when he blinks away the last remaining bit of drowsiness from his eyes and sees himself surrounded by an empty room of nothingness. It's the place where Yubel's soul hangs out while they're inside of him. He only knows because they told him a few times that his soul room was empty just like his head. He used to think that they were just being snarky as usual, but Yubel kept insisting that it's true. Does Yugi-san and his other self have a cooler soul room than his—
Wait.
If he is currently inside his own soul room, then Yubel—
Like some badly-timed movie, he hears Yubel snort, but it's not directed towards him for once. "He sleeps like a deceased rat. This is the very least of your problems, I can assure you."
Hey, that's his own voice Yubel is using to slander him with here! The nerve!
Making a defiant whine, Judai has regained enough energy from his nap to frown deeply, feeling scandalized. Geez, he knows that he's a heavy sleeper, according to the testimonies of Sho and Hayato and Kenzan and Manjoume, but a deceased rat?! Most people would say 'slept like a log' in that comparison—not a dead rat! Yubel needs to upgrade their modern lingo because he definitely does not sleep like a deceased rat, and there's absolutely no need to tell Asuka that—
Wait. Is he really hearing things right?
Yubel and Asuka are talking to each other?
Yubel and Asuka?
Yubel, who refuses to submit to social interaction because they claim it's not worth their time? And Asuka, the local hermit of her neighborhood?
Talking?
To each other?
Yubel talking to her while possessing his body? Talking to her while possessing his body and not even telling him this time that they're borrowing his body?
Osiris, how much did he miss?!
He doesn't even have the time to think of possible scenarios as he and Yubel immediately switch back, Judai finding himself back in his own body, slumped and stiff. Feeling sour about that slandering comment, he frowns a bit. It sucks that he can't even complain about it since Yubel will obviously tune him out. Ugh.
Next to him, Asuka finally decides to say something: "Bad dream?" Her tone sounds like she's enjoying a walk on a nice sunny day, which he finds extremely odd because she just had a talk with Yubel.
Disgruntled, he answers resignedly, "I guess so." After patting his hair free of sticky grass, he stretches his arms.
"You guess so?"
I guess being compared to a dead rat while sleeping counts as a bad dream, Asuka. Judai rolls his eyes and instead whines, "Yubel woke me up and now I can't remember if it was a good dream or bad dream, Asuka!" (And no, Yubel! He won't let them live it down, so stop saying he's being dramatic!)
"I'm sorry," she replies, smiling. "How about we head back now? We could have another duel or two? That could be my apology to you."
Feigning contemplation, Judai nods. "Alright," he agrees whilst she retrieves her book. He could go back to fishing, but given his 'lucky' streak and current company, he isn't sure if he wants that king trout to come back right now, no matter how funny it could be. Standing up to fetch his fishing rod, he wags it at her teasingly. "Better we duel than make you do more laundry, right?"
She says nothing as he walks over to her, seemingly lost in her thoughts.
Even as they start walking together on the path back, she still seems distracted. He doesn't ask what Yubel talked about with her, nor does he ask why. He trusts Yubel, and they always have a reason for what they do. He figures that if Yubel, the Anti-People Extraordinaire, voluntarily went to have a private chat with Asuka through his body, then it must've been pretty important. It must've also been very serious since access to Yubel's thoughts is being denied for him right now, which typically doesn't happen. Truthfully, he's a tiny bit curious since he was apparently the topic of the conversation, but he just hopes that it was handled civilly, considering Yubel's feelings about his friends.
Observing her curiously, he asks Yubel, Were you being civil to her?
What do you think? Yubel asks back, bored.
He takes a peek at Asuka again. I think you weren't being civil enough.
How civil I was being doesn't matter as long as I was civil, they smartly remark.
So it's civil to mock him in front of her while he's asleep? Judai sighs inwardly, feeling highly sympathetic for Asuka. She must've not known how to interact with Yubel, given that this is her first time meeting his soul partner like this. Had he been awake for their meeting, he could've helped alleviate some of the awkward tension that must've occurred between them by cracking jokes or something. However… If he was awake, then Yubel would not even talk with Asuka at all since they can't possess him while he's fully awake. He's not sure if that's good or bad. Did you manage to get whatever you needed from her?
Yes. I think it should be fine now.
What is? he asks.
Yubel simply replies, Everything.
A pause. Everything? Was it right for him and her to have their talk today then? He asks, Do you think I did the right thing?
Once more, they repeat patiently, I believe in what you believe.
As he and Asuka walk down the sidewalk with matching paces, Judai smiles to himself and responds, I believe I did.
Then I don't see why you must ask, quips Yubel, lighthearted.
He asked because he feels like things are going back to being fine again and it seems like Yubel had a part to play in ensuring that, so he feels grateful that they're looking out for him. He feels grateful that he can still be Judai and Asuka can still be Asuka around each other. He feels grateful that everything feels so light now. He feels grateful that it's her who helped him. He feels grateful because it was her.
So, how was she? he asks instead, positively cheerful. It was your first time meeting her!
For some reason, Yubel's answer makes him blink: She's a pest.
...Pest? he echoes, confusingly. This is news to him, really. Yubel just calls Asuka 'girl' most of the time. Not even as Girl like a proper name, but just 'girl' like a description. They seriously need to upgrade their modern lingo at some point.
Alas, Yubel refuses to elaborate seriously on the bizarre nickname. Yes, a pest. Annoying, like you. I hope you won't affect her too much with what little your intelligence capacity offers.
He rolls his eyes. I hope you didn't affect her too much with your gloom-doom humor either.
Even if I did, that'll stay between me and her, they dismissively say, letting the conversation trail.
Amused, Judai smiles as he and Asuka take a turn on the path back to her apartment. Never would he have thought to see the day where Yubel made a new friend. (Johan would be ecstatic.) Some things may have changed, but it seems like Yubel will still be Yubel.
But that's fine, because Yubel being Yubel is normal like how he and Asuka can just be Judai and Asuka. Just like it's always been between them.
Right now, as they walk, he thinks that's all that matters.