blood moon

gilded

faded and rusted, left out in the rain
varnish and gilding hide many stains

He saved a friend, and lost two others.

Uzumaki Naruto doesn't understand where he went so wrong.

Every night, without fail, he sifts through these thoughts. He'd return home — from an outing, or a mission, or his training — and these thoughts were always here, waiting for him. He'd lay in his bed, eyes fixed to the ceiling, and succumb to them like a captive to his jailer. Before, he used to train to exhaustion. Watch infomercials on his grainy TV. Make a cupped ramen and count every second until it's ready, and then make another one. He doesn't bother anymore with any of that.

Because these thoughts are here to stay, waiting for him in the darkest crevices of his mind, ready for the moment the distraction is over.

Every night, he wonders where Sasuke is. One year has passed since he had last seen his friend. One year since he had stood at the village gate, his mind made up, hellbent on deserting the village without a word to anyone. In the end, the choice had been made for him; he's tied to this village forever. Even if he doesn't want to be.

I do want to be, he reminds himself. He loves this village, he loves it so much that it hurts. And so he stays. He trains. He eats his favorite foods. He sees his friends. He goes on missions. He kisses girls. Many girls. Any girl.

Sixteen-year-old Uzumaki Naruto would have been thrilled with this life. It was the path he had chosen for himself when he was just a kid, daydreaming of a life worth living. A life of adventure and glory. A life of a hero.

Eighteen-year-old Uzumaki Naruto daydreams of the life he took for granted, and every year is worse than the last one, because Hyūga Hinata is not here and all his goals now mean nothing if she would never see him reach them.

This, he realizes, is the true life of a hero. The one who sacrifices for the good of all. All but one.

Naruto's drowsy eyes lift to his open window as a soft breeze sweeps through the curtains. He can hear the faint call of an owl. See the light glow of street lamps. Feel the weight of an entire village resting on his shoulders, their breath in his ear.

Every night, he wishes he had left with Sasuke.

Every night, he reminds himself of the ties that bind him to this village, strengthened by something deeper than any promise he's ever made to anybody. Her parting words. The last things she ever said to him.

And he'll treasure them forever. Even if all he had ever done was fail her, over and over and over again …

He won't fail her in this.

He will never forget.

Taking a deep breath, he closes his eyes, exhaustion lulling him to sleep. His buzzing thoughts quiet to a hum. The stiff tension in his body slowly loosens as he sinks into his mattress. He can feel the stirrings of an elusive dream, and he gladly welcomes it, falling deeper and deeper into unconsciousness with one final thought:

Is that all it takes, Hinata? I promise to stay in the village forever, and you'll finally let me sleep?

His right hand clenches, and he glances down to see blood soaked fingers intertwining with his.

With a shout his eyes snap open in horror, breaking out of sleep so quickly a cold sweat runs down his neck. He rises on his elbows, panting, his heart pumping wildly as he searches around his room.

Realization calms him only slightly; even his worst nightmares had never felt so real. He stares at his hand again, studying the smoothly wrapped bandages, before laying it down and shutting his eyes tightly. It was only a dream, he reminds himself repeatedly until the chills subside. With a grimace, he turns his pillow over to the cool side and tries to think of other things. Like another mission. If Kakashi is in a good mood, he thinks he can get away with assigning himself to another diplomatic mission. A long one. Far away. So far, maybe these thoughts wouldn't follow him. He sighs longingly.

"Naruto-kun?"

His body stiffens and the twisting in his stomach wrenches with a fury. He reminds himself to time his breathing. Keep count. Sound normal. "Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

Naruto stares blankly at the wall and thinks of simpler times. Back when he could snuggle into his blankets and he'd be out like a light in seconds. Back when he used to keep the curtains open at night, when looking at the moon made him feel like he was being watched over. Taken care of. Before he had wrenched those curtains shut. Back when he slept alone.

"Can't sleep." His voice feels rough, like sandpaper grating against his throat. He feels her arm drape over him, her body curling against his back. His hand clenching, he looks back to the blank wall.

Even now...

Even now, he can still feel it. The ghost of her hand in his.

"Your birthday's coming up."

Naruto glances at the Hokage from the corner of his eye before returning to his line-up of scheduled missions. More out-of-town mission requests during this time of year. Holidays, he figures.

"Nineteen. Big year. Soon you'll be out of your teens and into your twenties. "

Escorts needed for traveling. Security for transporting cargo. Bodyguards for the lords and their families.

"Then, before you know it, you're pushing forty and talking to yourself without batting an eye."

He wonders when would be a good time to ask about any missions in the other hidden villages. Something diplomatic.

"We should celebrate, don't you think?"

"Celebrate what?"

Kakashi whirls around in his chair, hands folded in his lap. "Your birthday. It's what people do. Have fun on their birthdays."

Naruto shrugs carelessly. "I already have plans."

"At the cemetery?" He waits for an answer. "Well, you won't be there all day. How about doing something after?"

"Kakashi-sensei, it's not a big deal. I never really had birthdays like that anyways. Makes no difference to me."

"Maybe not to you, but it is a day worth celebrating. It'll be exactly two years since the end of the Fourth Great War. Last year, we observed it as a day of mourning, but this year… well, some in the city council think the village is due for a celebration. Maybe a festival."

Naruto listens to this half-heartedly and answers with another shrug. The village can do what they want. He already has his plans. "Yeah, maybe."

Kakashi looks at him for a moment but relents. "Alright, one more thing before I dismiss you." He opens one of his drawers and pulls out a cluttered folder. "Shizune is going to be stepping down soon as my assistant. It was overdue, Tsunade-sama only loaned her for a few months to get organized and things kept snowballing." Placing the folder on the desk in front of Naruto, Kakashi clasps his hands together and fixes an expectant stare on him. "So. How about we start your training?"

Naruto glances down at the folder. "Training?"

"As my top assistant, you can handle the paperwork and start accompanying me during the Kage summits and conferences with the daimyo. It'd be great hands-on training while I groom you to take over for me. I figure a few more years and then I'll be ready to step down and you can place your bid." Kakashi grins under his mask, eyes shutting warmly. Naruto blinks slowly, his mouth drying. There is a long awkward pause. "You do still want to be the Hokage, right?" Kakashi asks through a nervous laugh.

Naruto reaches for the folder and opens it slowly revealing stacks of paper-clipped notes and color-coded procedures. To-do lists. Reminders. Emergency guidelines. A little note Shizune has left for him congratulating him and wishing him luck on his path to become…

He closes the folder. Inside him, deep inside him, he can hear himself— twelve years old and screaming in disbelief. Jumping for joy. Shouting from the rooftops. But that little boy didn't know what it would take to get here. The suffering he had to endure. The people he would lose. The mistakes he could never undo.

"Kakashi-sensei… " Naruto mutters quietly. "I don't… I don't know if I'm cut out for it."

The Rokudaime squints his eyes, his head cocking back in surprise. "Well, I admit the administrative side isn't a picnic, but it's only for a few years."

"No, I… I mean… I don't… " Naruto pauses once again, words failing him. Kakashi stares at him critically.

"You… don't want to be the Hokage anymore?"

"I don't… I don't know." He can't believe he's saying this. He honestly can't fucking believe what he's doing. It's his dream. This is his lifelong dream, his biggest wish. It was all he had ever wanted.

But it feels wrong. Tainted.

Like everything has since the day he lost her.

Kakashi clears his throat and takes the folder from him. "Why don't you take a few days and think about it? We'll talk later. Alright?"

Naruto agrees solemnly. "Yeah. Yeah, alright."

Hospital tea is disgusting.

Naruto takes a bitter swig and swallows with a grimace. "This is gross. How do you drink this crap?"

Haruno Sakura shrugs, sipping her tea and setting it down beside her clipboard. "It's free. It's nearby. It gives me energy. Did I mention it's free?" The two lapse into silence as she reads through her file and he dumps in two more packets of sugar. "I talked to Shizune yesterday. She told me what happened."

He inspects the bottle of honey distractedly, half-listening to her. From what he remembers, natural honey is gross too. "Happened? What — oh." Dammit. He props his head up in his hands and sighs.

"I don't get it, Naruto. Maybe being the assistant isn't what you had in mind but it's only temporary. I spent so many years apprenticing with Tsunade-shishou before I was ready to do it on my own."

"That's not it." He answers quietly.

"Then what is it?" Sakura stares at him with widened green eyes, her head tilted in concern. In her hospital uniform, with her pink hair tied back, looking at him like a troubling patient, he feels even worse.

"I don't know." He really doesn't. How can he explain to her what he can't even begin to understand himself? No one could understand.

Sakura looks at him for a long moment. "Is it because of the anniversary? You were like this last year too." Staring at the table, he only offers a shrug. "Well… I know it's tough. Ino's been quieter than usual too. We're going to visit her dad's grave tomorrow. You'll be there too, right?" He nods in response. "We can give thanks together then. And afterwards, we're all going to Yakiniku Q. It'll be fun. You should come."

Naruto has long learned it's easier to just agree. "Yeah, I'm game."

Sakura studies her clipboard again but he can tell she's watching him again. "So… " She clears her throat. "I've heard some things. Some rather interesting things…" She waits until she has his reluctant attention. "Apparently, you have a girlfriend and I'm the last one to find out." Her smile turns sour.

Naruto groans and slouches in his seat, uncomfortable as fuck. "Girlfriend? Damn it. Is she talking about me in public?"

"Does this 'she' have a name?" Sakura stirs her tea dangerously fast. "I mean, I would think your best friend would know these kinds of things, but apparently I'm on a need-to-know basis! I mean, I picked up a few extra shifts and now I'm behind in everything! Did you know Ino and Sai are a thing now?!"

Naruto holds up his hands. "Wait, what?! Ino and Sai?! Is that legal?"

"Don't change the subject!" Sakura points her spoon at him. "Who is this girl?!"

"Ugh, Sakura-chan, it's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal? So she's not your girlfriend?"

"What even is a girlfriend?" Naruto wonders aloud. "We never even talked about that. She's never said anything about it to me at least."

Sakura scoffs. "Yeah, right. Knowing you, you've probably already proposed and you didn't even realize it. Look, all I've heard is that she's stuck around a lot longer than any of the other girls and that she even has a key to your apartment."

"She does not." Naruto picks at an empty sugar packet. "She knocks, just like everyone else."

Sakura swirls her cup of tea, watching the ripples. "Is she the girl from the bakery? With the long hair?"

When she puts it like that, he can't help feeling like something is off. Like he should deny everything and swear he has no idea what she's talking about. It's a strange feeling. He's never felt the need to hide anything before. Reluctantly, he nods. "Yeah. Her name's Kazue."

"Kazue." Sakura repeats quietly. "She looks like a nice girl."

Again, Naruto can't help but feel like he just admitted to a crime. It doesn't make sense. "Yeah. She is."

It feels strangely tense between them. Like Sakura is on to something. Like she knows more than what he's telling her. She's always been smarter than him, but he's especially clueless when it comes to girls and dating. For a long time, he had no idea the girls he was hanging out with would get so upset when he would also hang out with their friends or sisters or teammates. Sakura informed him rather painfully that he shouldn't be messing around with multiple girls at once, especially if they all knew each other. Bringing up Sasuke had been his mistake though. Reminding Sakura of her days as one of many contenders for Sasuke's attention earned him a fat lip.

Sakura's watch goes off and she hurriedly excuses herself, leaving Naruto in the hospital cafeteria alone with his thoughts.

It's October 10th.

The nineteenth anniversary since the fateful day the Kyūbi attacked Konoha.

Nineteen years since the Fourth Hokage and Uzumaki Kushina sacrificed their lives for the village. Nineteen years since the Kyūbi was sealed into their son. This is an anniversary that has always overshadowed anything as trivial as his birth. It's a day that shaped every part of his life and has influenced everything he has ever done.

He remembers his days of lying on the floor of his apartment, staring at the door, imagining a life where he would walk into a surprise party. A crowded living room. A birthday cake. Candles. Gifts. And if he could never have any of that, then would even one person be too much to ask for? One person to wish him a happy birthday? One person to be glad he was born? Every year, he dreamt of that day and longed for it more and more, knowing he would always be disappointed. October 10th would always live in infamy for the citizens of Konoha.

Now there is a new burden to share that day. A new round of deaths to mourn, another onslaught of suffering to commemorate, and another memorial to visit.

Naruto stands dutifully near the front of the large crowd of mourners, wearing a good suit. Clean and pressed, free of lint and wrinkles like his other clothes. His hair is combed, his face is freshly shaved, and his fingernails are neat and trimmed.

As expected, the Hokage makes a long speech about the trials of the Fourth Great War and the bravery of the soldiers who laid down their lives.

Naruto didn't listen last year and he's not listening now. It would just make him feel even worse.

Instead, he's trying not to think too hard about the people that are surrounding him now. He tries not to think of Nara Shikamaru, standing in line behind him, or of Yamanaka Ino, standing just on the other side. He tries not to think of their fathers because it just makes him think of his own. He tries not to acknowledge the stares he feels boring into his back. He tries not to think of the countless widows and mothers who lost their husbands and children. It makes him think of his mom, and how it felt to meet her just that once.

Discreetly, Naruto glances over to the right, where the noble clans have gathered, and looks for them. Hyūga Hiashi and his youngest surviving daughter stand together, their faces straight and composed as ever. Behind them, there are rows of the eyes that haunt his dreams. Not one of them look his way.

His tired gaze drifts over to the marble memorial they stand in front of. Columns and columns of the names of the dead. It's supposed to be a tribute to the ultimate sacrifice they made to end the war, to defeat evil. Yet here Naruto stands, strong, in his prime, alive and thriving, when so many have fallen around him. He's nineteen years old and a living memorial of multiple atrocities and mass graves. Every name has been carved into him, and the mourners trace the letters. His body is a pyre, and the survivors lay their flowers at his feet among the ashes.

Uzumaki Naruto, a monument of death.