Hotel Wario

by Sky's Penname

It's been a year since the case of my missing brother was solved - and things haven't gotten any easier. A vacation to a ritzy hotel with free food sounds great, right? ...Except a precious artifact has been stolen from Wario and we're all trapped here until someone can figure out who did it. It certainly won't be me, Luigi!

3. Be Sure to Check Goombella's Tattle Log

"Wa, dinner's going to be served soon. Come and get seated! Or don't! I don't care!" the nasally voice on the phone said before hanging up. It wasn't Wario, but it sure sounded like him. I had a bad feeling I knew who it was.

Regardless, I needed some fresh air. Er… well as 'fresh' as it could get in Wario's hotel. Maybe a different garlic smell, at least.

I knocked on Daisy's door, expecting she'd want to go down to dinner together. There was no answer. I assumed she must have already left, or maybe left a long time ago. She didn't seem the type to stay cooped up in her room. Oh well.

Elevator time! I pressed the button and waited patiently for my ride. I've always enjoyed elevators. I couldn't tell you why. They're very pleasant! And they feel very safe! Just ignore all those movies and games where the elevator breaks and the passengers are sent spiraling down to the ground to their death. They're not realistic! The talking mushroom people told me so.

As the elevator moved sluggishly to my floor, I heard a heated argument along with laughter and general rambunctiousness.

"Dodo! Dodo, why is the elevator slowing?! This is not our stop! Dodo, don't you dare let that elevator open and let some kind of riffraff in!"

Even over the commotion, I heard an exhausted feathery sigh.

"I don't think Dodo has magical elevator controlling powers, Mrs. Booster. Although, maybe he does and never told us? That'd be pretty uncool! I've always wanted that. Do you have magical elevator controlling powers, Dodo?"

Ding!

Another sigh as the elevator doors slowly opened, revealing a mess of people and some familiar faces.

"I've told you a thousand times, you are to call me Valentina!" a woman's voice demanded. "Booster, ugh! What an awful, ugly name!"

"Haha, you can say that again, honey!" Booster said happily, his enormous mouth laughing cheerily along with his two Snifits. "And you will! And have! You say it all the time! It cracks me up that you married me. I love you!"

This seemed like a bad elevator to take. Maybe I'd just wait for the next one. I was just going to stand off to the side or pretend I forgot something in my room and…

"Hey! Buddy!" Number 1 (a Snifit) exclaimed. The eyes in his gas mask grew wide upon spotting me, and he and Number 3 (also a Snifit) began tapping their feet excitedly. "It's you! Come on in, buddy! It's been so long since we've seen you!"

Valentina's pale face turned to rageful red wine. "What?! I just said do not let any riffraff in! If any man was ever riffraff it would be that green man! Dodo!"

Dodo let out a third sigh. From what I remember of him, that seemed to be his only way of communication. His big black feathery body slowly moved to the elevator doors. He opened his wings half-heartedly to block me from coming in. As if waiting for him to finish so they could fully break his spirit, Snifits 1 and 3 sprinted under his open wings and pulled me inside, pushing past an apathetic Dodo.

"Ugh! Who is this horrible little man, and why are you so insistent on befriending him?" Valentina took a sip of her margarita that she held snugly between her fingers. Where she had gotten one was beyond me.

"This is the guy who beat up Booster's grandma!" Number 1 sniffed, shaking my hand rapidly, while Number 3 shook the other. "Isn't that totally sick?"

It was hard not to smile. I missed the Snifits! They were such perfect little creatures. A little excitable but endearing. I never have a chance to speak with them, but it was nice to be fussed over so much.

"Haha! It's sick all right!" Booster said with a laugh, his bushy beard and disgusting teeth covered in happy spittle. "That was my grandma! I loved her dearly!"

"She did kill lots of people and drive your wife away and I'm pretty sure she killed the old Number 2," Number 3 sniffed solemnly. "Also, she tortured Dodo even more than we did!"

Dodo nodded.

"Boy did she! I'm still traumatized about it!" Booster agreed, hands at his hips. "Still, family is family! And you have to respect that! Anyway, good to see you again, buddy!" He put an arm around my shoulders and squeezed tight. The Snifits were still shaking my hands…

"That awful little man is the one who kicked your grandmother to the curb?" Valentina eyed me suspiciously, the bright green parrot that served as her hat did as well. "Hm, I suppose you are owed some thanks."

The elevator turned silent. Even the music wasn't playing.

"Well! Don't just stand there!" Valentina growled, stomping her heels into the carpet.

"THANK YOU, BUDDY!" Snifits 1, 3, and Booster screamed at the top of their lungs, possibly damaging my hearing for life. That was okay. It was the gesture that mattered. I'd take premature deafness if it meant someone was nice to me.

While Number 1 and 3 were Snifits, and Dodo was a big round black bird, it was hard to describe just what Booster and Valentina were. Humans…? Humans have always been one of the weirder races. I'm allowed to say that as I'm human! Although, to be honest, Booster, Valentina, and I, almost looked nothing in common.

Booster was a short bushy guy with a mouth like a Chain Chomp except square and uneven teeth. Valentina was a tall lady, and I mean tall. She looked down on everyone literally and metaphorically and kept a bright green bird on her head like a hat. Her skin was as white and pale as the clouds to the point where it, again, was hard to say she truly was human.

I suppose, in that way, they were the perfect couple?

Ding!

The six of us piled out of the elevator and to the ground floor. It wasn't the bottom floor. There were still a bunch of buttons leading down, but this was where the entrance and dining hall were. Number 1 and Number 3 were still shaking my hand and Booster kept his arm firmly around my neck. It was sweaty and stinky, but it was genuine. … I think?

"So, buddy, where've you been?" Number 1 asked, walking down the ritzy hallway and very casually still shaking my hand. "We've called you; we've messaged you! We got the newest Nintendo console, dude! They call it the Nintendo Entertainment System, or NES for short. It's got WAY better graphics than the Super Nintendo! You wouldn't believe it!"

I panicked. I didn't know how to answer that. I really didn't! I don't know why I never came over. I really liked the Snifits. Maybe I didn't love Booster, who was squeezing way too hard, but the Snifits were so cute and kind! Why didn't I ever go see them again? I guess… I was afraid they didn't really want to see me. I was afraid I wouldn't enjoy it. I didn't even want to risk it. But I couldn't tell them that.

Luckily, (while they were the type to pry) they could never hold attention onto something for longer than about half a second.

"Oh, Booster, my sweaty darling, look at this!" Valentina called out, eyes gazing hungrily at some of the exhibits. Wario kept a lot of his treasures dashed around the hotel's ground floor, usually encased in some sturdy protective glass.

Booster quickly sprinted up to his wife's side, pressing his (and my) face against the glass to stare at it. His arm was still wrapped around me and the Snifits were still shaking my hands.

"Holy cow! A whale thingie!" Booster cried, eyes glimmering with reflections of riches. A fancy golden whale sat atop a red cushion, its design incredibly sleek, yet still filled with a mystical ancient aura. It was smiling!

"Yes, isn't it wonderful? It would look great back at home! Do get it for me, will you honey?"

"Haha, I'd love to!" Booster laughed, looking through a few of the other treasures scattered about. "But the repairs to the tower have left us nearly broke! And we're barely getting by! Especially with your crippling addiction to gambling, Honey Syrup, and just drinking in general!" He turned his head to face mine, and whisper/yelled, "You're a good buddy, so don't tell anyone how we're broke okay? Our supposed rich status was the only reason we were invited! Haha!"

"Yo, boss! Check out this fancy thingamabob! I've never seen one of these!" Number 3 cried out, causing Booster to race over and press both of our faces against the glass yet again. "What in the world is it?"

Er. It was a pocket watch. It was an extremely fancy pocket watch! Probably ancient in its origins. They usually are, I think. Incredibly detailed designs and patterns were etched onto its pristine bronze surface. It ticked ever so quietly and delicately, probably telling the time to denizens of the past for centuries. It was amazing to think that some rich guy or monarch might have used this so long ago. I could hardly fathom it!

"Ugh. Trash." Valentina waved it off. "What's the point of it? It's just a small clock? There's not even any gold on it. I'm an art buff, you know. I know art when I see it. Besides, why would anyone want a clock? Just ask Dodo for the time."

Dodo sighed, keeping the watch around his wing hidden.

"Incredibly harsh critique, honey, but fair!" Booster quickly scrambled over to another exhibit, mouth watering. "How about this one?"

"Oooohh," she cooed, eyes glimmering like her perpetually full martini glass. "Now that is art! Look at all that gold!"

Um. It was bananas. Literally a bunch of bananas? I guess maybe four or five… They were clearly gold, although, I had a feeling they were just spray-painted that way. I cannot describe it any more than that. They were bananas spray-painted gold.

"Come on, honey, surely you can get this magnificent piece of art, right?" Valentina whined. "I won't be happy if we don't get some kind of art to bring home!"

"Haha, honey, it's funny you should ask!" Booster replied happily. "Because I answered just before! We're broke! There's no way we could afford it! But I love your jokes, and I love you!"

One would expect Valentina to pout, or drink heavily, or scream, or possibly just attack someone, but instead she stood there thinking. Her eyes fell to Dodo who sighed. She remembered that I was here however and nervously sipped her drink. "Oh! Well, that's just fine. I suppose I shouldn't be so troublesome about this. I'm sorry dear."

Booster frowned; brows furrowed in irritation. "Now wait just a darn second! How dare you not get what you want and cry and scream over it? What kind of husband would I be if I didn't give you every single thing you ever wanted on even the most minute of whims?! How could you embarrass me in front of my friend like this?! I thought you loved me."

"Sorry honey," Valentina said absentmindedly, whispering something into Dodo's ear. "I love you very much. You're a joy of a husband."

Booster threw his hands into the air, finally freeing me. "I can't take this! I'm so sorry you had to see this, buddy. Our marriage is in a good place, I swear! But sometimes relationships have problems…"

Sweat drops fell off Number 1's shiny black gas mask. "Oh, buddy, this is awful, maybe it's best we talk later?" Number 3 sprayed a few more sweat drops on Number 1's gas mask with his Sweat Drop Spray Bottle as Valentina continued to show suspicious affection towards her husband. "I'm sorry our reunion couldn't have been in a happier situation."

I didn't know how to react. At least I could breathe.

"Darling, this trip has been wonderful, and I'm reminded why I fell in love with you in the first place."

"How could you say that to me...?"

Number 1 took the bottle and sprayed Number 3's gas mask with a healthy dose of sweat drops. Booster had enough sweat to spare for everyone, it seemed. "Look, maybe you should just leave okay? We'll probably see you at dinner or something. I'm sorry, buddy, but please get out of here! Go on! Get!"

"This is harder on us than it is for you," Number 1 said, pumping that bottle like crazy. "Seriously, this is a workout. Number 3, can you spray me some more so we can appropriately show how tired I am?"

"Of course."

I decided I didn't need to stay here any longer.

I found my way to the dining hall easy enough. I just needed to head where the smell of garlic was at its strongest. Can't say I was feeling incredibly excited for dinner, but I did have a rumbly tummy. Plus, it'd be nice not having to worry about cooking for once.

I pushed through the double doors engraved with Wario's sloppy face eating a drumstick and entered the dining room. Juicy chicken, garlic, spices, and especially garlic penetrated through my bushy mustache and into my nostrils. It smelled delicious! Makes sense that Wario would have good taste in food.

Silverware clinked lightly and a low murmur echoed through the huge hall. Most of the hotel's guests were already here. Buffet tables lined the walls, each holding a decadent amount of foods to choose from. Wario must have liked the idea of everyone deciding for themselves what to eat instead of taking their orders and making it from scratch. I couldn't complain, it meant less people for me to interact with.

Wowie zowie! He had everything here! From the fanciest to the trashiest, anything you could want! Buckets of chicken wings sat next to pristine pots of pasta. Fried Blooper Rings were stacked next to one of those cooked pigs with the apple in its mouth that people never really ate and just kind of looked at. The Pig-Apple-Thing was a symbol of wealth and dinner, that was all that mattered to Wario. I found it barbaric and frankly evil, but that seems to be the standard for rich parties.

Of course, every table had its own garlic. Sliced garlic, full bowls of garlic, shredded garlic, any garlic you could think of – it was available here. I like a bit of garlic on my pasta, but Wario took it too far. There weren't many other vegetable options either. A forlorn bowl of salad stood in the corner, forgotten and dejected. Probably put there after a long argument with Wario who was just too lazy to keep fighting against it. Like, 'Here! Fine! Have your stinkin' salad option!'

At least there were a good choice of mushrooms! It looked like he had gotten some catering from Tayce T. herself! One of the buffet tables held all her mushroom delicacies; from fried shroom, to her delicious mushroom pasta, to her scrumptiously chewy shroom steaks and even some of her gooey honey shrooms! Oh, I usually buy the mass-produced ones from the store! Goodness, even her fluffy shroom cakes were there! Complete with famous jelly frosting that mixed with the rubbery mushroom so well!

I've not had delicious treats in such a long time! Usually only when Mario was around and had solved a particularly tough case…

Before I could lose myself to the bittersweet times of long gone, murmuring voices reached out and threw me into reality.

"Luigi! Luigi is that you!?"

"Ohmigosh, it'sh totally Luishi! Heeey!"

"Goombella, don't talk with your mouth full…"

A gulp. A pause. "Well! What do you expect from me? Want me to just hold it with my hands?"

"I told you I'm fine with holding your food for you!"

"You don't need to baby me all the time. That's just how Goombas are, y'know? We make do with what we have. Sometimes that means we gotta talk with our mouths full!"

"Yeah, but you don't have to pretend like I don't exist! I like helping you, you know?"

"Agh… Let's, um, like, talk about this later, Toadette…"

I gulped. It wasn't like I was terrified to see old friends again or anything! I just… … No. That's exactly what it was. I was terrified to see old friends again. Toadette and Goombella, two girls who were incredibly helpful in solving my one and only case. Toadette used to be a Captain with the NDPD, (New Donk Police Department) and Goombella her plucky partner. Something happened with Toadette's brother, leaving her feeling disillusioned with her fellow Toads and the police in general.

Goombella never left the force, however. I never knew why. Maybe she simply couldn't afford to? Maybe she thought she could change things. She wore her dark blue uniform with pride. Her red and gold mushroom badge shone brilliantly on her chest, probably polished daily. Her hat was fitted with a handy flashlight, perfect for investigating through the dark rainy streets of New Donk.

You wouldn't find many fans of the police here. And by here, I mean New Donk City in general. When you were in trouble, the general motto was 'Who should we call?' And then there was no answer. You'd probably get the same answer if you called the police. But that didn't mean Goombella didn't try. She tried so hard. She really did.

As for me, what do I think of NDPD…?

I don't know. Still, even now. After what happened with Chief Toadstool… I don't know. All I know is I still hold some resentment. Maybe its cruel of me. Maybe it's fair of me. I don't know.

They dashed over to me, faces as happy as can be, mushroom crumbs lining Goombella's lips.

"Luigi! It's been forever! How have you been?" Toadette asked, her cute pink braids bobbing lightly with each motion. For the first time I'd seen she dressed up! A pink vest donned over her little body with a cute little chestnut pinned to her chest. Strange choice in fashion as always, but it reminded me of Goombella.

"Ah—um—hello," I said sheepishly. I wasn't sure what else to say to them. I honestly really like them, I do! But I had no excuse as to why we hadn't talked in over a year.

"We called to see how you were doing, but Daisy always answers, y'know?" Goombella said. "I mean, it's super cool to get to talk to her, but she always says you're out! What have you been up to?"

Their cute eyes pierced into me like a Banzai Bill. I didn't want to lie to them, but I already had been for so long! I wasn't out, I just… I didn't want to talk! I was afraid to. I don't know why! Leave me alone! What was I supposed to say to them? This was exactly why I didn't talk to them!

Toadette seemed to catch onto my anxieties a little faster than Goombella. Her eyes softened. "Well… you've been good right?"

I nodded. That was mostly the truth at least. I strongly preferred taking the subject off me and even managed to ask them about themselves! What had they been up to for the last year?

"Toadette got into construction! Can you believe it?!" Goombella blurted out, eyes sparkling with pride.

Toadette shrugged. "Yeah, I was a Chief myself if you can believe it." The way she said the word Chief, there was a bit of disdain in there. Must have still been bad blood between her and Chief of Police, Peach Toadstool. "Gotta say, felt pretty good to be in charge and actually have things under control."

"She helped build this hotel even!" Goombella added, standing on the tips of her toes with excitement. "She's gotten buff too with all the construction! I bet her jumps could even give you a run for their money, Luigi!"

Toadette blushed, her little arms shoving Goombella. She didn't look any buffer. But, that's just kind of how Toads were. Last time I saw Toadette, she could barely hop up a flight of stairs!

"Yeah, we laid the groundwork for this place about a year ago," Toadette said. "The Toads, as always, were fairly unreliable and it was one of my first jobs, so it went a bit shaky. I personally think we did a great job with my leadership, but Wario cheaped out and got another crew to build the place. Kind of annoying, but I'm just glad most of this 'art' doesn't have my name attached to it."

"You're always so tough on other Toads… they work really hard and can get things built in no time flat, y'know?"

Toadette sighed. "When they're not running around screaming and tripping over themselves, I guess it's true. They just really need someone to keep them focused. Someone who can be tough."

Goombella frowned. "Are you making this about Chief Toadstool again...?"

"I wasn't, but now I am, I guess!" Toadette paused, eyes falling on me again, as if she forgot she was arguing in front of someone. This happens to me a lot. "Er… um, enough about me! Goombella got promoted, you know!"

Goombella continued to wear her frown, but a hint of pride lifted the edge of her lips, revealing a cheeky fang. "Ah, well, yeah. I'm a Captain now, just like Toadette was! But I mean, I only got it because of Toadette…"

"Hey, don't say that! They need you over there, and you're doing a great job!"

"Sometimes it just feels like they use me to just talk to you, y'know? Like they're always asking, 'Maybe see what Toadette thinks.'"

"I know, right?" Toadette shook her head, nearly whacking me with her mushroom braids. "I've told 'em they need to listen to you more! You just gotta be firm!"

"I know, I know, you always say that! I try to, but I just don't think they respect me still and—" Once again, eyes fell onto me and they realized I was there. "Er… um… sorry! You don't need to hear that. I'm mostly just here on 'duty' since Chief Toadstool was invited but was too busy to come. She wanted me to keep an eye on things. That doesn't mean it all has to be work related, y'know? We should relax and enjoy ourselves!"

Toadette nodded. "You are so right, girl! Come on, Luigi, we got an open spot at our table." She paused, always very considerate. "That is, if you want to sit with us."

Maybe it was rude of me, but I did take a moment to think about it. It wasn't so much that I didn't like them! I've just been so used to blindly agreeing to everything everyone's ever asked of me! I wanted to make sure this was what I really wanted and…

"Okey-dokey!" I said. They smiled. It felt… good? These two really did seem to like me for whatever reason. Although, I had to wonder what was up with their own relationship.

I gathered up a nice plateful of delicious food. Pasta for sure! Oh, and it smelled so good! The sauce glimmered like rubies atop a mountain of noodley topaz! Speckled mushrooms looked up at me in their yummy sauce-filled nooks, and I thought how creepy that was for the thousandth time. Like, the fact we eat mushrooms and they have eyes is messed up right? But, like everyone else, I put it in the back of my mind.

I bumped elbows with a few of the other guests. One of them was Bowser, King of Crime but luckily, he didn't notice me, too busy chatting to that Kammy Koopa puttering about over his shoulder. To my surprise, a different Koopa noticed me. While I'm glad it wasn't Bowser or Kammy, I still would have preferred not to have been noticed at all.

"Mario, old chap, is that you?" the archeologist I saw from the entrance said. He twirled his magnificent mustache with glee, bits of sand crumbling out of it. It was like no matter how hard he brushed it, there would always be bits stuck in there. "It's been quite some time! Jolly good to see you again! I heard the news, and I knew it couldn't be true!"

I just wanted to eat some good food. This was one of the main reasons I didn't go out. I tried to explain to him that I was not Mario. I was his brother, Luigi. No need to worry about any more details! I had to go, uh…

I looked over to Toadette and Goombella who were waving my way. Er, well, Toadette was at least.

I needed a reason to leave… a good excuse… oh!

I had to go sit with my friends! They were deranged criminals that needed to be looked after at all times or else who knows what would happen!

"My word!" the archeologist Koopa shrieked, his safari hat nearly flying off his head in fright. "Is that true? Why are they here? Also, that one seems vaguely familiar…"

Uhh! The details weren't important! There was no time. I had to go or else they might go crazy! So, goodbye! No time to talk about me or my brother anymore! Bye bye!

I dashed away, making sure to not look back. I don't think I did very well with that interaction, did I? Well, on the bright side, there was no way he'd want to sit with us for now. I sat down across the girls with a sigh. One social interaction down, a million more to go…

"Wow, Luigi! You know Kolorado?" Goombella asked, hoping up on her chair. A couple of boxes were placed on the seat so she could see over the table. "He was one of my heroes back when I was still in Goom. U! I wanted to be a famous explorer just like he was until, well…" She looked away. "Until I dropped out because of what happened to my professor."

I nodded along to her and told her I didn't actually know Kolorado. She'd talked about her college years before and about something happening to her professor and it was apparently why she became a cop, but I never asked for any details. It seemed like a sore subject for her, and honestly? Now that I have enough sore subjects to teach a college myself, I figured she wouldn't want me being nosy about it.

"Kolorado's, uh, looking at us really weird, Luigi," Toadette said, peering over her shoulder. "What did you say?"

Oh, geez. Of course Goombella had to know that Kolorado guy, and of course she had to look up to him, and of course I told him they were deranged criminals. "N-nothing!" I mumbled back sheepishly. They didn't need me to blurt out every mistake I've ever made and I didn't need to blindly answer yes to their requests!

"Probably just Luigi bein' Luigi, y'know?" Goombella laughed. "I guess you could say-"

"Don't." Toadette scowled.

"You're a fungi," Goombella finished with a grin. I laughed. I didn't really get it though. I'm not a mushroom? Maybe because I eat so many or hang out with Toads?

"Gets funnier every time!" Toadette hissed out sarcastically.

"You love it!" Goombella giggled.

"I hate it! Every non-Toad makes that joke! And then some awful Toads make that joke too!"

Goombella furrowed her brow in thought. "Yeah, Fung Ai's parents really thought they were hilarious."

"No! Please tell me you're lying. No Toad actually named their child that, did they?"

"It's a good name!"

"Terrible! But I guess that's what Toads do, isn't it?" Toadette sighed, probably thinking on her own name. Goombella was pleased at least. "My brother, Toad, never minded it for some reason. I really don't know how he managed."

Once again, they fell into their usual conversations, light arguments, and their airy giggles. I wish I could explain what it was about it that made it seem so comforting. They weren't paying any attention to me. I was free to enjoy my meal in peace and just listen in.

Notebook, I know you've probably heard enough about food, but it was so good! Maybe a little too much garlic, but this was probably the best pasta I've had in my whole life! The cheese melted into the noodles, perfectly accompanying the soft mushrooms which had absorbed all the spices in just the right way. Coming here and dealing with all the people was almost worth it.

"So, okay, Goombella, spill. I know you're dying to tattle. Tell me about everyone here, I'm seeing a lot of familiar faces, and most of them bad. Some I don't know so well." Toadette looked back and forth, ducking down when her eyes fell on Bowser.

"Well, you all know Bowser…" Goombella said with a sigh. "Biggest guy in the room. Easily the most eye-catching, and that's exactly how he likes it. Kammy Koopa, the brains behind the beef, is always around. Honestly? He's cooled down over the past year. Ever since that new territory opened, I expected him to get way worse, but I think he's been thinking about his kid, Bowser Jr., a lot."

"Psh. Doesn't mean we can trust him."

"Don't I know it," Goombella sighed. "Thing is, I hear it's been a big struggle internally. Hard to keep up the King of Crime title when you don't commit any crimes, y'know?"

"It's a front. Just showing people what they want to see. He's still selling illegal Syrup underground, isn't he?"

Goombella nodded. "You know it, but get this, there's been less and less reports of people overdosing on the stuff. Less addicts too. We know he's still making it, but it's even harder than before to pin it down on him."

I looked over to Bowser, his huge maw chomping down like a dinosaur tears into another slightly smaller dinosaur. Blooper rings and chicken wings were no match for him. Kammy Koopa sighed and brushed some of the crumbs and stains off his gnarly cheeks with a well-used wet hankie. It was hard to imagine someone like him causing so much trouble, but I've seen it first-hand when he gets angry.

"So, the Koopa Bros. are still against Bowser? What happened?" Toadette asked. "We dealt with Yellow and Green ourselves back at Excess Express Cuisine a while back. I heard there was some fallout between them and the Koopa Kids or something…?"

Goombella nodded. "Yeah. Koopa Bros. are trying to make a name for themselves again. We had to show up at Bowser's Casino and break up a fight between them. Apparently, they're tired of living in the shadows and doing all the work while the Koopa Kids get all the glory and recognition."

Toadette shrugged. "To be fair, the Koopa Bros. are literally just some different colored Koopas."

"Yep. Bowser fired 'em on the spot when we got there, screaming his head off. Koopa Bros. were saying how 'he's changed' and 'he ain't what he used to be!' and whatever. Took a few Hammer Bros. with 'em even. In general things have been a confusing mess. Red and Black are still at large."

"Still. Don't fall for the act." Toadette glared Bowser's way. Bowser tossed a few more chicken bones carelessly to the floor. A tall gangly man picked it up and threw it into the trash pile with the rest of it letting out a defeated, 'wa.'

"I know, I know," Goombella went on, almost agitated. "I'm not an idiot. It's only a matter of time before he does something stupid again. The spotlight hasn't really fell off him, but it also hasn't been on him enough."

"Speaking of which, I'm sure he'd love to know we've been talking about him this much," Toadette said with disgust. She moved her gaze over to the tall man dressed in black, shades of purple stained in his shirt. "That's Waluigi, isn't it? Shouldn't he be in jail?"

"He actually only got slapped with community service. A lot of it, but he did his time."

"He robbed people."

Goombella was trying not to get angry. Trying was the keyword here. "Popple robbed people. Waluigi was roped into it. He needed money, things got too real, and he couldn't say no."

Couldn't say no.

My eyes fixated on this strange doppelganger of mine. What was Waluigi? An alternate version of me? Just a cousin with a similar name? Is he what I was destined to become? Subservient to everyone? Unable to say no?

No. That can't be me. That won't be me. I won't let it. I might not have standards, but I will not let myself be Waluigi!

"He's just saying that!" Toadette argued. "He'll say anything to get out of trouble!"

"You don't trust anyone," Goombella grumbled.

"Ugh, please, don't start. You're in no position to be so trusting of everyone either."

"I'm not, but I do, y'know?"

"Whatever." Toadette huffed and went back to watching the guests, eager to change the subject. "Why's he working here?"

"Like I said, he was probably desperate for work. He must have gone to his cousin, Wario, again. They've always had a bit of a close relationship, although its looking like they've become totally distant. I'm guessing Wario gave him the job but makes Waluigi do all sorts of awful menial tasks."

Toadette nodded. "Makes sense." She paused, staring out with her head on her hand, elbow on the table. "Sorry if it seemed like I was doubting you."

Goombella's voice softened. "It's okay." And I heard her mumble something only a coward could hear. "...I'm used to it..."

Toadette switched her gaze across the room, to another table. Kolorado the archeologist, and another little man sat together, chatting lightly about something. Oh no… was that who I thought it was? The big glasses, the huge loose tooth, and that ghastly strand of hair on his old bald head…

"Tell me a bit about Kolorado and that guy he's with. Who is that?"

Goombella smiled again. She loved explaining, and it seemed like Toadette loved to hear it. "That's Professor E. Gadd over there with Kolorado. You know him don't you, Luigi?"

Ugh. I know him all too well. People say I cause trouble, but that guy is practically a magnet for trouble! And he probably invented the Trouble Magnet! That's not to say he's a horrible man or anything. He did help me along the way with a few odd jobs and ghost dealings, making me all sorts of contraptions for cleaning and dealing with the horrible unending suffering of undeath. (Also, particularly nasty dust bunnies and stains that just won't come out, sort of like a ghost that can't let go of its life and has an unquenchable hunger for the living. That sort of thing.)

"Wow, didn't expect to get an explanation from Luigi!" Toadette said, wide eyed. Is it really such a shock I know a few people?

"And you say he's greedy?" Goombella asked, eyes sparkling as she jotted down new information about someone in her brain.

Well! Maybe greedy isn't the right word. Wario is greedy! Bowser is greedy! Professor E. Gadd… likes money very much. I wouldn't say he's willing to steal it, but if it were to fall into his lap, he wouldn't question its origins and be all too happy to spend it on materials for his next invention. The guy had toilet paper made of cash! I'm not kidding!

"No. Way." Goombella was practically drooling at this delicious dinner of gossip at her plate. "What else? You've gotta spill!"

Er… Oh… I might have said too much. I was talking very poorly about someone who was mostly kind to me. I seem to do that a lot, don't I?

Toadette prodded Goombella's puffy cheeks. "Don't press Luigi too hard, Captain."

The glimmer in Goombella's eyes faded as she sighed. "Fiine, fine. Anyways, it looks like he's sitting with Kolorado who I told you a bit about. I forgot to say that Kolorado was my hero. Now he's just… well he's a good archeologist, but that's about it."

"Really? What's wrong with him?"

Goombella frowned. "Guy is obsessed with treasure. Like seriously obsessed. He loses his mind over treasure. That cool calm and collected attitude he gives off goes out the window if he sees a treasure with archeological value. He'll do anything to get the stuff. I saw him literally drooling over some of the exhibits here."

"Wow. Everyone's got their own little problems, don't they?"

Goombella nodded. "Honestly, the treasure obsession isn't even the worst part. I'd say I'm a bit more upset with how he treats his wife. Barely calls her, never tells her when he goes out on expeditions for months, just in general kind of forgets about her. It's awful."

"What a scumbag!"

Goombella attempted to shrug. "Ahhh, I dunno about that. Who really knows about his personal life, y'know?"

"I guess. Keeping him on a list of possible scumbags then."

She turned her attention to someone new and shiny. Specifically, the half-human half-robot cyborg. His entire upper skull was replaced with cold metal and a single red digital eye. Under his nose, a lightning bolt of a mustache zapped out on each side. He had been tinkering with some gadgets but came to nervously reminisce with Professor E. Gadd and Kolorado.

I've heard Wario call this man cousin too. Were they related? Were we related? I could vaguely see a resemblance in his nervous posture and taste in weird mustache, but that was about it. I'd never met the man in my life.

"Who is that?" Toadette asked.

"Ahh," Goombella said with a cheeky grin. "That's Dr. Crygor! He's not as well known here because he lives outside of New Donk City. His lab is over in Diamond City. It's not too far off, but he's a fairly famous scientist over there, known for making some… strange inventions. Maybe not particularly useful, but nothing bad either. Every so often he ends up making something pretty cool when he's not getting stuck in the toilet."

"Weird," Toadette commented.

"Yep, that's not the half of it! Those metal plates on his head and arms apparently keep him from aging. The guy's rumored to be older than 100 years!" Goombella tattled. "I've heard he used to be much more of your typical mad/weird scientist when he was younger, but, like Bowser, has calmed down after worrying over his granddaughter. He's much more nervous than he used to be."

I could tell. The way he twiddled his metal fingers together as he talked, how he clenched his jaw when he didn't. I could relate to it all too well, even if he was a 100-year-old cyborg.

Toadette sighed as her gaze fell on the Boosters at their own table. Snifits 1 and 3 were shoveling piles of garlic into Booster's mouth like one would shovel coal into a train engine. Like, seriously, they had actual shovels. Valentina was too busy to be angry, forcing Dodo to get her another drink, who then forced Waluigi to get him a drink.

"That's Booster and Valentina," Goombella started.

"Yeah. I know them. Don't worry."

Goombella frowned. Seemed she still really wanted to explain. "Well, did you hear about their financial troubles?"

"Yeah, actually. They tell every person they interact with."

"…Can I just tell you about them anyway? I'd… really like to, y'know?"

Toadette sighed but kept a bright smile anyway. "Sure."

I knew too much about the Booster family. I figured this was as good a time as any to go back for seconds. That pasta wasn't going to eat itself! Goombella didn't mind my leaving. In fact, I'm not sure she even noticed. She was too busy going into extreme detail to a slightly bored yet relaxed Toadette.

Those two had some issues but in general were inseparable. I had never expected them to form such a tight bond. I guess that's just what happens when you take a risk and put yourself out there. You find unexpected friends and make unexpected bonds.

Speaking of unexpected…

Something hard, something heavy bumped into me, nearly knocking my pasta to the floor. Luckily, while I am a klutz, the anxiety of losing my food and making a scene in front of a huge group of people gave me the power to hold onto my plate. But who was bothering me now...?

"Watch it, wimp!" a crackly voice said. Static coursed through his voice as he coughed. "Ahem, I mean, terribly excuse my pushing of you, kind sir wimp."

What—who? What was this guy? I could barely even describe him. I've never seen such a… person (?) before. Well to start, he looked like the absolute most cliché rich guy I've ever seen. It was like this guy looked up 'rich guy' costume in the dictionary and said 'Buh! Buh huh huh! That's PERFECT!'

His head was more top hat than head. It was huge, black, and it gleamed like it had just been freshly copied out of 'Rich Guy's Fashion Magazine Monthly.' Is that a thing? It might be. Strangely, though, two out of place purple horns pierced the sides of it. His face was completely hidden, or maybe he just didn't have one? His eyes were merely two shining monocles, looking more like goggles than anything. Covering his mouth was a bright red cravat, distinctly red, almost suspiciously red.

"What? What? Never seen a perfectly normal rich guy or something?" the man said, losing his cool again.

I didn't know what to say. Where was Goombella when you needed her? Who was this weirdo!?

He zoomed behind me looking over my shoulder and reading my notepad. "Huh. Don't know who I am, do you? Er… indubitably."

That's incredibly rude! I was still taking notes in my notepad back then, and he was just… reading them! No one has ever done that! It's wrong!

"Let me tell you then!" the man said, twirling his fancy cane in a perfectly rich circle. "My name is Lord C—Errr…" He paused, his cane freezing mid-spin. "Uh… um… I mean… I'm Sir… Spish… Ush…" He looked around frantically for anything to catch his eye. "Man."

… … …

Sir Spish Ush Man? That didn't sound right. Or wait, what if it was foreign? Maybe I was being ignorant!

"You write down way too many notes for my liking!" Sir Spish said, grabbing my notebook out of my hands. "Let me see this!"

---

"H-hey!" the green nerd stuttered. He desperately grabbed for his notebook, completely forgetting about his precious pasta. Never thought I'd get the tubby little guy away from his food! Ha! "T-that's-a-mine!"

"Kind sir, kind sir, please!" I said, my voice and mannerisms perfectly disguised! This idiot had no idea! "I merely wish to see what novel you must be writing! Buh huh huh!"

"N-no, p-please!" He stuttered even more. "I-it's-a-private!" Man, this green guy sounded like he was gonna cry! Ha!

Anyways, let's see here… What's he been writing…? Hmm… exposition… exposition… anxiety, stress, feelings… boring! Look at this food description! It's so plain! He hasn't written a single bit of useful information down in this thing! What a loser!

Ugh! Well, for the readers at home, it must be pretty obvious that I'm Lord Crump, right? I know, I know, I get it. My charm is impossible to hide. I'd never be able to go unnoticed what with all my adoring fans.

…

What do you mean you didn't know it was me?! What do you mean you completely forgot who Lord Crump was until I mentioned it?! I'm… I'm Lord Crump! You know! Famous villain that works under the amazing Grodus (now Grodletta) of the X-Nauts! Everyone loves me! I'm a cool yet handsome villain!

Don't you dare tell Luigi who I am! It'd completely blow my cover!

What? You think it wouldn't matter if he knew anyway? That's stupid. You're stupid. Let me try to enlighten you, dear reader. I was sent down from the moon to gather information! The moon! You know that big shiny thing you see up in the sky? Yeah, I live there with an army of technological superbeings! My leader, Grodletta, has suddenly taken a huge interest in New Donk City. She knows how brilliant and trustworthy I am, so she sent me away as soon as possible and for as long as possible! Heh, it's tough when you're this great.

Er… hm… I probably shouldn't tell you my entire plan, should I? Again, do NOT tell Luigi any of this! He can't know about my super-secret mission! If Wario or anyone else figured out I wasn't actually a rich noble dude… eesh! Who knows what would happen! Luckily, my disguise is infallible, much like me.

Luigi's crying is really grating me right about now, so I'm gonna go. Remember what we discussed all right? No spoiling this to Luigi. Don't be surprised when you see me at the end of this being the Big Bad all along! Buh huh huh!

---

"Here is your crummy notebook back, kind sir," Sir Spish said, tossing it over his shoulder.

What did he write!? He was writing something! But now it's all whited out! What in the world was the point?! Even now, as I write this in my hotel room, I'm still baffled and confused. Something about that guy really rubbed me the wrong way. It's like he reached in through my notebook and just… took something. I don't know. It wasn't right.

"Hey!" a muffled voice shouted behind me, followed by a rushing of footsteps. Her cheeks were full of food. "This guy botherin' you, Luigi?!"

Sir Spish nervously twirled his cane as Daisy appeared, a line of fried Blooper Rings around her knuckles like a pair of brass knuckles. She scowled, taking another bite before she had even swallowed her first one.

"N-no! Not at all my dear good lady!" Sir Spish's voice trembled. "My fellow chap and I were simply… comparing notes!"

"Shut it, rich guy!" Daisy shouted, flecks of fried Blooper bouncing against his red neckerchief/scarf. "No one is allowed to read Luigi's diary but me!"

Yeah!

… Wait, she's been reading these? Please stop.

"A-ah, well, but you see, we were comparing notes…" Sir Spish tried again desperately.

"Nobody compares anything! That's all fantasy stuff you find on the internet!" Daisy shouted, completely immune to logic.

A monocle popped out of Sir Spish's eye. His cane continued to twirl, but it was too fast, too erratic, like he encountered a critical error. This kind of thing happens when people talk to Daisy. "What?!" was all he could say back, his posh voice completely gone.

"You're a rich guy who never went to college or somethin'?!" Daisy growled, chomping down on her Blooper Rings. "I said take a hike! That means get lost! That means GO AWAY."

"I-I'm rich! I went to college! I swear!" Sir Spish cried, fumbling for his fallen monocle. "I have a degree in… in economics!"

Daisy narrowed her eyes. "I've never heard of that word in my life."

Sir Spish sputtered something up. "P-pardon?"

"Did I stutter?! Get lost suspicious guy!"

"No, it's Sir Spish Ush Man actually…"

"Do I need to spell it out?! G-I-T-E L-O-S-T!" Daisy then whisper-yelled into my ear, filling it with crumbs. "That's how you spell 'get' in rich people. Trust me."

Um. Okay.

"I'm leaving! I'm leaving!" Sir Spish cried. He scrambled away from the buffet table to a dark corner of the dinner room to sob. A relatable experience when dealing with Daisy.

"Forget that guy," Daisy said. In all seriousness, she probably did forget him already. "Where you sitting, Weege? I'll join you for now."

Ugh. I hate that nickname. But she did just help me.

I guided her back to our table, pushing past a familiar sweet-smelling armored turtle. Chef Torte! He and his apprentice were complaining about something or other, wheeling in various colorful cakes and other sweets.

"Zey make ze Tayce T. ze main attraction and yet she does not even appear!" he complained.

I gasped. Cork and Cask were here too! Serving their delicious bubbly sodas! And they were getting along with Torte and his apprentice?! What in the world?!

"Hon hon!" Cork laughed angrily, soda popping open pleasantly as he poured the purple beverage into a glass for one of the patrons. "For once, you 'ave zee correctness! Tayce T. is 'ow you zay…"

"Mon fraud!" Cask added. "Does not deserve zee title of madame! She does not work as hard as us!"

Wow! To think, all it took was a common enemy for them to band together! Tayce T. has always been one of the better-known chefs, and it looked like Wario couldn't afford to have her stay around and keep cooking. Chef Torte and the Chuckola Cola brothers must have resented her for that and her fame.

Daisy swiped an orange drink out of Cask's barrel of bottles and a donut out from Torte's platter. (She was really on a circle shaped diet, wasn't she?) They grumbled together, revoking the status of 'madame' from Daisy as well. She didn't mind.

I arrived back our table to find a gleaming glass of green at my chair. "Cork and Cask came by and I got a drink for you!" Goombella said happily. "Citrus and lime is your favorite right?" Oh! She knew? Er… maybe it's just because it's green.

Daisy took the seat next to mine, still chowing down on her ring-shaped foods. She chugged her orange Chuckola Cola and let out a disgusting belch. In the corner of my eye, I saw Wario give a thumbs up atop his throne.

"D-Daisy!?" Goombella stuttered. "You want to sit with us?"

"Seriously? What do you see in her?" Toadette grumbled.

"Don't get excited, pig. I'm only sitting here cuz I know Luigi and only until they bring out more Blooper Rings." Erm. Daisy still didn't like cops. I've tried to tell her multiple times it was Toadette who helped find her crown, but she insisted it was only because Toadette was an 'ex-pig.' I wasn't going to try and defend the NDPD very much, but I do wish she got along with my friends.

"I-I don't mind!" Goombella huffed, chair wobbling as she failed to keep still. "I-it's still so cool to sit with you! I'm a huge fan!"

"Uh-huh."

"I've—I've always wanted to be as good at sports as you, y'know? B-but I can't really because of the whole Goomba thing…"

"That's great."

"Goombella, she's ignoring you."

"Yup."

"…A-and then when you won that tennis championship against Bowser! You totally inspired so many women to be strong and showed that Bowser wasn't infallible, y'know?"

Toadette fell back into her chair with a sigh. "Aaand Goombella's ignoring me. Great."

Boy, this was awkward. Luckily! My food was still delicious! And I still wasn't the subject of any of this conversation! Ooh, and the sweet citrus soda bubbles left my mustache tingling. A perfect beverage to wash down this pasta!

Now, I know what you're thinking past Luigi, that's because I'm you! You were thinking, 'There's no way things could get any better than this! Good food, people ignoring me… that's it! I don't need anything else!'

But… it turned out things could get better. Ah! I'm so excited to write this part down! Past me would never believe what's about to happen! It was like a dream come true! I'll try to write it as best as I can! I never want to forget this moment. Even in hard times like I am in now, at least I can look back at what happened next with fondness.

Seeing as this is also around the time the crime happened, let's see if I can't get my memories in order and really get some detail about the place.

The dining hall was really filling up with all sorts of people! Wario sat upon his throne with a greedy grin, grinding his garlic between gnarly teeth. Bowser, Kammy, and King Boo sat front and center, closest to Wario and his priceless artifacts. Vivian floated close by to me, clinging to the shadows. I saw her look my way before quickly looking to the floor.

Professor E. Gadd, Kolorado, and Dr. Crygor chattered away happily. They must have been discussing inventions and adventures of some kind or other. Their table was next to Bowser's, close to the front. An old man waited on them, bones rattling, head balding, and teeth falling. He handed them their drinks and their food, but his body shook so much, that it caused one of the sodas to explode in Kolorado's face. The other two scientists had a good chuckle over it.

The Boosters were busy hooting and hollering and generally just being obnoxious as per usual. Booster was screaming weird orders to the Snifits who then sniffed orders to Waluigi who then wa'd those orders to Dodo who was also being screamed at by Valentina. I noted the way she couldn't take her eyes off the priceless treasures behind Wario, and the way she whispered (and yelled) to Dodo.

Sir Spish Ush Man marveled at the paintings nearby. He looked to be talking to himself and didn't appear to have eaten anything? The strange 2D shadow man appeared at his side, scaring him half to death. The shadow man was holding a tray of appetizers fit for a rich man like Sir Spish. Sir Spish shook his head. The shadow man shrugged and drifted into the crowd.

A moment later the cute cat from before appeared at Sir Spish's feet, meowing. Sir Spish looked around suspiciously, making sure no one saw what he was about to do. (I saw, but no one notices me.) Next, he bent down and pet the kitty gently. She bumped into his heavy hands, probably purring like a well-oiled machine. Sir Spish was loving it.

And then, last and maybe least, was my table with Toadette, Goombella, and Daisy. We sat the farthest away from everyone, thank goodness, and closest to the food where Chef Torte, his apprentice, and Cork and Cass fussed over incessantly. But! This is very important! There was one more guest about to appear, one more character to fit into this overstuffed hall of strange people… This guest was probably the most important of all, the most distinguished of all, the most beautiful of all! He would join just before this mess all happened.

The dining hall doors exploded open with a beautiful bang. It was enough of a flashy entrance to catch everyone's attention yet also still gentle enough not to break anything. How like him…

"Hey~!" a silky voice boomed in on a cool breeze. It kissed my eardrums, it stole the breath right out of mouth, and all the while I could practically hear the horns accompanying that dazzling voice.

"Oh no, you're kidding," Daisy groaned. "Not that guy…"

"Wahaha! Well, well! Look who it is!" Wario stood up on his throne, his pupils turning to dollar signs as green as our new guest. "Late to the party, eh, buddy?"

"Please forgive my tardiness, chums!" the beautiful man said. He brushed his blonde hair from his eyes, and the entire room was blinded by his beauty. Like, literally. His hair was so shiny, it let out a flair of sparkling light when he flicked it.

Bowser flinched, and King Boo was stunned to the point of showing off his weak point. I, however, felt as if I was taken straight to the gates of heaven! I'd never seen the flash of light in real life! I always thought that was just a special effect they added on TV.

Toadette rubbed her eyes before leaning towards Goombella. "Uh… who is that guy?"

"Him? Oh that's-"

Prince Peasley! He's the son of Mayor Bean from Bean Bean City! He got the 'prince' nickname from his mother who has held office as Mayor for so long, that they simply refer to her as Queen Bean! He's known all throughout Bean Bean City as him and his mother are the kindest and most attentive Beanish people in the entire world! She listens to her people, and Peasley is the proof! It was even Prince Peasley who drove the evil witch, Cackletta, out of Bean Bean city!

"Uh? Luigi...?"

Prince Peasley regularly appears on TV too! He's a huge celebrity known for his 'royal' status and his sporty status! He does it all! From saving kittens in trees, to kart racing, to solving diplomatic disputes between city borders! All while being fabulously handsome and kind!

"Ugh…"

Did I mention he's a Beanish person? He is a Beanish person. While most Beanish people tend to have extremely large and terrifying teeth, Peasley's are the epitome of perfection! They shine white and clean almost as clearly as his golden head of hair! And I haven't even described his skin! Emerald green, a dazzling color, and as smooth as a plump pair of peas in a delicious pod!

And he's here! He's here! In the same room as me! Prince Peasley! Oh, I dreamed of this day!

"I've never heard Luigi talk so much in my entire life," Toadette said, shocked. Goombella's mouth was wide open.

"I have," Daisy huffed, crossing her arms. "Every time Peasley shows up on TV."

Enough about Daisy and whoever!

Prince Peasley floated across the dining room hall upon his winged cushion. Peasley stood before Wario, a perfectly pristine pea, and touched the ground with grace. His winged cushion fluttered out of the dining hall, just like my heart.

"It is a pleasure to finally meet you, Sir Wario." Peasley bowed with a flourish.

Wario flicked something off his finger before grabbing Peasley's hand, locking in an incredibly firm handshake. "Nice ta meetcha, Prince Pee-whatever. You're the rich kid from outta town, yeah?"

Even though Wario's muscles were bulging with veins, even though his handshake would probably rattle Bowser, Peasley's shiny smile never faltered. What a man…

"I daresay I am! Rich probably doesn't even begin to describe it, hahaha!" His laugh! It was like an angel dropped down from heaven and played a joyous tune for us mere mortals to hear.

Wario was beginning to see the light. His eyes went from yellow coins, to red coins, to blue coins, then to just plain huge diamonds. It was terrifying to witness. "Now that's-a-what I like to hear! You and me are gonna be good friends! Best friends! And to think you came here to support my new hotel, eh?!"

Peasley laughed his sweet laugh once more, my heart ringing with each undulation. "Ah, Sir Wario, I believe that is where we may be at some odds!" His smile never faltered; his hair never lost its beautiful shimmer.

The diamonds in Wario's eyes reverted to normal—poor penniless pupils. "Eh?"

"You see, if I might be so bold, I'd like to tell you of my true reason for coming to your wonderful hotel." The way he said it, no one could possibly hear any sarcasm, no one could possibly sense any ulterior motives or ill will.

Wario's brows furrowed. This conversation was taking longer than he liked and it was appearing more and more that it wasn't going to make him money. "Hurry up!"

"Ah, a man of speed! I respect your straight-to-the-point attitude!" Peasley went on, to Wario's great displeasure. "If you would be so kind, Sir Wario, I'd like to point your attention to one of your treasures you have on display here."

"Which one!?" Wario asked angrily, ready to crash shoulder first into the glass cases to protect them from possible prying hands. "These are all my most prized possessions, worth thousands, millions of coins!" He scrambled over to the pot on display front and center, right next to his throne. "You looking to take my ancient Pot of Luxeville?! I found it fair and square in that ancient golden pyramid! It's MINE."

"No, Sir Wario-"

"Tell 'em, old man!" Wario screamed, pointing a paranoid finger at the boney old man who was waiting on E. Gadd's table. "You were there with me! You saw me find it! I helped you escape, took all the treasure for myself, and let you work here! Remember?!"

"Eh? Wuzzat?" the old man's voice sounded like a teapot that had been boiling over for years. "You went to the fair in town square?"

"See! Proof!" Wario screamed.

"That was not what I was referring to," Peasley said, cool as a cucumber and as green as one too.

"Then you think I don't rightfully own these four sacred talismans of an ancient civilization?!" Wario hopped over to four other pedestals housing some golden artifacts lined with sapphire. A crown, earrings, a brooch, and bracelets, clearly part of a matching set for some long-forgotten princess. "Look at the way they float! They've got to be worth something! Also, they're MINE!"

The black cat from before pawed at one of the pedestals with the crown. To my shock, it closed its huge yellow eyes and began floating upwards, a ray of heavenly light surrounding the cute kitty. The artifacts appeared to be attracted to the kitty. At that moment, she seemed so at peace, so ready to move on.

"Good kitty! Get outta here! Stop playing with MY priceless artifacts!" Wario quickly chucked the floating cat away, tossing it out of its peaceful trance. Luckily it landed on all fours on Waluigi's head. "Cat's floating again! Must be hungry! Take care of it!"

"Wa…"

"I'm afraid I'm not interested in those artifacts either, Sir Wario," Peasley said, once again, completely unphased by what just happened. "However, your pet cat is quite adorable the way it nearly sheds its mortal coil."

Why wasn't anyone else freaking out about the floating cat?!

"Yeah, can't seem to get rid of the dang thing!" Wario grunted, sniffing one of his fingers.

"Anyways," Peasley flicked his hair back once more, blinding the dining hall with his beauty and bringing all attention back to where it belonged. "I was referring to that wonderful piece of art you have next to that other wonderful piece of art."

Wario sniffed again. "Eh?" He looked back to the enormous portrait of himself sitting on a throne and eating garlic. He was incredibly buff and had long flowing hair, but that bulbous nose and twisted mustache stayed exactly the same. "This one, right? Pretty great, eh?"

"No, no, the smaller one. Next to it." Peasley pointed a pristine finger poignantly. "You appear to have some artwork of my mother that was stolen."

"Oh, this junk?!" Wario pulled his eyes off himself for one moment to look at the smaller artwork.

It was still big, all things considered, but next to Wario's massive ego, anything looked small. It was a beautiful oil painting of Mayor Bean in all her large glory. Unlike Wario, her portrait appeared to be more honest. Her huge chompers glowed bright, tied to a rather scary smile that most Beanish people seemed to find trustworthy. Her frizzy purple hair was a stark contrast to Peasley's blonde, but I wasn't about to ask questions.

"Yes. That is a famous portrait of my mother, Mayor Bean, of Bean Bean City. Also known as Queen Bean to our people. We believe it was stolen by a rather infamous pirate in an awful raid by a Captain Syrup."

Wario's face exploded in sweat. "Never heard of her! Probably a terrible woman! Wouldn't trust her!"

Prince Peasley's expression never changed from its graceful tact. "Ah, and I do so believe you, Sir Wario! Yet here we stand, in plain view of my mother's priceless portrait! A strange yet convenient predicament for the two of us, is it not?"

Wario nodded. "Ha! You bet! You sayin' you wanna buy this junk off me?"

Peasley shook his head, his hair floating in the wind like a thousand golden strings in a sexy lute. "Haha, Sir Wario, you are a fine jester! I would merely ask you return the portrait to its rightful owners."

"I'm the rightful owner!" Wario growled. "I bought it off Captain-er… I bought it off some unrelated lady's garage sale for a couple-a-bucks fair and square! You want it back; you better pay up rich boy!" He grumbled something under his breath. His lips moved to say what appeared to be, 'Knew I shouldn't have trusted her again.'

Prince Peasley flourished once more, his cape fluttering in a blinding breeze. "Haha! Quite the shrewd man as I expected, Sir Wario! I will not be buying our own property back under any circumstance! You understand."

Wario grinned. "Hey, I wouldn't wanna pay much for your momma either! Wahaha!"

Prince Peasley didn't even flinch. "Well, it was a pleasure chatting with you, Sir Wario. I expected things wouldn't go quite so smoothly, so I do believe I'll take you up on your offer and be staying in your hotel after all!"

"That so, buddy? Well, if you ain't buying anything yet, go on and enjoy yourself away from me! You'll be good publicity either way!" Wario resumed lounging in his throne, waving Prince Peasley away like he wasn't the most precious treasure in the entire world! Terrible taste! There's no way he's my cousin!

Prince Peasley bowed and strolled through the dining room without so much as a wrinkle of worry.

Notebook, you won't believe what happened! I still can't believe it! Was I dreaming? Am I still dreaming? Someone pull at my nose or tickle my mustache if I am! Ah, dream or no, I have to tell you what happened! I have to write this down! I never want to forget this.

"Miss Daisy, is this seat taken?" Prince Peasley asked, standing directly next to me. His hair smelt like freshly cut lavender, right out of a castle's garden! He was motioning to the chair next to me! Next to Daisy! I couldn't…

Daisy locked her arms across her chest. The deepest frown I've ever seen on her lips. "Actually, yeah," she started to say.

I was not going to let Daisy ruin this.

"It's-a-not-a-taken!" I screamed. Daisy winced. Peasley's golden hair flew back at the force of my voice, but he didn't even blink.

"Thank you so much, kind sir," Peasly said to me. TO ME. I can't believe Peasly spoke to me… He called me kind! Am I kind? Peasley wouldn't lie! "Might I add that your green hat and shirt are quite a fashionable statement? I adore the color."

"Aja, ba, ga, ha…" I said succinctly, ready to faint. He liked my hat! My hat… that's me! My hat is part of me! He likes me? He thought I looked good? Oh, I might faint even now at the thought!

"Hahaha, you are quite the funny fellow!" And he laughed. That sweet angelic laughter. Like a million angels thrumming a harp inside my chest! His smile was so pure, so perfect, I, I… It shook the darkness from my mind, it slayed the anxiety that constantly tried to overtake me. Where the world seemed so hollow, so empty, so devoid of color and hope, all I could see was him and his beautiful smile.

"Yeah, okay, that's enough of this," Daisy groaned, pulling Peasley to face her. "Anymore and you'll kill the guy."

I hate to say it, notebook, but she was right. I could feel the angels tugging at my heart and soul, lifting me away to heaven. If I were to die with Peasley's smile so close to mine… I could die happy. Only problem with dying is that I wouldn't get to see Peasley as much!

"It is so wonderful to see you again, Miss Daisy!" Peasley said. "You still look as beautiful as the day we first dated."

Wait.

Daisy and Prince Peasley… DATED?!

My jaw hit the table. The angels tugging at my heart now felt more like mischievous imps, pulling me down into a Lethal Lava Land. Goombella spat out soda. Toadette was disgusted. Not sure by who.

Daisy groaned, rolling her eyes at me. "You always bring that up and you neglect to mention it was also our last date."

"Hahaha!" Peasley graced my ears with his laughter once more, pulling me out of this sinking sand pit of depression. "Oh, but the reactions are priceless!"

Daisy was not amused. Not a single bit. "This is exactly why I hate you. You always, always, have to make everything about you."

"My sincerest apologies," Peasley said with a bow. "I merely wished to highlight your stunning beauty and unique personality to the world! I didn't mean to bring attention to myself."

What a hero! What a caring, kind, attentive prince! Ah, how could I ever take my eyes off someone so perfect?!

Daisy grinded her teeth. "Can yourself, pea-brain!"

Of course Daisy hated him. He was the exact opposite of her, yet also the better version of her. Sort of like Peach. She was constantly living in the shadow of people like Peach and Peasley, yet never living up to their perfection. Huh… Why do I feel such a strange pity for her right now?

But, well, like everything else good in my life, it had to end at some point. It's funny how it went from 'best moment' to 'one of the worst moments' so quickly.

Prince Peasley was the perfect distraction. It's not that I'm usually very attentive in the first place, but I do tend to look in more places than one.

All I remember was staring at Peasly's princely smile, lost in his perfection, and then…

Something smashed, it sounded like a glass breaking. Then…

Black.

It was a terrifying experience. Like something had flipped a switch and turned a wonderous dream into a terrifying nightmare. Peasley was there, everyone was there, and then nothing.

Someone screamed. I screamed, too. It was a total commotion. Plates shattered on the floor, mob bosses roared, grumpy people groaned, others hissed, but most were confused. "What's going on?!" someone said.

"Eh?! Who turned out the lights?!" Wario said above the rambunctiousness of it all. That's when I knew this for sure wasn't some weird publicity stunt.

"Ehehehehe…" a raspy voice laughed. Who would be giggling at a time like this? Stupid question. A lot of the dinner patrons here probably would be.

"I can't even see my drink! Someone turn on the lights, NOW! DODO!"

"Ah. Let me try." I heard an angel clear his throat. "Hey~!" Peasley must have flicked his hair. The room went from darkness to blinding white flash. I was only able to catch the room for a split second, but most people were just shielding their eyes.

"That didn't help at all pea-brain!"

"Haha. Whoops."

"Goombella?"

"Hold on, hold on!"

Suddenly a bright ray of light burned into my face. Goombella's headlamp cut through the darkness like a butterknife cut through a jungle of Piranha Plants. That is to say, it didn't work very well, but it was something.

She scanned our table first. Toadette was okay, if a little shaken. She had scooched close to Goombella. I could tell she was trying hard to fight her natural Toad instincts to run and scream. She was doing a good job! Better than me.

The light fell on Peasley, who was just smiling beautifully as if nothing had happened. Daisy's frown was even angrier, but apparently it seemed like a good time to chow down even more, since what else was she gonna do?

Goombella's flashlight whipped around the dining hall, but it couldn't grab a good enough look at anything else from a distance. Something shuffled near where Wario was, but I couldn't tell if it was just Wario himself.

"This is getting REAL annoying," Bowser hissed. "Hey, King Boob, what's the deal?! Can't you of all people get the lights on?!"

"Oh, yeah, sure, the ghost knows how to turn on the lights. Of everybody in the room, you think the ghost wants the light on?"

"Shut up! I meant, can't you see better in the dark or something?! You're a Boo!"

"I can see your ugly mug, but that's about it! I need time for my eyes to adjust, too! You fools are the one keeping me in lit areas all day!"

"Do I gotta do everything here?" Bowser roared, snapping his claws together. A tiny flash in the darkness. "I've had ENOUGH! ROOOOOOOAR!"

Heat washed over the dining room, unbearable sticky heat. Orange and red flames enveloped the drapes along the ceiling dangerously, but at least we could see in the dim light it brought us. Mischievous shadows hopped all along the walls, over the tables, and across the corners. The dinner patrons all appeared to be at their seats as far as I could tell. At least the ones who were at their seats. I couldn't be sure if anyone had left in the commotion, though.

I lost sight of Waluigi, the shadow man, the cooks, and the other staff. Sir Spish was also nowhere to be seen.

"That is much better! I don't know why the power would possibly go out, but I've almost got it working again!" a nerdy yet cybernetic voice said. "One moment… and… there we go!"

Once more we were blinded as the lights flashed back to life. It seemed it wasn't just the lights that went out, but all power as well. Sprinklers appeared from the ceiling and doused not only Bowser's flames, but the entire dining room. Cool water rained down from above, drenching our clothes and ruining our meals.

Complaints of all kinds tumbled through the dining hall. "Agh, man!" "Good heavens!" "Who let the rain inside? That's messed up. That stuff's supposed to be outside." "I'm gonna short-circuit in this-er-I mean-I do believe I am a regular human whose consumption of water is most adequate!"

"All right, all right, everyone," Wario groaned, shifting in his moist throne like the king of grumpy babies.

"Dodo! Complain to the chef right now! I don't care for wet food!" A sigh. "Vhat, vhat, vhat?! Ze food iz terrible from a bit of ze water? Zat should show you why Tayce T. is NOTHING." "For once, I'm not too mad. My ghost food's fine." Where did he get ghost food…? "Wow, Daisy, you're really still eating, huh…"

People weren't listening to Wario. Eyes weren't on him. He really was the opposite to me. It's not that he's an attention loving guy, but when he wants it, he gets it.

"SHADDAP, ALL OF YOU!" Wario screamed. The room went almost quiet.

'No one tells Bowser what to do.'

Wario yelled, "Someone, whoever! Get me a towel!" There was an awkward silence. Moments passed into more moments, and that was already way too long for Wario. "What's taking so long!? You're all supposed to be my servants!"

"Wa, sorry, cuz!" Waluigi wa'd forlornly. He quickly lumbered over to Wario, his legs moving like clown stilts as he held out a towel.

Wario snatched it, eyeing Waluigi with a glare. "Thanks, cuz. Should-a-known family's all you can really trust."

Waluigi's tired eyes shone like an empty can. That was probably the most praise he'd gotten in a long time. How sad.

The shadowy man from before slinked from the darkness, near the buffet table where Sir Spish stood. Sir Spish was hastily wiping himself down like his life depended on it. The shadowy man must have given his towel to Sir Spish before Wario. He stood between four precious artifacts but said nothing.

"Wuzzat?" the old man rasped, out of breath. This whole ordeal must have left him shocked. "Need some extra thrust?"

"Bah! Quiet old guy! What'd I expect from you?" Wario wiped his face down first, flicking drops of water off his mustache like a diving board. "Now that we know I'm okay, let's make sure all my stuff's okay!"

"Coulda made sure your guests were all totally fine first, y'know?"

"QUIET! Now let's see, let's see… Paintings're fine. Nice and clean now. Probably saved me money! Wahaha! My artifacts are looking good so far and… OH MY GOD!"

Wario's scream was awful. It caught everyone's attention. I was sure someone had gotten hurt, or worse, killed. The despair and pain in his tone were apparent to all, the fear and shock even more so. It was serious.

"SOMEONE STOLE MY POT OF LUXEVILLE!"

"The wha-"

"THIEF! THIEF!" Wario screamed, tumbling out of his throne like a sack of garlic. In a mere moment, he became an invincible shoulder-bashing boulder. Nothing could stop him. He slammed shoulder first into a big red button labelled 'DO NOT PRESS!'

Dr. Crygor wailed, "Wario! Goodness, no! It's not ready yet!"

The entire dining hall shook. Chandeliers tinkled, plates shattered against the floor (again), Kolorado fell onto his back, and something appeared to whirr to life inside the walls. Metal plates slammed down over the windows, locking in place. I heard the same plates screech down throughout the building, closing every possible exit.

"What the heck is going on?!" Bowser roared, the only one able to withstand the strange earthquake.

Something else whirred. The lights went from rich Wario yellow, to alert and angry red. A sound buzzed out of the walls again, like an old console bursting to life, but on a massive scale. Like someone had turned on thousands of consoles at once. The metal plating began to shimmer, and the buzzing died down into a low hum.

Sirens began to blare, 'THIEF!' over and over. I had to cover my ears.

"No one's leaving until I get MY treasure back!" Wario screamed, his tiny legs standing on the top of his throne. "I've set this place on LOCKDOWN. You hear me? LOCKDOWN. Give me back MY TREASURE."

The guests looked to and from each other. Most confused. Others annoyed. Bowser was confused and annoyed. A dangerous combination for him.

"I didn't do anything!" Bowser roared. "You can't keep me in here!" He pointed at a nervous Dr. Crygor who was nearly rusting away from his own sweat. "YOU! Turn this damn thing off!"

"I-I can't!"

"That's right!" Wario howled, pointing at his empty podium like someone had stolen his baby right out of the stroller. "The only way to un-lockdown this place is to put my treasure back in its place! The computer-thing-a-majig knows the exact weight and shape of my treasure! Until it gets the real thing back, it won't be happy, and I won't be happy!"

King Boo shook his head/body. The blaring lights and sirens were no place for a ghost. "This is incredibly moronic. I'm getting out of this mess of a hotel." Wario grinned, but King Boo ignored it as he floated languidly towards one of the walls leading out into the city. "So long, losers! Good luck dealing with th-"

King Boo expected to simply slip right through the wall like ghosts love to do. Instead, he simply bonked his enormous head/body against it like a squeaky toy. King Boo couldn't fathom what was happening. Wario laughed. "Wahaha! Nice try, ghost thief! Think I've not dealt with magical spirits taking away my rightfully earned treasure?"

E. Gadd slammed his wrinkly hands on the table. "Anti-ghost technology!?"

"Ah, erm," Dr. Crygor shuffled up to the front of the dining room. "A bit of a new design on my part, actually." Even though his singular laser eye darted back and forth with anxiety, I could tell he was still proud. "It's a barrier that keeps all magical creatures from passing through. Ghosts, fairies, demons, ancient spirits, ancient evil, ancient good, ancient neutral…"

A lot of protection against old things. Wario did tend to disturb the present and future, but it seemed he disturbed the past most of all.

"Basically, if Wario's Anti-Horror Security system (or W.A.H.S.) is working as intended," Dr. Crygor went on, his voice shaking, but now with excitement. "As it does clearly seem to be, then it will be as Wario says! Not a soul will be able to enter this hotel or leave this hotel until the stolen artifact is reclaimed!"

"Wait a minute, waitaminute, WAIT A MINUTE." Bowser stomped up to Wario, pointing his claws at the barrier-plated steel. "You're telling me I'm seriously locked in? Kammy, KAMMY! Blow the door up, make a portal, do SOMETHING."

Kammy sighed. She shot a twirling beam of colorful triangles, circles, and squares at the barrier. It simply poofed out of existence. She shrugged. "You know I can't make portals, Your Rancidness."

Bowser nearly hopped out of his shell the way he started to run his hands over himself, looking for something. Wario eyed him extremely suspiciously. Bowser pulled out a rather stylish phone in the shape of his head, hit a few buttons, and pressed it against his ear. His maw dropped and his shoulders drooped.

"No reception…"

Dr. Crygor piqued in with a nervous grin. "Ah, yes, the W.A.H.S. prevents quite literally everything! That means the radio-waves emitted—"

"NO!" Bowser screamed. "NO! You can't do this to me, you tubby little goblin!"

Wario shrugged. "What're you so nervous about, eh? Just wait it out till the thief comes clean. Unless of course, you're the thief…"

"You think I care about some stupid artifact!?" Bowser roared, straight into Wario's face. Wario just picked the wax from his ears. "My son's at home and he's expecting me back tonight! I didn't leave him with a babysitter because he's growing into a responsible boss of his own, but that doesn't mean he can be left on his own! I thought we'd be gone for a day at the most!"

Kammy frowned. She shifted something around in her mouth as she thought. "I absolutely share your worries, Your Dadliness. Jr. means the world to me as well. I am certain the Koopa Kids will notice your disappearance and know to watch over Jr."

Bowser's eyes widened as threats started to pour into his head. It was something I was quite familiar with. Catastrophizing. Terror. All the worst outcomes that could happen. Jeez, I never thought that could happen to Bowser of all people.

"Those idiots couldn't protect a key to a janitor's closet!" Bowser yelled. His tough voice shook. "It was only just last year that Jr. got kidn-" He shut his mouth suddenly, remembering where he was and how many people were listening. "The damn Koopa Bros. are still angry. Smithy's gang has been wandering around our territory, probably looking to expand! There's thugs over at my casino every moment of every day! You think the cops are gonna protect him if something happens?"

"Actually-" Goombella started unhelpfully.

"SHUT UP!" Bowser roared. "No! I can't be left in here! I won't! I'm getting out of here!"

And… well. You know what happened next, notebook. I already wrote that part down once I knew something bad was going to happen. Bowser went berserk trying to get out of the hotel. Goombella and Toadette tried to stop him. They failed, of course. But they looked to me for help and I said no.

Why didn't Peasley jump into help? I suppose that's a good question, but at the same time is it fair to expect him to stop a rampaging dragon simply because he's handsome, rich, and good at sports? I suppose not. Then why expect me to help? I'm not handsome. I'm poor, and I'm certainly not good at sports.

Was it fair of them to expect me to help? I still don't have the answer to that. I still wonder what would have happened if Daisy didn't intervene. She certainly didn't fit into the criteria of a hero, but she stepped in anyway.

Just because she's reckless doesn't mean I have to be! I shouldn't have to live up to anyone else's standards! I don't have to be a hero just because my brother was one!

Still…

If something had happened to Goombella and Toadette… would I be able to live with it?

I sighed. Here I am, back in my room, back in the present. I wish it was the past. I wish whatever was going on now was already over. But it's not. The sirens have finally stopped blaring at least, so I can relax somewhat. The lights are back to normal, nice and yellow, like nothing ever happened. But when I look to the window, I still see that horrid metal plating with its poisonous purple glow, blotting the outside world out.

This should be what I've always wanted, right? An excuse to stay inside, an excuse to keep to myself and away from everyone. It should be a dream come true! And yet… I can only just barely hear the pitter-patter of the rain against metal. It's a reminder the outside world still exists. It's somewhat comforting.

I shook my head. I may be in the present now, but… I still want to write mostly in past tense. It's easier that way. It makes it feel like this whole mess is partially over.

Something needed to be done to get us out of this mess. Someone needed to take the blame. Try as I might to take that blame, it won't fix my situation. It's up to someone else. Not me. I won't get involved. This isn't my problem.

I need to get some sleep. It's been a long day. I'll worry about this tomorrow.