1992

Travis waited patiently for his mother to finish with the beaters so he could lick them. He knew one day he'd have to share with Billy, but that day hadn't come yet. At two, Billy was walking and talking and getting into everything. Travis didn't think he caused that much trouble for his mother like Billy did, but he wasn't entirely sure.

"No, Billy! Hot!" their mother hollered now, making Travis jump. He saw her reach to snatch Billy back from the oven door. "Go stand with your brother."

Billy made his way over to Travis, unfazed. He smiled up at Travis, who felt his heart melt slightly. Then he looked away. He hadn't entirely forgiven Billy for flushing his favorite marbles down the toilet two days ago.

"Here, Trav," his mother said, handing him a beater. Travis took it gently and eagerly, washing the icing off with his tongue greedily.

"I want some," Billy said.

"Too sweet for you, luv," their mother told him. Billy stuck out his bottom lip. Travis felt like some justice had been served for his brother's bad deed. He certainly didn't feel his mother had punished Billy enough for taking his toys without asking and then sending them on a "water slide."

"You're not old enough," Travis added, putting salt on the wound. He liked being older. He got more privileges.

"That's enough, Trav," his mother warned. "I know you're still upset, but he's only two. He didn't know."

"Yes, he did," Travis muttered, not looking at either of them. He went to put his cleanly licked beater in the sink as per instruction. She handed him the second one next, which he finished in record time. Then he sat and watched her work on the cake she was decorating. It was for his father. He thought 32 was old, but his father didn't seem bothered by it. Travis was excited about the gift they'd gotten him: a Nintendo Entertainment System. His mother was excited too. Travis knew his father talked about it a lot, and he was finally getting one. Travis couldn't wait to play with it.

"Okay, go wash up, boys," their mother said. They obeyed. It was still hard to go into the bathroom because Travis still considered it the scene of the crime, but it was a bit easier than yesterday.

"Trawis," Billy said (he couldn't pronounce the "v" yet).

"What?"

"I have to pee."

"So go," Travis said. He knew his mother was working on potty training Billy, but he still wore a diaper.

"I need help," Billy said, going over to the toilet. Travis didn't want to lift him up onto the seat, so he got an idea.

"Go in the shower," he told his brother. Billy gave him a confused look, so Travis opened the door and pointed to the drain. "See? Pee down there." Billy was uncertain at first, but he kept looking at Travis to see confirmation there that it was okay, so he wandered in and pulled down his pants. The helpless look he gave Travis after almost made him laugh.

"You hold it," Travis instructed, gesturing, and Billy looked down at himself. After a moment, he figured it out. Then he was laughing as he sprayed urine around. Travis left him there and went to find his mother.

"Billy's peeing in the shower," he said to her. She choked on whatever it was she was eating before coughing and managing to swallow it.

"What?!" she exclaimed. Travis just pointed, and she ran. Travis felt like things would be fair again if Billy got in trouble. He went to listen outside the door, but he did not hear scolding. He heard laughing instead.

"Oh, sweetie," she was saying. "You're so smart to at least go for a drain!"

The little idiot didn't even tell her that it had been Travis's idea. This made him feel annoyed. He looked into the room to find Billy wearing what he would describe as a smug expression, if two year olds could make such a face. Travis believed they could.

"Grace?" his father called. "I'm home!"

She saw Travis standing there and gestured with her hand. "Go distract him!"

"Okay," he agreed, turning and running towards his father. He launched himself, and his father caught him easily and turned him upside down, swinging him from side to side as he laughed. Travis giggled too.

"Happy Birthday, Dad," he said.

"Thanks, champ," his father said. "What did you get up to today?"

"I found a bird's nest."

"Gnarly!"

"Dada!" Billy hollered, pounding his little legs on the floor as he ran. Their father had to adjust Travis so he could hold Billy too. He took them to the master bedroom where he fell onto the bed and they hurried to climb on his legs. Travis knew he was getting too heavy for this, but his father still seemed to be able to lift him a little bit. Billy could go higher since he was lighter.

"Honey, that's really not safe," his mother said as she came in and caught them doing it. Billy shrieked and squealed as their father moved his legs around fast, making them hang on for dear life.

"One day they won't be able to do this anymore," their father said, "and if this is the last time, I want it to be fun."

"Okay," she said.

"Again! Again!" Travis yelled.

"Ohhh, I'm pulling a muscle now," his father said with a laugh. They horsed around for a bit longer until it was time for dinner. Then it was time for cake. Travis's uncle and grandparents came. The cousins and aunt did not, which he was grateful for. His father loved the game system and gave his mother a huge kiss for it. Travis wondered what it was about a kiss that made someone's face go so red sometimes.

"Come on, Trav," his father said when the guests had gone home. "Let's set it up!"

And they did. Travis had fun playing with his father until bedtime. He hoped for many more fun times like this. He fell asleep feeling very happy, the loss of his marbles almost forgotten for now.

Three Months Later

Travis knew his mother was not feeling well. Billy and his father were sick too. Only Travis was healthy. As luck would have it, the only person who could look after him while the others were sick and in bed was his Aunt Jules. It was rare to get one on one time with her for more than a couple of hours. He was getting three whole days. He was beyond excited.

"Who's up for a scary movie?" Jules asked.

"Me!" he exclaimed.

He snuggled into her on the couch and shoved popcorn into his mouth. She was lenient with rules, which he greatly enjoyed. "No Rules Jules" she liked to say. He loved it. He did his best not to cover his eyes at scary parts. He didn't want his aunt to think he was a wuss.

"How's school?" she asked him after a while.

"Fine," he answered robotically. He didn't tell anyone that he was getting bullied. It had started off innocent, just his lunch getting knocked off the table. Then it escalated to being pushed down whenever he was passed. Now, Travis was getting sucker punched randomly when he wasn't expecting it, among other things. He felt his cheeks flame at recalling trying to pull his pants up when they'd been yanked down in the playground.

"I recognize that tone, young man," Jules said. "I know you're not fine."

"No, really..."

"Nah uh," she said, cutting him off. "Travis, I was bullied as a kid. I recognize the signs. You've got a few yourself, so just spill and tell me everything."

It seemed pointless to argue with her, so he did. She was angry by the end of it, her breathing heavier.

"Well, someone needs to teach that little shit a lesson," she said. Travis flinched slightly at the swear word. His parents were always very careful not to use that kind of language around him, but he thought it made his aunt seem cooler.

"You can't. He'll just make it worse for me," Travis told her.

"Well, fight back."

"I'm not allowed to hit people."

"If they're hitting you first, it's called self-defense. Come on, mate," she said, getting up and gesturing for him to do the same, which he did. "Let's practise."

"Practise what?"

"Some self-defense moves," she answered, moving him into position. "Okay, ready?"

"Ready."

She was quick. She slowed it down for him to show him how to block or deflect a hit. He felt in awe at her ability to do this type of thing.

"You're a quick study," she commented when they were finished.

"I am," he said proudly.

"Well, try it out next time, and see what happens. I'm confident you'll beat that drongo."

"Okay," he said with a grin. She grinned back. Then she asked if he wanted ice cream. He never wanted to leave.

Two Weeks Later

Travis was ready. He'd practised enough that he felt confident he could handle himself. He reflected fondly on the three days he spent with his aunt and all that she had taught him. Today was the day.

"Hey, it's the dag!" Charlie said, spying him and coming towards him. Travis braced himself.

"Rack off," he said boldly. Charlie made an "ooo" face at him and waggled his fingers before reaching to shove Travis into the lockers as hard as he could. Slightly winded, Travis shoved him back. Surprised, Charlie stood there for a second too long, leaving Travis time to throw his first punch.

They got locked into a battle after Charlie recovered. All the other students formed a circle around them, chanting. Travis could feel his nose bleeding, but Charlie had a split lip and the very beginnings of a black eye. He knew his aunt would be proud.

"Hey, hey, hey!" a teacher shouted, coming to break it up. Travis grinned at Charlie, who was giving him a sour look in return, as the teacher kept a hand on both of their chests to hold them back. Travis saw Charlie's tooth on the ground. In no time, the teacher was hauling them both to the principal's office.

Travis sat there waiting and feeling pretty confident. Charlie finally got what he deserved. Anyone would side on Travis's side. When it was his turn to see the principal, he walked in with his head held high.

"Young man," Principal Duggan said sternly. "Do you mind telling me why the hallway turned into a boxing ring earlier today?"

"I was doing self-defense," Travis replied.

"Self-defense?"

"Yes. Charlie has been pushing me and hurting me for long enough. Today, I fought back."

"That's not what Charlie told me," Principal Duggan said, looking over his glasses at Travis. "He told me that he was walking past you when you launched at him and started beating him up; it was an unprovoked attack."

Travis sat there stunned. Did Principal Duggan really believe this?!

"He's lying," Travis said dumbly.

"Witnesses concur with his story."

"That's cos they're his friends!" Travis burst out, clenching his fists. "They'll lie for him!"

"Travis," Principal Duggan said, folding his hands while his elbows remained on the desk. "I'm afraid I have to suspend you for the rest of the week. There is a no fighting policy in this school, but I believe in second chances and having faith that someone can learn from mistakes and move forward."

Travis gaped at him. Somehow, Charlie had convinced everyone he wasn't in the wrong, that Travis was the bad guy. It was horrifying. He opened and closed his mouth, words not coming. In the end, he didn't have to say anything. His mother was there, and she took over. Then Travis was being steered out of the office, down the hall, and out to the car, his mother's hand squeezing his shoulder tightly. Travis tripped over his own feet a couple of times, still shocked and numb. Once in the car, his mother said nothing and began to drive home. Travis knew he was in deep trouble. She didn't have to tell him.

When they got home, he went inside and stood by the door, waiting for his punishment. He vaguely wondered where Billy was, but that wasn't his priority right now. His mother knelt down in front of him, and he braced himself.

"What did he do to you, Travis?" she asked softly. "Cos the boy I know wouldn't attack someone without a reason." This took him off guard completely. He almost started crying but reminded himself that big boys don't cry. He wiped his arm across his face and began talking. He told her everything. By the end of it, she was nodding and "hmm-ing" a lot.

"Who taught you to fight?" she asked when he was done. He hesitated. He didn't want to get his aunt in trouble, but he couldn't find another way to answer the question.

"Aunt Jules," he answered. She sighed heavily and nodded again. Then she got to her feet, gave his shoulder a squeeze, and told him to go to his room. The message she'd given him was that fighting was the wrong answer to a conflict that could be solved with words, but Travis still felt Charlie had it coming. He pressed his ear to his door and heard his mother raging at his aunt on the phone. She was going on about the situation and how unfair it was, and then she was unleashing on Jules about how she shouldn't have taught him how to fight and that he'd knocked out Charlie's tooth etc. etc., which Travis didn't feel sorry for. He wondered if his aunt was happy that he'd finally fought back.

His door pushed open, and Travis was knocked back. He stumbled, catching himself before he fell onto his rear. Billy stood there looking at him with wide eyes.

"Trawis hurt?" he asked, pointing at the bruise on Travis's cheek from Charlie's fist.

"You should see the other guy," Travis answered. Billy's little face split into a grin to mimic Travis's. He wasn't entirely sure what Travis meant, but if his brother found it funny, then he would too. Without another word, Billy moved into him and gave him a tight hug.

"Wuv you," he said. Travis felt a twinge in his chest as he heard the words and felt his little brother convey them with his hug. He hugged him back. Maybe they could be close after all. Travis would just have to hide his favorite toys a bit better.

...

Travis looked up when his father came into his room later. His punishment was only a sandwich and water for dinner and no TV, video games, or reading. Travis wasn't that hungry anyway, and he was fine with sitting on his bed and staring at the wall. He watched his father sink onto the end of his bed and sigh at him.

"Trav, Trav, Trav," he said. "What's going on, mate?"

"He deserved it," Travis answered.

"I don't doubt that, but you know it's not right to fight," his father said sternly. Travis hung his head.

"I know."

"When did it start?"

Travis looked at his father and knew he'd believe him. He regretted not saying anything earlier about it. He told his father everything, and his father grew angry by the end of it.

"Drongo," he muttered before looking at Travis. "Look, your mother and I are going to have a meeting with the principal and Charlie's parents. We'll get to the bottom of this, all right?"

"Okay."

"Get some sleep," his father said, moving to tuck Travis in and kissing the top of his head. Travis watched him leave and turned onto his left side when he was gone. He wasn't tired. His brain kept going over and over the fight. It had been satisfying to see Charlie's face shocked for a brief moment. Travis didn't like bullies. He wondered if one day he'd have a job that would make bullies pay for what they did. He wondered what that kind of job would be called.

He fell asleep dreaming of grinding Charlie's face into sand, a smile on his lips.

...

When his suspension was over, Travis went back to school with his head held high. His parents hadn't had much luck with the principal or Charlie's parents (he heard his father ranting about it the night before), but Travis didn't care. He could handle himself now. All he needed to practise more was not getting caught.

"Whiner," Charlie said in his ear, catching up to him before no time. "Rat."

"Leave me alone," Travis ordered.

"This isn't over," Charlie said, pinching under his upper arm hard. Travis went to elbow him, but he danced out of reach. Travis glared at him. Charlie just laughed and stalked off. Travis knew he was going to have to deal with this bully for a while yet, but he wasn't about to let it faze him. He knew Charlie was mad at getting attacked back, so as long as Travis could hold his own, maybe Charlie would think twice before trying anything. It was all he could hope for right now since he was on his own.

But then soon it was summer, and Charlie got forgotten for a while.

A Month Later

Travis and Billy were having a water fight with the hose outside when their mother came flying out of the house. It was a hot day, and her dress was sticking to her skin, her hair limp. She looked very upset.

"Boys!" she called. Travis dropped the house while Billy kept on dancing, having not heard her. He was worried he was getting into trouble for using the hose. Their father had said he could, though.

"Billy, stop," Travis said, reaching to catch Billy's flailing hand as he did one more spin. Billy almost lost his balance but corrected himself. He looked at Travis and then over at their mother.

"Mummy?" Billy asked.

"Get in the car," she ordered.

"But we're playing," Travis whined slightly. It was hot. He didn't want to sit in the hot car while she did errands or talked to people. Shopping didn't quite match her current mood, though. He wasn't sure what was going on.

"Now!" she shouted. Travis and Billy slogged over to the car, dripping from the water. Their sandals squished under their feet. Their mother, who normally cared about the state of their dress in her car, helped them in and buckled Billy into his seat before getting into the driver's side. Travis knew something was very wrong if she didn't care that they were soaking wet.

They drove quickly, arriving at the hospital in record time. Travis felt scared now. Had something happened to their father? To someone else? His mother was distracted. She got out of the car and slammed the door shut, racing towards the building. Travis felt his skin prickle. Had she forgotten about them? It was hot in the car. Within moments, Travis was feeling tightness in his chest like he couldn't breathe. Billy was panting. Travis knew they couldn't stay in that car, no matter what his mother wanted. After a few more minutes and no sight of his mother, he made his decision.

"Hang on," Travis said, moving next to Billy and working to unbuckle him. It was a bit difficult, but Travis pushed hard on the mechanism. When it came undone, he untangled the straps and pulled his brother out of his car seat.

"Thirsty," Billy said, still panting.

"Yep, me too," Travis agreed. His head felt dizzy. "Come on, let's go find some water." He took Billy's hand, and they walked towards the hospital. Travis looked back at the car once, wondering how mad his mother would be to find them gone. They wandered into the waiting room, and Travis couldn't find her. A nurse eventually stopped when she saw them standing there, hand in hand.

"Are you guys lost?" she asked.

"We are Travis and William Timmons," Travis said in his most grown up voice. "Our mother is Grace Timmons. She came in here not long ago."

"Okay, dears," the nurse said to them. "You look roasted. Would you like some water?"

"Yes, please, ma'am," Travis said.

"Aw, you're a cutie," the nurse said with a smile. "Come on." She ushered them to chairs in the hallway and told them to wait. She returned with two glasses of water, which both Billy and Travis gulped down.

"You look like you've been swimming," she commented, sitting next to them.

"We were playing with tha' hose," Billy said gleefully.

"Sounds like fun," the nurse replied, chuckling.

"TRAVIS?! BILLY?!"

The three of them turned to see Travis's mother running into the hospital and looking frantic.

"Your mother?" the nurse asked him.

"Yep."

She stood and waved to get his mother's attention. His mother put a hand to her chest and looked very relieved. She rushed over to them and grabbed them both into a tight hug.

"You're okay," she said as a statement.

"You left us in the car," Travis said accusingly.

"I know, I know," his mother said. "I'm so sorry. I was upset and forgot...I'm sorry. I'll never do that again."

"Is Dad okay?" He couldn't keep the fear out of his voice no matter how hard he tried.

"Oh, Travs...it's not your father."

His skin prickled again.

"Who is it then?" he asked.

"It's...it's Aunt Julia," his mother answered. "She's hurt herself."

Travis's mind flashed to the cut marks on his aunt's wrists in the past. It made his stomach hurt.

"Is she okay?"

"Yes," his mother answered, nodding. "She'll be all right."

"Okay."

Billy was snuggled in his mother's arms now, and Travis felt a pang of jealousy. He was too big to do that now, almost nine. He wished he could, though. Eventually, their father came to take them home, and Travis reveled in having pizza for dinner. His father wasn't a big cook, so they always got fun meals. It drove his mother crazy sometimes, according to the chastising she gave his father when they were alone with the take out containers.

Their father got them settled for the night. Their mother returned late, but Travis woke up when she kissed his head good night. He could hear her muffled voice talking to his father after, and he strained to hear but was too tired to get up and listen properly. He felt better when both of them were home. After a while, Billy crept into his room and crawled into bed with him. Travis moved over to give him room. This didn't happen often, but when his brother felt scared or worried, he always came to Travis. It made Travis feel important. Even though his brother got on his nerves at times, he still loved him.

"Can I have Woofy?" Billy whispered. Travis dug the stuffed dog out from under his back and passed it to Billy, who snuggled with it instantly. After a few moments, he could hear Billy's slow, even breaths. He was asleep.

Travis was asleep not long after.

...

A few days later, Travis and Billy were at their grandparents creating a Get Better card for Aunt Jules. Travis was adding a few race car stickers to it when he saw his mother come inside quietly. He knew she was going to have Grown Up Talk with his grandmother, so he went to listen.

"I can't keep doing this, Mum," she was saying.

"I know," his grandmother answered.

"What if one day she succeeds?" his mother went on. "I don't know how to make things better for her."

"It's not up to you. She needs to have some therapy. I think it would really help her."

"Can you talk to her? She threw her dinner tray at me today when I suggested therapy."

"I will try."

"Mummy!" Billy cried, pushing past Travis and ending the Talk. Travis was a bit annoyed. It was how he found anything out around here. No one would tell him what was going on otherwise.

"Hi, luv," his mother said. Travis decided to show himself then. He brought the card, which his mother praised, telling him Jules would love it.

"I can take them again tomorrow," his grandmother offered.

"Thanks, Mum."

Travis hugged his grandmother goodbye. She smelled like cookies, which he loved. It was their secret about how many he was allowed to eat. Billy skipped as he walked alongside their mother. Travis could sense his mother was sad and scared. He wished he could make her feel better. He wished he could make his aunt feel better. He didn't think he'd ever understand what was going on, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to.

Sometimes it was better to stay within the lines of bliss and ignorance.