I straighten and take stock. Here I, Revan am on a Sith world orbiting a black hole having just been informed that I am to marry some off-brand Irulan knock off. Besides me is Alana, a gorgeous ex Czerka corp currently trying to kill Kalan with her brain. Over there is Tamman, a good looking Jedi woman who actually would be my lover were it not for destiny constantly interrupting everything like some malicious aunt straight out of PJ Wodehouse. Along for the ride are a killbot, a wicked witch, crazy space Viking, some other space wizards, another Isekai because just one is not enough and Han Solo, mythic edition. What a mess.

So, on this particular Taungsday I check things, smile and try to ignore the buzzing in my head that is Kalan's attempt to kill me.

"I thank you for your offer, but I am afraid I must decline. As a Jedi, I am sworn to a life of celibacy." I say. Behind me, Surik snorts.

The king smiles, I would say evilly, but that may just be default Sith, "Oh, but I insist Jedi. Besides your religion and vows mean nothing to me. So, you will marry Kalan."

So much for attempt number one.

"Be that as it may, I am bound by the Will of the Force. As one caught up in such I am very poor husband material." I say.

Again the evil grin, "Even better, those so bound are said to be strong beyond belief. The union of our lines could retake this Galaxy. So I insist."

Yeah, wasn't expecting that one to fly either.

"Well, I must also point out that Kalan hates and despises me with the fury of one thousand exploding suns. She does not want to marry me and you Sith value personal freedom above all else."

The king shifts uncomfortably, aha! Gotcha! He turns to his thankfully insufferable offspring, "Daughter! Does this Jedi speak the truth?"

Kalan nods, "That he does, I do hate Revan with an incandescent rage," she says and then a smile "His conclusion is in error, I do wish to marry him. May our mutual hatred ignite the stars and let us reclaim our birthright."

Oh, come on! That is the craziest thing I have yet to hear in this nuts as fuck universe. Before I can react to this new insanity there is a cry of pure rage as Alana launches herself at Kalan, a vibroblade keening in her hand. For her part, Kalan leaps back, spins and wrests a spear/pike thingy from a guard. Alana advances quickly, grabbing the pike with her off-hand as she slashes with the other. Kalan throws her off almost casually, but not before the blade grazes Kalan's left shoulder. She screams, activates the energy tip to a crackling intensity and transfers the weapon solely to her right arm. She is about to press the attack when the King calls out.

"Stop!", amazingly everyone does, "You, your name and do you have a claim on the Jedi?" he says to Alana.

For her part, Alana rises, "I am Alana Jons and yes, I claim the Jedi Revan as mine,"

"Very well. It seems you have a rival daughter. In three nights you shall face Alana Jons in a duel. To the death. Do you accept?"

Kalan nods, "I do,"

"And you Alana Jons, do you accept?"

Alana nods, "I do."

"Very well. Three nights hence you shall fight to the death for the hand of the Jedi Revan. See our guests to some accommodation. Court dismissed." says the King.

And that, it seems is that.

I really hate Taungsdays.

Half an hour later we are in a small common room. I have a headache and more than a few pressing problems.

"What were you thinking?" accuses Tamman.

"Saving Revan, didn't see you do anything Jedi girl." retorts Alana.

"Patience is the Jedi way, we do not act rashly," says Tamman.

"Patience? Don't make me laugh. You would just stand by and let that bitch, that bitch," seethes Alana.

"Yes, I would trust in the Force," says Tamman.

"I thought you loved him! And you would just calmly stand by?" says Alana.

"If need be," says Tamman.

"No magical solution is going to come Jedi girl."

Off to one side, I hear Atton speak quietly to Surik.

"This happens often?"

"Oh yes,"

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

"Okay, okay, let's see if we can come up with an actual solution." I attempt.

Alana smiles, "Oh, but we have one. In three days I gut that bitch and then, you're mine." she says.

"I concur master. Additional. Ms Jons would be the superior mate." says HK.

"As do I. I am impressed, Alana. Your victory shall be sung of by me and mine." says Manx.

"No, think. We all saw how Kalan moved. Alana, you were lucky and caught her off guard. She will take you apart in an arena." I say.

"So? I would rather die than see you in her clutches. As I see it, this is a win-win." says Alana.

"Revan is right. Alana, you cant do this," says Alek.

"I don't care," says Alana.

"Alright, everyone take five. We still need a solution. I'm going for a walk." I say. Hopefully, the outside may present a solution.

The Sith Palace has a garden which is lovely if fungi, reds, browns and violets are your thing. Above, clearly visible blazes the Nicht Ka. Come on!

"Where to now apprentice? It seems your destiny is not so easily denied," says Kae.

She is ahead of me.

"No, there must be a way out?"

"Must be? You demand of the universe that it shall be so? How are we denying fate again?"

"All I know is that there must be some way out. One where no one dies."

"Really? Know this Revan. Alana is doomed, she will die. As will Kalan, yourself and everyone else. Death is absolute."

"But does anyone need to die in three days?"

"Of course they shall. Trillions will die that particular day. What matters one more?"

"It matters to me!"

"Then it seems your path is set. One thing though. Alana."

"Yes?"

"Pay attention apprentice. I suggest you look at her through the Force. See how she has grown, how adversity has made her much more than when we found her. If you truly care for her then dispense with this false pity and let her fight her battle, forge her own destiny. If she is triumphant then she will be so much the stronger for it."

"And if she dies?"

"Her journey will end. Death comes to us all. I feel she will still end satisfied at what she has done."

Kae withdraws. Gee thanks, oh so not a darksider. I continue through the weird maze.

"Welcome most hated and beloved," says Kalan. She is kneeling in a meditative pose, spear weapon in hand. As she speaks she rises and winces as she uses her left arm to do so. Instinctively, I move to support her. "Let go of me, do not deny me my pain." she snaps.

"What? Okay. What is going on? I thought you hated me." I say raising my hands.

"Oh I do, most hated and beloved," she says stepping next to me. Her hand shoots out and grips my shoulder, her nails digging into my skin as she leans in, "Peace is a lie," she whispers into my ear.

"There is only passion," I complete automatically.

With a small cry Kalan grabs my hair with her injured arm and pulls me to her, "And you most hated and beloved, give me so much passion." she says kissing me. As she does so I feel her mind screaming as she tries to connect telepathically. I push her off me.

"Seriously my hated one, I can see your mind. I see your hatred for injustice and I know you want me. Come, take me and indulge your passions, let them give you strength." says Kalan.

I shake my head, "No, you'll just have to wait."

"Till I kill that little wench? I promise you, my most despised in all the universe that I will make her death slow, lingering and painful. Her death will make you hate me all the more. Her screams of agony shall be my gift to you."

I am now getting an insight as to why the Sith species is so rare.

"You really don't need to do that," I say, backing off.

Kalan licks her lips in response, "Oh but I want to, most hated and beloved."

As I retreat I notice she does not follow. Well, that was weird.

A little more wandering and I come across Tamman. She looks up, "Troubled Revan? Have faith, trust in the Force."

Okay, I may have a lot on my mind but I'm not thick. "Is that really you Tamman?"

'Tamman' smiles, "Does it truly matter? Here? Be assured that I am as real as she who regularly wears this form."

"I'm going to give that a no."

"What is real Revan? A chance confluence of crude matter? Think of me as the woman you know, just unbound and released from the confines of time."

"Unbound? Well, how about like, some hints? Both to the immediate problem and beyond." I say.

Tamman smiles, "Now love, you, of all people should know it doesn't work like that. Just let it be known that you do find a solution, it is possible."

"That is comforting, thanks Tamman," I say.

She walks up and gently kisses me, "One more thing. I forgive you. For everything." she says as she fades away.

It's possible. There is a way out. Now, I just need to find it.

Of course, step one to finding a solution is to get a good night's sleep. So that's what I do. Then I wake up some hours later and once fresh set to finding a solution to my current dilemma. Which has to include my staying single and no pile of bodies. This means making a run for it and challenging my potential father in law are out. Any escape would result in our blasting our way out and people dying as does killing the King in a duel. Asides from his death the eventual succession crisis would leave a large pile of bodies. Still, I know it's possible since from one point of view I have already done it. Which means putting my formidable skills to use. I leave the guest quarters and ask to see their archives. Don't mess with me, I'm a historian!

Not only any historian, one guided by a mystic energy field that does not want me stuck on this planet or hitched to Aura 2.0, now with extra crazy. So it is with some confidence that I hit the books. Readers, holos, whatever. Most of the morning is taken up with confirming what I already knew. Lunatic Chaotic Evil culture is, you guessed right, lunatic Chaotic Evil. Everything is a twisted parody of normal society and it isn't as if typical monarchies are paragons of virtue to begin with. Exhibit A, duels. Who can duel whom, when, why and how. Oh, they dress it all up in their weird darkside code of chivalry, but it's just a cover for the rulers get to stay in charge and you underlings have no actual recourse.

Near the middle of what passes for the day here, I return for lunch and to see how everyone else is doing.

"Statement. Well done mistress. You are learning quickly. I do hope you survive since you could cause much mayhem." I hear HK before I see them.

"I agree. This tactic will play to your strength. Besides a duel is often decided right away." comes Manx.

As I enter I see Alana, HK and Manx all sparring. The others are mostly watching. I quickly get something to eat and sit down beside Atton.

"Your pretty secretary shows promise, but she's going to die," he observes.

"So sure. HK seems to think otherwise. It's not something he would lie about."

"The droid? What does it really know?"

"You may be right. So, in the interest of avoiding mayhem, how about coming with me after lunch? There are some files the Sith have locked away that may help us."

Atton perks up at that. "Locked files? Encrypted too?" he says with interest.

"Foolproof system if I'm any judge."

"Proof against fools maybe. C'mon Jedi, show me these files you want to examine so badly."

So that's how I get my latest asset into the archives and fiddling with some encryption locks that the local rulers do not want anyone to see. True to form the defences are proof to maybe fools but not one of the cleverest slicers currently at large in the Galaxy. A few minutes of slicing and swearing and one 'Pure Pazaak' later and I'm reading some very interesting documents. Exceedingly interesting. A quick read, just to get everything straight and I go to bed a happy man.

The next day I gather everyone and we troop off to the court. The King looks up at us.

"Yes?" he says.

"I have come to thank you for your hospitality, but we really must be going so goodbye," I say and turn about.

"Wait, you must stay to marry Kalan," he says. As he does so the guards move a bit.

"Must? No, I, Revan must do many things. but marry Kalan is not one of them," I say over my shoulder.

"Our traditions demand..." begins the King.

"That should I rescue the Princess then, for reasons we won't get into here I must marry her, should I be of a compatible species, which I admit I am, but that is not the point. Because Kalan is not a Princess. or at least, not a Sith one." I say.

"Don't be absurd. Kalan is my daughter." says the King.

"And you were crowned by the Nicht Coronal? It now sits on your head to indicate your status as the rightful Sith monarch? Or is it perhaps being cleaned?" I say..

"Nonsense! The Nicht Coronalis lost, yes. But..."

"That is what makes you truly King. As it is you are a provisional ruler only. A king-elect if you will. And no one is legally obliged to marry the daughter of such. Sorry, Kalan, you're sweet but just not my type. Goodbye and enjoy your life." I say with a bow.

"Not so fast. Guards. Sieze this Jedi." yells the King.

Several lightsabres activate and blasters are drawn by my band. I draw and activate my lightsabre. As I pour my will into it the glow intensifies, drowning out the dull red blades several of the court have pulled in response.

"Really? Do you wish to bring this to violence? While I admit the Nicht Ta gives you strength, you Sith are a dying breed. The Galaxy has left you behind in little outposts you pretend are still great kingdoms. Don't press your luck and become extinct."

No one lowers their weapons but they don't exactly block our exit either. It's a rather tense walk back to the Starport and our ship. We make it with only one small hiccup. As I am covering everyone getting aboard Kalan runs up, dressed in travel clothes with a lightsabre and carrybag.

"Take me with you," she asks.

"Were you paying attention? I said no, thank you. You're free Kalan." I say.

"And I am exercising that freedom. I wish to travel with you. learn from you." she says.

I look into the Princess's eyes. She is being sincere.

"Okay, but there are some rules. No more torture threats, attempts to seduce or marry me and no fighting with the others aboard."

Kalan's eyes flash, then she nods, "Very well, I agree to those terms."

"Okay, welcome aboard. Pick a bunk, just not stateroom one or three." I say indicating the one I am in as well as Alana's.

Kalan gives me the first warm smile ever and runs up the ramp. I follow. Soon after the ship ascends on AG and we are soon again on our way. Ha, take that crazy universe. Problem solved and no one is dead.

"Revan!" comes Surik's exclamation on learning of our new fellow traveller.

I smile. All back to normal. For given values of normal.