The whole afternoon, Edward did not return. Bella wanted to worry that he was going to suddenly run away but Alice had assured her that he wasn't going anywhere. She had been keeping an eye on his decisions, the moment that he left and nothing has changed.
It was already twilight and Bella wanted to go out in the porch to enjoy the night breeze but the coldness and her human body was keeping her inside so she made do by leaning behind the large windowsill facing the porch with a warm mug in hand while looking out into the growing darkness.
Now that everyone already knows who she is, it was hard not to get compared with 'their' Bella although there was nothing negative about it. They just noticed how outspoken and how she carried herself much confidently compared to the timid and shy Bella that they knew.
She had to remind them that during this point in her life, that was exactly how she was and that has always been a trait of 'Isabella Swan' but after becoming a vampire, marrying a vampire and becoming a vampire 'bodyguard', all in that order, she was bound to shed all that shyness and insecurities away. Not to mention, their age difference. If this Bella would remain human in the next few years; they'll eventually be able to see her grow to be the woman that she is now.
She took a sip of her coffee and savored the bitter taste in her mouth when Rosalie went to stand beside her with her back to the window and leaned into it.
Bella kept her eye on the view outside but she was well aware of the vampire beside her.
"What's it like?" Rosalie finally spoke, not willing to face Bella.
Rosalie did not have to elaborate because Bella knew exactly what she was asking about.
"To be human again?"
The vampire gave a slight nod.
"It's a weird feeling... just when I was already getting used to the vampire life, I get thrown back to a human body...
When I felt my heart beating again after a long time, I didn't realize how much I missed the feeling of being truly alive... in the most literal sense"
"It's been so long... I don't remember what it feels to be human anymore." Rosalie sighed.
Bella finally turned to look at her and she could see the wistfulness in the vampire's features. Among the family, Rosalie was the one that craved humanity the most but it was Bella instead who was able to get the opportunity.
There was nothing she could do about the situation except to share her experience about the chance she was given to be human again.
"It was awkward at first. I got used to not having to worry about my bodily functions that it would come as a surprise when I would suddenly feel the need to go to the bathroom, or get hungry, or needing to drink, or to sleep! That's the thing that I miss the most" Bella closed her eyes and hummed in contentment while she took another drink.
"There's that sense of relief you know? Of being able to finally close your eyes and forget all your worries for the day and just... sleep and dream..."
"Do you regret it, then? Losing all of those? Becoming one of us?" Rosalie looked her in the eye.
"Never" She answered without skipping a beat.
"I'm thankful for the opportunity to experience my humanity all over again. I know this is literally a one-shot, one-time experience but that's it. Once all of this is over, I'm going back to my future, my body, my family, my mate and I would continue to live the rest of my existence, the best way I can." She said in a determined voice.
"What if it's a one-way trip?"
Bella opened her mouth to respond but she stopped. She wanted to tell Rosalie that no, she was going to return home but if she was being honest with herself, she didn't know what would become of her in this world. She didn't even know if there was indeed a way back.
The idea of trying to look for Caleb was purely out of desperation and chance because that was the only link that she has to her future. She didn't know if Caleb would even be here, or if they'll be able to find him and much more, if he even has the ability to undo what his future self has done. What if his powers were only able to bring someone backwards but never forward?
No... she took a deep breath to calm herself. She was not going to give up. She had her whole future waiting for her, not to mention her mate. He was not going to lose her and she will do everything in her power to get back to him no matter what.
Rosalie, seeing her internal struggle, looked down. "Sorry"
"It's okay. There was always that possibility and if that happens, two worlds will be losing a Bella Swan, my world and this world and even though I am literally alive and a living and breathing Bella Swan, I will always be that person who stole her body."
"It's not like you asked for it" Rosalie, surprisingly defended her.
"True but I will never be your Bella Swan. I don't want to take over her life. I will never love Edward the way that she loves him and I will constantly be in pain seeing the face of my mate and knowing that he will never be mine in this world. Unless this Bella will find a way to kick me out of her body or I find a way out myself, I refuse to think that there's no way back... I have to find one... for my own sake..."
"You're okay to going back to being a cold, marble object craving for blood then?" Bella cringed at Rosalie's description to their vampirism.
"It's not about if I'm okay with it... That's what I am already, to begin with. As much as I am grateful of having an opportunity to experience becoming human again, I have a future waiting for me and I will never trade it for anything else... not even a chance for humanity in the past, whether it's my own past or not" Bella responded with conviction.
"I would." Rosalie said in a whisper. The sad part was, Bella believed her. After everything that she went through, Rosalie was the one person that she knew that deserves a do over, a chance of living her humanity again. But that would mean, sacrificing the one thing that Rosalie did not ever regret as a vampire, her mate.
Bella turned around and all the other inhabitants in the house were preoccupied, some of them where somewhere in a different part of the house but she knew all of them were listening. It was hard not to when all of them had vampire hearing. Bella saw Emmett in the couch. He was busy flipping the channels in the remote earlier but his hands were still now, expression unreadable and she knew that he was trying to hide the hurt in his face for Rosalie's sake.
Emmett finally stood up, excused himself and disappeared towards the back door.
Rosalie unconsciously reached out for him but placed her hand back down when he left, knowing that she was the one that caused him pain.
"He understands, you know..." Bella told her and Rosalie nodded.
"He always has. I just wish that I won't have to give up that one good thing in my life"
Bella sighed. She had wanted to tell Rosalie that she should not want to be stuck in the past when she has her future with her in Emmett but their stories were different. She can't compare her choices with Rosalie and she can't fault her for wanting to go back if she was given the opportunity.
In her timeline, Rosalie had resented her for choosing to give up humanity and Bella had confronted her about it. Just like what Edward was trying to do with the present Bella, Rosalie was trying to push her ideals on her, her desire for humanity, to grow old, to live a normal life... that was Rosalie, not Bella.
Bella does value her humanity and she was devastated to have to give it up but she was willing to make that sacrifice for her happiness and maybe if Rosalie was given that opportunity, she would choose it as well, for Emmett... but her life was brutally taken away from her so Bella understood why she was against her decision so much.
Even though Rosalie did not really have a final say to Bella's decision, she did eventually accept her decision to be one of them and since she has been in the family for a long time now, that was already a thing in the past.
Now, this Rosalie is being given a glimpse of the possibility with Bella here in her former human self and their roles were now reversed.
It was Bella that was not given the choice and for Rosalie, if she would be presented the opportunity, everyone knew what she will choose.
"Why give it up?" Bella suddenly asked.
"I mean... all of these are just hypothetical but what if you did find a way to be human? Let's say, we did find Caleb and he would be able to bring you back to the past, to your human self, don't you want him to be with you there?"
"Of course I would but... Emmett... he's made for this life... I can't take that away from him" Rosalie sighed.
"You're his life remember? Wherever you go, that's where he'll be and if it means having to go back to being human just to be with you then I'm pretty sure that he's going to love it either way. And besides, you know Emmett is always up for the challenge... what's more challenging than navigating the past in a human body?"
Rosalie looked at Bella in surprise. She couldn't believe that Bella was actually encouraging her desire to be human. Then again, all of these were just wishful thinking but Rosalie was grateful that Bella was not trying to talk her out of her own desire.
She stood up straight. "I'm going to go look for Emmett... and talk to him..."
Bella nodded. "You go do that." She encouraged. Rosalie took two steps forward before she stopped and turned around.
"Thank you" she told her sincerely and before Bella could reply, she was already out of the door, leaving Bella to ponder on what they just have discussed. Could Rosalie have that chance? She wondered then about Caleb's powers. If he was able to bring her here, how many others has he transported to a different time or a different reality? How many were able to go back? How many have stayed?
"You've given her hope" Jasper's smooth voice broke her train of thoughts and her heart rate immediately sped up at the sound of his voice and she didn't dare look at him as she slowly tried to keep her emotions in check.
Jasper took Rosalie's place beside Bella and stood opposite her while looking out into the growing darkness outside.
"I wish I could have given her more than just hope knowing that all of those things may or may not be possible"
"Still, before you...arrived, nobody ever entertained the thought that time travelling was even possible but here you are. Even if there's just a very slim chance that it would be possible, Rosalie will take that"
Bella allowed herself to glance at the man beside her. He was smiling warmly at her and Bella could not help the butterflies that was building in her stomach. She gave herself a few seconds to get lost in his butterscotch eyes before her brain reminded her to where she was and who she was looking at.
A part of her was constantly automatically searching for her mate in the present Jasper but she knew that she was not going to find what she was looking for, no matter how hard she looks. It was torture but she still let herself feel it anyway.
Bella turned away and took deep steady breaths to calm herself down. She's been doing that a lot lately now every time he was around. It was her own way of keeping her head together.
Jasper turned his head slightly towards her with his brows furrowed.
"You're good at controlling your emotions" he observed.
"When you're married to an empath, you learn a trick or two" she blurted out immediately and she had to keep Jasper from seeing the blush on her cheeks even when she knew it did not make a difference when the vampire could smell her blood.
"I still can't wrap my mind about that... I've always thought... I mean... having Alice..." Jasper was having a hard time trying to form the words, afraid of offending the human in front of him or hurting her with his words but Bella merely nodded.
"I know what you mean. That's what I've always thought too but here we are. I can't even say that we've got the wrong mate because looking at you and Alice, you're as much as a match for each other here as I am with the Jasper in my reality."
They were silent for a few minutes and Bella used that time to finish her coffee and settle it down on the table beside her. Jasper finally spoke.
"We never really got the chance to get to know each other. Well, the Bella in this world, that is."
"Yeah, you two would have gotten along pretty well and I'm not talking about in a romantic sense, of course." She added the last part.
Jasper smirked "I'm pretty sure we will. You're both quite something, you know"
Bella smiled.
"I hope that it won't be too late to know Bella better then, I know Alice would be thrilled if I didn't have to keep distancing myself whenever they would be hanging out"
"I blame Edward and his overprotectiveness for that" she told him and Jasper turned away from her, choosing to stare at the view outside the window instead.
"He had the right to be worried. You know my history… and my struggle with the diet. Look what happened on her birthday… you know about that, don't you?"
"Yes, I do… this Bella's memories are still fresh on my mind and we both have a knack of ingraining those painful moments of our lives into our memories so probably when I return, I would still remember what she experienced."
Jasper groaned. "I haven't been able to personally apologize to her for what I did… I'm the reason why Bella and Edward are suffering right now. I should have been much stronger…"
"No! Never blame yourself for what happened!" Bella said indignantly.
"You're not the one who chose to leave. You just became the excuse for Edward to run away" She pointed out.
"Besides..." She added. "That was an accident. You can't avoid what's in your nature"
"The thing is, it could have been avoided if I was stronger"
"You are stronger. Every single day, you expose yourself to the human world and every day, you are able to keep yourself from losing control. I know that you struggle more than the rest but you should give yourself a break.
You're an empath remember? You can feel everyone's emotions including a vampire's bloodlust. Having a house full of vampires when Bella bled and us being Edward's singer, it's bound to overwhelm an empath like you."
Jasper blinked and looked at her in surprise. "I haven't thought of it that way."
"Probably because you're dwelling on your weakness. I know I would sound bias because a version of you is my mate, but the truth is, you're not weak Jasper, you were just unprepared and was caught off guard with her blood." He was deep in thought so Bella continued.
"That's why I blame Edward's overprotectiveness. Instead of keeping you away from Bella, he should have taken the same precaution of allowing everyone, especially you, to get used to her scent, that's what my mate did"
Jasper frowned. "So... you're saying that if we didn't stay away, we could have avoided that accident?"
Bella nodded. "Think about it, you have been dealing with newborns most of your vampire life and you're exposed to their bloodlust more than anyone else here but have you gone into a frenzy whenever food is brought to them?" He was surprised at how casually Bella just talked about that ugly part of his life that he merely shook his head in response.
"I'm surprised myself that a small papercut caused you to lash out because in my world, you've been tending to my wound every time my clumsiness would get the better of me. Even when the family was around, most especially Edward. The worst thing that all of you did was walk out on me when the blood was too much and even then, when I would get a cut when the family was around, nobody has ever tried attacking me because they've lost control"
"I never thought that could even be possible..."
"You underestimate yourself too much. If it matters, Bella forgives you even if she thinks that it's not really your fault. Since she's not available at the moment, I'm the one telling you in her behalf"
A small smile finally formed in Jaspers lips. "It does matter. Thank you"
Jasper studied her for a moment and Bella had to keep herself from melting from his gaze.
"Aren't you bothered? About my past, I mean." Jasper finally asked. "You mentioned that, how we came to be with the family was still the same so in your reality, I'm still that soldier from the Southern wars. You said so yourself, I had a much darker past than Edward."
Bella shook his head.
"When you… I mean… the other Jasper finally opened up about his past, I have never felt more closer to… him than I have ever been. Knowing that he was willing to share the scariest and ugliest side of his life doesn't make me bothered at all. In fact, it made me love him even more.
I guess that's the thing with loving someone irrevocably… you accept them for who they are regardless of their past because that's what made them who they are. It doesn't matter anymore what they've done in the past because what matters is that they chose you to be their future. And I am truly honored that it was me who gets to see the true Jasper, scars and all that"
When she spoke, she couldn't help but feel the love, joy, and pride for her mate and at the same time the longing of not having him by her side even if she was technically talking to another version of her mate. She felt that a part of her was missing yet she knew deep inside that it was just there within her reach but no matter how much she tried, she could never get a hold of it.
It was like being trapped in an unbreakable glass wall where she can see her salvation on the other side. She can see him, hear him and feel him yet the wall was keeping her from him and there was nothing that she could do about it.
She clutched her heart in one hand, trying to keep the pain that was slowly building up from overwhelming her. It was starting to feel like the same pain that the present Bella felt when Edward left but this time, it was her own. She only realized that it was just there inside her, waiting for it to grow the longer she stayed in this world.
Jasper felt all the changes in her emotions and he winced. His hand went out for her but he stopped himself, not sure if having the image of her mate, comforting her might actually make it worst so he lowered his hand instead.
"I'm sorry… for making this harder for you. Do you want me to…" Jasper tentatively asked and he sent a tiny wave of calmness her way for just a few seconds, wanting to see if she would accept it or not and when she nodded, he finally enveloped her with his gift and her body visibly relaxed.
After a few minutes, when she was finally in control of her emotions, he slowly eased away his influence.
She looked at him with gratitude but there was sadness there that Bella could not hide because unlike this Jasper that was able to use his gift on her, her Jasper didn't need to do that.
She hugged herself and sighed deeply. "I'm trying really hard to keep it together but I don't know how long I could hold on. I don't want to be like this Bella. I'm afraid of what I'll feel if I can't find my way home and what scares me the most is… I'm afraid of what it'll do to him if I don't come back…" She whispered the last part.
That has been the one thing that she had been trying to avoid thinking, what would happen to her mate. It wasn't just her who would be suffering if she would not be able to return to her own time, her mate would be suffering with her and the worst part was, he doesn't have an inkling to what had happened to her.
"We're going to get you home" Jasper suddenly declared and her head snapped up to look at him. There was a determined look on his face.
"I have felt Edward and Bella's pain and I can feel yours as well. I wouldn't wish that to anyone including myself and whatever version of me there is out there. We will get you home and you will be with your mate"
At that moment, Bella allowed the tears that she has been trying to keep, to fall.
A/N: A short chapter before the week ends... :) enjoy