Part Two
The party lasts until after daybreak and he has never felt as old or tired or burnt out as he does when Kosta and Albi finally suggest they head out of the restaurant that resembles a war zone. Most of the tables are flipped or broken or both, the chairs destroyed, the vast majority of the alcohol gone along with all the food, and Elliot himself has smashed so fucking many bottles that the sound of breaking glass still echoes in his head an hour after the last was shattered and the party spilled down the street and into several other restaurants and he knows it's going to be all over the news and he's going to have to admit he was involved, but he sure as hell isn't going to admit to Bell that he fucking started the damn riot because he was pissed off over a run-in with Olivia because Bell has already made it clear that she doesn't think his relationship with Olivia is particularly healthy for either of them and she's absolutely right and she doesn't even know the half of it.
Kosta is distracted by his phone, but Albi is nodding approvingly, clapping an arm around Eddie's shoulders in an entirely too familiar way and promising him that he has made a real friend out of Kosta tonight and that Albi has some work for him today and Reggie has been working so hard that maybe Reggie needs another day off. Elliot swallows hard against the bile that rises up in his throat. Maybe it's happening now, completely planned and not unexpected, and he's absolutely terrified that one of today's jobs that a sixty-year-old man will be expected to complete without one fucking minute of sleep will be to kill Reggie and he can't think because he's still drunk because there's no way to stay at an out of control party for fourteen hours without getting a little drunk and he has to get to work today to touch base with his team and have five fucking minutes that don't involve anyone calling him Eddie or Ashes or anything of the sort and he wants to spend one of those minutes holding his phone in his hand and thinking about calling Olivia and seeing if she's ok and if she's feeling better and begging for her forgiveness because he knows she was very much not ok and it was somehow his fault and he has no idea what happened after she disappeared from the restaurant.
Albi presses a paper into his hand with several addresses on it and tells him that he'll understand if things end badly for one of the addresses that he points to with a shrug.
Elliot shoves back the sick feeling. "Do you want something bad to happen?" He doesn't know how he's going to avoid an order to kill someone without getting caught.
Albi shrugs again. "It doesn't have to happen, but sometimes bad things happen to unreasonable people, you know how it is."
The SUV stops half a mile from the gym, the stares telling Elliot that Eddie is not yet invited to whatever is happening next and while he and another thug whose name he doesn't know obediently climb out of the truck, Elliot is glad for it, but bitches to the other guy about how they could have at least dropped him near a train station. He realizes quickly that he doesn't need to worry about the other guy because the man slumps against the brick facade of a building and passes out without another word. Rather than bemoaning the lack of sleep, Elliot is thankful he has some time to himself and doesn't have to fucking pretend for a few minutes.
He sends a message to Jet, letting her know he's available to come in, knowing it's very early and it's unlikely that any of his team is at the office yet and although he's tempted to go there and pass out at his desk for a few hours of relative peace, he knows better than to risk the safety of everyone for a selfish reason. He walks for a while instead, trying to burn off the alcohol and the nervous energy and to get a little bit out of the neighborhood because even though Kosta considers all of New York his neighborhood, Elliot knows that's not quite the case.
He ducks into a coffee shop, orders something with a hell of a lot of caffeine and even more sugar because he needs to stay the fuck awake while he waits for a response from Jet. His mind threatens to turn to Olivia, but he can't let it because if he starts thinking about how she looked and how scared she was and what fucking level of horror she must have experienced to have that sort of reaction to a fucking martini then his fucking head will explode and his heart will break and he'll start sobbing inconsolably because no one can ever make him feel better besides Liv and she's obviously not in a position to help him at the moment. As it is, his heart starts to pound and his chest constricts and his vision blurs and the only thing he can see is her tears spilling over just before she fled.
He concentrates on the feel of the table edge where he's gripping it, trying to breathe, but he can't feel the table, he can only feel the heat of her thigh and her soft skin under his hand and her fingers around his wrist not encouraging him but not discouraging him either and he tells himself he has to knock it the fuck off and hold himself together because Olivia fucking needs him to be ok right now because she isn't and then he's able to pull in a couple deep breaths and he recognizes the sound of his phone beeping and then the sounds of a barista repeating an order and a cappuccino machine whirring and in a few minutes he's calm again and staring at the drink in front of him and thinking sugar and caffeine are probably a very bad idea for him at the moment, but chugging down half of it in one sip anyway just so he can concentrate on the burning liquid as it settles in his belly.
He's finally calm enough to register that he'd heard his phone and he knows before he looks that it's Jet because there are only a handful of people with his number and he had just texted her a few minutes before his little episode.
Her text is exactly what he expects from her and he smiles, able to hear the words in her voice as though she is standing in front of him. You know most people are sleeping at this hour, right?
He replies back, knowing she wasn't asleep because Jet is exactly not most people. Do hackers sleep?
She ignores his answer, instead sending him a series of new protocols, most of which he's sure are just designed to make him look stupid because he doesn't know enough about the internet to know what's legitimate and what's just amusing for her to watch. But he follows the instructions, mainly because it's not worth arguing, and partially because he's hoping that his compliance will become boring and she'll stop being amused by making him run through a verbal obstacle course repeatedly.
By the time he's finally inside, it's no longer all that early. Bell is in her office, Jet is staring at her computer screens with an expression that is halfway between horror and amusement, and a handful of others are milling around. He knows he should start with Bell, bring her up to speed, give her the good news that he's no longer an add-on replacement for jobs, maybe earn himself some brownie points before she gets wind of the idea that the riotous looting that's being reported on the morning news broadcast across the office from the enormous screen had started with him and his temper and he definitely should do something to defuse it before his boss catches on to the fact that the only reason his temper got the best of him was because Olivia was involved.
He knows the right answer. He considers it for maybe half a second before he approaches Jet instead. She's handing him his phone, his real phone, before he can even ask, and for a moment he realizes that he really likes working with this girl because as much as she claims to not understand people, she's pretty fucking good at reading them.
He mumbles a thanks and enters his password. He can only check the phone maybe twice a week, so he's used to a lot of messages and emails and as he sees the number of notifications that keeps growing as it wakes up, he tries to think back to how long it has been this time because it seems like far too many messages.
He's distracted for a moment by the whistle Jet lets out and he looks up to see her screens are looped into CC footage of a restaurant and it only takes a second for him to recognize the bird's eye view of himself in the bar, his hand exactly where he remembers it being, the visual of Olivia's leg wrapped around his about to give him a heart attack.
"Is that Captain Benson?" And then Jet's awkwardness is on full display as her eyes dart over to him and her head lowers and her shoulders roll forward. "So I'm just going to delete this, I think, before-" She trails off as the footage continues, Eddie shoving behind the bar and making a scene and Olivia eating it up with a grin that Elliot hadn't seen because his back had been turned to her and he sees the way she didn't even notice the creeps crowding in on her because she was watching him, expecting him to keep her safe and then there's the moment he remembers too clearly when the drink appears in front of her.
Jet is saying something, but his attention is drawn to his phone, a new missed call from Fin, the man who only rarely calls him and barely tolerates him because Fin had to be there to pick up the pieces when Elliot shattered Olivia's psyche with a fucking hammer.
He goes to call him back and sees that he has almost twenty voicemails and that's about fifteen more than he usually has because people don't bother trying to reach him anymore because he's now got a solid reputation for ghosting the fuck out of everyone.
When he sees ten missed calls from Fin in the past few hours, he knows it's even worse than he thought. He doesn't bother listening to the messages, his thumb hovering over Fin's name in hesitation because he's not sure he really wants to know even though he knows he needs to and he's scared and his heart is still racing from watching himself feeling up Olivia and now he's panicking and he can't breathe and all of sudden, the phone is snatched out of his hand.
"Jesus Christ, Stabler, what were you thinking?" Bell is in front of him with her hands on her hips and his phone in her hand and he can't even speak because something is wrong with Olivia and maybe it's the same thing that he did to her last night and maybe it's something else entirely but Fin is calling him again and Elliot can see the damn name on the screen and he wants to grab the phone and answer it because he needs to know what's wrong with Liv but he can't move and he can't breathe and he can't possibly hear that something has happened to her over the phone.
Bell is still talking, but Elliot can't hear a fucking word of it, and eventually she notices his attention is on the phone and not her and then his phone is at her ear, her irritated voice telling Fin that Elliot will call him back when he can. Elliot can't make out the words, Fin's voice is too soft, he's always so damn calm and in control and Elliot envies that about the man, but then Bell's angry glare at Elliot softens a bit and he can read the concern before she promises she'll pass along the message and disconnects the phone.
Elliot tries to grab for the phone, but he's too obvious and he still can't breathe so there's nothing he can do when his boss tucks his phone away in her pocket.
"When's the last time you saw Captain Benson?"
The question seems simple enough, but Elliot knows it's not because there are so many reasons to ask it, none of which are good for Elliot. Jet pipes up, likely not to be helpful, but just because there are now two people crowding around her desk and Elliot is way too close because he'd been looking at her computer and now she probably wants both of them to go away. "He saw her last night."
Bell closes her eyes and takes a breath and Elliot can almost hear her counting to ten in that way mothers do when they're trying not to scream. "What reason did you have for breaking cover, Stabler? Do I have to keep reminding you of how much work went into this operation? How many man hours we have invested in it? Why can't you fucking keep it in your pants for a couple god damned months? You stayed away from her for ten years and now you can't control yourself?"
This time he hears the words and he feels every fucking one of them cutting him. Because he knows they're true. He spent ten years working off the reputation he'd earned after so many years of being unable to control his emotions at Olivia's side. No, he'd never crossed the line with her physically and he never actually told her how he felt emotionally, but it all came out anyway, fits of anger and rage and frustration at himself and his wife and his partner and his fucking life choices that resulted in broken plaster and bent lockers and the sting of alcohol swabs on bleeding knuckles.
And, like always, it isn't his own career or reputation he worries about as he forces out words while he still can't take a fucking breath for how tight his heart is clenching in his chest. "It wasn't like that."
"What the fuck was it like then?" She waits for an answer that isn't coming and Elliot can see the irritation all over her face. "Captain Benson never picked her son up from the babysitter last night and didn't show up for work this morning. So what happened?"
He feels himself falling, stumbling backwards, his legs like jelly and out of his control, his body moving without his intent or permission. He is aware of both women grabbing hold of his arms, but it makes no difference when he hits the wall, their attempts to catch him falling flat when he collapses to the floor. He hears voices, assumes they are talking to him or about him, but he can't understand them. He can't understand anything.
He just hears Bell's words repeating in his head, that Olivia never made it home. He'd known she was in trouble and he'd let her leave, he'd thought he was protecting her, distracting the fucking Albanians so she could slip away. But really, he'd been protecting the fucking case, protecting himself, doing his damn job while Olivia was scared and hurting and in danger and he should have fucking blown the whole damn thing and gone after her and protected her for real instead of leaving her alone again to take care of herself again.
It's probably a combination of stress and fear and adrenaline and booze and caffeine and lack of sleep, but reality fades away. The world takes on a soft, fuzzy gray hue and there's a strange buzzing in his ears and he can hear himself breathing. He looks around, confused as to where he is and what he's meant to be doing and who the young woman is who keeps glancing over her shoulder at him.
Finally she nods in his direction, calling the attention of the woman with whom she's been talking. "Is he ok? Should we call someone?"
The other woman glances at him, her stare heavy and almost guilty, perhaps realizing that her words of blame were far more damaging than she'd expected. "I'm pretty sure the only person who can actually help him is Captain Benson."
The women turn back to the monitors, seemingly fascinated by whatever they're watching and all Elliot can think about is Olivia. She needs him and she's hurt and he's responsible and he has to help her and he doesn't know how he's going to do that because he can't even coordinate his legs enough to get them underneath himself.
He has no idea how much time has passed before Bell, at least he remembers her name now, is squatting down in front of him. She no longer looks pissed off and he knows it's because her out of control asshole of a detective flat out had a mental breakdown over the news she just gave him. "Elliot, we're going to find her, ok?" She waits for a response, which is probably not him searching her face desperately for a sign of hope. "I saw the video from last night, it doesn't look like there was anything you could have done."
He just stares, knowing she's wrong, knowing there was something he could have done, knowing his actions sent Olivia running. If he'd only been able to keep his fucking eyes off of her, she'd be safe.
Bell grabs his shoulder and shakes, bringing his eyes back to hers. "Do you know who she was with at dinner? Any chance he's involved?"
Elliot shakes his head. Langan might be a prick, but he didn't hurt Olivia. It takes a minute for Elliot to realize Bell had asked two questions and he needs to answer both. He swallows hard and croaks past the lump in his throat. "Trevor Langan. He's not involved."
"You're sure? Exes can get nuts."
Elliot wonders if she's talking about him. He shakes his head again. "No, she's known him for decades." And then he finds himself exactly where she was the night before. "They're friends."
Bell purses her lips while she tries to think about the situation. "We've got video in the bar, but no sound. What happened? Everything seemed ok and then-"
Elliot shrugs. He really doesn't know. He's been gone from Olivia's life for ten fucking years, during which she'd suffered some sort of horrible trauma and now it's all coming back up and she's in trouble again and he knows she doesn't trust him enough to tell him about the former experience and she's certainly not going to confide in him about the latter because she hasn't confided one single thing in him since he's come back and he can't blame her for not trusting him because everything he does just seems to hurt her more.
He knows it's not enough of an answer and so he tries to elaborate with more words that spell out the same thing. "I didn't expect to see her there and they saw me looking at her-"
Jet mutters under her breath, something about who wouldn't in that dress and Elliot ignores it because he can't get distracted thinking about how fucking beautiful she looked before the whole fucking night had gone to hell.
"Kosta sent me over to talk to her." He can see from Bell's expression that she's curious about this and he takes a deep breath before he launches into the explanation about the girls and the drugs and how he's apparently made a name for himself in turning down all the offers they've made and how they were all very curious about his interest in Olivia.
He goes through the rest, leaving out as much as he dares, they don't need to hear about how he touched her and how she let him because they can fucking see that much and he doesn't see how any of that is relevant in the long run anyway and instead focuses on the part he does know which is that she was fine and then she wasn't and he has no idea what happened besides something about the drink triggered her and he hadn't had any idea that she had PTSD and so hadn't even realized there would be triggers to worry about.
Bell is silent for a long time when he's done talking and Elliot knows it's because he's given her less than nothing to go on. "So something might be going on with her, with another case, with her personal life, that we know nothing about." She looks at him, waiting for him to dispute the facts, but he stays silent, cut to the quick by her words, hating that someone else has just pointed out how very separate Olivia is keeping herself from Elliot even while he's been thinking they're getting closer.
Instead of arguing, he only nods and it kills him to admit so much that is already obvious to everyone else.
"Um, I think I might be able to get something out of this, but it's going to be a while." Jet is glancing nervously at the pair, looking like she's not sure she wants to draw attention to herself. "I found some footage from some other cameras."
Elliot wants to thank her for hacking into the security systems of every building anywhere around the restaurant, but he reminds himself that she doesn't like attention and she probably enjoyed it enough that it wasn't really much work. Instead he tries to get himself together enough to pull himself to his feet and it's so much of a struggle that he can't speak as well and instead he looks across the multiple monitors where Jet has pulled up a video of the chaos that was posted to Facebook featuring Eddie tossing bottles in the air while a puddle of alcohol burns on the bar top in front of him with a caption about the best bartender ever and another screen with grainy black and white footage that even Elliot couldn't positively ID as Olivia walking down the street but then his eyes find another picture, the one Jet was talking about, an even more grainy picture of a group of people, maybe three, maybe four, that might be about to duck into a truck. There is exactly nothing about the picture that would have caught Elliot's attention and so he looks at Jet for information.
"This is only about half a block from here." Jet motions at the middle picture that Elliot acknowledges could possibly be Liv and then at the last one. "Half a block isn't a lot of time to make so many friends."
He stares at the picture, trying to will the fuzzy, disconnected dots into something he can recognize, but he can't. Bell is in front of him again, her hand falling lightly on his arm.
"Look, Elliot, I know you're worried about her, we all are, but we have to do our jobs here. Jet will work on cleaning up that picture and finding anything else out there. There were a lot of people involved last night, so there are probably a lot of pictures and videos that are going to start appearing on social media. I'm going to touch base with SVU and help them look at anything they've got going on right now. You have to get back to work. Don't make them nervous. You were gunning for Employee of the Month last night, you can't just disappear."
He scoffs, wanting to blow up and refute everything she's saying, but he doesn't have the energy. He can't imagine going back to work as Eddie and pretending to enjoy terrifying people while someone is terrifying Olivia. He finds he can't even form words and he knows it's probably exhaustion and the waning adrenaline rush, but it's not like he's going to go take a nap either. Eventually he finds himself nodding without even realizing it.
Bell nods back. "We'll find her. And I promise, I will get in touch with you as soon as we know anything, ok? I'll send you an all clear text, you'll know almost as soon as I do."
Again, he doesn't know what he's doing when he nods in response. Maybe he's too tired. Maybe he's too broken. Maybe there's just nothing left to fight for without Olivia.
He leaves the building feeling considerably worse than the shitty way he'd felt when he went in. He thinks about how he'd been tired and grumpy and worried about Olivia and hoping to be able to call her and feel a little better on his way out and instead he feels worse and there's nothing he can do but wait and he's never been the stand-back-and-let-someone-else-take-care-of-it sort.
He feels desperate and scared and he keeps imagining all sorts of things that Olivia could be experiencing and he feels dead inside as he meets up with the guys Albi has sent to help him. Elliot is lost in thoughts of Olivia being hurt and terrorized and all he wants to do is find her and comfort her and so Eddie takes over, Eddie who has nothing but anger and vengeance and the freedom Elliot never had to let it out without repercussions. He knows he's being more destructive than necessary, than ever, and he's scaring the shit out of these people who are trying to live their lives with the KO harassing them for their hard-earned money and still he doesn't stop, he keeps smashing and breaking and threatening and destroying because that's what Eddie does and it's all Elliot was ever good at anyway and no one besides Olivia ever really expected any more from him and she's not there to stop him.
The path of destruction takes longer than it should have because he's being so thoroughly rotten and the guys are all hyped up and want to go party and Elliot is barely walking and is exhausted and his hands are bleeding from all the things he's broken and burned. He's been cautious, he's resisted the urge to check as long as humanly possible, but he still checks his phone too many times for that promised message from Bell. He knows better, he knows that Olivia didn't just run away and abandon her son and her job, but he's still desperate for news that she's ok and he knows it's not reasonable to think things would move any faster if he was on the case, but he still resents that he's not involved and he can't be out looking for her or running down leads or combing through her files for a suspect.
And it really gets under his skin that he honestly wouldn't know where to start because she doesn't tell him anything and she never really did, but he was her partner and so he knew exactly what was going on with her even though she never confided in him.
It finally occurs to him that she doesn't trust him. Maybe she used to, maybe she didn't, but she doesn't now and he knows he's given her no reason to and that she's never been particularly eager to trust anyone anyway and it's starting to sink in that it might well take the rest of his life to earn her trust back and maybe longer.
Elliot is furious. At himself, at whoever took Olivia, at the world, at the circumstances, and even a little at her for not being ready to forgive him even though he knows it's irrational. And so by the end of the list of names Albi gave him, when he's got one more job to do before he can finally think of something besides crazy shit for Eddie to scream and threaten, Elliot is about out of patience and Eddie saved that one name Albi indicated for last and he's ready to fight before he even walks in. He takes the baseball bat out of the hands of the man who's brandishing it at him and proceeds to redecorate the small convenience store. He's horrified by his own actions, but the fury has to come out and he's getting too old to beat the crap out of everyone who pisses him off and he's got an audience who are not above joining in the destruction and so the store is in shambles when he's done and sadly, he doesn't feel one fucking bit better for having destroyed a man's life, for leaving this stranger sobbing in the middle of a disaster area that was once his dream.
He returns to the gym, itching to get in the ring and beat the shit out of someone no matter how ill-advised such a thing would be in his state of mind, or better yet, have someone beat the shit out of him so he can pass out and not think because there's just too much anxiety and fear and adrenaline pumping through his veins to allow him the rest he so desperately needs. But there's no one there looking to spar and so Elliot nods at Albi and hands over the duffle bag with the money he's stolen all day and shrugs when Albi looks at his bloody hands and asks about trouble. Albi nods with a proud smile like the whole reason Eddie is so helpful was all his idea and Elliot wants to shake his head and tell him they're all so dumb for believing the ruse.
Albi is still grinning like he knows something he's not sharing and Elliot is just past the point of caring and so asks, but is really afraid of the answer. "I was planning on heading out, unless you've got something else for me?"
With a shake of his head, Albi throws his arm around Eddie's shoulders and gives him an affectionate squeeze. "You did a good job last night." He shakes the duffle bag and chuckles as he slaps Eddie on the back. "And even better today. You deserve a night off. Go home."
Elliot is immediately suspicious because just that morning Albi had declared Reggie deserved a break, but he can't find any tells of a threat in Albi's expression. "Yeah? You sure?"
"We'll be in touch soon." Albi turns then, heading back into the office, leaving Elliot to stare around the quiet gym. There's still no one there to fight and he honestly is too tired for a workout and so with a heavy sigh, he heads toward his trailer, knowing full well it's not a good idea for him to be alone with his thoughts all night and knowing that he really has no other options.
He checks his phone so many times on his trip that eventually he stops slipping it into his back pocket, opting instead to keep it in his hand so he can keep staring at it as though that will make a message from Bell magically appear. He passes the convenience store where he usually buys a couple of beers on his way home, but he doesn't stop today. He has no interest in alcohol, knowing if he sleeps at all it will be sheer exhaustion and not restful. Most likely, he'll lose consciousness for a few minutes at a time, have a nightmare or a memory wake him, and wind up more tired and probably more upset in the morning, although right now he can't fathom such a concept as feeling worse than he already does.
There's something wrong, more than just the current situation, and he knows it as he approaches the alley where he's been living. He's having a shitty day, so even though the city has been notified not to touch the fucking trailer, he's sure if there's ever going to be a day when he goes "home" and finds his home has been towed away, it's going to be today. He tries to narrow down what's wrong as he gets closer, but it's eluding him until he makes the turn into the alley. It's too loud. There are too many voices and sounds and it's usually pretty fucking quiet in this particular armpit of New York City.
His hand reaches for the weapon in his waistband, drawing it carefully and quieting his steps. He is absolutely not in the mood for whatever is awaiting him and he wants to swear he's going to shoot whoever he finds but he's actually willing to shoot himself first at this point because he just wants a fucking break from bullshit so he can panic over Olivia's situation.
There are two trucks parked alongside his trailer and he can see the door to his current home has been jimmied open and he's able to recognize two of the guys leaning next to his broken door before he shoots anyone, but honestly, recognizing Kosta's guys is really not doing anything to dissuade him from wanting to shoot someone. There's no good reason for them to be here, not when he's done a damn good job functioning on a day where breathing takes extra work.
Kosta was pleased with him last he knew and Albi seemed to be as well, but he keeps his weapon drawn as he approaches, the fear building as he moves closer and Kosta steps from the front seat of one SUV. Maybe it's another job, but it's more likely he's been outed and he knows he's not a good enough shot to take out the three men who are standing and the untold numbers hiding in the vehicles in some sort of John Wick inspired shootout. He's studied this alley from every side and while he could run, he knows he's not faster than two trucks filled with guys half his age. If they've found him out, he's a dead man and he knows it.
His heart is suspiciously calm and steady as he fakes such confidence that apparently even his nervous system believes it because he has no fight or flight response. He doesn't want to die, but he's not exactly shocked that he's not going to make it to old age and he's already lived longer than he expected honestly and he briefly thinks about his kids and he knows they'll be alright and he wishes he had more time to watch Eli become a man, but the boy has already gotten more quality time with him than all of the others combined and he's probably going to be messed up losing both of his parents in violent circumstances less than a year apart, but he figures the other kids will step up and take care of him.
He swallows hard when he thinks about Olivia and how nothing will ever be resolved between them and he hates that things are going to end on such a sour note and he really wishes he hadn't left her the way he did a decade ago and he imagines getting shot and mutilated and burnt to a crisp is probably better than he deserves after he hurt her like that.
Kosta's men step away from Eddie's door, each climbing into the driver's seat of one of the trucks. Unsure of what else to do, Elliot keeps walking, trying to pretend like everything's ok in his mind while he's pretty sure he's about to be murdered and even if not, Olivia is missing and his whole fucking world is upside down and he takes heart in the idea that at least he won't have to pretend to be Ashes anymore because it's fucking exhausting.
He doesn't want to bother acknowledging Kosta, but out of some instinctive will to live, he nods at the prick who's responsible for so much of the current shitstorm of circumstances. His gun is still drawn and he thinks at least he'll be able to take Kosta with him since all the others are in the trucks.
Kosta smiles the sort of smile that makes Elliot want to take a shower. "You know, Eddie," he pauses and wrinkles his brow in thought. "Do you prefer Eddie or Ashes?"
Elliot prefers the bastard just shoot him and get it over with already. He shrugs. "You're the boss, whatever you like."
Kosta nods thoughtfully, as though he's actually trying to decide with which name to christen Elliot when he's about to murder him. "Ok, Ashes, then," he grins, locking his eyes on Elliot's, looking for a tell as always, and Elliot can't be sure, but he thinks Kosta wants Eddie to be irritated so he smiles a little as though he's pleased with the decision. "I said you weren't one of us, that you'd never be one of us-"
Elliot quietly takes a deep breath, and wonders if he's going to feel it, if he's going to suffer and experience the pain and have time to reflect on all the things he's done wrong in his life and wonder if he's going to see that promised bright light because yes he's fucked up beyond all reason more times than he can remember but he really never meant to and honestly did have the best of intentions most of the time. His finger brushes the safety on his gun, wanting to click it off but knowing it's now eerily silent and the sound will be so loud as to call too much attention if he's not about to get shot and what difference does it make if he is about to die.
Kosta steps forward, placing his hands on Elliot's shoulders, a wide smile forming on his face. "I might have spoken too soon. After last night, after the work you did for us… We wanted a block, but now we have an entire neighborhood at our feet." His hands move to the sides of Elliot's head in an entirely too intimate gesture except, Elliot realizes, that's the whole point of the conversation. "You might not have been born one of us, but you're one of us in spirit."
And suddenly, Elliot is pulled forward into a congratulatory hug, complete with a pat on the back. "Ashes, you are one crazy son of a bitch, welcome to the family."
Too confused to even understand immediately, Elliot remains frozen in shock, his finger still against the safety, still fighting the urge to just kill Kosta and spare the city one more criminal.
Kosta steps back and motions at the trailer door. "I got you a little gift. You deserve to treat yourself for all your hard work."
Elliot's mind is still trying to understand, the words making no sense, and he finds himself glancing at the door and wondering if the whole fucking thing isn't going to blow up as soon as he steps inside and thinking how there's no way to get the place cleared for explosives without giving away that he doesn't trust his new father or brother or cousin or whoever Kosta is supposed to be to him now.
Kosta waits for a response, perhaps because he's used to people who are less than excited at the prospect of his gifts, while Elliot watches for a tell. He wishes he'd stayed at the gym and worked himself into exhaustion on the speed bag until he passed out. He wishes he could just abandon the trailer and pretend he doesn't still think Kosta is going to kill him and go back to meet Reggie for breakfast in the morning like normal. He wishes he could report back to work that he thinks he's been made and disappear before he actually winds up dead except it's a little late for that now because despite what Kosta said, Elliot suspects it's all a fucking mind game and he's still going to wind up dead inside of ten minutes and he glances down at the gun in one hand and the phone in the other and really doesn't know what the fuck to do. He wishes he'd stopped to grab those beers he didn't want because he thinks a little alcohol could only help at this point. He decides Kosta wants to shoot him inside the trailer to hide the body for a while and that all the bullshit about being a part of the family was meant to disarm him and get him to relax and think he's safe and he's not going to fall for it.
Finally, he checks the phone because even if he's about to die, he still has priorities, double checking to make sure he hasn't missed a call from Bell while he's waiting to be executed because if he's about to die his last thoughts are going to be of Olivia anyway so he'd like to go out knowing that she's safe, except there's no call and so it's with fresh disappointment that Elliot realizes he's going to face his death all alone and he deserves nothing less because of how he treated her and then he tucks both the phone and the gun away.
If Kosta is here to kill him, there's nothing he can do, no way to escape without Kosta's backup following, and Elliot is going to go out with his dignity if nothing else. He's not going to cry or plead or try to talk his way out of it. Kosta is still waiting, once again trying to read Eddie's expression and Elliot refuses to show him fear or hesitation. Instead he thinks of his kids and Liv and the good work he's done and knows Kosta sees resolve and nothing else. No one in Elliot's life probably expected any different for him anyway.
He reaches for the door and pulls it open, wondering if Kosta's going to shoot him in the back or demand he kneel or if the whole fucking trailer is going to explode the moment he walks inside. He discounts that possibility quickly because Kosta is too close and so he must be planning on shooting him and even though he's resigned to it, Elliot thinks about pulling his weapon and taking out Kosta even if he's guaranteed to be killed immediately by Kosta's back up. Elliot remembers how Jet had offered to put in cameras "just in case" and he'd refused and now he wishes he'd agreed because the invasion of privacy would have been worth it to at least know they'd have Kosta dead to rights on a premeditated murder charge and then none of this would have been a waste of time.
As he climbs the steps, he glances back over his shoulder, expecting to see a gun or knife or some kind of weapon leveled at him. But no, Kosta is there, right behind him, waiting to follow him inside. Kosta's face looks excited and it disturbs Elliot to see what can only be described as glee on the man's face.
Elliot steps inside, wondering where the hell to go because if he's about to be killed, he just wants it fucking over already and he looks at the front seats and knows it's pointless to hide a body inside the trailer in full view of anyone walking past and then Kosta is right behind him, having climbed the steps and joined Elliot without a damn sound.
His hands are on Elliot's shoulders and steering him to the left and Elliot jumps in surprise at the contact, but Kosta laughs and assumes it's his gift that caused the reaction.
"What do you think?" Kosta chuckles and pats Elliot's back again, obviously pleased with himself and the situation and surprising the shit out of the man who no longer has the ability to speak.
His eyes are locked on Olivia, bound and gagged and terrified and shaking and staring at him with the widest fucking eyes he's ever seen and all he can do for a moment is think about dropping to his knees and thanking god that she's ok except she isn't ok and this is the very definition of not ok and this is so much worse for him than being murdered in an undignified way and being left to rot in a trailer.
He holds her eyes, knowing he's mirroring her fear back at her, hoping she sees the promise as well, that he will not hurt her and he suddenly understands how she felt when Gitano was holding a gun to his head all those years ago because he will absolutely die before he causes any more harm to come her way.
He knows he's supposed to say something, but he cannot be Eddie right now because Elliot is so fucking thankful that she's alive that he can't think and it's taking everything he has in him not to start sobbing. But at least now he feels the adrenaline rush that had been missing, the fast heartbeat and rapid breathing and pure fear response that was lacking at the thought of his own death, and suddenly his thoughts are coming so fast he feels like he's losing his mind and all he can remember out of his entire fucking useless life is that he must protect this woman if it is the last thing he ever does.