The next morning, the boys found themselves back at the same table in the same chairs at The Lima Bean. Blaine clutched his medium drip and stared at Kurt who was calmly sipping his mocha. Everything was nearly exactly the same save for their roles. Today, Blaine was the nervous one, and Kurt was the one calmly waiting to hear what Blaine needed to talk about.
"Sure is a nice day today," he tried, giving Blaine a smile.
Blaine gave him a half-hearted one in return, not replying, not engaging. He was too wrapped up in his thoughts and emotions to know how to reply to that. The torture of waiting until the morning to tell someone what had happened had been unbearable the night before, and he hadn't caught more than an hour of sleep. He was just so lost and confused.
"Hey," Kurt said, reaching out a hand to run it lightly along Blaine's arm. "I'm here to listen, whenever you're ready to talk. Is it better for you if I'm just quiet?"
Not trusting his voice, Blaine nodded.
"Okay. That's what I'll do then. No more talking until you're ready."
The moments dragged by, and Blaine just stared at Kurt's chest, at the button on the pocket of his yellow button-up. How could he describe the tornado of emotions and feelings he was having? How could he describe the emotional and mental damage it was having, destroying everything in its path and leaving him afraid and unsure. "I'm scared," he finally managed to squeak out, looking at Kurt.
"Want me to hold your hand?"
Blaine nodded. When Kurt's warm hand wrapped around his, he felt like he could breathe a little better again. The pressure of his fingertips against his knuckles and palm grounded him, and he opened his mouth, letting the words flow.
"I'm scared of the future, Kurt. Las-last night, I got a call from an old college buddy. I don't know if you know, but when I graduated, I left Lima as quickly as I could, and I went to Loyola in LA to get my degree in filmmaking. More than anything, I wanted to be on a movie set. Didn't matter if I was directing, running a camera, whatever. I just wanted to be there. So, I went to Loyola and I got my Masters in filmmaking. Then, after that, I was jobless. I got out of school and couldn't find anything anywhere, not even an internship. Everybody wanted somebody with experience, and all I had was my degree.
"So, I couch surfed, hopping from friend to friend then from friend-of-a-friend to friend-of-a-friend. I couldn't get work or money. I could get boys, though. Lots of boys wanted me, and I went through relationship after relationship, man after man. That's the way of Hollywood, I guess. Everyone is looking for the next big thing, and I just wasn't it. Not for any studio, not for any movie, and not for any man."
"Blaine…" Kurt said softly. "That's not true. You're—"
"Please don't say I'm amazing," Blaine said, his brow furrowing. "I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. It's become meaningless now." He saw Kurt cringe from the corner of his eye, and he hurried to set his coffee cup on the table, placing his other hand over Kurt's. "I know you meant it," he said softly. "I didn't mean to imply that you didn't mean it. It just doesn't comfort me anymore because too many people have said it and didn't mean it. I'm sorry if my comment hurt you, Kurt."
The other man just shrugged. "This isn't about me. It's about you."
Discussion for another time, Blaine told himself when a retort bubbled up inside him. You can convince him later that it's okay to admit he's had his feelings hurt. "Anyway, I was on the verge of selling myself, my body, just to make some money. I truly wanted to find love and support in another person, but no one wanted to stick around long enough for us to have a meaningful relationship. I was actually leaving to meet with someone at an escort service when my dad called me. We hadn't talked in a long time because he didn't approve of my decision to go to Loyola; he wanted me to become a Wildcat at the journalism school he attended in the middle of Illinois. The only reason he called was to tell me that Coop, who runs the Chicago Tribune now, is getting married. He's tying the knot sometime next year. I can't remember when.
"Anyway, after he told me the news, he asked how I was, and when he found out I'd never held a job, he told me to come home. What other choice did I have? He paid for my plane ticket, and I came back at the end of May. That's the only reason I work at the newspaper now, because I didn't want to be a bum with no job after all my dad has done for me."
"He really loves you, you know," Kurt said quietly, rubbing his thumb along Blaine's knuckles. "He tells me that all the time, how proud of you he is, how excited he is that you work at the paper with him."
"Yeah. That was always his dream," Blaine says, a sour hint in his tone. "I guess he may as well have it now that my dream's gone."
"So, that's what had you so upset last night?" Kurt pressed, deciding to ignore that bit of negativity. "You were thinking about your past?"
"Not quite. Last night, I got a phone call from one of my film school buddies, Wes. He told me about this job, filming for a new studio just opening up. He wanted to know if I wanted in, and in the heat of the moment last night, I told him no."
Kurt's eyes grew wide. "You did? Why?"
"That's what I can't quite figure out," Blaine admitted, picking his coffee up again and taking a few more long drinks. "Being part of making a movie is my dream. It has been for years. And so why, when I was offered an opportunity to do what I've been dreaming about, did I pass it up?"
Keeping quiet as he recognized Blaine's question for what it was, rhetorical, Kurt simply sipped at his mocha, waiting for Blaine to answer himself.
"I've been thinking about it all night while I was laying in bed, staring up at my ceiling, wishing I could sleep. I think… I think it's because of my dad. He—Having me at the paper has been his dream since I was a kid. He wanted both of his sons to work at the paper with him. Coop easily fulfilled that for him. It was what he wanted, but it wasn't what I wanted in my life. Now, though, he has that, finally, and I've seen how happy it makes him. I don't want him to lose that glow he has now, Kurt. He's over the moon, and for me to go back to California would hurt him so deeply.
"On top of that, there's nothing guaranteeing me a spot out there. What if I got there and there was no job? What would I do? I couldn't ask my dad to fly me back to Lima again, so I'd be stuck, going back to that shitty life of couch surfing and selling myself to make a few bucks. I can't do that, either. That's not the life I want, not part of my dream. And…" And there's also you. I can't explain it, but I don't want to leave you. I feel tied to you by something, and I can't imagine the immense loss I would feel if I never saw your face again or figured out what we could be. Together.
"And?"
"And so, that's why I said no, I think. I'm just so conflicted about it, Kurt. I don't know if that's what I really wanted or not."
"You know, I could fly you back to Lima if you got out there and things didn't work out."
"No." Blaine was instantly shaking his head. "That's sweet of you, Kurt, but I could never ask you to do something like that."
"You didn't ask. I offered."
"I-I just can't. Besides that, it's too late. I already told Wes not to have them hold an interview spot for me."
"Can you call him back, see if he's told them yet? Maybe he can just tell them your situation has changed…"
"No. I…" Blaine shocked even himself when the next words came out of his mouth. "I don't want to."
For a while, the boys said nothing. They just drank their coffee and thought. Eventually, Kurt said, "Do you think you can be happy here in Lima somehow? Will you regret not going back to California?"
"Maybe? I'm really not sure. For now, though, I have to try to be happy here. I don't have another choice."
"I'm glad you stayed," Kurt offered shyly. "I would have missed my only friend if he was in California."
Blaine's heart warmed at that, the flame of desire and appreciation he was feeling for the man across from him intensifying when he realized Kurt's hand was still wrapped around his own. "I'm never saying goodbye to you," Blaine reassured him. "We'll still be friends, even if one of us moves away."
"Are you sure? You want to be friends with me for that long?"
"I want to be friends with you always," Blaine said. "Always and forever."
"Thanks," Kurt said, giving Blaine's hand a squeeze before releasing him and moving away, afraid Blaine would be able to feel how suddenly overheated the sentiment had made him. "I'd like to be friends with you forever, too."
They chit-chatted for a while after that, the conversation once again moving smoothly from heavy to light as it always seemed to do with them. They talked about the progress on the house, how Kurt was having the electrician and plumber out during the next week. Once they were finished and everything in the house was sound, it would be time to start putting up sheetrock.
Blaine once again reminded Kurt of how handy he was, telling him that he could paint, do sheetrock, woodwork, or flooring, anything Kurt might need. It wasn't the complete truth, but it was close enough. He just wanted to be of service for his friend and spend some more time around him to try to win his heart. He liked the workmen types, and Blaine was willing to be that if it would give him a shot.
Kurt only paid partial attention through the rest of their conversation, something Blaine had said to him echoing through his head: "I'm never saying goodbye to you." It was the first time Kurt had ever heard someone say something like that, and he knew intrinsically that Blaine meant it.