'Tis the Seasons

AU: I obviously own none of the characters, and the premise is based off of Taylor Swift's Tis the Damn Season song.

Synopsis: Four Christmases after their graduation breakup.

Logan

It doesn't feel real to be here at all. I keep looking at the over the top decorations, it felt fake when I was running around these walls as a kid, and it feels more fake now. I don't want to be here, not back in this town, this house, so close to everything that I almost had. I have to shake my head to clear it out. I did well in California, well enough at least to earn my father's respect. Well enough to realize that it was the right move for me, even if it wasn't the right move for us. I can hear Finn, reminding me that it's been 4 and a half years, definitely long enough to stop thinking of her, to stop wanting her. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been celibate all this time, but that doesn't mean someone has come close to what she was to me. She was always just there, every time I got close enough to someone, I'd remember her blue eyes. I'd remember the way they would shine in the moonlight coming in through the windows of our apartment and then the nitpicking would start. The woman I'd be with wouldn't smile the way I needed her too, or she'd drink her coffee wrong, until it became too much. The ghost of her lingered in every crack of my life.

So, yeah, I really didn't want to be back here, where her presence was louder, more real, more tangible. There's the table she almost fled from a day into being my girlfriend. There's the halls we snuck around during parties, the road I drove to get here passing by her grandparent's neighborhood. What a monumentally stupid idea coming back here. But I had no choice this year, I just had to pray that she wouldn't be around as much this year. That can't be too hard to ask, could it?

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I can't believe I fell into their trap, I should have known that Finn didn't know what an easy going night was, and suddenly he wanted one at our old stomping grounds near Yale? I never should have shown up. The thought of walking through those grounds again was too much for me, it was reason to not go in the first place. But I didn't want to hear Finn talk about how I needed to just let her go, so I thought it was one night, I could handle one night.

Except it wasn't just a regular night at our bar, because sitting at the booth with my two best friends was the woman that no other woman could compare to. Her eyes met mine first and the pain in them almost brought me to my knees, until I realized that I offered to stand by her. I had offered my unconditional love on a silver platter, and she created this division, she created her own pain. I tried to block out everything, how my heart was feeling, how my brain wanted to put my body into flight mode. Every time I thought about this moment I never pictured the absolute devastation from every part of my body. I thought the years apart would help me not hurt like this. I guess I never understood how diluted her impact on me had become. Now that I'm seeing her in real life technicolor I can't help but feel cut off at the knees just from seeing her.

"Hi Logan." Her voice is quiet, it's a tone I know well, she's embarrassed, this isn't shy Rory, this is contrite Rory. Her head hangs down for a moment before she looks back up at me and I see the shine in her eyes and the single tear falling down.

I take a deep breath, every part of my brain telling me to run, put as much distance between me and this table. No matter how loud my brain screamed, my heart's quiet determination won out and without thinking I was sitting next to Colin, across from the only girl I'd give it all away for.

"Leave!" The word scraped across my throat on it's way out, my body trying desperately not to allow me to request I be alone with her, but we had to talk this out. That's why she was here, wasn't it? And if not, did she really think she could just come back here and hang out with our friends like nothing happened?

As I go to speak, the waitress comes over with a whiskey, no ice. I give a small nod of acknowledgement before bringing it to my mouth and finishing the two fingers of whiskey in one- go, before lifting it up towards the waitress in a silent request for another one.

"Glad to see I can still get your drink order right after all these years." I lift my gaze to hers, it takes everything for my face to remain blank. If she wants to talk so badly, she can get us to the subject, my days of helping her are over. A nervous laugh escapes her before she fidgets with her napkin again. "I just thought we should talk."

The waitress brings my next drink, the words Rory just said make me want to finish this off in one swig but I decide to stare down at it instead, lightly turning my wrist and focusing on the liquid. Anything to not look across the table. "I don't know what to say Rory. I wanted to marry you, you didn't feel the same."

"You didn't give me time Logan!" Her eyes stopped holding pain, that hurt replaced with fire, threatening to engulf this whole bar if I prodded. A smarter man would walk away, a smarter man would play the hero and not throw gasoline on the fire. But just ask my father, I never was a smart enough man.

"You shouldn't have needed time! I should have been enough for you! You were the only person in my life who made me feel like I was enough and then you walked away." The words fell between us and before I could allow their weight to settle I threw back the rest of my whiskey and stormed out.

Passing by Finn and Colin sitting at a table near an exit I threw my middle finger in the air and stormed out. The moment the Connecticut winter air hit me I felt the impact of the words I screamed out. No sooner did I feel another impact of two small hands pushing my back.

"It was never about you being enough!"

Is she for real right now? "I don't know what you think of me walking out of that bar, and away from you means, but let me clarify that I don't want to talk to you. You hurt me Rory. I don't care about the excuses, or the speeches, you hurt me Rory. You don't get to just show up at my evening with friends and ruin that to assuage your own guilt."

Her face crumpled but I tried not to focus on that. It would be so easy to give in, to invite her back to my place so we can talk, so we can explore each other again, so I could tell her every moment I thought of her. "I'm sorry Rory, I just can't do it."'

My car pulled up and I got in just as Colin and Finn were coming out. As Colin stayed to talk to Rory I saw Finn make his way towards me, a sharp nod had him backing down and I climbed into the backseat.

I knew where I should go, my parents house was a short drive away, there were a dozen hotels in a 5 mile radius but the moment we came upon the exit I knew where I needed to go.

As I looked down at the streets below from the rooftop of our old building it reminds me of the last time, except this time I'm not waiting for her to come back from class. I'm not preparing a grand surprise. I'm just stuck looking at a town that brought me what I thought was my future.

A gust of winter air brings me out of my thoughts and the way my body responds to the cold reminds me that I've been out here far too long. Just as I go to turn and head downstairs the rooftop door opens. I see the black heels she was wearing at dinner then I hear the clank of glass on metal and an "oops" slip through. It would be comical if I wasn't about to face heartbreak on the other side of the door. Sure enough, her brunette curls make their appearance and I know now that there's no way out of this.

"LOGAN!" Her voice is louder than at any point tonight, but instead of the hurt or the anger it's replaced with joy. The champagne bottle in her hand probably led to the change in mood. I couldn't help but smile at her slightly tipsy walk but the closer she came to me the more on guard I felt myself becoming. "Shh, I escaped Finn and Colin."

"Good idea Ace."

Her face lit up. "You called me Ace!" Fuck, had I? But I didn't need to think about it too hard, I knew I did. "Remember when you tricked me to come up here? God, I could have married you right there." The way she stared up at the sky in her world made me stay silent, I want to ask why she couldn't marry me a few months later but I don't want to break her moment, I don't want to stop thinking of the good moments. "I should have said yes, Logan. I should have never watched you walk away."

I had everything I wanted to say right at the tip of my tongue, begging her to marry me tonight. We can run away and figure things out after. I wanted to say them as I stared at her for the first time in years and she's raw, and open, it couldn't be more beautiful. The roof door opens again as Colin and Finn come running through. I've never felt more relief and anger at the sight of them, which if you consider that moment with the Greek embassy, it's really saying something.

"We're sorry about tonight." Colin explained while Finn and Rory left the rooftop. She never even said goodbye which makes me wonder if she even remembered I had been up here with her.

"Why'd you do it, Colin?" I looked at him straight on. This is one half of the pair that I told everything to, all the nights where I almost called her, I called them instead.

"I had to do something Logan, you don't get it." I wanted to ask more, but I could tell by his demeanor he had more to say. "Listen, I don't know how much of herself she can give, but it doesn't mean she doesn't miss you."

"Well it wasn't up to you to decide when I was ready. Especially if you don't know 'how much of herself she can give.' What does that even mean? Because unless she can match how much I give then it shouldn't even be a conversation."

"She needed to see you, Logan. London, it's not going so well for her." He started to say more before shaking his head. "Just don't shut her out completely, okay?"

I walked away without another word, what was the point? But late that night I kept hearing his words echoing in my head about London. What had happened over there? Was she safe? The thoughts plagued me throughout the night, making their way into my dreams when sleep finally dragged me down.

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The lights were twinkling throughout the room, shining off the over-priced silverware at each seat. Usually this would be the last place I would want to be, and don't get me wrong, it's a close second. But if I'm at this event at least I'm not home, playing through that night again. It's been one week since then and I've managed to get past it as much as I can but the thought of her being hurt in London keeps giving me pause.

"Well of course I beat him, just wanted to boost his ego a little bit until the 18th hole where I crushed him!" I heard the lion's roar of a voice before I saw the man. Richard Gilmore could command the room in any situation and with everything going on, you would think I'd be more nervous to see him, but it felt nice, comforting. Until I looked over at the table he was standing next to where Lorelei was ranting about some apple tart while Rory stared at her champagne glass.

Well, so much for a night off from thinking about her.

It was time for the night to start winding down when I saw her slip down a hallway, without conscious thought, I found myself following her. I should have turned back but then I heard the small sniffle coming from her direction and I knew I couldn't leave.

"Rory?" I turned the corner and found her standing there, holding her arms around herself. The red silk dress getting wrinkled below where she gripped herself tighter. "Rory, what's going on?" I stepped closer to her, and I couldn't tell if my body wanted to reach for her, grip her and never let her go, or if my whole body would burn at her touch. When she looked up at me with tear stained cheeks and a vulnerability I haven't seen before I can't stop myself.

Every bad moment between us goes out the window as I tear her arms away from around her, using one of those hands to bring her closer to me, crashing her to my chest. I look at her eyes again, close again for the first time in all these years. God I'm praying she says yes to the unspoken question and when I see her barely nod I lose myself completely. Instead of kissing her immediately I walk her backwards. Holding both her hands in mine I bring them up the wall and pin her there. I take my time bringing my lips to hers, and even before they touch the ones I've craved for years, I make sure to savor every second of this.

"Kiss me Logan." I can hear the need in her voice, I can feel the way she tries to grind her body closer to me. Without a word I pin her to the wall with my whole body. I don't know what she will do in the morning but I know that right now I get to keep her with me.

"Give me 24 hours." I nip at her lips and she chases them, not being able to move far with the way she's pinned beneath me.

"Just the evening." She counters, but there's desperation laced in her voice.

"24 hours Ace, just say the word and we can disappear." I lean into her neck as I whisper the words right on her skin. The way her body shudders tells me it's working.

"I can give you 12, please Logan. Please." I weighed my options, could I handle the idea of only 12 hours? Could those 12 hours ruin every bit of progress I've made? But as I hear the soft moan, and feel her try to move beneath me I know that I'm already ruined so I might as well enjoy the ride.

"Fine, 12 hours, you're mine." I pull her off the wall, without thinking anything more I lead her to the elevators. As the doors close as we head up to the top floor we're both quiet. Every word I want to say will break this spell between us. If we only have 12 hours together I want to spend them kissing her, worshipping her, making her realize how happy I could have made her. As the doors open we head to my hotel suite, the silence getting worse and worse with each step towards the end of the hall.

I half- expect my keycard not to work just to prolong this but sure enough it turns green on the first swipe. I can't tell if that's a sign or just technology working right for once but I decide not to think about it anymore as I hear the door close behind me. One look up at her and I'm gone. It takes only a split second before I'm on her, picking her up and bringing her to the bed. I want her so badly I could have taken her in the elevator, but I need her under me on a bed the first time I feel her again and the smile she gives me as she bounces on the king size bed, I know I made the right call.

With as many ideas rushing through my head, you'd think I'd take my time but I can't do it. Within moments of the first kiss on the bed I'm inside of her and it's taking everything in me not to crumble within seconds. If my memories of her looks and her impact had faded, then the memories of her wrapped around me completely disappeared. I never remember it feeling like this. I want to remind her how perfectly we fit, I want to show her that she's finally home.

I thought I had done that, I thought with each new round we were getting closer to us. Until the next morning, where on a Season's Greetings post card from the lobby, the words read "Thank you for being my safe place, Merry Christmas Logan."