#47 - Experiences

My Funny Friend and Me

Segment Notes: These types of topics are very difficult for me to write, as it is almost impossible for me, as an asexual, to fully grasp that not all characters in something who don't actually show interest in romance are asexual, lol. And I also wonder whether a character I've portrayed as not asexual could believably not be terribly interested in sex. But it's actually an important part of this set-up, that one of the characters is not asexual and yet still isn't that interested. That makes it more powerful, I think.

Kalin and Radley were attempting to watch television again, and once again, all they had been able to find was a cheesy and predictable romance movie. But out of boredom and morbid curiosity they watched it for a while and then Kalin snapped off the television when another one started.

"Tell me," Kalin said, absently stroking Radley's hair as he lay with his head on Kalin's lap, "what's it like to be attracted to someone?" Being asexual left him without any desire or interest in sex, while being aromantic meant he didn't ever have an attraction to anyone, including in a non-sexual way. It made watching romance movies particularly confusing when they dipped into physical attraction and it also usually resulted in blank stares when some of the Bunch or others talked about cute girls or guys.

"Ooh, that's a tough one," Radley mused. He relaxed, enjoying the feel of Kalin's hand on his hair—even though Kalin periodically paused to poke the gravity-defying tufts. "I honestly don't know if I can accurately describe it to someone who's never experienced it. Seeing someone and finding them cute or pretty . . . well, it kinda makes your heart skip a beat, as cliche as that sounds. It's exciting."

"Like that rush when we're out riding and we want to go faster?" Kalin said.

". . . Maybe a little," Radley mused after some initial suprise at the query. "Although I don't think I personally experience it as strongly as that."

"Did you feel like that about Brittanie?" Kalin asked.

"Yeah, she's a beautiful lady and I saw that right away," Radley said. "I could hardly believe she was interested in me. Well . . ." He smirked. "I know I'm not bad-looking, but I just figured she wouldn't go for a naive college kid." He sighed. "I wish she hadn't, and yet . . . I wonder what kinds of mistakes I might have made if I hadn't got schooled early on about those kinds of women existing."

Kalin's expression darkened. He was still angry with her for how she had treated Radley when he had thought she cared about him. He almost wished he could run across her one more time now that he wasn't drowning in depression, so he could really give it to her for what she had done to Radley.

". . . Were you ever tempted to go all the way with Brittanie, even though you didn't really want to?" Kalin asked.

Radley fell silent, pondering. "Of course I wondered what it would be like," he admitted. "But actually tempted . . . I can't say I was. The truth is, Kalin, I've wondered if I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum too. Sure, I get attracted to pretty girls, maybe even like the idea of kissing some of them, but I've never really wanted to take them to bed. I guess I could be demisexual, only having those feelings if there's a strong emotional connection. I thought Brittanie and I had that, though. I was naive about her and everything, but for my part I was serious about her."

"Maybe it's just that you're so interested in companionship that that crowds out sexual feelings," Kalin said.

"Maybe," Radley said. "I'll admit that sounds pretty accurate to me, but I don't pretend to know how the body and mind work on that." He laughed. "Honestly, I have the strongest emotional connections with you and the Bunch, but you guys are my family. I'm not attracted to any of you." He rolled onto his back so he could look up at Kalin.

"Ironic, since half the town probably thinks we're a couple," Kalin deadpanned. He gently brushed the hair out of Radley's face, but that one stubborn piece fell right back.

Radley smirked. "And since what we're doing right now looks like that. Most people would never understand otherwise."

"I know." Kalin leaned back. Neither needed to explain such actions to each other, as they had developed an unspoken understanding and appreciation for such sweetness. Perhaps, Kalin had mused to himself more than once, it was that they had never had conventional relationships with anyone and hence, didn't much care about social mores on what they should or should not do in a particular type of relationship. It was no doubt true that most friends weren't likely to do a lot of what they did if there were no romantic feelings involved, but they were both all too willing to break the 'rules' if they wanted to—and they wanted to. What was or was not acceptable was subjective and always changing anyway.

Kalin was happy that Radley didn't try so much to fit in anymore and took more pride in standing out. He had mostly dropped trying to talk like the locals; he wasn't a country boy and likely never would be. Kalin, by contrast, had always accepted that he would be an outcast—or at least, a misfit. The Bunch had asserted that he fit right in with them. They were a mismatched group whose main things in common were motorcycles and a desire to be together. And that sounded pretty good to Kalin now that his mind was clear.

"I like it, though," Radley said, breaking the introspective silence.

"I like it too," Kalin smirked. He had shared this type of closeness with Yusei during their Enforcer days. It made him happy to also have formed such a unique and unusual bond with Radley. He wasn't even quite sure how it had happened. One night Radley had just settled down with his head on Kalin's lap and Kalin had rested a hand on him and it had felt so natural that they had kept doing it, no questions asked or needed.

Radley picked up his phone and idly looked through his browser tabs. He scoffed when he clicked into his email and saw that a naughty message had ended up in his Inbox instead of in Junk Mail. Rolling his eyes, he moved it without opening it.

Watching him, Kalin said, ". . . I ran into dirty magazines a lot in the Satellite. They'd be kicking around or falling out of garbage cans. I couldn't help seeing some of the pictures. Once I deliberately picked one up to try to figure out what the big deal was." He shook his head. "I felt absolutely nothing."

"I've accidentally run into it when my search engine does something stupid," Radley said. "I wouldn't say I feel nothing, but I feel like I'm intruding on somebody's private moment. Or that they're being exhibitionists, bringing their private moments to the whole world to see. I usually think 'Get a room!' Sure, sometimes some unwelcome thoughts start creeping into my mind without my permission, but I don't dwell on them. It's not what I get my kicks on." He stretched and then clasped his hands on his chest. "A nice motorcycle ride or hanging out with you guys is much more fun."

Kalin smiled.

"You know, I don't really care what the town thinks, as long as they recognize enough to know we truly love each other," Radley said. He sat up and brushed Kalin's hair over his shoulder. "But you're probably right that most of them would never get just what our relationship is."

Kalin pulled him close. "I'm sure they wouldn't." He paused. "Does the Bunch get it?"

"Oh sure. We're all like that with each other," Radley said. "Crashing on the bed, innocently dozing off together, just wanting to be with each other without having any thoughts of being attracted. . . . Just a big family. It's what I always wanted."

"I used to have some of that with the Enforcers," Kalin said. "Sometimes we'd crash around in weird positions and doze. We were all a family then. I was the closest to Yusei, but of course I cared about all of them. I wanted us to be together forever."

"At least your friendships are forever, even if the gang isn't," Radley said.

"I'm always grateful for that," Kalin said. "And amazed. I don't know how any of them wanted me back. I don't know how you did either."

"We love the real you," Radley said. He reached and took Kalin's hand, laying it near his shoulder with his hand on it.

Kalin let him. "It's more than I ever thought I could deserve," he said.

"I know," Radley said. "But I hope you're starting to understand."

"It's still hard to wrap my mind around it," Kalin said. "But I'm trying to."

Radley smiled. "Good." He hesitated. "So you've really never been attracted to anyone, huh?"

Kalin shook his head. "No sexual feelings or even non-sexual attractions. I used to wonder if something was wrong with me." He smirked a bit. "Then I would think instead that maybe there was something wrong with almost everyone else if they were so obsessed with it."

Radley laughed. "Honestly, sometimes I still wonder that," he admitted. "Sure, there's nothing wrong with good, true romance, and people should have that if they want it. But I hear way too much about just the sex part of it and not all the other meaningful elements of a romantic relationship too. And people are also always crowding out all the other kinds of love, thinking they don't mean as much as romance. All real love should be just as important."

Kalin brushed the hair out of Radley's eyes again. "It should be," he agreed.