Chapter 41: If I Be Wrong

A/N- Merry Christmas everyone or happy holidays for those who don't celebrate Christmas. Hope you all are still keeping safe and healthy during this time. Consider this new chapter my Christmas gift to you guys. Hope you guys enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, it belongs to BBC

Hold It Down- Noah Kahan

I gambled my soul without knowing the stakes

And now I'm filling a hole with falsehood and shame

And now my guilty skin will turn to stone

Lord, I'm a man of sin, now that I know

Kit played the scene over and over again like a broken record. She barely remembered what happened afterward. She remembered telling the Doctor what she did, and she remembered him telling her that it wasn't her fault, that she didn't mean to. He told her that constantly over the years, maybe because he didn't want her to have the same guilt he had. Either way, she believed him but now…

The Tardis door shut, and she jumped being pulled from her thoughts. She looked around and noticed that Mickey was gone.

"I'll go get him," Rose spoke up. "See if he's okay." She turned and left after Mickey.

And then there were three, Kit thought to herself as an uncomfortable tension descended in the Tardis.

She watched Margaret touch the console again and make annoying observations. Kit tried to glare at her. She tried to get angry with Margaret again but she just couldn't. She ran her hand through her hair. She felt tired suddenly like the fatigue she felt in her memory was coming back to present day. She had no energy to yell at Margaret or maybe she was just reminded of the Judoon and she felt bad. Either way, right now all she wanted to do was go to bed.

After a while of no one answering Margaret or paying attention to her, she finally gave up and sat behind the railing. Kit watched as her posture seemed to change into being more slumped and tired. Kit wondered what was going through her mind. She remembered the look on all the Judoon running to an escape pod. The terror in their eyes and Kit wondered if Margaret was feeling the same.

"So, what's on?" She heard Jack ask. She tore her eyes away from Margaret and looked over to see the Doctor watching the computer screen on the console intensely.

"Nothing, just…" he trailed off and went back to work.

Kit sighed. Nothing just watching Rose and Mickey probably having an intimate moment and I'm jealous because I'm completely in love with her, Kit thought, feeling bad for the Doctor.

"I gather it's not always like this, having to wait," Margaret's voice cut through the tense air like a knife. No one answered her so she continued, "I bet you're always the first to leave, Doctor. Never mind the consequences, off you go. You butchered my family and then ran for the stars, am I right? But not this time. At last you have consequences."

Kit closed her eyes tight thinking of the Judoon again. She wasn't wrong and that made Kit hate her all the more. She butchered the Judoon and then ran off. The Doctor told her that it wasn't her fault and even though the General told her he'd hunt her down, he never did. She never experienced any consequences other than the empty feeling of guilt.

"How does it feel?" Margaret snapped.

"I didn't butcher them," the Doctor simply said without turning around to look at her. He seemed so confident in his answer, but she knew better. She was sure this was eating him alive as much as it was eating her.

"Don't answer back. That's what she wants," Jack told.

"I didn't," he answered. "What about you? You had an emergency teleport. You didn't zap them to safety, did you?" He asked Margaret.

"It only carries one. I had to fly without coordinates." Her shoulders seemed to slump even more. "I ended up on a skip in the Isle of Dogs." Kit snorted at that involuntarily. She didn't mean to but the image in her head was hilarious. The Doctor and Jack must have thought so too because they started laughing. "It wasn't funny."

"Sorry." The Doctor paused and Margaret looked back at them. "It is a bit funny."

The Doctor and Jack started laughing again, and Kit tried to hide her smile but as much as she tried, she couldn't hold in the giggles that were forming in her throat. She couldn't help it. She felt like she needed to laugh. She needed to think of something other than that memory.

Much to Kit's surprise, Margaret giggled too but the smile that formed afterward she could only describe as sinister. It made Kit very nervous and she stopped laughing.

"Do I get a last request?" She implored.

The Doctor stopped laughing and started to fiddle with the console again. "Depends what it is."

"I grew quite fond of my little human life. All those rituals. The brushing of the teeth, and the complicated way they cook things," she explained. "There's a little restaurant just round the Bay. It became quite a favourite of mine."

The Doctor looked at her with uncertainty in her eyes and walked over to her. "Is that what you want, a last meal?" He asked leaning over the railing.

"Don't I have rights?" She accused.

Jack rolled his eyes. "Oh, like she's not going to try to escape."

Kit had to agree. She didn't trust Margaret even though she might be feeling slightly bad for her. There was no way she would ask something like this without having a plan up her sleeve.

"Except I can never escape the Doctor, so where's the danger?" She snapped and then composed herself. "I wonder if you could do it? To sit with a creature you're about to kill and take supper. How strong is your stomach?"

"Strong enough," the Doctor retorted.

"I wonder," she looked at the Doctor coldly. "I've seen you fight your enemies, now dine with them."

"You won't change my mind."

"Prove it."

The Doctor watched her carefully but then shook her head. "There are people out there. If you slip away just for one second, they'll be in danger."

"Except I've got these," Jack cut in and held up two metal bangles. "You both wear one. If she moves more than ten feet away…" he made a zapping noise and Margaret looked a bit rattled. "She gets zapped by ten thousand volts."

The Doctor smiled. "Margaret, would you like to come out to dinner? My treat."

Margaret smiled wickedly back. "Dinner in bondage. Works for me."

"Right!" The Doctor clapped his hands together. "Will you be alright working on the Tardis by yourself for a bit, Jack?"

"Don't worry I'll be fine. I've got Little Red to keep me company," Jack looked at her and gave her a bright smile. Kit tried to return it but it didn't come.

Both the Doctor and Jack watched her curiously and then gave each other worried looks. "Will you be alright, Kit?" The Doctor asked with concern laced in his voice.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," she forced a smile this time but her voice cracked and gave her away.

"Are you okay now?" He tired again.

She nodded but looked away from his eyes. "Just tired. Got a lot on my mind."

"Is it my death?" Margaret cut in. Kit bit her lip and looked down at her shoes.

"Not the time!" The Doctor snapped. "Are you sure you'll be okay?"

Kit finally looked at him. He was searching her eyes for an answer. "Yeah. Really, I'm good. You should be more worried about yourself right now."

"Nah, I'll be good but if I'm not back in two hours—"

"I'll presume you're dead," Kit managed to joke which caused the Doctor to grin.

"Just so we're on the same page." He turned back to Margaret. "Ready to go?"

"More than ready," she grinned.

"Good." The Doctor grabbed the bangles from Jack and put one on his wrist. He then offered one to Margaret. "For you, my lady." Margaret took one with a sneer and put it on her wrist. The Doctor turned to Kit again. "Remember, two hours." He then turned to Jack. "And make sure Kit's really okay, Jack."

Kit rolled her eyes. "I'm fine. Now go!"

The Doctor didn't look too sure but nodded. He then grabbed Margaret by the arm and dragged her out the door. Kit watched the door close behind them praying to the universe that he'd be okay with Margaret. Kit knew that Margaret would try something. If she didn't then it truly would be her last meal.

Kit frowned. She wasn't sure if she wanted to bring Margaret to her planet anymore. She wasn't sure if she felt comfortable with the idea of sending her to her death. With the Judoon, she thought they deserved it but who was she to say whether or not someone deserved to be punished. She wasn't God. She didn't want to be wrong like last time. She didn't want to make the same mistake. She wanted Margaret to still see that what she did was wrong but she also didn't want her to die over it. It should be simple. Margaret did a bad thing so a bad thing had to happen to her but nothing was simple about that statement. She wished life wasn't so gray. She wanted it to be black and white at that moment. She wanted to be angry again. Angry at Margaret for the lives she took and almost took but every time she tired now, she would just see the terrified looks of the Judoon.

She sighed and looked away from the door. She rubbed her eyes tiredly and contemplated just going to bed. She really just wanted to bury her face into her pillow and sleep for a couple of days.

"Hey, Little Red, can you help me with this?" Jack's voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

Kit grumbled to herself. So much for going to bed, she thought.

She walked over to Jack slowly. She really wasn't in a mood to talk to Jack. She didn't want to bicker or have playful banter. Normally, and she would never say it to his face, she loved the banter. It usually brightened her mood but she just had no energy for it today.

She tried to straighten her back and look less miserable as to not cause Jack any alarm. "What do you need?"

"Right, I'm going to take this cable," he lifted up a cable that was attached to the Tardis. "And plug it into the board. I'm going to flip this switch," he pointed to a switch on the board. "And you're going to look over on the console at the light flashing and tell me if it goes green or red. Got it?"

She nodded. "Yeah, easy enough." She looked over at the light that was flashing yellow.

"Great." Jack grabbed the cable and plugged it into the board. Then, he flipped the switch on it. "How's it looking?"

Kit watched as the light went from flashing yellow to turning into a solid green. "It's green."

Jack smiled brightly. "Perfect. Keep watching that light. If it changes let me know. If all goes according to plan, we should be out of here in about five hours."

Kit forced a smile. "Cool."

Jack looked at her with concern. "Seriously, Little Red, are you good?"

Kit swallowed the lump in her throat. "Yeah, I'm fine." Jack still didn't look convinced. "I'll be fine. I promise."

Jack nodded and carried on with his work. He worked in silence, not saying anymore to her. They stayed like this for some time before Kit started to grow tense thinking about how they only had five hours until they took the Siltheen back to her planet.

"Jack? Can I ask you a question?" She asked finally.

Jack looked up from what he was doing. "What's up?"

Kit bit her lip. "How do we know that what we're doing is right?"

Jack rubbed his chin in thought. "Well, I don't exactly know if the Tardis will be completely compatible to this board but I'm really just—"

"No," Kit cut him off. "Not with this. I'm talking about Margaret or whatever her name is. Is taking her to her planet, to her death—how do we know it's the right decision?"

He stopped working and looked up at her. His eyes grew soft and he gave her a sympathetic look. "Whatever happens, it's not on you, Kit."

She shook her head. "Don't give me that. Not today. Just—just answer the question, how do you know it's right?"

Jack sighed. "We don't. Sometimes you just have to hope for the best."

Kit pressed her lips together in a firm line. She didn't like that answer. "And what if it's not for the best? What if we mess everything up? What if we make things worse? What if –"

"Whoa, kid, slow down," Jack cut her off mid ramble. "Is this really about Margaret or is something else on your mind?"

"Yes—I mean no—I mean… it's complicated," she stammered.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"No!" Kit rushed out. "I mean it's too long of a story and I just—no I just don't want to talk about it."

Jack raised his hand up in surrender. "Alright, alright, you don't have to say anything but I'll tell you this; we can never tell all the time what's right and wrong in the moment, we're all just trying our best. All we can do sometimes is hope that it'll all work out."

Kit bit her lip. "And if it doesn't work out?"

Jack was silent as he watched her carefully. "You can't change the past, Kit. Whatever happened before, you can't change it but you can move on from it. If things go wrong with this Slitheen, you might not be able to change that either but it's important that you learn how to move on from the pain."

"How?" Kit asked thinking over what he said. She wanted to move on, move on from all of it but it seemed truly impossible. She thought she was over it before but now she realized that she merely distracted herself by going from one trip to another.

Jack winced. "Yeah, I'll tell you when I figure it out. I choose to forget through drinking… but don't do that! Basically, do the opposite of everything I do."

Kit rolled her eyes. "I do that already."

"Perfect! You're one step closer to moving on."

"Jack," Kit whined. "This isn't helpful."

"Look, Little Red, I'll be honest when I say I don't know how to move on but I do know that not being able to can eat at you from the inside. It takes a lot of strength… strength I don't have—"

"Jack," Kit tried to start seeing the sadness in his eyes.

Jack raised his hand up for her to stop. "But you need to try. I'd hate to see you in more pain then you're clearly in now."

Kit frowned slightly and thought back to the day her younger self met an older Jack. She remembered that he said to 'never lose that smile of yours, not for anything. Life's going to hit you with some pretty crappy things… remember to smile. Remember the best of times. Don't dwell of the worst.' She wondered if this is what he meant or if there was even more that was going to happen to her, more that she wouldn't be able to move on from. For some reason a shiver ran down her spine. Was there more in store for her? More things that were going to fuck her up? She was terrified just thinking about it.

Maybe I'm just overthinking it… right? she thought. I mean, things in my life can't get worse… right? Right?! She started to feel herself go into a panic.

"Little Red? Kid? Hello? Anyone in there?" Jack snapped her out of her thoughts.

"Hmm? What?"

Jack gave her a curious look. "You know you space out a lot, right?"

She forced a laugh out trying to shake the terror out of her mind. "Yeah, I just overthink."

"Dangerous thing to do. You can talk yourself into believing anything." Jack's eyes softened when he saw Kit frown. "Kittredge take a breath. You're going to overthink yourself into an early grave."

Kit closed her eyes and took a deep breath in. "Right." She shook her head. "You're right."

Jack gave her a smug grin. "Of course I am." This just made Kit roll her eyes. He then grew a little more serious. "Everything's going to be okay, Little Red."

She looked away and down at the ground. She took a deep breath in. She tried not to cry but she could feel the tears trying to spill over. Just then she felt two arms wrap around her and she realized that Jack was pulling her into a hug. She buried her face into his chest and hugged him back. She felt oddly better, like the weight she was feeling was being lifted from her shoulders. It was almost like he was silently offering to carry some of it. As much as Jack annoyed her at times, she felt very lucky to have met him.

She finally felt like she was safe enough to let the tears fall from her eyes. She let out a sob and Jack hugged her tighter without saying a word. He didn't push to know more about why she was crying, and she was grateful for that. All she needed right now was this hug and nothing else.

After some time, she finally pulled away and looked up at him. He gave her a soft smile. "Thank you, Jack."

He let go of her and bent down a little until they were eye to eye. He wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Anytime, Little Red. Got to help my favourite girl after all."

She grinned at him and was about to say more when she saw a flash of red from the corner of her eye. She frowned and looked over to the source of the red light. It was coming from the console and Kit suddenly realized that there was a green light she was supposed to be watching.

Her eyes widened. "Um, Jack? You know that green light that you told me to watch in case it changes colour?"

"Yeah?"

"What does it mean when it changes to red?"

Jack looked over to where she was looking, and his eyes widened like hers. "It means everything is suddenly not okay."