Chapter 43: No Paradise for the Broken-Hearted

A/N- Hey! I'm back with a new chapter. Thank you everyone for the 100 reviews! So, this chapter is sort of a prelude to Bad Wolf and explores the feelings and emotions of everyone going into the episode. Sorry if you were looking forward to starting the Bad Wolf arc but I promise the next chapter will be Bad Wolf. I still hope you enjoy this chapter though.

Smile-Mikky Ekko

We're trying so hard to get it all right

But only feel lonely at the end of the night

And I wanna be somewhere away from this place

Yeah, somewhere just a little closer to grace

I'll smile, the worst is yet to come

We'll be lucky if we ever see the sun

Got nowhere to go, we could be here for a while

But the future is forgiven, so smile

If the Tardis could still talk to her, she was sure it would be rather annoyed. The ship would probably grumble about her throwing herself a pity party. The ship didn't talk to her anymore though, lucky for her, and she was going to have her pity party whether the ship liked it or not.

Kit was sitting in the library where she'd been for the last hour. Sighing occasionally. Pouting when her thoughts went to places she didn't like. She was overthinking again. She couldn't stop. Her mind felt overwhelmed. Felt like it would never shut up and she can't help but think how stupid she was being. She should move on from everything. Just keep going… and maybe never stop. It was exhausting, this never-ending rhythm that her mind seemed to be playing.

When she finally had enough of the endless rhythm and her butt started getting sore from all the sitting, she knew she needed to try something different. Try something new and change how she was thinking. Her Doctor would always say that sitting upside down was the best way to help you think. She never really believed him though but she'd try anything at this point. So, she turned herself around and dangled her head off the end of the couch.

She stayed like that for a moment, waiting for a new thought to emerge. A better thought. Unfortunately, after a couple of minutes of blood rushing to her head, all she was getting was a headache. Or maybe it had nothing to do with being upside down. Maybe it was the events that transpired throughout the day that was giving her a headache.

She knows that she should have gone with the Doctor and Jack to Raxacoricofallapatorius to deliver the egg, but she chose to stay. Rose also chose to stay behind. The Doctor had given them odd looks. Of course, he would be confused. Not too long ago Rose and Kit were excited to go but that was then and neither felt up to it now. The Doctor pushed for an explanation but neither had one, both too stuck in their own heads. Both dealing with a problem that would never be solved. So, both stayed on the Tardis.

Jack had given her a look that clearly said I know you're still upset, don't overthink. That was her plan but all plans change. It was why she was in the library. She thought she would do some reading and get her mind off things, but she couldn't focus on a single word. And slowly but surely, her mind began to overthink, and she started feeling sorry for herself. Her own little pity party. She'd like to think she had every right to feel sorry for herself. Things were shit right now. Just like they always were.

Why does my life have to be so fucking complicated? she thought to herself. She would wonder sometimes what girl's her age were doing. Probably going to school, talking about boys, and how annoying their parents are. She used to be smug about how better and more exciting her life was in comparison but not anymore. Girls her age weren't having an existential crisis because they blow up a ship with living beings in it. Girls her age weren't thinking about life and death. Girls her age didn't make mistakes that could cost her life or other people's. Maybe life wasn't so good in comparison. Maybe she wished for the boring normal life of being a preteen girl.

She groaned and rubbed her eyes. "I fucking hate this."

"Hate what?"

Kit wasn't ready for someone to reply to her. It took her so much by surprise in fact that she lost her balance. Her head hit the ground first with a thud and then the rest of her body followed. She groaned in pain, rubbing her head. The headache that was forming before was now in full force.

"More warning next time, Rose," she insisted grumpily.

"Sorry, Kittredge, thought you heard me come it," Rose said apologetically. "What're you doing anyways?"

"Thinking," she said with a shrug.

Rose gave her a bemused look. "Upside down?"

"I heard it's a good method to use."

"And is it?"

"No. At least not for me," Kit sighed in annoyance. "What're you doing here?"

Rose shrugged. "Thought I'd try taking my mind off things."

"If you're planning on reading, I've already tried that… doesn't work."

Rose sighed and flopped down into the bean bag chair across from Kit. It was then that Kit was finally able to really look at her. Rose had changed out of her clothes into a large sweatshirt and baggy pants. Her hair was no longer in two braids but a messy ponytail. Her makeup was all washed off and were replaced with puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

Kit rarely saw Rose like this. She always had an aura of put-together-ness. Sometimes she would get to see this type of Rose when they would have their "girl time" but other than that Rose kept that thin mask on.

"You okay?" Kit asked. Rose just shrugged and bit her lip. Kit wondered if she was trying not to cry. She wasn't sure if she should push for more or if she should drop it. On one hand maybe Rose needed someone to talk to. On the other hand, it could just make her feel worse. "What happened with Mickey?" She asked, making the decision to push.

Rose sighed. "It's complicated—it—I don't know if you would understand. You might be too young."

Kit straightened, trying to look taller. She didn't like when people underestimated what she could understand based on her age. Although Rose might be right about this one. She had no experience when it came to dating or love for that matter. Still, she wanted to understand and, oddly enough, she wanted to help Rose. She was never good with other people's emotions, but she didn't like seeing Rose like this. A couple of months ago she probably wouldn't have care, but they've gotten somewhat close. There was a tug at her heart seeing Rose this upset and she wanted to do something about it. "Try me."

Rose chewed on her bottom lip and stared at Kit with calculating eyes. Kit assumed Rose was trying to figure out the best way to go about this. After a moment she sighed. "Have you ever felt nostalgic?"

"Yeah," Kit said slowly, unsure where Rose was going with this.

"Okay, right but like for a person."

Kit pressed her lips into a thin line. She thought hard. She supposed she had, every time she was with this Doctor, she would remember hers and feel…wistful. It always came with little things. The little things the Doctor did were reflective of all her Doctors. She would then feel a sort of melancholy. She would think about her Doctor and the times in her life where he did the same thing. Those little things didn't happen a lot; every Doctor was completely different from the last. But he was still the same person and so, he had certain elements that stayed no matter the regeneration. It was hard not to feel a sense of sadness or, now that she thought of it more, nostalgia. "Yes."

"Now what do you think about when you think of this person? All the good times?" Rose questioned. Kit nodded. "Ever the bad times?"

Kit was taken aback by this for some reason. She thought. She thought about the last couple of months and every time she thought of her Doctor. She thought about her time with her Doctor. She thought about right before she came to the past. They had been arguing a lot. Her Doctor was becoming so overprotective, and he was lying in order to do it. It was driving her crazy. She hadn't thought about that since she first came to the past. Every time she thought of her Doctor there were only fond memories now, but things weren't going great before she came here.

Kit frowned and shook her head. Rose gave a sad smile. "S'kay, that's nostalgia for you." She paused for a moment and then said, "Relationships are hard. They get even harder when you break up no matter who did the breaking up, right? Nostalgia reminds you of all the good but leaves out the bad and suddenly you feel like you left the perfect relationship. And I kept thinkin about it while I was with the Doctor."

"The Doctor?" Kit inquired.

Rose nodded. "I kept comparing the two and I thought—I thought maybe Mickey was safer… better…easier." Rose sighed and then shrugged. "I don't know. Me and Mickey, yeah, we've known each other since we were kids. My mum babysat him, and we used to play together. He's always been there for me and it's hard to let go of someone like that, you know? So, I thought I'd try one last time to see for sure if I wanted him back or if it was just nostalgia."

Kit let her word sink in. "Why don't you just stay friends with him? That way you don't have to completely let go and still be able to get into a new relationship." It seemed pretty simple to Kit and didn't understand why Rose was making such a big deal.

Rose gave her a sad smile. "Seems pretty easy, huh? But being friends with your ex… it's never simple and letting someone go is the hardest thing you'll ever do."

Kit weighted the words in her head. There was something about those words that seemed important to her. It was like her mind knew something she didn't and was trying to tell her. Letting someone go is the hardest thing you'll ever do. Those words echoed in her head. She felt a shiver go down her spine.

"Sorry, Kittredge," Rose's voice broke her out of her thoughts. "I'm probably not explaining this well. Kinda just have to go through it yourself to understand."

Kit bit her lip and nodded her head slowly. "So, what happened after we were done with Margret? When you rushed out to see him?"

Rose blinked a couple of times and Kit could see she was trying not to cry. "I realized I'm a rubbish person."

Kit raised her eyebrow. "A rubbish person?"

Rose took a deep breath in. "I left him. When the rift was tearing apart, I ran to you guys, to the Doctor. I didn't even think about Mickey. I just ran without a second thought. Without thinking of him. I spent so much time thinking if he was good for me, I never thought—I never thought if I was good for him."

Kit gaped at Rose. She suddenly felt anger boiling up and could feel her face burning. "Fuck him!"

Rose blinked a couple of times in shock. "Excuse me?"

Kit shrugged. "Fine, screw him, whatever. Better?"

"No! Kittredge, you can't just—"

"I can just, actually. Rose, we were in a crisis. What're supposed to do? You knew we had a dangerous alien with us, and you saw something was wrong with the Tardis. Were you worried about us when things went to shit?" Rose nodded. "Okay, then I ask again, what were you supposed to do?! The problem wasn't happening around Mickey. Were you supposed to stick around him while you knew your friends were in trouble?" Kit raged. "If anyone was the rubbish person it was him. In fact, he was selfish. There are other people in your life other than him now. You can care about more than one person. He'd rather you stay with him than help us? Fuck that. Fuck him."

Rose's jaw had dropped. She just stared at Kit in disbelief. "I—well—it—"

"Rose, you are the least rubbish person I know. Your heart is so big and warm that it actually annoys me," Kit joked, offering Rose a smile. She laughed but Kit could see tears in her eyes. "Your ability to care for people and the kindness you have is the reason why I respect and hate you so much. I can only hope to have an ounce of the heart that you have. If Mickey can't see that or understand that, then he's not better for you, Rose. You're an amazing person. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise."

She was about to say more when she felt herself being tackled. It took her a couple of moments of shock but she soon realized it was Rose hugging her.

"Thank you, Kittredge. I still have a lot to think about but thank you," Rose said, still hugging her tightly.

Kit blinked in surprise. "Oh, yeah… no problem." She patted Rose's back awkwardly. "Are we done hugging now?"

Rose laughed but pulled away. When she did Kit was able to see that Rose was now crying. "Sorry, forgot how you are with hugging."

"Is everything alright?" A voice asked. They looked to see the Doctor in the doorway giving them an odd and bemused look. Kit could understand why he was giving them these odd looks. They were on the floor with tears running down Rose's cheeks and they had just been hugging.

Kit looked back at Rose. She was still slightly crying. Kit wasn't sure if this was tears of sadness or happiness… or even both. "I think I'm alright. Are you alright?" She asked Rose.

Rose nodded and wiped the tears away with her sweatshirt sleeve. "M'okay."

He gave them both skeptical looks. He looked a little uncertain like he was trying to decide whether to push for more or not. "If you're sure," he said slowly. "I was just coming to tell you both that we dropped off the egg and we're going to leave soon once the captain is down flirting." He grumbled the last part.

Kit rolled her eyes. "Leave it to Jack to find someone to flirt with wherever we go."

"Yes, one of his many charming qualities," the Doctor said matching Kit's eye roll. "That does mean we have a little bit of time though in case you both want to check out Raxacoricofallapatorius before we leave," the Doctor suggested looking between the two of them with eyes that suggested that he was still trying to figure out what was wrong with them and what had happened.

Kit bit her lip. She was at a bit of a crossroad. What she wanted to do was tell the Doctor that she didn't care about Raxacoricofallapatorius. She had more pressing matters that needed her time than a stupid planet with a death penalty. She wanted to walk away and go to her room to drown in her misery.

She looked at Rose's sad face and wondered if her face looked much the same. The other part of her didn't want to feel this way anymore; wanted to take Jack's advice and stop overthinking. He was right after all, it'll put her in an early grave. If she left to her room, she might never get out. She might drown so far that she'll never breathe again. She couldn't let that happen. She couldn't let her misery win and she couldn't let Rose drown with her. Rose definitely didn't look as depressed as before but she still wasn't all the way back. If she could push them both just a little bit more then maybe they could get out of the slumps they were in.

Kit straightened and put on her best happy face. "We should check it out."

Rose's eyes snapped to her. She looked surprised at her suggestion. Even the Doctor looked slightly take aback like he didn't expect Kit to agree so quickly. Or maybe he didn't think she'd be the one to agree at all.

"Really?" Rose said uncertainly.

Kit shrugged. "Yeah, why not?"

"I don't know…"

"Come on, Rose. Someone has to save whatever poor creature Jack's laid his eyes on," she joked. She could still see Rose's doubt. "Don't let him do this to you. You deserve more than that. You deserve to be happy."

Rose closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When her eyes opened again, they seemed to have changed. Her eyes had a determination in them, a fire once again. She smiled. "Okay, yeah, let's see Raxaco… Raxacoris— Raxacoricofallapatorius," Rose smiled in triumph. Kit got up and held out her hand. Rose took it and Kit helped her stand.

The Doctor was looking at them with odd looks. "Did I miss something?"

"Yes," Kit said simply. "You did but it's okay now… at least for the most part."

"Right, well, I'm glad but before you leave, I was actually hoping to talk to you Kit," the Doctor said.

Ah, Kit thought. Should have realized there was more.

Kit didn't like when the Doctor said the word talk. It was never a good thing to hear in her experience. She wasn't sure if she should stay or find an excuse to leave. She was sure this was going to be about her sudden shift in mood with Margret.

She chewed on her lip. "Um, I guess we can." She turned to Rose. "You go ahead, I won't be long." I hope, Kit thought. Rose gave them suspicious looks but nodded anyway and left the library. Once Rose was completely gone from sight she turned back to the Doctor "What's up?"

He looked slightly uncomfortable like he wasn't sure how to approach what he was going to say. "I talked to Jack."

Her heart sank. Yep, this is definitely going to be about her change in mood. "Oh? And what did he say?" She tried to play innocent.

"He said that I should talk to you. That you were more upset than you were letting on." Paused searching her eyes. "Is that true?"

She opened her mouth but nothing came out. She wasn't sure what to say. Yes, it was true. She was more upset than she was letting on but she didn't want him to know that. If he knew then he'd poke and probe. He'd ask more questions; want more answers and she didn't think she could hold it all together if he did.

She felt a sudden rush of anger. She was going to kill Jack. What she told him was between him and her and no one else. As angry as she was, she knew it wasn't true and it only made sense for him to go to the Doctor.

He sighed and rubbed his hand over his short hair. "Look, I know we've had a bit of a rocky relationship but seeing Margaret hurt you both physically and clearly emotionally… it well—it affected me more than I thought. It made me realize I haven't been fair. You're in a rough situation and you should be leaning on me for help. I shouldn't be making you go through it all alone. I'm sure whatever is going on in your head you would've gone to your Doctor for help. You should still feel that way but I'm sure I haven't made you feel like you could."

Kit just stared at him in shock not sure what to say. The Doctor waited but when it was clear she wasn't going to respond he continued. "I might be the last person you want to go to for help. I get it. I'm not your Doctor. This Doctor," he gestured to himself. "Is not the easiest to talk to. I'm not the best with human emotions and feelings but…" he paused for a moment. "But I do care about you and how you feel."

Kit just stood there. It was a lot to take in. She didn't expect him to say all that. It almost made her want to cry. She had to wonder though; would she have talked to her Doctor about this. She never did before but she didn't want to bring that up now. This Doctor was exposing himself to her. He had only done that once with her back with the empty child.

This felt different though. It felt softer. The last time was like a handshake but this time was a hug of sorts. A gesture of love if you will. She knew it was something he didn't do often. At least not this Doctor.

Although she had some conflict within her whether to talk to him or not, she knew that if he was being honest with her then maybe she should be honest with him too.

She bit the inside of her cheek. "It's about my past… a little bit of your future." That was another reason for her being hesitant. Was it even a good idea to tell him everything? Would it bring more problems?

The Doctor pushed his lips together in a thin line clearly thinking it over. "You don't have to tell me everything… just keep it vague."

Kit sighed. "I—I messed up. I—a couple of years ago, I messed up and it cost people their lives. I thought at the time I was doing the right thing. I thought I was doing justice or whatever," she said bitterly. "I thought they deserved it but instead I was just killing one to save another. It was my fault. I guess the thought of bringing someone to their death, playing God again, brought up old emotions."

The Doctor was quiet. "How old were you?"

Kit shrugged. "Ten I think."

He took a sharp breath in through his nose. "I'm so sorry, Kit."

She winced. Her Doctor said the same thing to her when it happened. She felt a ball of anger forming in her stomach. Sorry didn't help when her Doctor said it and it wasn't helping now.

"Don't. Please don't say that," she stressed.

"But Kit it wasn't your fault."

"How can you say that?" Kit snapped. "You don't even know what happened."

"You're right, I don't know what happened but what I do know is that you were ten, Kit. Ten! And you're still so young. These are the times to make mistakes and grow from them but you live in a world where those mistakes cost you more than they should. That's not your fault. That shouldn't be your fault and it still isn't your fault. You should be learning from the tiny mistakes not breaking from these giant ones and for that, I am so sorry Kittredge." Kit was again at a loss for words. The Doctor continued, "But I can't take back your life with me and you're here now, so I want to do my best to make sure that you're okay. That you won't have to suffer from the big mistakes alone."

Kit looked down at her shoes trying to process everything he said. It was a lot to take in. She felt a little overwhelmed but there was also another feeling that surprised her. She felt relief. She was relieved because she could tell the Doctor was still uncomfortable and he was finally acknowledging it. She felt relief because she now knew she could actually talk to someone who knew she was from the future. She felt relief because this Doctor wanted to talk to her, something that her Doctor didn't always do.

"I—" Her voice sounds so small without meaning to. "Thank you."

She felt a hand on her shoulder, and she looked up to see the Doctor with a reassuring smile. "It's going to be okay, Kittredge. You'll be back with your Doctor before you know it and you won't have to deal with me or any of this." There was a flicker of something in his eyes that Kit couldn't quite place. It looked sort of like worry or maybe uncertainty. It disappeared as quickly as it came though. It made Kit think. She wondered if there was any truth behind those words and she wondered if the Doctor believed them as much as she did.

She got a sinking feeling in her stomach. She tried her best to ignore it but the more she thought about the Doctor's words and the more she thought about the fact that maybe she really would be back before she knew it, the worse that sinking feeling got.

"Yeah, maybe," Kit said quietly. She wanted to get off this topic now. It wasn't making her feel good. She was literally feeling sick to her stomach. "We should probably check up on Jack and Rose. Who knows what trouble they got themselves in while we were gone?"

There was another emotion they flashed in his eyes but this one was harder to place. "You're probably right." There was something calculating in his eyes. "Lead the way."

She started walking out of the library but she couldn't stop thinking about the look in the Doctors eyes. Maybe the Doctor was feeling that sinking feeling too. Maybe that's why there was a flicker in his eyes. Maybe he was ignoring the truth just like her. Maybe the universe was telling them both that they were wrong, very, very wrong.