It had been three weeks since Shawn had last seen him, three whole weeks of avoiding the Chiefs calls and avoiding Gus because he knew if he saw his friend it would just lead to him spilling his guts, and he didn't think he could handle Gus's reaction to what he'd done.

Him and Jules were fine, she didn't seem to suspect anything was up, only showed concern with Shawns lack of motivation with catching criminals, or annoying Lassiter, usually those things brought him great joy, he always got a twinkle in his eye and his mood always lifted when he'd snoop on them talking about a new case, but not now.

Now Shawn was avoiding the station, and any local areas he might spot Lassiter at like the plague, he tried avoiding Juliet as well, but knew if he even wanted a shred of his happiness to remain now that Lassiter had ripped his heart out, stomped all over it, -then ran it over with his car for good measure- he had to keep Juliet close, he needed her to feel special, because she was special, no matter what Shawn did, she was always there, and he knew if she ever found out about this she wouldn't be there, she was amazing, it wasn't her fault she fell for a fuck up like Shawn, someone who obviously didn't care about anyone but himself.

He worried at first that Lassiter had maybe told her about their discretions, but after the only mention of him from Juliets mouth was the occasional "he's been especially grumpy lately" paired with the fact that he knew Lassie was too prideful to ever tell anyone what he had done, with Shawn of all people, he knew that wasn't something to be proud of, even if Shawn had been in love with the man for years now, he knew they weren't really friends, sure Lassiter had developed a grudging respect for who he was and what he did, but he still thought of him as an immature man-child who was nothing but a conman, and he was right.

To say that Shawn hated himself would be an understatement, he was so beyond disgusted with himself he couldn't look at himself in the mirror for more than five minutes at a time, which is how he ended up looking more frazzled than usual, his shirts more wrinkled and stained, and his hair drooping down into his eyes rather than sticking straight up with all the chemicals and gels in it's perfection, he hadn't shaved for days and he was sporting more than a five o' clock shadow.

He was doing one of his daily trips out of town on his bike, when he stopped at his usual smoothie stand, when after inspecting it for about ten minutes, -no one he knew was in sight- He walked slowly up to the stand where Jimmy, the nice man who ran the cozy stand, let a wide grin spread over his face

"Shawn! My favorite customer, how have you been, you getting your usual?"

"Uh not today Jim, I'm gonna branch out and try one of those really healthy thingies you always recommend"

Jimmy looked stunned as he pulled out his ingredients for the digestive health smoothie he recommended to anyone- usually over the age of fifty-

"Sure thing Shawnie boy, what's the occasion?"

Shawn smiled to himself at the nickname, he knew if everyone else abandoned him, at least he'd still be on good terms with the smoothie guy

"Haven't really been getting much exercise lately, and figured just filling up on sweets wouldn't be the best idea if I wanna stay a lady killing machine"

He winked, dropping his voice low enough to whisper it as if it were the secrets of the universe

Jimmy made a scandalized face and laughed heartily "I thought you got plenty of exercise being a cop and all"

Shawn got tense for a brief moment before putting up his usual bravado

"Psychic detective actually" he corrected, smiling smugly before he continued "besides, they suspended me for being too good, they needed time to learn how to solve cases on their own again"

He was so caught up in the conversation that he didn't notice someone angrily approaching him

"Shawn!" Came the upset voice of one Burton Guster

"Shit!" Shawn cursed as he gathered his smoothie and started to jog towards his bike, pretending he was none the wiser about Gus being there, angrily shouting his name, full on sprinting towards him- oh god he took of running chucking his smoothie in the trash ignoring the affronted gasp from Jim

"Sorry buddy!" he shouted as he rounded a corner and started climbing a fire escape. Wow he was really going through a lot of effort to avoid this huh? He'd surprised himself with how much the topic actually hurt, he'd been rejected plenty of times before, but nothing stung quite as much as putting your heart on the line for someone you've been trying to get the attention of for years then having them reciprocate your feelings for a moment, just to turn it around on you and act like it meant nothing.

He realized he got so lost in thought that he had gotten to the roof of some apartment complex, and he was just staring over the edge, it was high, definitely high enough to- No Shawn, he reprimanded himself, not like this.

"Shawn!" He turned around to see his best friend coming towards him at a fast pace, he was angered before, but once he made eye contact with Shawn, his face immediately softened, and he slowed down to inch closer to him, watching him like he was a skittish wild animal he might scare away if he makes the wrong move.

"Shawn? Why are you avoiding everyone? And why are you up on this roof crying?" The tone was gentle, careful, as Gus approached him and stood next to him to look over the city. Crying? He lifted his fingers up to gently brush under his eyes, huh, he had been crying, he hadn't even noticed, weird.

"Shawn, you're not up here to…. Try that again are you?"

Shawn stood silent, staring out at the bright lights as the sun started to set and commotion of Santa Barbara, why couldn't he be that happy? Why did he always seem to get in his own way? The thing Gus had been talking about was his suicide attempt, no one had known about it but Gus, his dad had been on weekend fishing trip, it was right after his mom had left so he was never really home, Shawn was old enough to take care of himself so he had no problem with it, him and Gus would have sleepovers, watch movies all night, and eat nothing but junk, and no one could tell them otherwise. That night in particular though, Gus hadn't been able to make it, and Shawn was all alone

*Flashback*

Shawn was upset, his dad was gone, and Gus had told him that his parents said he was staying the night too much, and once in a while he should have dinner with his family. So Shawn had done nothing but sit in front of the tv, which had gotten so boring he couldn't even enjoy the taboo of watching a movie that was way too mature for him, he got up from the couch and wandered upstairs to his dads room, once inside he decided to snoop around, going to the drawer in his nightstand, he found a framed photo of Henry and his very pregnant mom, smiling and looking happy, not a care in the world it seemed, "until they had me" Shawn thought bitterly as he picked up a letter that was underneath the photo, it was addressed to Henry, -unsealed and slightly rumpled- he gingerly opened it and took out the letter inside, careful not to mess it up further, bracing himself for the contents, he began to read.

"Dear Henry, I know this is hard for you, I never meant to just up and leave, we were so happy for such a long time, but when we had Shawn things changed, you became more distant and invested in your work, and I became more envious of our own son for getting the time I used to share with you, I know it isn't fair, and I love goose, of course I do, but you and I both know he wasn't planned. I didn't expect to feel this way after having a child, I just don't think I'm cut out to be a mother, I haven't lived my life enough Henry, I'm just not ready to be done experiencing what it has to offer. I know I can't make it up to you, but maybe I can make you understand, I think you'll be a great father to Shawn, be something I never could to him, a parent. Take care of yourself Henry, - love Maddie"

Shawn stood with his mouth open and tears streaming down his face, this letter had confirmed what he always thought, he was the reason his mom left, he was the reason Henry turned bitter and angry, he split them up, and he hadn't even meant to. He made people miserable without even trying.

He was such a fuck up, his first instinct had been to call Gus, he had never felt like this before, his breathing was heavy and erratic, and his vision was coming in and out, he was shaking violently as he picked up the phone in his dads room, ready to dial the Gusters and tell them it was an emergency, when a thought occurred to him, Gus. Gus probably didn't even like him, Shawn coaxed him into doing things that always ended with them getting in trouble, sure they had been friends since they were five, but it was probably because Gus wasn't good at making friends, and being friends with Shawn was just easiest.

He wasn't thinking clearly as he exited his dads room, went down the hall to the bathroom and sat on the floor, still clutching the letter in his hand, he grabbed the first thing he saw, which happened to be his fathers straight razor that Shawn had borrowed days prior, forgetting to return it after he had shaved what little facial hair he was able to grow to impress a girl at school he liked.

Putting it to his wrist felt natural, slicing into it just felt like the next thing he should do, the only thought in his head was eliminate the problem, and he was the problem. If he died his parents could be happy again, Gus could find someone who treated him better, and everyone would forget about Shawn in a matter of time, move on with their lives and and enjoy them.

cutting into his other wrist hurt more, he was losing a lot of blood already, and it took more effort to cut as deeply as he had the other one, it stung, but he didn't care, the pain he felt inside was numbed by his bleeding wrists.

He was so close to passing out that when he heard his name being called he didn't think it was real, he heard the muffled voice growing closer but was too tired to move or hide, if it was an intruder, maybe they could come in and finish the job, his dad would be mad about the valuables that would most likely be stolen, but be delighted when he found out his son had died.

The voice grew ever closer, approaching the bathroom now, the door was still ajar, so he could hear it clearer now, "Shawn? Are you here?" "My parents wouldn't let me come over, so I had to wait until they were asleep to sneak over, man please don't be asleep too, I was looking forward to watching that new rated R movie, I don't even know how you got your hands on it, but-"

The sentence had cut off abruptly, right outside the bathroom, Shawns foggy brain just now catching up to him recognized the voice as Gus, Shawn was happy, at least his hallucination was of his best friend, and not his parents yelling at him, telling him how relieved they were gonna be to have him out of their lives.

"Shawn?" The voice cracked with emotion, suddenly hallucination Gus was rushing to his side, grabbing towels and covering his bleeding wrists with them, asking Shawn if he was alive, and why he did this, saying he needed to call an ambulance and so on, the tone was rushed and pitiful. The feel of Gus's hand on him was comforting as he drifted in and out of consciousness, wait, hallucination Gus's hand shouldn't feel so real and warm, his voice shouldn't be so clear and worried, it should be angry at Shawn for not doing it sooner, happy that his "friend" was finally not a burden on him anymore- oh shit, this was real, Gus was real, and he had found him like this, broken and ready to end it all, and he cared Gus cared about him, he was Gus's only real friend and he was gonna leave him.

"L-letter" he croaked, it was getting harder to speak now, harder to breathe and move, he was getting closer to the edge, his eyes were closed and he couldn't see Gus anymore, only feel him as he shifted to grab the letter that lay on the floor next to Shawns barely conscious form.

"Oh god no" he heard Gus exclaim, but it was far away, he was sitting right next to him but could barely make out what he was saying, it was muffled, like he was underwater and sinking further every second, what woke him up from his metaphorical slumber was one word, "dad" his eyes snapped open and he was suddenly aware of every detail surrounding him, Gus was gonna call his dad

He grabbed Gus as he was about to get up and rush to the phone, "No!"

It came out weak but it was enough to stop Gus, "He can't know" he finished, his dad couldn't know that he had tried and failed, if he thought Shawn was a disappointment already it would just re affirm that, his son couldn't even do him a favor and kill himself right

He felt Gus shift and saw him grab the first aid kit under the sink, he felt Gus cleansing his wounds and wrapping them tightly, the last thing he felt before passing out was Gus hoisting him up into his arms and carrying him to his bed.

*End Flashback*

"Shawn?" Gus's voice startled him out of his memories, he turned towards his friend, seeing the concern and worry etched into his face, and he broke.

He collapsed into Gus, sobbing so hard it shook him, Gus gave a startled gasp but just held on to him tightly, smoothing down his unruly hair and rubbing small circles into his back, they ended up sinking to the ground by the ledge, Shawn still unable to talk properly through his gasps and sobs, Gus just continued to hold him, shaken by his own memories of what had happened, he swore from that day on that no matter what, he would stick by Shawns side, because he needed him. Now regretting how he had blown up at Shawn a couple weeks ago.

When he hadn't seen or heard from Shawn after he left the party he feared the worst had happened, so he searched high and low for him, about to give up and call the police and report a missing person's, he spotted him in front of that smoothie stand, his hair longer and more unkempt than it should be, dark circles under his eyes, and he was skinny, too skinny to be his friend that ate almost all the time

So he just sat there, tearing up at the sight of his friend collapsed in his lap grasping on to his legs, ruining his new pants with snot and tears, but he didn't care, he needed to be here for Shawn, no matter what.

After about half an hour, Shawn had calmed down, his weeps had turned to soft sniffling and his grip had loosened to the point of being almost non existent, after he heard the first snore was when he realized that Shawn had tired himself out so much he passed out, and Gus continued to sit there.

Making sure Shawn was fully asleep, he scooped the man into his arms and carried him back down the building, not caring about the looks he was getting as he entered the elevator, once it reached the bottom floor, he exited the complex, still carrying Shawn as he walked all the way back to his own house, it was a workout all right, but it was worth it, Shawn looked like he hadn't slept in days, weeks even, and he wasn't about to wake him up, he needed this.

As he made it to his house, arms burning with effort and legs numb, he found it difficult to unlock his door without stirring the man, but managed nonetheless, he flicked his lights on as he entered and made his way to his bedroom, gently laying Shawn on his bed, taking off his shoes and tucking him under the blanket.

Shawn looked defeated, and as he left his bedroom, making up the couch to sleep on, he decided that whatever had Shawn so down could wait until tomorrow, or whenever he was ready to talk about it, he was here, and he wouldn't abandon his friend ever again.