16. Shopping with Snape.
The weekend arrived with a bustle of activity as the students prepared for the trip into Hogsmeade. Yet it was just before they were due to leave that the three Star Fleet officers were asked to go to the Headmaster's office, though the reason was not given. They ascended the spiralling stair case nervously, not sure what quite to expect when the doors opened to them.
A large room assaulted their senses, the books all around hiding the fact that there had to be walls. Portraits jostled and shoved once they realised that the entrants to the room were not the usual students, but instead three adults. Whispered conversations drifted down to them, the occupants of the portraits doing nothing to disguise the fact that they were curious.
"...them! The aliens!"
"They're not aliens, they're travellers!" One of the portraits argued.
"They come from the stars. The Muggles call these people aliens!" The first voice countered.
"Then where are the gaudy green antlers and purple faces?" The second voice sneered.
At this, a third voice chimed in, this belonging to the man behind the desk who had looked up when the door had opened. "Only the Muggles depict aliens as having green antlers and purple faces, Tobias," Dumbledore said patiently. "We have had no evidence to suggest that this is true in reality." He turned to face the three gaping men in the doorway. "Welcome," he said grandly and with a twinkle in his eye, "to my office. Please, take a seat and help yourselves to a Bertie Bott's Every Flavour bean."
They sat down and the two humans happily took a bean each, neither noticing Spock's slight glance with Dumbledore.
Kirk chewed in consideration. "Strawberry," he muttered as he swallowed. "It's a lot juicier than I expected."
"What did you expect?" If they didn't know better, they would classify that tone as impish.
"Something vaguely resembling strawberry. It seems that I've spent too much time among replicators. They're not very accurate..."
McCoy, meanwhile, had been turning steadily greener. "I need a bucket."
"A bucket?" Kirk asked.
"A bucket damn it," McCoy repeated, his mouth clenched around the sweet.
"Swallow it," Dumbledore recommended. "It will get rid of the taste. And, coincidentally, it would create much less mess on my newly cleaned carpet..."
McCoy blinked angrily at him but the wizard only continued to smile humorously. Finally, he rolled his eyes, clenched his jaw in preparation and then swallowed, his body shivering as he did so. "Yuck," he said finally.
"I've known some people to hate sweets, Bones, but I never thought you'd be one of them."
"I got vomit!" McCoy spat angrily, still glaring at Dumbledore. "Who in their right mind would make a vomit flavoured sweet?"
"I suspect that no one would," Dumbledore said affably. "Though I have no idea what the mental condition of Bertie was when he created these..."
"You knew that this would happen!"
"I did have a sneaking suspicion, yes," Dumbledore conceded, his eyes still twinkling.
McCoy sputtered for a moment or two, and Kirk burst out laughing. Spock simply looked mildly amused, although it was hard to tell.
"I didn't know you did practical jokes, Professor," Kirk finally said in between snickers.
Dumbledore's eyes continued to glitter mischievously. "Oh come now, Captain, it is hardly my place to prank students. Now, all trivialities aside, there is something of importance which I mean to discuss with you. I am sure that I don't need to remind you of the upcoming Hogsmeade event. However," he added seriously, "simply because the school year has begun does not mean that there is no more danger."
"Are you suggesting that we remain in the castle?" Spock asked.
Dumbledore shook his head. "I don't wish to deny you one of the few opportunities to see the wizarding world. Yet there will remain certain people who wish to capture you in order to return Voldemort. While I know that I cannot keep you locked away in the castle, I do not want you to suffer an attack when you cannot defend yourselves."
"What do you propose?" Spock asked curiously.
"That you once again allow Professor Snape to accompany you. He is a proficient dueller and I have every confidence in his abilities to keep you away from harm."
"Will he be with us constantly?" Kirk asked warily.
"Of course, Captain," Dumbledore replied. "He will need to be able to notice every threat after all, including spoken ones by people you may meet in Hogsmeade."
"Does he agree to this?" Kirk asked grimly.
"I did manage to convince him, after a little persuasion," Dumbledore said lightly, his face crinkling into a not-quite smile. "I also took the liberty of warning him – once again – not to insult you too much, although I can of course make no promises."
"We understand," Kirk replied, also smiling in spite of himself at the image of Dumbledore holding this conversation with Snape.
Dumbledore nodded and sat back in his chair. "Then it is settled." His eyes gained a mischievous quality once more. "I don't suppose I could interest any of you in another sweet?"
"No," McCoy said shortly. "I'm still recovering from the last one."
"It was worth a try," Kirk quipped to the wizard as he stood.
Dumbledore smiled. "Severus will meet you in the Entrance Hall in ten minutes," he simply said. "Now, although I have warned him not to argue with you, I must ask that you do not provoke him. He has a wand, and you don't." His eyes twinkled once more as he allowed that statement to sink in.
"We'll...keep that in mind, Professor," Kirk finally said.
"Then I hope you enjoy yourselves, and do try not to attract too much attention," he said pointedly, glancing between McCoy and Spock.
"I'll make sure they won't," Kirk promised, grinning.
Giving one final nod to the Headmaster, the three officers climbed once more down the spiral stair case and almost ran straight into three teenage blurs.
"Blimey," one of them, who turned out to be Ron, coughed as he stumbled to a halt, "we've been searching the whole castle for you! You're late."
"The Headmaster wanted to speak with us," Kirk explained.
"You are allowed into Hogsmeade, aren't you?" Ron asked. "We have to show you Zonko's..."
"We're allowed," Kirk began grimly.
"But Professor Snape needs to come with us," McCoy added, equally grim.
"Snape?" Harry demanded in sympathetic astonishment.
"Trust him to not let you escape for a few hours of freedom."
"It's probably just for security, Ron," Hermione pointed out.
"Yeah, but Snape?"
"Professor Dumbledore assured us that he is quite proficient at duelling, should we be recognised or targeted on the streets."
"He's a Death Eater!"
"Ron!" Hermione admonished, glancing warily around them before beckoning everyone to be quieter.
"Ron's right," Harry interjected. "Snape's a Death Eater, so we can't trust him not to turn them in."
"Of course we can," Hermione snapped, although she did not look completely sure of herself. "If Dumbledore trusts him then we ought to as well."
Ron and Harry both snorted, but did not say any more as they had by now reached the Entrance Hall. Snape was standing there dressed, as always, in black from head to foot and looking, as always, slightly angry at something or other.
"You're late," he snapped when they finally stopped in front of him. "The rest of the students have already left."
"Sorry sir," the majority of the group immediately grumbled.
"Professor Dumbledore has filled you in?"
"Affirmative," Spock answered.
Snape nodded. "Good. Now, although I am to be your – for lack of a better word – bodyguard, I expect you to remain vigilant at all times. I can hardly defend you against danger if you just run blindly into it."
"Yes sir," they chorused.
Snape turned his head back towards the three teenagers. "Potter, Weasley, Granger, don't you have somewhere to be?"
"We were just waiting for them," Harry explained.
"I have no recollection of giving you permission to do so, Potter," Snape drawled. "As it is, three is enough to care for and you," his eyes darted to Harry's scar and settled on it for a moment, "would only make the group much more conspicuous."
"We just wanted to show-"
"I didn't ask your opinion on the matter, Mr Potter," Snape said smoothly. "This is not a subject open to interpretation. Believe it or not, I am capable of acting as a tour guide," his curled lip indicated his less than pleased thoughts on the matter, "and I do not need your help, nor do I want it. Hogsmeade is difficult enough to travel through without your constant entourage of adoring fans."
Harry looked angry enough to curse the Potions Master, but Hermione was tugging insistently on his arm, her expression anxious as she looked from Snape to Harry and then back again. With one final glare at Snape, Harry obediently stepped out of the castle, leaving the group of adults behind them.
"Git," a muffled voice spat as they walked away.
"Twenty points from Gryffindor, Weasley," Snape called. "If I catch you saying that for a third time you will receive a rather unpleasant detention!" He turned stiffly back to the three officers. "Ready? Then let's go." With that, he swept out of the door.
McCoy rolled his eyes. "This is going to be a barrel of laughs," he muttered as he followed the taciturn Potions Master.
An eyebrow ascended the increasingly well worn route to Spock's hairline. "Doctor, a laugh is not a physical object. To expect it to form a barrel is highly illogical."
"Never mind," McCoy groaned as they caught up with Snape.
Kirk chuckled and slapped Spock on the shoulder. "Don't worry. I promise you I'll make a dictionary of human idioms."
"Such a dictionary would no doubt be too large and cumbersome to carry."
Kirk grinned. "I'll make it pocket sized. If you're good," he teased, "I might even write 'Don't Panic' on the front."
"For what purpose would I endeavour to panic? I am a Vulcan; such emotions are alien to me."
Kirk's grin only grew wider even as McCoy groaned. "You've never read "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" have you?"
Spock gave him a look. "Regrettably, I have not."
"I'll buy you a copy."
"Jim," McCoy hissed, "you're talking about the most illogical book known to man! Are you sure he can handle it?"
"I'm sure he'd find it...'fascinating'. Professor, is there a bookshop which sells Muggle books around here?"
Snape nodded. "The Abterminal. I shall take you there first, since we appear to have no other destination."
Keeping an eye out for danger but still chatting amongst themselves, they gradually made their way to The Abterminal, a seemingly small looking shop which expanded when they stepped through, rows and rows of books clamouring around them on over burdened shelves. Every single shelf seemed to lead back to a point in the middle, where a short woman was sitting at a desk. The effect was that the shop was laid out much like the spokes of a wheel.
"Now I know where it gets its name..." Kirk muttered.
"This effect is reminiscent of Doctor Who."
McCoy did a double take. "You watched Doctor Who?"
Spock nodded. "Despite the numerous scientific inaccuracies, my mother did insist upon it. It was a fascinating insight to Earth culture."
"Yet you've never heard of "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy"," Kirk said, shaking his head in mock sadness.
"I regret if my omission has caused you some distress, Captain."
Snape, not having any idea of what they were talking about and having long ago grown impatient of watching them stand in the doorway bantering, gave a brief sigh of annoyance. "The Muggle section is over there," he said, pointing at a section with a sign marked "M" floating steadily above it. "Perhaps you would care to look?" He added sarcastically.
"Alright," Kirk announced, rubbing his hands and approaching the formidably high bookshelves as though he was approaching a climbing wall, "off we go!"
They began sifting through rows upon rows of books, calling out titles of books which they had already read, or books that simply sounded ridiculous.
"Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency..." McCoy muttered as he walked past the book. "Never heard of that one."
"The Dark Dark Hole of Eternal Doom," Kirk chuckled as he too carried on searching. "A friend of mine read that."
"What happened?" McCoy asked.
"He became afraid of heights..."
"Perhaps," Snape suddenly drawled, making the two humans jump slightly, "you should simply allow me to look?"
"Professor, I don't think you'll find it," McCoy said wearily as he glanced at another copy.
"There are ways of retrieving things by magic, Mister McCoy," Snape reminded them. "It is much more efficient..." with a simple flick of his wand, a book whizzed out of the shelf, narrowly missing McCoy's nose as he bent down to look at another book.
"I was about to find that," McCoy groaned. Snape simply smirked at him and handed the book to Kirk.
"The Trilogy of Four," Kirk read. "This is it!"
Snape produced a bag of coins and pulled out a Galleon. "Here," he said simply, thrusting the coin at Kirk. When Kirk simply stared at it, he sighed in annoyance. "It is simply a piece of currency; it is not going to bite you."
"Professor, you don't have to-"
"How else do you propose to pay for it?" Snape smirked when he received no answer. "Professor Dumbledore has once again provided me with a sufficient amount of money to buy anything you need. Of course," he added pointedly, "it will only work if you take the money..."
Kirk took it. "Thank you."
"I will pass your thanks on to Professor Dumbledore."
Kirk paid for the book and gave it to a slightly confused and yet even more curious Spock, who simply stared at it.
"The customary response is 'thank you', you pointy eared hobgoblin," McCoy grumbled.
"Captain, it was not necessary for you to purchase this for me."
"Now that's gratitude," McCoy snorted under his breath.
"I want you to read it," Kirk said impishly, "and it's easier to find here than in our own universe. It would probably be antique at home."
"A logical process of reasoning, Captain."
"I'm guessing you approve then."
"Indeed," Spock replied, his eyes smiling.
"I am not a human purse," Snape protested when Kirk attempted to give the change back to him. "You may keep the change. You might need to spend it and I can hardly hold onto it for you."
"...right," was all Kirk could think of to say as Snape started out of the shop.
"You handled that well," McCoy snorted, a grin plastered over his face as they followed the Potions Master.
They walked into him, not having been looking where they were going.
"What's going on?" McCoy asked once he'd regained his balance and Snape had stopped glaring at him.
"Mister Potter, Mister Weasley and Miss Granger have just entered the Hogs Head," Spock reported.
"Is that important?"
Snape turned to face McCoy disdainfully. "It is a pub," he said simply, "as I told you on our first visit here."
"And students are not allowed to drink there," Kirk added unnecessarily.
"An ingenious deduction," Snape drawled sarcastically.
"Are we going to kick them out of there?" McCoy asked, clearly not wanting to get the three teenagers into trouble.
"Obviously," Snape said, already moving off into the pub, the others following him. Once inside, he swept quickly over to the bar and sat down with his back to the students, making sure that they were close by in order to hear them, but not close enough for them to be suspected of being heard.
"I thought you were going to throw them out," Kirk commented as they sat down by him.
"They are obviously in here for a reason," Snape explained patiently. "I will find out what it is."
"Why not just ask them?" McCoy asked in exasperation.
"I doubt they would tell me," Snape said simply.
The bartender, a tall, overweight man in a greasy looking vest which might once have been white, lumbered over to them. "What do you want?" He demanded.
"Nothing," Snape answered shortly.
"Then get out of my bar. This spot is reserved for people who order."
"There is no one here," Spock pointed out reasonably.
"Who asked you, pixie?" The bartender snarled.
"I am not a pixie."
"Oh yeah?" The man asked, peering at Spock's ears, "Then what are they?"
"Ears."
"Are you trying to be funny?"
"It would never occur to me."
"We will have a scotch," Snape finally said.
"I thought you weren't having anything."
Snape's jaw hardened. "Clearly I have changed my mind. Do you want customers or not?"
"Alright, alright," the man said, holding up his hands but throwing a filthy look at all of them. "One scotch coming up..." He shuffled over to the other side of the bar.
"Do any of you drink scotch?" Snape asked.
Kirk opened his mouth but McCoy kicked him in the foot and shook his head for the both of them. "Jim, you are not getting drunk."
"It's just one scotch, Bones."
"No." McCoy enunciated. "We don't need you getting into a brawl."
Kirk sighed. "It looks like you'll have to drink it, Spock."
Spock's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "Vulcans do not ingest alcohol."
"Professor Snape doesn't drink," Kirk said quietly as the bartender brought Snape a filthy glass, slammed it on the table and walked away, "and McCoy won't let me or himself drink anything here. But everyone knows that Vulcans are not affected by alcohol."
Spock looked dubiously at the glass, noticing the streaks of dirt across it and the liquid which had sloshed over the side to land on the table. "Nevertheless, drinking such a beverage in this establishment would be severely detrimental to my health."
"In that case," Kirk said, leaning over to grab the drink, "let me deal with this."
"Jim, I told you-"
"Relax Bones. I have my methods." With that, he tipped his head back and pretended to drink, his eyes looking over the rim of the glass at the bartender. When the man seemed satisfied that he had customers and turned away, he turned to the side and poured half of it onto the floor.
"Captain," Spock said, his eyebrows climbing, "that is hardly sanitary."
"I doubt anyone here would notice," Kirk replied. "The floor looks dirty enough as it is." He placed the glass back onto the table. "Sorry about that Professor. I can always find a way to pay you back."
Snape silenced them with a hand gesture, and they realised with a start that several more people had already filed into the pub and were currently sitting around the three Gryffindors. Fortunately, none of them had recognised the adults at the bar.
"...might be good," Hermione was saying to the group at large, "if people who wanted to study Defence Against the Dark Arts – and I mean, really study it, you know, not the rubbish that Umbridge is doing with us because nobody could call that Defence Against the Dark Arts...Well, I thought it would be good if we, well, took matters into our own hands."
There was a brief pause as everyone seemed to digest this. Snape's eyes had widened in understanding.
"And by that," Hermione continued, "I mean learning how to defend ourselves properly, not just in theory but doing the real spells-"
"You want to pass your Defence Against the Dark Arts OWL too, though, I bet?" Someone asked.
"Of course I do," came the immediate reply. "But more than that, I want to be properly trained in defence because...because..." she seemed to hesitate for a moment, "because Lord Voldemort is back."
Snape's hand clenched on the table top at the mention of his name. "They are incredibly foolish to discuss the return of the Dark Lord here," he snarled. "Anybody could be listening."
"...the plan, anyway," Hermione continued. "If you want to join us, we need to decide how we're going to-"
"Where's the proof You-Know-Who's back?" Someone demanded.
"Well, Dumbledore believes it-"
"You mean, Dumbledore believes him," the same boy said, and they could almost imagine all of the eyes now swivelling to Harry.
"Who are you?" Ron's voice demanded angrily.
"Zacharias Smith, and I think we've got the right to know exactly what makes him say You-Know-Who's back."
"Look," said Hermione, beginning to sound flustered, "that's not really what this meeting was supposed to be about-"
"It's ok, Hermione." There was a brief pause. "What makes me say You-Know-Who's back? I saw him. But Dumbledore told the whole school what happened last year, and if you didn't believe him, you won't believe me, and I'm not going to waste an afternoon trying to convince anyone."
"All Dumbledore told us last year," Zacharias Smith continued relentlessly, "was that Cedric Diggory got killed by You-Know-Who and that you brought Cedric's body back to Hogwarts. He didn't give us details, he didn't tell us exactly how Diggory got murdered, I think we'd all like to know-"
"If you've come to hear exactly what it looks like when Voldemort murders someone I can't help you. I don't want to talk about Cedric Diggory, all right? So if that's what you're here for, you might as well clear out."
No one moved.
"So," Hermione continued, "So...like I was saying...if you want to learn some defence, then we need to work out how we're going to do it, how often we're going to meet and where we're going to-"
"Is it true," someone interrupted, "that you can produce a Patronus?"
"Yeah," Harry muttered in reply. Snape actually rolled his eyes.
"A corporeal Patronus?"
"Er – you don't know Madame Bones, do you?"
"How extremely relevant," Snape snapped to himself quietly. "That boy never fails to stray from the topic of conversation."
"Blimey, Harry!" The conversation continued behind them, "I never knew that!"
Snape's lip curled into an expression of deepest disgust at all the attention that Harry was now getting, but he said nothing.
"...kill a Basilisk with that sword in Dumbledore's office? That's what one of the portraits on the wall told me when I was in there last year..."
"Er – yeah, I did, yeah."
"And in our first year," Neville jumped in, "he saved that Philological Stone-"
"Philosopher's," Hermione hissed audibly.
"Yes, that – from You-Know-Who."
Snape glanced around the room, noticing the suspicious looking characters lurking there. "People are listening," he murmured to the officers. "If they don't finish their meeting soon, we will need to provide a distraction for them to get out the pub."
"Understood," they all muttered, immediately slipping back into Star Fleet mode.
"...shut your mouth?" Ron suddenly demanded of someone.
"Well, we've all turned up to learn from him and now he's telling us he can't really do any of it."
"That's not what he said," Fred snarled.
"Would you like us to clean out your ears for you?" George demanded.
"Or any part of your body really, we're not fussy where we stick this," Fred added.
McCoy snorted. "Sounds like you, Jim," he muttered.
"I never really gave any warning before I began a brawl," Kirk whispered back.
"Right, well, then, the next question is how often..."
Something stirred in the far corner of the bar, and Snape immediately stood up, eyes narrowed as the figure slipped out of a back entrance. "Come on," he said in the direction of the three officers.
They followed him over to the group of students, who looked up in alarm as they realised their mistake too late.
"Professor," Hermione began, but Snape did not let her finish.
"Spare me your inane lies, Granger," he snapped, "I already know what you're doing. I suggest that you simply get everyone to write their names down so that you can contact them later and then leave this pub. You have been over heard."
Inconspicuously, everyone began writing their names down while the four adults formed a barrier around them, preventing anyone else in the pub from seeing what was going on. When everyone had finished, Hermione tucked the list back into her robe pocket.
Snape nodded and then raised his voice slightly, "Twenty points from Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, for being in this pub without permission." He smirked slightly in satisfaction as this created the right amount of indignation and protest to hide his real motives for talking to the students. "I expect to see you all back up at the castle in twenty minutes," he said, "I suggest you start walking now."
Together, the students all filed out of the pub and began the long trek up the road to the school gates. Once they were in the privacy of the school grounds, Snape turned to the three officers.
"They will need somewhere to practice," he said, "I will organise a way for them to 'discover' the Room of Requirement. You must pretend not to suspect them of searching for your room. They are not, after all, supposed to know of its existence, and no doubt think that you are staying in a converted unused class room."
"You're going to allow this?" McCoy asked in surprise.
"Of course," Snape replied. "I disagree with the students on many counts, but I think it is a universally known fact that Professor Umbridge is incompetent. The students need to continue to practice their defence skills. They cannot hope to survive outside of school otherwise."
"Wouldn't it be better if a professor taught them?" McCoy asked.
"Who would you recommend?" Snape asked, raising an eyebrow. "If a professor were to suddenly disappear for an hour or so along with several students, Professor Umbridge would no doubt suspect the existence of the group. Much as I loathe to admit it," he said, his lip curling, "allowing Potter to teach the students is a much more practical and inconspicuous approach."
"It's also much more Slytherin," Kirk muttered in amusement.
Snape didn't even dignify that with an answer as they walked back into the castle and the doors closed behind them.