Water slipped through her fingers and she smiled, watching the cool drops turn into rivulets snaking down her arm. Someone handed her a towel. "Thanks," she said, turning to take the - "Lexie!"
Lexie grinned her bright sister smile, and Meredith grinned back, eternally pleased to see her again. She wiped her hands with the towel. "You're back!"
"Hi," she laughed.
They wandered together down the shore to a spot with a couple driftwood logs. They sat down across from each other and watched the waves roll in and out.
"It's so beautiful. I love it here," Lexie said.
"Me, too." Meredith agreed.
"Are you gonna stay?"
"I don't know. I don't know the rules." Meredith said. Things seemed to just 'happen' here. She'd try to fight through it, try get to the other side, but it exhausted her each time, and she'd fall back here. And this place, this heaven or whatever, was a balm for her battered spirit.
"I don't think there are rules," Lexie said. "Which is um... well it takes some getting used to. I was big on rules. I actually, like… I think I loved rules."
Meredith chuckled. She really did.
"You totally did," Another voice boomed behind her. Meredith whirled, squinting into the sun at the figure behind her. "Mark!"
"You're still here, killer?" he asked, settling down beside her on the log.
"What?"
"It's too early," he shook his head. "Your oldest is Sofia's age? I promise you, it's too early."
"I don't know how to get back. I keep seeing Derek and he won't help me get back or come close enough to touch."
"It's not up to him. It's up to you." Mark said.
"What do you mean?"
"The sand isn't real, Meredith," he gestured to the beach.
Meredith sighed. So it was back to that. The sand isn't real? The water? The sun? What did it mean? "I wish everybody would stop saying that to me."
For a moment, they all sat, reflecting. Then- "Last one to the water is a rotten egg!" Mark shouted, bolting up from his spot.
"Hey!" Lexie took off after him.
Meredith simply watched, laughing as Lexie caught up with Mark, grabbing him around the waist. Just like kids wrestling and playing... not a care in the world. When was the last time she'd done that? Felt like that? It was so long ago, she couldn't really remember. "I like it here."
xxx
Meredith watched Lexie fly a kite on the big grassy knoll overlooking the beach. Dandelions white and yellow dotted the green carpet around them. The blue sky and blue sea almost matched, thinly separated by the horizon line.
During their walk, they'd discovered this little playground, this oasis of little palm trees, bushes and wildflowers overlooking the beach. "This is nice," Mark said while they admired the coast and their green surroundings, "just being able to talk to you."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I spend a fair amount of time trying to talk to people. Sofia, Callie, Arizona. I try to warn them sometimes."
"Warn them about what?"
"I can't let go," Mark sighed. "When you have a little kid like that… hard to let go," he shrugged. "So I hang out, watch her grow up. Sometimes I see something coming."
"Like the divorce?" Meredith figured.
"Yep. I stand beside them. I yell in their ears, wake up!" Mark animated. "Wake up!" Mark bellowed. "You're missing it! You're missing the best part of life!" Meredith chuckled. Mark was so lively. He lived so big. She missed it. "When you love someone, you tell them," he stated.
He walked back to the merry-go-round. Meredith followed, jumping on Derek ever yelled in her ears? she wondered. Probably. "And then w-what do they do when you yell in their ears?" she asked.
"Well, sometimes they listen," Mark said. "Sometimes they hear me," he gave the merry-go-round a little push. The metal squeaked as it picked up momentum, and she spun with it. "I never get the credit, though," Mark said, pushing the bars as they passed him. "They think it's their own idea."
Spinning, she laughed. So true.
xxx
"Tell me your favorite thing," Lexie asked as they swung together on the swings.
"About what?"
"About life. Life right now."
Favorite thing? Why would she even want to consider that right now? "There's a global pandemic!" Meredith argued.
"That is your favorite thing?" Lexie asked.
"No. I just meant that I don't-"
"-Ohhh, okay," Lexie got out of the swing, turning to face her. "You're saying that the pandemic-"
"-No, it just feels very shallow to talk about my favorite things when there's people dying in record numbers-"
"-Oh, yeah. Okay. Alright," she crossed her arms. "Well, that's… That's stupid."
Meredith rolled her eyes. Stupid? Seriously? "Excuse me."
"You're saying that you're not allowed to enjoy your life because people are dying in record numbers? That makes exactly zero sense. If the having of a life and a body isn't cause for celebration, then what's the point of avoiding death? I mean, just… if you're not gonna enjoy it, then you might as well join them."
Meredith swung for a couple beats, considering it. She supposed Lexie sort of had the point. And speaking of celebrating...
"Bailey just had a birthday," she began, a smile pulling on her lips at the memory that surfaced. "And I asked him what he wanted and he said a 'whole cake' all to himself. He did not want to share." She pumped her legs, sending herself higher through the air. "So, of course, I got him the cake. And so, do you know what he did as soon as he got that cake?"
"What?"
"Faceplant," Meredith laughed. She'd never forget the shock and surprise that filled the room when he planted his face into the vanilla frosting. "Just planted his face smack in the middle of the cake." She shook her head, incredulous, as Lexie laughed too.
"And we laughed and laughed and laughed," she continued. "It was me and Zola and Ellis and Maggie and Amelia and Link. Zola laughed so hard, she peed her pants. So then we had a laugh at that," Meredith nodded, "and then as we were laughing, Bailey started licking the frosting off each finger really slow and making a whole production out of it-
"And I looked at him watching us laugh, and I realized that that was the point." She slowed down on the swing, dragging her toes in the sand. "That was his plan! He wanted to make us all laugh... because the baby had been keeping us up all night, and the pandemic was all over the news, and none of us were having any fun at all. And nobody was laughing, And he wanted to make us laugh."
"Yeah," Lexie nodded, staring wistfully into the sky.
"And that's what he wanted for his birthday," Meredith swallowed. In her mind's eye, she saw Bailey's impish grin through frosted covered lips and cheeks, his nose topped with bits of cake and sprinkles. He'd even had frosting in his ear! But mostly...A lump rose as she recalled Derek's mischievous grin, the way he looked when he just wanted to make things better, the way his eyes lit up when he played. "When I looked at him," she said, "I saw that light in his eyes, and he looked just like his dad. That same sparkle. That same delight." Right now? That was her favorite thing. Tears threatened, but they were good tears, and the smile she wore wasn't sad but wistful. .
Lexie came around behind and pushed. "That's a pretty good favorite thing," she said.
xxx
She floated, caught in a haze...
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Her lungs are clear.
Richard?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Her ABGs are showing improved oxygenation, and she's passed her SBTs. Her vitals are normalized. Okay.
Owen?
Prepare to extubate.
Suction, please. Okay, here we go.
Among a kaleidoscope of blooms, Meredith lay with two of her favorite people. "So, life is pain, right?" she summarized, trying to figure this out. "Life is pain, and somehow that's the point?"
"No." Lexie and Mark said.
"I lost you both," she replied. "I lost George. I lost my parents, and even before my parents died…"
"They caused you a lot of pain." Lexie added.
"So much grief. So much loss. So much pain."
"Yes."
"Yeah," Mark agreed, picking at the petals of a wildflower. "But what's the thing that caused the pain?"
Ugh! She couldn't take this anymore! Meredith bolted up, "I hate this."
"Hate what?"
"You knowing things that I don't."
"What's the thing that caused the pain?" He asked with a slow spread of his lips.
She knew it... she just- "I know it, I just don't want to say it." But admitting that meant...
"Stubborn as you ever were." Mark said.
"The depth of grief that you felt with all the losses? It's because of the depth of love," Lexie supplied. "As long as you're alive, you get to feel it and you get to do something about it." She exchanged a look with Mark, sharing a message with him too. "Everything changes all the time when you're alive, and all the time, you fight the change," she said. "You cling onto what you have and what you know like that's how it should always be."
"It's such a waste of life," Mark said.
"Right?"
"What's a waste?" Meredith asked. She didn't waste life. She was a surgeon, she saved lives. She made a difference.
"Fighting change," said Mark.
"Resisting pain," Lexie added.
Meredith clasped her hands together, looking at them both. They were so great together. They were so happy. In love. She wished she'd never lost them, they were such beautiful people. "I miss you both so much."
"That's kind of a waste of time, too," Lexie said.
"Why?"
"Because," Lexie plucked some grass. "We never left you."
"Sometimes we're right next to you, yelling in your ear." Mark joked.
She laughed, imagining Mark invisible and yelling in her ear.
"Don't waste it, Meredith." Lexie reverently spoke.
"Waste what?"
"Don't waste one single minute," said Mark.
One minute of what? Of life? She was certain she hadn't... She'd done the thing. Pushed herself through pain and loss. Saved lives, changed medicine. She found love, made a family, became extraordinary... And now, difficult as it was to admit, it was getting harder and harder to want to go back to the place that took so much, inflicted so much, when here she could get back everything she'd lost.
And she was just so tired.