There's this moment in the OR… Especially when a patient is going south. You're working so hard, you lose yourself. All of your problems. Your relationships. Career goals. Your fears. They all just fade away. It's not even you and your patient. It's you and yourself. Your hands. Your skill. You might call it muscle memory, or being in the zone. But whatever you call it, it's rare and you never want it to end.
~o~
He arrived on the beach once more. The breeze socked him one way, and then another. He chuckled, happy to feel it, happy to be here. To be close to her again. And so... he walked, squishing sand under his long toes and leaving soft imprints with every step.
She was in her usual spot on the log, looking at the vast ocean expanse. Seeing her made his heart flutter, even his hands tremble. He'd missed her. Of course, he'd never left... but here, it was different. Here, she heard him. Here, she saw him.
As if she'd heard his thoughts, Meredith turned her head in his direction. She stood up and grinned this rare smile reserved just for him, the one he always ached to see. Derek returned it with his own explosive grin and came closer. Together they walked along the beach, chatting and laughing like they'd never been apart, like nothing changed.
xxx
Beep beep beep.
Meredith's vitals have been stable for days. Her X-rays have shown a remarkable improvement, and her oxygen requirements have gone down.
Which is why she should be awake for more than two minutes at a time. Why isn't she? What is it?
Her labs this morning showed elevated liver enzymes.
It might just be a side effect from the medications, but we do want to order some new tests.
Beep beep beep.
And we'd also like to get CTs, both chest and abdomen.
It might seem extensive, but…
Well, let's do it. We're seeing more and more patients in the same position. It seems like they're finally out of the woods, and then some new problem arises and they just they just crash. We can't let this happen to Meredith.
xxx
"Were you in pain?"
The seagulls called and cried all around as the waves beat against the pillars of the dock. 'Ask me anything,' he'd told her when they'd sat down. She hadn't wanted to, but he couldn't let this chance go. This chance for final peace about his death.
Was he in pain? A lot at first, but he remembered it as a foggy blur, honestly. No, physical pain wasn't really the problem... "You know, the worst part was knowing they were getting it wrong," he said. "I didn't want to leave you, but I knew, you know, at a certain point…" He'd fought. He'd tried to hang on... but his life had bled out faster than he could grasp at it.
"I came to the hospital," Meredith said.
Derek shifted, looking down at the water that foamed below them. "I know."
"You could hear?"
"Not through my ears." He'd figured that out later, in this 'afterlife' of sorts. He'd felt her soul, really. Heard her heart speak. Even now, he could hear her unspoken thoughts. That tinge of regret, that she'd let him go too soon. He even saw it play on her face right now.
"Dying is exhausting," he said. He'd never would have guessed it before, but the constant pull- "You know that point as a surgeon, you've done everything for your patient. I could try and will them to fight, will them to live, but I never understood the level of exhaustion." He shook his head. The peace that had surrounded him at the lake, and the desire to just... let go. He saw the slow, understanding smile spread across her face. "There comes a point where the desire to rest overrides the desire to live," he said. "You got that. You gave me permission to go." He pivoted toward her, drawing his legs up. It was okay. She'd done the right thing, but he kept pressing the point. She needed to know this. "You told me it was okay. You got me. You gave me everything I needed until my last breath." Derek calmly held her gaze.
Meredith sighed. Her eyes and her heart only said, I'm tired. I miss you.
xxx
And I know we've only technically met on the phone, but I'm marrying your sister, so how about you wake up and give me a 'Congratulations' or something? I mean, I heard you were tough, but I didn't think you were cold.
xxx
"I want you closer," Meredith told him.
Derek squinted, he knew that. But her soul still battled- "You're worried about the kids," he said. They'd gotten closer, to within a couple feet now, but the barrier still remained. "If you get closer…"
"I'll never leave."
"I think that's the theory," he agreed. But it was just a theory.
"Your dad died when you were young..."
"Yes. And it almost ruined me," he declared instantly.
"But it didn't," Meredith argued. "Kids survive. And struggle makes them stronger."
It's her nature, thought Derek, to explore the dark and twisty. But he didn't want her to follow this trail too far. Meredith was strong. But not everyone was. There was no way to see this Meredith-less future play out without it playing out. And he refused to let it if he could stop it. "Sometimes," he warned. "Sometimes, it makes them stronger, and sometimes, it makes them-" he struggled for a word, then blurted- "Amelia!" Instantly they chuckled at the joke together, like old times.
But it was true. He didn't wish for anyone, much less his children to go through what she'd gone through. His sister was strong. But it took years, great pain, and many scars to become strong. And a lot of the time, she didn't even know how strong she was.
"She's doing great, by the way," Meredith said.
"I know."
"And she named her baby-"
Scout Derek Shepherd-Lincoln! "I know!" he laughed again. What a name! But it fit. It was Amy and Link. And him. And he loved his newest nephew. "Oh," he sighed. He missed her laughter. It sounded so buoyant here. They paused for a moment, taking each other in. It was wonderful seeing her bright eyes, her blazing soul. Hearing her heartbeat pounding under her white top.
He missed her.
But so did everyone else.
And this place... this pull... Being here too long skewed things. "People love you, Meredith. People need you."
Her smile left. "I'm tired."
"Your body's tired," he said. "But your soul… Your soul won't even let me near you. You're still fighting." This wasn't the same as his experience. He had no chance, then. Fate had called him.
Fate hadn't called Meredith yet.
Fate was waiting for her to decide.
"Have you seen the last... one or two years?" Meredith asked.
He knew what she was referring to. Her journey to find love again. "Yeah," he nodded, thinking of the hearts she'd captured, the new love she'd found.
"Was that hard for you?"
If anything, he hated her being alone more. Empty nights in their big bed. Her grieving heart aching as he lay beside, knowing that she couldn't feel him. She didn't know he was there. That was hard. "It's harder watching you be lonely."
She broke from his loving gaze, as if it was too much. But her eyes travelled back up, seeking him through it all. His heart broke. "I want to say you're beautiful, but it's… shallow." A better word he couldn't conjure for her inner beauty and strength. The radiant love inside that small form.
"Say 'pretty on the inside,'" she said softly. "That's what I tell Zola to say. 'Be pretty on the inside.'"
Hmm, indeed. "You're pretty on the inside, Meredith Grey." Derek said. They laughed together as the seagulls cried and the water lapped and the sun blazed. Pretty on the inside he thought as he gazed at her. Every part, in and out.
Yes, she was.
xxx
Did something happen?
Yeah, you'll be joining me.
Okay.
She's not just your family or Maggie's. She's mine. She's everyone's. So, she's gonna have two of the finest cardiovascular surgeons in the country, and we're not gonna think about what she means to us or to everyone. We are gonna help each other do what we know how to do, and we will watch each other's every move. No ego. There's no question that's too stupid to ask. It's just about the work, and we are going to remove this clot.
Deal.
Okay, then. Here we go. Ultrasound?
xxx
"Ellis draws this picture of us," said Meredith. "I'm in a wedding dress."
"Uh-huh," Derek nodded, following along. Ellis. Ellie-bell. She's so amazing to him. Pint-sized Meredith. But bright and shiny too.
"You're in a suit," she continued. "I showed her the Post-it Note, but she just-"
"-Hates it," he laughed, imagining her scowl. But Mommy, a post-it isn't pretty.
"Hates it," Meredith agreed. "She feels robbed!"
"Well, she gets that from my mother!" He joked.
Laughter erupted. There, under the sun and blue sky and over grainy sand and pebbles; in a chorus in time with the waves; they found their joy together. Meredith's face was scrunched, shoulders shaking, belly heaving-
-Like magic she's in a dress, he's in a suit.
Meredith gasped, shocked at the bouquet of lilies spilling from her hands. They both looked up and down, at themselves, at each other. He ran his hand down his chest, feeling the smooth fabric of his new suit jacket as he buttoned it up. "You hate weddings!" he exclaimed. How had she conjured this up?
"I hate weddings," she agreed. "But I would give this to her if I could."
He puffed his chest, clasped his hands in front. If this was their fridge-drawing beach wedding, he would look the part. And Meredith- He beamed in delight. He'd never, ever seen her look this way. So simple, yet so magnificent in her smooth summer gown, lips and cheeks rosy, her hair haloed by the sun.
Her gaze on him must've mirrored his own. He blushed.
"What do you want me to promise?" she asked.
"To torture yourself less." He wanted her to be happy. He wanted to kiss her. And really, the only barrier preventing that was herself.
She smiled, twisting her body just so as she worked it out in her head. Finally, a decision was made, and the barrier dropped. She was inches from him now. So close, he could feel the heat of her skin. Close enough to fall into her soft green irises.
"I don't want to leave the kids," she said.
"I don't want you to leave the kids," he said. He leaned in as she did. Closer and closer they came until he felt her supple lips and her soft breath as she opened up to him.
So it was agreed. The sand wasn't real. This world wasn't real. It wasn't purgatory. It was a refuge. Safety. Where he could kiss her. Where he could love her.
Where he could be with her.
xxx
Stent looks patent after the procedure.
And liver enzymes? The creatinine?
Already improving.
Then why isn't she waking up?
It takes time.
We have given her time. We have given her time, and every test and every treatment. We removed that clot perfectly… perfectly… And she's still not waking up, and she's still not improving, and she's still not going home. Why isn't she?
Altman, there is…
I'm sorry. I-I can't. I have to take a walk.
xxx
Derek walked up the step to Meredith's house. "George," he nodded to his friend sitting on the swing.
"Oh, hey."
"Keeping watch?"
"Yeah," he replied.
"Not haunting the place, are you?"
He shrugged. "Amelia still thinks it's Ellis leaving dishes around."
"Haha," he laughed. "But seriously, stop it."
"Sure thing," he said. "Zola's upstairs."
"Thanks," Derek said.
He opened the door and walked inside.
It was different... but exactly the same. No, it wasn't the dreamhouse, but Meredith's home was home in every sense. Toys filled random buckets in the living room, pillows and comforters graced every sitting surface. Her bookshelves bulged with children's books on the bottom shelves and thick medical volumes on the top. He even recognized a few of his own favorites.
"Hey!" Mark boomed, rising from the sofa.
"Mark? What are you doing here?"
"Figured you might need some back-up," he said.
"Mm," he nodded. "Maybe."
"Have you seen our new nephew?" He said, pointing to Scout's bassinet where the baby lay asleep on his back. "He's really something."
Derek took a moment to gaze proudly at the tiny Shepherd baby. "He's amazing."
"That's going to be an understatement."
"Mm." Derek briefly toured the kitchen, taking a moment to study Ellis' beach wedding. Quite the artist she was. It captured the moment perfectly, as if she'd photographed it herself.
Maggie entered the room, wiping a tear from her eye. "Oh," she said. "Ohhh," she let out a long breath. "Okay. It's fine, everything's good. We're all good." She shrugged her shoulders and crooked her neck. "Snack. Right."
"Lexie's upstairs," Mark said. "With Zola."
Derek nodded and headed up.
"Hey," Lexie greeted him in the hallway. "I've been keeping her company. She misses her mom sooo much it breaks my heart. I think she misses Meredith more than I missed my mom."
"Yeah," he sighed.
"This place is amazing," Lexie said, walking around the room. "I remember that picture! I took that picture!" she blurted, pointing at the photo of them on Zola's night stand.
"Mm, You were her favourite Auntie."
"I was her only Auntie. At the time."
"Maggie's pretty great," Derek said.
"She is. I'm glad she listened to me."
"She'll never know it was you urging her to Seattle."
"Nope. But that's okay. Meredith's not alone."
"No, she's not."
He leaned against the doorframe. Admiring how strong, and 'pretty on the inside' Zola was, even as she lay curled up on top of her bed. He sighed, sad that she'd been crying. Sad that she missed her mother. He could see the letter she'd scribbled hastily to him in the last hour. The one that begged him to keep mom safe. To help her wake up.
He'd tried. They all tried. But Meredith was still so far away, and despite his earlier physical closeness, he knew how tired she was.
It would require something extraordinary to wake her up.
xxx
Dr. Webber, maybe you should go.
Why?
Because it's only my first day, and I want to try something that could very well get me fired.
xxx
Derek sat in the closet with Zola as she started a new letter to her dad. Something was coming, something was happening, and he had to be here. "Zola, I'm here," he said. "I hear you. I know you're mad. But you have to get up. You have to go. She needs you. Fight for her."
Zola paused in her writing. She looked up and sniffed, crossing out the last sentence. Mom misses you. But I miss her more.
Then Mark poked his head into the closet. "Hey, something big is happening. You have to get her downstairs, now."
"She can't hear me," Derek said. "I don't know how."
"Yell in her ear," Mark said.
"What?"
"Just do it. Scream in her ear. Do it. I'll help."
"Me too," Lexie said.
xxx
After what seemed like ages of the three of them literally yelling in Zola's ear, Derek had an idea. He held up a hand, stopping Mark and Lexie. "This isn't working, she's too upset."
"What are we going to do?" Lexie asked.
"We need to try something a little more instinctual. What if she's hungry?"
"Oh my God, that's perfect!" said Lexie.
"So... what? Cookies? Sandwiches?" Mark suggested.
Derek thought for a moment. He snapped his fingers. "Turkey and cheese," he said. "She used to eat them all the time when she was in daycare. It's comfort food." He leaned in and whispered in her ear.
"Hey Zola," Lexie spoke, adding to the mix, "Remember when your mom would visit you in daycare? You hated that mushy mac and cheese, so your mom would give you half of her sandwich? Mayo, lettuce, turkey and cheese? You didn't like tomato so she'd have to pick it out. Remember?"
"Hey, Zo," Mark said, "is that your tummy rumbling? Aren't you hungry after all that school?" Mark added.
"Maggie's making a snack for you right now," Derek suggested.
Zola stopped writing. Her stomach growled loudly. She wiped her eyes and put the book down. Derek put his hand on her stomach and it growled again.
"Starving," Zola stood up and pushed herself through them to go downstairs.
Derek followed, not wanting to leave her side for a second.
Zola meandered down the hallway to the kitchen. Derek and Lexie right behind. Mark was having too much fun admiring Scout.
"I have, too," Maggie was saying on the phone.
She has what? Derek wondered.
"Well, don't you think it's at least worth trying?" The voice on the other end said. "Maggie, whether it works or it doesn't, at least Zola gets to see her mom again."
Zola stopped, shocked as she absorbed those words from the man on the phone.
Seeing Zola, Maggie froze,"Let me call you back," she croaked. She put the phone down, staring anxiously at her niece. "Hey."
"This is it," Derek whispered in her ear. "This is where you fight. Fight for her."
"I want to go." Zola said. Derek was so proud of how poised and calm she was. A perfect princess. "I want to see Mommy."
xxx
Derek watched his daughter suit up in full hospital PPE before making her way to Meredith's room. He never would have guessed how brave she was.
They all stopped in front of the door.
"You did it," Ellis Grey said.
"I did," he nodded. "Think it'll work? She's so tired."
"She's has so much to live for. She has to make it."
"Mm."
Zola ran inside and threw her arms around her mother's prone form. "Mommy? It… It's me. I'm here. It's Zozo. I miss you so much."
xxx
Those moments, when everything fades away, you're at your best. But there's a problem with disappearing into the work… You can't save every patient. And if surgery is all you have, no matter how great you are, eventually, you're going to disintegrate.
"And when I was checking Ellis' homework, she was actually doing pretty well," Zola rattled on as she sat on the bed. To the surgeons huddled outside the room, it appeared as if it was only precious mother and daughter. But Derek saw more. All around, in every corner was the rest of her family. George, Mark, Lexie. Andrew. Ellis.
They were all there, quietly willing her to wake, to breathe, to fight.
A commotion in the window got his attention. Amy.
"What happened?" she choked. "Is she okay?"
Derek slipped through to be closer. "She's okay," he added to the reassurances of Maggie and Bailey.
"What? Why… Why'd you bring Zola?"
"I couldn't think of a better idea." Maggie said.
"Oh, my God. I can't breathe," she ripped her mask off and gasped for air. "I need her to live. I need her to live. Oh, my God. Please, I need her to live."
His sister's pain grieved him, and he stepped back into her room. "Meredith," he whispered.
"It's time," Ellis said. "You have to stop coddling her, Derek. She needs the truth. And she'll only hear it from you."
He took her hand in his and closed his eyes, allowing himself back into that space she'd created for him.
As nice as it is to lose all your worries, you also lose the good. And if you hope to have any kind of life worth living…You're definitely going to need the good.
xxx
It's not time yet, he said as she leaned against him.
There's no pain here.
Perhaps, he thought. But without pain, there's no sensation. And no relief. Without pain, joy is mute.
Mm. You want to know a secret? I even miss the pain, he said. He wrapped his arms around her, let his fingers slip through her long locks. You have to go.
I'm so tired.
She was, but not enough. There was fight in her yet.
It's not your time yet. Our kids need you. He kissed her cheek. You have to go, he urged, though he would miss her here. Her touch. Her laugh. Her smile.
He would miss those things.
But he didn't need them.
The living did.
Meredith sighed. I know. You're right.
Go, he kissed her one last time. I won't move. I'll wait for you.
He expected to feel pain when she left his arms, but he did not. He felt peace instead. The world righted itself.
xxx
"Mom, Ellis keeps coming into my bed at night, the way I would come into yours." Zola continued. She wasn't generally a very chatty kid, but she definitely had her moments.
Meredith heard her. She'd heard her for awhile now. Felt her daughter's warm body beside hers, felt her small hands tugging at her fingers, her gown, the blankets. And all she wanted to do was open her eyes. See her daughter's beautiful face. Play with her hair
But coming to consciousness was taking up all her energy.
"At first, I thought it was annoying, but now, I tell her she can come in my bed whenever she wants. And sometimes, I let Bailey come in, too. But he sleeps on pillows on the floor, but I always cover him with a blanket-"
Zola had so much love. If she could just-
"-That's so nice of you, Zozo," she croaked, trying to open her eyes.
"Mommy!" Whump! Zola fell on top of her, covering her completely. "You're awake!"
"Oh. Hi." She tried to move, but couldn't. Whether it was from exhaustion or from being wrapped like a burrito she couldn't tell. She blinked, trying to take in this strange new world. She'd been gone too long.
"I love you so much, Mommy," Zola cried into her neck.
Meredith sighed under her. Her brain was a fuzzy mess. She'd never be able to explain it. They weren't alone in this room, somehow. Derek was curled beside her, and her Mother at the foot of the bed. And there was George, and Lexie, and Mark. And Andrew. Her people... from the beach. They were all here, in this room. She felt them, felt their love pouring over her and Zola like a river. "We love you so much," she said, a smile stretching on her face."We love you so much. We love you, Zozo," she told her, over and over again.
Because...
Life was pain.
But after the pain, there was Zola. Zola and Bailey and Ellis. After the pain came the joy and love of her children. Her friends. Her family. She had more love than she ever realized. Awake now, she never wanted to fall asleep again. To miss out on what had been in front of her all this time. So she smiled, and she cried, and squeezed Zola's hand.
Pain was life.
Pain was love.
And she wasn't going to miss another second of it.