Chapter 28

Tim felt himself waking up and he really didn't want to. He felt tired, achy, and just worn out. However, his body was insisting on waking him up. Finally, he gave up on trying to stay asleep and opened his eyes.

At first, he thought he was alone. Then, he heard something and for a moment, he was afraid. Then, he turned his head to the side and saw Tony sitting beside the bed. He wasn't asleep, but he wasn't looking at Tim at the moment. He was staring at the floor and he looked absolutely miserable.

Tim was about to say something, but then, the door opened. Tony sat up quickly. Tim tried to, but he couldn't. He couldn't hold back a bit of a groan as he shifted position. Tony turned from the door to him but he didn't get a chance to say anything.

"DiNozzo."

Tim watched as Tony's expression went from scared to worried to relief. Tim raised an eyebrow at him and Tony smiled weakly. Then, he turned back to the door.

"Hey, Boss," Tony said, sounding very uncertain. "Where's Vance?"

"Talking to the Chief of Police," Gibbs said. "Assuring him that you're innocent in all this."

"Does he believe it?"

"Vance or Chief Sander?" Gibbs asked.

"Vance."

"Yeah." Then, Gibbs looked at Tim and Tim could see his irritation. "What were you thinking, McGee? Or do I know?"

"Gibbs, he saved my life," Tony said.

"I told you to call the police," Gibbs said, ignoring Tony.

"I know you did," Tim said.

"And?"

"And I had to be there."

"You didn't. Someone else could have been."

"It wasn't their job," Tim said. "It was mine, and if it takes time to recover..."

"You risked not recovering at all. You've been doing too much, and I can tell just by looking at you. You could have killed yourself doing all this."

Tim saw Tony looking at him in surprise and he tried not to make eye contact with him.

"I wasn't."

"You were, and you know it."

"Boss..." Tony interjected.

"Not now, DiNozzo," Gibbs said, keeping his focus on Tim. "Do I have to say it again?"

Tim grimaced at the reminder and looked away from both of them.

"Do I, Tim?"

"No," Tim said, softly.

Up to now, he'd mostly been able to talk around how bad it had been for him, but he knew that Tony would start probing to find out details when he had the chance. Tim didn't want to give details. He hated giving details about his injury. It didn't matter, not when Tony had obviously gone through a lot himself. Besides, he was recovering so it didn't matter.

"You're not involved from now on. Until the doctor clears you to leave, you're staying right here," Gibbs said.

"But, Boss..." Tim began and started to sit up. But his head started aching again and he had to lean back with a wince he couldn't hide.

"No! No discussion," Gibbs said, sternly. Then, he stalked to the door and pulled it open. "Since you can't handle it on your own, you'll have someone make you."

"Oh, Timothy, you are looking rough," Ducky said as he walked into the room. "I don't know how many times you need to be told to take it easy before you'll listen."

"I'll be fine, Ducky," Tim said. "It was just a little knock on the head."

"Oh, dear. You received another head injury?" Ducky asked, looking very concerned.

"It wasn't a big thing, Ducky," Tim said.

"It could have killed you, Timothy. I know you were told about the possibility of serious consequences arising from another head injury before the first one healed."

"It's been months," Tim said.

"Not enough time, especially with how you've been treating yourself," Ducky said, severely, but then, thankfully, turned to Tony with barely a pause. "Oh, Anthony, it is so good to see you. Many of us assumed that you had to be dead, and it is so wonderful to be proven wrong. Now, I wouldn't be surprised if you were still feeling out of sorts, but please know that many will be thrilled to see you return."

"Uh... Thanks, Ducky."

"Tony, with me," Gibbs said.

"Okay, Boss."

Tony glanced at Tim, gave him a look that said some questions were coming and then followed Gibbs out of the room, leaving Tim alone with Ducky.

Ducky sat down in Tony's vacated seat and grabbed Tim's arm.

"Timothy..."

"It's fine, Ducky," Tim said again. "I told Dr. Bates about my previous injury. It's fine."

"No, it's not. Timothy, you have not been taking good care of yourself and it shows in every line on your face. If you wished to break yourself down completely, you were getting close to it. Oh, Timothy, when will you stop allowing Captain Blaine's accusations to be the way you think about yourself?"

Tim looked away.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Ducky. Captain Blaine isn't why I was trying to find Tony."

"Isn't it? Timothy, it truly is a testament to your determination and your skill that you were able to find Anthony in Los Angeles of all places, but would you have been so determined if it hadn't been for Captain Blaine saying that you weren't taking it seriously, that you weren't trying hard enough? While I admit that you couldn't have controlled Ensign Thomas' appearance here, you have been running on empty for far too long, and I will not permit it to continue. Timothy, you will not be allowed to punish yourself for being the victim of misfortune. You will not continue to ignore your own needs. I will not see you harmed in this moment of triumph."

Tim wouldn't look at Ducky, but that annoying tightness in his throat had arisen again.

"I am here to help you, Timothy. Whether you are prepared to accept it or not."

Tim shook his head.

"It should be about Tony," he whispered.

"It is. I was not feigning my joy at seeing him alive. But Jethro brought me along to make sure that you would not be lost in the shuffle of the case and the process of bringing Anthony home again. Anthony will need a lot of support to get back to his life. ...but so do you."

"I've already been back to my life."

"No, you haven't," Ducky said. "You've spent every waking moment trying to find Anthony. You've done nothing with your life but that and you know it."

"I just want to fix things," Tim said, barely able to speak around the tightness in his throat.

The hand on his arm became an arm around his shoulders.

"Timothy, there's nothing to fix. You have managed to do the impossible in finding Anthony after his wanderings. And now there are others here to help. Let yourself rest, Timothy. You certainly have earned it, and you need it."

"I'm tired, Ducky," Tim said and closed his eyes tightly. "I'm so tired."

"Then, rest. You're not alone in your efforts any longer. Allow us to be the support for both of you."

"What if it's not enough?"

"It will be. It already is."

Tim never quite cried, but he came far too close. Ducky sat there, being the solid support Tim didn't want to need.

Eventually, he did sleep again.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Gibbs led Tony to an empty room. It looked like some kind of conference room or something. There was a table and chairs around it. Gibbs sat and gestured for Tony to do the same. Tony wasn't sure what to expect from this, but he did sit.

For a few seconds, there was just a heavy silence. Gibbs was staring hard at Tony who felt like he wasn't really allowed to break the silence even though he wanted to.

"How are you feeling?" Gibbs asked.

Finally.

Tony shrugged.

"I'm okay."

"You remembering everything?"

"I don't know. So far, I've known everyone I've seen. I knew you and Ducky. I recognized your voice on the phone."

"Do you know yourself?"

Tony didn't like that question and he looked away.

"Haven't really been pursuing that one yet, Boss."

"Everything else will work itself out. You need to know who you are."

"Speaking from experience?" Tony asked, with a little irritation.

"Yes."

Tony sighed. Yes, of all the people in the world, Gibbs was one who could genuinely speak from experience. He shouldn't have tried that.

"Do you know yourself?" Gibbs asked again.

"Do we have time for this?"

"Yes."

So much for that attempted delay. He looked back at Gibbs.

"I was becoming Joel. I knew it wasn't me, but I didn't know who I was so I was becoming Joel. That doesn't just go away. It can't, Boss. I can't just have that go... away in a moment."

Gibbs raised an eyebrow in that way Tony had remembered even when he didn't remember who was doing it. He stood up and walked to a window.

"Joel's life is really easy. It's not great, but it's easy to live it. Tony's life is really complicated... partly because being Tony means that I have to deal with all the amnesia stuff. Joel doesn't. He can just ignore it because it doesn't matter." He turned back toward where Gibbs was still sitting. "Boss, part of me doesn't want to be Tony. Part of me wants to pretend the last eight months never happened and just jump back into my life, but... there's a part of me that wants to pretend all the years before never happened and just be Joel."

"Which part is louder?"

"Right now? ...I don't know." Suddenly, Tony had to know something. "Did you ever think I could be guilty? Tim said that there was evidence against me. Did you ever think it was possible?"

"No."

"Not once?"

"No."

"Did anyone at NCIS?"

The eyebrow went up again.

"You're not going to find a reason to give up from that, DiNozzo. We thought you were dead, but we never thought you were dirty. Not for a second."

"Why didn't Tim?"

"Because he needed you to be alive."

"Why?"

"You know why. He can't accept those things. He couldn't when your car blew up, either. The rest of us were prepared for you to be dead, even though we didn't want it to be true. Tim wasn't and so he refused to believe it. He kept looking until there was evidence supporting him. This time, he blamed himself for what happened. So he couldn't accept it."

Gibbs said it all so matter-of-factly that Tony wasn't even sure how to take that. And then, he thought about what had happened to him. Even if it hadn't been a conscious choice, his reaction to thinking Tim had died had been to run away from the possibility by forgetting it all. Tim's reaction to what had happened had apparently been to refuse to believe the possibility and try to prove it wrong. Was one better than the other? He didn't know.

Gibbs got up and walked over to Tony. He put his hands on Tony's shoulders.

"A real life is better than a made up one. Even if it's harder. But we'll do what you want."

"Will you?" Tony asked, skeptically. He rather doubted that was true.

Gibbs smiled a little. "Most of us would, even if we'd hate it."

"Tim wouldn't."

"Tim would. He'd hate it, but he would. Abby wouldn't, no matter what."

Tony managed to smile a little bit, too.

"You've been all right, though?" Gibbs asked.

"Yeah. Jack... the guy who hired me to play piano. He treated me really well. Way beyond just an employer. As far as I could have been okay, I was because of him."

"Good."

Then, Gibbs let him go and walked back to the table and sat. There was a subtle change and Tony knew they were about to get down to business. He sat down across from Gibbs.

"What do you have?" Gibbs asked.

"This," Tony said, pulling the flash drive from his pocket. "It's our backup of all the data we had."

"Do you remember what's on it?"

"Yeah. Evidence that Captain Blaine is running a drug-smuggling ring within the Navy. Their base isn't actually in Norfolk. He just recently got moved there. Until two years ago, he was based here. In California. He has a group of low-level officers who he hand-picked and has moved through as quickly as he could. Ensign Thomas is one of them. Once he was transferred to Norfolk, he arranged for the transfer of every single one of those same officers."

"How far outside of the Navy does it go?"

"He had connections to a number of the gangs here in LA, and he was making new connections in Norfolk."

"How sure is this evidence?"

"Honestly, I don't know. We'd got that far and that's when... the shooting started."

Gibbs just nodded.

"So... what now, Boss?"

"Now... I need Tim to do one thing and I need to find a laptop for him to use."

"Well, I don't have that. I didn't even have a phone."

Gibbs smiled slightly. "I'll find one. You go back to Tim's room and stay there."

"Okay."

They both stood up and walked toward the door. Before he opened it, Tony stopped and looked at Gibbs.

"Is it worth it, Boss?"

Eyebrow raise.

"Doing this... going back. It's going to be hard."

"Yeah."

"Is it worth doing all that?"

"Yes. I couldn't stay in Mexico. It was worth leaving the easy life to come back, even if I didn't do it right."

And that brought to mind Tony's own feelings about when Gibbs had come back and reset the old order of things, seemingly without any thought for the trouble it might be for others.

"You don't want to stay here," Gibbs said. "It's easy, but you don't want it. Not really."

Tony took a breath.

"Do you."

"No."

"Then, you can't. You'll hate it if you do."

"Yeah."

"It'll get easy again, even if it's not now."

"Okay."

"Now, go and I'll do what I can."

"Okay."

Tony walked back to Tim's room. Langston was still sitting there. He smiled and nodded. Tony couldn't quite manage a real smile this time, but he tried. Then, he went in. Tim was sleeping again. Ducky was beside him, looking at Tim's chart, obviously with some dismay. He looked up when Tony came in and smiled.

"Hello again, Anthony," Ducky said in a soft voice. "I must admit that, no matter the difficulty, I am so happy to see you again that I hope you feel something of the same emotion."

Tony walked over and started to sit down but was surprised when Ducky set the chart aside, stood and hugged him. When he let him go, Tony saw the happy smile and couldn't help but return it. Even if he was still feeling a little overwhelmed at all that faced him, seeing someone so happy to see him was actually quite nice. It helped ease some of his tension. Ducky let him go and they both sat down again.

"We were so sure that you must be dead, that the only possible explanation for your disappearance was your death. To be proven so wonderfully wrong is the best news we have had in a long time."

"Is Tim okay?" Tony asked in a whisper. "I mean really?"

"Not at the moment," Ducky said with a sigh. "But I hope that, now, he will finally allow himself the chance to truly recover. His health has been shaky ever since his injury, mostly because he wouldn't let himself rest."

"Just because of me?"

Ducky smiled ruefully. "Yes and no. It was to find you, but it was for Timothy himself. He had a horrible experience early on in his recovery and it has tainted everything he's done."

"What was it?"

Ducky hedged a little.

"Really, Ducky, what was it?"

Ducky sighed. "Captain Blaine was able to force Timothy to agree to what amounted to a lengthy interrogation about the case. He berated Timothy for far too long. Timothy was barely able to sit up on his own at that point, and his mental acuity was still low after his injury. He couldn't keep up. He couldn't defend you or himself as he wanted to, and Captain Blaine accused him of not really trying, of not caring about solving the case. As much as we could, we tried to counteract it, but those accusations heard in a moment of mental weakness became Timothy's own view of himself and every moment he has had, he has tried to prove that he is not what Captain Blaine accused him of being."

"But..."

"We've tried, and perhaps now, with the main object of his distress being past," Ducky paused and patted Tony on the arm, "perhaps Timothy will be able to relax and focus on himself for a time. Now, is there anything I can do for you?"

"I don't know," Tony said.

"I don't either. Perhaps this time is best spent in a relaxing silence? Many words will have to be spoken before this is all over, but this room can be a sanctuary for a time, a place of refuge from all the decisions to be made and reports to give. What do you think?"

"I think... that sounds like a good idea, Ducky," Tony said.

"Excellent. While few would believe it, I have often practiced the art of healing silence."

Ducky grinned and Tony smiled back.

Then, he leaned back in the chair and tried to relax a little. There were so many things to worry about, but for the moment, he would accept the sanctuary that Ducky had offered him.

The room was silent.